Friends Share Secrets

971

Hutch tells Starsky of his love for another man. Starsky tries to deal with it.

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Part One

Hutch paced. And paced. He could find no relief from the wild nervousness that tore at his soul. He was desperately afraid. Afraid he would end up losing what he most valued in his life.

He had spent a sleepless night knowing he had to tell Starsky the truth. He got himself his umpteenth cup of coffee just as there was a knock on the door. His startled reaction slopped the coffee over his hand, and then he froze, unable to think or move. What should he do, where could he hide? At the repeated knock on his door and a shouted “Hey Hutch, open up!” he shook himself, gathering his resolve and courage and made his way to the door.

Starsky bounded in with various paper bags, holding them up as he made his way to the kitchen.

“Breakfast partner.” He busied himself setting out plates, cutlery and the food. Pouring himself a coffee, he turned to find Hutch standing as if in shock at the still open door.

“Hutch, come on buddy lets eat. I’m hungry.”

Once again startled out of his reverie, Hutch slowly closed the door, pausing briefly for a deep breath before he made his way to the kitchen and sat. Starsky had been chattering away the whole time as he filled his plate and began eating between comments. Hutch didn’t hear a word.

It took Starsky several minutes to realize he was conversing with himself, and that Hutch had not moved, spoken or, he was sure, even blinked since he had sat down.

He set his breakfast burrito down, rested his arms on the table and carefully looked at his partner.

What he saw disturbed him. Although immobile, Hutch appeared tense, wired. Ready to bolt at the slightest provocation. His face was pale and damp, his hair unkempt and he still wore the same clothes as when Starsky had dropped him off last night. He seemed to have a death grip on his coffee cup.

He spoke softly. “Hutch. Hutch.”

The very softness of his words raised Hutch’s face to gaze unseeing at him. He drew in a breath, a sudden fear gripping his gut. Hutch’s eyes were black with lack of sleep, the worry lines in that expressive face deep and mournful. But the lack of light in those normally vibrant blue eyes caused him the most pain. He quickly pushed his chair back and moved to squat at Hutch’s side, his hands gripping Hutch’s arms and turning him slightly to force him to face him.

“Hutch, what’s happened buddy. What’s going on?”

Hutch blinked sharply and seemed to come back to the present, seeing Starsky clearly for the first time that morning.

“Oh Starsk, please…”

He flung himself at Starsky as he rose, drawing Starsky up with him and into a fierce hug.

Starsky’s automatic reaction was to wrap his arms around Hutch and hold on, providing whatever comfort his partner needed. Hutch’s iron-tight embrace was forcing the breath from him and beginning to compress his ribs before a soul-deep breath shook the body he held and loosened its grip. Several more shudders ran through Hutch’s body before he released Starsky, took a step back and met those eyes that could see into his soul.

“Starsk, I…”

Starsky could see that Hutch was barely holding it together, needed some distance.

“Hutch look, why don’t you go take a shower, shave, get some clean clothes and we’ll talk when you’re done. O.K. buddy?”

Hutch swept a hand across his face in an attempt to register what Starsky was saying. Wordlessly he nodded at the sensible suggestion and made his way to the bathroom.

Starsky watched him go and let out a deep breath he hadn’t realized he was holding in. What was going on? Hutch seemed to be falling apart, and as he slowly cleared the table his mind worked feverishly for the cause. He poured himself fresh coffee and sat contemplating his partner. His mind played back the last few weeks, belatedly realizing that Hutch had been giving off signals of unrest and confusion, blurting out attempts at questions that trailed off into silence.

Starsky straightened in his chair. Hutch was hiding something. Some secret so devastating to him that he was afraid to tell his partner. No, not a secret painful to Hutch, a secret Hutch felt would hurt Starsky!

* * * * * * *

Hutch gratefully closed the bathroom door and leaned against it. All his frantic incoherent thinking had been just that. He felt totally drained and weak before he had even talked to Starsky. What was he going to do, how could he get through this?

He mentally shook himself.

‘Wake up, dummy. You get through it by remembering whom your dealing with. By respecting, and trusting the one person in the whole world who knows you inside out. Who loves you, defends you, heals you and protects you. Who wants you to be happy. Wants your friendship, your love, your compassion and understanding. You need him in your life and to keep him he will only accept honesty from you. You owe him that and more, so you must know you can trust his heart. Maybe.’

Hutch took a long time with his shower, but dressed quickly and returned to Starsky. He could see that Starsky was uneasy, tense, even a little afraid of what was going on. He filled another coffee cup and gestured towards the living room.

Starsky arose and followed him, settling into a chair watching as Hutch slowly sat on the edge of the sofa cushions, bent forward, elbows on his knees, head bowed over the cup cradled in his hands. Hutch appeared calmer as he emerged fully dressed from the bedroom. Calmer and resigned, prepared to meet head on the pain he was reluctant to inflict on his partner.

Starsky waited.

Hutch raised his head and looked straight into Starsky’s eyes.

“I’m sorry, Starsk. I didn’t mean to fall apart like that.”

The depth of apology in his voice, the sincerity in his eyes did nothing to relieve Starsky’s tension. Hutch seemed to realize this, and a quirky rising of an eyebrow accompanied by a small grimace let him go on.

