On the Edge

Hutch was a man on the edge. Had Starsky pushed him there?

Set between SvH and SR.

A flash ficlet written in response to a prompt by CrazyKate. My thanks to her for the prompt and image.

“I thought I could fall in love with you.”

“And now?”

“Well, unfortunately, now I know that’s true.”

Starsky found he had been holding his breath, waiting for Hutch’s response. He let it out now. It left a hollow ache in his chest.

“Why ‘unfortunately’?” he managed to ask.

It was Hutch’s turn to look away. Funny, Starsky had been the one to break his gaze first, faltering under the intensity of Hutch’s eyes, but now that those baby blues weren’t on him, Starsky felt bereft, lost.

“I love you,” Starsky said. “You know that, right?”

When Hutch didn’t respond, Starsky grew desperate.

“Look, Hutch—” Starsky began, but Hutch stood abruptly.

“Don’t.”

Starsky scrambled to his feet, but Hutch took two quick strides, creating distance between him and his partner. He finally looked at Starsky again, but there was something almost alien in the bleak emptiness of his eyes. Hutch was a man on the edge. Had Starsky pushed him there?

“It’s unfortunate because loving someone and falling in love with them are two different things,” Hutch replied, his voice as raw and as hollow as Starsky’s aching chest. “It’s unfortunate because you do love me. And God help me, it’s not enough.”

Without thought, Starsky raised his hand to touch, to hold… but stopped when Hutch took another step back, away from him. Away from them.

“I’m sorry, Starsk,” he whispered. “I tried, but it’s just not enough.”

And then he was gone.

Starsky slowly sat back down. He waited, hoping… but Hutch didn’t return.

Not enough.

But he loved Hutch. Really loved him. More than he loved anybody else, for Christ’s sake. How could that not be enough?

He rubbed at his chest, at the emptiness that threatened to swallow him whole.

More than he loved anybody else.

And then there was a new pain, a pang of sudden realization that loving someone and falling in love with them were indeed two different things… different, but not mutually exclusive.

Hutch. Oh, babe.

But the epiphany raised more questions than answers. Was he brave enough, strong enough, to actually do this? Could they cross that line, become lovers, and still remain partners? What if they were found out? How would this even work?

Too many questions, and Starsky didn’t know any of the answers. They were in uncharted territory, with no map to guide them. He was, to put it bluntly, scared shitless.

But there was one thing he did know with dead certainty: Starsky would rather be scared shitless with Hutch than without him.

With a deep breath, Starsky got up and headed for his car. His partner was out there, somewhere. Starsky was going to find him.

*****

As it turned out, Hutch wasn’t hard to track down. Starsky found him on the beach, a solitary, ghostly gray figure against the lightening sky. He stood staring out into the Pacific, his shoulders hunched against the chill of the salty pre-dawn breeze.

It was eerily reminiscent of the day that they’d thrown their badges into the sea in a gesture of defiance, a rejection of the mockery that their job had become, and—if Starsky was honest—a last-ditch effort on his part to hold on to his partner.

What was Hutch going to throw away now?

Slowly, Starsky crossed the wide expanse of sand. His chest still ached, but it didn’t feel empty anymore. His heart was definitely there, pounding a mile a minute. Fear and hope were there too, as was the familiar rush of fight-or-flight adrenaline, all twisted together and churning inside him.

And love. God, so much love.

Starsky was several yards away when Hutch, who hadn’t moved since Starsky spotted him, said, “What are you doing here, Starsky?” His voice was cold, distant.

“You left before we were finished talking.” Starsky closed in until he was standing right next to Hutch. His partner didn’t look at him, but neither did he move away, which Starsky took as a good sign.

“What else was there left to say?”

“A lot.” Starsky swallowed. “Hutch, I love you. I’m in love with you.”

Hutch snorted. “Right.”

“I am,” Starsky insisted.

“I don’t need your pity, Starsky.” There was heat in his tone now, and Starsky welcomed it.

“It’s not pity,” he replied. “Why would I pity you? I’m in love with you.”

“Stop saying that!” Hutch snapped his head around to glare at Starsky.

“Why? It’s true. And I like saying it,” Starsky said, more calmly than he felt. “I’m in love with you. I want you.”

“All of a sudden, you’re in love with me?” Hutch forced out a harsh, derisive laugh. “Let’s be clear about this. All of a sudden, just like that, you want me? Bullshit.”

“It’s not all of a—”

“No? Well, you can save your pity fucks for—”

“That’s not what this is!”

“Really? Since when have you been interested in fucking guys?”

“Damn it, Hutch, I don’t want to fuck guys!”

That shut them both up. For a few moments, the only sound was the gentle lap of the waves against the shore.

“Well. Can’t get much clearer than that.” Hutch turned to face the water again. “Just what the hell do you want, Starsk?” He was pissed, but Starsky could sense despair beneath the anger.

A man on the edge, and you pushed him there.

“What I want,” Starsky said, “is to make love with the person I love most in the world. And that’s you, Hutch. It’s always been you.”

Hutch froze.

C’mon, babe. Come back to me.

“Yeah, you’re a guy. Two guys together….” Starsky lifted a shoulder. “Not gonna lie, it ain’t an easy thing to wrap my head around. But make no mistake, I do want you.” He reached for Hutch’s hand, squeezed it briefly. “I always did think you were sexy, y’know.” When Hutch gave him a sidelong glance and raised an eyebrow, he added, “Not as sexy as me, of course, but you’re a little above average.”

Hutch laughed, a real laugh this time, and Starsky grinned in relief. It faded away quickly, but Hutch turned to face Starsky and for the first time in what seemed like forever, Starsky could see a glimmer of hope there.

“Starsky… are you sure?” Hutch asked. “Because if you’re not, if this isn’t really what you want, I—” He closed his eyes and swallowed, then opened his eyes and looked Starsky square in the face. “You’re right, this isn’t an easy thing. I love you, Starsky, and that won’t change. But if we go down this road, it can’t be about pity, or guilt. You’re either all in, or you’re not. So if you’re going to bail, do it now.”

Starsky met Hutch’s eyes. Eyes were the windows to the soul, they said, and he made sure Hutch could see all the way down into his. “No pity, no guilt. I’m in this—in us—for keeps.”

The look Hutch gave him then nearly made his knees buckle. Fierce, possessive, and passionate. Hungry.

Holy shit. Him and Hutch, together? They were going to be amazing.

Oh, yeah. He was all in, all the way. Starting right now.

“Let’s go, babe,” Starsky said. He grabbed Hutch by his jacket and pulled: pulled his partner away from the edge, and towards their future.