How “It” Led to “That”

It’s been almost a year since the Gunther attack. But one of the partners is still suffering.

Originally published in the 2023 SHareCon Zine.

Thanks to Babs and Daisy Morgan for their proofreading and editing.

Hello darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

It had been a long day. But when weren’t our days long? If Hutch would just hurry up and finish his report we could go home. I glanced over at him for about the hundredth time, and he was still just staring at the paper in the typewriter looking completely lost.

God, how many times I’d seen that look in the last few months. It didn’t help that without the mustache and shorter hair, he looked like a lost child. Not that I missed the dusty caterpillar. Good riddance to that thing as far as I was concerned. It marked a horrible time in our partnership that I hoped was well and good behind us. I just hadn’t been able to figure out where the lost look came from.

From where I was sitting everything was going great. It’d been months since the shooting. I was back on active duty. Hutch and me, we were back in sync. We were taking down the bad guys and working through our caseload like the old days. But something was just slightly off, and I’d not been able to put my finger on it.

“The” shooting. That’s how it was now referred to. No, that’s how I referred to it; Hutch only ever referred to it as “it.” Which now that I think about it is totally ridiculous. I mean, how many times have both of us been shot? Or shot at? Or involved in a shooting of guns? Hell, it happened today. How can we define just one of many like instances in our decade-plus long career to “the” shooting. But that’s what it has become.

Today’s shooting, not to be confused with “the” shooting, was really rather routine as far as shootings go. We got a call for a robbery in progress. We get there. I go around back. Hutch goes in the front. Bang, bang. A few shots fired. Nobody hurt. Uniforms arrive to take everyone away. Easy peasy. Just like always.

So why was it taking Hutch so long to wrap this up? I needed to hurry him along. “Hey Hutch. How much longer you gonna be pal? I’m starving. Hutch. HUTCH!”

He finally looked up at me as if he’d not heard anything I said. “What’s that, Starsk?”

“I said how much longer are you gonna be? I might need to go get a snack from the cafeteria.”

Already looking back down he mumbled, “Yeah, go ahead and do that.”

I thought the staring a hole through his head might make him look back up at me. I was wrong. Just to piss him off, I made as much noise as I could getting up and leaving the squad room. I didn’t even ask him if he wanted anything. Really showed him!

~~~

I couldn’t have been gone more than ten minutes, but when I came back he was gone. Not gone like gone home, just not at his desk gone. And for the love of God the report had not moved an inch in the typewriter. I wanted to strangle him. I looked at a couple of the other guys in the room with a questioning glance. All I got in return were some shoulder shrugs and head nods towards Dobey’s office. If he was in with Dobey it was going to be a while. T’rrific. Just t’rrific! I plopped down in my chair to eat my donut and wait it out. Although I don’t know why I bothered. We drove separately today. I could have gone home and called him later. But we just didn’t do that. So as mad as I was, I just resigned myself to waiting.

It wasn’t long before the quiet whisperings on the other side of the door became a little more clearly heard. Then again, once Dobey got going it was hard not to hear him. His baritone voice was unmistakable.

“I heard what happened today. That’s the third time in as many weeks! You can’t even watch your own back right now. How the hell do you think you can watch his?”

Hutch’s ever sarcastic reply of “You weren’t there. How could you possibly know what went down?” made me laugh. He will never learn when to back down with Dobey; I taught him well.

Dobey’s answer increased by a few decibels and made it clear this was no joking matter. “Unies, Hutch. Unies fill out reports too, and they generally don’t leave out important details like you and your partner are wont to do!”

At that, a few people decided they didn’t want to accidentally hear the rest of this not-so-private conversation and hightailed it out of the squad room. It got quiet again behind the door and I couldn’t hear anything Hutch said. What the hell was Dobey talking about anyway? It was a clean bust. Neither me or Hutch had even fired our weapons. The perps took a couple of shots at me as I came through the back door but . . .

Oh. Shots fired. At me. Come to think of it, once it was all over and I looked for Hutch, he was already back outside and the uniforms had the scene secured. I hadn’t even talked to him until we were back in the car. Had he been a little paler? He was sweating a lot but it’s been unusually hot this spring, and he’s wearing a flannel shirt for some ungodly reason. Had his hands been shaking when he fed the paper into the typewriter? Surely I was just trying to fit my memory to what I’d just overheard. Hutch is fine. I’m fine. We’re fine.

The shouting started again.

“I don’t need a fucking shrink!”

“Ken, sit your ass back down.”

Oh God. Dobey called him Ken. This is not good. Not good at all.

I heard and felt the chair give as Hutch, surprisingly, did as he was told. It was also at this point that the few remaining people in the squad room decided they had more pressing matters outside of the squad room. I was left alone wondering what was really going on behind that door. I didn’t have long to wait. Dobey’s voice was at an all-time high, even for him.

“You don’t think I know what you’re going through? Have you forgotten my partner died in the line of duty?”

Hutch got louder, too. “Yeah, and he stayed dead! You didn’t have to worry that it would ever happen again!”

And there it was.

I’d always liked Simon and Garfunkel’s The Sound of Silence, but don’t think I’d ever actually experienced it or completely understood its meaning. But now, with the utter silence in the room and on the other side of the door, the clarity of the song’s words began going through my head, and in an instant I understood what I’d been blind to for months and months.

Hutch was not fine.

I wanted to jump up and barge through the door, but my brain could not convince my legs to move. I needed to go in there and protect my partner. But Dobey’s words kept running through my head. “That’s the third time in as many weeks.” Had this happened before and I hadn’t noticed? Was I just so happy to be alive and back at work that I was overlooking how my partner was doing? Was Hutch freezing at scenes? That couldn’t possibly be happening. That had only happened once and that had been years ago. Dobey was completely out of line, and I needed to put a stop to it. But I was glued to the chair, and all I could hear now was more hushed chatter. Until it wasn’t hushed anymore.

“This is fucking bullshit and you know it, Cap’n!”

Dobey’s response, if there was one, was drowned out by a loud thud I couldn’t make out, followed by a slamming door. It was clear my agitated partner had left through Dobey’s other door to the hallway. Before I could get up to follow him, there was another bellow from the other side of the door.

“Starsky! Get your ass in here!”

I was in his office so fast he didn’t have time to clear his desk of Hutch’s gun and badge; he was still wiping his face with his handkerchief.

“What the hell, Cap’n? You suspended him?

“Dave, sit down.”

Oh this was going to be t’riffic. He’s starting with the “Dave” already.