“I’ve been afraid to tell you something. Something I thought would be the end of everything we have together, but I realized how important your trust, friendship and love are to me and I couldn’t betray that by continuing to lie to you.”

He turned panic stricken eyes once more to Starsky.

“Please believe that, and believe that I wouldn’t intentionally hurt you. I love you buddy, sometimes more than myself.”

“Hutch, I know that. But I don’t understand. What could you have possibly done that would drive me away, make me distrust you. Help me out here buddy.”

As Starsky spoke, Hutch arose and slowly paced until he was positioned behind the sofa facing Starsky. Placing both hands on the sofa back he lowered his head for a moment to gather his thoughts. Once again he looked at Starsky and determinedly returned to his seat and began to speak.

“You remember last December when you went to New York when your mom was sick and then stayed over for Hanukkah and the Christmas holidays?”

Starsky nodded. “Yeah.”

“Well, Dobey kept me babysitting a desk most of the time until a special project came up from the Mayor’s office. I didn’t mention much of anything to you about it because by the end of it I had made a startling discovery about myself that almost blew me off the tracks. And, I was head-over-heals in love.”

Momentarily that love overrode his despair.

At that, a Starsky special hundred-watt plus smile lit up his face and he almost jumped up to embrace his partner. Until, seconds later, he realized this could not be good news given why they were talking.

Confusion clouded him as he tried to understand. Had tragedy struck? Was she dead? Had she run off?

No, that couldn’t be it. When he had returned from that trip his partner had been the most relaxed, happy and comfortable he had ever seen him. Over the next few weeks he had tried to get his suddenly lock-lipped partner to open up about the reason, figuring it had to be a woman.

And that’s when it had started he realized. When Hutch had begun to change. Unfortunately that’s also when the entire city had decided to go on a crime binge and consistently long days had stretched into equally long nights. And Starsky had let his concern for Hutch fade.

So, O.K., what had happened? If the lady was still around, why hadn’t Hutch introduced them? What could have prevented him from sharing his joy and pleasure with his best friend? Was something wrong with her?

Starsky’s brain wound itself around all the possible answers and discarded them: disability; a plain Jane, fat, buckteeth, coloured, street-poor, or prostitute? No, none of those would cause this distress in Hutch threaten their partnership. Except…

God no! Starsky’s eyes widened in shock as the truth snaked its way into his consciousness. He stared into Hutch’s eyes and saw acknowledgement there. Briefly he saw a glimpse of the joy that lurked behind the pain before Hutch shut down to await the eruption.

Quietly, flatly Starsky said, “It’s a guy. You love a guy. Hutch?”

Starsky had spoken so quietly that Hutch barely heard him.

“Yes, I do, more than anyone else before. Talk to me Starsk, please,” Hutch begged.

Starsky had not moved. He must have kept breathing because he could hear and see. At least he though he could. Nothing made sense. Everything seemed to have shut down, be suspended.

Hutch had sat quietly watching Starsky process the little information he had and come up with the right answer. Watched as the shock of that answer made its way to his eyes and heart, and felt himself empty of all feeling. He wanted to beg Starsky to listen to him, to talk to him, do something, anything. But he knew he had to wait, as desperate as he was to hear the words that would restart his life.

Starsky slowly came back to himself realizing that he must have been out of it for several minutes. Hutch sat looking at him expectantly, with such a look of hope, fear, despair and a desperate need for understanding that Starsky felt like he’d driven a stake into Hutch’s heart even though he had hardly said a word.

But that was the problem. He hadn’t said anything and he understood that Hutch would take that as a condemnation. The shock he had felt would have been plain for Hutch to see. Would have spoken to him more than any words of Starsky’s. The fear of rejection was even now beginning to worm its way into Hutch’s posture.

“Hutch…”

“No Starsk, its O.K. I understand. I’m sorry I hurt you, betrayed our friendship. You don’t have to pretend. Yell scream throw things, beat the shit out of me if you have to. Just please listen to me.”

Starsky tried again to speak but Hutch was caught up in his own misery, trying to make it easier for Starsky. Wanting to let Starsky go while, at the same time, letting all of his love wrap itself around him and hold him in place.

“Hutch, please. Stop. I want to understand. I don’t want to lose my brother, my friend. But you’ve got to understand, what you’re telling me is hard. I wonder if I really know you, if we can keep what we have. Damn, Hutch.”

Starsky was the one up and pacing now, losing his control.

Hutch felt Starsky’s words cut deep, and shrank further into himself. He was losing Starsky. Could see it in his frustrated pacing, his body language. He had not wanted this, hoping against hope that Starsky could deal with it. Would be there for him when everything and everyone else he cared about turned from him. He silently began to cry for his loses.

“What am I supposed to do Hutch? How am I supposed to accept this? Just go on as if nothing has changed? What do you want from me? My best friend in the whole world, the one I’d sell my soul for suddenly changes before my eyes. Damn it all to hell, how could you do this? How could you lie to me all these years, betray everything we’ve had? I’ve loved you all these years. You’ve meant more to me than my own brother. Are you telling me that was a lie Hutch, a god-damned outright fucking lie?”

Starsky’s ranting went on and on. Hutch sat there taking it, the tears continuing. How could he answer, how could he make Starsky see that it was not a betrayal of anything they had? Deeply he understood that his was Starsky’s shock reaction, his knee-jerk response to what he felt was a betrayal.

