Me and Thee Interrupted

Starsky and Hutch are trying to process what happened in the Cabrillo State Mental Institution (Murder Ward). Both feel as if something is interrupting their bond.

Starsky POV, Hutch POV, third person conclusion. Title art belongs to Lapfordlass. First published October 2021.

Story concludes in ‘Regular Programming Resumed’.

Part One – Starsky

I’ve faced mortality before; both the mortality of others and my own.

I was just a kid when my Pop was taken from us. One day he was like Superman in my eyes. The next day, he was revealed as just a frail human being whose life had been cut short. I realised something profound then – if he could die then so could any other adult in my life. It took me a while to get past that shock and over the anxiety it caused.

My own mortality hit me on a rainy day in ‘Nam when the guy next to me was hit by a bullet and died instantly. I was shot, but survived. Why him and not me? It could just as easily have been the other way around. After that I prayed that if death came it would be swift – no hanging around in the agony of a slow lingering demise or worse being left with a life-changing injury. No thanks, not for me. Took me a while to get over that trauma and guilt too. Survivors’ guilt they call it. But after some time I accepted that I had survived and that was all right. It was allowed. Eventually, I came out stronger. I also decided to embrace life to the full from then on whatever it threw at me.

But then this.

Not so much a realisation of mortality as a forced acknowledgement of deep vulnerability – a complete loss of control over my own fate and utter reliance on another to keep me safe and alive. It would sound stupid if I said it out loud because everyone knows that Hutch and I have always relied on each other to keep us both safe and alive, ever since the day we became partners. He’s never let me down and he never could.

But this time, this particular undercover situation, was different.

Being held against my will; knowing I had no control over my situation at all; having no means to defend myself or get myself out of a jam – how did that make me feel? Well, I’ve never felt that vulnerable before in my life. Guess the last time I would actually have been that reliant on others would have been as a baby needing my parents for protection and I don’t remember anything about that time.

But in Cabrillo State Mental Institution, I suddenly found myself as vulnerable as a baby and almost as unable to communicate. Thank goodness Hutch and I have always managed to do a lot of talking without words. We can telegraph complex thoughts and feelings with just the look in our eyes.

At least that was one thing that was still true on the ward in Cabrillo. Even wrapped in a straightjacket and gagged, I could ‘tell’ Hutch how I was feeling, how scared I was. He wanted to pull me out, and get Jane out too. He was sure what we were trying to do was too dangerous. But despite my fear, I convinced him that we had to press on. It wasn’t because I felt I was invincible, just the opposite in fact, it was because the people in that place needed us to get to the bottom of what was going on and protect them. You couldn’t be any more ‘voiceless’ than those inmates and for that reason alone, I knew me and Hutch had to help them.

But that feeling of vulnerability has taken hold of me and a feeling of powerlessness has seeped into my soul that has frightened me deeply – it’s showing itself in my nightmares and my waking thoughts and I don’t know how to make it go away. Maybe it has to do with failing my partner – by insisting we stay undercover, I put him in danger. When he looked through the window at me with that befuddled look on his face, my relief was enormous. Hutch was there, he would save me. Then he was gone and the nightmare really started – the face of a madman peering through the window at me and then disappearing in the same direction Hutch had gone.

He needed me and I wasn’t there for him. ‘Me and thee’ had failed for one brief moment. Not because of either of us, just because of the desperate situation. I feel like…I’m not sure what I’m feeling right now. I just know that something is still interrupting the flow of our ‘me and thee’ bond and I gotta find a way to fix it.

Wish tomorrow would come already so I can go see Hutch and talk about it. If only I could get to sleep, the morning would soon be here, but sleep is a long way off. When I close my eyes to rest, my heart starts pounding with terror, reliving the situation. It’s a double terror – firstly, knowing my own death is looming and, secondly, that I can’t save my partner from his.

Last night I slept on the couch at Hutch’s. Neither of us wanted to be alone: both unsettled by what we’d been through; both needing to reassurance. I wanted to make sure that Hutch was okay physically and emotionally after being drugged and attacked – to be there for him in case old memories were dragged up. I guess he wanted to make sure I was okay too; that facing death at the hands of a sadistic doctor, who was far madder than any of his patients, hadn’t rocked my equilibrium beyond fixing.

