Passages

After waiting almost half of his life, Hutch is finally getting what he wants, but the cost is those he must leave behind.

It was going to be over soon. He could feel it. Feel the subtle changes as different parts of his body began slowing down, getting ready for one last, epic journey. All in all, it had been a great life. Well, except for a few rough spots, and one, long ago spiral into hell.

He tried to shift himself in the hospital bed without alerting his sleeping wife, who was finally getting some much needed rest in a less than comfortable looking chair beside his bed. They’d been happily married thirty-two years, had twin boys, and lots of good friends. He loved her and the boys with everything he had, but despite it all, he’d never been able to fill the aching hole that was left when he’d lost his best friend and partner all those years ago. Even today, the overwhelming loss still felt fresh and raw.

He vividly remembered that day; the gunfire, the bullet-riddled body of his partner on the ground, the wild ride to the hospital, and the days that followed while he exacted his revenge. He’d gone back to the hospital after booking James Gunther for the attempted murder of two police officers. Little did he know that before morning, a new charge would be added; Murder with special circumstances. The killing of a cop.

That night was both long and short as he sat vigil in ICU, his hand in constant contact with his partner. Holding his hand, rubbing his arm, talking to him about anything and everything that came to mind. He’d been rambling on about the vacation they would take when the first monitor alarm went off. Startled, he’d gripped the hand in his tighter and swore he felt the cold fingers squeeze back. The doctor later said it was a muscle contraction, but what did he know about a friendship so deep that it allowed for one last bit of comfort before the end?

In the ensuing whirlwind of activity, he was forced to relinquish his hold on his partner. He desperately wanted to touch him, to hold him, to keep him safe…to go with him. That thought remained bright while the others faded along with his friend. He stood by, forgotten, as the room filled with what looked like the entire ICU medical staff. His lips moved in silent prayer as his partners already battered body was shocked over and over in an effort to save him. After the third shock, Hutch knew how it would end. Not by what his eyes were witnessing, not by the machines that still screamed their warning, but by a gentle tugging sensation that was taking place deep within his own body. As the external battle raged around the bed, internally, half of who he was began to detach itself. He could feel the struggle as the bond stretched, then snapped, leaving behind a raw wound that would never heal.

It was a valiant effort on the part of the doctors and nurses who surrounded the bed, but the miracle they’d all hoped for was not to be. The equipment was turned off, the overhead lights dimmed, and he was left alone to say good-bye. The silence in the room was complete. Not a sound, no words left to say. It was so quiet, that he actually heard his heart break; shattered into tiny pieces, never to be whole again. Then, the room was filled with a new sound, and this one drew in the person who would become his savior; his wife. She stood in the doorway, her hand over her mouth to keep from crying herself as she listened to the gut-wrenching sobs coming from the man she’d watched be so strong for the past week. She watched as the devastated cop leaned over his partner, placing his ear on the unmoving chest, over the stilled heart as if to confirm for himself that it was true. Then, when she couldn’t take it any longer, she walked into the room.

He looked over at her now, still scrunched up in the chair, asleep for the first time in over a day. He would always be grateful to her for that first step. She’d gently told him it was time to let go, then held him as he cried himself into a state of exhaustion. Against her better judgment about getting involved with a cop, she talked him into letting her take him home, and then she stayed with him while he processed the loss. When he started shutting down and staring at his holstered weapon that hung on a peg by the door, she asked him about his friend.

“Tell me about David,” she’d said, and without hesitation, he did. He started with the day they met at the academy, their time in uniform, the decision to become detectives, their partnership, and their incredible bond. She was amazed at the transformation in the man before her when he talked about his partner. It was as if he lit up from the inside. It was the first time she’d seen him smile, and he won her heart then and there.

Over the next few days, she helped him make arrangements for the funeral, and even fielded phone calls from worried friends. She assured them all she was keeping a close eye on their much-loved detective, and his gun. Nobody questioned where she’d come from so suddenly, they were just glad she was there by his side, and that’s where she stayed.

They raised a few eyebrows when they married seven months later, but all was made clear five months after that when the twins were born, six weeks early. It was the one-year anniversary of the tragic day they met. Joy and sorrow were at war with each other that day, until Hutch saw his sons; David and Michael. While he still didn’t know peace, it was better. It was definitely better.

Time seemed to pass quickly after that. He left the police force within weeks of losing his partner and joined a Search and Rescue team. The boys grew, went to college, and David considered joining the police force, but to his parents’ great relief, changed his mind and went into law instead. A nature lover like his father, Michael joined the Forest Service, married, and had a son, Kenny.

Hutch tried to shift in the bed again but found he didn’t have the strength to do it. He had made peace with the fact that this would be his last time in the hospital when he checked in three days ago. He had been in and out for almost a year, ever since his first heart attack. There had been two more since then. The boys had been to see him every day, and Cass, of course, never left his side. He felt horrible for leaving her and his boys, but a small, selfish part of him was relieved. For the past thirty plus years, he felt like he was living on borrowed time. He stopped being Hutch the cop and went back to being Ken. It was like a new existence and he felt like he was never quite a complete part of it. He had no doubt that Cass knew he loved her and the boys unconditionally, but there was still the gaping hole that nothing or no one could fill.