‘Please God, help him see, help him understand,’ he silently prayed.

Starsky’s frustration swept books and papers off Hutch’s desk. Took him towards the greenhouse, but stopped short of reeking havoc in Hutch’s sanctuary. Even in his disbelief he could not destroy anything Hutch loved.

Slowly Starsky began to regain clear thought. He stood at a window and stared sightless until reality began to settle in. He took stock of himself. Without rational thought on his part, his baser instincts and reactions had taken over, betraying him for the prejudiced soul he never thought he was.

Had he really said all those despicable, cruel things to Hutch? How could he? All his life he had always approached everyone with an open mind, seeing only the person and who they were. He thought he had anyway. He had been hiding things from himself. Even after John Blaine he had thought he had worked out his feelings and accepted what was. Obviously he was far from perfect. Far from the friend and supporter Hutch had always relied upon. They had always accepted each other for who they were, acknowledging and cherishing the differences meshing it all together to make one person, one soul.

Starsky had relied upon it, hell, depended on it more times than he could remember. How could this change all that, turn Hutch into someone he didn’t know, could no longer trust? How could it change how they worked, protected each other?

Hutch had been there for him up to and including yesterday, and he hadn’t felt he had less of him than before had he? No. So what was the basic problem here?

Was he afraid that he was going to lose Hutch, that Hutch wouldn’t be there for him anymore, wouldn’t be there to see him through the hard times, hold him when he seemed to have lost too much and the job robbed him of his humanity? Or, that Hutch wasn’t going to need him to ease through the guilt trips he burdened himself with, to hassle, cajole and humour him into doing things he scoffed at.

But that didn’t make sense. They had both dreamed of finding that special someone who could fill that part of their lives outside their friendship. God, everything was going round and round with no answers.

Unconsciously he buried his head in his hands and let out a wrenching groan.

All this time Hutch had been waiting. Hoping he would have a chance to assure Starsky that this change in his life was not about them.

His tears had stopped some time ago, and a glance at the kitchen clock showed it to be going on noon. He felt numb, alone and empty. He had thought he was prepared if Starsky could not accept this, but he wasn’t. He needed Starsky; he was his balance, his foil, and his partner. Even Peter did not fully understand. Thoughts of Peter distracted him for a moment and a small smile crept onto his face. Then he heard Starsky groan and was instantly on his feet turning to him.

He carefully approached the distraught man, stopping several feet away, wanting to reach out but afraid to.

“Starsk?”

Starsky turned sharply, startled out of his introspection to see Hutch mere feet away. He flung himself into Hutch’s arms babbling incoherently.

“Oh Hutch, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean those things I said. I’m so sorry babe. Please don’t give up on me. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s O.K. Starsk. I understand, I do. I don’t want to lose you.”

They stood together for several long minutes, lost in the solid warmth of each other knowing that although it was only a beginning they could still be there for each other.

Then they began building the understanding that underlay everything they did. As they prepared a quick lunch, Starsky began asking questions, hearing the whole story of Hutch’s assignment to work with the Mayor’s Task Force on Inner City Improvements with Councilor Peter Whitelaw. How for three weeks they had worked long days together. How Hutch’s respect and admiration for the man and his values had grown; how the days had stretched to quiet dinners and working evenings.

After the project was over how Hutch found himself being drawn back to the man, citing insignificant issues, then just for the pleasure of being in his company. Eventually he had had to acknowledge the love he felt for Peter. That had driven him away in panic, to spend days evaluating, arguing with himself and denying what was in his heart. Peter had let him alone to work it out until Hutch had showed up at his door openly declaring his feelings.

As the day progressed to night, Starsky had no doubts left as to the true feelings Hutch had for Peter, but he was no closer to understanding his initial reaction. They discussed it from all angles until a remark by Hutch about “closets” finally shocked him into the light.

He was afraid for Hutch! “Hutch, that’s it! Oh babe, how are we going to handle the cruelty out there? How will you deal with it, survive it? People will call you all the worst words, avoid you, even attack you, and what happens if I.A. finds out. God babe.”

Starsky’s words warmed Hutch’s heart and he sent a silent prayer of thanks for having Starsky in his life. He clasped his friend’s arm.

“I know all that, Starsk, and I’ve thought about it. Peter is out, and if we’re to have a life together then I will have to be as well.”

Starsky started to protest but Hutch continued.

“I love him Starsk and I can’t betray his values and I don’t want to. I couldn’t live like that. But what has worried me most is you. The fallout is going to land on you too. I really want you to think this through. I don’t want you hurt because of me.”

“Hutch we’ve dealt with all the garbage this city has to offer and survived. We’ll handle this as well. Youa33;re my best friend, my partner our bond is stronger than that. Besides, Peter must know how to handle things, he’s been dealing with it longer huh?”

Hutch laughed and settled back for a quiet night with his best friend. Things would not be easy but he now knew he had two people who loved him and that would be enough.

 

Part Two

Dawn was lightening the new day’s sky as Starsky made his way home. They had both needed space after their emotionally charged day. He felt like a wet dishrag, barely able to perform the necessary moves to keep the car on the road. His thoughts dwelt only on his mission of arriving home and crawling into the comfort of his bed, that longing keeping him focused.

