The True Brother

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Nick’s back, and he brings trouble.

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Part One

Starsky grinned at his partner as they entered the squad room. He had been teasing his blond friend all morning about the heavy date he had last night. Hutch was totally worn out this morning. Starsky couldn’t resist a chance to tease him for a change. Usually it was Starsky himself who was the one dragging after a late date. “Boy, she must be something! When do I get to meet this lovely creature that’s keeping you so busy?”

“Soon, Starsky, soon, now can we talk about something else for a change? How did my love life manage to become our main topic of conversation this morning?”

Starsky smiled and gave Hutch a little shove toward his chair. “Sit down, before you fall down. Well, you can’t blame me for being a little curious about who’s causing you all these sleepless nights, can you?”

“A little curious, Starsk? I would hardly call your curiosity little. Now, how about we try and earn our pay, and maybe get a little work done around here today?”

“Sure, sure, if you think you’re up to it, partner.” Starsky gave Hutch another of his sly grins.

The day finally ended, and the two partners headed out to the parking lot. “You got time to grab a beer and a pizza, or do you have another one of those heavy dates with the mystery lady?”

“No, Starsky, no date with the mystery lady or anyone else for that matter. But I think I’ll pass on the pizza and beer. I’m just going home and try to catch up on my sleep.”

“Guess that will be a change for you, huh?” Starsky couldn’t resist saying. “Probably resting up for a big Saturday night.”

“Yeah.” Hutch smiled. “That just might be what I have in mind. What about you, any plans for the weekend?”

“Nothing for sure, but I’ll find something to do,” Starsky said as he opened the door to the Torino. “But hopefully I’ll be in better shape Monday morning than you’ve been the last couple of days.”

“Goodbye, Starsk, see you Monday.”

“Yeah, you too, Blondie.” Starsky pulled out of the parking lot, still smiling. Boy, this new lady in Hutch’s life must be something.

Hutch slid into his car and wondered what his partner would think if he only knew the truth. It wasn’t a woman keeping him up nights, it was prank calls. He knew he should have mentioned them to Starsky, but there was no sense in both of them losing sleep. He knew he could just take the phone off the hook, but that wouldn’t really solve anything. He was sure whoever was making these calls probably knew where he lived anyway. What he wasn’t sure about was how serious he should be taking this.

* * *

Hutch pulled up in front of Venice Place. Maybe I should take the phone off the hook, I could sure use the sleep. But he knew that even if he took the phone off the hook he would still lie awake, waiting to see if anyone would show like they had threatened to do. He knew the voice; he knew it, but he still could not put a name to it. Sooner or later it will come to me. He slid out of the car and headed up the stairs to his apartment. He was still feeling a bit guilty about not saying anything to Starsky. But he knew if he had mentioned it to him, he would now have Starsky camped out there. No point in Starsky’s weekend being ruined, too. Starsky could be such a mother hen when he put his mind to it.

* * *

Hutch reached above the door for his key, slowly inserted it into the lock, and placed the key back on the ledge. As the door swung open, he cautiously entered, looking to the right and then the left. He checked the bathroom and bedroom. Everything looked just as he had left it this morning. Hutchinson, you’re starting to get a little paranoid.

He took off his jacket and tossed it on a chair. Then he removed his holster and hung it in its usual place on the closet door.

A shower was his next order of business and he headed into the bathroom, removing his shirt as he went. The shower did wonders for him, but as the hot water flowed over his body, he still could not get that voice out of his mind. It was obviously someone with a grudge against him. He was almost anxious for the next call. He wanted to listen carefully to see if he could pick up any clues as to the identity of the caller. The first couple of calls had so startled him that he was unable to get a feel for what was behind this. Well, all I can do now is wait. Wait for what? He slid into a pair of jeans and a shirt. He figured he should be ready for anything. No point in getting caught without my pants.

Hutch finished the sandwich he had fixed for his dinner. He was just too tired to make anything else. He picked up his dirty plate and took it to the kitchen. He couldn’t help thinking that if he had told Starsky and he was camped out here right now, at least he would have some company. Admit it, you’re getting a little edgy now. That is probably just what that sicko is hoping for. He probably thinks if he gets you all unnerved you’ll be that much easier to handle when he gets around to making his move. Making his move? Hell, these could be just prank calls! Nothing more.

Hutch flipped on the TV and settled down on the couch. He watched the news for a while, then found a movie he hoped might hold his interest. In just minutes, his eyes were closed, as he lost his battle to stay awake.

* * *

The brown Thunderbird had been sitting in front of Hutch’s apartment for several hours now. Inside were two men. One of them had been quietly staring at the window of Hutch’s apartment. “I really hate this guy,” he said, as he finally broke his silence. His companion glanced over at him.

“Nick, I have never really understood what this is all about. Why do you hate this Hutchinson so much?”

In a voice full of resentment, he replied, “I hate him because my brother seems to think he’s the only person that exists in this world. My brother would rather be with him than with me. To tell you the truth, I think I might just hate them both! They both seem to think that they are so damn perfect.” Nick sat there and again looked up at the apartment window, his face a mixture of anger and hurt. “Wonder what the great cop is doing right now? What do you think, Jake? Think he’s getting a little scared yet?” Nick gave a nasty laugh.

Jake shook his head. “Who knows. Crank calls are probably a way of life for cops. I’m sure they get threats all the time.”

Jake turned to his pal and could see that he wasn’t really listening to him at all. “Just what is it you hope to accomplish by getting Hutchinson out of the way?”

Nick’s eyes took on a strange look as he said, “When Hutch is out of the way, Davey will have to turn to me, won’t he? He’ll need me. We’ll be brothers again.”

Somehow, Jake didn’t think it was going to be all that easy, but he knew better than to rile Nick. Nick could get real mean when provoked.

Suddenly, Nick said, “Let’s go.”

“Now?”

“No time like the present. The sooner we get this over with, the sooner I get my brother back.” Nick opened his car door, slid out of the seat, and quietly closed the door behind him. Jake followed him.

When they got to Hutch’s door, Jake said, “What are we gonna do, knock and wait for him to open the door?” Nick reached up above the door and took down the key.

“No point in disturbing him, when we already have the key.” Nick had the look of someone utterly determined, and Jake knew there would be no turning back now. He was beginning to think that his friend might be just a little bit crazy.

Nick unlocked the door and quietly pushed it open. “Ready or not, here we come, Detective Hutchinson,” he whispered under his breath.

Hutch, who was deep in sleep, had no idea that his sleep was about to be rudely interrupted. Nick and Jake stood looking down at Hutch as he slumbered. Nick had a vile look on his face and Jake could tell that this was going to get very nasty, very quickly.

Just then, Hutch opened his eyes. He had an uneasy feeling he was being watched. As his eyes slowly focused, the two shapes standing next to the couch began to take on forms. Suddenly, he thought he recognized the one figure. At first he thought it was his partner, but then realized he was too short to be Starsky. Then it hit him–the voice and the figure standing over him belonged to Nick Starsky. “What the hell is going on here?” he demanded to know. Just then he was grabbed by the other unknown person.

“You just shut up and speak when spoken to,” the man growled at Hutch.

Hutch started to get to his feet, but the man shoved him back onto the couch with such force it made his head swim. “We’re in charge here, cop, and don’t you forget it,” Jake snarled. He was beginning to enjoy this.

Nick gave his friend a warm smile as he said, “Now you’re getting the idea.”

Hutch looked at Nick and asked, “Does your brother know you’re in town?”

“No point in him knowing until you are out of the picture. He wouldn’t have time for me anyway with you still around.” Nick gave a demented laugh, “But all that is going to change real soon.”

With no warning, Nick then lunged at Hutch, grabbing him by both shoulders and flinging him across the room and against the wall. Hutch hit the wall so hard, the wind was knocked out of him. He slid to the floor, struggling to catch his breath. He tried to get up, but just as he thought he might make it, Nick slammed a fist into his chest. Down he went again. “Come on, Hutchinson, I thought you were a tough cop.” Hutch once again attempted to get to his feet, and this time he was successful. He even managed to strike a blow against his opponent. But his victory was short-lived as Jake grabbed Hutch from behind, forced his arms behind him, and then held them tightly. Nick immediately began beating Hutch in a frenzy. It was as if Nick had completely lost his mind. He just kept hitting and hitting. Blood trickled down Hutch’s face from his nose and mouth, as Nick’s fists continued their assault. Hutch felt himself slipping into darkness, and he welcomed it.

When Hutch came to, he was lying on the floor; he could feel his broken ribs throbbing as he tried to move. “Where you do you think you’re going, Blondie?” Nick asked, as he slammed his foot down hard on Hutch’s right arm.

Hutch heard the bones break, as once again he was enveloped in jarring pain. “Why, Nick? Why are you doing this? What have I ever done to you?” the pain making it almost impossible for Hutch to speak.

“What have you done?” Nick replied in a tone filled with fury and anger. “What have you done? Just taken away my brother, that’s all.” Nick’s voice began to rise as his demented state continued. “In his eyes I am nothing, but you…you are so perfect. God, how I hate you! As long as you’re around he will never want me in his life. You…you’re all he needs. He doesn’t give a damn about me! He barely knows that I’m alive.” Nick’s breathing was becoming more rapid and he once again began to strike Hutch. “I hate you! I hate you!”

Jake watched as Nick continued his almost hysterical beating of Hutch. One vicious blow after another. Blood poured down Hutch’s face and his eyes were beginning to swell shut.

“Hey, buddy, how about saving me some of that cop? I didn’t come along just to watch, you know.

Nick slowly ceased his frantic blows, turned to Jake and said, “He’s all yours.”

Jake slowly walked over to where Hutch lay crumpled in a heap on the floor. He rolled Hutch over onto his back and looked down at his face. “You know, he’s kind of a pretty cop…well, he was until you used his face for a punching bag.” Laughing, he stood and gave a vicious kick to Hutch’s groin.

Hutch sobbed as the pain coursed through him. “Please,” his voice trembled as he weakly tried to speak. “Please, no more.” Jake just laughed as Hutch felt himself losing consciousness.

The beatings seemed to go on forever. Each time Hutch regained consciousness the beating began again. He knew he would be lucky to survive the night.

Hutch slowly opened his swollen eyes. It hurt just to do that much. He realized he was now on his bed and his wrists were tied tightly to the bed. His broken arm throbbed. Just breathing hurt. He knew he had several broken ribs, too. He attempted to lift his head to see if he could find his tormentors. He couldn’t see them, but he could hear their muffled voices from the other room. He couldn’t understand what they were saying, but he knew they were still there. He had never realized how sick Nick Starsky was. He had always known the kid was nothing but trouble, but he had never imagined anything like this. Starsky is going to be so mad at me. I never should have kept those phone calls a secret from him. I’m gonna die here and Starsky will blame himself, especially when he finds out it was his brother. And I know Starsky will find out. Starsky will not rest until he finds those responsible for my death. Death, something a cop thinks about a lot. But somehow, I pictured Starsky and me going out in a blaze of glory, like something out of one of those movies Starsky’s always watching. Hutch almost smiled at the thought, as he drifted back into unconsciousness.

“Jake, you’re a real pervert, you know that?”

“Yeah, I’ve been told that before, so what?”

Nick watched as Jake took a pair of shears to Hutch’s shirt, slowly cutting the material away from Hutch’s body. When he was done with the shirt, he moved on to the jeans. He hesitated for a second and then slowly cut away the white briefs Hutch was wearing. He slid his hands slowly along Hutch’s nude body. “Nice, very nice.” He grinned at Nick.

Nick gave Jake a disgusted look. “Do whatever you want with him, and then we have to finish him off.”

Jake gave Nick a demented grin and proceeded to run his hands over Hutch’s body. Hutch’s eyes opened slowly, the pain still more than he could bear. Then the realization hit him that someone’s hands were caressing his naked body. Naked? What the hell? He tried to move, but remembered that he was now tied to his bed. Looking down, he could see that the hands touching him belonged to Nick’s so-called friend, Jake. Hutch began struggling, desperate to get away. Feeling more fear than he could ever have imagined. If he had a choice now, he would choose death.

Just then, the phone rang, causing both men to jump. They looked at each other nervously. “Maybe we better get out of here,” Nick said. “Someone might come looking for him, if he doesn’t answer the phone. Jake glanced over at Hutch lying on the bed, hating to leave without getting what he wanted. The blond cop looked very appealing to him, and it could have been so good.

Nick glanced at Hutch and then at Jake. “I want him dead.” He handed Jake a gun. “Finish him off and let’s get out of here.

Nick left the room, as Jake leveled the gun at Hutch’s head. Hutch closed his eyes, knowing this was the end. But Jake hesitated; he really wanted another chance with the pretty cop. He lowered the gun slightly and pulled the trigger. The bullet struck Hutch in the shoulder, and he let out a moan as the added pain hit him. Jake whispered to Hutch, “Now you owe me one, and I’ll be back to collect. I promise you that.”

* * *

Starsky was still grumbling as he slid out of the Torino. Dobey had called before he was even out of bed. Something about paperwork, but it would only take a few minutes to get it handled. Starsky had tried calling Hutch, but there had been no answer. Well, partner, I hope I’m only going to be waking you up and not disturbing you and your new lady. Just the thought of that brought a grin to Starsky’s face. Guess, that would be one way to meet her.

Starsky bounded up the stairs, taking them two at a time. Might as well get this over with.

He knocked on the door, but there was no answer. He knocked several more times, still no answer. He knew Hutch’s car was parked out front. Well, I might as well check and see how sleeping beauty is doing. He reached up and fumbled around for the key. Not finding it, he slipped his hand into his pocket and pulled out his own keys. Finding the one to Hutch’s apartment, he slid it into the lock and pushed the door open. “Hey, Hutch, you awake?” He looked around, but no Hutch. He walked over and slowly eased Hutch’s bedroom door open.

Starsky could only stare in horror. “Oh, my God, Hutch.”

He slowly approached the bed where his partner’s naked body lay. His mind could not even began to comprehend what was he was seeing. His partner lay there so still, bleeding and broken. Starsky’s mind was reeling, he couldn’t seem to find the strength to make a move.

Finally, he called out softly to his friend, “Hutch? Hutch, I’m here.”

He sat down as carefully as he could on the edge of the bed, noticing that on the floor in a pile lay Hutch’s cut-up clothing. He reached over and touched Hutch’s cheek, and then slowly slid his hand down to check for a pulse. Finding one, he breathed a sigh of relief. The pulse was weak, but he was alive. “Hutch.”

The only response was a slight whimper. There was blood everywhere. At least it seemed that way to the bewildered Starsky. Starsky’s eyes took in the battered body and the bullet wound in Hutch’s shoulder. I have to stop the bleeding. Starsky got to his feet and hurried to the kitchen, where he grabbed some towels from the drawer and soaked them in cold running water. He also ran some water into a glass. Towels and glass in hand, he rushed back to the bedroom.

Hutch lay just as Starsky had left him. Starsky eased back onto the bed and reached to untie Hutch’s wrists. Hutch moaned as his arms were untied. “Easy, it’s going to be okay.” Starsky gasped in horror as he realized Hutch’s right arm was broken. My God, what kind of animal did this to you? What kind of person breaks your arm and then ties it to the bed? “Hutch, can you hear me? Hutch? Open your eyes, please!”

Starsky lifted Hutch’s head and wiped his face with one of the wet towels, while he pressed the other towel to the wound in Hutch’s shoulder. Hutch opened his eyes, staring unseeingly straight ahead. Starsky swallowed hard, the lump in his throat feeling like it might choke him. He forced a little of the water into his partner’s mouth. Hutch struggled and started to choke. “It’s okay, you need to drink some of this. Take it slow.” Hutch’s eyes finally met those of his partner. Starsky knew he would never forget that look. It was a look of sheer terror.

“Please, no more, no more,” Hutch begged, as he started to struggle to get away.

“Hutch, it’s okay! Look at me. It’s me, Starsky. Everything is going to be okay.”

Hutch suddenly became calm and his eyes met Starsky’s. In a weak voice, he said, “Starsk…?” Tears began to well up in Hutch’s eyes.

“Yeah, buddy, it’s me. Take it easy.” Starsky took one of the wet towels and gently wiped his friend’s bloodied and bruised face. He gently pressed the other towel to the bullet wound in Hutch’s shoulder once again. “I’m going to call an ambulance now, buddy.” Starsky started to get up from the bed.

“Starsk, don’t leave me. Please…don’t leave me. They’re coming back…please…Starsk….”

Starsky sat back down on the bed. “Hutch, I’m not going to leave you. I have to call an ambulance. I’m just going to call an ambulance, I’m not leaving you. I have to get you to a hospital.” Starsky had never felt so helpless in his life.

Starsky hung up the phone, praying that the ambulance would be there soon. He knew Hutch had some broken bones and had lost a lot of blood from the shoulder wound. He also knew there was the possibility of internal injuries. His partner’s naked body had put questions in his mind that he wasn’t sure he wanted answers for. What the hell had gone on here? Please, God, not that…. But what worried him most was what this might have done to Hutch emotionally. There was fear in his eyes, but Starsky knew there was something else there, too. Something that really scared him, but he wasn’t sure just yet what it was.

After calling the ambulance, Starsky sat down next to Hutch again. As he leaned toward his friend, Hutch cringed and started to tremble. “No, no more. I can’t take anymore. Please, just go away.” Hutch murmured over and over.

Starsky’s insides turned cold. Who had done this to Hutch, and why? He knew he wouldn’t rest until he found the ones responsible for this. He wanted to pull his partner close and hold him until all the pain went away. But with Hutch’s broken and bruised body, he didn’t think that that would be such a good move right now. He settled for brushing Hutch’s hair back from his face and wiping his face once again with the cold wet towel. He whispered over and over that “everything was going to be all right now.” Then he carefully laid a blanket over the battered body. He sat there waiting for the ambulance and tried to figure out what had happened here. And he couldn’t keep the ugly thought of what might have happened out of his mind. All he knew for sure was that Hutch had been nearly beaten to death. But why?

Starsky heard the sirens of the approaching ambulance. Thank God! “Hutch, help is here. We’re gonna get you to the hospital now, and they’ll take good care of you.”

“Starsk…it hurts….”

“I know babe, but it’s almost over now.” Tears filled Starsky’s eyes and he fought to keep them from streaming down his face.

 * * *

It had been hours since they had arrived at the hospital. Starsky had called Dobey as soon as they had arrived. Dobey was sending a team over to Hutch’s to gather any evidence they might find. Starsky prayed they would find something that would lead him to those responsible. He couldn’t stop thinking about what had been done to Hutch. Whoever had done this had to have been one very angry person. What had Hutch done to make someone this angry? No, it had to be more than one person who. Hutch would never be in the condition he was in if it had only been one person. But why? Starsky got to his feet, and began pacing the hallway. What was taking so long? The longer he waited, the more worried he got, and the sicker he felt at what at had been done to Hutch. He knew he would never forget the sight that had met his eyes when he pushed open Hutch’s bedroom door. Starsky stopped his pacing and once again resumed his seat back in the waiting room. What the hell was taking so long?

Just then, the door to the ER swung open and Starsky stood to meet the doctor approaching him. “Are you the detective waiting for word on Mr. Hutchinson?”

Starsky nodded, then corrected the doctor, “That’s Detective Hutchinson. He’s my partner. How is he?”

“Well, Detective, as you know, your partner was very badly beaten. We removed a bullet from his shoulder, and he is in recovery right now. He also has three broken ribs and a broken arm. He has lost a lot of blood and he’s very weak, but he will recover. We are going to keep him for several days. Once he is released, he will need complete bed rest for several weeks.”

Starsky felt the relief wash over him, as he heard the words, “He will recover.” Then he remembered Hutch’s cut-off clothing lying on the floor next to the bed. “Doctor, was…well, was he…?”

“What is it you are trying to ask me, detective?”

Starsky took a deep breath. “Was he sexually molested?”

The doctor shook his head. “No, we found no evidence that he had been molested.”

“Thank God,” Starsky whispered to himself. Looking back at the doctor, he asked, “When can I see him?”

“Well, he will be in recovery probably another hour or so, and then they will bring him down to his room. I’ll make sure that you’re told the minute he is in his room.”

“Thanks, Doctor. I really appreciate all you’ve done.”

“You’re welcome, Detective, but like your job, it’s all in a day’s work.” The doctor moved down the hallway to his next patient, and Starsky sank back down on the chair to resume his waiting. But at least now he knew Hutch would be okay.

Starsky hesitated at the door to Hutch’s room, the image of what he had found on the other side of the door just hours ago still fresh in his mind. He shook his head slowly as if to clear that image out of his mind, and pushed open the door. His eyes took in the welcomed sight of his partner. He had to admit that even though Hutch looked awful, he still looked much better than he had a few hours ago. He pulled a chair close to the side of the bed and sat down. He reached over and took Hutch’s hand. It felt good to have this contact again. Starsky’s eyes traveled over his partner’s body. His face was very badly bruised, both eyes purple and swollen, a thick bandage on his shoulder, and a cast on his right arm. Those were just the things he could see. What about the loss of blood, the pain, and the fear he knew Hutch had to have felt? He’s been through so much. How alone he must have felt. As good as it was being here with him and knowing he would recover, he still knew that until Hutch opened those bright blue eyes of his, he couldn’t be sure of anything. Hutch would have to let him know that he would be okay, not the doctors.

Hours passed. Starsky had dozed on and off in the chair. Several times nurses had tried to persuade him to leave, go home and get some rest. But Starsky knew he had to be there when Hutch woke up. Hutch had already gone through so much alone, Starsky was going to make darn sure that he was not alone anymore.

Watching Hutch as he slept, Starsky couldn’t help but think that even in sleep, Hutch seemed to be in pain. Starsky reached out and squeezed Hutch’s hand lightly, just to let him know that he was not alone. To his amazement and delight, his hand was squeezed in return. He looked up and found himself looking into those blue eyes that he had been so anxious to see open. “Hutch?” There was no answer, and the eyes slowly closed once again. “That’s okay, Hutch, you just rest.” Starsky patted Hutch’s hand and leaned back in the chair. Within minutes, Starsky, too, was asleep.

* * *

Hutch slowly opened his eyes. Pain, so much pain. What was wrong? What had happened to him? Then it started coming back. The phone calls…Nick…Nick Starsky…hating him so much he wanted him dead. Nick and his partner beating him repeatedly. Hutch moaned just thinking about what this would do to Starsky. He knew he could not be the one to tell Starsky it was Nick who had done this to him.

Starsky heard Hutch moan and immediately moved toward his partner.

Hutch turned toward the movement. “Starsk?”

“Yeah, buddy, it’s me.” Starsky softly ran his hand down Hutch’s face. “Everything is going to be okay now.”

Hutch shook his head weakly, thinking about how things had never been more messed up. Nothing would ever be okay again. Starsky noticed the uncertain look on Hutch’s face. “Really, buddy, everything is going to be okay now. The doc says that in a few weeks you’ll be good as new.”

Hutch tried his best to give his friend a smile, but the result was a very weak attempt.

“How you feeling, you need anything, huh?” Starsky’s anxious face hovered above Hutch’s.

Hutch wanted very much to ease Starsky’s anxiety, but it just hurt too much right now. “Hurts…everything hurts, Starsk.”

“Yeah, buddy, I know. I’ll get a nurse and she’ll give you something for the pain. You need some rest, later we’ll talk about what happened. But in the meantime, if you know who did this to you, it would sure be a big help if you could tell me now.”

Hutch shook his head and slowly closed his eyes.

Starsky couldn’t help feeling some disappointment. He desperately wanted to nail whoever did this to Hutch, and the sooner the better. “Hutch, can you tell me anything?”

Hutch moaned softly, “Starsk, I can’t talk about this right now. Please…don’t ask me any questions now.”

Starsky could tell Hutch was beginning to get himself worked up. The last thing he wanted to do was upset Hutch right now. “It’s okay, we can talk about it later.” Starsky patted Hutch’s arm.

Starsky sat by Hutch’s bedside after the nurse had been in and given him something for the pain. He couldn’t bring himself to leave his friend, even though he knew he would be sleeping for quite a while. He sat there thinking how unlike Hutch it was that he wouldn’t even try to give Starsky any leads on who had done this to him. The Hutch he knew would want to nail the ones responsible just as much as Starsky did. Starsky sighed, maybe it was just that the beating had taken so much out of him, he had been through a lot. Starsky was sure when Hutch was feeling better, he would tell him everything he could about who had done this.

Several hours later, Starsky, who had fallen asleep, was awakened by a nurse who had a message for him from Captain Dobey. He was to call Captain Dobey first chance he got.

Since Hutch was still sleeping, Starsky wandered out to the nurses’ station to call Dobey.

“Captain Dobey, here.”

“Captain, it’s Starsky, what’s up?”

“Hey, Starsky, how is Hutch doing?”

“The doctor says he’ll be up and around in a couple weeks. In the meantime he will need a lot of rest, but he’s going to be okay.”

“That’s great news! Look, Starsky, I need to talk to you, but I don’t think it should be over the phone.”

Starsky thought Dobey sounded a bit strange. “Captain, what’s wrong? Do you have a lead on who did this to Hutch?”

“Starsky, we’ll talk about this when you can get to the station.”

Starsky began to worry about what Dobey had to tell him. “Look, Captain, I’ll be in as soon as Hutch wakes up. I don’t want to leave him without letting him know where I’m going.”

“Okay, Starsky, I’ll be here.”

“Thanks, Captain, see you in a while.” Starsky hung up the phone and wandered back toward Hutch’s room. What was all that about? He couldn’t imagine what it could be about this case that Dobey couldn’t discuss over the phone. Must be something important if Dobey was still in his office this late at night.

He quietly entered Hutch’s room, not wanting to wake up his partner. He knew Hutch needed his rest. But upon entering the room, he found his partner awake. Hutch turned as he heard the door open. “Starsk…where did you go? I thought you’d left.” Hutch’s voice had a slight tremble to it.

“Hey, it’s okay, buddy, I didn’t leave.” Starsky could see that Hutch waking up alone had really upset him. He seemed scared of something, too. “Hutch, what is it? What’s wrong? Talk to me”

“Starsk…I’m sorry, but I’m scared. He’s going to come back. He told me he’d be back. Starsky…he’s gonna….” Hutch’s voice trailed off. Starsky sat down on the edge of the bed and took hold of Hutch’s hands, squeezing them gently.

“Hutch, who’s going to come back? What’s he gonna do?”

Hutch turned his face away from Starsky, saying once again, “I can’t talk about this now.”

“Hutch, you’re not making any sense. Please tell me who’s coming back and why.” No response from Hutch.

“Hutch, I’m going to call Dobey and have him put a guard on your door. I’ll be right back.”

Hutch never moved or even acknowledged that Starsky had spoken. As the door closed behind Starsky, Hutch wondered why he hadn’t kept his mouth shut. So, he was scared. There was nothing anyone could do if he wouldn’t talk to Starsky, and he sure couldn’t be the one to tell Starsky that his brother had been responsible for all of this. He would have to try harder to keep the fact from Starsky that he was scared of Jake coming back. It was never easy to keep anything from Starsky. It would be especially difficult this time if he couldn’t hide his fear. Fear of Jake and Nick, and fear of what finding out about his brother would do to Starsky. He only knew he didn’t want Starsky hurt. He slowly closed his eyes. It was just all too much for him to deal with right now.

Returning from making the phone call to Dobey, Starsky found his partner was asleep and Huggy had arrived. “Hey, Hug.”

Huggy glanced up. Taking in Starsky’s haggard appearance, he said, “You look almost as bad as our blond friend. Is he going to be okay?”

“Yeah, good as new in a couple of weeks,” Starsky said as he looked down at his sleeping partner. Starsky couldn’t help but think how Hutch looked troubled even in his sleep.

“Dobey call you?” Starsky asked, wondering how Huggy had found out so fast.

“Yeah. Oh, and I stopped and picked up some of Hutch’s things for him.” Huggy motioned toward a small suitcase on the floor.

“Thanks, Hug, I might not have thought of that for a while. Hutch would’ve been a little cranky, too, without his butterfly bones and granola.”

Huggy stared at Starsky with a puzzled look. “Butterfly bones…? Granola…? Starsky what are you talking about? I just brought him some clothes and his shaving stuff and toothbrush!”

“That’s okay, Huggy…I think it’ll be a few days before Hutch will be interested in those things.”

Huggy, with a puzzled look still on his face, nodded toward Hutch. “If either of you need anything give me a call. I have to get back to the Pits before the hired help puts me out of business.”

Thanks, Huggy, you’re a good friend.” Huggy patted Starsky’s arm on his way out the door. “Tell Blondie I was here and to get well real soon.”

“I’ll do that. Thanks again.” As Huggy closed the door, Starsky turned back to where his partner lay sleeping. He looks so troubled. He knew there had to be a lot more to this than what he had originally thought…some reason that Hutch did not want to talk about it. He didn’t plan on pushing Hutch now, but when he was feeling better, he was going to have to talk to him about what had happened. In the meantime since Hutch was sleeping, Starsky knew he had better head in to see Dobey. Something strange seemed to be going on there, too. He told the nurse to let Hutch know where he had gone and that he would return as soon as possible. He hoped Hutch wouldn’t wake up scared and feeling alone again. Maybe with a little luck he’d be back before Hutch woke up.

* * *

Starsky found Dobey sitting slumped at his desk, a half-eaten doughnut and cold cup of coffee next to him. He looked about the way Starsky felt.

“What’s up, Cap’n? Any leads on who attacked Hutch?”

The expression on Dobey’s face as he looked toward him made Starsky extremely uneasy. He had the feeling he was about to learn something very unpleasant. “Sit down, Starsky.”

That confirmed it for Starsky. This was not going to be pleasant. “Okay, I’m sitting, give me the bad news.”

Dobey leaned forward in his chair and took a deep breath. “Starsky…we found some prints at Hutch’s place.”

“Hey, that’s great! Now all we gotta do is go out and get the scum who did this to Hutch.” Starsky stood as if ready to do just that.

“Starsky, please sit down. Don’t you want to know who the prints belong to?”

“Oh, sure, Cap’n.” Starsky sat down with a funny feeling in the pit of his stomach, and that feeling that something unpleasant was about to happen persisted.

“Starsky, has your brother ever been to Hutch’s place?” Starsky jerked his head up toward Dobey. Dobey sat there looking intently at Starsky.

“What do you mean?”

Dobey shook his head slowly and hesitated, as if he didn’t really want to continue this conversation. “Well, I was wondering if Nick had spent any time at Hutch’s place?”

“Hutch’s place? Nick? Wait a minute, what are you saying, Cap’n?” Starsky’s face was a mixture of anger and confusion.

Dobey, his eyes still intent on Starsky, sighed as he said, “I’m asking because his prints, along with a guy’s named Jake Tyler, were found in Hutch’s apartment.” Starsky stood up and began to pace the office. “I don’t understand any of this. As far as I know, Nicky isn’t even in town. And I don’t think he’s ever been to Hutch’s. This just doesn’t make sense. What would Nicky be doing at Hutch’s place? And who is this Jake Tyler?”

Dobey shrugged, “Just some-small time punk with a rap sheet a mile long, but nothing too serious. At least so far, nothing connects him to Hutch.”

Starsky, still pacing, paused to stop in front of Dobey’s desk. “But why? It doesn’t make any sense that Nicky would want to hurt Hutch. I’ve got to talk to Nicky. Hell…I’ve got to talk to Hutch.” Starsky headed for the door.

“Hey, Starsky, don’t you want the information on Jake Tyler?”

Starsky stopped dead in his tracks, “You bet I do! He may just have all the answers I’m looking for.” Starsky grabbed the paper out of Dobey’s hand and headed once again for the door. “Thanks, Cap’n.”

Now what? Do I question Hutch again? Do I look for this Jake character first, or do I give my brother a call? As he headed out of the parking lot, he turned toward the hospital. He knew he had to see Hutch and make sure that he was okay. What the hell do I say to him if it turns out that Nicky was behind this? None of this makes any sense. Hutch and Nicky barely know each other. Of course, I don’t think Hutch is real fond of Nicky, but that certainly is no reason for Nicky to beat him almost to death. And who is this Jake character? Maybe Jake is the one really behind all of this? But then why on earth would Nicky go along with hurting Hutch? Nicky knows how much Hutch means to me, that he’s my best friend. But if Nicky is somehow involved, that would explain why Hutch refuses to talk about it. Hutch would try to spare my feelings. Damn it! None of this makes any sense at all.

* * *

As Starsky made his way down the corridor, he noticed several nurses rushing back and forth from Hutch’s room. Something’s wrong! Starsky ran toward the door.

The uniformed officer outside Hutch’s door stepped forward to stop Starsky. “Sorry, sir, no one is allowed in this room without authorization.”

Without hesitation, Starsky flipped out his badge and continued into Hutch’s room. As he entered, he almost ran head-first into a nurse on her way out.

“What’s wrong? Is he okay?” Starsky’s eyes were already looking in the direction of the bed where he had left his friend. Relief swept over him as he realized Hutch was indeed still there. But the relief was short-lived as Starsky’s eyes met those of his partner. The anguish in Hutch’s eyes sent a cold chill down Starsky’s spine.

The nurse patted his arm, and tried to assure him that everything was all right. “It seems he had a bad dream. He’ll be okay now. He has been given something to help him relax. He’ll probably fall back to sleep in no time.” She then gave Starsky a warm smile and left the room, closing the door quietly behind her.

Starsky quickly crossed the room and sat down on the edge of Hutch’s bed. “I’m sorry, buddy, I should’ve been here when you woke up.” He gently patted Hutch’s arm, once again their eyes meeting.

Hutch shook his head. “It’s okay. Sorry I caused so much trouble. It was just a dream, no harm done.” But even as he uttered the words, he knew that it was no dream. He knew that Nick Starsky had been standing next to his bed. Hutch had opened his eyes to see him standing there, not saying a word, and then he had smiled and turned and walked away. It couldn’t have been a dream. Hutch closed his eyes tightly, trying so hard to forget everything that had happened. The shot the nurse had given him was beginning to take effect. His eyes were feeling heavy. He reached for Starsky’s hand and tried his best to put on a brave smile.

Starsky squeezed his hand. “You just try to go back to sleep now. I promise I’ll be here when you wake up.” Hutch winced as he struggled to get comfortable. “Easy, buddy. Take it slow.” Starsky helped his partner get settled into a more comfortable position.

“Thanks, now why don’t you go on home and get some rest yourself? You really look terrible.” Hutch didn’t like the way Starsky looked; this had obviously taken its toll on him also. “Really…Starsk, there’s no need for you to sit here and watch me sleep.” Hutch’s eyes were closing before the words were out of his mouth.

“Okay, buddy,” Starsky whispered quietly, “I’ll go take care of some business as soon as I know you’re sleeping peacefully.” Starsky sat quietly watching as Hutch drifted off into sleep. Starsky had decided the first thing he would do was call home and see if Nicky were there. He still didn’t know what he would do if it turned out that Nicky was not home. He would cross that bridge when he got to it.

Hutch moaned softly in his sleep as he once again struggled to find some sort of bearable position to sleep in. Broken bones and a gunshot wound did not make for easy sleeping. Seeing Hutch in pain was not something Starsky had ever been able to deal with. Hutch should not be lying here battered and beaten. Hutch deserved much better than this. And why after nearly beating Hutch to death did they find it necessary to shoot him? Their aim certainly couldn’t have been that bad. Obviously, whoever had shot him hadn’t intended to kill him. Had this just been another way to make Hutch suffer? Why? Starsky shook his head, as if to clear the confusion away. He stood and carefully pulled the blanket up around Hutch. He lightly brushed the hair away from Hutch’s bruised face. “I promise you, buddy, whoever it was that did this to you, they’re gonna pay! And it doesn’t matter who it is!”

 

Part Two

Back in his apartment, Starsky slowly hung up the phone. It had been great talking to his mom, she had sounded wonderful. But when she had mentioned that Nicky had been out of town for several days and she was worried that she hadn’t heard from him, Starsky had felt his world start to crumble around him. He tried to tell himself not to jump to conclusions, but things were not feeling right.

Starsky wandered into the living room and sank down onto the couch. He was tired, so tired. I’ll sleep for a few hours and then head back to the hospital to check on Hutch.