~~~

Surprisingly, I did as I was told, too, and fell into the chair recently vacated by my partner. I didn’t have a chance to unclench my teeth and open my mouth before Dobey started in on me.

“So, you going to tell me what really happened out there today? You know, you can’t keep covering for him.”

“Covering for him?”

“And how about all the other times?”

“Other times?”

“He’s not been to his appointments in months.”

“Appointments?”

“He fell through the cracks. Or knowing how his mind works, he found a loophole and used it to his advantage to be back on the street with you.”

“Found a loophole?”

“Now my butt’s on the line. He’s not even cleared for street duty, yet he’s been out there with you for months! His ass should be behind a desk!”

“Not cleared for street duty?”

I heard it about the same time Dobey did. I sounded like an imbecile, but I could not figure out what in the hell he was talking about. It was like he was speaking in a foreign language and just kept getting louder and louder as if that would help me to understand.

“Starsky, quit repeating everything I’m saying and tell me what the hell is going on with your partner!”

I was again engulfed in the sound of silence. I tried to process all that the man across the desk had just said to me, but I didn’t even know where to start. I don’t know how long I sat gripping the arms of the chair like a life preserver, but I was suddenly aware that Dobey had moved from behind his desk and was now sitting next to me in the other chair wiping his face again. His next words were spoken so softly I turned to face him expecting to see a completely different person sitting there.

“I take it you’re in the dark about all of this, too?”

I could only nod my head. I wasn’t sure what would happen if I tried to open my mouth. When I said nothing, he continued in that same voice, I guess hoping it would have a calming effect on both of us.

“The backup uniforms at your last several incidents reported your partner to be slightly unbalanced. Today they arrived and found him just standing in the doorway staring at the back door, gun still in his holster. They had to forcibly move him to get inside. Last week, they saw him at the end of an alley throwing up. Before that, no eyes on him at all — they only saw you at the scene.”

“Cap’n, I’d have noticed if Hutch was unbalanced. Annoying, yes; unbalanced, no.”

“Have you not noticed? Or not wanted to notice?”

“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”

“Starsky, what has he told you about seeing the department psychiatrist?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Nothing really, just that he’d seen her a few times right after the shooting since the department required it. I’m sure he told her what she wanted to hear so he could get back to work, just like we always do.”

Dobey got up and wandered over to stare out the window, as if choosing his next words very carefully.

“I got a call from her today. Apparently when she initially saw Hutch while you were still in the hospital, he was totally unresponsive in any of their sessions. She referred him to a colleague outside of the department who works with veterans. She did not sign off on him returning to anything but desk duty. When she came across his file on her desk this morning, she realized his authorization to return to full duty was missing. When she called the colleague to get the document, she learned Hutch stopped seeing him back in January, and even before that, he’d missed over half of his appointments.”

I couldn’t believe what I’d just heard. “January? That’s when I came back. Wait? Are you telling me he’s been on desk duty since I got shot? And that he’s never been cleared to be back on the street?”

Thinking back on it, I quickly realized I didn’t know if he was on desk duty or active duty with a temporary partner. He never talked about it. I guess I just assumed he was on desk duty the whole time I was in the hospital, then went back on full duty once I went home. I mean, he left to go to work every day.

“Starsky, he wasn’t on desk duty while you were in the hospital. After he wrapped up the Gunther investigation, he took an unpaid leave of absence. He only came back once you left the hospital and only then part time and limited duty. When you were fully cleared for street duty, it’d been so long I didn’t even think about if Hutch had been cleared or not. Not until the psychiatrist called today.”

“Back up just a minute, Cap’n. You’re telling me the whole time I was in the hospital Hutch wasn’t even working?” I was beginning to feel like I was in an episode of “The Twilight Zone.” How could I have missed all of this?