After seeing Starsky on his way, Hutch stood propped against his kitchen counter, a glass of his wheat germ flavored elixir in his hand.

Unlike Starsky, who had appeared almost comatose but had insisted on going home, Hutch was alert, joyful and almost giddy with a merriment that nearly sent him tap dancing across the room. Anyone seeing that contained joy, the brightness of his eyes and the not quite idiotic smile would have seriously considered calling the men in the white coats.

He knew this was a false euphoria that hid a traitorous reality, but for the moment he reveled in it. His world was back on a solid foundation again and his entire being was wrapped in a security so tight that the future could only penetrate the perimeter.

He had to call Peter to share this wonder with him, to let him know that the only barrier to his complete surrender was no longer there.

He moved quickly to the phone, anticipation shortening his breath, his suddenly inept fingers struggling for control.

He had barely begun to dial when there was a soft knock on his door. He waited, his finger paused, not sure of the sound that had penetrated his concentration. There it was again, a soft wrap on his door. Frowning at this interruption, he re-cradled the phone moving with an unconscious professional control to the door. Stiffening slightly he opened the door.

 

Part Three

Peter Whitelaw had been sitting nervously in his car for over an hour. Frozen with indecision, with fear and with an inability for rational thought. He felt as if his entire life was on the line here.

All of the “what ifs” had been flying recklessly through his mind all day. It had torn at his soul to watch Ken slowly disintegrate as he wrestled with his natural instinct for honesty and truth.

He had long ago admitted to himself that he did not understand the bond that held Ken to Starsky. Initially he had been extremely jealous and it had colored his approach to Ken, leading at times to hard words between them.

It always seemed to be Starsky and I, Starsky this and Starsky that as if the whole world revolved around that connection. And at the time he had had no enemy he could look in the eye and face down. Starsky had been in New York but was back now and he was afraid of what that would mean.

He chided himself harshly because, over time, he had come to realize that Starsky was Ken’s family, his best friend around whom his life and work revolved. It was as if he were a ten-year old kid boldly, daringly staring down his peers with the age-old “my dad can beat up your dad” scenario. Ken was so afraid of losing that anchor in his life that he fought off all attempts to replace it. And Peter had no tools to fight with except his love.

He was suddenly lost in that love, once again feeling overwhelmed by the fact that this strong, beautiful person was in his life and wanted to be there. Ken had crept into his life totally silent, disguised as an intelligent, caring hardened cop forced once again to bend to officialdoms tedious demands.

With no conscious effort on either side, a natural rapport had led them sneakily and deliberately into a relationship of mutual respect and admiration.

A late night conference ending with a glass of wine in a softly lit room had created an atmosphere of discovery and astonishment. He was in love!

And suddenly he was lost in those abnormally clear blue eyes that widened in dawning understanding and momentary passion then closed in fear and confusion. They had separated with stumbling nervousness and growing unrest, unable to retain their normal friendly relationship.

He had let Ken go, knowing instinctively that any words he had to say would only damage the delicate feelings raging through them both.

He had wandered mindlessly through the next few days. A discreet inquiry had told him Ken was not at work, and he fought with everything he had not to search him out, his life on hold.

Then the sun came out, and his world started rotating again. A disheveled, dark eyed yet strangely composed man stood at his door. He accepted Peter’s silent motion to enter, turned and stood firmly, his piercing gaze assessing him as if to remind himself of whom this person was.

With his voice strong, confident and confusion free, he had said, “I need you. I want you. I’m in love with you”.

He had stood immobile after hearing those words, unable to believe or accept.

He only watched as Ken gently approached, the soft acknowledged love in those eyes carrying him beyond words. He had never, ever felt like this before.

Hands caressed his arms, slowly moving up to enfold his face, fingers moving back through his hair as Ken’s lips tenderly met his in an almost passionless kiss. It was an acceptance, a promise and a commitment.

He still stood motionless as Ken pulled back, his eyes speaking volumes, asking questions, seeking answers, all powerfully declaring his love.

“Peter…”

The voice brought him back from where his emotions had left him temporarily dysfunctional. Ken was here, a slight frown of concern marring that beautiful face. Ken loved him. God, could anything be more right in this world.

Everything he was, everything he had, all his love exploded from him as he pulled a startled Ken into a fierce embrace that deepened as Ken’s arms came around him in return.

They had stood together forever, locked in an embrace that wouldn’t allow them to melt into each other as much as they tried. Occasional murmured words, a soft kiss on cheek, neck or ear sustained them as they allowed the love to flow unhindered.

Peter finally drew back and held his love away as he focused on the face before him.

“I love you, Ken Hutchinson, completely, honestly and forever. I am yours.”

“Peter I have never felt anything like this for anyone else in my life. You are in my heart and soul. I give myself to you. I am so in love with you.”

Their kiss this time was pure fire and passion, desire and need overwhelming basic reason and love.

And so their love affair had begun, and continued. Except that now Peter felt it threatened and despaired of what Ken’s response would be if forced to choose.

Ken lived on the edge enough in his job and needed his safety net to survive it. Starsky provided that. Peter never could. Suddenly he was very close to tears.

