You’re All I Need

Badly injured, alone, and scared, Starsky wants nothing more than for Hutch to take care of him.

Fuck! My leg wound won’t stop bleeding even though I’ve been putting pressure on it for 45 minutes. I’m starting to get lightheaded, although I probably haven’t lost as much blood as I think, because I would have passed out before now if I had.

Right?

I just wish Hutch was here, taking care of me, telling me it’s gonna be okay. If only I could have sat here quietly while he applied pressure to the wound, so I wouldn’t have had to do it myself. He would have done a much better job than I did. I bet the bleeding would have stopped by now if he’d been here.

And I don’t even care about going to the hospital and having a doctor look at it. I just need Hutch. I’d feel so much better if my partner was with me right now. Just having him by my side would cause all my anxiety to dissipate, no matter how bad things might get.

I can smell the blood, a metallic, acrid smell that permeates the air around me, infiltrating my nasal passages every time I take a breath.

If I could just see Hutch’s reassuring smile, I’d be okay. My partner’s smile is like a beacon in the darkness, so bright it could light up the dark side of the moon.

Or if I could just hear the sound of his voice…the confidence it projects whenever he’s in control of a situation or the worry-tinge to his words when he isn’t. Doesn’t matter which. Just the sound of his voice is all I would need. Hutch’s voice has a timbre that’s so deep and smooth, it’s like a dark cold beer topped with thick foam on a hot summer’s day, and hearing him utter even a couple of words would bring my blood pressure back down to where it should be.

The blood’s noxious presence hovers in the air around me, its sour metallic essence coating the back of my throat with every swallow. It clings to me and won’t let go.

If Hutch were here, he would stand over me, knowing what he needed to do to help me…grabbing a washcloth here, a bandage there, telling me what he’s gonna do…what he needs me to do, his strong hands pressing down on the wound, hard enough to stem the flow but not so hard as to cause damage. I couldn’t bring myself to look at it. But Hutch wouldn’t be bothered by the wound; he’d look at it anyway, to see how serious it was, to inspect how deep it is. Sure, he’d be worried when he saw all the blood, but he wouldn’t let on that he was. Instead, he’d be calm and reassuring, and in turn, I’d feel calm.

The blood is pooling all around me, thick and viscous like a black oil spill spreading over the surface of the blue ocean, contaminating everything in its wake.

If only Hutch were here, I think it would stop flowing just from the sheer force of his presence, as if that awful, red, sticky fluid would know it was being met by a formidable opponent who would never give up fighting for me, so it would just concede defeat right now rather than continue to wage a losing battle.

Hutch, where are you, partner? I need you to take care of me.

I think about how Hutch’s warm breath would feel against my neck as he leaned over to wipe the sweat from my face…softly…gently, as if he were bathing a newborn baby.

‘I’m here, buddy, I’m here,’ he’d say comfortingly, his hand on my shoulder. Or maybe he’d say, ‘Take it easy, partner,’ or possibly even, ‘It’s okay, sweetheart, you’re gonna be okay.’

He’s never called me sweetheart before, but I can picture him saying it to me if I were gravely wounded and he was afraid of losing me. I don’t think I’m gravely wounded, because if I was, I’d be dead by now, or at least unconscious. Wouldn’t I?

But if he were here with me, he would tell me it’s okay. And he might call me sweetheart. It could happen. Anything’s possible.

He knows I love him, but he doesn’t know I’m IN love with him. But if he did, he would probably kiss me. I’d give anything for him to kiss me right now. I imagine him bandaging my leg after he stopped the bleeding, and then he’d press soft, light kisses to my leg on top of the bandage. And then he’d come closer, and as he lovingly dabbed the sweat from my brow with a cool, wet cloth, he’d rest his lips against mine and apply soft, damp kisses to my mouth to quench my thirst, and it wouldn’t matter how much pain I was in, because all I’d feel at that moment would be the warmth of his lips against mine, and all the love and strength that resides within him would flow into my body, healing me. And I would be made whole.

I don’t even need the doctors to give me painkillers. I just need Hutch to be with me. Then the pain wouldn’t matter anymore, even if he didn’t kiss me. If he was here, I could handle any pain that came my way. Easy peasy.

Can you hear me, Blondie? I need you. See, my leg is bleeding out and I’m startin’ to get really scared now. It hurts a lot, and I can’t see straight anymore. And the bleeding won’t stop. My head feels faint, and my vision is all woozy, and I don’t think I can get up. I’m afraid I’m gonna die here if you don’t find me soon.

If only you could hold my hand right now, I’d be okay. That’s all I need, really. Just you sitting beside me, holding my hand, and everything would be okay.