Dobey sighed. “You know how stubborn he is. I pulled as many strings as I could to give him as much leave as possible. It eventually ran out but he wouldn’t budge. Didn’t you wonder why he was always there?”

Now that Dobey mentioned it, Hutch was always sitting in that chair next to my bed in the hospital every single time I woke up. “Well Cap’n, I was kinda out of it a lot and lost track of time easily. I guess I didn’t think it was much different than all the other times one of us was in the hospital and the other taking up space in the chair. But what do you mean he only came back part time?”

He was again looking at me like I’d lost my mind, but I just couldn’t wrap my brain around everything that had been said. He took a deep breath and continued in that soft voice.

“Son, he was so devoted to you and your recovery, he would not be swayed to leave your side. Once you went home I tried to get him to come back to work full time; he desperately needed to get back to somewhat of a normal schedule. The only thing he would agree to was a part-time, flexible schedule so that he could continue to take you to your therapy and doctor’s appointments. Edith even talked to him, told him she’d help you get to appointments so he could come back to work. And you know how persuasive Edith can be. He would not agree to any of it. Honest to God, Dave, I was afraid if I didn’t give in to his demands he’d turn in his badge and I’d lose him completely, and I don’t just mean on the job.”

I don’t think I’d ever been more stunned in my entire life. “You don’t seriously think Hutch would do himself in?”

“I thought so then. And I think it even more now. You need to get out there and find him.”

~~~

In restless dreams, I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone

His car was not in front of Venice Place, but I hadn’t really expected to find him home. He’d left in a rage and I knew damn well he wouldn’t be in a talking mood. He would have gone somewhere where even I couldn’t find him.

As I walked up the steps, my breath hitched. God, when was the last time I’d climbed this staircase? Now that my eyes were open, I realized it’d been months. Hutch was either at my place, we were at Huggy’s, or he was just home. Alone. Always with one excuse or another.

At the time, I’d written it off as his needing time away from me. I mean, since “the” shooting he’d been by my side non-stop. He rarely left the hospital, and once I came home he’d lived with me for what, three, four months? We both needed some space after that. But I’d been back on active duty since January. Surely I’d been over here in the last four months.

Christmas. I was here at Christmas for our annual “I’m bringing a tree and we’re decorating it whether you like it or not” soiree. That’s the last time I can remember and now it’s April. Four months this has been going on and I haven’t had a fucking clue.

I was fully prepared for what I might find in my partner’s apartment when I opened the door. I mean, I’ve known the guy for over 10 years. I know all about his compulsive tendencies and his less than stellar housekeeping skills. Even though I’d not actually stepped foot inside his place in a while, I knew I would find it to be void of real food (that health food shit he eats is not real food), dirty dishes filling the sink, sheet music spread haphazardly about the piano, dirty clothes on every surface not covered by a plant and a thin layer of dirt and grime.

As much as I knew about him, I’d never been able to figure out how he could be so fastidious with his looks and clothes yet so sloppy in every other aspect of his life. So when I opened his door, it was none of these things that stopped me in my tracks.

Turns out I was not at all prepared for what I found. I froze. I could barely make it across the threshold, the scene was so paralyzing. What finally got me moving was the unmistakable urge to throw up. I barely made it to the bathroom.

I returned in a cold sweat to the living room not able to take my eyes off the coffee table. It was devoid of clutter except for nine items arranged in a completely neurotic three by three grid. Those nine things told a story I was not ready to hear.

A bottle of scotch. A bottle of vodka. A condom. A pack of cigarettes. A lighter. A spoon. A short piece of rubber tubing. A needle.

And in the coveted middle square, a small packet of light brown powder.

I didn’t need to be a detective to know it was heroin. All of Hutch’s perceived vices, real or not, in what looked to be a tic-tac-toe game of death. All of them just waiting to see which row would win.

I could have dealt with the first three. Drowning the could’ves of our lives with a bottle was something we had both been known to do. And a meaningless one night stand? Of course the White Knight would have the sense to use protection. I could even give him a concession on the cigarettes and lighter. We’d both smoked before we entered the Academy, only stopping when neither one of us could finish the obstacle course.

I might even be able to overlook the next three, realizing where his mind might have been. But to see the heroin smack in the middle of the table was just too much.

Collapsing on the couch I couldn’t take my eyes off of it. How had he gotten it? Why had he gotten it? And for fuck’s sake, why hadn’t I had any inkling things had gotten this bad for the single most important person in my life?

God, how long had these been here? My superior detective skills told me a while. The liquor clearly hadn’t been opened, and there was a fine layer of dust on everything, the only disturbance being squiggly lines drawn in the dust around them. If it wasn’t so horrifying it could have been a 3-year old’s finger painting proudly displayed on the fridge.

“Superior detective skills my ass! Some fucking detective I am that I can’t see my own partner plummeting into a death spiral . . . think, man, THINK!”

I leaned back on the couch. For the first time in the last hour I was relieved Dobey had suspended Hutch and taken his gun. That’s all I needed right now — an armed, unstable partner just waiting for the chance to blow his brains out.

I was missing something. Something big. Why two liquor bottles? Nothing else was repeated on the board. It’s as if one of them was a placeholder for something else in this Russian roulette game of life and death.

Russian roulette.

“OH GOD! OH FUCK! NO NO NO NO NO NO!” I was off the couch and in Hutch’s bedroom in a second. I didn’t have to dig around a bunch of clothes in his closet to find what I was looking for; he’d already moved them out of the way. His gun safe was open. And it was empty.