He was distracted briefly as he watched Starsky leave. Starsky moved slowly, almost as if overcome with grief or the cares of the world. Peter almost panicked as he watched him drive off, fear of what his dejected appearance could mean driving him out of his car and up to Ken’s door.

He knocked quietly, impatiently waiting for Ken to respond. He knocked again when no immediate result occurred. And then the door was abruptly opened and Ken stood there with one of his partly-friendly/partly “I’m a cop” looks on his face.

Peter was suddenly a stuttering stammering five year old caught with his hand in the cookie jar, and no logical reason for being there.

Hutch didn’t know whom to expect at his door at this hour, and was momentarily startled to see Peter looking slightly uncomfortable and nervous.

“Peter. I was just going to call you.”

Grabbing Peter’s arm and pulling him forward, Hutch swung the door shut and then enveloped him in a gigantic bear hug almost lifting him off his feet with his enthusiasm.

Peter struggled out of Hutch’s clutches and stood back just looking at him. Hutch immediately panicked.

“Peter, what is it. What’s the matter?”

Shaking his head in disbelief and moving past Hutch into the living room, Peter flopped down on the sofa.

“I can’t believe I’m here. I couldn’t sleep felt lost and lonely all day simply scared out of my mind about what could happen. God Ken, I’ve never been this out of control in my life, never this unsure of anything. You have taken over my life and even the thought of your unhappiness and loss drive everything else out of my mind.”

Once again shaking his head, he gazed at Ken with intensity, surprise and almost awesome fear.

“I never knew what being in love was all about before,” he continued “and now today, right here, it almost scares me.”

Peter rose and paced in front of an overcome Ken, as if to gather his thoughts, finally stopping in front of Ken, his whole body emphasizing his speech.

“I was so worried about how things would go with Starsky. I knew our relationship depended on the outcome and I spent all day imagining all the “what if” possibilities, only the worst case possibilities of course, as I couldn’t envision a “happy ever after” scene. Whichever way I looked at it you got hurt or I lost you, and there was nothing I could do about it.”

Peter placed a loving hand against Hutch’s cheek.

“And you hurting just built the fire higher and higher and I had to come, to hold you, to love you. Ken, what you are to me is so special, so perfect I’m afraid. What do I do?”

Hutch had to take a deep stabilizing breath before drawing Peter into his arms and ever so gently caressing the trembling back and soothing his distress with a careful rocking motion. Hutch guided him back to the sofa and just held on, easing both of them back from the edge of intensity they were poised on.

Peter’s expression of devotion and love had shocked him to his very soul, because although he thoroughly returned it, he had never expected it from anyone in his life and it overpowered him completely.

He never wanted to move from this place, wanted to keep Peter in his arms forever, keep the rest of the world away.

After a brief respite Hutch gathered his resolve.

“Peter.”

Peter slowly righted himself from his comfortable security, responding to the soft pleasure in Hutch’s voice.

“I never in all my life expected to have the depth of love in my life as you have given me. I don’t feel worthy of it, but just know that I am committed to you, to us, with everything I am. I love you.”

A quick kiss emphasized his point.

“I also want you to understand that our relationship never has and never will depend on anyone else but us. Starsky is the best friend and partner a man could ever have, we are closer than brothers and his acceptance and understanding is very important to me. But, even without it, I would still love you and try to make you happy.”

“Ken what happened with Starsky? When he left here he looked very despondent.”

Hutch’s face lit up so brightly it dazzled and momentarily blinded the man opposite him.

“Peter it’s all right. Starsk is an amazing person and he loves me. It was not easy, but we talked it all out and when he left we agreed to meet for dinner with you. My happiness is important to him, as his is to me. Peter, I hope you can understand and accept how necessary it is to have Starsky in my life. I love him, he will always be a part of my life, our life, if you can understand.”

“Oh Ken, I’m sorry. Please believe me, I’m trying. I really do understand, but it’s hard when all I want to do is hold you and keep you all to myself. I guess my insecurities are my downfall. I believe in us too, and want to be a part of everything in your life.”

Hutch drank in the beauty of the man before him and briefly closed his eyes in thanks for all the love in his life, then drew Peter to him and proceeded to show him exactly how much he loved him.

 

Part Four

When Starsky awoke five hours later, it was instantaneous, no befuddled groping struggle to alertness. He lay as he had fallen earlier, spread flat out on his bed fully dressed.

He slowly turned over, and with his hands raised cradling his head he was content to lie in vacant peace. It was as if he was cocooned in a whole new world, poised on a threshold, yesterday’s worries forgotten and cleansed, leaving a clean slate.

How long he dozed and rested in this state he couldn’t have said, but eventually his bodies needs drove him to rise and begin his day.

During his vacant restful time his unconscious mind had formed a plan; after his essential needs and errands had been done he was going on a mission. Hutch might be prepared to deal with the consequences of his new life as they happened, but Starsky wasn’t going to stand by and let his friend be hurt.

Dinner tonight with Hutch and Peter would resolve a lot of things, but Peter didn’t have to deal with the low life and sly prejudices that they met every day. And truth be told Starsky wasn’t up on how things stood with the gay movement today. Although things were changing, he felt instinctively that the changes were minor and that the hurtful, physical dangers still existed. And he had to find out how to help Hutch deal with them.