“What are you thinking about?” The voice startled him out of his memories. With effort, he turned his head and smiled. “Don’t move too fast, you’ve been scrunched up like a pretzel for hours.”

Cass smiled back and slowly untwisted herself from the chair. “Are you calling me old?”

Hutch changed his expression to mock horror. “Who, me? My wife isn’t old.” He made an attempt to reach for her hand and couldn’t do it, his fingers barely moved with the effort. Instead, she was at his side in a heartbeat, taking his hand in hers.

“I have a young, beautiful bride,” he informed her, using his patented response whenever she mentioned getting old.

She rubbed her hands together with his trapped between. “Your hand is freezing,” she gently scolded him, reaching to the end of the bed for the extra blanket. Cass used one hand to pull it up and over him, keeping her grip on him with the other. “Why didn’t you say you were cold?”

There was an imperceptible shrug of his shoulders. “I’m not. You’re just hot.” He gave her a wolfish grin and she laughed.

“What am I going to do with you?” She asked lightly, then immediately sobered. “What am I going to do without you?” Her dark eyes immediately filled with tears and he swallowed a sudden lump in his throat.

“We’ve been over this a hundred times,” he reminded her, his voice soft yet steady. “You’re going to do what you always do. Be tough; be there for the boys, and one day, far, far in the future, you’ll join us.”

She looked at him and knew where his mind had been when she woke up. ‘Us’ not ‘me’. “You’ve waited a long time, my love.” She cupped his cheek with her hand and lost herself in the depths of his clear blue eyes. “I was never sure I had the right to keep you here when you so wanted so badly to leave.”

Hutch was surprised she knew. He’d never actually told her how close he’d come, and why he didn’t go through with it. Maybe it was time. He swallowed hard and averted his eyes.

“At first, I wanted nothing more. But, you won me over. By the time the boys came, I stopped thinking about it altogether.” He looked back at her and squeezed her hand with what little strength he had left. He had to be sure she understood. “I couldn’t do that to you, or them. It’s not like I want to leave now, but I’m not afraid either. I’ve made it all these years by believing that death is not the end. I believe it with all my heart, as battered as it is. I’ve missed him every moment of every day. Even now, I find myself turning to tell him something, then it’s like I lose him all over again.” He shook his head and gave a wry grin, his eyes dropping to stare at their entwined fingers. “You think I’m crazy, don’t you?” He looked up at his wife, trying to read her face. “Still mourning someone after thirty years like it was yesterday.” She leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on his lips, then shook her head and smiled.

“You’re not crazy. You just love with every fiber of your being, and that’s why we all love you so much, and we know you love us the same. I also know that you never had any closure with losing David. You never got to say good-bye, and that’s enough to …” She stopped as his expression suddenly changed. “Ken? What is it?” In full Nurse-mode now, she glanced over at the monitors and could see the numbers had changed since she last noticed them when she awoke from her nap.

He felt a tingling in his legs give way to numbness, and then it started creeping up his body. It was almost time. A movement in the corner of the room made him turn his head, and Cass turned as well. While she saw the corner of the room, he saw, “Starsky?” She turned back to her husband and watched as his face lit up, his eyes filling with tears of joy and his smile, brighter than she could ever recall. She reached for him and was suddenly frozen in her seat when she heard a gentle voice, more in her head than with her ears.

“Time to go, Partner.”

Cass swung her head around, searching for the voice, and when she looked back at her husband, it was if he’d melted into the hospital bed, his body completely relaxed, and a look of pure contentment on his face.

She reached over and turned off the machine while signaling the ICU nurse who had come running that it was okay, she had it. Cass took his hand and laid it on his chest, then leaned over and placed a slow, gentle kiss on his forehead. As she stood, a soft breeze swept through the windowless room and swirled around her. She felt her husband pass through her, and then another presence appeared and merged with the first.

Cassidy gasped and straightened as two parts of the same soul came together again after so many years. She felt it surge within her own spirit and felt a rush of the most intense love she could ever imagine. The twin beings danced around her, a tingling on her skin and faint brushes of wonder and pure joy as the two halves merged again into one.

“I knew you’d be perfect for him the moment I saw you in the hall outside my room.” She knew the voice, even though she’d never met the man.

“David.” Cass was never sure if she’d spoken the name out loud, but the warmth around her intensified.

“Thank you for taking care of him for me, and for loving him.”

Cass thought she should be crying, but she was too overwhelmed to even consider it. “Thank you for giving him to me.”

Her husband’s voice came to her as a soft caress. “Be happy, Cass. I love you, and we’ll be waiting for you. Please don’t mourn. I’m whole again.” A whisper of a kiss fluttered on her cheek, and then it was gone.

She felt the tingling fade away and looked back at her husband, his body still, and a tender smile frozen on his lips. He was finally home.