~~~

I don’t know if it was the shrill ringing of the phone or the simultaneous clap of rare spring thunder that brought me out of my paralysis. I dug the phone out from under the pile of clothes, and prayed it was him looking for me.

“HUTCH?”

“Starsky!”

“Cap’n?”

“I need you back to the office right now.”

“Cap’n it’s not a great time. Can’t you put someone else on it?”

“Dave, it’s Ken. He’s here.”

Hours later when I finally had the wits to send Huggy back to Hutch’s to flush the heroin, he told me he’d found the door wide open and the phone still off the hook.

~~~

And in the naked light, I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more

Thank God the traffic was light at this time of night. I kept feeling like I was going to throw up again but I pushed it back down. I did not have time to stop for such trivialities. And when the hell did it start raining? Could this night get any worse?

Since I’d not exactly given Dobey a chance to actually tell me where Hutch was at the precinct, I was debating which door to go in. I decided on the front door because it was closer.

I skidded to a stop, not even in a parking spot and ran up the steps and through the door. I must have left the car door open too; it was soaking wet when I finally got back in the car later.

Minnie was waiting for me at the door.

“Minnie, where the hell is he?”

She had tears in her eyes. “Oh Starsky . . . .”

Oh God! Hutch, if you’ve hurt yourself I’m going to fucking kill you! I grabbed her by the arms. “Where, Minnie?”

“Captain Dobey’s waiting for you in the back parking lot.”

I left her there and ran to the back of the precinct. Dobey, the S.W.A.T. Lieutenant, Babcock and Simmons were standing just outside the open door under the overhang along with a handful of uniforms. Naturally Simonetti and Dryden were there, too.

For what felt like the hundredth time tonight I was not prepared at all for what I saw. Black and whites had all the entrances blocked and were parked hood to trunk around the outer part of the parking lot. It looked like a fucking cowboy movie with the wagons circling. The S.W.A.T. guys were positioned behind the squad cars. And two ambulances were on the street — just waiting.

~~~

In the darkened shadows I could see Hutch sitting with his back against his car, seemingly oblivious to the rain that had drenched him. The glare from the streetlights provided just enough light for me to see the glint of his Smith and Wesson, just like the one he used to carry early in our partnership before he switched to his Magnum.

“How long’s he been here?” I asked no one in particular.

Babcock was next to me in a second. “Sims and I saw him when we came back about half an hour ago. We could tell it was bad so we went straight to Dobey.”

“What I want to know is where the hell did he get that gun?”

“Aw, come on Cap’n. Don’t tell me you don’t have a gun or two hidden somewhere in your house?” His look told me he didn’t and that we’d be having a conversation about that at a later date.

Without thinking I started towards him. Dobey grabbed me by the arm and shoved a vest into my chest.

“Put this on.”

“I’m not putting on a vest. He takes one look at me in a vest and he knows I don’t trust him.”

The S.W.A.T. lieu got in my face. “Sergeant, no one goes close to him without a vest. You know that’s standard operating procedure.”

“Fuck standard operating procedure! That’s my partner. If he’s gonna take himself out he’ll have to take me with him. He’s not leaving me behind.”

I ripped my arm out of Dobey’s grip and started climbing over the hood of the patrol car. I wasn’t even over to the other side when Sims called out.

“Starsky, what can we do? You want me and Babs to come with you?”

“I better do this by myself, Sims. But how about getting Simonetti the hell out of here. This has nothing to do with him.”

“My pleasure!”

I vaguely heard the scuffle between Babs, Sims and that asshole as I made my way slowly over to Hutch.

As I got closer I could see his lips moving. His wrists were resting on his drawn up knees with his hands dangling in front. The Smith and Wesson was in constant motion. I stopped several feet from him and squatted onto my toes. In the most calming voice I could muster, I called out to him. “Hutch. Hutch. Can you hear me buddy?”

Without looking away from whatever it was he was staring at, he finally answered. “I couldn’t save you Starsk. I yelled for you to get down but it was too late. I’m so sorry I let you down. I just couldn’t save you.”

I scooted forward a little bit closer but still didn’t reach out to touch him; I was scared to startle him, especially since I could see the safety was off the gun. “Whadda ya talkin’ about, Hutch? I’m right here. I’m still here with you.”

He brought the barrel of the gun to his head and scratched his temple with it. “No, I tried but I just couldn’t stop them. Look at all the blood. All your blood. It’s still there.”

I turned my head to follow his gaze. Shit!! In the rain I could clearly see what he couldn’t take his eyes off. The mechanics had worked their magic on the asphalt after “the” shooting and had removed all the blood stains. But in the rain you could clearly see where the blood had been.

Instantly I knew it didn’t have to be raining for Hutch to see them. He saw them every damn day. God, how many times had we walked past that spot in the last four months! Or him by himself in the last eleven months. I briefly wondered how often he just sits in his car staring at that God-awful spot.