His first call was to Huggy to find out if Sugar was still living at the same address. He put off Huggy’s curiosity with a vague reference to a current case. Who and when Hutch told others of his new love was up to him.

His knock on Sugar’s door was answered after a long wait by Sugar himself in an aging but still elegant dressing gown. He had obviously just gotten up, or had not been to bed yet.

“Well, well if it isn’t Detective…, wait let me think…”

Sugar put his hand dramatically to his forehead as if drawing on psychic powers.

“Hut…, no, you’re the other one…Starsky isn’t it? It’s been a while. Looking for someone to arrest officer?”

Starsky held out his hand.

“No, not this time. I need to talk to you.”

Sugar ignored Starsky’s hand for a moment, carefully appraising him. Accepting Starsky’s sincerity he briefly touched hands and motioned him in.

Starsky entered the small neat apartment and turned to examine the man before him. Sugar was older of course, and not quite as slim as he used to be. He still carried a somewhat arrogant air that dared you to question his pride in who he was. And, Starsky realized, it was pride.

Starsky had not evaluated the man or his lifestyle during the John Blaine case, his personal demons locking him into dealing only with the case. But he had recognized the honesty and caring in the man, and he knew he could rely on him to answer his questions.

“You want to talk about your partner,” Sugar stated.

At Starsky’s sharp look, Sugar continued.

“Ours is a small community Detective Starsky and anything to do with one of our own soon becomes common knowledge, especially when it involves Peter Whitelaw. Can I offer a drink: coffee, tea or something stronger, and please sit down.”

Starsky gathered his surprise at Sugar’s knowledge of something that had completely blindsided him, and sat in a handy chair.

“Coffee, please. And call me Dave.”

Sugar acknowledged the personal request, and after bringing them both coffees spoke again.

“Why are you here Dave. Do you hope to convince your partner of the error of his ways?”

Sugar was obviously not completely ready to accept Starsky’s motives for this visit.

“No. Hutch and I have talked, and I accept that his feelings for Whitelaw are real. But, I’m not prepared to ignore the reality of the situation either. Hutch is lost in his own world right now, unable to see how the cruelty out there will hurt him. We live on the streets, and I need to know how things are, how I can protect him.”

Sugar gave a deep almost hopeless sigh.

“You can’t.” Sugar paused for a moment. “How did you react when you first heard of it Dave? I’ll bet you didn’t stand up and congratulate him, offer to take them to dinner and celebrate did you?a33;

Starsky’s look acknowledged the truth of his statement.

“But you’re here and that says a lot about you and your partner. If we’re lucky, most of us have family or friends to support us, or some enlightened individual who can let go of their fear of “contamination” and see beyond to the real person.”

Sugar paused again, gathering his thoughts.

“Look, these are the eighties and some things are better, but on a day-to-day basis we continue to live in fear. The few of us who have openly declared our sexuality are somewhat better off: no more secrets to hide in “the closet”, but that doesn’t prevent people from openly shunning us. The name calling, physical attacks and outright hatred still exist, and always will I guess.

There are those like Peter who have gained a modicum of respect by living their lives with honour, and their dedication to their chosen careers has shown them to have the same qualities of “straight” men.

I could give you the names of lots of men who have escaped detection, and those names would probably shock you. They have chosen to live in the straight world, but are always subject to the devastation it would cause them if they were outed.

You know what that can do. The suicide rate in our community is high. It is painful to see, and even more painful when it involves friends. Too many friends.”

Starsky couldn’t help but see the impact of those losses in Sugar’s eyes. It reminded him forcefully of his own losses.

“From what I hear and have seen, Peter is deeply in love and that doesn’t happen very often in our community. He has retreated from our usual gathering places and gone into seclusion. He has been seen in very discreet restaurants with your partner, and certain close friends have dined with them in Peter’s home.”

Sugar looked straight at Starsky.

“If you’re asking my opinion, it would be better for your partner to come out. You both have a rep on the streets for doing your job fairly and justly, and that respect would suffer and ultimately cause some of the very problems you’re worried about. The truth will get out there’s no doubt about that, better it come from him.

There were bad feelings among some when the identity of Peter’s partner became known: suspicions of entrapment, police brutality, deliberate planting of evidence to warrant an arrest, etc…well you can imagine. But as time went on, it began to be seen as an opportunity. If your partner comes out, he may find himself and Peter as poster boys for gay rights. Things were wild when Peter got elected on an open platform, just imagine the fun if your partner joins him! An openly gay cop, man I never thought I’d live so long.”

Sugar’s obvious excitement at that thought brought all sorts of images to Starsky’s mind. Oh man, he hadn’t thought about anything like that, and he hadn’t missed the implication of “an openly gay cop” either.

Sugar went on.

“Showing pride in who we are carries it’s own rewards for everyone, even if you’re gay, and I think you know that. You and your partner fought for truth in the Blaine case and won recognition not for what he was, but for the man he was; a small victory for all of us. I don’t think either of you could accept any other course.”

Starsky had listened intently to Sugar. What he said was hard to hear for it offered little hope of controlling the situation. He realized it was naïve of him to expect to change reality.

“Then there’s nothing I can do?” questioned Starsky.

“Oh, but there is. It involves ignoring the bigots of this world; it means dealing with the hate calmly and coolly; not losing your temper over barely hidden slurs and rejection; it means being a friend to your partner when faced with direct prejudice.

