Tide Pools

“I felt the earth turning.”

They sat close together on a low hill just above the beach; Starsky bundled into a lawn chair, Hutch leaning against him, both watching the sunset. Parents chased down small children across bronzed, wet sand, their bodies silhouetted against the spill of the ocean, images of contentment and peace.

“Starsk? What?”

“Oh…never mind,” Starsky said, waving him off, feeling suddenly shy. “You’re the poet, not me.”

Hutch captured his hand, cradling it. “Tell me.”

He took a breath. “I felt the earth turning. When I- died.”

“You remember?”

Starsky nodded. “Not at first. It’s come back to me. But I felt it turn. Knew that I was out of my body if I could feel and know that. And I could see things. People in their homes, other – beings – like me, the insides of volcanoes and the bottom of the sea.”

He stopped for breath, glancing at Hutch, not sure if his lover would maybe laugh or not.

But Hutch wasn’t laughing. He was listening, his eyes bright, lit by the last rays of the dying sun.

“I saw you. I saw you running. It’s like a dream, but it’s so clear. I flew above you, watched you push through those doors.”

Hutch blinked rapidly, turning to look out to sea. Starsky could see his jaw clench.

“Did it hurt, w-when you came back?”

Starsky squeezed the hand in his. “Yeah.” Softly.

They sat silently for a while, arms pressed together, watching as the final rays sank to a bare glimmer on the wet edge of the world, and then, in a blink, were gone. Earth turning.

“Life’s like a tide pool, Hutch,” Starsky finally said. “There’s so much to discover and a lot to miss if you don’t go looking, you know? And I’m not done looking.”

He felt Hutch hitching air in, and remembered waking one night to the sound of an exhausted and overwhelmed partner quietly losing it against his hospital mattress. He remembered touching the gold hair, memorizing it with his fingertips.

“I saw you running to me and I knew then that I could make the choice. I felt so powerful – like a superhero. You looked so scared. I could make you happy again. I could have more time to love you like you deserve. More time to look around this world. To discover it with you.”

Hutch’s hand trembled in his and then gripped tightly.

The rhythmic roar of the ocean filled the silence between them.

Stars began to wink overhead. The western edge faded from orange to yellow to blue to black before Hutch spoke again, whispering.

“Am I worth all your pain, Starsk?”

This time it was Starsky’s breath that caught, and his eyes that filled.

He reached up to turn Hutch’s chin with his fingertips.

“Do you love me?”

Even in the shadows Starsky could see Hutch’s face soften.

“You know I do. You know I do.”

He touched Hutch’s lips, as he had his hair that weary night. “You’re worth every minute.”

~end
September 11, 2007