I assured him I was okay. I didn’t mean to lie; I just didn’t realise that the terror had been laid down right at the start by my incarceration and my being restrained and it was now bedded in deep. The secondary fear of my death was almost incidental, but I didn’t know how to explain that to him then. I know Hutch is struggling with what we’ve been through, but I can’t help him when I can’t help myself.

Now, as I sit at my table staring into a shot of untasted whiskey, I wish I was back at Hutch’s apartment again. Somehow the presence of my partner would soothe away my fears and allow me to sleep and hopefully do the same thing for him. Here tonight, all alone, peace refuses to fill my heart and sleep is just a vain promise that will never be kept.

Part Two – Hutch

How could I have been so stupid? Starsky will tell me that I’m being too hard on myself. He already has in fact, but I’m not ready to forgive myself just yet. I nearly got my partner killed. He was vulnerable and alone and I let myself be knocked out of commission. Stupid!

We both had misgivings – we should have listened to our gut instincts. I should have told Dobey we were pulling out of the assignment as soon as I saw the reality of how Starsky would be treated. I know that Dobey will remind me that it was Starsky’s choice to go in as a patient because he knew I had more chance of passing myself off as a doctor. He’d say he also knew what he was getting himself into and was fully prepared…But, no he wasn’t. Nobody could be prepared for the reality of being an inmate at Cabrillo. He was drugged three times in one weekend! Goodness only knows whether there will be any aftereffects from that. I’ll have to look out for them and watch over him the next few days.

And Dobey didn’t see what I saw: my partner’s eyes – as he realised his complete vulnerability and reliance on me! I’ve never seen him look so terrified. That’s going to haunt me for a long time, as is the knowledge that I nearly failed him because of a rookie mistake. Eating that apple – what was I thinking? If flogging was still an option, I think I’d deserve it.

Starsky will say nobody would think Matwick could drug my apple in the few seconds my back was turned, but I should have been more vigilant, more careful. Less stupid. I know, I know, I’m crying over spilt milk and it all turned out right in the end. Doesn’t help with how I’m feeling.

And it was nobody’s fault that we didn’t recognise Deek – he had changed so much from the time we arrested him until now. Even two good detectives couldn’t be expected to predict the actions of the truly insane. I was even able to help my partner catch Matwick so I should feel good about that, but I couldn’t get to him when he needed me and that is tearing me apart.

Seeing him through that tiny window, yet being so drugged I hardly knew what I was looking at…Well, at the time, it didn’t really click in my brain. But it has now. Every time I try to close my eyes, I see it: my partner tied down, on his stomach, knowing that Matwick is about to operate on him, and hoping for rescue.

When he saw me his eyes lit up and he called my name, but I couldn’t help him. I had to save my own skin. I ran. I know I couldn’t do anything else under the circumstances, but…

I never thought I could let him down like that. It’s a wound that has cut me deep and I don’t know how long it will take me to heal. ‘Me and thee’ has been interrupted and I don’t know when regular programming will be resumed.

If it hadn’t been for Miss Bycroft, my partner would be dead; and that thought compounds my sense of failure. I’m so grateful for whatever force for good stepped in and prompted her to set Starsky free. That it also meant he was able to save me is by the by. I’m just glad my partner is alive and kicking. I wish I could say he’s undamaged by the whole experience as well, but I know he’s hurting inside. He just hasn’t found the words yet to tell me everything he’s feeling.

He wouldn’t look at me last night long enough to connect or communicate. I know he doesn’t blame me so it’s not for that reason. I think it’s because he doesn’t want to overload me with his fears, but that’s what I’m here for. I know he trusts me enough to share everything however bad it might be, just like I trust him. maybe his hesitancy is just because he doesn’t have the right words yet. If we could make sure that ‘me and thee’ is working again, it would help him as much as it would help me. I’m certain of it.

Starsky stayed here last night and that helped us both a little. At least it began the process of sewing the threads back together where they’ve been damaged. I was glad he stayed; I was able to watch him as he slept on the couch and soothe his brow when he was plagued by nightmares. I wish he was here now. Maybe we’d both sleep better for knowing the other is close at hand.