Hutch…how will I ever be able to face Hutch, if my brother is the one who did this to him…?

Starsky tossed and turned, pictures of his brother beating Hutch tormenting him. Finally, he drifted off into a restless sleep.

* * *

Hutch floated in and out of sleep. Awake or asleep, visions of Nick Starsky kept drifting through his mind. Hutch soon found himself afraid to close his eyes for fear that Nick would once again make his way into the dark hospital room. He had no doubt that Nick was not done with him. He all too vividly remembered the anger and rage that had consumed him. He had never realized the hatred that Nick had in him.

The more Hutch tossed and turned, the more fearful he became. He knew in his condition he would be no match for Nick. He couldn’t stay here. But how could he leave?

Hutch looked at the phone on the stand next to the bed, maybe he could call Starsky. Starsky might think he was nuts, but he knew Starsky would get him out of here. But how do I explain why I am so terrified to stay in the hospital? How do I tell Starsk that his brother scares the hell out of me?

Despite the pain, he finally managed to get the phone within reach. After several attempts, he succeeded in dialing Starsky’s number. The phone rang and rang, no answer. Starsky, where the hell are you? Still holding the receiver in his hand, he lay back, exhausted. The little he had exerted himself had just about completely done him in. The blue eyes closed and he once again drifted off to sleep.

Hutch woke again a half hour later. Someone had replaced the receiver back on the phone. Alone in his dark hospital room, he couldn’t help but worry about Starsky. Why hadn’t he answered the phone? Was Nick crazy enough to…? Not even wanting to consider the answer to that question, Hutch knew there was only one thing he could do.

Getting out of bed and out the hospital wasn’t going to be easy, but that is exactly what the blond detective decided he had to do. Trying to pull himself up to a sitting position was one of the most painful things he had ever experienced. He finally managed it. Now what? He couldn’t just walk out of here in that skimpy little hospital gown. There had to be something he could change into.

Hutch was now on his feet, unsteady as they were. He stood, looking around the room. He noticed a familiar bag on a chair. Someone had gone to his place and brought some of his things. Please let there be some clothes. It took him what seemed like hours to retrieve the bag. He found that getting back onto the bed was just as difficult as getting off the bed had been. He was totally exhausted. He sat quietly for a few minutes, trying to gather more strength. Having one arm in a cast and a bullet wound in the other shoulder made everything so difficult. He wished he could just crawl back into bed and sleep. But he wasn’t safe here, and he wasn’t sure Starsky was safe. He had to get out of there and get to Starsky.

After what seemed an eternity, he finally had managed to pull on the pair of pants that had been in the bag. After attempting to get the hospital gown off, he finally decided it would have to stay. There was just no way with his arm and shoulder that he would be able to change. After debating on the shoes and socks, barefoot seemed the best option.

Taking tiny pain-filled steps, Hutch made it to the door. He slowly eased it open. He was in luck. The guard that Starsky had had put on his door was down the hall talking to a nurse. No one else was in sight. If his luck would just hold for a few minutes more, he might just make it to the elevator. With his eyes fixed on the police officer, Hutch slowly inched his way to the elevator.

Once inside the elevator, which Hutch had been relieved to find empty, he slumped against the wall. His body seemed to be engulfed in pain. Everything hurt–his ribs, his arm, his shoulder, and his head was pounding. He began to doubt whether he would make it out of the hospital.

When the elevator reached the ground floor, Hutch carefully surveyed the scene. Dressed as he was in a pair of jeans, a hospital gown and barefoot, he doubted that he could go unnoticed. The best thing was to just make his way to the entrance and act as if there was nothing unusual about an obviously very battered man, dressed as he was, walking through the hospital. Because of the lateness of the hour, there were few people moving about on the main floor. The few that were in the area appeared to pay little attention to the injured man sneaking out of the hospital.

Once outside, Hutch took a deep breath, enjoying the fresh air. He glanced longingly at the benches outside the front of the hospital. He wasn’t sure if he could manage to take many more steps, but he had to try.

In his weakened condition, Hutch was barely able to walk. He knew he would continue to stumble along until he could no longer take another step. He had to see if Starsky was all right. It was dark out, and once again Hutch felt fear. Nick could be out here somewhere. Nick and that creep, Jake.

* * *

Starsky woke feeling a little better. After a quick shower, he headed back to the hospital. He hadn’t liked leaving Hutch like that. He hoped Hutch hadn’t had any more bad dreams.

As soon as the elevator doors opened, Starsky knew immediately something was wrong. There were several uniformed officers standing in front of Hutch’s room. The nurses looked worried. Quickly, Starsky made his way over to the officers.

“What’s happened? How’s Hutch?” Not even waiting for an answer, Starsky pushed open the door to Hutch’s room. The room was empty. He turned to the officers who had followed him in. “Where is he?” From Starsky’s tone, the officers knew they were not going to have an easy time of it.

“He seems to have disappeared,” the officer who had been guarding the door replied. Fear clearly showed on his face. And for good reason.

“What do you mean he’s disappeared? You were put outside his door to make sure something like this didn’t happen.” Starsky reached out and grabbed the young officer by his shirt. “If anything else happens to him….” Starsky abruptly released his shirt. “What do we know for sure?” Starsky asked the group of officers.

“It appears that he left on his own, no signs of any kind of struggle. It looks like he took something out of the bag that’s on the bed. He must still be wearing the hospital gown, though. And he left his shoes behind.”

“And just how much do you think someone in his condition could struggle? So, we don’t really know anything for sure, do we?” Starsky’s tone was cold and very angry.

Starsky turned and headed back toward the elevator. He had to find Hutch. He knew Hutch had been scared, maybe so scared that he wanted out of the hospital.

He turned back to the officers, “Let Dobey know that I’ve gone out to look for Hutch.”

* * *

Hutch wanted desperately to keep going, but he was beginning to realize there was no way he was going to be able to walk to Starsky’s place. Unable to take one more step, Hutch stumbled to the ground. Dragging his poor battered body along the ground, he managed to get himself off the sidewalk and up against a building. He felt terrible and he was beginning to feel chilled. His eyes closed. Just a little rest….

Hutch never noticed the brown Thunderbird that had been following him. It was now parked across the street in the shadows. “Well, well. Looks like our big tough detective’s not gonna make it,” Nick laughed. “Guess we will just have to give him a ride. A one-way ride!”

Just as Nick and Jake started to open their car doors, a red Torino came into sight, slowly cruising down the street.

“Damn, it’s my brother,” Nick said as he slowly shut his car door.

“Maybe he won’t notice Hutchinson leaning up against that building,” Jake said.

* * *

By now Hutch had opened his eyes. He was cold, and he knew couldn’t stay here. He struggled to get to his feet, but between the broken arm and the bad shoulder, he was not successful. He stumbled to the ground again.

Out of the corner of his eye, Starsky caught a glimpse of something moving. He slowed down even more. He couldn’t be sure, but it looked like a person. A drunk maybe? Or someone in Hutch’s condition? Starsky pulled to the curb.

Even in the dim light, Starsky could make out the blond hair of the person he was approaching. “Hutch?” Gently taking hold of Hutch’s unbroken arm, Starsky pulled Hutch up so that he was cradled in his arms.

“Starsk…are you okay?” Hutch asked, practically using all that was left of his strength.

“Other than going out of my mind with worry over you, I’m okay.” Starsky shook his head at Hutch. “What did you think you were doing?”

“He was in my room. It’s not safe there, and I was worried about you,” Hutch said as the chill began to take over his body.

Starsky quickly removed his jacket and placed it around Hutch. “Don’t worry about me, you need to rest and let your body heal. Let’s get you on your feet and into the car. The sooner we get you back to hospital and into bed, the better.”

“No!” Hutch moaned as he struggled to get up. “I’m not going back to the hospital.”

Seeing Hutch in so much pain was more than Starsky could handle.

“Okay, take it easy. I’ll take you to my place. But you’ll do as I say or it will be right back to the hospital. Understand?”

Hutch gave Starsky a weak smile and the blue eyes, though filled with pain, showed his gratitude.

“Okay, partner, let’s get you on your feet. Easy does it.”

Hutch moaned as fiery agony spread through his body.

“Sorry, Hutch.” Starsky hated to add to his partner’s pain.

With Starsky supporting Hutch’s body, they slowly made their way to the Torino. Each step seemed to bring renewed pain.

Once settled in the Torino, Hutch collapsed against the back of the seat. His breathing was ragged and uneven. Starsky looked at him, concern showing.

“Starsk…I’m okay…really.”

Starsky was so busy fussing over Hutch on the way to his place, he never noticed the brown Thunderbird following behind.

Forty-five minutes later, Starsky had gotten Hutch into his apartment and onto the bed.

“Okay, Blondie, lets get you out of these clothes and under the covers. Starsky quickly pulled the jeans off, though the hospital gown took a bit longer. Starsky gasped as the hospital gown slid off.

The sight of the dark bruised markings that covered Hutch’s chest and abdomen brought a distressed look to Starsky’s face. The bruises covered almost every inch of what was left uncovered by the bandages holding his ribs in place. Starsky had a feeling that it was more of the same under the bandages.

He felt Hutch’s hand on his arm. “It’s okay, Starsk. I’m okay…really.” Starsky looked up to see Hutch watching him intently, his face full of concern.

“Hutch, I can’t believe what they did to you. I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, it’s not your fault,” Hutch squeezed his arm gently. Starsky wished he could believe that it wasn’t his fault, but somehow the idea that maybe his brother was involved kept running through his mind. He knew he should just come out and ask Hutch, but he was afraid of upsetting him, and he knew for sure he was afraid of the answer he might get. At this point he really didn’t know what to do. Should he keep his mouth shut about it and wait for Hutch to say something?

“Thanks, but I guess I just wish I could have been there when you needed me.” Starsky brought his wandering thoughts back to the present.

“You’re here now and that’s what counts” Hutch said, as he tried his best to give his friend an encouraging smile.

“And I’m going to take real good care of you, too, starting right now. Let’s get you settled into bed, and then I’ll call the hospital and Dobey.” With that said, Starsky adjusted the pillows behind Hutch and pulled the covers up around him. “Just rest, I’ll be right back.”

“Starsk…thanks for not taking me back to the hospital.”

Starsky flashed him a grin. “What are friends for?”

After making the necessary phone calls, including one to Huggy to ask him to pick up Hutch’s prescriptions and taking a lot of static from Hutch’s doctor about not returning him to the hospital, Starsky returned to check on Hutch. He found his partner writhing in pain, hands clenching the blankets so hard his knuckles were white. Starsky moved quickly to the bed.

“Hutch, babe, it won’t be much longer and we’ll have something for the pain. Huggy will be bringing it real soon.”

Starsky sat down on the bed next to his friend and, as carefully as possible, lifted him so that now he held Hutch against him. He rubbed his arm, talking soothingly. “It’s going to be okay…it’s going to be okay. Huggy will be here real soon and then you’ll have something for the pain. I promise you, it’s gonna get better. It’s going to be okay.” Hutch seemed to relax some and lay easier, listening to the soothing tones of Starsky’s voice.

“Starsk?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry for being so much trouble.”

“Don’t even think about it. You just try and rest now.”

* * *

“Did you see that? He just gathered him up and took him on home with him. And I’m sure he will take real good care of him, too. Makes me sick.” Nick had been going on and on ever since they had watched Starsky put Hutch in his car. Jake had been silently listening. He still didn’t quite understand why Nick hated Hutchinson so much. Not that it really mattered to him. He just wanted to get on with this, get it over with and get out of town. Of course, he was looking forward to his reward. He planned to enjoy himself with that cop. And when he was done this time, he would make sure the bullet did its job. He didn’t like the idea of killing a cop, but he didn’t like the idea of dealing with one Nick Starsky, very much either. Although, why Nick wouldn’t want the honor of killing Hutchinson himself he hadn’t a clue.

“Well, when do we make our move on Hutchinson?” Jake asked.

Nick, with a nasty chuckle said, “You don’t think my big brother is going to be leaving his precious partner alone, do you? He’ll be playing nursemaid for a while. We’ll just have to watch and wait for our chance. Sooner or later my brother will have to leave him. Then Hutchinson will be all yours. And you make sure you enjoy yourself thoroughly with pretty boy.”

* * *

Starsky sat by the side of the bed, watching Hutch sleep. The painkillers were doing their job, and Hutch was finally getting some much needed rest. Starsky knew he should try to get some rest, too, while Hutch was sleeping, but the need to keep an eye on Hutch overruled that. Too much had happened today…was it really only this morning that this nightmare had started? What a day, first finding Hutch beaten and shot, and then Hutch leaving the hospital. Why did Hutch leave? Hutch would never have left without a good reason. What was it Hutch had said about someone being in his room? Who had been in his room? He would have a lot of questions for his partner when he was rested and able to give some answers, not the least of which would be if he knew his attackers. But that question was one to which Starsky feared to hear the answer.

Finally, the need for rest won out, and Starsky took a blanket and pillow and went out to the couch. Within minutes, the long day caught up with him and he was soon sound asleep.

* * *

Starsky sat bolt upright. Bloodcurdling screams were coming from the bedroom. Hutch, oh God, Hutch. “I’m coming, Hutch…”

Starsky flew into the bedroom. Hutch was tossing and turning, drenched with sweat. A vague relief came over Starsky as he realized Hutch was having a nightmare. For a second, he had been afraid that maybe someone had gotten past him. But his relief was quickly overtaken by concern for Hutch.

“Hutch, wake up. Please, wake up.” Starsky lovingly ran his hand gently across Hutch’s forehead, soothing back the damp hair.

“Please…please, don’t do this,” Hutch muttered. “No! Please don’t.”

Starsky, not wanting to hurt Hutch but having no choice, took Hutch by the shoulders and gave just a little shake. “Hutch…it’s me, Starsk. Come on, wake up, buddy. It’s just a bad dream.”

Hutch moaned at the added pain the shaking had caused, but remained oblivious.

“Hutch.” Starsky’s voice grew louder and he shook him just a little harder. “Come on, wake up.”

Hutch groaned louder, but seemed to be waking up. One more little shake, and Hutch’s eyes slowly opened, his gaze meeting Starsky’s concerned eyes.

“Hey, buddy, it’s me. It was just a bad dream.”

Hutch shuddered, “No, he’s…coming back after me.” His voice filled with anguish, Hutch kept repeating, “He’s coming after me, he’s coming after me.”

“Who? Who’s coming, Hutch?”

“Jake is coming, Starsky, he’s going to…. Oh God, Starsky, don’t let him.”

Starsky pulled Hutch closer, rubbing his shoulder, trying to ease his fears. “I’m here with you, Hutch, no one is going to hurt you. I promise you that.” Starsky could feel Hutch’s body trembling in fear.

“Starsk, don’t leave me. Please, don’t leave me alone. He’s gonna….”

“I’m not going to leave you. Just try to relax, huh?” With Starsky talking soothingly and continuing to rub Hutch’s shoulder, Hutch seemed to slowly calm down.

“Hutch, let me get you something for the pain, you need to try to get some rest.” Starsky slowly eased Hutch back against the pillows.

“Starsk?”

“I promise I’ll be right back and I’ll stay right here with you.” He moved off the bed and, when he received no protest from Hutch, went to the kitchen to get some water and the pain medication, stopping in the bathroom to get a cold towel.

So, there is a Jake. And with that thought, Starsky realized there must surely be a Nick, too. There really was no other way to explain the prints found in Hutch’s place. He would have to call Dobey in the morning and tell him to get warrants issued for both men. Issue a warrant for my brother’s arrest? I don’t believe this is happening. Hutch is going to have to talk to me.

“Okay, I’m back,” he held out the glass of water and the pain pills. Hutch’s trembling hand reached out, and Starsky steadied his friend’s hand. Once the job of getting the pain pills down was accomplished, Hutch lay back against the pillows and closed his eyes. “You think you’re gonna be okay now?” Starsky asked as he sat the glass down on the nightstand.

“If you stay with me.”

“Not going anywhere,” Starsky said as he reached for the wet towels. He tenderly wiped Hutch’s face.

“That feels good.” Hutch’s voice sounded drowsy.

“Feel like you can go back to sleep now?” Starsky asked, as he continued wiping the cool cloth over Hutch’s face.

Hutch patted the bed next to him. “As long as you stay here with me.”

“I’ll be right here. You go to sleep.”

Starsky curled up next to Hutch and began rubbing his hands in a soothing manner over Hutch’s chest. Hutch’s breathing had evened out and he seemed to be much calmer. Starsky would have liked to pull Hutch close and hold him tight, but he knew that would only cause him pain. He was so thankful that Hutch was safe now. Nick, what have you done and why? Why would you want to hurt Hutch? You know how much he means to me. Starsky finally fell asleep, questions still running through his head.

* * *

Hutch opened his eyes slowly, trying to remember where he was. Then it all came back to him–the whole ordeal he had gone through–leaving the hospital, the fear that Jake would return, and…. But then he also remembered that he was with Starsky, and Starsky wouldn’t let anything happen to him. He was safe.

Hutch looked down to find Starsky’s hand still lying on his chest. Starsky was still sleeping peacefully. God knows he probably needs it. What would I do without you, Starsky? I sure hope I never have to find out. Hutch was still studying the sleeping form next to him–wondering how he would deal with things when Starsky found out his brother had been behind all this–when he noticed that Starsky was awake and was now watching him.

“Good morning, Starsk.”

Starsky smiled at his partner, “How’re you feeling this morning?”

“I guess not too bad, considering that everything hurts like hell.”

Starsky grinned, “I hate to say this, buddy, but you look probably even worse than you feel.”

Hutch returned the grin, “Thanks for cheering me up.”

While Starsky busied himself making the two of them breakfast, Hutch slowly made his way to the bathroom, thankful he could at least do that on his own. He could hear Starsky on the phone. Probably checking in with Dobey. Hutch stared at his face in the mirror. Starsky was right, he did look worse than he felt, although he hadn’t thought it possible. His face was a mass of bruises and cuts. His lips and eyes were swollen. He splashed some water on his face. Thank God he had one good hand.

Hutch almost dreaded having to leave the bathroom and face Starsky. He knew he wouldn’t be able to stall Starsky’s questions forever. God damn you, Nick Starsky!

When Hutch came out of the bathroom, Starsky was waiting for him.

“Okay, let’s get you back into bed and get you fed.”

“Starsk…” Before Hutch could say any more, Starsky gave him a look that said there would be no argument about the subject. Hutch allowed himself to be led back to bed. Once Starsky had Hutch settled against the pillows, he handed him a glass of orange juice and several pills.

“What are these for?” Hutch asked accepting the glass.

“For infection. Can’t have you getting that shoulder wound infected now, can we?”

Hutch swallowed the pills.

“I’ll be right back with your breakfast.” Hutch couldn’t help wonder what kind of concoction Starsky had cooked up.

“Here you go, Blondie, I know it’s one of your favorites.”

“Starsk, to tell you the truth, I’m not very hungry.”

Well, you still have to try and eat a little.” Starsky held a tray in his hands that he set down on the night table.

Hutch peered over, “Oatmeal?”

“Yep, and just the way you like it, with some fruit thrown in for good measure.”

“Thanks, Starsk, that’s really nice of you.”

“Yeah, I thought so, too.” Starsky grinned at him. “I didn’t think you were up to leftover tacos or pizza.”

“And I certainly appreciate that, Starsk.” Hutch did his best to form a grin on his face.

“Well, you want me to feed you?”

“Huh? That’s okay, my right hand is working pretty good. I think I can manage okay.”

Starsky sat on the edge of the bed watching Hutch eat, ready to lend a hand if needed.

After Hutch had finished nearly half of the oatmeal, he said, “I can’t eat anymore, Starsky.”

“Maybe just a little more?” Starsky said. Hutch shook his head. “Okay, buddy. Well, we have a few more things to take care of then, before you settle down to getting some more sleep.

“What’s that?” Hutch asked.

“Well, I need to change the bandage on your shoulder, make sure it’s not getting infected or anything, and then…I need to ask you a couple of questions.”

Hutch’s face looked anguished at the thought of answering questions. “Starsk…can’t the questions wait ’til later?”

“Hutch, you’re a cop, you know I have ask you some questions. Don’t you want us to get whoever did this to you?” Starsky studied Hutch’s face as he waited for an answer. Looking at the tormented face of his partner, Starsky knew for sure that his brother was involved. Hutch looked like he might be sick.

Starsky took a deep breath. “Hutch, let me make this easier for you. Right now warrants are being issued for a Jake Tyler and…” he took another deep breath, “and Nick Starsky.” Starsky felt tears welling up in his eyes at having to actually say those words. He couldn’t even look Hutch in the eye. Suddenly, Starsky felt like he might be sick. This couldn’t be happening. Part of him was waiting for Hutch to deny it, to ask why on earth a warrant had been issued for Nicky. But Hutch remained silent. Starsky finally looked over at his partner.

Tears were streaming down Hutch’s face. “I didn’t want you to find out…Starsky. I didn’t want to see you hurt. I’m sorry.”

Starsky, struggling to get his emotions under control, reached out to Hutch and pulled him into his arms. Hutch put his good arm around Starsky’s neck and held on tight. They stayed that way, both quietly sobbing, until Starsky heard a small voice say, “I don’t have to tell anyone Nick was involved.” Starsky pulled back and tenderly attempted to wipe the tears from Hutch’s face.

“That’s real nice of you, Hutch. It means a lot to mean that you’d be willingly to do that. But it goes against everything that you believe in. I can’t let you do that. Nicky did this and Nicky has to pay.” Starsky’s voice broke a little, but Hutch could tell he meant every word he said.

Starsky eased Hutch back, still struggling with his emotions. “Hey, we can talk later, after you’ve had some rest. Let’s get this shoulder looked at now.” Hutch himself, still feeling emotional, just nodded. “I’ll get the bandages and ointment. Be right back.” Starsky attempted to give his friend a reassuring look as he left the room, but wasn’t sure how successful he had been.

Arriving back in the bedroom with the supplies, Starsky found Hutch with his eyes closed and obviously in pain. “Hey, buddy, once we get the bandage changed, I’ll get you something for the pain.”

Hutch wearily struggled to open his eyes and in a soft voice said, “I’m okay. Don’t worry so much about me, okay? You make sure you take care of yourself, too, huh? I know this isn’t easy for you. I know you’re hurting, too, and you can’t eliminate your pain by taking some pain pills.”

Starsky, with trembling hands worked on removing the bandage on Hutch’s shoulder. “Easy, no, it’s not easy. Not at all easy watching you in pain and knowing that MY brother did this to you. MY brother, God, I can’t even begin to comprehend what he was thinking. I’m just so sorry about this Hutch.”

Hutch watched as Starsky replaced the bandage and carefully, so not to cause Hutch any added pain, applied the tape. “Starsky…it’s not your fault, Nick has problems, buddy. But it’s not your fault. You’ve got to believe that.”

Starsky shook his head as he got up from the bed. “I’ll get the pills for you.”

Hutch watched his partner leave the room, his heart breaking knowing how much this was hurting Starsky. Once again he heard himself saying, “Damn you, Nick Starsky!”

* * *

After Hutch had taken the pain pills, he slept peacefully for several hours. Starsky kept a close eye on his best friend. Somehow, he felt he had to make up for what his brother had done to Hutch. Finally, Starsky lay down next to Hutch and slipped off into a not-so-peaceful sleep, himself.

Starsky was awakened by the sounds of Hutch having another nightmare. Starsky wrapped his arms around Hutch and tried to reassure him that it was only a dream. “You’re safe, buddy. Easy, Hutch, no one is going to hurt you.” The soothing tones of Starsky’s voice gradually began to calm Hutch, and once again he slept. Starsky lay awake then, wondering exactly what it was that was causing the nightmares. Was he reliving the events of that night, or was it something he feared might still happen? He knew it had something to do with Jake coming back. It was very obvious that Hutch was scared of Jake. Poor Hutch, trying so hard to keep from hurting me. I’ve got to make sure he doesn’t get hurt again.

That night after dinner, of which Hutch had eaten quite a bit–much to Starsky’s relief–they watched a movie on TV. Starsky had done his best to make Hutch comfortable on the couch. Starsky thought Hutch seemed stronger, and was feeling more like himself.

When the movie ended, Starsky asked, “Feel like talking a little?” Starsky couldn’t help notice that Hutch still got a pained look on his face at the idea of talking about what had happened. “I promise, just a couple of questions. I’ve got to try to understand what happened. I know it’s not easy for you to talk about all of this, but it’s going to have to come out sooner or later.”

With some hesitation, Hutch finally replied, “Okay.”

Starsky moved closer to the blond, “It’s okay, Hutch, I can handle it. It’s not knowing everything that’s hard to handle. Why did Nicky come after you?”

“Starsk, first there’s something I have to tell you.” Hutch knew he had to tell Starsky about the phone calls. “I’m really sorry that I didn’t say something sooner…I should have told you right from the beginning.”

“What is it, Hutch?” Starsky wasn’t sure what to expect.

“Well, my sleepless nights…well, they had nothing to do with a woman.” Hutch stayed silent for a moment, knowing that Starsky was probably going to be furious with him.

“Hutch? Talk to me, Hutch. What was preventing you from sleeping then?”

“Phone calls were keeping me up. I was getting these threatening phone calls. I thought maybe they might just be pranks, so I didn’t want to worry you. I sort of recognized the voice, but couldn’t put a face to it. Not until I woke up and found your brother standing over me.”

Starsky’s face was a mixture of grief and anger. “Did he say why he was doing this? I have to try to understand this whole situation. It just doesn’t make any sense to me.”

“Well,” Hutch replied, “it might not make any sense to either one of us, but to Nick it seems to make perfect sense. He feels, and I mean very strongly, that I have come between you two. He seems to think I’m the reason that you and he are not closer. And that you care more about me than you do about him.”

Starsky sat stone-faced for a few seconds and then in a quiet voice said, “You do. You do mean more to me than he does.” He looked over at Hutch. “I know that probably sounds pretty awful, but I’ve tried over and over with him. It’s his fault we’re not closer, he just won’t even try to meet me halfway.”

Hutch squeezed Starsky’s arm, “I know how hard you’ve tried with him. It’s not your fault he won’t try.” Hutch took a deep breath, “Starsky, I hate to say this, but your brother really seems to be losing it. He was pretty much out of control last night. He wants me dead. I’m not saying these things to hurt you, but I think you should realize what kind of shape your brother is in.”

“I know you wouldn’t do anything to hurt me, you’re just being honest with me, and that’s what I want.”

Hutch leaned back against the couch and closed his eyes. “I’m so sorry, Starsky.”

“You look beat, Hutch. I just have one more question for you. Are you up to it?”

“Might as well get it over with now, what is it?”

Starsky kind of stammered around, trying to find the right words. Finally, he just blurted it out. “You’re really afraid of this Jake character, aren’t you? Why?” Starsky could immediately see Hutch tense. Now it was his turn to stammer, trying to find the words to explain why he felt the way he did.

Finally, hoping to maybe break a little of the tension, Hutch replied, “Well let’s just say he’s interested in more than my sparkling personality. He seems to want to know me intimately.”

Starsky felt his stomach churn, “I guess that explains why your clothes were cut off you, huh? He didn’t do anything…did he?”

“No, I think they got scared when the phone rang. They were worried that if I didn’t answer, someone might come by. Jake was supposed to kill me, but he made sure that he didn’t succeed so he could come back and finish what he’d started. He warned me he’d be back. I assume your brother is pretty pissed off that I’m still alive.”

“Damn it, this is worse than I had imagined. I’m sorry, Hutch. But I promise you I’ll get them both. They’ll both pay for what you’ve been through. When I get my hands on them….”

“Take it easy, Starsky. Don’t get yourself all worked up.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. But I mean it, Hutch, they’re gonna pay!”

Hours later, after getting Hutch settled into bed and staying by his side until he had fallen asleep, Starsky sat trying to make some sense of all that had happened. He came to the realization that it was never going to make any sense. He would just concentrate on getting Nick and Jake put in jail where they belonged, and the sooner the better. He wasn’t going to give them another chance to hurt Hutch. He had checked in with Dobey, but so far, no one had had any luck tracking them down. Starsky was having a hard time keeping himself from going out to look for them. But he had promised Hutch that he would stay with him.

* * *

The next day, Hutch was able to move around a little more. It didn’t take him long to see that Starsky was a bit on edge. Being confined and not being able to doing anything to catch Nick and Jake was wearing on him. Even though Hutch was terrified of Jake returning, was he being fair to Starsky?

Not being able to tolerate Starsky’s pacing any longer, Hutch said, “Why don’t you take a trip down to the station and see what’s happening?”

Starsky looked at Hutch with eagerness, but replied, “I don’t want to leave you alone, Hutch. Remember, I did promise, and I wouldn’t feel right leaving you. What if Jake shows up?”

“Starsk…it might be a while before he’s caught. I don’t think you’ll be able to stay by my side every minute of every day. I mean, sooner or later Dobey is going to want you back to work…what then? I’m a big boy, I’ll keep the door locked. There’s no point in you sitting here watching me sleep.” Hutch could see how tempted Starsky was. “Go on, Starsk…you know you want to.”

“Well, okay, but only for a little while, and only after we get you settled in bed.”

After repeated instructions to Hutch, and making sure he had taken his pain pills, Starsky finally had Hutch settled back into bed. “You know, if you need me, I’ll only be a phone call away.”

“All right already, Starsk, just get out here and let me get some sleep.”

“Okay, I’m outa here.” The door slammed shut, but only seconds later Hutch heard the door open again. Starsky’s head appeared around the door, “Hutch, are you sure you’re gonna be okay here by yourself?”

“STARSKY!” The door slammed shut again. Hutch smiled and snuggled down under the covers.

 

Part Three

As Starsky pulled away, Jake sat in his car, watching him. He had begun to worry that maybe Starsky wouldn’t leave his precious partner. But finally, he was going to get his chance to finish what he’d started. And finally, he would get Nick Starsky off his back. He wondered sometimes how he had ever become involved with Nick. They had such different ideas. He couldn’t help but grin thinking about just how different. He wants the blond cop dead; me…I just want the blond cop. He was getting excited just thinking about it. It wouldn’t be long now.

Within a few seconds, Jake had managed to pick the lock and silently enter Hutch’s apartment. Closing the door behind him, he moved silently through the room. Knowing Hutch had to be in pretty bad shape, Jake knew he most likely would be in bed. Just where I want him, Jake thought as he made his way to the bedroom. A quick glance assured him that this was the case. Hutchinson appeared to be sleeping. Not knowing where Starsky had gone or for how long, he knew he had no time to waste. He just hoped he would have time to thoroughly enjoy himself before he had to kill Hutchinson.

Quietly entering the bedroom, he moved to the night table. Not taking any chances, he yanked the phone cord out of the wall. Now anxious to get on with it, he sat down on the edge of the bed. Looking the blond cop over, he thought, He really is a looker. Blonds had always been his favorites. He reached up and moved the covers down a few inches, taking in the hard muscled chest and arms. He moved his hands down Hutch’s chest. It felt so good to touch him. Hutch stirred, but did not awaken. Jake then moved the covers down further. He laid his hand on the waistband of the white briefs that was Hutch’s only piece of clothing. Suddenly, Hutch’s eyes flew open. Jake quickly put a hand over Hutch’s mouth. Hutch stared in horror. Jake laughed, seeing the panic in his eyes. Leaving his left hand firmly on Hutch’s mouth, he moved his right hand further down the white briefs. Hutch struggled, causing Jake to laugh even more. When Jake’s hand arrived at Hutch’s groin, the blond swung his good arm, hitting Jake in the face. No longer laughing, Jake threw a punch of his own that connected squarely on Hutch’s face. Instantly, blood was running down Hutch’s face.

This can’t be happening, Hutch thought as he desperately tried to think of a way to overpower the huge man who was still holding him down. Just stay calm and think…there has to be a way out of this situation. But what that might be, Hutch hadn’t a clue. With only one good arm, he was at a severe disadvantage.

Jake brought his face closer to Hutch’s. “You know you can’t win this one cop. But that’s okay, I like it rough, so you just go ahead and struggle. That really makes me hot!” And he moved his hand once again down to Hutch’s briefs, this time sliding his hand inside.

Hutch made a strangled moan, “Please…why do you have to do this…? Please don’t.” Jake laughed as he eased his hand back to the waistband of the briefs and slowly pulled them down. Hutch began kicking. He might have had only one good arm, but he did have two good legs. He thrashed around, trying to escape the hand that was tugging his briefs down.

“That’s good, cop, keep fighting me like that. Like I said, it makes me hot.” Grabbing hold of Hutch’s good hand, he placed it on his own bulging erection. “See, I told you, you’re making me want it really bad.” He moved Hutch’s hand in a caressing motion across his own erection. “That’s good…so good.” Hutch’s stomach churned. He tried to jerk his hand away, but Jake was too fast for him. “I told you that feels good!” Jake removed his hand from Hutch’s mouth and leaned closer to him. “You should want this to last, you know, because when it’s over, you’re dead.”

Hutch looked into the eyes of his tormentor and knew he was serious. For the first time in his life, death sounded like the better choice. But to die like this…. Hutch struggled some more. If he could just break free for even a second, maybe he had a chance of getting out of there.

Jake allowed him to struggle for a while and then, wanting to remind him who was in charge, he slammed the heel of his hand into Hutch’s bandaged shoulder wound. Hutch screamed as the pain consumed him. Laughing, Jake pressed harder. Hutch could feel the wound tearing open. He felt the bandage becoming soaked with his blood.

Hutch’s eyes filled with tears, as he struggled to restore his breathing.

“You can fight me all you want, but you best remember who is in control here.” Raising his hand, Jake struck Hutch full in the face. Hutch felt himself beginning to lose consciousness. Jake, not wanting Hutch to miss any of the fun, slapped him again. “Stay with me here, the fun hasn’t even started yet.” Hutch kept his eyes closed, willing his mind to blank out what was happening. He knew he didn’t have much fight left in him and what was the point anyhow? He was a dead man. Starsky was going to come home and find him dead.

Oh God, Starsk…I’m sorry. I really wish you didn’t have find me this way.

Hutch, with his eyes clenched tightly shut, could feel Jake moving around on the bed. Not wanting any more surprises, Hutch opened his eyes to find Jake straddling him. Jake moved up so that he was on his knees and reached for the zipper on his faded jeans. Deep down, a part of Hutch wanted to beg…wanted to beg this scum to please not do this, but he wouldn’t give Jake the satisfaction. He could hear the sound the zipper made, as it was being pulled down. Once again he found himself squeezing his eyes shut, while his hands clutched tightly to the bedding. Hutch couldn’t remember a time he had ever felt so much fear and helplessness.

Hutch could tell Jake had slid his jeans down, then he felt the man’s naked body as he lay on top of him. Disgust filled Hutch. “Open your eyes, Blondie, I want you to watch.” Hutch could hear his own ragged breathing, his heart was pounding like it might leap out of his chest. He didn’t want to watch, he just wanted it to be over. He kept his eyes tightly closed, the weight of the larger man on top of him was crushing his broken ribs. Jake repeated, “Open your eyes!”

Hutch shook his head, “Just…get it over…with.”

“What kind of guy do you think I am, huh? I’m not going to rush into this. I am going to savor every second. We’re going to enjoy lots of foreplay here, friend.”

Hutch felt his pounding heart sink. The scum wasn’t going to just do it and get it over with. Jake’s hand slid down between Hutch’s thighs, he found what he was looking for and began stroking Hutch’s unwilling penis. Hutch felt sick to his stomach. Then Jake grasped hold of his own hard penis and held them together, stroking them slowly.

“Come on, you can do better than this,” Jake snarled as Hutch failed to respond. “You know you like it. Guess I’ll have to work harder to get you in the mood.”

Oh, God, no… Hutch tried to move out from under the sweating body that was on top of him. Pain shot through him as his shoulder was suddenly slammed back onto the bed. Rage took hold of Hutch and he thrashed and heaved his body around, trying to dislodge the heavy body on top of him.

