For Better or For Worse

The first time Hutch kissed his scars, Starsky cried. It took both of them by surprise but especially Starsky himself. It didn’t register at first. He had no idea it was happening. He didn’t know why his chest felt constricted or why his eyes were stinging or why his face was wet.

Then Hutch tenderly kissed the tears and wiped the wet cheeks with his thumbs and that was all it took for the floodgates to be ripped right off their hinges. Starsky started sobbing uncontrollably. Every negative emotion, all the pain, fear, anxiety, grief, anger and frustration that had been dammed up and churning behind the levee of bravery was finally breaking free.

Hutch held him tight. His eyes were brimming with tears too, his partner’s emotional pain affecting him intensely yet feeling also a kind of relief. The pressure needed an outlet and this was it.

“Let it out, baby,” he whispered in Starsky’s ear. “Let all the poison out. I got you. You’re safe. I’m here. I’ll always be here. I love you so very much, every part of you.”

Starsky tried to speak but the emotions were overwhelming. All he could do was sob quietly as he listened to Hutch telling him how he was the bravest and strongest man Hutch had ever known. How Hutch loved his scars because they were proof that Starsky had fought tooth and nail for the life they shared. How those same scars made Starsky even more beautiful. How loving Starsky had changed Hutch’s entire life. How it had transformed his world into a place of joy and extraordinary colors. As extraordinary as Starsky himself.

“I carry your heart in mine. So that we are always together even when we’re apart. So I can protect it for all eternity. You and I together, we’re invincible,” Hutch said.

He stroked Starsky’s hair with one hand, his fingers massaging the scalp underneath the way he knew Starsky liked while the other hand rubbed comforting circles on Starsky’s back. Hutch kissed the silky curls and what part of his face he could reach and in between kisses he kept whispering, “I love you.”

Starsky held onto Hutch and breathed him in, the familiar scent and warmth soothing. The smell and warmth of home. The tidal wave that had swept him was slowly receding and now tiredness was taking its place. Hutch’s arms were the best and safest place to sleep in, his exhausted mind told him. Blanketed by love and surrounded by tenderness that glued all his untethered pieces back together, making him feel whole again.

Then Hutch started singing softly the love songs he had written for Starsky. The last thing Starsky remembered hearing before Morpheus took him in his own arms was a beautiful lullaby Hutch’s mother used to sing to Hutch when he was little to help him sleep and comfort him when he was sick or hurt.

~~~~~

The quality of the light coming through the window when Starsky woke up, told him it was sometime before dawn. He felt light as a feather and settled in a way he hadn’t felt in months. He sensed that now he could finally begin to heal on the inside too.

Hutch was deeply asleep next to him with his arms still around him. Starsky moved a little and Hutch mumbled something, tightened his hold on him and pulled him closer. Starsky had never felt more loved or wanted. He felt loved by Love itself.

At some point during his outburst the previous night Hutch had told him, “I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, then you would see how beautiful and amazing you really are.”

In that pre-dawn moment, looking at the love of his life sleeping peacefully by his side, Starsky started seeing himself through Hutch’s eyes for the first time and swore he would move Heaven and Earth to make the man in whose arms he was lying the happiest in the entire universe. He left a tiny kiss on Hutch’s chest, closed his eyes and, smiling, he started planning his marriage proposal.