I bet he’s awake now, even though it’s three in the morning. It’s weird, but I’m sure I can feel his restlessness even from so far away. Maybe I’ll go out for a drive and, if I pass by and the lights are on, I’ll knock on the door and see if he wants to talk.

Part Three – Me and Thee

There’s a knock on the door and then it opens slowly. Starsky smiles even before he turns to see who it is.

“Hey, pal. No sleep for you either?”

“Not much, no,” Hutch says as he crosses the apartment and joins Starsky at the table.

An empty shot glass is already sitting waiting and Starsky pours some of the amber liquid into it and pushes it across the table towards his partner, without looking at him.

“How’d you know I’d come over?” Hutch asks.

Starsky shrugs. “How’d you know I’d be awake?” he counters.

They both take a sip of the whiskey and then place their glasses back on the table. Hutch waits and, although it takes several long minutes, Starsky finally looks up at him. There’s vulnerability and fear pouring out of Starsky’s eyes, but no recrimination. Hutch has to swallow down the lump that’s appeared in his throat.

“I’m sorry.”

Starsky frowns. “Sorry for what? You got nothing to be sorry for, Blintz.”

“I should have pulled the plug as soon as we got there, Gordo. As soon as I realised how vulnerable your position was. I didn’t have your back.”

Starsky shakes his head fondly and reaches across the table, hand open towards his partner. Reluctantly, Hutch places his hand in Starsky’s, not because he doesn’t crave the affirmation of forgiveness in Starsky’s touch but because he doesn’t believe he deserves it yet. Starsky squeezes his partner’s hand and shakes it warmly before releasing it.

“Stop beating yourself up, pal. You wanted to pull the plug. Maybe I should have let you…” He looks away from Hutch’s gaze before adding in a low voice, “But those inmates needed us. I guess I’d make the same decision under the same circumstances. It’s just…I didn’t realise how…vulnerable I would be…I didn’t realise just how bad it was going to affect me.”

“Starsk?”

Slowly, Starsky looks back at his partner and their gazes lock. They realise that they can both see fragments of the wounded parts of each other that they can’t put into words just yet.

“I was wondering: Dobey said to take a few days off if we needed…Do you think we could borrow someone’s cabin for a couple of days? Just spend some time away from here, from what we do and…” Starsky’s voice trails off uncertainly.

“Take the time to properly recover from what we’ve been through, you mean?”

“Yeah.”

“Take some time for me and thee?”

Starsky nods. “Yeah, that too. Do you feel like we’ve been stretched a bit thin by this one? I can’t explain it, but something’s made this…” Starsky uses his hands to move between himself and Hutch as if describing a flow of something. “Bumpy. Not smooth.”

“Interrupted.”

Starsky fixes Hutch with a look of realisation. “Yeah, interrupted.”

“Sounds like a plan, buddy. I’ll ring Dobey or that guy from accounting and see if one of them would let us borrow their cabin.”

Hutch can see Starsky beginning to relax and that he looks sleepy all of a sudden.

“Hey, Gordo, why don’t you go try to get some sleep now?”

Starsky yawns. “I will if you will. You gonna stay here?”

“Might as well then I can make those phone calls early and, with any luck, we can get ready and head off as soon as we can.”

Starsky stands up and goes to collect a pillow and a blanket for Hutch, which he places on the couch.

“Sleep well, Starsk,” Hutch says.

“I think I will now we have a plan. What about you?” Starsky eyes his partner knowingly. “You got absolutely nothing to be sorry for. Alright? You listening to me? Let all that go and get some sleep. “

“Easier said than done, but I’ll try.”

Starsky crosses the room and pulls Hutch into an embrace.

“You didn’t let me down. I didn’t let you down. Our partnership is still built on solid ‘me and thee’ and that’s better than anyone else has got going for them.”

“Still me and thee,” Hutch echoes. As Starsky steps away, he mutters, “Regular programming to be resumed shortly.”

“Huh?”

Hutch smiles and shakes his head. “Don’t worry. We’ll talk more about all of this at the cabin, but right now we both need sleep.”

“’Kay. Night.”

“Night.”

Within a few minutes, there are the sounds of soft breathing and gentle snoring filling the air. Restorative sleep has arrived for both and full healing will follow after a few days spent in each other’s company talking both with words and without.