“But you did save me, Hutch. I’m right here. Alive. All because of you. I wouldn’t be here today without you. Hutch? Can you hear me? How about you give me that gun?”

“NO!”

“No, what? Come on, Hutch. I’m right here.”

“No, you can’t have my gun. Dobey already took one from me. How am I supposed to watch your back without a gun? I gotta have it, Starsk. I let you down once and look what happened. Never again.”

He wasn’t making much sense, and I was having a hard time following him. I scooted forward a little bit more. “Hutch, I need ya to look at me, pal. I’m right here. Hand me the gun ‘cause I gotta be honest with you. You’re makin’ a lotta people real nervous waving that thing around.”

I inched a little bit more until my knees were touching his hip. “Hutch. Look at me right now.”

After what felt like an hour he slowly turned his head. Even with all the rain, I could see tears streaming down his cheeks. It took him a minute to focus his eyes, then seemed to recognize me. He smiled ever so slightly.

“Hey, Starsk. It’s good to see you, pal. God, I’ve missed you.”

“Hutch, whadda ya talkin’ about? I saw you like two hours ago.”

“Nope. It’s been almost a year, Starsk. And I just can’t do it any more. I couldn’t save you, and I just can’t be here without you any more.” He started waving the Smith and Wesson again and I swear I could hear the S.W.A.T. team ready their weapons.

“Hutch. HUTCH! I need you to give me your gun right now. Give it to me and then we’re gonna get up real slow and go inside where it’s warm and dry. OK? Hutch? You with me, pal?”

My eyes were constantly darting back between his face and his finger on the trigger. As soon as I saw his grip loosen and his finger move, I slowly reached over and, wrapping my hand around his, I put the safety on. After securing the gun, I tucked it into the back of my jeans and leaned my head into his. I felt a tremor go through him.

“Me and Thee, Starsk, the way it should always be. I’ve finally done it and I’m back with you.”

I was still confused by what he was saying, but I wasn’t about to argue with him. “That’s right Hutch. Me and Thee. Just like always.”

I stood up, and as I put out my hands to pull him up, I braced myself. He’d always had a good fifteen or so pounds on me, but even more lately since I still wasn’t up to my fighting weight after “the” shooting.

But as I made the effort to pull, he popped right up and almost flew into me, nearly knocking us both over. As he leaned in to me and draped his arms over my shoulders, I wrapped my arms around his waist and held him tight. I was stunned. He must’ve been down 25 pounds and I’d not noticed! In his dark days he thought he was hiding his weight gain with those God-awful bowling shirts but clearly now he was using them to hide his weight loss. I’d hoped they’d have gone the way of the mustache. But the one time I’d hinted at it, his rebuttal made it clear I needed to back off. That’s one of the many great things about our partnership and knowing each other as long as we have. We both know when to keep pushing and when to back off. Only as we walked across the parking lot, I realized that I should have been pushing a hell of a lot more over the last few months.

~~~

Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you

Once at the hospital, they quickly moved Hutch into a room, and I was left standing there alone — again — like so many other times when we’d arrived at the hospital together. Knowing it would be a while before they’d let me see him, I found the nearest phone and called Huggy. I didn’t tell him much, didn’t need to. He could hear in my voice it wasn’t good. I asked him to go by Hutch’s to take care of the heroin, only I didn’t actually say that. I just told him he’d know what I was talking about when he got there. And to bring me some dry clothes.

Either he broke every speed limit in the city or I was lost in my own hell of thoughts longer than I realized. Before I knew it he was next to me in the waiting room. He didn’t say anything, just nodded his head, letting me know he’d taken care of it. He even handed me Hutch’s key which told me he was thinking the same thing I was. We certainly didn’t need Simonetti wandering over to Hutch’s sticking his nose where it didn’t belong.

I was just coming back from changing when a nurse came out to find me. “Detective Starsky, you may see your partner now. Please follow me.”

As I walked away with her, Huggy called after me, “Hey Starsky. Give Blondie a hug from me.” I nodded my head and kept walking. I followed the nurse down the hallway. She stopped and opened the door for me but didn’t go in. “You can go on in. The doctor will be in shortly.”

For the second time in a day, I was frozen in the threshold of a doorway, almost as paralyzed as I had been at his apartment. I had to force myself over to the far side of the bed, once again pushing down the nausea churning in my stomach.

He was lying on the bed with his eyes closed, but I could tell he wasn’t asleep. But he really wasn’t with me either. I gripped his wrist and rubbed my thumb on the back of his hand more for my comfort than his. I stared at his face — that lost boy looking face. How was it only a few hours ago that I’d been staring at that same face with that same lost look in the squad room? It seemed like a lifetime ago.

I don’t know how long I stood there before I heard the door open. I looked up as Edith walked in. She came around the same side of the bed I was on and wrapped her arm around my waist. She spoke in a tone that I could imagine her using often with Cal and Rosie. “David, the doctor is ready to talk to you in an office down the hall. Harold and Huggy are just outside the door to go with you.”

“I can’t leave him, Edith. I just can’t. Now that I know how he is, I just can’t leave him by himself.”

“I’ll be right here with him. You go find out what you need to do to get him the help he needs.” And with that she took his hand out of mine, wrapped her delicate fingers around those long strong ones and gently pushed me towards the door. “We’ll be waiting right here for you to come back.” I didn’t look back but could hear her start shushing in a low sweet voice, “Ssshhh, Ken, you’re safe now. Everything’s going to be alright.”