But Dave you know this already, you deal with scum every day on the streets. It may make you doubt, but it doesn’t stop you from doing the best you can. This is no different, except that the opposition comes from people who blindly accept what society dictates. It has always been a struggle for minorities to be welcomed into society, and this is the same kind of fight.

It’s discouraging at times, in fact most of the time, and I think it will be a long time before it stops being looked on as a perversion and a crime, but people like Peter and your partner, who have succeeded in life without hurting anyone are helping change things. That is a positive.

Reality is never pretty, the open disgust and ignored beatings take their toll on courage and humanity that’s why too many stay in the closet.”

Starsky stayed talking with Sugar for another hour, caught up in the man’s words and stories. For every good point, there seemed to be ten bad ones, and he realized that his acceptance had more to do with his love and belief in Hutch than it did with any outside influences.

When Starsky thought about it later, he was amazed at how articulate, intelligent and passionate Sugar was, he had completely misjudged the man. He could have been a preacher from the passion in his voice, and seemed to have a grasp of the political winds as well.

As he left, Sugar offered contacts to others in the gay community who represented the rational side of homosexuality, but he didn’t think he would need them. The best way to protect Hutch was just to be there for him and make it clear to others that he stood by his partner and his best friend.

The practical side of dealing with the gay community he knew from his work, and as in all things there were the good and bad. It was the bad side of both groups that he knew they would have to learn to live with and respond to.

 

Part Five

Hutch arrived at Starsky’s door at the appointed time. When Starsky opened his door, he just stood and grinned.

The Hutch at his door bore no relation to the Hutch he had left in the early hours of this morning. This Hutch was neat as a pin, with clear content eyes, smooth trouble free face and an aura that just glowed.

“What?” said Hutch checking himself out.

Starsky’s grin got even wider as he pulled Hutch into a bone-crushing hug.

“Man, it’s good to have you back partner.” Grinning even more Starsky chuckled. “You look like you’ve just had mind blowing sex and won the lottery.”

Hutch blushed mildly at Starsky’s usual bluntness, overjoyed that Starsky was responding to him with their usual open affection. Despite yesterday he still had had reservations that they could continue as before.

Preening himself Hutch said “Thank you. Right on both counts partner. You ready? I though we’d stop for a drink at Huggy’s first.”

“Do we have time?”

“Yeah. Peter called, he’s been held up at a meeting. Sound familiar?”

“Boy does it. How many times have we done the same thing, but I expected a City Councilor to be more creative. You being dumped already?”

Hutch just shrugged.

“He’ll join us at the restaurant, hopefully in an hour.”

Hutch had taken a cab to Starsky’s knowing he and Peter would be leaving together. On the way to Huggy’s Starsky filled Hutch in on his day.

At Hutch’s surprised irritated expression he quickly added.

“Hutch I was afraid, afraid for you and for me. I had to do whatever I could to answer that fear, to satisfy myself that the mountain wasn’t too high to climb.”

“Are you satisfied now?”

“Yes, and no. Yes, because I know we can deal with our little part of the world. No, because, must as with the black and Hispanic situations, I know there will always be problems even danger. But I’m your friend Hutch and I love you and nothing can beat that, we’ll made it together.”

Warmth flooded through Hutch at his friends depth of caring, and his next words though inadequate came from his heart.

“Thanks buddy.”

The rest of the drive was spent in companionable conversation, which continued after they had settled with a beer at Huggy’s. Shortly Huggy joined them.

“Well, it’s been awhile since you two graced my establishment. To what do I owe this honor?”

“Just a watering stop Hug. Going to dinner at a place with edible food”, Starsky said.

“I am wounded my brother” Huggy replied. “This dinner wouldn’t be with a certain City Councilman, who shall remain nameless, would it?”

Starsky and Hutch exchanged startled glances, and then laughed.

“Man” Starsky said, “You’re better than the F.B.I., or is it that voodoo thing again?”

“The Bear sees all, hears all, knows all” said Huggy smugly. “And when it comes to his friends, the world comes to his door. There are no secrets from the Bear.”

Both Starsky and Hutch nodded wisely and looked properly chastised.

“How you do’ in Hutch?” Huggy asked.

“Good Hug thanks, very good.” Hutch replied with a smile.

“And how are you Starsky ma’ man?” Huggy’s emphasized “you” making it clear exactly what he was asking.

Starsky pretended ignorance.

“I’m fine too Hug. Looking forward to a great dinner.”

Hutch watched Huggy sputter.

“Starsky!”

“O.K., O.K. I’m fine with it Hug. Hutch and me dueled it out yesterday and we’re both still here to talk about it. I still have reservations that everything will be sweetness and light, but after talking to Sugar at least I know the score.”

“Yeah, I figured that’s why you went to see her.”

Content that his two friends were O.K., Huggy returned to the bar.

“Boy Hutch, was I the only one out of the loop here? I feel I let you down somehow.”

“No Starsk, only a few of Peter’s friends know, and you know Huggy and his cousins.”

Reaching over to grasp his friends hand Hutch said warmly, “And you could never ‘let me down’ buddy.”

