The Ballad of Handsome Hutch

Sometimes Hutch wonders if he’d have been less tough if he’d been born less blond.

Ambushed by a growth spurt in junior high, finding himself suddenly in possession of these legs and this face, the blondness acted as a beacon, illuminating him for any bully looking for an easy mark. It still does. The tough carapace he constructed then so painstakingly now armors him on the streets of Bay City.

Starsky teases that it’s a heavy burden to be so beautiful. Not that Starsky escapes the pretty-boy label himself, when the uniforms wolf-whistle as the two of them walk down the corridor at Metro — “here they come, Hall and Oates!” — and Hutch wonders if the bullies followed him all the way from Duluth.

It’s not that Hutch doesn’t like his looks. It’s just that he knows them to be a glamour, an enchantment to deceive the eye of the beholder. It’s a costume he’s not entirely comfortable wearing, like the height he never quite grew into, clumsiness still ambushing him when he’s self-conscious and reaching for cool; a nagging feeling that he’ll never live up to the golden-boy exterior.

He doesn’t trust it, doesn’t trust people’s reactions to it, the assumptions they make. The blond handsomeness is a weapon he’s not always in control of, with a tendency to backfire on him and on others.

He uses it sometimes, beats himself up for it later. None of it feels earned.

Starsky, God bless him, sees right through that shimmering golden glow. He treats the combined effect of Hutch’s eyes, hair, legs, smile as an amusing personal eccentricity, like his eating habits or taste in cars. Starsky sees it, enjoys it even, just doesn’t give much weight to it. It’s Hutch’s thoughts, words, actions he cares about. And the guitar-playing— now, that he rates.

So Hutch gets a buzz from Starsky’s teasing compliments that he never gets elsewhere. Starsky takes all that good-looking blondness, wraps it up and makes him a gift of it. Hutch tries to ignore the bashful flutter in his belly each time Starsky casually acknowledges his looks — Hutch is cute, I’m careful.

When Starsky says it, Hutch believes him.

So when he hears C’mon you big blond beauty, I’m gonna take you home and tuck you in — well, there’s no power on earth that can make him say no to that.