~~~

We sat in three chairs across from a desk, Huggy on one side of me and Dobey on the other. We didn’t wait long before the door opened and a gray-haired guy dressed in casual clothes about Dobey’s age came in and leaned against the desk facing us. He got right to the point. “Detective Starsky … David. I’m Doctor Fitzgerald. May I call you David?”

“I don’t care what the hell you call me as long as you tell me Hutch is gonna be alright.” Maybe that wasn’t the best way for us to start out. Both Hug and Dobey placed their hands on my arms making sure I stayed seated.

“David, I’m assuming you know your partner had been seeing me off and on since last May. Although more off than on and not at all since January. He’s suffering from PTSD, post traumat…“

“I KNOW WHAT IT IS! I WAS IN THE FUCKING JUNGLE!”

I tried to jump up to get in his face, but Huggy and Dobey kept me in the chair. This clown was not telling me anything I didn’t already know, even if I was a little slow on the uptake. He leafed through a file folder, then continued in that really annoying calm voice all shrinks seem to have.

“It’s clear to me that the incident your Captain told me you were both involved in today has triggered, for lack of a better word, a breakdown of sorts for Detective Hutchinson. He simply cannot cope with the stress of your jobs and, you specifically David, being in harm’s way. Without an outlet to discuss his fears and anxiety, which he had when he was seeing me, it was bound to happen sooner or later. Today was the day.”

Dobey must have known I was at the end of my rope, so he asked the question I could not.

“So where do we go from here? There must be something we can do to help him.”

Dr. Fitzgerald, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes, took a minute before answering. I thought I was going to punch him in the face if he didn’t start talking soon. “I’ve been reviewing Ken’s file from the hospital and I see that you are his power of attorney. Is that correct, David?”

“Yeah, but what’s that got to do with this?” I could feel the fog starting to take over my brain again. He was about to say something that I should see coming but it’s just out of reach. Again.

“After the incident today, it is of my professional opinion that Ken is in desperate need of an intensive, round the clock psychiatric intervention program. David, as his power of attorney, you can have him admitted to a psychiatric facility tonight so he can begin getting the help he needs immediately.”

This time Dobey and Huggy could not keep me down; I was out of the chair before this twit finished his sentence. “Are you out of your fucking mind? There is no way in hell I’m sending him to Cabrillo!”

It was Huggy’s turn to try to calm me down and he was by my side in a second. “Starsky, let the man finish. Hutchie, he’s in a bad spot and he needs our …your…help. Man, you know he’d move the earth to help you. Let’s hear what he needs and do the same for him.”

Staring into those brown eyes I could see that this had Hug feeling as lost as I was. I nodded and let him guide me back to the chair.

Taking a deep breath I looked back up at Dr. Fitzgerald. “Sorry Doc. It’s been a bit of a day, and I just don’t think I can take one more surprise. Can’t I just take him home? I promise I’ll bring him to all his appointments. But I just can’t put him in a place like Cabrillo. That will kill him.”

Dr. Fitzgerald smiled ever so slightly at me. “David, I understand your reluctance. Those state-run facilities, like Cabrillo, are terribly understaffed and do the best they can with what they have. Quite frankly they could not provide Ken with the help he needs. But there are other options. I recommend admitting Ken to a private facility. There are several excellent ones nearby, one in L.A. and another in Manhattan Beach are two that I suggest. That way he’ll still be close by. Why don’t I leave you three to discuss it and I’ll make some calls to see if we can get him in one of those tonight?”

And just like that he was gone.

My elbows dropped to my knees and my face to my hands. I could feel tears in my eyes. I was beginning to feel like I was the one who needed to be committed. Huggy’s hand stayed on my arm, but Dobey’s had moved to my back.

After a few minutes, or maybe hours, hell I don’t know, he started in with that soft, calming voice again. The one I was utterly unfamiliar with. “Dave, what do you want to do? It’s up to you to decide for him.”

I sat up and looked at each of them. They had moved their chairs so they were right at my knees, facing each other but looking at me.

“Well I’m not sending him to Cabrillo, that’s for damn sure. But something private? There’s no way either of us can pay for that! Hutch has less money in his savings account than I do right now. And that’s only because he paid for my last tune-up.”

They both looked at each other, and I noticed Huggy raise an eyebrow. Dobey returned the glance with a nod.

“Will you two stop doing that!”

Huggy looked at me. “Doing what?

“Lookin’ at each other but not sayin’ anything. It’s like you’re having a little conversation all to yourselves.”

Huggy grinned. “Calling the kettle black aren’t you?”

“What?”

Now Dobey was smiling. “Unnerving, isn’t it? Now you know how the rest of us mere mortals have felt all these years. Son, there’s a way to pay for it. Just think about it.”