“Remember, I told you I like it rough.” Jake started slapping Hutch’s face over and over, while at the same time, he kept rubbing his erection against Hutch’s limp organ. Jake was breathing faster now, he continued to hold Hutch down, while his other hand found his own penis and was furiously stroking himself. Hutch could hear Jake moaning. For a brief second, Hutch thought he might get lucky and Jake would bring himself to orgasm. But then Jake slowed his stroking, and with the hand he was holding Hutch down with, he began exploring Hutch’s chest. Moving up a little, he leaned down and pressed his lips to Hutch’s. Once again, Hutch struggled and his stomach churned with loathing and disgust. Jake continued his battering of Hutch’s already broken body. By now, the blows really didn’t matter to Hutch, he continued to struggle. He couldn’t just let this happen to him. Despite Hutch’s continued resistance, Jake continued his assault on Hutch’s body. His hand slid beneath Hutch and started massaging his buttocks. Then he slid his hand between them, and his finger traced the opening there.

Hutch started to scream, totally out of control now. “No…no.” Jake then slid his penis between Hutch’s legs and began thrusting, while at the same time, he shoved his finger into Hutch’s tight opening. Hutch screamed even louder this time. But the screaming just seemed to excite Jake further. His mouth started roaming over Hutch’s chest, licking and sucking. Finding Hutch’s nipples, at first he sucked, then sank his teeth into one and then the other. Feeling Hutch thrashing underneath him, Jake once again bit Hutch’s nipples. This time even harder. Hutch’s body went limp, he couldn’t continue this any longer… Let him do what he wants…when he’s done he’ll kill me and it’ll all be over. Hutch found himself actually beginning to look forward to dying. No more pain, no more humiliation, no more being degraded by this perverted punk. Just peace…

“Have you had enough foreplay, cop?” Jake grabbed hold of Hutch and rolled him onto his stomach. Hutch knew what was next. Don’t think about it, block it out. It’s almost over. Soon there will be no more pain. Don’t think about it… Hutch tried to make his mind cooperate. He wanted so much to distance himself from what was about to happen. He felt Jake get to his knees. Then Jake slid his hand under Hutch and lifted. Having no fight left in him and just wanting it over, Hutch did as Jake directed. This was total humiliation. Once Jake had Hutch on his knees and had positioned himself behind him, Hutch realized he had reached total and complete degradation. Hutch had never felt more like crying in his life. He held his breath as he felt Jake part the cheeks of his buttocks and run his finger along the opening. Then he heard the sounds of Jake stroking himself again.

Hutch, finally unable to help it, began to sob. Tears streamed down his face, as he felt Jake ram his finger once again into the opening. Pain…and then he felt hard, blunt thickness push into him. He screamed in agony. He was surely going to be ripped apart. As tears continued to stream down, and amidst Hutch’s anguished screams, Jake began his final assault on Hutch. Don’t think…block it out… Hutch just kept repeating these words to himself. Panting heavily now, Jake reached under and grabbed Hutch’s penis. Angry at Hutch not responding to him, he tighten his hold and jerked and squeezed until Hutch thought he would die from the pain and save Jake the trouble of killing him. Then he felt Jake tense and he knew the man was finally going to reach orgasm. He pulled out and came all over Hutch’s buttocks. Then he went limp and fell over Hutch’s body, forcing Hutch back down onto his stomach. Within seconds, Jake recovered and rolled off the bed. Hutch curled himself into a ball and just lay there waiting for the end of his life. He welcomed it. His only regret was in the realization that Starsky would be the one to find his body. None of this is your fault, Starsk. Don’t blame yourself…please don’t blame yourself.

* * *

Starsky parked the car in front of his apartment. He was anxious to check on Hutch. His trip to the station had not been very successful. No one had had any luck tracking down the suspects. Starsky had mentioned to Dobey about Jake’s threat to come after Hutch. He had left out the reason Jake wanted to come back, to spare his partner any embarrassment. Dobey had offered to send an officer to guard Hutch. Starsky chuckled at the stricken look on Dobey’s face when he had flatly turned down his offer, explaining that the last guard assigned to Hutch “had not been worth shit.”

Starsky put the key in the lock and quietly entered the apartment. He didn’t want to wake Hutch if he had been lucky enough to fall asleep. As he moved silently toward the bedroom, he froze. He could hear someone talking. He flattened himself against the wall and peered into the room. His stomach lurched. Standing next to the bed was one very big man, and he was…oh, God, he was pulling up the zipper on his pants. Starsky’s eyes went to the bed, almost afraid to look. Hutch was curled up on his side. Starsky thought he could hear Hutch crying. The guy leaned over the bed and Starsky heard him say, “maybe I should wait around and give your partner the same as I gave you.”

He heard Hutch whimper, then shout, “Get the hell out of here!”

Starsky quickly became filled with an uncontrollable rage. Without even thinking, he stormed into the room, yelling, “I’m here right now, you BASTARD! If you think you’re tough enough to stick your filthy dick in a man that can fight back, I’m ready. Come on…I’m ready for you.” Starsky was now totally out of control.

Jake looked up, a stunned look on his face. He reached behind him for the gun he had placed there earlier, but he wasn’t fast enough. Starsky hurled the larger man to the floor. Driven by anger, he slammed his fist into Jake’s face again and again. Jake fought back furiously, finally managing to get Starsky off him. He attempted to get to his feet, but once again Starsky had him on the floor. Rage was driving Starsky and it gave him the advantage. He was relentless in his punishment of Jake. “I’ll kill you, you son of a bitch! I’ll kill you!” At that moment Starsky, for the first time in his life, actually wanted to take a life and knew if he tried hard enough, he’d even be able to justify it to himself.

Hutch, trying to clear the pain-filled fog he seemed to be trapped in, thought he had heard Starsky’s voice. “Starsk?” It came out as a faint whisper, but it was enough that Starsky heard it, and it gave Jake an opportunity to take the upper hand, as Starsky turned toward the sound of Hutch’s voice. Jake struck Starsky a powerful blow to the head, stunning him briefly. Starsky tried desperately to clear his head. His vision blurred. He was afraid he might lose consciousness. He couldn’t leave Hutch alone with this animal.

Watching the struggle through a fog, a dazed Hutch made it to his feet, “Starsk…” Hearing Hutch behind him, Jake whirled around. Jake panicked as he saw Hutch coming toward him, and angrily shoved the already unsteady Hutch back against the night table. As Hutch hit the table and slid to the floor, the gun Jake had left there landed on the floor by Hutch’s feet. Jake, not realizing the gun was in Hutch’s reach, headed back toward Starsky. In Jake’s mind, Hutch was no real threat. He needed to take care of Starsky, and then he could deal with killing the blond cop.

Starsky was getting to his feet, trying to reach his friend, when Jake hurled himself at the still dazed, dark-haired cop. Starsky went down. Jake slammed his right fist into Starsky’s face as his left hand reached for the cop’s gun. As Starsky and Jake struggled, Hutch reached for the gun lying on the floor. Holding the cold metal in his hands, he managed to get himself to his knees. He sat there on his knees, his mind racing, images flickering in and out. In his mind, he could see Jake’s naked body…could feel Jake’s body as it took possession of his own…he felt humiliated and degraded. Hutch blinked his eyes trying to focus on what was going on around him. Starsky needed him. He couldn’t let Jake hurt Starsky. I can’t let him hurt Starsky the way he hurt me. Hutch’s hand trembled as he brought the gun up and took aim.

The sound of two shots echoed loudly through the room. Starsky, who had just managed to get control of his gun, watched in horror as Jake’s body fell forward toward him. For a second, he sat there in stunned silence. Then he was jolted back to reality by the sound of Hutch’s ragged sobbing. Starsky quickly felt Jake’s neck for a pulse. Finding none, he shook his head slowly, finding it hard to feel any sorrow over the man’s death. How could he feel anything about the death of this man who had caused so much hurt to Hutch? Hutch! Starsky moved toward his partner, who remained on his knees, still holding the gun.

“Hutch.” Starsky reached out and slowly eased the gun out of his friend’s hand. Hutch didn’t move. Laying the gun back on the night table, he turned his attention to his partner. Hutch was huddled over, his head down as if somehow trying to avoid facing Starsky.

“Hutch. Look at me, Hutch.” Hutch still remained with his head down. Receiving no reply, Starsky reached out and slowly lifted Hutch’s chin until they were face-to-face. It nearly broke Starsky’s heart to see how battered and bruised his partner’s face was…but it was the look in his eyes. Almost like that of a trapped animal, with no way out.

“Hutch, talk to me.” But Hutch remained silent. Starsky knew he had to call the shooting in, and once he did, questions would have to be answered. He didn’t feel like dealing with questions right now. He needed to take care of his friend. Starsky was worried about the Hutch’s mental state, that and the shoulder wound that had been reopened. Taking a good look at his partner, he shuddered, thinking of what Hutch must have gone through. Starsky took a deep breath. First things first. He needed to get Hutch cleaned up some, get him dressed and settled down. Then he would call Dobey; maybe this whole situation could be handled in a quick and easy manner. But there would still be questions. Questions he wasn’t sure how to answer. He didn’t think Hutch would want anyone knowing what had happened here. He knew he should get him to the hospital, too, but he also knew what Hutch would have to say about that.

Starsky left Hutch briefly to get some warm water and first aid supplies. He returned to find Hutch sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at Jake’s body. He looked up as he heard Starsky enter the room, “I’m…sorry…I don’t understand…” Hutch’s bruised and swollen face was now filled with a look of total confusion. Once again, Starsky found himself wondering about the mental condition of his best friend. But he was relieved that Hutch had finally broken his silence.

“It’s okay, Hutch. I’ll take care of everything. Come on now, and lie down here so I can clean you up. I need to get you taken care of so I can call Dobey.” Hutch quietly did as he was told.

“You know, Hutch, we should get you to the hospital.” Starsky said softly as he wiped the blood from Hutch’s face. I think I can take care of your shoulder okay, but you know he might have hurt you… I’m not a doctor, there is only so much I can do for you.”

“NO! I won’t go! Please, Starsk. I don’t care if I’m hurt. Damn it, I wanted him to kill me! He was supposed to kill me! This was all supposed to be over now. Don’t you understand? I wanted him to kill me when it was all over, that’s all I thought about while he was…” Hutch was sobbing uncontrollably.

“Please calm down, Hutch. I’ll take care of you. I won’t take you to the hospital. I promise, buddy, just please calm down.” Starsky caressed the bruised face gently as tears continued to fall. Hutch wanted to die. Does he still want to die? Oh, God…Hutch, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left you.

Hutch’s sobs finally slowed and his breathing started to even out. Starsky pulled himself together as best he could and continued wiping Hutch’s bruised body. He had a lot to do, he couldn’t fall apart now. He cringed when he noticed the bite marks around Hutch’s nipples. With shaking hands, he reached for some bandages. Pressing them against Hutch’s shoulder, he reached for the tape. Hutch didn’t react to any of it. He just lay still while Starsky tended to him. “Okay, that’s it for now, buddy. We’ll do a better job later. Let’s get you into some clothes now.”

After much effort, and some pain on Hutch’s part, Starsky finally had Hutch in some sweat pants. Not liking the thought of Hutch spending any more time on the soiled sheets, he led Hutch to the couch while he stripped the bed and replaced the sheets. He made sure to put the dirty sheets in the hamper. Once he had accomplished all of that, he moved a quiet Hutch back into the bedroom and settled him in the bed. Not wanting Hutch to have to deal with any questions just yet, he made the decision to give Hutch something to help him sleep. He knew that may not be the right thing to do, but it was the best thing for Hutch right now. He knew Hutch was in no condition to deal with any questions. Once Hutch had swallowed the pills, Starsky sat beside him, waiting for them to take effect. Hutch didn’t say anything, but kept his eyes fixed on Starsky. Starsky, in a soft voice, kept repeating over and over, “Everything is going to be okay.” After a while, he wasn’t sure if it was Hutch or himself he was trying to convince. Once Hutch had drifted to sleep, Starsky got up and went to the living room to make his long overdue call to Captain Dobey.

Hearing Dobey’s gruff voice, Starsky took a deep breath. “Cap’n, it’s Starsky. I have a touchy situation here. I could use your help.”

“What kind of situation, Starsky?”

“Well, I have a dead body in my bedroom.”

“You what? What’s going on, Starsky?” Dobey’s voice rose in volume.

“Cap’n, that scum, Jake, came back for Hutch.”

What happened, Starsky?”

“Could you just get over here Cap’n? And can we wait to call the coroner until you get here and hear what happened. Captain, Hutch is in pretty bad shape here. I’m really worried about him. Please just get over here.”

“Okay, Starsky, I’m on my way.” The line went dead.

Starsky sat on the bed beside his sleeping friend. He hoped that Hutch wouldn’t be too upset with him, but he was going to tell Dobey everything that had happened. I don’t know any other way, Hutch. I need some help. You know we’ve always been able to count on the captain. I promise you, buddy, I ‘m gonna take good care of you. We’ll get through this somehow. I’m sorry, Hutch. I’m really, really sorry that I left you today. It will never happen again

* * *

Hearing Dobey knocking on the door and calling his name, Starsky pulled the blanket around Hutch more securely. “It’s almost over, buddy.”

Dobey strode into the room as Starsky opened the door. “What the hell is going on?”

Starsky led the way into the bedroom. “Cap’n, I want you to meet Jake Tyler.” Starsky pointed to the body on the floor.

“What happened?” Dobey asked.

Starsky glanced over at the bed where Hutch lay sleeping. “There’s something I need to tell you. And I need this to just be between the two of us. I know Hutch wouldn’t want anyone else to find out about what happened here today.”

“Starsky you know I’ll do what I can.” Dobey’s eyes went to the bed. “Is he okay?”

Starsky’s voice trembled as he replied, “I’m not sure he’ll ever be okay, Cap’n. Oh, God, it’s all my fault. I knew what Jake wanted. I never should have left him alone.”

“Starsky!” Dobey ‘s tone got firm. “What happened?”

Starsky sank down onto the bed. “That animal there on the floor…he…” Starsky could feel the tears welling up in his eyes. “He raped him…Cap’n…he raped Hutch. He beat him and he raped him! I’m afraid of what this…has done to Hutch. I’m scared, Cap’n…I’m scared that Hutch won’t be able to handle this. What am I going to do?”

Dobey looked as if he had been struck. “Oh, my God.” Dobey moved closer to the bed and looked down at the bruised face. “Starsky, I’ll do whatever I can. You know I will. And as far as what you’re going to do…you’ll do what you always do. Just be there for each other.”

After Starsky had filled Dobey in on what had happened after he had arrived home, Dobey had called the coroner. Dobey had assured Starsky that it sounded like Hutch had fired the gun in defense of his partner, and he felt Internal Affairs would agree with that. He told Starsky he would explain that Hutch would be unavailable for questioning for a few days due to the beating he had received.

Feeling somewhat better now, Starsky walked Dobey to the door. Dobey turned toward Starsky, “You and Hutch can both consider yourselves on an indefinite leave of absence. Take care of him, Starsky. Maybe you should get him to a hospital.”

“Captain, Hutch hasn’t said much since any of this happened, but he did make himself pretty clear when I mentioned taking him to the hospital. Don’t worry, if it looks like he needs a doctor, I’ll see that he gets one.”

Dobey patted Starsky’s shoulder, as he walked through the door. “I know you’ll do what’s best for him. Keep me posted, huh?”

* * *

As the door closed behind Dobey, Starsky sank down onto the couch. Part of him felt an immense sense of relief that he had gotten through everything with the coroner and Dobey, but he knew the hardest part still was ahead of him. Sighing, he got up and went into the bedroom to check on Hutch. He wished he knew what to do for his friend. He’d feel better if he could have a doctor examine him. He eased himself down on the bed next to Hutch. He hoped that he would be able to help him, but he hadn’t a clue how he could do that. He didn’t want to say or do the wrong thing. He knew Hutch was in a real fragile condition right now. He sat there for a long time, deep in thought, struggling with all his feelings of rage. Rage toward Nick and Jake. Nick…when I get my hands on you…God help you! Rage at himself that he had left Hutch alone. Rage at the whole unfair situation. Hutch didn’t deserve this.

Starsky reached out and took Hutch’s hand in his. The feeling that he needed to touch his partner had suddenly become so overwhelming. Hutch’s hand felt warm in his, reassuring him that his partner was alive. Hutch is alive, that’s what’s important. Tears came to Starsky’s eyes, when he felt Hutch’s hand tighten on his. He looked up to see Hutch silently watching him and a single tear ran down his face. Starsky tightened his hold on Hutch’s hand and leaned closer, “I’m here for you, Hutch. I won’t leave you again.

Hutch nodded weakly. “I’m sorry, Starsk…so sorry.”

Starsky shook his head, “You’ve got nothin’ to be sorry about. Don’t you ever forget that. None of this is your fault.” Hutch stared into Starsky’s eyes, wanting to believe what he was hearing. He nodded again and his eyes slowly closed. Starsky reached over and gently wiped the single tear from Hutch’s face. As he did so, he realized that Hutch seemed awfully warm to him, and his face seemed flushed. Panic began to set in. Hutch is running a fever, he needs medical attention.

Starsky pulled the covers down and slowly started to remove the bandage from Hutch’s shoulder. Looking at the wound, Starsky realized he didn’t have to be a doctor to know it didn’t look good. Hutch let out a soft strangled moan, a tortured look on his face. “Sorry, buddy, I didn’t mean to hurt you. Oh, Hutch, I don’t know if you can hear me, but you need help.” Starsky gently replaced the bandage on Hutch’s shoulder. Reaching for the bedside phone that still lay on the floor, he whispered, “forgive me, Hutch.” Starsky slid down to the floor and plugged the phone back into the wall. Glancing quickly at Hutch, he picked up the receiver and began dialing. After several rings, the phone was answered. Hearing Huggy on the other end, Starsky took a deep breath. “Huggy, I need some help.”

“All you have to do is ask my friend,” Huggy replied.

“I need a doctor, Hug. I need a doctor who won’t ask any questions and who won’t report anything.”

“What’s wrong, Starsky?”

“It’s Hutch, he’s running a fever and his shoulder is infected.”

Huggy was puzzled now. “Starsky, I know I may not be the smartest person around, but why don’t you just call Hutch’s doctor?” Huggy heard only silence at the other end of the line for what seemed like forever. Then he heard what sounded like crying. “Starsky what’s wrong?”

“Huggy…something bad has happened to Hutch. Really bad, Hug.” Hearing the anguish in Starsky’s voice brought back memories of another bad thing that had happened to Hutch. Huggy knew neither he nor Starsky would ever forget the horror of watching Hutch as he went through the agony of withdrawal from heroin. Huggy braced himself. He knew if Starsky sounded this bad, Hutch must be in real trouble.

“Talk to me, Starsky. You know I’ll do anything I can to help Hutch.”

“Huggy…he’s been beaten and raped. Can you find a doctor? Please, Huggy, help us.”

Huggy sank onto a nearby bar stool. He felt sick to his stomach. “Starsky, I’ll make a few calls and get right back to you.” The phone went dead before Starsky had a chance to say thanks.

Starsky pulled himself to his feet, set the phone back on the night table, and staggered to the bathroom. His whole body ached from the fight with Jake. He splashed cold water on his bruised face, then wet a towel, and staggered back out to Hutch. He wiped Hutch’s face, wondering if he should look for a thermometer to take Hutch’s temperature. He seemed to be even warmer than before. Hutch lay quietly as Starsky wiped his face and neck with the cool towel. But that changed when Starsky moved to his wounded shoulder. Even though he tried to be as gentle as possible, Hutch still moaned in pain as Starsky removed the bandage. “Easy, Hutch. I know it hurts, but it needs to be cleaned. It looks like it’s gotten infected.”

“Starsk…I don’t feel so good.” Hutch’s bleary eyes opened, watching Starsky as he cleaned the wound.

“I know, Hutch. I promise you’ll be feeling better real soon. Just rest.”

Hutch’s weary eyes closed briefly and then suddenly opened. “Starsky…I’m going to be sick. Oh, God…I feel sick. Help…me up.” With Starsky’s help, Hutch just made it to the bathroom. Hutch immediately bolted toward the toilet, warm fluid gushing from his mouth.

Starsky managed to keep one hand on Hutch’s chest, and one hand rested gently on the warm forehead, holding it steady. “Easy, Hutch.” Starsky felt his own stomach lurch as the remaining contents of Hutch’s stomach came spilling out. Hutch sputtered and gagged, the acid taste burning his throat.

Hutch moaned softly and fell back against Starsky. Starsky pulled him close, being careful not to squeeze him too tight, but it felt so good to have this contact with him. He hoped the close contact felt good to Hutch, too. The ringing of the phone shattered the peaceful moment. Starsky hoped it was Huggy with some good news about the doctor. Starsky maneuvered Hutch so he was leaning against the wall. “I’ll be right back. Just sit quiet.”

Starsky breathed a sigh of relief when he heard Huggy’s voice on the other end of the line. “Starsky, the doctor should be there in about an hour. His name is Dr. Logan. He’s good, and he won’t say a thing to anybody.”

“Huggy, I owe you one.”

“Yeah, well, right now you just worry about taking care of Hutch.”

“Thanks, Huggy.”

“Starsky, if you need anything else, just give me a ring. I’ll try and stop by later after I close up.”

“Thanks again, Huggy.” Starsky hung up the phone. Now the hard part–breaking the news to Hutch that a doctor would soon be here to check him out. Even though he knew he had no choice, he hated to go against Hutch’s wishes.

Starsky found Hutch standing rather unsteadily at the bathroom sink. “Hey, I thought I told you to sit quiet.”

“Starsk.” Hutch turned toward Starsky. “I need to clean myself up. I feel…”

Starsky moved toward his partner. “How about I give you a hand?” Hutch shook his head as Starsky picked up a washcloth and a bar of soap.

“No, I need a shower, Starsky. I need to scrub myself…I need to get rid of the feel of Jake.” Hutch’s face took on that same look it had had just after he had shot Jake. That trapped look.

“Okay, buddy, but I don’t think a shower is such a good idea. Even if you didn’t have a cast on your arm that shouldn’t get wet, you’re not too steady on your feet. How about I put some water in the tub and you soak for a while. I can put something on the cast so it doesn’t get wet.”

Hutch nodded his head in agreement, his eyes meeting Starsky’s. Starsky hated that trapped look that seemed to stay with Hutch. But after what Hutch had been through, what else could be expected? Starsky busied himself gathering towels and running the bath water. Hutch had turned back to the sink and was making a clumsy attempt at brushing his teeth.

Starsky was still trying to get up the nerve to tell Hutch that a doctor would be arriving shortly, as he helped his friend ease into the tub of warm water. “Feel good?” Hutch nodded, but grimaced as he sat down. Starsky cringed inside when he realized what had most likely been the reason for Hutch’s pain. Starsky had been trying hard to avoid giving much thought to what Jake had actually done to Hutch. “Need some help getting washed?” Starsky asked, as he wrapped a towel around Hutch’s cast. He had situated Hutch so his broken arm could rest on the edge of the tub.

“No, I can manage,” Hutch replied, as he struggled with the soap and washcloth with one hand.

“Are you sure?”

“No, I guess I do need help. Pretty pathetic, huh? Can’t protect myself and now I can’t even wash myself.” The defeat in Hutch’s voice was more than Starsky could bear.

“That’s what I’m here for, partner.” Starsky reached out and took the washcloth from Hutch. “We’ll have you nice and clean in no time.” Hutch leaned back and enjoyed the feeling of being taken care of, although he hated the thought of having to have Starsky wash him. He wasn’t sure he wanted someone’s hands on him right now, but he had to admit it did feel good to let Starsky take over. Hutch closed his eyes, as Starsky continued his gentle washing.

“Hey, you’re not gonna fall asleep on me, are you?”

Hutch opened his eyes.

“Hutch, there’s something I gotta tell you. I know you’re not gonna like it, but I thought it was the best thing to do.”

“I don’t like the sound of this, but let’s hear it.” Hutch watched Starsky’s face, trying to decide how bad this was going to be.

“Well, uh…I called, and…well.”

“Well, what, Starsky?”

“Okay, okay…I called a doctor for you,” Starsky blurted out.

Hutch stared in shock at his best friend. “Why? Why, Starsky? You knew I didn’t want a doctor…I don’t want someone poking around where they don’t belong. I don’t want any of this to get out. Damn it, why?”

Starsky took a deep breath. “Hutch, I know you didn’t want a doctor, and if I thought I had a choice I wouldn’t have called one. Hutch, your shoulder is infected and you’re running a fever. I couldn’t just sit here and let you get worse. I know you don’t want anyone poking around at you, but you might be hurt. When Jake…well…you might be hurt.”

Hutch, trying very hard to stay in control, replied in a bitter tone, “Go ahead and say it…you can say it, Starsk. Jake raped me.”

“Okay,” Starsky replied in an equally controlled tone. “Jake might have seriously hurt you when he raped you. I think it’s just a lot smarter to be safe than sorry.” Starsky grabbed a towel from the rack. “Come on, let’s get you out of the water before you turn into a prune.”

Hutch silently stood, swaying slightly, but Starsky reached out and steadied him. Once out of the tub, Hutch was wrapped in a large towel and Starsky helped dry him off. Hutch remained silent, as Starsky helped him step into a clean pair of sweat pants.

Still feeling betrayed by his partner, Hutch made his way back to the bedroom on his own. Starsky watched him leave, feeling like he had just lost his best friend. Starsky cleaned up the bathroom, trying to avoid facing Hutch again for as long as he could.

Not able to put it off any longer, Starsky went to check on Hutch. He found the blond standing in the middle of the room. He looked exhausted. Being up and around appeared to have taken a lot out of him. His face was flushed. Starsky walked over and led an unresisting Hutch to the bed, easing him down. “You need some rest, partner. And I better get this shoulder bandaged up.” Starsky ran his hand lightly across Hutch’s face. “You’re still running a fever.”

Hutch caught Starsky’s hand. “I’m sorry, I know you were just doing what you thought best.” Hutch tried to give Starsky a smile. He knew that his attempt had been feeble, but it did seem to make Starsky feel better.

Starsky returned the smile. “Thanks.”

Just then, there was a knock on the door. Hutch groaned and rolled his eyes. “Starsky, I don’t want this. You’re going to pay for this.”

Starsky headed toward the door, “I’m sure I will.” Letting the doctor in, Starsky shook his hand and briefly explained the situation. Dr. Logan assured Starsky that Huggy had given him the details and had stressed the need for everything to be kept in complete confidence. “We really appreciate this. Oh, and I should probably warn you, the patient is not too happy about you being here,” Starsky said as he led the way into the bedroom.

After introductions had been made, Starsky started for the door, only to be halted by Hutch demanding, “Where do you think you’re going?”

“Well, I thought you might be more comfortable if I left the room.”

Hutch shook his head weakly. “Not on your life, partner. It’s ‘me and thee’ time.” Hutch patted the side of the bed, “Have a seat, Starsk.”

The doctor finished taking Hutch’s pulse and moved on to take his blood pressure. Seeming to be fairly satisfied with what he found, he then began removing the bandage Starsky had just finished placing on the shoulder. Starsky reached for Hutch’s hand as the pain in Hutch’s shoulder flared. Hutch gasped as the doctor poked and prodded the wound. Dr. Logan glanced up at Starsky.

“You were right, the wound is infected. Good thing you had sense enough to call someone before it got any worse.” Starsky was tempted to flash a triumphant look in the direction of his friend, but thought better of it as Hutch moaned when the doctor applied ointment to the wound. Once the wound was bandaged, Hutch’s temperature was taken. “Just a bit on the high side, nothing to worry about at this point. We’ll get him started on some antibiotics.” The doctor worked quickly, running his hands along Hutch’s ribs, taking in the bite marks on his chest, then up to Hutch’s battered face. Noticing the arm in the cast, he inquired, “The arm doing okay?”

Hutch nodded, “Yeah, it seems okay.”

Starsky felt Hutch tense up, as the doctor pulled the blanket down and slid down the sweat pants. “Okay, detective we need to get you on your side.” With Starsky’s help, Hutch was soon settled on his side, hands clenched tightly to the sheet. Starsky was beginning to feel very uncomfortable and wished desperately he could think of something to make this easier for Hutch. At the same time, Hutch wondered why he had insisted Starsky stay. He knew this had to be making Starsky uneasy. What was the point in both of them being uncomfortable?

“Starsk…you don’t have to stay.”

Starsky laid his hand on Hutch’s shoulder and squeezed lightly. “I’m staying right here, buddy. We’ll get through this together. Hey, it will be over before you know it.”

“Okay, detective, I’ll make this as easy as I can. But I have to warn you, there will be some discomfort.” Dr. Logan pulled on some latex gloves and parted the pale buttocks. Hutch swallowed hard, his whole body tensing.

“Easy, Hutch.” Starsky rubbed Hutch’s back slowly, hoping to get him to relax. Starsky studied the doctor’s face, hoping to get a clue as to how bad it might be. A frown crossed the Dr. Logan’s face briefly, as he continued his exam.

“This is going to get uncomfortable now, try to relax.” As those words were uttered by the doctor, he slid his finger into the swollen opening.

Hutch gasped and struggled against the intruding finger. Starsky held on tightly to his friend. Sweat ran down Hutch’s face, hands gripping the sheets.

“Starsk…please.” The words were uttered in a low moan. Starsky felt his throat tightening up and suddenly felt the urge to cry. Starsky watched as the doctor reached for a tube of cream, wanting to tell him to hurry and get this over with. The finger was withdrawn briefly, but a gasp from Hutch indicated that it had been inserted again.

“This ointment should make it feel better,” the doctor said as he worked his finger, spreading the ointment around the inner walls. The finger withdrew and began spreading some of the soothing cream around the bruised opening. “That should do it for now.” The doctor peeled off the latex gloves. “I am going to give you a couple of shots, though. One for infection and one just to make you feel better.”

Starsky pushed the damp hair from Hutch’s forehead. “Almost done, buddy.” Hutch clenched his teeth, but made no sound as the needle hit its target. When the second needle was withdrawn, Hutch gave a little sigh of relief and closed his eyes. As the doctor had promised, the one shot was making him feel much better. He felt his whole body begin to relax. Starsky patted his arm and got up to walk the Dr. Logan to the door.

Once outside the bedroom, Starsky asked, “How is he?”

The doctor took a deep breath. “He’ll be fine in time. Keep him in bed and quiet for a few days. Give that shoulder time to start healing.”

Starsky looked questioningly at the doctor, “What about…?

Dr. Logan, knowing what Starsky couldn’t bring himself to ask, made it easy for him. “He’s been torn up some, he’s going to be sore for a few days, but he’ll be okay.”

Starsky found he had been holding his breath. “Thank God. What can I do for him?”

Dr. Logan paused, “probably the most important thing is to just be there for him. He’s been through a lot, and he is probably going to have a lot going on emotionally. Just be patient with him. As far as the physical, call me if he should take a turn for the worse, but I think that’s unlikely. I’ll call a couple of prescriptions in for him. Something for pain and something to help him sleep. And I left the ointment on the table in there, that should ease the pain and swelling.” The doctor headed out the door, then paused and turned back to Starsky. “When he’s feeling better, counseling might be a good idea.”

Starsky nodded, but the thought that Hutch, of all people, might need counseling was a bit overwhelming. “Thanks for everything. Be sure to send me a bill.” Starsky closed the door slowly. He hadn’t given much thought to what Hutch might still have to deal with after the physical injuries had healed.

Starsky stood for a moment, feeling very exhausted. A quick check on Hutch, and then time for a shower and something to eat and, if at all possible, a few hours of sleep.

Starsky stood in the doorway of his bedroom, watching Hutch sleep. The pain medication had done its job. Even in sleep, Hutch appeared somewhat lost and frightened. Starsky had a sudden urge to wake Hutch–he needed to let Hutch know that he was not alone and never would be. But common sense prevailed. Hutch needed his rest. There would be time when Hutch was feeling more rested to let him know how much he cared for him.

Realizing the smart thing to do while Hutch was sleeping would be to take care of his own needs, Starsky headed for the shower. The hot water flowing onto to his aching and exhausted body felt wonderful. He let his mind block out all the bad things that had happened in the last two days. He concentrated only on how good the shower felt. But soon another need took over–his stomach demanded to be fed. After quickly drying off and pulling on a pair of jeans, Starsky headed toward the kitchen. Not having the energy to fix anything that required much effort, he made a sandwich and grabbed a can of soda. Once settled on the couch, the sandwich and soda were soon consumed. His brother not having been completely out of his thoughts for some time now, Starsky reached for the phone. He figured he’d try his mother one more time. Maybe Nick had gone back home, assuming that Jake would have completed the job by now. Starsky let the phone ring a dozen or so times. No one seemed to be home. He glanced at his watch, hard to believe that it was only a little after eight. Starsky gave up and hung up the phone. Knowing his mother, Starsky figured she was either at a neighbor’s or visiting one of his many relatives. He thought about calling Dobey, but decided not to bother him. He was sure Dobey would have notified him if there were any word on Nick.

After checking on Hutch one more time and finding him still asleep, Starsky grabbed a blanket and pillow and headed back out to the couch. With a little luck, he would be able to get a couple of hours’ sleep before Hutch woke up.

* * *

Hutch opened his eyes. Shadows moved around the dark room, the only light coming from the streetlight outside the window. He looked around, feeling confused. For a brief second, he wondered where he was. Then reality came swiftly crashing in on him. As the horrifying events of the previous day passed through his mind, he moaned softly in anguish. Fear washed over him, his body trembled, and he fought the urge to scream. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut, hoping to block it all out. But even with his eyes closed, Jake’s face loomed over him. Jake’s hands roamed over his body. Hutch’s stomach churned, he felt nauseous. The images rushing through his mind seemed so real. It was as if it were all happening again.

“Starsky! Please help me, Starsky!” Hutch twisted and turned on the bed, as if to get away from the cruel hands of Jake. “Starsky…Starsky…where are you?” Hutch began screaming, panic setting in. Had Starsky left him alone? Had something happened to Starsky?

Suddenly Starsky was there, pulling Hutch close. “I’m here…I’m right here, Hutch.” Holding his partner tightly, Starsky could feel Hutch’s perspiration drenched body tremble. Starsky ran his hands soothingly up and down the blond’s arms. “Easy, Hutch. It’s okay now, I’m here.” Nothing seemed to help his tormented partner. Agonized sobs wracked Hutch’s body now, as the dark-haired cop tried to pull his friend closer to him.

After what seemed like an eternity, the sobbing began to ease up. Hutch turned his head so he could see Starsky’s face. “I was so scared. I’m…still scared…and then I didn’t know…where you were. I’m afraid he’ll be back…”

“Hutch, Jake is dead.” Starsky held Hutch’s chin and tilted his face upward. “He’s dead. It’s over Hutch.”

“NO! It’s not over, I still see him, I still feel him.” Hutch tried to move out of Starsky’s arms, then suddenly stilled his movements. “Starsk?” Hutch swallowed hard. “Starsk…I killed him. I killed Jake. Oh, God….”

“Hutch, please calm down. It’s okay.” Starsky hated to see Hutch getting himself all worked up again. “It’s all being taken care of, Hutch. You just need to get yourself some rest and heal that shoulder. I promise you that everything is going to work out okay.”

Starsky continuously stroked Hutch’s good arm, trying to ease his partner’s fears. Thinking back to his conversation with Dobey, he realized how true the words he had said might be. Hutch might very well be destroyed. Hutch had always been one of the strongest people he knew. He had never known Hutch to be afraid of anything before. Nick, what have you done?

Hutch calmed down, but lay with eyes wide open just staring. Starsky’s hand slid to Hutch’s face and gently pushed the sweat-dampened hair back from his forehead. Hutch sighed, it felt good to have Starsky close. But, as much as he hated to leave the safety and comfort of Starsky’s arms, a trip to the bathroom was much needed. “Starsky, I need to get up.” Hutch struggled to sit up, wincing slightly as the movement reminded him of his injuries.

“The doctor said you should stay in bed,” Starsky said, as he tried unsuccessfully to ease his partner back down.

“I don’t care what the doctor said, “I need to use the bathroom, and I intend to do just that.”

“I don’t suppose you would consider an alternate plan, would you?” Starsky asked hopefully, as he reached to turn on the lamp.

