x and y

Helen had no doubt that Dave Starsky could love more than one person equally fiercely. It wasn’t the love she envied, but the trust, the respect, the unwavering belief and confidence that Dave had in Hutch but couldn’t extend to her.

Helen Davisson makes a list in her mind, not just recited, but one she can actually see, as if she’s back in high school, notebook on the table in front of her, tapping the eraser of her pencil against her bottom lip. She visualizes it to distract herself from the fact that she has to lift her cup of tea carefully, with her left hand, because the right, while not entirely out of commission, is in pain. (She’s probably not supposed to feel a sense of grim satisfaction in that fact, but Helen has always been a bit of a rebel. It’s why she’s injured rather than dead, but it’s ultimately why she’s also sitting in her apartment alone).

At the top of her imagined list, the heading reads The Trouble With a Cop Boyfriend. She visualizes adding a colon, and then skipping a line.

1. He will never see you as an equal.

Dave was actually better than most guys when it came to Helen being a cop. He not only respected it, understood it, but actually even complimented it. But (and why had Helen ever allowed herself to think that there wouldn’t be a but) things changed when it looked like she would actually be promoted to vice. She visualizes skipping a line.

2. He thinks he knows your limits, and won’t acknowledge his own.

Too dangerous. Those had been the words out of his mouth. Helen had heard them before, but she had foolishly believed she wouldn’t hear them from him. “You put yourself in danger every day,” she had retorted.

“That’s different,” Dave had replied, not missing a beat.

“How is it different? We’re both cops.” Helen was certain she wouldn’t like the answer, but she needed to hear it regardless.

“It’s my job to protect you.” He said it as if he couldn’t believe she had even asked. They were sitting in the car, windows down, sky clear for once; the perfect night. A part of Helen badly wanted to accept the answer, let it go.

“Why is it your job to protect me when I took the same oath?”

“Because I love you.” It wasn’t the answer she’d been expecting, and it must have shown on her face, because Dave flinched, almost imperceptibly, but she knew him, knew all of his tells.

“You love Hutch, but you trust him with your life.”

Dave’s brow furrowed. “Hutch is my partner.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“And he’s your best friend. He means just as much to you as I do.”

“It’s different.”

“Why?”

“Hutch has been doing this a lot longer than you have.”

“And that’s the only thing?” It was a perfect night, and until a few moments ago Dave had had an arm around her, Helen fitting into the perfect curve of his side. She was almost able to lean in and ignore the fact that she couldn’t fit into his life just as perfectly.

“Well what do you want me to say Helen? You’re my girlfriend. I’m going to worry. What do you expect me to do?”

“Recognize the fact that I worry about you too, but that I know how important being a cop is to you. Recognize that and extend me the same courtesy.”

Dave’s face fell at this. To his credit, it looked as if the next words left him conflicted. “You’re going to make me say it, aren’t you? Fine. Some things are just fact, Helen. And the fact is, the job’s more dangerous for women. But there’s plenty of positions in the department that you could do…” He trailed off, as if he knew exactly how it sounded.

Helen closed her eyes, and when she opened them again, she saw a look of resignation on his face.

“I know everything you’re saying comes from the right intentions Dave.” She didn’t have to say anything else; they both knew what was coming.

Helen is a good cop, but it took every ounce of strength she possessed and everything she learned in her training to subdue the man. It was about as bad as it could get, she figured. The man was clearly insane, judging by his fevered ramblings, and this made him less hateful but also more terrifying.

She didn’t feel the pain until later. Even then, it was nothing compared to the way the way her chest tightened at the look in Dave’s eyes. There was fear, shock, even dread. And she knew she was probably expecting too much from him, all things considered, but she wished there was just a hint of respect, a hint of acknowledgment.

3. No matter what, there will always be as sea of blue between you and him.

It’s after she’s pushed away from the table, after she’s washed her cup and after she’s turned down the covers and slid into bed that it occurs to her that she hadn’t told him she loved him back that night. She regrets it. But she also knows it wouldn’t have changed anything.