Maybe if I close my eyes, I can convince myself that he’s here with me, hovering over me, his concerned blue eyes bright with optimism, telling me that everything’s gonna be fine and I don’t need to be scared anymore. He wouldn’t even have to say the words out loud, because his eyes would convey everything.

If only you could hear me calling out to you across the ether, I know you’d come running to save me.

But if he did say the words, he wouldn’t even need to hold my hand. Just talk to me. That’s all I would need, just to hear the sound of his voice, that deep, husky, soothing voice emanating from nearby. He could even sit on the other side of the room and read from the phone book, and it would be enough.

I think I’m gonna close my eyes now, because I’m havin’ a real hard time keepin’ them open. It’s just as well, because I can’t see too good anyway, what with everything bein’ fuzzy. I’m just gonna close my eyes, and I’m gonna throw my arm out to the side and imagine that Hutch is standin’ a few feet away from me. Any moment now, he’s gonna kneel down beside me, take my hand and grasp it in his own. That’s all I would need to feel better…to feel safe.

Hey Hutch, grab my hand, partner, and hold it tight. Because I’m afraid I might float away.

If he were here with me now, I wouldn’t be scared that the room was spinning around me. I wouldn’t mind the terrible throbbing ache in my leg that won’t go away. I wouldn’t even be concerned about all the blood that’s pooling around me, seeping uncomfortably into my jeans as it sinks beneath me into the floorboards, because if Hutch were here – my golden boy, my white knight – no harm could ever come to me, no enemy could breach my fortress, no obstacle could vanquish my spirit.

The color of the blood is candy apple red.

If Hutch were here beside me, he would lean his head against mine so gently that he wouldn’t even have to say a single word, because I would know everything he was thinking now and everything that he’s ever thought in the past. And the slightest wisp of blond strands would brush against my damp skin, so delicate and baby-fine that it would feel like a kiss from an angel.

With closed eyes, I try to imagine that he’s here with me. While I can’t feel his touch against my skin, or see his beatific visage before me, or hear the sound of his soft breathing next to my ear, I know he’s here. In fact, he’s sitting quietly beside me right now, so quiet that I almost can’t sense him at all. He’s gonna take my hand any minute now. Any minute. And if I imagine it hard enough, it’ll come true, won’t it?

Won’t it?

My consciousness is ebbing in and out like the tides, and I’ve lost track of how much time has passed. But if I lie here real quiet and concentrate real hard on staying awake, I can just make out Hutch’s voice, but it sounds like it’s coming from far away, like the sound of the ocean when you hold up a seashell to your ear.

I try to hold on, to listen to it, but everything sounds muffled. I think I hear a wailing sound somewhere in the distance, but I can’t make out what it is. I feel like I should recognize it as a familiar sound, but I don’t.

It’s a struggle to open my eyes, but I manage to open them just a smidge, and somehow, I can see his concerned expression as his face hovers above mine. Either I’m better at imagining than I thought, or else I’m hallucinating. Hutch’s eyebrows are knitted close, and it’s as if a dark cloud has passed overhead, turning his pale blue eyes dark with worry.

Starsk? Can you hear me?

I’m scared, Hutch.

I can feel his warm breath against my face now and I can hear the funny way he exhales whenever he’s worried, which is weird, because I didn’t tell myself to imagine that.

I know, buddy. I’m here.

Hutch?

I’m right here.

I try to lift my hand to touch his face, but I have no strength.

Hutch…

I want to tell him that I love him, but I can’t get the words out.

It’s okay, Starsk, shh…

The blood…oh God

I need him to stop the bleeding. Why isn’t he doing anything to stop it?

Just relax now, the ambulance is here…

My hand is damp and sticky from the blood that coats it, but I can feel something warm pressing against it, grasping it, not minding the blood.

It hurts…

His hand is squeezing my hand now.

I know, sweetheart, I know…it’s okay…

Hutch’s eyes are clouded with concern but they’re also filled with love, so much love as he gazes down upon me that I almost want to cry. But there’s just the slightest hint of a smile on his face, and that smile is so beautiful and so infectious that with great effort, I manage to offer him a smile in return.

I love…

I struggle to say the words.

I know, he answers.

Then his face moves closer and I feel a warm softness pressing against my lips, and suddenly I am Sleeping Beauty, awakening from a deep slumber to greet my prince.

Just take it easy now, says my prince, as his hand caresses my curls, plunging deep into them, into me, holding on, not letting go. You’re gonna be okay.

There are people all around me now, unfamiliar, hovering over my leg, talking to each other as they busily tend to things, while Hutch sits beside me, still holding my hand, and I’m no longer afraid.

Hutch said I’m gonna be okay. And for the first time tonight, I truly believe it.