Hutch glared at him, “Not on your life, buddy. I am perfectly capable of going to the bathroom under my own power.” Finally on his feet, Hutch headed to the bathroom, Starsky not far behind. Reaching the bathroom door, Hutch turned, “I’ve been humiliated enough for one day, Starsky…I can do this alone.” Starsky stood in silence as his partner slammed the bathroom door behind him. Taking a deep breath, Starsky shook his head wearily. He had a feeling things were going to get a lot worse before they got better.

Once his task was accomplished, Hutch took a good look at himself in the mirror. He looked like hell. He knew in time, the bruising and cuts would heal and his outside appearance would pretty much return to normal. It was inside that concerned him. Inside he felt even worse than the outside looked. So much had changed in such a short time. His life would never be the same. He had so many emotions charging through him. Fear, shame, anger, rage, guilt… How could he possibly continue to be a cop? He couldn’t even take care of himself. The thought had crossed his mind several times in the last few hours that he actually felt cheated…cheated out of his own death. Death, the end of his pain. In the back of his mind, he knew that his death would have only been the beginning of Starsky’s pain. But it didn’t matter. Right now, he just wanted to end his own pain. Hutch’s good hand tightly gripped the edge of the sink. Looking into the mirror, he hated the pathetic creature looking back at him.

“Hutch…Hutch are you okay?” Not immediately getting an answer, Starsky pounded on the door. Panic filled Hutch. He stared at the door, trembling as he watched the doorknob slowly turn. Not taking his eyes off the now slowly opening door, Hutch began slowly backing up. Having retreated as far as he could go, Hutch felt trapped. The door swung completely open. “Hutch?” Starsky stared at the sight of his terrified friend. “Hutch…it’s me.” Keeping his tone soft, he moved toward his partner. “I’m sorry if I scared you.” Hutch felt his knees give way, as relief now replaced the panic he had been feeling. Starsky grabbed hold of his partner and slowly eased him down to the floor. “You okay?” Starsky asked, his voice filled with concern.

Head down, Hutch mumbled, “Sorry. Guess I’m kind of a mess in more ways than one, huh?”

Starsky slid down and sat next to his partner and, putting his arm around Hutch’s shoulder, he pulled Hutch close. “Hey, I promise you everything will be okay. You believe that don’t you?”

Hutch looked into Starsky’s eyes. He knew Starsky believed what he was saying, or at least wanted to believe it. “No, everything is not going to be okay. Everything has changed and it can never be the way it used to be.” Hutch’s voice trembled. “So please quit trying to make me feel better. There’s nothing you can do.” Starsky sat quietly, at a loss for words. Somehow he would make things all right. That much he knew for sure. He would not sit by and let Hutch give up.

They sat on the bathroom floor, Starsky with his arm still tightly around Hutch, saying nothing. Finally, Starsky moved to get to his feet, ” I don’t know about you, but I think we’d be more comfortable if we moved out of the bathroom.” He reached down and gently pulled Hutch to his feet. “Hutch, you feel like eating something?”

“No. What time is it anyway?”

Starsky glanced at his watch. “it’s a little past midnight. You really need to eat something, Hutch, you haven’t had anything since lunch.”

“I’m not hungry, Starsky.” Hutch moved past Starsky and wandered slowly back into the bedroom. Starsky went to the kitchen, filled a glass with water, and made his way back to the bedroom.

“Time for you take your pills,” Starsky said as he entered the bedroom. Hutch, who was sitting on the side of the bed, took the glass of water and swallowed the pills Starsky held out to him.

“I’ll be out on the couch if you need anything. Just yell,” Starsky said as he took the empty glass from Hutch and started to leave.

“Starsk, would you mind sleeping in here?”

“Sure, partner, guess we would probably both sleep better. I’ll just go get my pillow.”

Starsky grabbed his pillow and blanket from the couch and turned off the lights. Standing in the doorway, watching Hutch as he struggled to get comfortable, he wished there was something he could do to help. He hated this feeling of helplessness. “Hey, buddy, you sure I won’t disturb you?” Starsky stood next to the bed looking down at Hutch. The look in the blue eyes that stared back at him gave him his answer.

Hutch pulled the blankets back. “I don’t want to be alone. You won’t disturb me. I’ll sleep better knowing you’re here with me.”

“Good, I didn’t wanna sleep on the couch anyway.” Starsky slid under the covers and reached up and turned off the light. “You let me know if you need anything, and no getting up in the dark and stumbling around. You hear me?”

“I hear ya. Now shut up and go to sleep. You don’t look real good yourself, you know.” Hutch reached out and patted Starsky’s stomach.

Starsky, in turn, placed his hand on top of Hutch’s. “Yeah, but you still look worse than I do. Go to sleep.”

Starsky lay awake long after the pills had taken effect on Hutch. His mind was a jumble of thoughts. Why had this happened? How could his brother have been involved in something like this? Where was Nicky? But one thought kept coming back again and again… How do I help Hutch? Starsky knew no matter how bad he imagined it to have been for Hutch, it would never come close to the reality. Starsky’s stomach twisted into painful knots, just picturing what Jake had done to his partner. He couldn’t think of a thing he could say to Hutch that would make it better. There were just no words. All I can do is be here for him.

Hutch stirred restlessly in his sleep, mumbling something Starsky couldn’t decipher. Starsky, reacting to his need to take care of Hutch and wanting Hutch to know he was safe, laid his arm across Hutch’s chest and carefully pulled him tightly to him. Hutch snuggled into Starsky’s side, and settled back in a restful sleep. Starsky, too, was soon fast asleep.

* * *

Starsky stared sadly into a cup of coffee. He had been sitting at the kitchen table for almost an hour now. His thoughts centered on his partner. It had been three weeks since the assaults on Hutch had taken place. Physically Hutch was just about healed. His cast would be coming off in a few more weeks. The shoulder had healed with no complications. Even though the physical pain was pretty much gone, Hutch was far from well. The last three weeks had been like riding on a roller coaster. Most of the time Hutch stayed quiet and withdrawn, speaking only when spoken to. But the times Starsky had tried to get Hutch to talk about his feelings, Hutch had flown into a rage. His anger getting so out of control that it had taken Starsky quite a while to get Hutch calmed down. And when it was all over, Starsky had still not succeeded in getting Hutch to talk, and he went back to being withdrawn. It seemed that all Starsky could do now was try and take care of Hutch’s basic needs, making sure that he at least attempted to eat and sleep. Starsky knew for a fact that Hutch didn’t sleep much. And getting him to eat was not always an easy task. Starsky also knew that Hutch was not able to keep much of what he ate down. He was at a dead end here. He had no idea how to help someone who wouldn’t even make an attempt to help himself.

Just as Starsky got up to pour himself another cup of coffee, Hutch silently entered the room. “Good morning,” Starsky said as he poured a cup of coffee for Hutch.

Hutch took the cup offered to him. “Morning.”

It was obvious that Hutch had not slept very well. He looked awful. It hurt to see Hutch like this. “Did you sleep okay?”

“Fine.”

“Yeah, right. I know better than that Hutch. Don’t lie to me.” Starsky could see Hutch tense as if ready to do battle.

“What makes you think I’m lying?”

Starsky knew he should be careful here, but he was so sick of what had been going on. Maybe it was time to take a stricter approach with Hutch. “Just looking at you, hell, a blind man could probably tell that you’re not sleeping. You look like hell!”

Hutch’s eyes met Starsky’s. Starsky could tell Hutch was about to explode into one of his rages. Maybe the best thing would be to keep pushing him. Maybe if pushed hard enough, he would get some of his anger out.

“I can tell you all about your sleep habits.” Starsky moved closer to Hutch, who, at the same time, attempted to back away.

“Sure, you sleep for about all of two, maybe even two and half, hours. Then around one o’clock in the morning, you start tossing and turning…I’m guessing nightmares.” Starsky paused briefly, then continued. “Then after tossing and turning for a couple hours, your body drenched in sweat, you crawl quietly out of bed; you pace around a while, and then you sit there in the dark. How am I doing so far?” Hutch glared at Starsky, not saying a word. “And then about six o’clock you crawl back into bed and pretend that you’ve spent a peaceful night.”

“Back off, Starsky! Leave me alone.” Hutch’s tone was filled with cold anger. Starsky reached his hand toward Hutch, but Hutch wanted only to get away from Starsky. “Please, Starsk…just leave me alone.”

“Can’t do that, buddy. You need help. Why are you always pulling away from me? Are you blaming me? I know I should never have left you alone that day. Believe me…I blame myself enough for that.” Starsky wanted so much to reach out to Hutch, to pull him close, but just looking at Hutch he knew the gesture would not be welcomed.

“I’m sorry, Hutch, I never should have left you alone that day. Forgive me. Just let me help you.” Starsky paused briefly, hoping to hear some sort of reply from Hutch. “Hutch, do you blame me because Nicky was involved? I promise, even though he’s my brother, I’ll make sure he pays for what he did to you.”

Hutch turned imploring eyes back toward Starsky. “Don’t be stupid, Starsk. I don’t blame you for any of this. Just drop the whole thing, would you please? None of this would even matter now if…” Hutch turned his back and walked out of the room.

“If what?” Starsky followed Hutch determined not to let this drop without finding out what Hutch was talking about. “Hutch, if what?” Hutch had slumped down on the couch, his head in his hands. Starsky knelt in front of Hutch, “please tell me.”

“You won’t like it,” was the soft reply.

“It doesn’t matter, just please, tell me,” Starsky implored the blond. “Talk to me.”

With his head still in his hands and his voice so low Starsky could barely hear him, Hutch replied, “If only you hadn’t come home when you did.”

“I don’t understand,” a puzzled Starsky shook his head. “What do you mean?”

Hutch lifted his head, staring at Starsky with tormented eyes. “Starsk, I had reached a point…I mean I was just waiting for…him to kill me. It would have all been over. Why did…you have to come home then?”

The stammered words of his friend stunned Starsky. He sat frozen, trying not to believe what he was hearing. “You wanted to die? Hutch?” Starsky knew his voice was trembling. He just wasn’t sure if it was from anger or fear. Fear that Hutch still might want to die. He moved up and sat next to his friend. Putting his arm around Hutch, he pulled him close. “Please tell me you don’t feel like that anymore.”

Hutch was now quietly sobbing, his breathing ragged, “I don’t know…I don’t know, Starsky.” The sobbing intensified, as Hutch brought up his good arm and held tightly to his best friend. Starsky soothingly ran his hand down Hutch’s back repeatedly, attempting to calm his friend. After several minutes of soft reassuring words and close physical contact, Hutch’s sobs eased.

“Starsk…I’m so scared. I can’t get Jake and what he did to me out of my mind. Every time I close my eyes, it’s happening all over again.” The anguish in the soft voice caused tears to form in Starsky’s eyes. He had never been able to handle seeing Hutch in pain. But this was even worse. Worse, because he couldn’t just hand Hutch a pill that would take away this kind of pain. There was no great medical cure for this kind of suffering. He struggled to find some words of comfort, but the words eluded him. All he could do was pull Hutch tighter in his arms and do his best to make him feel safe. They sat with arms wrapped around each other, Hutch’s ragged breathing gradually evening out. Starsky, realizing that Hutch had fallen into a somewhat peaceful sleep, eased his partner down onto the couch and, pulling a blanket from the back of the couch, carefully covered his sleeping partner.

Settling into a chair next to the couch, Starsky studied the sleeping form. He wondered if he would’ve been looking forward to death if he’d been in Hutch’s place. No matter how hard he tried to put himself in Hutch’s place, no matter how hard he tried to imagine what it must have been like, he knew the horror of it all was worse than he could ever imagine. And maybe, just maybe, he would be feeling the way Hutch was feeling. Hell, no maybe about it. Starsky knew he wouldn’t be handling this any better than Hutch. Somehow Hutch would know what to do for me. Why don’t I know what to do for him?

Leaving Hutch on the couch getting some much needed sleep, Starsky returned to the kitchen. Clearing away the few breakfast dishes took only a few minutes, then Starsky began making a shopping list. Huggy would be calling soon. Huggy had been doing their shopping and running any errands that needed to be done. Starsky had only left Hutch once since the attack, then leaving him in Edith Dobey’s care. Hutch had slept the whole time Starsky had been gone, and wouldn’t even have known Starsky had left if Starsky hadn’t told him later. Hutch didn’t feel comfortable around the Dobeys or Huggy, and Starsky felt badly about that. He realized Hutch felt uncomfortable because he knew they knew what had happened to him. But Starsky at the time had had no choice but to tell them.

It was time to try and get things back on track. How could Hutch get back to normal if they didn’t start living normally? Staying in all the time and having someone run their errands for them was not normal. Starting now, they were going to change all that. Picking up the phone, Starsky made a quick call to Huggy and explained that they would be doing their own shopping from now on.

“Starsk…I’m sorry.”

Starsky turned around to find Hutch standing forlornly in the doorway. “Sorry for what?” Starsky asked.

“How about for being a pain in the ass? I know I haven’t been the easiest person to get alone with lately. I don’t mean to be so difficult.”

Starsky could see the pain in the blue eyes and hear it in the wavering voice. “I know that Hutch. Things will get better.” Starsky squeezed Hutch’s shoulder, trying to reassure him.

Hutch reached up and squeezed Starsky’s hand in return. “I promise I’ll try harder. Don’t give up on me yet.” His eyes were pleading.

“You know I’d never give up on you.” Starsky smiled and received a strained smile from Hutch in return. “Hey, buddy, if you really meant what you said about trying harder, what do you say we get out of here for a while? We could use a few groceries, maybe stop somewhere for lunch.”

Starsky could see the uncertainty in Hutch’s eyes, but Hutch put on a brave front, “Sure, why not?”

 

Part Four

Forty-five minutes later, they were on their way out the door. They had decided they would do the grocery shopping first, bring the groceries home, and then go back out and have lunch. Starsky thought Hutch actually seemed to enjoy the shopping trip–even placing a few things in the shopping cart himself. Starsky hoped that was a sign that maybe he might start eating more. Upon arriving home, Starsky put the groceries away, while Hutch rested on the couch. Starsky could see that the trip had been tiring for Hutch. Starsky had even suggested that maybe Hutch would rather forget about having lunch out today and rest, but Hutch had given him an emphatic “No!”

A few minutes later they were back in the Torino, the sun streaming through the windshield, heading for one of Hutch’s favorite restaurants. Glancing over at Hutch, Starsky thought he looked more relaxed and seemed to be enjoying himself. “Pretty good idea I had, huh?”

Hutch turned and smiled, “Yeah, I have to admit that this is one of your better ideas. Feels good to be out again.”

Hutch noticed a park up ahead on their left. Motioning toward it, he asked, “Mind stopping for a few minutes?”

Starsky grinned, “I don’t think you’re quite up to jogging yet.”

“No, but a short walk sure sounds good,” Hutch replied. “The sun feels really nice.”

Starsky parked the car, “A walk it is then, partner.” They walked in silence for a few minutes.

Finally, Hutch spoke. “This is nice. I’m glad we came out today. And I think once this cast is off, I’m gonna get back into my morning run.” Starsky suddenly felt that maybe everything was going to be okay. This sounded a lot more like his Hutch.

“Sounds good, but I think we should get going to lunch. You don’t need to overdo it and I’m starving!”

Hutch laughed. “Okay, let’s get going. I sure wouldn’t want to be the cause of you dying of starvation.” As they headed back to the car, Starsky couldn’t get it out of his mind how good it had sounded to hear Hutch laugh.

The good food was enjoyed by both of them. During lunch, the conversation had been light but lively. Nothing too serious was discussed, but at one point Hutch did inquire about some of the cases they had been working on before the attack. All their cases had now been turned over to other detectives.

After the waitress brought their bill, Hutch excused himself to use the restroom before they left for home. Starsky watched as Hutch walked off toward the back of the room. It had been a good afternoon. Things were looking up, that was for sure. Starsky sat and watched the comings and goings of the other restaurant patrons.

As Hutch stood at the sink washing his hands, he heard someone enter the restroom. Glancing in the mirror, his stomach lurched. Behind him stood a large man…a large man that looked like Jake. It couldn’t be. No, Jake was dead. Hutch could feel himself breaking out in a cold sweat. The man who looked like Jake stood for a second longer adjusting his tie, then moved closer for a look in the mirror. As the man got closer, Hutch could feel the panic setting in. Then the man turned and went out the door. Hutch stood frozen, struggling to catch his breath. His hands grabbed the sink, holding on tightly, afraid that his knees would give out on him.

* * *

What was taking Hutch so long? He glanced at his watch. Hutch must have been gone for at least fifteen minutes. Starting to get just a bit nervous, Starsky anxiously watched the back of the room, but no sign of Hutch. Not being able to stand it any longer, Starsky headed toward the restrooms. Maybe Hutch was sick or something. Starsky knew he was being silly, but he just had to make sure Hutch was okay.

Starsky, seeing Hutch at the sink, felt an immense sense of relief. But the feeling was short-lived when he looked into the mirror. The sight of Hutch’s panic-stricken face told him that something was very wrong.

“Hutch, are you okay?” Starsky reached out and touched the sweat-dampened face. “You feeling okay? You don’t look so good.” Starsky took in the sight of the hands tightly clenched onto the sink.

Hutch turned to face Starsky, “I’ll be okay. Just give me a minute.” Hutch’s voice was shaky, but Starsky could tell that Hutch was trying to pull himself together. Hutch splashed some cold water on his face and then turned to Starsky, “just get me out of here.” Starsky nodded and, with his hand lightly supporting Hutch, they left the men’s room.

Several minutes later, Hutch was settled in the Torino and they were headed home. “You sure you’re okay, Hutch?” Hutch still appeared to be quite shaken.

Hutch took a deep breath, “Yeah, really, Starsky, I’m okay. I just got a little scared back there.”

“Scared? What happened?”

Hutch gave a soft laugh, “Nothing happened, absolutely nothing. It was stupid. A guy was in there…he looked like Jake…well, at least to me he looked like Jake. Stupid, huh? Scared the hell out of me, though.”

“Not at all stupid, Hutch, not after what you’ve been through.” Starsky leaned over and patted Hutch’s leg. “It’ll just take time. It was still a good day, don’t you think?”

Hutch smiled, “Yeah, it was a good day, thanks.” Hutch leaned back against the seat and closed his eyes.

“Wore you out, huh?” Starsky asked. He smiled as he realized Hutch had already fallen asleep. No matter what, it had been a good day.

As exhausted as Hutch was from the day’s activities, sleep was something that still eluded him most of the night. After tossing and turning for several hours, Hutch got out of bed and wandered out to sit alone in the dark living room. Several minutes later, Starsky silently walked through to the kitchen, returning to sit next to Hutch. In his hand was a glass of water and several pills. He held them out to Hutch.

“Here, take these.” Hutch opened his mouth to protest, but Starsky wasn’t about to listen to any excuses. “Take them. You need the sleep. I know you don’t like taking them, but do it anyway.” Hutch took the pills Starsky held in his outstretched hand, and swallowed them. Starsky took the glass back to the kitchen and when he returned to the living room, he reached down and pulled Hutch to his feet. Without saying a word, he led Hutch back to the bedroom.

Once they were both settled in the bed, Starsky pulled Hutch tight against him. “Now, just relax and let yourself go to sleep. I’m right here and nothing is going to happen to you. I promise.” Hutch snuggled even closer, and soon Starsky could tell by the soft, even breathing that he was sound asleep. Only then did Starsky drop off to sleep, his arm draped across Hutch, holding him close.

* * *

Starsky paced around the hospital waiting room. The time had finally arrived for Hutch to get his cast off. A celebration would be in order. During the last few weeks, Hutch had shown quite an improvement. They had been going out more, although Hutch still didn’t feel much like socializing with others yet. They had taken in a few movies and spent time just walking in the park. There were nights that Hutch still had problems sleeping. On those nights, Starsky would make his trip out to the kitchen for water and the sleeping pills. Then once settled back in bed, he would pull Hutch tightly to him and assure him that he was safe.

There had been no word about Nick. His mother had had a phone call from him, but he had given no indication where he was. He had just wanted to assure her that he was fine. Starsky still had not gotten up the courage to tell his mom about the trouble Nick was in or what he had done to Hutch. There would be time for that later, when Nick was found. Starsky knew that as long as Nick was on the loose, he didn’t want Hutch out of his sight for any length of time. It had taken a long while for Starsky to finally accept the fact that there was something terribly wrong with his brother. He knew Hutch would never lie about something like this. Now all he could hope was that maybe it wouldn’t be too late for Nick to get some help.

“Hey, you ready?” Starsky looked up to see Hutch standing there grinning at him. Starsky grinned back.

“Ready when you are. How’s the arm feel?”

Hutch slowly flexed his arm, “A little stiff, but good. Can’t wait to stand under the shower without having to worry about the cast getting wet.”

“Well, what we are waiting for then? Let’s go.” Starsky was on his feet and heading for exit door.

While Hutch took that much-anticipated shower, Starsky fixed lunch for them. Starsky had just finished preparing lunch when Hutch entered the kitchen. “Hey, just in time. Hope you’re hungry,” Starsky said. Hutch slid into a chair, as Starsky put a plate in front of him.

“Looks good, actually looks edible.”

“You’re real funny, Hutch” Starsky grumbled. Once they settled down to eat, Hutch listened in amazement to the incessant chatter that Starsky kept up all through lunch. With a childlike grin on his face, Starsky prattled on about all the things they were going to do now that Hutch had gotten his cast off. Hutch gave an occasional nod, but otherwise remained silent. Starsky didn’t seem bothered at all that the conversation was pretty one-sided. Hutch, picking up his dirty dishes, got up to take them to the sink. “…and we’re going to start tonight, Hutch.”

“Start what, Starsk?”

Starsky’s grin got even wider, “Getting our social life back on track, that’s what.”

Hutch turned to look at Starsky with a look of disbelief on his face. “Starsky…just because I got the cast off my arm doesn’t mean I’m ready to jump back into a social life. I’m not ready yet, I need more time.”

Now it was Starsky’s turn to stare in disbelief. “Hutch, I just mean it’s time to get back to dating, having some fun. Nothing serious.”

Hutch shook his head, “I don’t believe this. You can’t seriously think that I’m ready for even that yet. Look, Starsk…I agree you should get your social life back on track. But, buddy, I’m not ready yet.”

Starsky wasn’t ready to give up, “Hutch, all I want is for us to go to some club and have a couple of drinks. Is that so bad?”

Hutch had heard all he wanted to hear about his social life. “Just drop it, Starsk. I said I’m not interested!” Hutch headed toward the living room.

Starsky followed quickly behind him. “Hutch, can’t we talk about this?” Now Hutch was heading in the direction of the bedroom. “Hutch, would you stand still and talk?” Starsky, still following behind Hutch, now found his partner tossing his clothes into a suitcase. “Hutch…what are you doing? Hutch, you can’t leave.” Starsky was really getting worried. Hutch couldn’t leave like this, especially with Nick still out there somewhere. But Hutch wouldn’t listen, and continued to pack his stuff. He had collected his things from the bathroom and was now slamming the suitcase shut.

Hutch picked up the suitcase and left the bedroom. Setting the suitcase by the door, he walked over to the phone.

“Hutch, what are you doing?”

“I’m calling a cab; it’s time for me to go home.”

Starsky reached toward his friend, “No, Hutch, not yet, and not like this.”

Hutch looked up and into the pain-filled eyes of his best friend. “Please, Starsk, just let me go. I need to be alone for a while. I have a lot to work out, and you need to get back to your life. I’m sure Dobey’s starting to have fits because you’re not back to work yet.” Hutch was pacing now. He didn’t want to hurt his best friend, but he had to try and work some of this out on his own. Turning back to face Starsky again, he said, “Your social life could use some improvement, too. I mean…I’m sure you would rather be cuddling up to a nice soft female body at night instead of your partner.”

Starsky stared at Hutch in disbelief, “Is that what this is all about? You think I want you out of here…so that I can…? I can’t believe this. Hutch, I don’t want you to leave!” Starsky reached out and took hold of Hutch’s arm and led him over to the couch. “Sit down.” Hutch sat down but kept his head down, not wanting to look into his partner’s eyes. Starsky kneeling, in front of his friend, took hold of Hutch’s hands, “Hey, look at me. Did I ever say that I wanted you to leave?”

Hutch ran his fingers through his longer than usual hair and sighed deeply. “No. I just got to thinking about how much you must miss going out, that’s all. You seemed real anxious for us to….”

Starsky quickly interrupted Hutch, “Hey, I was wrong to rush you into going out.”

Hutch’s eyes met Starsky’s. “No, I overreacted. I guess I panicked a little at the thought of a social life again. It scares the hell out me, actually. I feel like everyone I run into knows…knows what happened to me.”

Starsky squeezed Hutch’s hands, “Nobody can tell by looking at you, Hutch. And anyway, it’s not like anyone would think differently about you because of it.”

Hutch’s troubled eyes stared intently into the concerned eyes of his friend. “Starsk…you know yourself how some people look at female rape victims. They blame them, they think they were asking for it. People are gonna look at me and wonder why I wasn’t able to prevent this from happening to me. I’m a cop, Starsky…I should have been able to stop this from happening.”

“Hutch,” Starsky’s voice was soft. “There was nothing you could do. Remember the condition you were in? You had a broken arm, a bullet wound in your shoulder, not to mention the broken ribs and the drugs in your system. And from the looks of you afterwards, buddy, you did try to stop Jake.”

“But I gave up, I just quit fighting and let him do it,” Hutch said, his face showing all the mixed emotions and feelings that were running through him. “I quit!”

“Hutch, don’t talk like that.” Starsky rose to his feet, took a few steps, and then turned back to face his partner. “Don’t do this to yourself, Hutch. I’m thankful that you did quit fighting. If you hadn’t, I might not still have my partner and best friend. You’re alive and that’s all that matters. We’ve gotten through a lot of rough situations, and we will get through this one, too. Together!”

Hutch leaned back against the couch and closed his eyes. “I hope so, Starsky. I don’t know how much longer I can take feeling this way.” Starsky sat down next to Hutch on the couch.

“Hey, I’m not sure now is such a good time for you to be going back to your place. Are you really sure you’re ready to do this?”

Hutch gave a halfhearted chuckle. “No, Starsky, I’m not sure this is a good time. I’m not sure there ever will be a good time, but I can’t hide here forever. It would be too easy for me to stay here and let you take care of me, but that wouldn’t be much of a life for either of us, would it?”

Starsky, his face etched with concern, shook his head as he answered his friend. “Hutch, I’ve got to tell you that I’m against you leaving now, but if that’s what you think you have to do, I’m behind you on this. But please don’t try to do this on your own. I’m here for you, make sure you don’t back away from me. Let me help you.”

Hutch patted Starsky’s leg and said, “I’m counting on you to make sure I don’t back away from you. I do need you.”

“Well, I guess it’s settled then, but no cab. “I’ll deliver you right to your door myself.” Starsky tried hard to put a smile on his face, but he had so many doubts about Hutch leaving that it wasn’t easy. But for Hutch’s sake, he would go along with it.

* * *

“Well, here you are, partner, home sweet home.” Starsky smiled in Hutch’s direction.

Hutch stood and looked around him. “The place looks great.”

“Yeah, the captain and Edith came in after you were attacked and cleaned up the mess. And Edith has been coming by to dust and water your plants on a regular basis.”

“That’s really nice of her, I’ll have to call and thank her.” Hutch moved slowly around his apartment. It felt strange to be back home after being away for almost two months. Looking at the couch, he couldn’t help but remember being awakened by Nick and Jake. The thought sent a shiver through him.

Starsky immediately picked up on it. “You okay?”

“Yeah, sure. It’s just a little strange to be here, I guess.” Hutch walked toward the bedroom, still carrying the suitcase.

“How about I go and see if that heap you call a car will still start after sitting for so long?” Starsky asked.

“Probably a good idea, thanks, Starsk. Keys should be on the table.” Hutch heard the door close and knew that Starsky had gone to start his car. He set the suitcase down and sat slowly on the bed. Here or at Starsky’s, it didn’t matter, there would always be memories of Jake and Nick. After sitting for a few minutes, he got up and unpacked his suitcase.

Just as Hutch was finishing unpacking, Starsky came into the room laughing, “I am amazed that piece of…well, it actually started right up.”

Hutch turned and, with a grin on his face, replied, “I never doubted that it would start.”

“You about unpacked?” Starsky asked as Hutch shut the dresser drawer.

“All done.” Hutch started toward the door. “How about a beer? That’s probably all I have to offer you. Guess the first thing I’ll have to do is get the kitchen stocked up.”

Starsky nodded in agreement. “Yeah, make sure that you do. And make sure you eat, too.”

“Yes, Mother,” Hutch said, as they both headed toward the kitchen.

They sat quietly drinking their beers, each lost in his own thoughts. Starsky occasionally glanced in Hutch’s direction. He was still not comfortable with the idea of leaving Hutch here alone. He knew it had to happen sooner or later, but he wished that he could be sure Hutch was ready for it. He wished even more that he himself were ready for it.

They had been partners and friends long enough that Hutch felt as if he could read Starsky’s mind. He knew Starsky was worried about leaving him alone. He wanted to say something to convince Starsky he was going to be all right, but since he wasn’t even sure he had convinced himself, he didn’t think he could do it.

Once again, Starsky glanced in his friend’s direction, only this time he found himself looking directly into Hutch’s blue eyes.

Hutch blushed slightly to be caught staring at his partner. “Guess we’ve gotten a bit quiet, huh?” Hutch asked.

“Yeah, well I guess we both have a lot on our minds,” Starsky replied. “Think I’ll head over and see Dobey. No reason for me not to get back to work. What do you think?”

Hutch nodded. “Yeah.”

Starsky stood. He was still unsure if he was doing the right thing leaving Hutch here alone, but Hutch was a grown man. If this was what Hutch wanted, there really wasn’t much Starsky could do about it. “What should I tell Dobey about you coming back to work?”

“Oh, just tell him I’ll give him a call in a day or so.” Hutch was now on his feet and pacing. Starsky could tell the subject of going back to work was making his friend very nervous.

“You okay?”

“I’m fine, Starsk.” Hutch started toward the door. “You go talk to Dobey; really, I’m okay.”

Starsky paused as he opened the door. “Okay if I call you later?”

“Could I stop you?”

Starsky laughed. “No. Guess that was sort of a dumb question. Talk to you later then.” The door shut quietly, and Hutch was now alone.

* * *

Hours later, after Starsky returned home from his visit with Dobey, he found his apartment way too quiet. He turned the TV on, hoping to drown out some of the intense quiet Hutch seemed to have left behind. Starsky chuckled to himself softly. Heck, it wasn’t like Hutch had been the most talkative person to have around. Must have just been the fact that he had been here. And the fact that Starsky had felt very needed. Well, come Monday morning he would be back to work, that should help keep him occupied. He hoped it wouldn’t be too much longer before Hutch would feel the need to get back to work also.

* * *

Hutch was surprised to find that his first day back at home had passed rather quickly. He had kept busy the whole day. He now had a fully stocked kitchen, had gone through all his mail, had even called and talked to his parents. They, of course, knew only that he had been injured. Starsky had called and let them know that Hutch was staying with him until he recovered from his injuries. Hutch had spoken to them once during his stay at Starsky’s. Thankfully they hadn’t pressed for any details. They had been happy to hear from Hutch today and glad to hear he was recovered and back home. All in all, it had been a nice talk with his parents. He had even promised to come home for a visit in the near future.

Hutch sank down onto the couch as he opened a bottle of beer. Leaning back, he took a long swallow of beer. He closed his eyes, trying not to remember the events that had occurred the last time he had been in his apartment on this couch. He shook his head as if to shake loose the memories. He took another deep swallow of beer. Looking around the room, the thought crossed his mind about how good it felt to be back home. Maybe things could go back to the way they used to be, after all. So Starsky’s brother held some kind of grudge against him, so Starsky’s brother happened to have a perverted friend…who was now dead…and who had…Hutch couldn’t even think the word. Dead because I killed him, I shot him. I shot him and I’m not one bit sorry. Should I be? After what he did to me? Hutch set the now empty beer bottle on the table next to the couch. How the hell can things go back to normal after all that has happened. Who am I kidding?

Hutch was now slowly pacing around his living room. He knew deep down inside that he couldn’t hide from this, he couldn’t give up. If I let this destroy me, Starsky will be destroyed, too. I have to get myself back on track. I have to keep going for Starsky’s sake.

Hutch slowed his pacing, and finally eased himself back onto the couch. He needed a plan, something to focus on. First things first. Tomorrow morning he would start running again, he would have to eat more, gain back the weight he had lost in the last several months. Work…that might be a tough one. He took a deep breath. Guess I’ll just have to think about getting some kind of help. Monday morning, first thing, I’ll look into finding a therapist. As much as he hated the thought of having to sit there and reveal his innermost thoughts and fears to some stranger, he didn’t see that he had much choice. Somehow he had to work through all the anger and fear he felt.

* * *

Starsky, not being able to stand the silence in the apartment any longer, headed out to wash his beloved Torino. The Torino had been somewhat neglected, while Hutch had been his first priority. Actually, Hutch was still his first priority, but Hutch had made it clear that he was determined to go it alone now. Starsky knew he couldn’t blame Hutch. It had been Starsky’s idea in the first place. Of course, Starsky hadn’t felt that in order to get things back on track Hutch had to immediately move back home. Starsky knew he should be happy that Hutch was no longer fighting the idea, but he still worried about him being alone. Not that he didn’t think Hutch could take care of himself, but what if he had a nightmare? What if he was scared and couldn’t sleep? Starsky hated the thought of Hutch being alone and scared.

Once the task of washing the Torino was completed, Starsky decided it needed a good wax job, too. Several hours later, Starsky stood back and admired his hard work. The red Torino was spotless and had a shine that would nearly blind a person. Realizing that all his hard work had given him an appetite, he decided that food was the next order of business.

Sandwich in hand, Starsky sank down on the couch, flipped on the TV, and settled back. Soon he was engrossed in an old movie. Finishing his sandwich, he removed his shoes, made himself comfortable, and settled in to finish watching the movie. A half-hour later, he was jolted by the ringing of the phone. Hutch? He grabbed for the phone.

Starsky realized immediately, that it was not his partner on the phone. Instead, it was the soft voice of a female.

“Hi, Dave. Hope you haven’t forgotten me.” Recognizing the voice as that of a young woman he had been dating on and off before Hutch had been hurt, Starsky chuckled softly.

“Stacey, sure I remember you. How’ve you been? It’s great hearing from you.”

“I’m good, Dave. I was wondering how Ken’s doing?

“Well, he was well enough to move back home. It will be a while before he’s back at work, but he’s coming along. It’s been a long time.” Starsky felt himself starting to relax. It felt good to be carrying on a conversation with a female.

“Yes, it has been a while. I’m really glad to hear that Hutch is recovering. Any chance you might be free for dinner for tomorrow?”

“Dinner sounds great,” Starsky said. Suddenly his spirits had lifted.

“Good, are you up to one of my home-cooked meals?” Stacey asked. I thought maybe just a quiet evening in. Does that sound okay to you?”

“Perfect.”

“Seven o’clock?”

“Great!” Starsky said. He was really looking forward to seeing Stacey again.

Starsky realized he probably had the biggest smile plastered on his face when he hung up the phone. But he couldn’t help how good he was feeling. He thought about calling Hutch and telling him about his plans, but maybe that wasn’t such a good idea. Starsky didn’t want Hutch to feel left out, and he certainly didn’t want to make him feel pressured to start dating again himself. Maybe he would just wait and tell him about it later.

It felt really strange not to have Hutch here watching TV with him. He wondered what Hutch was doing. God, what if he has nightmares and he’s all alone there? Suddenly, Starsky began to have some real doubts about Hutch going home. Not that there had been much he could do about it. Hutch had made up his mind. Reaching for the phone, Starsky dialed Hutch’s number. He just needed to hear his voice, so he could be sure he was all right.

* * *

The ringing of the phone startled Hutch, as he sat reading on the couch. Memories of the phone calls he had received before flooded over him. He sat staring at the phone, half afraid to answer it. You’re being crazy, he told himself. Nick wouldn’t be stupid enough to call here again. Would he?

The phone had now rung four times while he sat there staring at it. Finally, he braced himself and reached for the phone.