Thinking about it was easier said than done. If I’d been thinking at all over the last six months we wouldn’t be sitting here right now, me thinking about putting my best friend in the looney bin then skipping down to South America to rob a bank to pay for it. Thinking hurt. Everything hurt. But mostly my heart hurt. Those two sets of brown eyes just kept boring into me, willing me to figure out what I was once again missing. It was that damn sound of silence again. And once again I knew in an instant what Dobey was telling me.

“If you two think for one minute I’m asking those people who call themselves his parents for money you’re both out of your fucking minds!”

Wide eyes and a long release of air told me that’s not what Dobey or Huggy had been thinking. “Starsky, do you even read the documents you sign?’

“Aw Cap’n you know I’m no good at all the legal stuff; that’s Hutch’s department. He reads it all for me. If it’s good enough for him then it’s good enough for me. But what’s that got to do with any of this?”

“As your POLICE Captain that’s not very comforting to hear you’re not good with legal stuff so I’m going to ignore that. I’m sure if you were to look closely at your Power of Attorney it also gives you access to Hutch’s assets — his bank accounts. ALL of his bank accounts.”

“Doesn’t do me much good to have access to them when there’s nothin’ in ‘em.”

Another sigh from Dobey. I could tell he was losing his patience having to draw things out for me. Let’s face it. At this point Rosie would have been better at connecting the dots.

“Dave, who do you think paid all your hospital bills after you were shot?”

“The department, right? I mean my insurance covered it. Right?” Oh God. I could tell by the way he was looking at me that I was about to hear something that once again I was not ready to hear.

“The department wanted to invoke medical retirement for you as quickly as possible. They never thought you’d recover enough to come back to work in any capacity and were looking to cut their losses. Once they moved you to a long term disability status, your health insurance only covered a small portion of your bills. Hutch was furious. He took it all the way up to the commissioner but he wouldn’t reconsider.”

Yet again I found myself only capable of staring slack-jawed at the person talking to me.

“Don’t you remember being moved from Memorial to Cedars-Sinai? Your overprotective partner was determined you would have the best care money could buy. He had you transferred as soon as you were stable enough.”

“So you’re telling me Hutch, my partner for the last ten years, the blond one, paid all my medical bills!?!? And just where the hell did he get all that money? He go to South America without me?”

It was Huggy’s turn to chime in. “I swear Starsky, do you and Hutch ever talk?”

“What’s that supposed to mean, Huggy? We talk all the time.”

“Seems like y’all been doing a whole lot of talking without really saying anything. Come on man, you have to know that Captain America is loaded!”

“Huggy, what the fuck are you talking about? Hutch’s parents have money. Hutch does not. I mean really, if he had even a little bit of money tucked away, why in the name of God is he driving around in that piece of shit he calls a car?”

“So, he’s never mentioned his trust funds to you? The one his grandfather left him? Or the one his dad set up for him?”

Fucking sound of silence.

~~~

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made

Recovering from “the” shooting was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Until now.

Signing those papers to have Hutch taken away made “the” shooting look like a walk in the park.

As they wheeled him away Edith squeezed my hand. I didn’t even know she’d been holding it. “David, he’s going to be OK. He’ll be OK without you for a few days.”

“I know he will. But I won’t.”

She wrapped her arms around me in a hug I desperately needed. It was the first time I can remember someone other than Ma, my grandma or Hutch holding me while I cried.

~~~

The next three months were both the longest and the shortest of my life. Hutch was in the “facility,” as they like to call it, almost a week before they let me see him. When I finally did he kept telling me he was sorry for putting me through all of this. I kept telling him to stop being a blintz and that we’d always have each other’s backs. I actually had to remind the dumb blond about Me and Thee.

He’d always been stronger than me. I don’t know if it was his upbringing or all the close calls I’d had — we’d both had — that allowed him to compartmentalize the tragedies. Or more likely a combination of the two. The sessions allowed him to open those compartments and finally get rid of the guilt he’d been harboring not only about “the” shooting but everything else he’d buried for decades.

I even started seeing Dr. Fitzgerald and we both had a bunch of sessions together. Boy, you think you know a guy, but I’m telling you, you really find out some stuff with a shrink sitting between the two of you. There was lots of yelling and lots of tears but we both came out the other side better off.

Ma came for a couple weeks which was nice; helped me not think about him all the time when I couldn’t see him. His parents didn’t come but they called me each week for an update, which was really more than I had expected.

The whole time he was in the “facility,” Dobey insisted I take a leave of absence. I think he was really the one behind Dr. Fitzgerald pushing me for some sessions. I tried to balk and tell him I’d be evicted if I wasn’t working. He guilted me into it by telling me Hutch wasn’t going to miss three months of my rent money out of his trust funds and that he needed me more than he needed the money.