They finished their beers and headed for the restaurant, one that Starsky had never been to before and was happy to see was a middle-of-the-road cozy place with widely spaced tables and some booths. He wanted to be relaxed and comfortable, and this place fit the bill nicely.

Hutch asked for their reservation and they were led to a booth just past the tables.

Peter was already there and rose quickly to greet Hutch with a “for you only” smile, and a quick grasp of his hand. He turned to greet Starsky more formally but Starsky noted with amusement that they still held hands and that Hutch had moved as close to Peter as publicly acceptable, his hand, now released, stroking Peter’s arm and then his lower back seemingly on its own, paying no attention to the formalities.

Starsky grinned wickedly as he acknowledged Peter’s welcome, and tried to draw Hutch’s attention.

“Uhm, Hutch. Hutch. You with us babe?”

It took Hutch a moment to realize he was being spoken to and wake up to the present. Blushing slightly he quickly stepped back from Peter in embarrassment, sending an offended look at Starsky. Peter responded by taking Hutch’s hand and laying a quick gentle kiss on the palm.

“It’s all right Ken, this is a very liberal establishment,” Peter comforted.

Starsky was practically ignored while the two lovers caressed each other with eyes that spoke volumes in mere minutes. He relaxed back in the booth and reveled in the delight the two took in each other. How could such obvious love be wrong? At that moment he envied Hutch his happiness.

Their meal was an enjoyable camaraderie between friends exchanging interests, commentaries and anecdotes, the serious conference waiting until the coffee arrived.

Peter was blunt.

“So Dave, let’s hear it. What are your concerns and questions?”

“Peter, I’ve spent the day trying to understand how I could protect Hutch from the backlash that’s bound to happen. He’s my very best friend and brother, and you probably know by now how he can carry a load of guilt that would choke a rhinoceros. And what it all comes down to is that I don’t have to do or change a thing; the strength of our friendship and love will be enough. Except I’ll have to be prepared to sign over my pay check for repair costs to any assorted obstacles that get in my way when I lose it.”

Hutch chuckled at that.

“I’ve realized,” Starsky continued, “that Hutch’s ability to seemingly ignore the obvious problems, although worrying, is because he is comfortable, sure and completely at ease in your relationship. That may seem a feeble wall to hold back the world, but I’ve a feeling that it’s more than enough. My part is fairly simple, just continue to love, comfort and support him as I have always done, although now I guess I can count on you too. Peter, I don’t have any doubts about Hutch’s love for you, that’s as obvious as hell and it’s enough for me.”

Hutch’s confident glance at Peter seemed to say ‘didn’t I tell you. The man is amazing, and my friend.’

Starsky wasn’t finished.

“But, I think you need to tell me your plans. Hutch says he plans to come out. What can we do to be prepared?”

Peter and Hutch shared a look before Peter responded.

“Yes, Ken and I have talked and his coming out is the only option we have. In my job there is only a nominal degree of privacy, and I must admit that hiding our love is not to my liking.

You and Ken know only too well what your department would do to you if the truth came from an outside source. We are in a unique situation though that other gay men are not. I am a duly elected city official who is openly gay and your I.A. would have a great deal of difficulty justifying punitive action against Ken after he appears at official functions as my partner. There is no need for a “press conference” style of announcement. It will become clear in time and we will answer any questions openly and without embellishment.”

Peter turned to Ken to continue.

“Starsk I think what Peter proposes is the only way to go. I will of course speak to Dobey immediately…”

“Not without me you won’t,” Starsky interrupted.

“Of course not without you,” Hutch continued, “and, I’m not ignoring the problems either. There will be those who will show their feelings in all the dirty sneaky ways possible. We’ve both seen it happen too often before over any number of issues, and I think that has only prepared me for the best way to respond. I don’t plan to be a pussycat about it and will take whatever action is necessary if the situation warrants it. But buddy I can’t foresee anything I can’t handle when I have Peter, you, Huggy and others at my back.”

By the end of the evening Starsky was feeling more positive, and there was no doubt left in his mind that Hutch and Peter were over the moon about each other.

And so it was.

Over the next several months Peter’s quiet approach seemed to work and Hutch slipped easily into his new life with no violent reactions.

Oh, there were annoying incidents: painted words on both their lockers, anonymous notes left for all to see, backs turned when they approached etc., but Starsky was really proud of the way they handled them. Acceptance was slowly reducing these incidents. As Dobey had pointed out, their (and it was always them, never just Hutch) dedication to duty and justice, their fairness and the respect they had earned paved the way with most of their colleagues.

Starsky had learned to step aside the time or two Hutch had been hurt on the job and allow Peter his rightful place. And Hutch had been there for him as well.

Hutch and Peter had made a trip to Minnesota and although things had not been perfect, Hutch informed Starsky that surprisingly his family was being supportive.

To Starsky the most surprising support came from the streets. Very few of the street people so much as blinked as the word got around. Amazing where your true friends lie.

As for Starsky and Hutch, well, they didn’t spend all of their time together anymore, just the usual 75%. Peter had adapted, as he seemed to spend 75% of his time on the job too.

Starsky missed nights on the town with Hutch, but of late had settled into the companionship of a young social worker Hutch and Peter had introduced him to. The little fireball kept Starsky thoroughly entertained and satisfied.

Life left its scars, but they only strengthened their already lifelong bond.