“Hello.” Hutch knew his voice had a slight quiver in it.

“Hutch? Hutch, you okay?”

“Starsky?”

“Yeah, it’s me. Are you okay? You sound like something’s wrong. What took you so long to answer the phone?” Starsky couldn’t keep the concern out of his voice. “Hutch?”

“I’m all right. Guess the phone just startled me.” Hutch found himself struggling to regain some sort of composure. Damn it. I can’t believe the phone ringing rattled me like that. Pull yourself together or you’ll have Starsky camped out on your couch your first night home.

“Hutch, you want to me to come over?” He couldn’t shake the feeling that Hutch wasn’t telling him the truth. That maybe something was wrong. But, at the same time, he didn’t want to be too pushy. He knew Hutch needed some time alone.

“I’m okay,” Hutch said. He felt better now, just hearing Starsky’s voice. “It’s not necessary that you come over. I’m just going to try and get some sleep.

“That sounds like a good idea. But if you need anything, you call,” Starsky replied.

“I will. Good night, Starsk.”

“Night.”

Hutch slowly hung up the phone. He was almost tempted to leave it off the hook, but he knew if Starsky called and couldn’t get hold of him, he would worry. Somehow, he couldn’t bring himself to get up and get ready for bed. Part of him was almost afraid to go to sleep. Even though he had been sleeping better lately, there were still nights that he was haunted by nightmares. Nights that he lived the whole ugly scene over and over. It always seemed so real, like it was happening all over again. But now he wouldn’t have Starsky to help him through it.

Forcing himself, he got to his feet and headed toward the bathroom. Once he was ready for bed, he found himself staring at the bottle of sleeping pills that sat on his nightstand. No, I don’t need them. He sat on the edge of the bed for a moment, then stood and pulled back the covers. Just go to bed, Hutchinson. Turning off the light, Hutch slid under the covers. Within seconds, he sat up and turned on the bedside lamp. Great, a grown man who needs to sleep with the light on. Despite his apprehension, it wasn’t long before Hutch fell asleep. The day’s activities had taken their toll.

* * *

It turned out to be Starsky who had even more trouble sleeping. He tossed and turned, his thoughts focused only on how Hutch might be doing. Hutch is a grown man. He’s gonna be okay. Quit your worrying. He didn’t sound good on the phone. It was hours later before Starsky managed to fall asleep.

* * *

Hutch was surprised to find that not only had he slept through the entire night, but he had slept through half of the morning as well. He felt well rested for a change. Just as he was getting out of the shower, the ringing of the phone interrupted the quiet of the apartment. A feeling of panic welled up in him. He stood, paralyzed with fear, water dripping from his hair. Taking a deep breath, he grabbed a towel and began drying his hair. By the time the incessant ringing had stopped, he had managed to pull himself together.

Once dressed, he knew he had to call Starsky. It had most likely been his partner who was responsible for the phone ringing. If he didn’t call Starsky, it would only be a matter of time before he found Starsky on his doorstep. Starsky picked up the phone on the first ring, as if he had been standing right next to the phone. Hutch couldn’t help but grin, realizing that Starsky had most likely been standing there glaring at the phone after his unsuccessful attempt to reach him.

“Morning, Starsk,” Hutch greeted his partner cheerfully.

“Hutch…where were you?” Starsky’s voice trembled slightly with relief.

“I was just getting out of the shower. Relax, I can take care of myself.”

“Sorry, guess it’s gonna take me a while to get used to you being back home.”

Hutch laughed softly, “That’s okay. It’s gonna take me a while to get used to it, too…and the phone scaring the hell out of me.”

Starsky’s voice became soft and gentle, “I thought it might be something like that. Hey, if you don’t want to answer the phone, don’t. Just call me afterwards to make sure it wasn’t me. You know, while you’re freaking out over the phone ringing, I’m gonna be on this end freaking because you don’t answer.”

“Thanks, Starsk.” Hutch struggled to swallow the lump that had suddenly appeared in his throat. Changing the subject, Hutch asked, “So, have you made any plans for your last weekend before you go back to work?”

“I haven’t made any plans other than having dinner tonight with Stacey.”

Hutch could hear the anticipation and excitement in his partner’s voice. “That’s great, Starsk.”

“What are you going to do this weekend?”

“Not too much. But I thought I might start running again.”

“That’s great, Hutch. What do you say I check with Stacey and see if she has a friend….”

Hutch cut him off before he could say more. “No, Starsk. Not yet.”

“Okay. Sorry, I’m not trying to push you. What about a movie this weekend?”

“Just the two of us?” Hutch asked, making sure Starsky wasn’t still thinking of an evening with Stacey and a friend.

“Just the two of us. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Sounds good, Starsk. Say hi to Stacey for me, and you two have a great evening.”

Starsky laughed, “I plan on having a great evening.” In a more serious tone, he added, “Hutch…if you need anything, you’ll call right?” He felt a little guilty thinking about Hutch being all alone while he spent the evening with Stacey.

“Starsk, really I’ll be okay. Have fun and please don’t even worry about me. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“All right, buddy. Talk to you tomorrow.” Starsky hung up the phone. Things were definitely looking better. Hutch seemed to be making good progress, and he had dinner with Stacey to look forward to.

* * *

The evening with Stacey was even better then he anticipated. Stacey was really good company and the conversation flowed easily. But, as much as he was enjoying Stacey’s company, thoughts of Hutch kept intruding. What was Hutch doing? Was he okay?

After dinner, they had settled on the sofa to watch an old Humphrey Bogart movie. As big a Bogart fan as Starsky was, his attention kept wandering away from the movie to the woman who was snuggled against him. Stacey, also unable to keep her mind on the movie, looked up into Starsky’s face. The look on her face was one of intense longing. As her eyes met his, Starsky’s large hand took her chin and, holding it gently, he leaned down and kissed the tip of her nose. Then he showered her face with soft gentle kisses as he made his way to her waiting mouth.

Her lips felt warm and sweet on his. He moaned deep in his throat as he forced her lips open with his thrusting tongue. She responded pressing her body urgently against his. His hands began exploring the soft lines of her body, moving caressingly down her back, her waist, and her hips. Her body began arching instinctively toward him, as he slowly lowered her down on the sofa. His body moved to partially cover hers. She felt his hardness as he lowered himself onto her. Starsky found himself fighting to maintain control over the arousal that seemed to consume him. It’s been so long…it’s been a long time for Hutch, too. It’s not right…I shouldn’t be feeling so much pleasure…while Hutch…. No, Hutch wouldn’t want me to…. Stacey’s lips had begun making a path down his neck, quickly taking his mind off Hutch.

Rolling them on to their sides, he fumbled with the buttons on her blouse. After what seemed an eternity, the buttons were undone and he slid the blouse off her shoulders and down her arms. Starsky was breathing heavily now. The thought crossed his mind that they should move to the bedroom, but he didn’t know if he could last that long.

“Damn, you feel so good,” he whispered as he reached behind her to remove her lacy bra. With that obstacle out of the way, he fondled one small globe, feeling the pink nipple harden beneath his fingers. Then his tongue softly caressed her sensitive and swollen nipples. First one, then the other. Starsky uttered a low, tormented groan. “I better slow down,” he said, his voice shaking.

“No,” Stacey whispered. She reached for the zipper on his jeans, pausing to gently fondle his straining erection. Unable to control the urge to thrust, he pushed hard against her hand. Giving him one more gentle caress, she slowly pulled the zipper down. Her arousal now matching his, she wasted no time pushing the tight denim jeans down, then the briefs.

“Oh, God,” Starsky groaned, as she took hold of his engorged shaft. He knew he wouldn’t be able to hold out much longer. He slid his hands under the skirt she wore. The skirt had now crept up to her thighs. Tugging at the waistband of the flimsy panties, he pulled them down and then eased them completely off. She gasped as his fingers slid into her hot moistness.

“Hurry,” she begged, as she slid his shirt off his shoulders, wanting to feel his bare chest against hers. Starsky quickly obliged as he turned her onto her back, lowering his body onto hers. “Now, Dave…please.” A loud moan escaped from her lips as he entered her. Together they found the tempo their bodies craved.

Starsky, out of control now, thrust harder and faster into her. Sweat ran down his face, and he knew he was only seconds away from the release he so desperately needed. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut, trying to rid himself once again of the image of Hutch. He struggled to get his mind focused back on the soft body underneath him. Stacey brought him back to the task at hand. “Dave…God, don’t stop now. I’m so close.” Feeling a bit guilty, he concentrated all his efforts on pleasing her. His mouth once again found her breasts, and he licked and sucked at her nipples just the way he knew drove her crazy. Stacey groaned loudly, and her body shuddered as it exploded in orgasm. Starsky grinned; he had always liked the fact that Stacey was very vocal. What about Hutch, was he vocal, too? Starsky found himself curious about what that cool blond partner of his was like when he was in bed with someone.

What the hell was he doing thinking about Hutch and wondering what he was like in bed at a time like this? Starsky gasped, brought back to reality, as Stacey’s hands took hold and gently but firmly fondled his balls. He was close…so close. “Man, that feels so good.” Starsky was pumping frantically. Feeling as if he were about to shatter into a millions pieces, Starsky’s body arched and then stilled as he came. “Oh, man, that was incredible.” He kissed her and rolled off her.

“I promise I’ll take it slower next time,” Starsky whispered softly in Stacey’s ear. “Guess you could tell it’s been a while for me, huh?”

Stacey snuggled up to him, smothering his face and neck with kisses. “You won’t hear any complaints from me. Why don’t we move into the bedroom? Starsky watched as her naked body moved across the room. He sighed deeply. With a great looking and willing bed partner like her, why did Hutch keep intruding into his thoughts?

“Hey, why don’t you just call him?” Stacey whispered into his ear, as he crawled into bed next to her. Starsky turned to look at her. Had it been so obvious where his mind had been?

“What?”

“I know you’re worried about Hutch. Why not give him a call?” Stacey’s eyes were full of concern. “I know how much you two mean to each other. But I have to admit I am being just a little selfish. I still have plans for us, and I want your mind totally on me.” She gave Starsky a wicked little grin as she ran her hands down his bare chest.

His hands roamed intimately over her body. “I promise you’ll have my complete attention.” His vow was sealed with a kiss. “I can wait until tomorrow to talk to Hutch. Now what about those plans of yours?”

* * *

Starsky was feeling pretty good the next day as he bounded up the steps to Hutch’s apartment. The night with Stacey had been just what he needed. He whistled cheerfully as he waited for Hutch to open the door.

The first thing Hutch noticed when he opened the door was the huge grin plastered on his friend’s face. He couldn’t help but grin in return. “I take it you had one heck of a good time last night?”

“Well, I’m not one to kiss and tell, but I think I had the best sex of my life last night. Actually, I had the best sex of my life several times last night.” Starsky’s grin widened even more.

Hutch just shook his head and laughed. “You’re disgusting. Are you going to just stand there all day, or you going to come in and disgust me some more with the details of your evening with Stacey?”

“There was nothing disgusting about last night.” Starsky moved into the apartment closing the door behind him. “You really need to try it yourself. It’ll make a new man out of you. Really, Hutch, how about Stacey fixing you up with a friend?” Starsky in all his enthusiasm missed the pained look that Hutch’s once grinning face had taken on. “Hutch…you just need to….”

“Starsk, please…I know you mean well. You just had a night of incredible sex and you’re feeling pretty good. But sex…well, it’s just not real important to me right now. What happened to me….” Hutch’s voice started wavering. “I just can’t forget what he did to me. It’s changed me, Starsk. I can’t stand the thought of anyone touching me like that.” Hutch turned as if looking for a means of escape. “I’m sorry, Starsk…” Hutch’s voice trailed off and he turned away.

“Hutch, it’s okay. God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to push you like that.” Starsky couldn’t believe how insensitive he had been. Hutch stood silent and unmoving. Starsky hesitated, wanting desperately to reach out to his distraught friend, but unsure just how welcome his touch would be. Unable to stand there and do nothing, he stepped behind his partner. Reaching out, he wrapped his arms around Hutch, pulling him closer as he hugged him. Afraid that his partner would pull away, he was relieved when Hutch’s body relaxed and he seemed to welcome the contact.

“Forgive me?” Starsky half whispered the words.

“Nothing to forgive,” Hutch replied, as he reached for Starsky’s hand, giving it a tight squeeze. “I know you only want to see me get my life back on track. I’m sorry I can’t seem to get it together faster.”

Starsky felt Hutch’s body relax even more as he sagged into Starsky’s arms. Keeping a tight hold on his friend, Starsky moved them toward the couch.

“Let’s sit down.” Starsky maneuvered them onto the couch, as he searched for the right words to let Hutch know he was proud of how far he had come after what he had been through. Afraid his insensitive remark may have hurt Hutch and caused some setback for him, he knew he had to say just the right thing.

They sat on the couch, Starsky still holding Hutch tightly. Hearing Hutch take a deep breath, Starsky found himself holding his own breath, as he waited for the words he knew Hutch was getting ready to say. He couldn’t shake the idea that maybe….

“I’m sorry, Starsk. I’m trying. Really I am. I’m sorry I’ve disappointed you.”

“Hutch, you’ve never disappointed me. I know how hard you’re trying, and you’ve made a lot of progress, too. I’m proud of you.” Starsky kept up an endless flow of words, hoping he would cover everything…say everything that Hutch needed to hear. “I think we both have to remember that some things just take a little more time. I shouldn’t try to push you. You’ll know when you’re ready.”

“Sometimes I wonder just how much time it’s going to take.” Hutch’s tone held a tinge of bitterness. “I’m not always so sure I’ll make it back….” His voice trailed off.

“Hutch, you’re one of the strongest people I know. My God…you survived the horror Forest and his goons put you through. You…you almost sound like you’re giving up.” Starsky changed position so he could look directly at Hutch’s face. “Tell me you’re not giving up.”

Hutch winced at the mention of Forest. He would never forget how his life had been shattered by his forced heroin addiction. But it wasn’t because he was strong that he survived.

“No, I’m not giving up. I’m just saying there are times that I wonder if I will ever be the person I used to be.” Hutch leaned his head back against the couch, “I’m not really all that strong. I only survived what Forest did to me because you were strong enough for both of us.” He shuddered to think about what would have happened to him if Starsky hadn’t been there.

“I don’t believe that for a minute,” Starsky said, watching Hutch’s face closely. “But I am still here for you.”

Hutch opened his eyes and found himself looking into the deep blue, very concerned eyes of his best friend. “I know that. You’ve always been there for me.”

“Always will be, too.” Starsky attempted a feeble grin.

Hutch felt tears forming in his eyes as he attempted to return the grin. “God, Starsk, I really do need you…but I also need to find some of that strength you seem to think I have.” The tears fell as he was pulled back into the safety and comfort of Starsky’s arms.

“Hey, partner, any time you need me, you call. And if I’m being a mother hen, you just gotta tell me to get lost. Whatever you need.” Starsky ran his hands slowly up and down the blond’s back, as he listened to Hutch’s slightly ragged breathing and waited for the tears to subside. He didn’t have to wait long.

“Starsk…I do miss it. Not the sex so much as just being close to someone. Don’t take this the wrong way, buddy, but just having your arms around me feels really good. Guess that sounds kind of strange, huh?”

“Nah, it’s not strange; it’s just the way we are.” Starsky tightened his hold, happy to know that he could give Hutch some comfort and make him feel good.

“Starsk, a lot of people would say that we are strange.”

Starsky could hear the slight chuckle in Hutch’s voice. “Well, I don’t think we are. Sometimes I think it’s everyone else that’s strange.”

“You would,” Hutch laughed.

“What do you say we pull ourselves together and go get a burger and maybe catch a movie?” Starsky asked, relieved that they seemed to have survived his insensitive remarks.

Hutch, somewhat reluctantly, moved from the comfort of Starsky’s arms. “What about Stacey? Don’t you have plans with her today?”

“Nope, I’m all yours. Thought we could do something together today, since Monday I go back to work. Won’t have as much time then,” Starsky gave Hutch a grin. “But don’t worry, I do have plans with Stacey tomorrow.”

“I’m sure you do.” Hutch smiled as he got to his feet. “So where’re we going for this burger? Huggy’s?”

“Sounds good to me.” Starsky was surprised but happy Hutch had mentioned going to Huggy’s. He knew Hutch hadn’t felt too comfortable around Huggy or Dobey recently. It bothered him that they knew what had happened to him, and he had been avoiding seeing them as much as possible. Yep, Hutch was trying.

Pulling to a halt in front of Huggy’s, Starsky turned to his partner. “You ready for one of Huggy’s special burgers?” Starsky found his friend looking nervously in the direction of the Pits. “Hutch, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I was just wondering…does anyone besides Huggy and Dobey know?”

Starsky didn’t have to ask know what; he knew what was on Hutch’s mind. “No, only Dobey and Huggy. You know they wouldn’t think of telling anyone else. Hutch, I wouldn’t have told them if I hadn’t needed their help.”

“I know that. Okay, let’s go.”

* * *

Once inside, Hutch seemed to relax, and he joked back and forth with one very happy Huggy. Huggy had been thrilled to see the both of them. They were quickly settled at a table, and Huggy hustled off to get their food. Seconds later, Diane arrived at the table with a couple of beers. She gave Hutch a huge smile. Huggy’s best waitress had always had a soft spot for the blond member of the partnership.

“It’s good to see you, Hutch.”

“Thanks, it’s good to see you, too.” Hutch gave her a somewhat nervous smile.

Starsky couldn’t help notice that Hutch looked almost terrified of Diane. With some relief, Starsky watched as Diane walked away. The thought had crossed his mind that if Diane had made a move to touch or hug Hutch, he most likely would have bolted right out the front door.

Once the food arrived, Hutch relaxed and lost the terrified look. He even seemed to enjoy his burger. Sliding his now empty plate away, Hutch looked at his partner.

“Starsk…I sort of feel like I’m letting you down.”

Starsky, now on his second burger, looked up with a puzzled expression on his face. “What are you talking about?”

“You’re going back to work on Monday. I’m your partner; I should be with you.”

“Hutch, don’t worry about it. You’ll be back soon.”

Hutch’s face clearly showed that he still had doubts about Starsky going back to work without him. “It’s not right. We’ve always been able to count on each other.”

“Yeah, and I’m counting on you getting back to work real soon. I’m also counting on you to quit worrying about letting me down. You never have and you never will. You’ve got enough to deal with without worrying about me. Understood?”

“Understood.”

“Good, now I’m going to the little boys’ room. How about ordering me another beer when Diane comes by again?”

“You got it.” Hutch watched with a smile on his face, as Starsky made his way toward the men’s room. Thank God for Starsky.

After ordering the beers, Hutch headed over to the jukebox. As he stood making his selections, he heard a soft voice ask, “Do you come here often?” He turned to find himself face-to-face with one very attractive looking young woman.

She gave him a dazzling smile, “Did that sound too much like a pick-up line?”

Hutch found himself intrigued by the young woman. Starsky’s words echoed in his mind as he stared at the shapely young thing that stood before him. You really need to try it yourself. It’ll make a new man out of you. Hutch swallowed hard. For the briefest second, the vision of him and the young woman, naked and making love, flashed into his mind. He even felt that familiar surge in his groin. Then another image appeared–this one of Jake. Hutch closed his eyes tightly, trying to rid himself of the image of Jake and the feel of Jake’s hands on his body. The surge he had felt in his groin had disappeared, and now all he felt was sick to his stomach. The feeling of nausea grew stronger. He had to get out of there, away from this woman. Without a word, he turned and bolted for the door.

Starsky, who had returned to their table, watched as his friend made his hurried exit. Throwing some money down on the table, Starsky ran after him.

Starsky’s eyes quickly scanned the parking lot. “Hutch. Hutch, where are you?”

Starsky moved toward the Torino. Glancing quickly toward the car, he could see that Hutch was not there. He stood surveying the parking lot. He knew Hutch couldn’t have gone far. A movement at the corner of the building caught his eye, and he saw the blond head of his partner. He was kneeling at the corner of the building. Starsky hurried toward him. As he approached, the sounds of retching and gagging could be heard. Hutch, with one hand on the building to keep himself upright, was on his knees in the dirt, vomiting. Kneeling beside his friend, he instinctively reached out to Hutch.

“Hutch, what’s wrong?”

“Don’t touch me. Please, just leave me alone.”

Starsky felt as if he had been slapped. Hutch now sagged weakly against the building. Starsky took in the anguished look on the pale face that was drenched in sweat. “Hutch, tell me what happened.

Hutch shook his head and then leaned over, as the heaving and gagging once again wracked his body.

“Hutch, please let me help.” Starsky couldn’t bear to stand by helplessly while Hutch suffered this way. This time, when he reached out for his partner, he was determined not to be stopped. Hutch flinched when Starsky took hold of him, but didn’t have the strength to argue. Supporting Hutch around his stomach with one hand, the other hand reached up to gently hold his forehead. The heaving finally stopped. Starsky fumbled through his pocket with one hand, looking for a handkerchief, keeping hold of Hutch with the other hand. Hutch’s breathing was heavy and his body trembled uncontrollably.

“Easy, Hutch. What happened?” Starsky wiped Hutch’s face with the handkerchief he had finally managed to pull out of his pocket.

Hutch looked around the parking lot, then back at Starsky. “I’m pathetic. Puking my guts out in a dirty parking lot. Some partner you have, huh?” Hutch’s face clearly showed the disgust he felt for himself.

“You’re not pathetic, and you’re the best partner a guy could have.” Starsky hated to see Hutch reduced to such a distressed and deplorable state. This wasn’t his Hutch.

“Starsk, get me out of here.” Hutch uttered the words in a defeated tone. “Please, just take me home.”

“Okay, buddy. You feel well enough to stand?” Starsky released his hold on Hutch long enough to get to his feet. Then with one hand on his friend’s waist and the other holding his arm, he pulled the still badly trembling body to its feet. “You okay?”

Hutch nodded, and they started the slow trip to the Torino. With Hutch settled in the passenger side, Starsky pulled slowly out of the parking lot. He found himself driving with one eye constantly on his partner. He would never admit it to Hutch, but pathetic was a fitting word for the way he looked. He watched as silent tears began to slowly slide down Hutch’s face. By the time they pulled up in front of Hutch’s apartment, the silent tears had turned into sobbing. Starsky felt his heart breaking into a million pieces, as he listened to the tortured crying of his best friend.

Getting Hutch from the car and upstairs was not an easy task, but after much effort on Starsky’s part, they made it. Easing Hutch down on the couch, Starsky went to the bathroom, returning with some cold wet towels. The sobbing had slowed to just an occasional tear sliding down the pale face. “Feelin’ better?” Starsky asked, as he wiped the tears and sweat from Hutch’s face.

“Nope. Don’t think I ever will feel better.” The same bitterness that had been in Hutch’s voice earlier that day had returned. But the bitterness now also had an added defeated sound to it.

“Things will get better. It just takes time.” Starsky tried to sound encouraging.

“Shut up.” Hutch was on his feet. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Hutch seethed with the mounting rage he had held inside for so long. “Time is not going to change a damn thing.”

“Hutch, calm down, buddy. I didn’t mean to make you mad.” Starsky couldn’t believe the anger that was evident in the blond’s eyes. Jekyll and Hyde came to mind as he watched Hutch. Quiet and crying one minute and now his features contorted with rage.

“Mad. You’re damn right I’m mad. You’d be mad too if some dirty pervert….” Hutch was so angry, he was choking on his own words. He glanced around the room, his eyes blazing. Making his way to the kitchen table, he sent everything that was on it hurling to the floor.

“Buddy, you’ve never seen me as mad as I am now. Damn it, Starsky, you don’t have a clue what it was like. Face it, partner, unless you have a magic wand, there is nothing you can do to help me. My life as I knew it is gone. Destroyed. No more making love to some pretty young stewardess. Kind of hard to make love when you’re busy puking your guts out.” Hutch pointed toward the door. “Get out, Starsky. Just get the hell out of here.”

“Hutch, can’t we talk this through?” Starsky’s heart was pounding, as he stood face-to-face with his angry partner.

“Talk? You wanna talk? Why? How is talking going to help? I spill my guts to you and you say what? What can you say to make things better? I don’t want to hear any more of your ‘it just takes time’ crap.” Hutch’s tone was full of contempt.

“Hutch, don’t do this. You’ve got to calm down.” Starsky’s voice broke. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do to make things better.

Hutch chuckled nastily. “Calm down, talk. What exactly do want from me? Fine, I’ll talk. What do you want to hear? You want to hear about me being terrified of a ringing phone? How about the nightmares? Maybe how powerless and helpless I felt while your brother’s friend, Jake, shoved his prick into me. Is that enough for you, or do you want to hear more? You want more? How about how I’m scared to death of intimacy, scared of just being touched by someone? How about how fucking depressed I am most of the time? And how tired I am of trying to pretend everything is okay so you’ll think I’m doing good. Or better yet, how about how I sit here and think about just blowing my brains out and completely escaping the pain I am in?”

“Shut up, Hutch.” Starsky’s voice shook with mixed emotions. How could he have not noticed all this anger in Hutch?

“What? You don’t want to hear the truth? You want to pretend everything is going to be okay.” Hutch whirled around shaking from the unleashed anger. “Isn’t that what we’ve both been doing, just pretending that everything’s okay? Well, surprise, partner, everything is not okay. Now get out of here and just leave me alone.”

Starsky stared in disbelief at his partner, the man he thought he knew. “Damn you, Hutchinson. How dare you stand there and talk about pretending everything is okay for my sake. I don’t need you to protect me. And damn you to hell for not telling me how bad things are. Blowing your brains out…my God.” Just saying those words out loud seemed to propel Starsky’s rage to the breaking point. Before he even realized what he was doing, his fist connected smack in the middle of Hutch’s face. “You want me out of here…I’m outta here.”

The blow sent Hutch reeling, he fell back against the coffee table and then onto the floor. He lay sprawled on the floor, blood flowing from his nose, as Starsky slammed the door behind him. Hutch groaned as the pain made itself known, but he made no effort to get up from the floor.

* * *

Starsky stood outside Hutch’s door, still shaking from the anger that had consumed him. As strong as the anger was, it was quickly replaced by fear. Fear of what was going to become of Hutch. Fear of what was going to become of their friendship. And then there was the shame. The shame of what he had just done. As if Hutch hadn’t been through enough, his best friend–the person he had always been able to count on–had just smashed his fist into his face and left him lying on the floor. Starsky turned and looked at the closed door. It was awfully quiet in there. He didn’t hear any sounds of Hutch moving around. Could he just leave without checking on Hutch? Hutch’s words came back to haunt him again. How about how I sit here and think about just blowing my brains out and completely escaping the pain I am in? Those words would always be seared into his brain. No, I can’t leave him alone.

* * *

The realization that he was alone hit Hutch hard. His face hurt, but it wasn’t the physical pain that was ripping away at him with such force. What the hell had just happened? As if my life wasn’t screwed up enough, I have to make things worse by sending the one good thing in my life away. What if he doesn’t come back? That thought tore at his insides. Without Starsky…nothing mattered. “Starsk…Starsk.”

The sound of Hutch calling for him was all it took. Starsky was through the door instantly. The sight of Hutch still on the floor brought the shame he felt rushing back in full force. Then the thought that he might have seriously hurt him chased all other thoughts from his head. Kneeling on the floor next to his friend, he hesitated, unsure of what to do or say. He didn’t know what Hutch was feeling now.

“Hutch?”

“Starsky…I thought you left.”

“I’m here, Hutch. I didn’t leave. Come on sit up, buddy.” Starsky pulled Hutch to a sitting position, shifting him so that he was propped up against the couch. Surveying the damage to his face, Starsky gently ran his fingers across Hutch’s nose. “I don’t think it’s broken.” Hutch winced slightly at Starsky’s touch. “Let’s get you cleaned up and get some ice on it.”

“Starsk, why did you come back?”

“I shouldn’t have left like that. And I shouldn’t have hit you. I’m sorry.” Starsky patted Hutch’s leg. “I’ll get some ice.”

Once Starsky had the blood cleaned off Hutch’s face, he helped him onto the couch and applied an ice pack to the now swollen and bruised area around the nose and eyes. “Looks like you’re going to have a couple of black eyes.” Looking at the damage he had done, Starsky shook his head sadly. “I never should have hit you.”

“I deserved it. I shouldn’t have blown up like that.” Hutch did his best to flash a weak smile, but his face hurt too much to manage more than a pained grimace.

“Why not? You certainly have plenty of reason to blow up. Maybe you should have done it a long time ago. Blow up, I mean, not hit me.” With a slight grin, Starsky took the cloths he had used on Hutch’s face and left to place them in the laundry. Returning, he found Hutch pacing around the living room, the ice pack discarded and lying on the coffee table. “Hutch, lay back down and get the ice pack back on your face.”

“Starsky, you ever think about how many times we’ve told a rape victim everything would be okay? Words, just words that don’t mean a damn thing. We give them a little pat on the head, and send them on their way. We just put them out of our minds. Do you ever wonder what happens to any of them?”

“Hutch, come put the ice back on your face.” Starsky feared that Hutch was getting himself worked up again. “We’re both going to have a whole new slant on rape and the victims now. But there’s no reason for the guilt trip.” Managing to get Hutch once again onto the couch, he replaced the ice pack.

“Hutch, I wish I knew how to help you. You know I would do anything for you.”

“I know that, Starsk, and it’s the only thing that has kept me functioning this much. Just don’t give up on me, okay?” Hutch sat up and once again took the ice pack off. “Why don’t you see if Stacey is free and maybe you two could get together? You really don’t need to sit here with me. Go have some fun.”

“I’m not going anywhere tonight,” Starsky stated firmly. “We had plans to spend the evening together, and that’s exactly what we’re going to do.”

“Starsky.”

“Nope, I don’t want to hear it. Put the ice pack back on and shut up and listen. I have one more thing to say and then I’ll shut up, too.” Starsky watched his friend, waiting for another blow up. “I want you to get help. Talk to someone who knows how to deal with what you’ve been through. If you want me to, I’ll make some calls and see if I can find someone qualified. But you need to get some help.” After saying his piece, Starsky sat quietly, waiting for Hutch’s reaction.

Hutch didn’t say anything at first. He sat quietly, as if looking for just the right words. Finally, taking a deep breath, he replied. “The truth is, Starsky, I’ve been thinking about going for some help, but I’m scared. What if it doesn’t do any good? Then what?”

“Then we think of something else. We don’t give up. Time is the key, Hutch. It’s just going to take time. Don’t try to rush it. Take it one day at a time. Keeping yourself busy probably wouldn’t hurt either. Tell me you’re gonna try.”

“I’ll try. You make some calls, and I’ll go see whoever you come up with. Now, can we change the subject for a while?”

“Subject is now changed.” Starsky pushed his partner back down on the couch and replaced the ice pack. “I guess neither one of us feels much like going out to a movie. How about we find something on TV and I’ll make us some popcorn? We can still salvage our evening.”

The two watched TV and ate their popcorn in a familiar silence. The movie they had been watching ended, and Starsky stretched, yawning as he looked over at the couch where Hutch lay now sound asleep.

Starsky found himself drawn to the sight of the sleeping blond. So many different emotions flooded through him. The strongest of which was love. He loved his partner, his best friend. The urge to wrap his arms around the sleeping man was suddenly so strong. More than anything, he wished he could keep him safe. Safe…and happy. Would Hutch ever be happy again? Or was it too late? Forcing his thoughts back to the present needs of his partner, Starsky knew Hutch would sleep better in his own bed. “Come on, Hutch, time for bed.”

A bleary eyed Hutch struggled to his feet with Starsky’s help. “Where we going?” Half asleep, Hutch stumbled toward the bedroom. Starsky kept a grip on him with one hand, while turning off lights with the other.

Once in the bedroom, a still groggy Hutch clumsily pulled of his clothes, tossing them on the floor. “You’re not leaving are you?” He had noticed that Starsky hadn’t made any move to get undressed.

“Planned on it, but wasn’t sure how you felt about it.”

Hutch pulled back the covers on the bed. “I want you to stay.” Hutch slid under the covers as Starsky began undressing. “Thanks, Starsk.”

Hutch was asleep almost before Starsky had slid into bed. The warmth of Hutch lying next to him brought back memories of the night he had spent with Stacey. Just thinking of Stacey’s soft, warm body, Starsky could feel himself begin to harden. Then the thought of Stacey’s body was quickly replaced by the image of Hutch on his knees in the alley throwing up. Hutch’s words earlier that night echoed in Starsky’s mind. How about how I’m scared to death of intimacy, scared of just being touched by someone? How about how fucking depressed I am most of the time? And how tired I am of trying to pretend everything is okay so you’ll think I’m doing good. Or better yet, how about how I sit here and think about just blowing my brains out and completely escaping the pain I am in?

I couldn’t imagine feeling the way Hutch feels. And the thought of sex making him sick to his stomach…? I’ve never even tried to imagine what Hutch went through that day with Jake. Rape. I know what that is. But I’ve never envisioned Hutch being raped. Guess I didn’t want to. Couldn’t face it? But I expect Hutch to just carry on like nothing happened. Could I?

Closing his eyes tightly, Starsky forced himself to picture what had happened to Hutch. Putting the actual image of Hutch being raped into his mind, he could hear Hutch last night screaming the words, “Maybe how powerless and helpless I felt while your brother’s friend, Jake, shoved his prick into me?” Starsky felt his stomach churn. Hutch had been practically helpless at the time of the attack. Seeing Hutch’s violation in his mind was almost more than he could handle. Reaching out, he pulled Hutch tightly to him.

Hutch stirred, then settled comfortably into Starsky’s arms. Starsky was thankful that Hutch would at least allow physical contact from him. Hutch’s life will be so empty if he can never allow himself any physical intimacy. I can’t let that happen. First thing Monday morning I am going to make those phone calls and find someone who can help him. Starsky couldn’t keep a small smile from his face thinking of all the disappointed women there would be if Hutch didn’t get things worked out. Hutch didn’t talk much about his sex life. Oh, no, he was much too reserved for that. Starsky now grinned widely. Hutch might come off as quiet and reserved, but from the remarks he had overheard, his partner was anything but reserved in the bedroom. Obviously, Hutch knew how to please the women he slept with. Wonder what pleases Hutch? Starsky drifted off to sleep wondering what exactly took Hutch from reserved to turned on and totally out of control.

* * *

Hutch woke feeling more safe and secure than he had in a long time. The reason being that he was wrapped warmly in Starsky’s arms. It felt good. But in reality, he should be sharing a bed with the pretty young woman from Huggy’s this morning. A woman so terrified me that I bolted outside to throw up. And here I am sharing a bed with my best friend. Starsky seems to think that good sex might just be the thing I need. Hutch let his hand slide down and over the slight bulge in his briefs. As if testing to see if it would still respond, he slowly guided his hand inside his briefs and took hold of the slightly aroused organ. Feeling himself harden, he had a sudden urge to masturbate himself to an orgasm. Not now. Not here in bed with my partner’s arms wrapped around me. Feeling as guilty as a teenager caught in the act, he withdrew his hand and sighed deeply.

Starsky, who was awake but had not moved for fear of waking Hutch, knew what had had just happened or, more accurately, what had almost happened. He felt Hutch’s need as if it were his own. He closed his eyes and could feel the soft touch of Stacey’s hands. Hutch needs to feel that same kind of physical love. He doesn’t trust anyone but me. Do I dare try to satisfy him? Can I satisfy his need?

It was just a matter of sliding his hand over Hutch’s hip. They had spent the night on their sides, with Starsky spooned around Hutch. His hand slid over the too slim hip–the lost weight another reminder of all Hutch had been through these last few months. Starsky’s hand paused. What am I doing?

Hutch felt Starsky’s hand move slowly down his hip and then stop. Tremendous disappointment swept over him, almost causing him to cry out in frustration. What’s wrong with me? The thought of a woman touching me makes me sick and brings back the disgusting images of Jake, but my partner’s hand on my hip and I’m…I’m getting hard. I actually wanted Starsky’s hand to keep moving. I want to feel something besides all the pain. His need taking control, Hutch reached for Starsky’s hand, slowly guiding it to his now throbbing erection. He held his breath, eyes tightly shut, waiting. Would Starsky jerk his hand away in disgust? No…Starsky’s warm hand took hold and began a gentle stroking.