Leave it to Dobey to find my achilles heel.

~~~

I knew in my heart he’d never be able to stay in Bay City. Even with all the progress he had made, the memories of “it” were just too much for him. Hell, I’d already started packing boxes at his apartment while he was still at the “facility.” But I was shocked when he told me he wanted to go home.

“Home? Like to Duluth? Are you sure that’s such a good idea? I mean, let’s face it Hutch, your trips back home don’t always go that great.”

He chuckled. “Starsk, I’ll be living in my grandfather’s house. There’s a barn and lots of acreage separating me and my dad. He’ll stay on his side and I’ll stay on mine.”

“I know. But home? You’d be better off goin’ to my home. Ma would love to have you there. She’d fatten’ you up in no time!”

I did convince him to buy new wheels before leaving. There wasn’t any way I was letting him drive 2,000 miles by himself in that rust bucket. New might be an exaggeration; we settled on a slightly used truck. He even let me pick the color.

Saying goodbye to him was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Even harder than “the” shooting and sending him to the “facility.” I couldn’t remember a time in the last ten years that I hadn’t seen him nearly every single day. How was I going to make it until November when I’m going to spend Thanksgiving in the frozen tundra? Who was going to watch his back? And who was going to watch mine? But I knew I had to let him go. I didn’t think either one of us could survive going through “that” again.

~~~

And the sign said, “The words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
In tenement halls
And whispered in the sound of silence”

It took me about a week to realize I’d made a horrible mistake in letting him go. OK, it really took about a day and a half. But it took me another week to figure out what I was going to do about it. I marched into Dobey’s office with my carefully typed letter, still unsure how I was going to break the news to him.

“Cap’n, this is going to be a shock but I’m turning in my….”

“Ah, Starsky! You can be the first to congratulate me. The papers just arrived.”

“Congratulate you on what, exactly?”

“My retirement!”

That niggling silence was trying to start again but I wouldn’t let it. “Your retirement?!?! First Hutch and now you? You can’t leave me here by myself!”

“But Dave….”

Oh boy, here we go.

“…once your transfer was approved, I figured I didn’t have a reason to stay. With my two best detectives gone, I decided it was time for me to go, too.”

I stared at the sheet of paper in my hand and then plopped into Hutch’s favorite chair. “Transfer? I thought I was resigning? Just where am I transferring to?” Now I was suspicious and gave him my best steely-eyed-scare-the-perp-look.

He leaned back and clasped his hands over his stomach, with what can only be described as a Cheshire Cat grin on his face. He waited a beat or two just to make me sweat it out. Turns out I have nothing on him when it comes to interrogation tactics. “You start in a month at the Minnesota State Police Academy as a training officer.”

Before the sound of silence could take hold, I asked, “How’d you know?”

He leaned forward and looked me straight in the eye. “Son, you did the right thing letting Hutch go, but I knew it would never last. A partnership like the two of you have doesn’t come around that often. And a friendship even less often. I knew it would only be a matter of time before you packed up and followed him. And I also knew you wouldn’t be happy to sit around on a farm doing nothing all day so I pulled a few strings.”

I think he knew the tears in my eyes said everything I could not.

~~~

Huggy helped me pack and promised to visit. He, of course, had a cousin who I was able to sublet my apartment to. He wasn’t surprised I was going, either, but only that it’d taken me nearly two weeks to square everything away.

“Starsky, with all the money I’ll be saving by not serving you two turkeys I’ll be able to fly first class out to see you. You think if I send Hutch your bar tab for say the last 5 years he might actually pay it?”

“Really Huggy? You’ve known Hutch just about as long as I have. Thinkin’ Hutch is gonna pay you is like thinkin’ Scrooge likes Christmas.” We both laughed for a long time just to avoid saying goodbye.

As I drove away Huggy shouted, “Send me pictures of Surfer Boy catching a wave on those lakes!”

~~~

As I pulled into the driveway, I could tell he’d been busy. There was a lot of building material stacked around the yard. And I could see him on the roof of a framed but unfinished addition on the side of the house. I revved the engine of the Torino as I got closer, which turned out to be a mistake. In his shock at seeing me he kicked a toolbox, which slid off the roof, hitting the ladder with enough force to knock it over. I’m not sure how he managed to stay on the roof.

“Starsky! What the hell are you doing here?”

“Clearly still saving your ass! God Hutch, what are you doin’ up there by yourself? If you fall off you could kill yourself and no one would find you for days!”

“That doesn’t really answer my question.”

“Then come down here and I’ll answer it.”

“I’ll need the ladder, moron.”

As he climbed down I could tell the time we’d been apart had been good for him. He didn’t have a shirt on and under the tan I could immediately tell he’d gained most of the weight back. He’d clearly been doing a lot of manual labor, too; he looked nearly as muscular as he did way back when in the academy.

He pulled me into a hug and I barely heard him say, “God I’ve missed you.” As he pushed me away to arms length he asked again, “So what are you doing here?”

“I just couldn’t do it, Hutch. We’ve been through too much together for too long. Apparently Dobey knew it too. He got me transferred to the Minnesota State Police Academy. I start next week.”

“Starsk, that’s terrific! And I’m really glad you’re here. I’ve been going crazy by myself.”

“Looks like you’ve been busy working. Whatcha buildin’?”

He looked down, drawing a line in the dirt with his boot before looking back up and answering. “A garage. I knew you wouldn’t want the Striped Tomato out in the snow.”

And there it was for the last time. I couldn’t believe he’d do that, especially since he hated my car so much. I just stared at him, standing there looking innocent and shy. Then his mouth started curving up into a smile. He started laughing and I started laughing and I never heard the sound of silence again.

~~~

The Sound of Silence – Simon and Garfunkel