Hearing Hutch moan with obvious pleasure, Starsky’s hand moved to the waistband of Hutch’s briefs and slid them slowly down his legs. He paused for a second, waiting to see if Hutch would protest. When no protest was forthcoming, Starsky once again began stroking Hutch’s cock. He had no experience knowing how to give another man a hand job. Shouldn’t be much different from doing myself. Feeling Hutch harden even more, Starsky knew he was on the right track. Within seconds, Hutch was thrusting furiously into Starsky’s hand. I want this to be so good for him. I want him to feel something other than pain and fear for a change. Touching Hutch like this somehow feels right. Not repulsive at all. Sort of a natural thing to be doing. Feels so good I’m as hard as Hutch is.

Hutch’s mind was jumbled with so many thoughts–most of which he didn’t want to deal with right now. He just wanted to enjoy all the attention Starsky was showering on his cock. His cock and the orgasm he knew would soon be rushing over him. He groaned loudly as Starsky fondled his balls. Damn, I shouldn’t be feeling this good. How can I let Starsky do this? I should stop this….

Hutch’s thrusting turned almost frantic, and Starsky tightened his grip. It wouldn’t be long now. He felt Hutch’s body tense, heard a long, almost tortured sounding moan, and then felt the warm sticky fluid fill his hand. Hutch’s body trembled and then seemed to totally relax. Wiping the sticky mess on the sheet, Starsky pulled his partner tightly against him. “Hutch, it’s okay.”

“I can’t look at you. How can you even want to look at me? I disgust myself. I let Jake…and then I force you to….” Hutch attempted to pull away, but Starsky kept a tight hold.

“Don’t even start that guilt crap with me. I wanted to do it. You didn’t force me and I’m not embarrassed or ashamed of what I did. And don’t you ever let me hear you take the blame for what Jake did. You didn’t let him do anything. So help me God, Hutch, don’t make me punch you again.” Starsky, taking hold of Hutch’s shoulder, forced him toward him. “Look at me. No, better yet, feel this.” He grabbed Hutch’s hand and forced it down to the still hard bulge that his underwear barely concealed. “Does that feel like I have any regrets?”

Hutch’s confused blue eyes looked directly into the determined eyes of his partner. “Starsk?”

“I don’t have any answers, Hutch, so don’t ask me any questions now. I just know you needed me and I wanted to be there for you. It was just one of those ‘me and thee’ times, buddy.”

Hutch looked down at his hand that Starsky still held against his groin. “Starsky, I don’t understand any of this.” Starsky released his hold on Hutch’s hand, but Hutch made no effort to remove it.

“I don’t think either of us should try to understand it right now. It’s just something that happened. Guess the only thing we do know is, it happened out of love and caring.” Starsky reached out and touched the blond’s bruised and swollen face. “I do care about you.”

Hutch swallowed nervously, “I care about you, too.” He moved his hand, slowly caressing Starsky’s erection through the underwear. He looked questioningly at Starsky, “Do you want me to show you how much I care?”

Starsky wasn’t sure the best way to respond. If I say no, Hutch could take it as a rejection. If I say yes, I’m putting him in a situation he may not be able to deal with. “How about showing how much you care for me by making me breakfast?” Starsky grinned.

Relief seemed to wash over the bruised and battered face of the blond. But the blue eyes still revealed some doubt. “Starsk…are you sure?” Don’t say no just because you think I can’t deal with this.

“Yeah, I’m sure. I’m starving.” Seeing the look of relief on the blond’s face, Starsky knew he had made the right decision.

Hutch fumbled awkwardly around the bed, looking for his underwear. Locating them, he slid them on, keeping his back to Starsky. It was obvious Hutch was feeling uncomfortable. “Hutch, don’t do this.”

“Do what?” His tone sounded almost apologetic.

“Make more out of what happened. What are partners for if not to lend a helping hand?”

Hutch turned to see the grin that had spread over Starsky’s face. He felt himself relax a little at the sight of that familiar grin. “Well, partner, even for you, that was above and beyond the call of duty.”

“It just goes to show you, there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for my partner. I mean it’s not like I would do something like that for just any partner, but you’re my best friend, too.”

“Starsk, this conversation is becoming bizarre, even for you.” Hutch couldn’t keep a small chuckle from escaping. The mood had been lightened. “Well, anyway, I guess I owe you one.”

“I’ll remember that, but for now how about that breakfast?”

“Mind if I shower first?” Hutch asked as he headed toward the door.

“Nope, but before you look in the mirror, I think you should keep in mind that I’m really sorry I hit you. And it might not hurt if you’d also remember that you said you deserved it.”

“I look that bad, huh?” Hutch paused and turned, grinning at the sight of his partner still tangled in the sheets and looking like he was planning on staying that way.

 

Part Five

Starsky slowly opened his eyes at the sound of his alarm. Time to get up already? Groaning, he pulled one arm out from under the blankets and managed to turn off the alarm. He’d had a late night with Stacey and he would pay for it today. But it had been worth it. Smiling to himself just thinking about it, he threw back the blankets and made his way to the bathroom.

Starsky starred glumly at the vacant desk across from him. Dobey had him doing paperwork until, as he had put it, he could decide what to do with a Starsky without a Hutch. Doing paperwork was bad enough, but doing it alone–without Hutch–was just no fun at all. Not to mention I wouldn’t worry about you so much if you were here. What are you doing right now, Hutch? What would you think if you knew where my thoughts were last night when I was making love to Stacey? I told you what happened the other morning was no big deal, but I gotta wonder if it was a big deal…at least to me. I don’t want you worrying about it. You’ve got other issues to deal with now. I never fully really realized the extent of those issues until the other night. I can’t let what I’m starting to feel mess you up right now. Especially when I don’t understand what it is I’m feeling.

When lunchtime rolled around, Starsky spent most of his time on the phone. First with Huggy to get the number of the doctor Huggy had sent that night to treat Hutch. Starsky knew Dr. Logan could be trusted. Minutes later he was talking to Dr. Logan on the phone. The doctor listened to what Starsky had to say and agreed that Hutch needed some counseling. He supplied him with several phone numbers and also suggested that Starsky might want to stop by after work and pick up some information he might find helpful. And he suggested that maybe Starsky might want to consider talking to someone. Someone who could help him deal with Hutch and what he was going through.

The next phone call was to Hutch, but there was no answer. Starsky stared at the phone, wondering where Hutch was. He’s a grown man, no reason he has to be home every time you call.

After what seemed an eternity, the day was over, and Starsky breathed a sigh of relief. He shoved the paperwork aside and reached for his jacket. All he wanted to do now was pick up a pizza and swing by Hutch’s. He had missed having Hutch at the desk across from him.

He was almost out the door, when he heard Dobey.

“Starsky, get in here.”

Damn, now what? The bounce he had had in his step as he headed for the door was gone–a feeling of dread in its place.

“Yeah, Captain. What’s up?” Dobey motioned for him to take a seat. Starsky knew this was not a good sign. Almost holding his breath, he waited for Dobey to drop the bomb. For a brief second, he wondered if something had happened to Hutch, but he brushed that idea aside quickly. Dobey was acting too calm…well, as calm as Dobey ever acted anyway.

“Starsky, I know the timing is lousy, but I have an assignment for you. I wish there were someone else who do it, but since you’ve been off for a while and have no open cases, you’re the logical choice. The only choice, really.” Dobey leaned back in his chair, his face showing the turmoil he was feeling about whatever it was he was about to spring on his detective.

“Spell it out, Captain.” Starsky had a feeling he wasn’t going to like this assignment. He was on the edge of his seat.

“We’ve got a case going to trial next week. A murder case. Big time drug dealer. The case against him is good, as long as we can keep our star witness alive to testify. I need you to make sure that happens. You won’t be alone, though. I’ve got a young detective whose partner’s also on a medical leave.”

“Trial’s next week?” Starsky felt his stomach drop. “When next week?” Starsky seemed to ignore the fact that he was going to be partnered with someone.

“Tuesday. I know you don’t like leaving Hutch now, but I honestly don’t have a choice.” Dobey did truly sound unhappy about it. “He’s okay, isn’t he?”

“Yeah, he’s doing okay.” Starsky hoped he sounded more confident than he felt. He didn’t want Dobey having any doubts about Hutch when he came back to work. “When do I start babysitting?”

“As soon as you can pack a bag.”

“That soon? That’s not fair…you know I’ve gotta go see Hutch and let him know.” Starsky was pacing around the office like a caged animal. A week with no contact with Hutch. A week of not knowing how he’s doing. I know he doesn’t want me hovering over him. But damn, what if he needs me?

“Starsky, stop with the pacing and go get your things together. By all means stop and see Hutch, but make it quick. I need you back here right away.”

“All right I’m going,” Starsky sighed. “It’s gonna take me a couple hours, though. I have a some things I have to take care of if I’m gonna be gone for a week.”

“Starsky…you tell Hutch to call if he needs anything.”

“I’ll tell him, Captain.” Starsky knew it was unlikely that Hutch would call. He was still embarrassed by the fact that Dobey and Huggy knew what had happened to him.

“Starsky, I really wish I had someone else to watch our witness.” Dobey was clearly feeling badly about the situation. “You do what you need to do and get back when you can.”

“It’s okay, Captain. I’m sure Hutch will survive a week without me.”

“Starsky, it’s not Hutch I’m worried about surviving the week…it’s you.”

Starsky couldn’t hold back the wide grin. He knew what Dobey had just said was true. Hutch would be fine, but Starsky himself would be going crazy with worry. “Yep, you’re right, as usual. Guess that’s why you’re the boss, huh?” Starsky headed for the door, a little of the old bounce back in his walk.

* * *

After a quick stop at Dr. Logan’s office and a few minutes of friendly flirting with a pretty young receptionist, Starsky had the requested information. Next stop was his place, where he quickly packed what he would need for the coming week. Then a quick call to Stacey to let her know he would be out of touch for a while. He was beginning to feel some guilt where Stacey was concerned. Thinking of Hutch while making love to her was not exactly an ideal situation. Maybe by being away from both of them, he’d be able to sort out his feelings.

Forty-five minutes later, an obviously amused Hutch opened his door to find a struggling Starsky juggling a hot pizza, while trying to knock on the door. “Need some help?”

“What do you think?” Starsky grumbled as he slid the pizza onto the table.

“I think we sound a little cranky today. Rough day at the office?” Hutch knew something more than a hot pizza and not getting the door open was bothering his usually even-tempered partner. “What’s wrong? Dobey give you a bad time about something?”

Returning from the refrigerator, Hutch handed Starsky a beer. “Here, maybe this will help. Now tell me what’s wrong. You look like someone stole your last candy bar.”

Starsky raised his eyebrows. “That’s not even funny, Hutch.”

“I’m serious, Starsky, what’s wrong?” Hutch watched, as conflicting emotions seemed to wage a battle on his friend’s face. The tensing of his jaw left no doubt as to the deep frustration he was feeling. “Out with it.”

Now it was Starsky’s turn to observe his partner. Taking in the set face and the fixed eyes, he knew he wasn’t going to be able to change the subject. The best he could hope for was to downplay what he was feeling. “I guess it’s really no big deal. Dobey has me playing babysitter to a witness in a murder trial starting tonight.” Starsky reached for another slice of pizza. “The trial’s not until next Tuesday.”

“If it’s no big deal, what’s the problem? Is it dangerous?”

“It’s my job to make sure this witness lives to testify. So I suppose you could say there’s an element of danger.”

“But that’s not it, is it? It’s not the assignment. You just don’t want to leave me alone. You think I need a babysitter.”

Starsky’s face told him he was dead right. “Why, Starsky? It’s not like I can’t take care of myself. Physically, I’m almost as good as new. Okay, so my mind’s a little messed up, but that doesn’t mean I can’t take care of myself. I’ve just got some things to sort out.” Hutch felt the small amount of self-confidence he had been surviving on begin to shatter around him.

“Hutch, it’s not that I think you need a babysitter. I know you can take care of yourself. I can’t explain it…I just can’t help worrying about you.” Starsky didn’t like this feeling that he was somehow hurting Hutch. “Remember when Marcus’ followers had me?”

Hutch nodded. He would never forget the horror Starsky had gone through because of Marcus. Or for that matter, the sheer terror that had gripped him for months afterwards. Realization dawned as one pair of blue eyes met the other. He had acted exactly the same way when it had been Starsky striving to forget the pain Marcus’ followers had inflicted. He hadn’t wanted to let Starsky out of his sight for a long time after that.

“It’s just the way we are, babe. When one of us goes through some terrible ordeal, we both feel it.” Starsky’s voice was soft and soothing. “Face it, we just can’t help worrying about each other.”

“I’m sorry. I should have realized what you’ve been going through, too. I know none of this has been easy for you either.” Hutch could still see the concern in Starsky’s face. “I just don’t want you worrying about me so much. Keep your mind on the job you’re gonna be doing.

“Fine, you quit worrying about me, and I’ll quit worrying about you.”

“Starsky, I think the day we quit worrying about each other is the day we’re both dead and buried.”

Starsky laughed, “yeah, I think you’re right. How about we just try to keep the worrying down to a minimum?”

“Sounds impossible, but I guess we can give it a try.” A smile was evident in the sound of his voice.

With things more relaxed now, Starsky brought out the phone numbers he had picked up from Dr. Logan. “I’ve got some numbers for you.” He held the paper out to Hutch. “Remember, you said you’d call if I got you a phone number. You’ve got two here to choose from. Dr. Logan said they were both real good.”

“Dr. Logan?” Hutch looked questioningly at his partner. “The name’s not familiar. Did he treat me at the hospital?”

“Uh…no, he’s the doctor that Huggy sent over after…after Jake attacked you.” Starsky hated to remind Hutch of that day. “He’s real nice, Hutch, and he thinks talking to someone will help.”

“Oh…that doctor. I do have a few vivid images of that.” Remembering brought a shadow of pained embarrassment to his face.

“Looking at the phone numbers he held in his hand, Hutch had a brief flicker of uncertainty. But seeing Starsky watching him expectantly with a look of worry on his face, he knew he had to follow through on his promise. “I’ll call and make an appointment.” He even managed a tremulous smile. The smile that lit up Starsky’s face was motivation enough for Hutch. He was determined that tomorrow he would make that call.

Still smiling broadly, Starsky leaned back, deciding he would spend a few more minutes with Hutch before starting his assignment.

“What’d you do with your day while I was knee deep in paperwork?”

“Partner, you were probably on your third cup of coffee before I even rolled out of bed. I did manage to run a couple of miles this morning. I did some laundry and then re-potted some of my plants. Nothing too exciting, but I did keep myself busy.”

“Running, huh? That sounds like the old Hutch. I suppose you bought some of that God-awful healthy stuff you call food, too?”

Hutch couldn’t hold back a chuckle. “Not yet, but maybe tomorrow.”

Starsky, suddenly and totally out of the blue, felt a great relief wash over him. Hutch was going to be okay. For the first time in a long time, he felt he could leave Hutch without worrying about him.

“Well, buddy, I guess I better get going and make sure my prize witness gets tucked into bed okay.” Starsky got to his feet and headed to the kitchen with his plate and empty beer bottle.

“Starsk, just keep your mind on the job and don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.” Hutch had followed his partner out to the kitchen.

Starsky turned and pulled his friend into a tight embrace. “I know you’re gonna be okay. And don’t you worry about me either. I’ll be fine, too.”

Hutch welcomed the embrace. It felt good to be enveloped warmly in Starsky’s arms. He felt his cheeks flush, as he recalled the events of the last time he had felt the comfort of Starsky’s embrace. Pulling away from Starsky, Hutch was more than a little startled to see a look of total bliss had spread over his partner’s face. Starsky’s words echoed through Hutch’s mind, as he remembered vividly the feel of Starsky’s groin under his hand. Look at me. No, better yet, feel this. Does that feel like I have any regrets?

“Hey, partner, where did you go?” Hutch was jolted back to the present by Starsky’s words. The look of bliss had been replaced by concern.

“Sorry, I was thinking about…making that call tomorrow. Guess I’m kind of nervous.” Hutch hoped Starsky would buy that excuse. I can’t very well tell him where my mind was wandering off to.

“You’re gonna do just fine. I really believe that, Hutch.” Starsky’s enthusiasm was contagious, and Hutch found his own spirits rise.

“We’ll both be all right. But you’d better get going before Dobey comes looking for you.” This time, it was Hutch who pulled Starsky into a hug. “Thanks, partner.”

“You just be ready for a night out when I get back. Dinner’s on me,” Starsky promised as he headed out the door.

* * *

Within seconds, the apartment felt empty to Hutch. Despite his reassurances to his partner, he knew he was going to miss Starsky. And he would also worry about him while he was protecting that witness. Some habits just couldn’t be changed.

Hutch found himself whistling, as he headed out for his morning run. It felt good to be jogging again. So good, in fact, he was even thinking about going back to the gym. He couldn’t help but feel good with the warm radiant sun beating down on him. It was a beautiful day. Poor Starsky, stuck inside babysitting some pathetic jerk.

Thirty minutes later, Hutch was back in front of Venice Place. Pausing to catch his breath and stretch, he glanced around his surroundings. He took in the two attractive young women across the street, a young mother walking her baby, and then he was reminded of Starsky as he noticed a young man leaning against the building two doors down. Younger and a bit smaller than Starsky, but the same brown curly hair. For a second, Hutch felt a tinge of fear, as he realized that the man reminded him more of his partner’s younger brother. Nick? Even Nick wouldn’t be stupid enough to be hanging around here. He’s got to know that the police are looking for him. Especially his brother. Taking a second look, he found that the man was no longer anywhere to be seen. Feeling a little foolish for even considering it might have been Nick Starsky, Hutch bounded up the stairs to his apartment. Putting the curly-haired young man completely out of his mind, Hutch showered and then ate a leisurely breakfast. The day was spent quietly. He did some reading, watched a little TV, and then made the promised phone call. He dialed the first number on the paper Starsky had left him. Feeling a great deal of trepidation, but not wanting to let Starsky down, he made an appointment for the following week. Marking the time boldly on his calendar, he felt he had achieved at least a small triumph.

As the day wound down, Hutch found himself feeling restless. The day’s last lingering rays of sunshine were inviting, so he headed out to take a walk. Within minutes, he was settled against a tree in his favorite park, watching the children play. The still warm sun felt good against his skin, and he closed his eyes briefly. The summer sounds that echoed throughout the park reminded him of what he had been missing. Life…he had been missing life. Opening his eyes, he watched as two small children played catch with a large red ball. They seemed to be having great fun. They laughed and jumped around without a care in the world. He watched as one little boy darted off to retrieve the ball that had bounced away from them. The boy smiled up at the young man holding the ball out to him. Once the little boy had the ball back in his hands again, he whirled around and took off.

Still smiling at the sight of the happy, playful children, Hutch found himself paralyzed at the sight of the man who had returned the ball to the child. It couldn’t be. It’s just not possible. Nick Starsky. Nick Starsky, right here in the park, just a few yards away from me. No, it’s me. I’m must be going crazy. I’m seeing things that just are not there.

Hutch sat numbly against the tree. Everything around him seemed silent–as if no one else existed. The park may as well have been empty. He felt alone. The urge to run was so strong, but he wasn’t sure where he could run to or if he could even manage to get to his feet. Squeezing his eyes tightly shut, he slowly opened them again. He scanned across the park. A sudden rush of terror gripped him with a tight hold. Nick still stood in the same spot. Only now he was looking directly at Hutch.

This isn’t happening. It can’t be. His heart was beating so fast and hard, it felt like it was punching him in the chest. Getting to his feet was not an easy task, but getting out of the park and home was all he could think about. His clumsy efforts finally paid off and he was finally standing. It seemed to take every ounce of strength he had to just put one foot in front of the other. Step by slow step, he made his way out of the park. Turning to look only once, he knew Nick was still watching him. The look on Nick’s face was one of satisfied contempt.

The short walk from the park seemed to drag on forever. By the time Hutch arrived at his apartment, he was both physically and emotionally drained. He was sweating and struggling for each breath. The flight of stairs up to his apartment had become a very daunting obstacle. But the thought of Nick somewhere behind him became motivation enough, and he half stumbled, half crawled, up the stairs.

By the time Hutch managed to find the key that was buried in his pocket, his hands were trembling so badly he could barely unlock the door. Once inside, he stumbled to the couch. His head was pounding almost as hard as his heart. He felt dizzy and couldn’t control the trembling that seemed to have taken over his body. God, I’m dying. His hands and feet felt numb and each breath was a struggle. I’m gonna die here all alone. I can just see the headline now: “Cop Scared to Death.”

As he lay curled on the couch, he had lost all track of time. The room began to darken as night approached. The idea of total darkness was far from appealing to Hutch. Between the fear of being alone in the dark and the realization that he needed desperately to make a trip to the bathroom, Hutch knew he had to make himself move off the couch. He shivered and realized that his shirt was damp, drenched in sweat. As he got to his feet, he realized he was still lightheaded and dizzy. The pounding in his chest was not as bad as it had been. Making his way slowly around the room, he moved from light to light, turning on every light in the room. Satisfied that he was no longer in any danger from the darkness, he proceeded slowly toward the bathroom. After relieving himself and splashing cold water on his perspiration-soaked face, he felt a little better.

As he was leaving the bathroom, his hand reached to turn off the light. He hesitated for a second and then decided to leave the light on. If I’m going to be a coward, I might as well go all the way. With that thought in mind, Hutch moved from the bathroom to the bedroom, and then to the kitchen, turning on the lights in each room. Despite the fact that he had turned on every light in the apartment, he still couldn’t shake his almost overwhelming sense of fear. Nick is out there. Why? He has to be after me. Why else would he be hanging around here? He must know the police and his brother are looking for him.

“Okay, okay…just calm down. Find something to take your mind off Nick,” Hutch said out loud. He moved to the coffee table, picking up a book he had started a few days ago. Now I’m talking to myself. Settling himself in a chair, he tried to concentrate on reading, but within minutes he knew it was no use. Book still in hand, he got up and paced around the room. Standing next to the window that looked out onto the street in front of his apartment, he reached out to shut the wooden shutters. Pausing to glance out, he noticed a solitary figure standing just under the streetlight across the street. As he moved closer to the window to get a better view, the man under the streetlight looked up and directly into Hutch’s window. Hutch felt his knees go weak, and once again fear took a firm hold of him. Backing away from the window, he reached out one trembling hand and pushed the shutters closed.

Breathing had suddenly become a major struggle. He slid down onto the floor. Pull yourself together, Hutchinson. Shake off this damn fear, and you can handle Nick. He’s alone now; Jake’s not around to help him. An abrupt wave of nausea hit, and he had no choice but to pull himself off the floor, making a mad rush for the bathroom. Huddled around the toilet, he continued vomiting until there was nothing left in his stomach. Then the dry heaves started, and his stomach was cramping so badly that he was reminded of the torment he had gone through in that small room above Huggy’s. But then, he’d had Starsky to hold on to. Starsky had helped him through every inch of withdrawal.

Too weak to move, Hutch curled up on the bathroom floor, hoping the cramps that wracked his stomach would soon subside. He remained on the hard bathroom floor the rest of the night, dozing on and off whenever the pain in his stomach would ease enough for sleep.

Sometime early in the morning, Hutch managed to make his way to bed. Fully clothed, he fell into bed, pulling the covers tightly around him. There he remained until the need to use the bathroom forced him from the safety of his blankets.

Staring at himself in the bathroom mirror, Hutch found that he looked just as bad as he felt. The optimism and renewed hope he had been feeling just yesterday was gone. Left in its place was fear and a feeling of helplessness and despair.

Hutch barely noticed one day passing into another. All concept of time had been lost. He hadn’t left the apartment since seeing Nick. The lights remained on and the shutters tightly closed. His days had been spent in an alcoholic haze. He had come to depend heavily on two things: a bottle and his gun. He was never far from either of them–the bottle in his hand, and the gun nestled securely in its holster at his side. He slept very little and was eating even less. Details like showering and shaving were never considered. He rarely ventured further than the couch.

The ringing of the phone several nights ago had caused Hutch to take the phone off the hook and shove it under the couch. Flashbacks centering on the visit from Nick and Jake had then occupied most of his night, leaving him a shaking and trembling mess. When he had reached the point where he was reliving the brutal rape for the second time, he had reached for a bottle.

“Damn it!” Hutch swore loudly, as he searched the kitchen cabinets. There has to be another bottle here somewhere. The thought that he might have to leave the apartment or face sobering up was not an idea he was anxious to consider. When he found a half-empty bottle in the back of the cupboard, he felt a rush–much like an addict feels when getting ready to score his next fix. Settling himself on the floor, he opened the bottle and tossed the cap across the room, knowing he wouldn’t be needing it. He welcomed the fierce burning sensation that the first swallow sent coursing down his throat. Leaning his head back against the cabinet door, he briefly wondered what day it might be, as he closed his eyes and took another swallow. Starsky is gonna be so pissed.

* * *

Disappointed, Starsky hung up the phone. He had wanted to let Hutch know he was on his way over, but the line was busy. Starsky had just delivered the witness to the courthouse. His long week of babysitting was now over. Things had gone very smoothly. The young detective he had been partnered with had been a nice guy and they had hit it off okay. It was probably a good thing that everything had gone so smoothly, as he certainly hadn’t been able to keep his mind off Hutch for very long. Confused is the only word for what I’m feeling. I’ve always loved Hutch, but not exactly in the way I’m feeling now. Why now? God, why now? Hutch doesn’t need anything else to deal with now. And I need to have my head on straight so I can help him deal with all he’s been through.

Starsky had had time to read the information on dealing with rape the doctor had given him. He had always known it was something that wasn’t easy for a victim to deal with, but now he realized it was even worse than he could ever have imagined. And maybe it was even worse for Hutch being a man and a cop besides. He knew Hutch had always figured he should have been able to prevent it from happening for those very reasons. Why couldn’t Hutch understand that he didn’t have a chance of stopping Jake? Not in the condition Hutch had been in.

Reading through the material, he had recognized many of the things Hutch had been going through. Angry outbursts, sleep disturbances, depression, and fear of dating. Starsky tried to remind himself that Hutch had been doing better. Remembering just how good Hutch had seemed before he left last week, brought a smile to his face. Yeah, Hutch is going to be okay. I just have to remember to listen to him and respect the fears he’s dealing with. And to be more accepting and tolerant of his angry outbursts and his depression. He needs me.

No point hanging around here, I’ll just head over to Hutch’s. As he slid into the Torino, he realized he hadn’t even thought about giving Stacey a call. But what will I say to her when I do call her? Sorry, Stacey, but I think I prefer Hutch to you now? Things were certainly beginning to get complicated.

Starsky was feeling so good as he climbed the steps to Hutch’s apartment that he couldn’t keep himself from whistling. Still whistling, he knocked on the door and then waited for his partner to open it. Growing impatient and hearing no sound from inside the apartment, Starsky pulled his keys out of his pocket and let himself in. Maybe he’s out for his morning run.

As the door swung open, Starsky’s eyes immediately spotted the long legs of his partner on the floor in the kitchen. “Hutch.” Starsky’s first thought was that Hutch had been injured or become ill. He felt his stomach knot as he knelt beside his friend. Picking up the empty bottle next to Hutch’s hand, Starsky quickly realized the problem was neither an injury nor illness. As he shook Hutch, trying to bring him around, Starsky wondered if maybe he had been wrong and Hutch really was sick. He didn’t look well at all–very pale, almost fragile looking. It was also quite obvious that Hutch had not showered or shaved in some time. Not like Hutch at all. He was startled to find that Hutch was wearing his gun. Why would Hutch wear his gun around the apartment?

Shaking Hutch again, a little harder this time, he was pleased to see his friend’s eyes open. But he was stunned at the reaction he received. Hutch gasped, frightened to see someone next to him, and tried to back away from Starsky. Starsky reached out to him, but that only seemed to scare Hutch more. Starsky watched as the inebriated blond fumbled for the gun at his side.

“Hutch. It’s me. Take it easy.” Starsky watched as recognition crept into the blurry blue eyes.

“Starsk?” Hutch’s hand dropped from his gun, as the horror of what he had been about to do hit him full force. “I’m sorry….” He reached out a trembling hand to steady himself against the cupboard, as he attempted to get to his feet. “I’ve been drinking.”

Pulling himself to his feet, Starsky reached out to help Hutch up. “I think it’s pretty obvious that you’ve been drinking.” The tone in his voice clearly showed his disappointment and disgust.

“I said I was sorry.” Hutch half staggered, half stumbled, toward the living room.

“Instead of telling me how sorry you are, how about telling me why? Why are you doing this to yourself?” Starsky said, as he watched his partner attempt to maneuver himself in the direction of the couch.

“No reason, just felt like it.”

“I suppose you just felt like turning all the lights on and shutting all the shutters and curtains in the place? And I suppose you just haven’t felt like showering or shaving either?” Starsky could feel the anger building in him. “When was the last time you ate or slept? You look like hell!”

Hearing the anger in Starsky’s voice, Hutch felt his own anger begin to flare. What was Starsky so upset up about? I’m the one who just spent a week in hell. I’m the damn, useless coward who can’t seem to get his life back together. “Just shut up! If you don’t like what you see, you can just leave.”

“Is that what you want? You want me to leave?” Starsky ground out the words between clenched teeth. “Hey, buddy, I’m just trying to understand what happened to you. The old Hutch I knew and loved seemed on his way back when I left a week ago. What the hell happened to cause such a change?”

“Nothing happened, Starsk. Maybe we both just have to accept the fact that the old Hutch is gone and won’t be coming back.” His words were slurred, and his exhaustion appeared to be ready to take control.

The fatigue and alcohol Starsky heard in his friend’s slurred words normally would have evoked some sympathy, but now only infuriated him. “Maybe the old Hutch is not coming back because you don’t have the guts to bring him back. Guess it’s easier to hide yourself away in your apartment with a bottle.”

Hutch tried to stand, struggling to keep his balance. He wasn’t sure if the alcohol or lack of sleep was to blame for the fact that getting to his feet was almost an impossible task. Hand firmly planted on the back of the couch to keep himself standing, his expression was like someone who had been struck in the face. “Yeah, maybe it is easier. And maybe a bottle is more dependable than my partner…” He swayed slightly, but managed to regain his balance. “I’m doing the best I can. If it’s not good enough for you, that’s just too damn bad.”

“This is your best?” Starsky pointed at the blond. “An exhausted drunk is the best you can do? You think the bottle is more dependable than me, huh? What happened to the guy who made it clear that he didn’t need a babysitter? Did he find out he’s not as strong as he thought he was?” The words rushed out, cold and harsh. Part of him knew he was being unfair, but part of him felt as if he had been tricked. Tricked into believing one thing, and now being confronted with something entirely different. This was not the Hutch he had been looking forward to coming home to.

“You don’t know…you don’t understand. You…could never…understand.” Hutch’s voice had grown louder. It was clear to Starsky that Hutch was losing control, that he had reached the breaking point. “You’ll never be able to understand what it’s been like. Never! Only someone who has been through it could understand. And I’d never want you to go through that.”

Starsky watched as the glowering mask of fury on Hutch’s face slowly turned into a look of utter and complete defeat. “Hutch?” Starsky’s voice softened.

Hutch moved away from the couch, his movements slow and fumbling. “None of this was my fault. Why can’t you understand that? I was the victim. Why are you so angry with me?” He had lowered his voice now, his anger gone, replaced by a quiet despair. “I see the disgust in your eyes, Starsky. Why don’t you just leave? You don’t have to stay with me.”

“Hutch, I’m not leaving, so you can just get that idea out of your head. I’m just getting awful tired of you always giving up.” Starsky moved closer toward Hutch, then watched as his friend backed away from him. “You don’t have to handle everything alone.”

“Damn you! I seem to recall that I’ve been alone for a week now. And that’s okay; you had a job to do and I understand that. But don’t come in here now complaining about the way I’ve handled things. You don’t know what my week was like, so just get off my back. I said I did the best I could.”

“If your week was that bad, you could have called someone. Do you always have to be so stubborn?”

“Stubborn?” Hutch’s anger resurfaced. “Did you expect me to call Dobey or Huggy to hold my hand? Maybe my mother?” Hutch had backed himself up against the wall, looking as if at any moment he might slide to the floor. “I’m tired, Starsk…I don’t have the energy for this now. I’m sorry you find me disgusting and a major disappointment. Please just leave.”

Starsky watched as Hutch slid down the wall and then toppled over. He was out like a light. “Now at least maybe you’ll get some rest.” Starsky pulled his exhausted partner to his feet and, lifting him, carried him into the bedroom where he gently deposited him on the bed. He removed the gun and holster, shaking his head as he placed it on the dresser. Taking a blanket from the closet, he carefully covered the sleeping blond. Sitting and watching Hutch sleep, Starsky’s eyes took in the haggard appearance of his partner. The week had obviously taken its toll. Something had gone very wrong while he had been away.

Starsky continued sitting and watching Hutch, until he was satisfied that Hutch was sleeping soundly. Then, turning off the light, he closed the bedroom door quietly behind him. Moving around the apartment, he started turning off lights and opening shutters and windows. This place reeks of stale beer and whiskey.

Next, he gathered up the empty bottles and tossed them in the trash. There really wasn’t much to clean up around the apartment. There were only a few dirty dishes in the kitchen, which Starsky quickly had cleaned up. He hasn’t been eating.

Checking on Hutch again and finding him still out, Starsky turned on the TV and made himself comfortable on the couch. Despite the fact that the movie on TV was one of his favorites, he couldn’t keep his mind on it. I can’t believe the change in Hutch. What happened here this week? Something triggered this decline. He’d been doing so well. It’s like something or someone scared the hell out of him. When he’s feeling better, I’ll have to make him talk about it. Feeling restless and edgy, Starsky turned off the TV and paced around the apartment.

Hearing Hutch moan from the other room, Starsky looked in on his partner. “How ya feeling?” Starsky stood in the doorway watching, as Hutch slowly sat up, holding his head with both hands.

“How do you think I feel?” Hutch groaned as the slight movement caused the pain in his head to intensify. “What are you still doing here?” There was no longer any hint of anger in his voice, just a calm, resigned tone.

“I think you probably feel like shit, and I’m still here because it seems you need a babysitter.” Starsky’s voice had a serious, firm tone to it, but without the earlier anger. “I’ll get you some aspirin.”

Hutch watched as Starsky turned and left. He was relieved to see Starsky had stayed. They needed to talk. He had to explain what had caused him to end up in this condition.

“Here.” Starsky handed Hutch several aspirin and a glass of water. Hutch’s hands shook as he took them, but he managed to get the pills down without spilling much of the water.

Starsky took the glass from the trembling hands and set it safely on the night table. “Why don’t you just rest while I run some bath water for you?”

“You trying to tell me something?” Starsky was relieved to see some of Hutch’s usual humor return.

“What I’m trying to tell ya is that you need a bath. I doubt you can handle standing up in the shower. Now just close your eyes and rest for a few minutes while I get your bath water ready.”

Too tired to argue, Hutch closed his eyes. He could hear Starsky running the water in the bathroom. I’m so lucky to have him in my life. Sometimes I wonder why he puts up with me.

A few minutes later, Starsky stood at the side of the bed, looking down on his sleeping partner. He hated to wake him, but he didn’t want the bath water to get cold. “Come on, Hutch, bath time. You can sleep the rest of the day, once you get cleaned up and have something to eat.”

Hutch forced his tired blue eyes open and tried to focus on his partner and what he was saying. “I’m so tired, Starsk.”

“I know you are, but you’ll sleep better after a hot bath and some food in your stomach. Come on, I’ll give you a hand.” Starsky held out his hand and the grateful blond took hold of it.

With Starsky’s steadying hand, Hutch made it to the bathroom. Although Hutch appreciated his partner’s help, when Starsky started to help him undress, Hutch abruptly let him know that his assistance was no longer needed. “I can take it from here, Starsk.”

“Fine, have it your way, but I’ll be right back to give you a hand.”

Settled in the bathtub, Hutch had to admit that the warm water felt really good. He could feel his body relaxing, and he simply closed his eyes and enjoyed the warmth.

“Okay, buddy, you just relax and I’ll take it from here.” Hutch’s eyes flew open at the sound of Starsky’s voice. Starsky had knelt down by the tub and proceeded to lather up the washcloth he had placed nearby.

“Starsky, what the hell are you doing? I can….” Hutch’s words were silenced when the washcloth was placed on his face, and Starsky began gently washing.

“Just shut up, relax, and let me take care of you for a while, huh? It’s been a rough week for you, but it’s over now, and we’ll get things back on track.”

Starsky lost himself in the sheer joy of caressing his partner. He would have willingly let the washcloth fall away and let his bare hand explore Hutch’s body. He couldn’t deny it any longer–he wanted Hutch. Wanted wasn’t the right word, he craved…desired…hungered for Hutch. Hearing Hutch exhale what had to be a long sigh of contentment, Starsky looked at his partner, wondering if it could be possible that Hutch was enjoying this in the same way he was?

Starsky continued his gentle scrubbing of his partner, his hand moving down the flat stomach, pausing just slightly. He held his breath, briefly terrified of what Hutch’s reaction would be if he let his hand wander any further. You’re just giving him a bath. Keep your mind on that fact and quit the fantasizing. He moved his hand, continuing his gentle washing. As his fingers brushed up against Hutch’s soft penis, he felt it twitch and harden just a bit. It was obvious Hutch’s cock was enjoying the small amount of attention being paid to it. God, how I would love to give it lots of attention. Not wanting to embarrass Hutch, he quickly moved on.

Hutch did as he was told and kept quiet. At first he’d felt somewhat uncomfortable having Starsky bathe him. His mind wandered back to the first time Starsky had bathed him, after the rape. Not wanting to think about that now, he let Starsky’s gentle touch and caring bring him back to the present. After his week of terror, he felt so safe with Starsky here taking charge of things.

Suddenly, he felt anything but relaxed as he felt Starsky’s hand brush his cock. He was embarrassed at the eager response shown by his genitals. God, how mortifying…one slight touch of my partner’s hand and my cock wants to jump to attention. Trying to act as if nothing had happened became more difficult as the memory of that morning a week ago, when Starsky’s hand had given him so much pleasure, almost caused Hutch to moan out loud. Get it together, Hutchinson.

“Keep your eyes closed, babe, I’m gonna wash your hair now.”

Relieved to have something else to think about, Hutch took a deep breath as Starsky poured the warm water over his head.

Soon Starsky, gently but quickly, had the blond bathed, his hair washed and the week’s worth of stubble on his face shaved. “There now, you look almost human again.” Starsky smiled down at his now totally relaxed partner. “Hey, you still with me?”

Hutch slowly opened his eyes. He couldn’t help but attempt a weak smile in return, as he stared up into Starsky’s smiling face. Hutch found himself almost choking on the surge of emotion he felt building up in him. “I’m sorry,” was all he could manage as he tried to maintain control of his feelings. What he really wanted to do was cry. He knew Starsky didn’t need to hear it; their appreciation for one another had always been a given. But looking into the face of his best friend, a friend who was always there for him, he just had to say one more thing. “Thank you.”

“Hey, it’s okay.” Starsky could see Hutch was struggling to maintain control. “Nothing to be sorry for, and certainly no thanks needed. How many times do I have to explain that to you? Now let’s get you out of this tub.”

Starsky helped him dry off, then handed him his robe. “Think you can handle it from here?” He pointed toward the sink at Hutch’s toothbrush and comb.

“I’ll manage,” Hutch said, as he tied his robe around himself.

“Good. I’m gonna fix you something to eat. Then it’s back to bed for you for some much needed sleep.”

As Starsky left the bathroom, Hutch stood looking after him, wondering. How did I ever get so lucky as to have him for a friend? I certainly don’t deserve him.

Teeth brushed and damp hair now combed neatly in place, Hutch watched as his friend made their lunch. He had opened a couple of cans of soup, and it was simmering on the stove as he finished preparing grilled cheese sandwiches.

“Lunch is served,” Starsky said, as he filled two bowls with the hot, steaming soup and carried them to the table. “Sit down and get eating.” Hutch slid into a chair and waited for Starsky, as he brought the sandwiches and glasses of milk to the table. He watched Starsky attack his meal with his usual gusto. Hutch wasn’t sure he could show the same enthusiasm for the meal as his friend. His stomach already felt a little queasy.

“Hutch, eat, will ya? At least some soup.”

Hutch picked up his spoon and forced himself to take a sip of the soup. He was surprised to find that it seemed to hit the spot.

“Tastes pretty good, huh?” Starsky said, happy to see Hutch was eating.

“Yeah, it’s good.” Hutch continued eating for a few minutes, then pushed his bowl away. “I can’t eat any more.” Hutch was struggling to keep his eyes open.

Starsky pushed back his chair and was on his feet and ready to assist. “Come on, buddy, let’s get you to bed.”

“Not yet, Starsk. We have to talk.”

“Hutch, you’re dead on your feet. We’ll talk as soon as you get some sleep. I promise we’ll talk.” Once Hutch was standing, Starsky guided him to the bedroom. Starsky was almost sure that Hutch was asleep before his head hit the pillow.

* * *

Starsky checked in with Dobey, then spent the rest of the afternoon watching TV, dozing off and on between programs.

When Starsky woke up, he was startled to see Hutch standing, gazing out the window. He seemed to be lost in thought, as he stared intently out onto the street below. “Hutch, what are you doing up already? You didn’t sleep very long.”

Hutch stood silently, not responding to Starsky’s question. Then never moving, almost as if he were unaware that Starsky had even spoken to him, he started to speak. “He’s watching me. He’s out there and he’s waiting for his chance.”

Starsky felt a chill run down his spine. “Hutch, who’s watching you?” Getting to his feet, he moved toward Hutch. Standing behind Hutch, he looked down onto the street. “Hutch, there’s no one out there.”

“I know he’s there. I’ve seen him; he’s watching me. And he knows that I’ve seen him.” Hutch’s voice sounded tired but matter of fact. “I think he’s playing games with me now.” He turned to look at Starsky, his face a mixture of fear and confusion.

“Hutch, come on and sit down and tell me what you’re talking about. Who’s watching you?” Taking Hutch by the arm, he moved him toward the couch, and he sat. Sitting down next to him, he took Hutch’s face in his hands and turned it so they were face-to-face, eye-to-eye. “Talk to me. What’s been going on here while I was gone?”

“Nothing much. I’ve just been hiding here in my apartment.” Starsky could hear a heavy dose of sarcasm in the blond’s voice. Hutch’s face showed the battle going on within him. Part of him wanting to get his fears out in the open and deal with them, and part of him wanting to just hide from everything.

“Why, Hutch? Please talk to me.” Starsky wanted nothing more at that moment than to pull Hutch tightly to him and promise that nothing would ever hurt him again.

“I never thought of myself as a coward before. I don’t understand why I’m acting this way.” Hutch clenched his hands as he talked, revealing the stress he was feeling.

“Start at the beginning and tell me what happened.” Starsky took hold of one of Hutch’s hands and smiled encouragingly. “You’ll feel better if you talk about it.”

“Feel better?” A nervous laugh escaped as Hutch shifted uncomfortably on the couch. “I don’t know about that, partner. Somehow, I don’t think telling you about the cowardly way I spent my week is going to make me feel better. Just thinking about what a gutless wimp I’ve become makes me sick to my stomach.” Hutch fought to keep his fragile shell of composure. The memories of the past week would haunt him for a long time. God, I was a real mess when Starsky got here. A drunken, filthy, pathetic mess–as bad as some of the drunks we’ve found huddled in alleys desperately needing a drink. How can Starsky stand to even be around me?

Starsky waited patiently, knowing Hutch would get around to telling him what had happened in his own time. But he didn’t know how much longer he could be patient. He had two ideas of what had happened whirling around in his mind, and he didn’t like either of them. He couldn’t help but hope that Hutch had a completely different reason for his downhill descent the past week. Maybe he had started having nightmares about Jake again. That might be easier to deal with than Hutch thinking a dead man was watching him. Was it possible that Hutch believed Jake was watching him? That might be better than Starsky’s second idea, that Nick was watching him. At least a dead man couldn’t hurt him. Well, at least not physically. Would Nick be that stupid or that crazy to come after Hutch again? So engrossed in his own worrisome thoughts, it took him a second to realize Hutch was speaking again. He felt the nauseating sinking of despair as what Hutch was saying sunk in.

“I told myself it wasn’t him that first day I thought I saw him in the park.” Hutch’s voice trembled, as he remembered his first encounter with Nick. “But then later, he was there again, and this time there was no doubt in my mind. It was Nick, and he looked me right in the eye.”

Starsky felt anger building in him. How dare Nick even think about coming near Hutch again? He knew he had to calm down and listen to Hutch. Hutch was his main concern; he would deal with Nick later. “Then what happened, Hutch?” Starsky needed to hear the whole story as much as Hutch needed to tell it.

“Then…I think I just sort of fell apart. I could hardly breathe, and my heart was pounding so hard I thought it might burst right through my chest. I’m not even sure how I made it home.” Hutch paused, “I think I crawled up the stairs.”

Starsky couldn’t stand it anymore. He reached out and pulled Hutch into his arms and hugged him tightly. “I’m sorry, I should have been here.” He stroked the pale, blond hair, wanting to tell Hutch how much he loved him. Explain how his feelings had changed lately into something he didn’t even understand himself. But he couldn’t do that. Not now. But at some point, he would have to be honest with Hutch.

Hutch regretfully pulled out of the safety and comfort of Starsky’s arms. “You shouldn’t be sorry, there was no reason for you to stay with me. I honestly don’t know how you can stand to be around me anyway. Starsky, I’m embarrassed that you’ve had to see me like this.”

“Of course there’s a reason for me to stay. I love you. You’re my best friend. There’s no place I would rather be than with you.”

“I love you, too.” This time Hutch reached for Starsky, pulling him into the circle of his arms. “Maybe I love you a little too much.” Hutch couldn’t explain why he’d said that or the way he was feeling right now. Was it possible to love someone too much? Or was the way he loved Starsky changing somehow?

“Hutch, please don’t be embarrassed. And I don’t believe it’s possible to love someone too much.” What did he mean by that anyway? “Go on, tell me about Nick. He didn’t come up here, did he?” Starsky didn’t even want to consider the possibility of Nick getting anywhere near Hutch again. He’s my brother, but I’m not sure I wouldn’t choke the life out of him if I could get my hands on him right now.

“No. He was outside, though, looking up at the window.” Hutch flinched just thinking about it. “Starsk, I totally lost it. It was awful. I couldn’t breathe, then I was sick to my stomach, and I just wanted to die. Hell, I was sure I was dying. Then I saw him standing out there, looking up at me. That’s when I crawled into a bottle…I guess you know the rest. I got awfully comfortable with that bottle. I hate myself for being such a coward. Why the hell do I let him scare me?” Hutch had moved away from Starsky and was now on his feet and back at the window.

Starsky reached for the phone, remembering how he had had to search for it earlier. “Hutch, did he call? Is that why the phone was off the hook and under the couch?” Watching Hutch once again stare down at the street, Starsky vowed he would make sure Hutch never had to go through anything like that alone ever again.

Hutch turned toward Starsky, shrugging his shoulders. “I’m not sure. The phone rang and I guess I freaked and shoved it under the couch. Bet you’re real proud of your partner, huh?” Watching as Starsky dialed the phone, Hutch asked, “Who you calling?”

“Dobey. I want someone watching your apartment round the clock. We’re gonna get Nick and end this whole thing.”

“No!” Hutch was across the room and grabbed the phone out of Starsky’s hand. “No, I don’t want anyone watching my apartment. I’ll handle this on my own. I’m going to have to face Nick myself, or live like a coward the rest of my life.”

“Hutch, don’t be crazy.” Starsky tried to get the phone away from Hutch.

“Don’t be crazy? Starsk, I have to do this my way. Don’t you think it’s time I tried fighting back again? I was nearly killed by Nick and Jake, then…raped by Jake. I just spent a week drunk and afraid to leave my apartment. I want my life back. And I think the only way that’s going to happen is if I settle this with Nick. Starsk…this is between Nick and me. Not you and Nick. You can’t do this for me. Promise me, you’ll let me handle this.”

Listening to Hutch, Starsky had to admit that he may have a point. Maybe Hutch does have to settle this with Nick himself to get some sort of closure. I don’t like it, though. Can I really promise I’ll stay completely out of it?

“Hutch, I understand what you’re saying and I can see that it’s important for you to handle this, but I can’t promise to stay completely out of it.” Despite his fears, Starsky was proud that Hutch was ready to stand up for himself and work through his fear. “I’ll try. I promise I’ll try. But, Hutch, he’s my brother, and this all started because of me. I know…I know it’s not my fault, but put yourself in my position. Can you tell me you wouldn’t feel any responsibility?”

“I’d probably feel the same way you’re feeling, Starsk. But if you can’t let me do this on my own, you might as well just lock me up here. I’m begging, at least let me try, Starsky, please.”

Starsky stood quietly, not sure if the lump in his throat would even allow him to speak. “Do what you have to do.” Reaching out, Starsky touched Hutch’s cheek. Hutch’s face was lined with fatigue. The week of terror had taken its toll. But his face also showed a renewed determination to take control once again, to fight back. “I’m proud of you, buddy. Real proud.” Starsky’s voice broke with huskiness. His emotions were running rampant.

Hutch grasped the hand that was resting on his cheek and squeezed it lightly. “Thanks, buddy. Hearing you say you’re proud of me means a lot to me.” Hutch reluctantly let go of Starsky’s hand. Changing the subject before their emotions went totally out of control and they were crying like a couple of babies seemed like a good idea. “I’m going to go take some more aspirin.”

“I’ll get you some,” Starsky said, as he started toward the bathroom.

“I can manage it, Starsky. Remember I’m only hung over, not dying. Why don’t you get out of here and give Stacey a call? I’m sure you’d have a lot more fun with her than you would if you stick around here and watch me sleep.” Just saying Stacey’s name, Hutch felt a small flicker of jealousy.

Starsky turned back to his partner and tried to think of a response.

“Starsk? Something wrong?”

“Huh? Oh, no, nothing’s wrong. I just think I’m going to cool things with Stacey.” Starsky tried to sound normal. How do I explain that suddenly I’m more attracted to my partner than to a pretty female?

“You’re not serious, are you? I thought things were going really well between the two of you.” Hutch studied his partner’s face, totally baffled at this change in Starsky’s attitude toward Stacey. “I seem to recall you giving me a rather vivid description of one of your dates. Sounded like you were enjoying yourself a lot. What happened?”

“Heck, even I know that a good relationship needs more than good sex.”

“You do?” Hutch couldn’t resist the slight teasing. “I thought the two of you had a lot of fun together.”

“We do have fun and the sex is good, but I just don’t think it’s enough. Okay? I really don’t want to discuss this now.”

“Okay.” Hutch shrugged. “But sex and fun sound pretty damn good to me.” Hutch continued on into the bathroom for the aspirin.

When Hutch returned, he found Starsky waiting for him. “Hey, Hutch, would it be okay if I crashed on your couch tonight? Just for tonight, okay?”

“What? You want to babysit me one more night?” Hutch’s tone was light and teasing.

Starsky relaxed, he had been afraid Hutch would be angered by his request. “Actually, it’s more for me than you. I…well, damn it, is it so wrong of me to want to make sure you get some undisturbed sleep? I mean, especially after what you’ve been through.”

Hutch had a hard time not laughing at his stammering partner. “Starsk, the couch is all yours. Now I’m going to get some of that undisturbed sleep you were talking about.” At the bedroom door, Hutch paused and turned around. “Thanks. It’ll be nice to sleep with the lights off for a change.”

The next morning, Starsky quietly made himself some coffee and toast. He would stop at his place for a shower and change of clothes before heading in to work.

Taking a quick look at his sleeping partner before he left, Starsky had to smile at the sight of his blond friend. He looked like an innocent little boy. His fine golden strands of hair fanned out across the pillow, as he slept peacefully. Innocent? Peaceful? What little innocence you might have had left after these years as a cop, Jake quickly destroyed, didn’t he? And you’ve certainly had very little peace in your life lately.

Knowing full well he should be going so he wouldn’t be late for work, Starsky eased himself onto the bed. Starsky grinned to himself. Hutch was so wrong. Watching Hutch sleep was fun.

Pulling the blanket up around Hutch, Starsky leaned down and, without thinking, placed a gentle kiss on his sleeping friend’s forehead. Recognizing that he may have pushed things a little too far, he held his breath waiting to see if Hutch was going to wake up and punch him. Sorry, babe, but my feelings seem to be moving too fast for me to control. I’ve got to face it; I’m in love with you.

Forcing himself to his feet and taking one last look at the sleeping man on the bed, he turned and left the apartment.

* * *

Hutch opened his eyes and lay quietly, listening to the silence of the apartment. Glancing at the clock on the nightstand, he realized it was so quiet because Starsky had been at work for the last three hours. I must have been more exhausted than I thought.

As he stretched, the thought of just rolling over and going back to sleep crossed his mind. Then he remembered he had things to do, plans to make. He was going to start taking back control of his own life today. Easier said than done.

After downing several cups of the now very strong coffee Starsky had made earlier that morning, Hutch pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt. Making a quick trip to the bathroom, he splashed some cold water on his face and made a hasty brush of his teeth. Locating his running shoes that had been discarded haphazardly over a week ago, he was ready for his morning run. A little later than usual, but better late than never.

Hand on the doorknob, he felt himself hesitate…the same old fears and uncertainties trying to take control again. Taking a deep breath and swallowing hard, he turned the knob and pulled open the door. He headed down the stairs, trying not to think. Outside he glanced around, but saw no sign of Nick.

Twenty minutes later, a sweating but triumphant Hutch was back in front of his building. He felt good. Running always helped relieve his tension. The sunshine and fresh air felt especially nice after being confined inside for a week. Before going in, his eyes scanned the area one more time, but once again, no sign of Nick. Did seeing Starsky here scare you, Nick?

Determined to give Nick every possible chance to make a move, Hutch was in and out all day. After his run, he headed to the gym. Later he did some shopping, then after dinner he took a walk. But saw no sign of Nick.

The rest of the week had passed much the same way…Hutch always making a point to be as visible as possible to Nick. The terror of the previous week had begun to fade some. The thought that Nick was still out there somewhere left Hutch feeling very vulnerable. A feeling he didn’t like at all.

Hutch had insisted, much to Starsky’s dismay, that Starsky not come around as much as usual. He didn’t want anything to keep Nick from making his next move. He also wanted to avoid a confrontation between the two brothers. The waiting was getting to Hutch. He didn’t know how much more he could take and he missed having Starsky around.

After some gentle prodding from Starsky, Hutch had rescheduled the appointment he had missed last week with Dr. Hanson. Yesterday had been his first visit. It was waste of time as far as he was concerned. He couldn’t bring himself to open up, so what was the point? Next the doctor would probably want to talk about why Hutch couldn’t open up. A total waste of time. But if it made Starsky happy, he’d go along with it.

* * *

Starsky pulled into a parking place just down the block from Hutch’s apartment. He had been involved in his own little stakeout for days now. He knew he had promised Hutch he’d stay out of it, but he just couldn’t take a chance on anything else happening to his partner.

Starsky had parked in the same spot the last few nights–just far enough from Hutch’s that he could go unnoticed. His eyes rarely left the front of Hutch’s building. A couple of times, he had observed Hutch standing near the window. The solitary figure staring into the darkness always brought a feeling of deep sadness to Starsky. What is he thinking about as he stares into the darkness? Is he still tormented by memories of what Nick and Jake had put him through? Is he realizing my feelings toward him are changing? Does the thought disgust him? Am I crazy to even think about Hutch in this way after what Jake did to him? Even if the idea didn’t disgust him, would he be able to handle a change like that?

Starsky yawned and stretched, then glanced at his watch. The lights in Hutch’s apartment had been out for a while now. Everything appeared to be quiet. Time to go home and get a few hours of sleep before dragging himself into work tomorrow. He hoped Nick would make his move soon, before Hutch or Dobey caught on to what Starsky was doing. Taking one last tour around Hutch’s building, Starsky started the engine and pulled slowly out onto the street.

* * *

Nick Starsky sat back against the headboard of the bed. He’d been hiding out in this dingy little room for far too long now. He had never intended to be stuck in this dump for as long as he had been. Damn Jake. Damn him for screwing up things so badly. Hutchinson is still alive and big brother is doing the attentive, concerned routine. Never once have I been on the receiving end of that kind of love. Maybe I need to remind him who his true brother is. With Jake dead, it’s up to me now to finish this once and for all.

Getting up from the sagging bed, Nick moved across the room to an old dresser. Pulling open the top drawer, he reached in and took out a Smith and Wesson 9-mm automatic. Just like big brother. Kind of fitting that your partner is going to get it with a gun just like yours. Nick smiled to himself as he made his way back to the bed. He placed the gun on the bedside table and patted it lovingly, as he resumed his place on the threadbare blanket that covered the dirty mattress. Soon, Hutchinson. Very soon. Smiling at the thought of being rid of his brother’s partner, he turned off the light and settled down, quickly drifting off to sleep.

* * *

The alarm shattered the quiet of the early morning. Starsky groaned as he pushed the button to silence the alarm. Damn it, Hutch, why do you have to be so stubborn? If we’d work together as partners instead of you being so determined to do this on your own, maybe I could get a few more hours of sleep.

Struggling to get his eyes open, Starsky headed to the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee. While the coffee was brewing, he took a hot shower. The hot water felt good, and he spent a couple of extra minutes just relaxing as the water flowed over him. But a tinge of uneasiness began to intrude. And the tinge quickly expanded into a sense of urgency. The feeling that Hutch needed him propelled him out of the shower and into his clothes.

Within minutes, he was in the Torino and headed toward Hutch’s. It couldn’t hurt to stop by his partner’s place on the way to work. He’d thought about calling him, but what he really needed was to see him.

* * *

Hutch sat on the edge of the bed, tying his shoes. Running was no longer the enjoyable experience it used to be. It had become more of a necessary job–something he had to do. He felt like a sitting duck, knowing that Nick was out there watching him and not knowing when he was going to make his move. Maybe I’m making a mistake not having Starsky watch my back. But I need to do this for myself. For myself…and Starsky. He doesn’t need the grief of being caught in the middle between Nick and me. No matter what, Nick is his brother.

Unable to park directly in front of Hutch’s building, Starsky found a place two buildings away and across the street. As he opened the door of the Torino, he spotted Hutch in front of his building. It was obvious he was about to set off for his morning run. Starsky’s eyes scanned the area as he slid out of the car. Despite seeing Hutch, he was unable to completely shake that lingering uneasy feeling. Noticing nothing that seemed in any way threatening to his partner, Starsky felt a little foolish. He’d have a hard time explaining his presence this early in the morning to Hutch.

Preparing to slide back into the car, he caught a glimpse of a familiar figure. Nick? Then Starsky’s eye caught the glint of a gun barrel. The realization that Nick stood across the street with a gun in his hand and–pointed at Hutch–propelled Starsky into action. He was out of the car and moving at a full run in the direction of his partner. He was unaware of anything but Hutch and the gun pointed at him.

Neither Hutch nor Nick were aware of the frantic figure rushing headlong into traffic in a desperate attempt to warn his partner. Instinctively, Starsky reached for his gun as he attempted to call out Hutch’s name. Before he could draw his gun and begin to form the words to warn Hutch, Starsky heard the screeching of tires as the driver tried desperately to bring his car to a stop. The last thing Starsky heard was the loud thud of the car slamming into his body. He was thrown over the hood of the car and landed against the curb.

Hutch stopped as he heard the commotion behind him. Turning around, he could only stare in stunned disbelief at the sight of the body lying at an awkward angle, half on and half off the sidewalk. “Starsky?” A small crowd was already beginning to gather. The driver of the car was crouched beside Starsky’s body. Hutch quickly made his way to his partner and knelt down, reaching fearfully to check for a pulse.

The flustered driver looked at Hutch with pleading eyes. “I tried to stop. Really, I tried to stop. Why did he run out into traffic like that?”

Relief washed over Hutch as he felt a pulse. The pulse wasn’t as strong as Hutch would have liked, but it was there. “He’s alive.” Looking at the driver, Hutch said, “Call an ambulance.” The driver quickly obeyed and was on his feet and heading for the nearest phone.

“Starsk…can you hear me? I’m here, Starsky. You’re gonna be okay.” Hutch was struggling to remain calm, but it wasn’t easy. He was terrified out of his mind. Starsky was so still and his head lay in a pool of blood. It was obvious that his head had hit the edge of the sidewalk. And from the looks of the side of his head it had hit hard. Please let him be okay. I can’t lose him, not now…not ever. Hutch pulled off his sweatshirt. He wanted to slide it under Starsky’s bleeding head that was resting on the hard concrete. But afraid to inflict any further damage, Hutch settled for gently holding the shirt against the open and bleeding gash, in an attempt to slow the bleeding.

“The ambulance is on its way.” Hutch looked up to see the anxious face of the driver.

“I need a blanket to cover him.” Hutch felt so helpless just waiting for the ambulance to arrive. The man nodded and headed off again.

The driver returned with a blanket, which Hutch took, grateful to have something to do. Gently placing the blanket over his partner, he leaned closer and whispered, “I’m right here, buddy. Help is on the way.” Why the hell did you run out in front of that car? You’re supposed to be at work. Hutch studied the pale and already bruising face of his partner. He’s so damn still. Hutch suddenly felt very much like he was going to fall apart any second. This can’t be happening. Gently patting the blanket covered arm of his friend, Hutch closed his eyes, willing himself not to give into the tears that were already slowly filling his eyes.

Hearing the sounds of sirens, Hutch leaned down and whispered, “It’s gonna be okay, Starsk. Help is almost here. You hang on, you hear me?”

Minutes later, the small crowd that had gathered had been moved aside, along with the driver and Hutch. The paramedics had found the blond a real handful to deal with. They had to forcibly move him out of the way. The look that passed between the paramedics as they examined the gash in Starsky’s head didn’t escape Hutch. Starsky was hurt bad. He stood anxiously watching, as the paramedics attended to Starsky. Quickly checking his vital signs, they placed an oxygen mask over his mouth. An IV was started, and Starsky was placed on a backboard. Padding was placed on either side of his head and then taped securely in place. Hutch swallowed hard as he looked down at his friend lying on the backboard with his head immobilized. Please don’t let him be seriously hurt.

“Detective Hutchinson?” Hutch took his eyes off Starsky to find a uniformed officer looking questioningly at him.

“Yes.”

“Is there anything I can do for you?” Obviously the officer knew him, but Hutch couldn’t place him.

“Huh…? Oh, no.” Hutch’s eyes quickly shifted back to Starsky.

“Is there anyone I can call for you?” The officer wanted to assist the detective in some way. Like many others in their precinct, this officer had a lot of respect for the team of Starsky and Hutchinson. He also knew how close the two detectives were. And right now, the blond half of the famed partnership looked ready to crumble. He had heard Hutchinson had been on a medical leave after being beaten and shot. From the looks of the detective now, if they didn’t get Starsky loaded into that ambulance and on his way to the hospital real soon, they would have another patient to attend to. “Detective…is there someone I can call?”

Hutch brought his attention back to the officer, but did so reluctantly. “Call? Oh…yeah… Dobey…Captain Dobey. Dobey should be called.” Hutch’s forlorn look told of his struggle to concentrate on what the officer was saying. “I gotta go with Starsky.” Hutch moved closer to the ambulance they were preparing to load Starsky into. Once Starsky and the paramedics were in the ambulance, Hutch stepped up to get in behind them. Before the paramedics could say anything, the officer had moved closer, getting their attention.

“That’s his partner. He should be with him.” The paramedic nodded and reached out to pull Hutch up and into the ambulance.

* * *

After arriving at the hospital, Hutch watched with a rising feeling of panic as the still unconscious Starsky was wheeled away. Part of him wanted to not let Starsky out of his sight. What if this is the last time I see him alive? But the hospital staff had made it clear that this was as far he could go.

Feeling very alone and lost, Hutch glanced around, looking for the waiting room. God, how I hate hospitals.

“Hutch, how is he?”

Hutch turned at the sound of the familiar voice. Captain Dobey stood watching the blond detective. He knew how hard this had to be on him. The two detectives were close. Closer than most brothers.

“I don’t know. They just took him in.” Hutch gestured toward the closed doors.

“Come on, let’s go sit down in the waiting room.” Dobey put his hand on Hutch’s arm and guided him toward the waiting room at the end of the hall.

Hutch turned and looked at the closed doors once more and allowed himself to be led to the waiting room.

They sat in silence for a long time. Discreetly studying the young detective, Dobey could see the strain etched in the blond’s face. Starsky had assured him that Hutch was doing well and would soon be back to work. Now, with this in addition to everything else, Dobey couldn’t help wonder how Hutch would handle it all.

Unable to sit still any longer, Hutch got up and began to slowly pace the waiting room. Dobey watched, wishing he could find the words to give him some comfort…some hope. Hutch stopped in front of where Dobey sat. “He has to make it. I can’t lose him now.” The words were spoken softly and he hadn’t expected a response. Hutch resumed his pacing.

“Anyone here waiting for word on Mr. Starsky?”

Dobey shot to his feet, and Hutch abruptly stopped his pacing to stand in front of the somewhat imposing figure of the doctor.

“How is he?” Hutch’s eyes were begging for the news to be good. Dobey put a steadying hand on the blond’s shoulder to let him know he wasn’t alone.

“He’s one very lucky young man. He took a hard knock to his head. He has a concussion and is pretty banged up. He has a couple of broken ribs. But all in all, like I said, he’s a lucky man.” The doctor paused. “He’s been kind of restless, mumbling…calling for someone named Hutch…then Nick…then Hutch. He may be in and out of consciousness and confused for a while. We’re going to keep him here at least overnight.”

“Can I see him? Just for a few minutes?” Despite the relief hearing Starsky was going to be okay, Hutch knew he wouldn’t really believe it until he could see Starsky for himself.

“Okay, just for a few minutes. Then I suggest you go home and get some rest. You look like you could use some.”

“I will.”

“He’s on the fourth floor, room 411. Remember just for a couple of minutes. He needs his rest.”

“I’ll wait here for you and give you a ride back to your place,” Dobey said, as he watched the blond hurry toward the elevator.

Hutch tried to calm the building anger within him that had started when the doctor had mentioned Starsky mumbling about Nick. Nick…you bastard. You’re the reason Starsky was outside my place so early this morning. Why? What were you up to? Nick…you’re going to pay for this. I’m coming after you, Nick, and I’m going to get you. Count on it.

Hutch quietly pushed open the door to room 411 and stood, taking in the sight of his partner. His partner who was still alive. Moving to the side of the bed, Hutch sat down and pulled the chair closer to the bed. “You’re gonna be okay, buddy. Good thing you’ve got such a hard head.” Hutch didn’t care that his partner couldn’t hear him. It just felt good to be talking to him. “I’ve got to go now. There’s something important I need to take care of. I’ll be back later, though.”

* * *

Dobey pulled up outside Hutch’s apartment. “Try and get some rest before you go back to the hospital.”

“Yeah, I’ll do that. Thanks for the ride.” Hutch slid out of the car. He wasn’t anxious to prolong the conversation with Dobey. He didn’t want Dobey asking him too many questions right now, and he certainly didn’t want him bringing up the subject of Nick.

“You keep me informed of things okay, Hutch?”

“I will. Thanks again.”

Hutch watched as Dobey drove off, then hurried up to his apartment. Plans began to formulate in his mind the second he realized Nick was somehow involved in Starsky’s accident. Did your brother see you today, Nick? What did you have planned? Did he somehow stop you from carrying out your plans?

A quick shower and a change of clothes, and Hutch was almost ready. Retrieving his Magnum from the closet, Hutch slid it into his holster. Now he was ready. There was no way he was going looking for Nick Starsky without his gun.

His next stop would be Starsky’s place, where he would pick up a picture of Nick. He figured Nick was probably staying somewhere nearby. Nick had to know there was a warrant out for his arrest, which meant he’d want to stay out of sight, somewhere close. So Hutch intended to show Nick’s picture around the neighborhood and in some cheap hotels. No more waiting for Nick to make his move. That was my first mistake.

Outside, Hutch stood and looked around. He was taking no chances of Nick getting the drop on him. Satisfied that Nick didn’t seem to be in the area, he headed for his car.

Half an hour later, armed with the most recent photograph of Nick he could find, Hutch began canvassing the areas surrounding his apartment. He knew Nick wouldn’t dare be too close, but he’d bet he was within several blocks. He parked and walked to the next block, stopping and showing Nick’s photograph to people on the street. No one recognized him. He’s here, I know he is.

Moving further down the street, Hutch continued showing the photo, but with the same results. Not willing to give up, he continued on, crossing over to the other side of the street. Despite his belief Nick was in the area, he felt his spirits fall. He was hot, tired and hungry, and his anger at Nick was quickly rising. I should be with Starsky.

Wondering just how much more of this he could take, Hutch approached a man selling newspapers, and asked, “Maybe you can help me. You ever see this guy around here?” He held out the picture of Nick and watched as the man studied it. He was relieved to see a look of recognition spread across the weathered face.

“Sure, I’ve seen him around. Buys a paper from me every day.” He handed the photograph back to Hutch.

“Do you know where I can find him?” Hutch asked. He could feel the adrenaline kicking in. Could he really be only minutes away from finding Nick? And then what?

“Yeah, he lives down there.” The man pointed down the street to one of the seedier hotels. “Not exactly the friendly type. Bit on the mean side if you ask me.”

“Yeah, I know. We’ve met.” Hutch handed the man a twenty-dollar bill. “Thanks.”

“Hey, anytime, pal.” The man smiled as he shoved the twenty into his pocket. “Anytime.”

Hutch turned and headed down the street toward his car. His stomach was churning. He no longer thought about being hot, tired or hungry. But the anger was still present and building. Sliding into his car, images of the horrific things that had happened flashed through his mind. Nick and Jake…the beating…Jake…the rape…the fear he’d been living with…Starsky lying in a pool of blood. All these images fueled his anger.

Starting the car, he threw it into gear and sped off toward the hotel the man at the newsstand had pointed out. Nick Starsky, you’re gonna pay.

Roaring into the parking lot of the run down hotel, Hutch slammed on the brakes. He barely waited for the car to come to a complete stop before he was out and heading toward the hotel office. The man behind the desk stared, startled as Hutch slammed the door loudly behind him.

“What room is he in?” Hutch ground out the words as he shoved the picture of Nick in his face. Hutch’s vengeful tone was all the man needed to convince him he should divulge any and all information concerning the man in the picture.

“He’s…he’s in room 308.” The man nervously pointed toward the elevator.

“Just one more thing,” Hutch barked. “Get me the police on the phone–ninth precinct.”

“Yes, sir.” He quickly dialed the phone, keeping one eye on the madman that stood across the desk from him.

“Ask for Captain Dobey and give him this address. Tell him Detective Hutchinson needs back-up. You got that?” Without waiting for a reply, Hutch entered the elevator and punched the button for the third floor.

 

Part Six

Starsky opened his eyes and looked around. Then closed them again as he experienced the relentless pain in his head. Where the hell am I? What happened? I remember…I was going to Hutch’s. Nick…he had a gun. Where’s Hutch? I was trying to get to Hutch. A car…a car hit me. But where’s Hutch? Did Nick shoot Hutch?

Convinced Hutch’s absence meant only one thing, Starsky reached for the call button. He wanted answers now. No, he wanted Hutch now. Please, don’t let Nick… He couldn’t even finish what he was thinking. Grabbing hold of the side rail on the bed, he groaned as he pulled himself into a sitting position. Damn…broken ribs.

“Just what do you think you’re doing?” Starsky turned to find a nice, motherly looking nurse scolding him. “You are not to get out of that bed for at least twenty-four hours. Now let’s get you settled and then I’ll get you something for the pain.”

“No…I don’t want anything. I want to get out of here.”

“What seems to be the problem here?” Starsky recognized the doctor’s voice.

“Our patient seems to want to leave us, Doctor.” Despite Starsky’s protests, the nurse continued her attempts to get her patient settled comfortably.

“I need to know how my partner is.”

The doctor addressed Starsky. “Mr. Starsky, if you are referring to the tall blond that came in with you, other than being worn out from worry over you, he seems just fine. I assured him you would be all right and I sent him home to get some rest. Now you need to do the same. If everything goes okay, we’ll discharge you in the morning.”

Before Starsky could respond, he felt a needle slide into his arm. “That’s to help you sleep,” the nurse said as she patted his arm. “I’ll be back with something for the pain.”

“I’ll return in the morning to check on you, and if everything checks out all right, you can go home. If you have any questions or need anything, don’t hesitate to call me.” Starsky watched as the door closed behind the doctor.

Damn, I’ve got to talk to Hutch. I have to warn him about Nick. The sedative was already taking effect. Starsky could feel himself slipping into oblivion. The doctor said Hutch was going home to rest…what if Nick gets to him while he’s sleeping? Starsky drifted into sleep with the image of Nick, gun in hand, standing over a sleeping Hutch.

* * *

As the elevator doors opened and Hutch stepped out, he stood looking about wildly. He knew he should stop now. He should wait for back-up to arrive. But he couldn’t stop himself. Nick Starsky was his. I deserve this…I’ve earned it. It’s time for him to pay.

Hutch knew he was out of control, but didn’t care. Reaching room 308, he didn’t bother to knock; one swift kick and the door flew open. A very surprised Nick watched in horror, as the crazed detective lunged at him. Hutch went for his throat, fingers tightening firmly and then squeezing. Hutch’s opponent was not going to go easily, though. The rage in Nick matched Hutch’s, and, using all the strength he had, Nick managed to throw Hutch across the room. Before Hutch could react, Nick was on him, his fists pounding into the face he so hated. Nick’s own face turned red, as the veins in his neck stood out in livid ridges.

The taste of blood in his mouth and images of a beating weeks earlier, propelled Hutch to fight back with a vengeance. Now it was Nick on the receiving end, as Hutch’s fists connected with his body over and over. The sound of sirens in the distance told Nick it was now or never. He had to kill Hutchinson now. The adrenaline kicked in and he fought back with all his strength. He needed a chance to get to the gun he had left on the nightstand. Knowing time was running out for him, Nick grabbed the blond by the hair and began to slam his head repeatedly against the side of the dresser.

A dazed Hutch watched as Nick lunged at the nightstand. Realizing Nick was going for a gun Hutch fumbled for his Magnum, but before he could get it out of the holster, Nick fired a shot at him. The bullet slammed into the dresser just above Hutch’s leg. Trying to pull himself in closer to the dresser, Hutch took aim, but looking down at familiar brown curls caused his hand to tremble. We’re both sitting ducks here. It’s him or me.

Nick fired again. This time, the bullet grazed the side of Hutch’s head. Forced to return fire, Hutch fired two shots in Nick’s direction and watched as Nick’s body slumped across the bed.

Hearing the sound of help arriving, Hutch collapsed against the dresser, letting the Magnum fall from his hand. Staring at Nick’s body, the full realization of what had happened hit him, and a glazed look of despair spread over his face.

“Hutch, are you okay?” Hutch looked up to see his captain peering anxiously down at him.

“Captain, he’s dead,” one of the uniforms that had arrived with Dobey said, as he knelt next to Nick’s body.

Hutch groaned at hearing the officer’s words.

Dobey took a handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped at the blood on Hutch’s face. “Hutch, talk to me. Where are you hurt?”

“Hurt?” Hutch sighed heavily, his voice filled with anguish. “I just killed my best friend’s brother. I should hurt, don’t you think?” Hutch pulled himself to his feet, swaying slightly.

“Where are you going?” Dobey asked, reaching out a steadying hand.

“I’m going down to the station and write up my report. You won’t have to bother suspending me for this, Captain, I’ll turn in my resignation while I’m there.” Hutch pulled away from Dobey and, taking one last look at Nick’s body, left the room.

“Hutch, what about Starsky?” Dobey followed after him.

“What about him? I’m sure he won’t be in any hurry to see the guy who killed his brother.” Hutch turned, and Dobey could see the eyes darken with pain. “Tell him I’m sorry, and as soon as I get up the courage to face him, I’ll be by to see him.”

* * *

Captain Dobey made his way down the corridor to Starsky’s room. He wasn’t looking forward to this visit. He’d never gotten used to the heartbreaking task of notifying the next-of-kin of the death of a loved one, but this one would be the most difficult of all. It’s bad enough to be the one to tell Starsky his younger brother had been killed, but then to have to tell him his partner, his best friend, was the one responsible…

Dobey stood outside Starsky’s room, trying to find the right words, even though he knew there were no right words for something like this. This was going to be rough on Starsky, but after the initial shock, Hutch–as always–would be Starsky’s main concern. Dobey had always known that the bond between Starsky and Hutch was closer than most brothers. The relationship between Nick and Starsky had been strained for some time, and Dobey could only assume that it had gone downhill with Nick’s involvement in the attack on Hutch. Dobey sighed heavily as he pushed open the door to Starsky’s room. So much for both of them to deal with.

Starsky’s eyes flew open, expecting to see Hutch coming through the door. He was more than a little surprised to instead see their captain. “Hey, Captain, thought you might be Hutch.”

“Sorry, Starsky, it’s just me.” Dobey moved closer to the bed. “How are you feeling?”

“I have one terrific headache and I’m sore all over, but other than that, I guess I just feel pretty lucky.”

Lucky? God, this is so hard. Dobey began to pace, still struggling to find the right words.

“Where’s Hutch? I thought he’d be here by now.”

Dobey swallowed hard, feeling the sweat run down his neck. “Starsky…I wish there was an easy way to tell you this….”

The look on Dobey’s face sent a cold chill down Starsky’s spine. Hutch…Nick got to Hutch. “Captain, talk to me. You’re scaring the hell out me here. What happened…where’s Hutch?”

Dobey could see the fear in Starsky’s eyes and knew it was time to tell him. “Dave, I’ve got some bad news for you. There was a shooting, and your brother Nick was…killed.” Dobey took a handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped his face.

“Nick’s dead?” Starsky was stunned. He didn’t know how to feel. “What happened?” Starsky’s mind was trying hard to grasp what Dobey had said. It’s Nick that’s dead, not Hutch….

“Starsky, I’m really very sorry for your loss.” Dobey watched the conflicting emotions playing across Starsky’s face. “Is there anything I can do for you? Would you like me to notify your mother?”

“Where’s Hutch?” Starsky knew something wasn’t right about this situation. “What happened?”

“Starsky, I don’t have all the details yet. I only know that somehow Hutch tracked down your brother in a hotel a few blocks from where Hutch lives. It seems there was a fight and shots were fired.”

“So, Hutch shot and killed Nick. Where’s Hutch?”

“He said he was going down to the station to fill out his report….”

“Captain, is Hutch okay? Why didn’t he come here first?”

“He’s feeling pretty bad, Starsky.”

“I’ve got to see him. We need to talk.” Starsky threw the blanket aside and began the slow and painful process of getting out of bed.

“Starsky, you stay put in that bed. I’ll go talk to Hutch.”

“No deal, Captain. It’s me that Hutch needs. We need each other. If you want to help, just get me my clothes and help me get to Hutch.”

“I suppose it’s pointless to argue with you,” Dobey said, looking around for Starsky’s clothes. “I’ll let them know you’re leaving, and I’ll call the station to see if Hutch is still there.”

After Dobey left the room, Starsky sat on the bed and let the tears he had been struggling to control slide down his face. Nicky’s dead…my little brother. This is gonna kill ma. What the hell happened to change you so much, Nick? I gotta call ma and tell her.

Pulling himself together, Starsky finished dressing, then dialed the phone. He couldn’t put it off any longer. This would be the hardest phone call he’d ever had to make.

* * *

Pulling up outside Hutch’s for the second time that day, Dobey hoped this would be the end of the pain for these two for some time. They had been through more than their share in the last few months. “Starsky, if either of you need anything, you call. I mean that.”

“Thanks, thanks for everything.” Starsky patted Dobey’s arm. “You’re a good friend.”

Dobey watched as Starsky slowly made his way to the entrance of Hutch’s building. It was obvious that he was in pain. Darn, stubborn fool should be in the hospital. But they’ll take care of each other.

* * *

Every step Starsky took up the stairs caused his ribs to hurt. By the time he got to the top of the stairs, he was exhausted. He took a few seconds to catch his breath and then knocked on the door. No answer. He knocked louder this time. Still no answer. Fumbling in his pockets, he came up with his keys. Letting himself in, he found the apartment empty. No sign of Hutch.

Where the hell are you, Hutch? They told Dobey you had left the station. Starsky’s head was pounding and his ribs throbbed with every little movement. Realizing it had been some time since he had had anything for pain, he reached for the bottle of pain pills in his jacket. Settling himself on Hutch’s couch, he waited for the medication to take effect. A nap sounded good, but he wanted to be awake when Hutch finally arrived. Checking his watch, he found it was getting late. A lot had happened since he had left home this morning. Where are you, Hutch?

* * *

Hutch shuffled along the sidewalk. He had been walking for hours now. He knew he should go home. Go home and what? Call Starsky and tell him how sorry I am? Gee, Starsky, I’m really sorry I killed your brother today. What the hell was I thinking, going after Nick like that? I should have just called Dobey and told him where Nick was. Did part of me really want to kill him?

Hutch continued his aimless walking until he realized it was beginning to get dark. Looking around to see where he had wandered to, he realized he was just a few blocks from home. Picking up the pace, he knew it was time to go home.

Opening the door, Hutch was surprised to find the lights on. And even more surprised to hear, “It’s about time you got home.” Starsky sat on the couch rubbing his eyes. “I’ve been waiting for you.”

“Why aren’t you in the hospital?” Hutch said as he moved past the couch and toward the kitchen. He couldn’t bring himself to look Starsky in the eye.

“I got tired of waiting for you to come and see me.” Starsky watched with a sinking heart, as his friend marched past him. “I think we need to talk.”

“What’s to talk about?” Hutch stood head down. “The only thing I can say is, I’m sorry. Sounds pretty inadequate to say to someone whose brother you’ve just shot and killed, don’t you think?”

“How can the truth be inadequate? Do you really think I would believe that you wanted to kill Nick?” Starsky started to get to his feet, but changed his mind when his ribs protested.

“Starsky, you should be in the hospital.” Hutch was quickly at his partner’s side, adjusting the pillows. “Is that any better?”

“No, I shouldn’t be in the hospital. I should be right here with you.” Starsky patted the couch, “Sit down.”

Hutch hesitated, then eased himself down on the couch, trying not to cause Starsky any additional pain. “I am sorry…if there was any way I could undo it, you know I would… God, I can’t believe I killed your brother.” Hutch’s chest heaved as he struggled to hold himself together.

“Hutch, it wasn’t your fault. I’m sorry Nicky’s dead. It’s gonna take some time to accept all that’s happened. But I know it wasn’t your fault. If you’re looking for forgiveness…there is nothing to forgive.” He reached out and took Hutch’s hand. “Look at me…. It’s not your fault.”

Hutch’s hand now clenched Starsky’s tightly. “Not my fault…nothing to forgive….” Hutch seemed to almost choke on the words. “I don’t even know what I was thinking today. Everything seemed to happen so fast. It scared the hell out of me when that car hit you. And when the doctor said you were mumbling something about Nick and a gun, I think I just sort of snapped.” Hutch pulled away from Starsky, got to his feet, and moved toward the window.

“Hutch, don’t you think it was kind of understandable that after all you’ve been through you might react that way?”

“Right. That’s what all the killers say–‘I couldn’t take anymore…I was pushed too far.’ We’ve never believed that was an excuse have we?” Hutch turned to look at his partner.

“No, we’ve never believed that. But neither have we ever sat and waited for someone to kill us. You and I both know Nick was planning to kill you. There was a warrant out for his arrest. No one can blame you for what happened. You found him, things got out of hand, and it was you or him.” Starsky struggled to his feet, wanting to be closer to Hutch.

Seeing the pain that flashed across his partner’s face, Hutch was reminded who the real victim had been that day. “Starsk, you need to rest. Come on, let me help you get settled in bed.” Hutch put an arm around Starsky’s waist and proceeded toward the bedroom. Hutch took it slow and was as gentle as he could be, easing Starsky down onto the bed, but he still heard a small whimper of pain. “Damn, you should have stayed in the hospital.” Reaching down, Hutch removed his partner’s shoes and socks. “Better?”

“Yeah, that’s good.”

Hutch busied himself making Starsky as comfortable as possible. “Can I get you anything?” He pulled the blanket up around his friend. “Something for the pain maybe?” Hutch could tell Starsky was hurting.

“There’s a bottle out in the other room in my jacket pocket.”

“I’ll get it.” Hutch started to leave to retrieve the bottle of pills, but Starsky reached out and grabbed his hand.

“Wait a minute, Hutch.” Starsky pulled him toward the bed. “Sit down for just a minute.”

“Starsk…”

“Just listen for a minute, okay?” He noticed the dried blood and bruising where the bullet had grazed the side of Hutch’s head. Starsky slowly shook his head, as he gently touched Hutch’s face. “You could have been killed today.”

Hutch pulled away from his partner’s touch. “Would you stop it…please?”

“Stop what?”

“Stop worrying about me. Stop trying to make me feel better. I shot and killed your brother. ‘Nothing to forgive,’ you tell me.” Hutch was on his feet, emotions running high. “You explain to me how I’m supposed to forgive myself?” Hutch turned to leave the room. “I’ll get your pills.”

Starsky sighed and closed his eyes. Damn, he hurt. But it wasn’t the physical pain as much as the overwhelming grief. Grief for his brother and his mother. And grief for Hutch. Letting out another long sigh, Starsky opened his eyes to see Hutch standing in the doorway watching him.

“Here’re your pills.” Hutch moved closer and handed him the tablets along with a glass of water. “Starsk…I’m sorry. You get some sleep, and in the morning I’ll help you make the necessary arrangements. I don’t mean to make things harder for you. I hope you know that.”

A huge lump formed in Starsky’s throat as he listened to Hutch. “Hey, it’s okay. You look like you could use some sleep, too. How’s your head?” The sight of where the bullet had grazed Hutch’s head brought a pained look to Starsky’s face. He could have died. And he would never have known about my feelings for him.

“I’m okay, Starsk.” Hutch opened the closet and pulled out a pillow and blanket. “If you need anything, just yell. I’ll be out on the couch.”

Starsky, with tears in his eyes, watched as his friend left the room.

* * *

Starsky tried to get comfortable in his seat, but his ribs prevented any real relief. His plane would be taking off any minute, and with a little luck he could catch a nap. Yesterday had been spent making the arrangements for Nick’s body to be sent home. Hutch had handled everything, including all the expenses. Not only had he paid for Nick’s body to be sent home and Starsky’s plane ticket, but also had insisted on paying for the funeral. Starsky had tried to refuse, but Hutch had held firm. Fastening his seatbelt for takeoff, Starsky leaned back and closed his eyes. He wished Hutch was making the trip with him, but he had understood when Hutch had quietly announced that he didn’t feel he could handle going to the funeral. Starsky knew how tough it had been for Hutch to face him; he could only imagine how hard it would be for him to deal with his mother. I know it will be difficult for me to face her. Sort of feel like I let her down not taking better care of Nicky. Within minutes of takeoff, Starsky had fallen asleep.

* * *

Hutch had waited for Starsky’s plane to take off before leaving the airport. It felt strange to be driving the Torino, but Starsky, in his typical fashion, had insisted on going to the airport in his car. For a brief second, it had seemed like old times. Now sliding into the Torino, Hutch felt nothing but sadness and grief. Would things ever be the same?

* * *

Hutch paced the living room. He found himself at loose ends without Starsky. Starsky had been gone for eight days now. Deep down, Hutch knew he should have faced up to things and gone with Starsky to the funeral. Does making the arrangements for Nick’s body to be sent home, and paying for Starsky’s plane reservation and the funeral, really make up for not being there?

Starsky had quietly accepted it when Hutch told him he wouldn’t be going with him. But he hadn’t so quietly accepted the check for Nick’s funeral expenses. Despite the fact that Starsky knew Hutch had money from his family that just sat in the bank, he didn’t feel right taking money from Hutch. But Hutch had insisted and held firm, so Starsky finally gave in, but not without a bit of a battle. What was I thinking? Paying for the funeral expenses will never make up for taking the life of his brother.

Sitting down, he picked up a book he had started weeks ago, and tried to get involved in it. But it was no use. His mind kept drifting back to his partner. Starsky had called him every day since he’d left. It was always good to hear his reassuring voice. And it was relief to know that Starsky seemed to be holding up well. I wonder what Starsky would think if he knew how close I came to drinking myself into oblivion after his plane left? Guess the important thing is, I settled for one beer and then put in a call to Dr. Hanson. I think it might be helping a little, too. It should, all the time I’ve been spending with the doctor. Starsky wouldn’t believe it. I’ve been to see Dr. Hanson four times since he left. Hell…I can’t believe it.

Tossing the book down on the table, Hutch looked at the phone. The idea of spending the evening alone had become very unappealing. He needed to feel the warmth of another person. He had spent too much time alone already. Maybe I’ll see if Ann is free for dinner. Probably not much chance of her having dinner with me since I haven’t called her in months, but it’s worth a try. He dialed her number with a trembling hand, holding his breath as he listened to the ringing of the phone. The phone was picked up on the third ring.

“Hello,” a female voice answered.

Struggling to find his voice, Hutch managed a weak, “Hello.” Get on with it, Hutchinson. “Ann, it’s Ken. Ken Hutchinson.”

“Ken, it’s good to hear from you. I heard you’d been injured. I would have come by, but Dave said you needed lots of rest.”

Hutch smiled, picturing Starsky in the role of mother hen. “Well, I think I’ve had about all the rest I can handle for a while. I don’t even need the services of Nurse Starsky anymore.” He heard Ann chuckle on the other end of the line.

“Yeah, Dave sounded like one tough nurse.”

“Look, I know it’s short notice, but is there any chance you’d have dinner with me tonight?” Once again, Hutch found himself holding his breath. He wasn’t sure if he was more afraid she would say no, or more afraid of her saying yes.

“Ken, it just so happens that I am free tonight and I would love to have dinner with you. I’ve missed you.”

The trembling in his hands increased as he considered the fact that Ann had just agreed to have dinner with him. “That’s great. How about seven o’clock?” As he hung up the phone, he smiled. I did it.

* * *

Unable to deal with the thought of Hutch alone after all that had happened, Starsky changed his return flight to an earlier one. Starsky knew his mother had friends and relatives to help her cope. But Hutch was all alone. Not wanting to argue with Hutch about his early return home, he decided to just surprise him.

As the cab pulled up outside Venice Place, Starsky smiled at the sight of his Torino. Then he noticed Hutch’s car was gone. He paid the cab driver, patted his beloved Torino and headed through the door and up the stairs. After letting himself into Hutch’s apartment, he made himself at home. With beer in hand, he planted himself on the couch and settled in to watch some TV while he waited for Hutch.

I wonder what he’s up to tonight. The two of us are going to have to have a long talk. But first, I need to know what’s going on in that mind of his. Can he handle what I have to tell him? Can I handle it if he doesn’t feel the same way? And why should he feel the same way? Hutch has always loved women. Hell, I’ve always loved women. Maybe I shouldn’t say anything yet. What if my feelings aren’t really what I think they are? I mean, what if this is just a temporary thing. Maybe just a result of my concern for Hutch the last few months. Damn, now I’m starting to confuse myself.

Getting up to get another beer, he checked his watch. It was almost midnight. Trying not to worry, he wondered where Hutch could be. He’s a grown man, and I’ve got to stop this constant worrying about him. He can take care of himself. And that’s what he wants to do…take care of himself. My worrying is not doing either of us any good. Maybe I should just go home and call him in the morning. Surprising him might not have been such a good idea. Just then, Starsky heard a key in the door, and he felt somewhat awkward sitting there like he was waiting up for his partner.

“Starsk…what are you doing here?” Hutch appeared taken back by the fact that Starsky was sitting in his living room.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. I had this sudden urge to get home and hopped on the first available flight. Guess I should have called to let you know.”

“No, it’s okay. I’m glad you’re home…I’ve missed you.” Hutch’s face showed such a mixture of emotions, and Starsky couldn’t tell for sure what Hutch was feeling.

“I’ve missed you, too. You okay?” As soon as he uttered the words, he was sorry. Damn, why did I ask if he was okay? I always sound like I think something’s wrong and he won’t be able to handle it. But he does look like kind of…strange…tormented?

“I’m fine. Did you save me any beer?” Hutch moved toward the kitchen.

Starsky watched his partner, still trying to figure out what was going on with him.

Hutch returned with beer in hand and sat down next to Starsky. “How are you doing? How’s your mother?” Now it was Hutch’s turn to study Starsky’s face. Is he really okay?

“Hutch, I’m fine. And my mother’s fine. She’s known for some time now that Nick was heading for big trouble. I think she sort of expected something like this.”

“Yeah, she mentioned that on the phone. That was really nice of her to call. She didn’t have to do that.” Hutch had been surprised when Mrs. Starsky had called. She had wanted Hutch to know that she didn’t blame him for Nick’s death.

Starsky didn’t want to talk about his mother or his brother right now. He wanted to ask where Hutch had been, but he didn’t want to sound like he was prying.

Hutch got up and took his empty beer bottle to the kitchen.

Starsky knew Hutch was just going through the motions. Hutch said what he felt was expected of him, and answered what he thought Starsky wanted to hear. It was clear that something was troubling Hutch. Was it Nick? Was he unable to let it go?

“Hutch, you’re not still blaming yourself about Nick’s death are you?” Starsky had held back as long as he could.

“I’m dealing with it, Starsky. Really I am,” Hutch answered with an abrupt tone. “Damn, I’m sorry.” Hutch’s tone was now apologetic. “I shouldn’t take my bad mood out on you. It may not seem like it, but I am glad you’re home. I really have missed you.” Hutch sat back down on the couch next to Starsky. Sighing deeply, he leaned his head back against the couch. Looking over at Starsky, Hutch said, “Seems like I take one step forward and two steps backward.”

“Life is like that sometimes, Hutch. Sooner or later you’ll quit going backwards.” Starsky patted Hutch’s arm. “Wanna talk about it?”

“You amaze me sometimes, Starsk. How do you do it? Why do you do it?”

“Hutch, what are you talking about? Why do I do what?” a puzzled Starsky asked.

“Put up with me. Haven’t you wanted to just walk away from me and my constant stream of problems?”

“No, you mean too much to me to ever do something like that.” Starsky’s voice had softened. “You’ve always been there for me, why wouldn’t I do the same for you? Let me ask you something. Would you walk away from me?”

“No…not ever…but I’ve been so much trouble for you.”

Starsky grinned, “Yeah, you’ve been some trouble, no doubt about that. But I love you.” For a second, Starsky had the urge to tell Hutch just how much he loved him. But he knew now was not the time. “Do you want to talk about whatever it is that has so you looking a little like you’ve lost your best friend? Which, of course, we both know will never happen.”

Hearing those words, even Hutch had to smile. But then the smile left his face. “I think I was starting to feel like I needed someone…something, I don’t know. Just lonely maybe.” Hutch took a deep breath and then was silent.

Starsky waited, knowing Hutch would do this at his own pace. I should have been here for him.

“I should have just gone to Huggy’s for a burger and a couple of beers.” Hutch stood up, and Starsky knew the pacing was about to start. “But I needed more than that. I wanted to be close to someone, to feel some human warmth.” Hutch stopped his pacing and turned to look at Starsky. “Was that so wrong?” Starsky felt as if he had been stabbed in the heart. It hurt to hear Hutch sounding so empty…so broken.

“No, Hutch, nothing wrong with that.” Starsky found it hard to speak around the lump that had suddenly appeared in his throat.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. I should have known better, though.” Hutch’s tone was filled with contempt.

“Sit down, Hutch.” Starsky motioned to the vacant spot next to him on the couch.

Hutch sank down onto the couch. Starsky could see all the pain of the past few months in the blue eyes that stared sadly in his direction. “Go on, Hutch, tell me what happened.”

Starsky watched as Hutch’s body stiffened and his face became flushed.

“I had dinner with Ann…and…things were…going well.” Hutch could hear the nervous stammer he hated so much. “I thought I could handle it…. How could…I have been so wrong? It was so humiliating…” Hutch looked as if he might bolt from the room at any second.

Starsky felt a small stab of jealousy at the thought of Hutch with Ann. He quickly pushed it aside as Hutch turned away, trying to hide the embarrassment that had turned his face a deep shade of red.

“Hutch, don’t look away. Hey? What is it? It’s me you’re talkin’ to. It can’t be that bad.”

“Yes it can! Starsk…I couldn’t…it wouldn’t…I’m afraid to take a woman to bed anymore…. Humiliation isn’t my idea of a nice time…and what if I can never…? Damn it!”

“Hutch, it’s okay. It happens to everyone.”

“Not to me. It’s never happened to me before.”

“But, Hutch, think about what you’ve been through. I’d be more surprised if you didn’t show some effects of all that’s happened to you.” Starsky hated to see Hutch beating himself up over something like this. Something that he was sure was only a temporary problem. Something that Starsky knew was not unusual under the circumstances.

Hutch’s face showed confusion, as if he were tying to work out something in his mind. “Starsky, do you remember that morning…?” The nervous stammer was back. “You know…that morning when you…lent a helping hand, so to speak?” Hutch’s red face showed his embarrassment.

“Yeah, I remember. Why?” Starsky asked.

“It’s…well, it’s just…that everything seemed to be working fine then.” Hutch nervously ran his hand through his somewhat shaggy blond hair.

Starsky wondered where Hutch was going with this line of conversation. Is this the chance I’ve been waiting for? Do I tell him about my feelings now?

“Starsk, I don’t know if I should say this or not, but I can’t keep it in anymore. I think I might have liked it a little too much. I’ve been having some strange thoughts since then.”

Hutch was on his feet and pacing again. Starsky watched as he moved toward the window. He spends an awful lot of time staring out of that window. It’s like he’s looking for something he’s lost.

Nick’s not out there anymore. The memories of standing there looking out and wondering where Nick was were still fresh in his mind. Hutch sighed deeply. “Starsk…I’m sorry about Nick. I wish things could have turned out differently.”

“I know that. We all wish things had turned out differently. But in the end, it was Nick who determined the outcome.” Don’t change the subject, Hutch. Tell me about those thoughts.

Needing to know what was going on in his partner’s mind, Starsky got up and moved to the window. Standing behind Hutch, he reached out and gently massaged the blond’s tense shoulders. “Talk to me, Hutch. Tell me what you’ve been thinking.”

“I don’t know if I can. Don’t know if I should.” Hutch’s voice had become a whisper.

Hands still gently massaging Hutch’s shoulders, Starsky slowly turned him around so they were facing each other. “Would it help if I told you that I’ve been having some of those same feelings?”

“I don’t believe you.” Hutch stared at his partner, trying to determine if Starsky was playing some kind of game with him.

“Hutch, I’ve been wanting to say something to you about it, but I didn’t want to make things any harder for you than they already were. But it’s the truth. I quit seeing Stacey because of it. It wasn’t fair to be making love to her and thinking of you.”

Hutch moved away from Starsky, as if trying to give himself some distance. “Do you understand any of this? Why…why now?”

“I’m not sure anyone ever really understands love. It just happens. Men and women can be just friends for years and then suddenly realize they are in love with each other. And we’ve always loved each other; it’s just changed to a deeper love.” Starsky’s legs were trembling and his hands were sweaty. Things were out in the open now, but he still didn’t know what Hutch was really feeling.

Suddenly Hutch felt as if his legs might give out on him. “I think I better sit down.”

“Hutch, relax, huh?” He looks like he could pass out on me any second now. “You okay, buddy?”

“I’m okay. Starsk…these feelings…are you okay with them?” Hutch took a deep breath and tried to calm down.

“Yeah, I am. Earlier tonight I was wondering if I was feeling the way I am because of all the worry and concern about you. Maybe I was confused about my feelings. But tonight when you walked in here, I knew my feelings were real. I’m in love with you. How do you feel about that?” Starsky hoped he hadn’t pushed things too far.

“I think my shrink will be needing a shrink when he’s done with me.” A faint smile appeared on Hutch’s face, then suddenly, he grew serious. “I feel confused…happy…scared…happy. Happy is not something I really expected to feel again.”

“Happy’s good.” Starsky was feeling pretty happy just hearing Hutch say the word. “Maybe we can work on that confused and scared stuff together, huh?”

“I like the sound of that.” Hutch flashed a weary smile at his partner. “But I’m wondering…where do we go from here, partner?”

Starsky glanced at his watch. “How about we get some sleep? It’s after three o’clock. After a few hours’ sleep, we’ll be better able to decide where we go from here.”

“You’re not leaving, are you?” Hutch didn’t want to be alone with all these new emotions rushing through him.

Standing up, Starsky reached down and pulled Hutch to his feet. “Nope, I’m not going anywhere. Let’s go to bed. We’re both dead on our feet.”

Hutch stood, taking in the sight of Starsky. Trying to picture him as more than a friend and partner. It still seemed hard to believe that their relationship was about to change course so dramatically. Will it change so much? We’ve always loved each other. The only difference now will be that we’ll show that love in a physical way. And I do want that.

“Hey, are we going to bed or are you going to stand there and stare at me all night?” Not waiting for an answer, Starsky pulled Hutch into a hug. “Not having any second thoughts, are you?”

“No second thoughts.” Hutch allowed himself the luxury of being held in Starsky’s arms. This was what he had been craving for so long. Somehow, it felt right.

“Come on, buddy, we need some sleep.” Starsky hated to release his hold on Hutch, but they were both about to pass out from fatigue. “Go on, I’ll turn off the lights and lock up.”

Hutch undressed and slid under the covers. It had been an exhausting evening.

The apartment began to darken, as Starsky turned off the lights. He stood in the doorway of Hutch’s bedroom, noting how the soft light from the bedside lamp illuminated the fine, blond hair that streamed across the light blue pillowcase. The lines on Hutch’s face appeared to have softened, as if some of the pain of the last few months had eased somewhat. Love and hope for the future filled Starsky, as he gazed at the face of his partner. There was no doubt in his mind that he was in love with Hutch. All he hoped for in the future was that Hutch would find happiness. Of course, he hoped that some of the happiness would be the result of a relationship between the two of them. If Hutch will give me the chance, I’ll do my best to make him happy. That’s all I want is to make him happy and take care of him. And if at all possible, I want to keep him safe from any more pain. He’s been through enough.

Starsky undressed and slipped into bed beside his sleeping partner. Before turning off the light, he couldn’t resist once more studying Hutch’s face. God, how I love this man. I get such pleasure just from looking at him.

A shiver ran through Starsky and his pulse quickened. I want him so much. His fingers ached with wanting to reach out and caress the blond. Not now. Don’t rush this. Give him time.

Hutch stirred and rolled onto his side. Sighing, Starsky reached out and turned off the light. He needed to be close to Hutch and so he spooned himself against his partner, wrapping his arms tightly around him. Hutch didn’t seem to mind as he snuggled in closer to Starsky. Starsky felt his body relax, as exhaustion caught up with him.

Just before Starsky dozed off, he heard the whispered words, “I love you.” Smiling, he pulled the blond tighter to him and let sleep take over.

* * *

The bright sunlight streaming in through the gap in the bedroom curtains told Starsky it was late morning. He found himself alone in bed. Stretching, he yawned widely and then threw back the covers. “Hey, Hutch, where are you?” Getting to his feet, he wandered out to the living room. “Hutch?” Still no answer. Maybe he went out for his morning run. He found fresh coffee in the kitchen and poured himself a cup. Taking a few swallows of the hot liquid, Starsky decided to take a shower and get dressed. Hutch would want the shower when he got back from his run.

Starsky sat on the edge of the bed, tying his trademark blue Adidas. Hearing the front door open, he yelled, “Hey, Hutch, is that you?”

“Are you expecting someone else?” Hutch yelled back.

“Nope, just you, Blondie. Where ya been?” Starsky followed Hutch as he headed for the kitchen.

“Had a doctor’s appointment this morning. Then decided to run a couple of other errands while I was out. You didn’t look like you were going to be waking up anytime soon.” Hutch grinned at the sight of his partner, hair still wet and shirt unbuttoned. “Hungry?”

“Of course, I’m hungry. Did you really have to ask?”

“Nope.” Hutch set bacon and eggs on the counter and pulled out a couple of frying pans. “I’m feeling so good this morning, I’m going to cook breakfast for you. Just don’t expect this all the time.”

“I take it the visit with the doctor went okay?” Starsky was thrilled to see Hutch in such a good mood.

“Yeah, it was okay. It’s still hard to talk about everything, but I’m trying. I think it’s helping.”

“That’s good. Where else did you go?”

“I picked up groceries so I could make you this feast, and then…I…went to see Dobey.”

“You went to see Dobey?” Surprise was evident in Starsky’s tone.

“Yeah, there was a little matter of my resignation we had to talk about.” Hutch had his back to Starsky, as he worked on preparing their breakfast.

“Hutch?” Starsky’s voice showed more than surprise at hearing the word resignation. “What the hell are you talking about? You can’t resign! I need my partner! You’ll see, Hutch, everything is gonna work out okay. But you can’t resign!”

Hutch turned to face his partner. “Relax, I’m not resigning. I gave Dobey my resignation the day I killed your brother. I went in today to tell him I wanted time to reconsider. As a matter of fact, I told him I wanted to come back to work in a week or two and see how things went.”

Relief swept over Starsky. “You had me scared there for a minute.”

“Like I said, relax. Your breakfast is almost ready.” Hutch set the table and poured orange juice. “Starsk…I am a little nervous about going back to work. What if I can’t handle it?”

“You’ll do fine. I’m real proud of you, Hutch. Any problems that come up, we’ll handle together. Now, you relax.”

As they sat down to eat, Hutch looked at Starsky, “Are you really proud of me?”

“You better believe it. I knew you were no quitter and I was right.” Starsky laughed. “Guess it just took you a little longer to remember you weren’t a quitter.”

“Yeah, I guess so. Just remember, Starsk…I still have a ways to go.”

“I know. But I can already see the changes in you. The old Hutch is almost back.” Starsky started clearing the table. “You sit; I’ll do the dishes.” Starsky filled the sink with water and started washing the dishes, as Hutch sat sipping a last cup of coffee. “Hutch, you still having nightmares? I mean are you sleeping okay now?”

Hutch joined Starsky at the sink and began to dry the dishes as Starsky washed them. “I sleep good most of the time. I still have nightmares, but not as often.”

“It will take a little more time, Hutch, but you’re gonna be okay.”

Once the dishes were done, the two detectives settled down on the couch. “Starsky, we still haven’t talked about where we’re going now. I mean, about what we’re going to do about these new feelings.”

“I can only speak for myself, Hutch. I’m in love with you. I want it all. I want a physical relationship. But you have to want it, too. And you need to understand that if you don’t want the same things I do, it doesn’t change anything. You’re still my best friend. You’re my true brother, buddy. I’ll always love you. Nothing is going to change that.”

“You’re getting kind of mushy on me, Starsk.” Hutch smiled. “I love you, too. I’m just a little worried, I guess. I mean, this is kind of new to us. What if it doesn’t work out? What then?”

“Then, we go back to just being best friends and partners. I promise you nothing will end our friendship.”

“I hope you have a lot of patience left, buddy. I think you’re going to be needing it. I just don’t know…I mean, I don’t want to disappoint you in any way, but what if I’m not ready?” Looking at Starsky, Hutch’s doubts suddenly seemed so foolish. The love seemed to shine in Starsky’s eyes. What more could anyone want or need?

“Hutch, no pressure. We’ll take it slow.” Starsky took Hutch’s face in his hands and gently lowered his lips to Hutch’s. The kiss was gentle, but slow and thoughtful.

The touch of Starsky’s lips sent shock waves through Hutch’s entire body. He felt himself responding as he returned the kiss. This was so right, so natural. Breathless, he pulled away.

“Starsk…let’s not take it too slow though, okay?”

“Whatever you say, partner.” Starsky’s lips swooped down to recapture Hutch’s once again.