Loving Eyes

 

Author’s Notes: An extended tag to A Coffin for Starsky.

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Hutch sat on the floor in his canal cottage, strumming his guitar moodily. Starsky had been gone to the Caribbean for almost a week on his vacation. Hutch wondered if he was having a good time eating, drinking, and seducing the New York secretaries. His fingers twanged a sour note at that thought.

It wasn’t that Hutch didn’t want Starsky to have fun, be happy, live life to the fullest. Heaven knew that Starsky had just come so close to death from Bellamy’s poison that they both felt a new incentive to feel, see, do everything they wanted to before it was too late. The problem was that Starsky’s idea of doing those things didn’t seem to involve Hutch, but instead a two-week trip to the Caribbean to party and bed all the women he could.

And all I want is you, Starsky, thought Hutch as his fingers coaxed the plaintive chords from his guitar.

Hutch had long known that his love for Starsky was a deep and precious thing, the most profound relationship in his life. But the cataclysmic event of Starsky’s imminent, nearly unavoidable death had served to bring Hutch’s consuming love for him into immediate and devastating clarity. The 24 hours of desperately fighting to save his partner’s life and preparing to tell him goodbye had shattered Hutch. When he had found the poison formula that allowed the chemists to save Starsky, the adrenalin had left him and was replaced by a flood of love and longing such as he had never known. Hutch suddenly yearned to hold Starsky close, proclaim his love. Before the next shooting, or car accident, or forced drug overdose claimed one of them.

Starsk, you mean the world to me. I love you, want you so much!  Why did I not realize it before? I can’t go on without you.

And how am I going to handle this new desire to show you my love physically?

Since the day Starsky had left, Hutch could barely function at work. He went through the motions on desk duty until he could return to his early evening refuge at his canal cottage. There, among the cool fronds that soothed him, he turned to music to express the intense feelings welling inside him.

The melancholy chords emerged easily from his searching fingers on the neck and strings of his guitar, the haunting melody floated sweetly in his smooth tenor. But he had been struggling the last few evenings to compose lyrics that would do justice to the harmonies and capture the emotion in his heart.

He played the chords again, hummed the tune, and stopped mid-progression as vivid memories filled his mind.  Laying his guitar down carefully, he picked up his pencil and began to write.

Two hours later, he stretched, stood up, and realized he had shut out the world. His bladder, dry throat and rumbling stomach told him he needed the bathroom, drink, and food in that order. But he smiled as he looked down at the words and chords that had flowed from him as he relived warm memories of his partnership with the person who meant everything.

Hutch enjoyed the twittering of birds outside the open window as he fixed himself a simple meal and sat down at the kitchen table to eat. As he absently started on the food, the memories played again in his head, and the thoughts and feelings he longed to convey to Starsky followed…

Starsky’s warm smile, welcoming attitude and immediate loyalty when they were roommates at the Academy.  There had been an instant bond between them which grew stronger every day as they learned how to be cops and it became apparent that they were very, very good at it. Especially when we do it together, partner.

Starsky’s comforting him when his marriage dissolved, taking Hutch into his strong arms and holding him close while Hutch sobbed his desperation at being abandoned simply for doing what he loved, what he was born to do. You would never abandon me.

Starsky’s pure and unrestrained exuberance when he joyously hugged Hutch at the announcement that they were finally going to be plainclothes detective partners. We knew even then, buddy, how great this partnership was going to be.

Starsky’s bravery when he didn’t hesitate for a second to drive a car with a bomb in the trunk away from innocent people. You’re the bravest man I know.

Starsky’s risking his own career to save Hutch’s; holding Hutch and giving him comfort and strength while Hutch puked and ranted and fought through his heroin detox. The absolute, fierce love he had felt ensconced in the cradle of Starsky’s body. No one else but you, babe, would have taken that risk for me, could have pulled me through.

The pain on Starsky’s face when he realized that he had shot a masked teenager. His courage and humanity as he faced the boy’s family to pay his respects and apologize. I loved that little smile you gave me when I flipped my tie at you in the courtroom to show you I was there for you. Me and Thee, always.

The fear Hutch overcame to care for his seriously wounded partner and innocent hostages in the Italian restaurant. How had Hutch been able to function? His profound love for his partner had fed his every thought and move. Starsk, you make me strong, a better cop, a worthier person.

Watching the Starsky strut evolve into erotic, hot moves on the dance floor. God, you are so sexy. Your eyes, your hair, your handsome face, your lithe body. Your ass…

And the overwhelming, painful love Hutch had felt for Starsky when he thought he was seeing him for the last time…

Hutch stood, left his half-eaten dinner, and walked slowly back to his guitar. Oh Starsk…I want to sing this song to you, watch our passion returning to me in your loving eyes… His body melding to the curves of the guitar, fingers caressing the neck and stroking the strings, he proclaimed that love to his guitar and the plants that were the only living things he could share it with.

Loving Eyes
Ken Hutchinson

A shadow falls across my face and hides my loving eyes
But there’s a trembling in my lips the darkness can’t disguise
As you turn to leave me now, my heart begs you to stay
Why can’t I confess to you the words I need to say

You’re going away just when I’ve learned how much you mean to me
How can I bear this aching need that floods my memory
I want you close and wrapped up in my arms where you belong
Our joined souls flowing into one to write a sweeter song

Think of all the times we’ve shared and all our love right from the start
Long walks and talks and playing in the sun
Your smile, your warmth, your happy laughter filling up my heart
As you surely made my passion come undone

In pain and fear we’ve held each other up against the fight
You are there for me to make the world return to right
We’ve always known a love as true as ours could never die
But now I yearn to see so much more in your loving eyes

Oh, please look back at me tonight with those sweet loving eyes

Hutch softly sang the last note and held it out in his silvery voice above the lush final chord. He savored the resonance and emotion the music conveyed, satisfied that the words and melody succeeded in capturing the passion in his soul.

Suddenly he was startled by the sound of his front door opening. He turned toward the noise.

Starsky was standing in the doorway, his features somehow a picture of heartache and hope at the same time.

Shocked, Hutch lowered his guitar gently and stood, hurrying over to his friend. “Starsk! What happened? What’s wrong?”

Starsky’s face contorted, his throat worked. Hutch had rarely seen him speechless, but that appeared to be the case now.

Hutch was frightened. What could have occurred to make Starsky cut his much-ballyhooed party vacation short? Had something terrible happened to his mother, his brother, his aunt or uncle? It couldn’t be Kiko or Molly or Huggy or the Dobeys; Hutch would have been contacted. Had Starsky found out he had a terrible disease? Was he angry at Hutch for some reason? And why was he here, unannounced, looking like he was about to collapse under some great weight? Like he was going to burst into tears at any moment? Like he needed –

These thoughts flashed through Hutch’s mind in seconds and by the time he arrived at what Starsky needed, he had already taken his shaking partner in his strong arms, holding him close. Whatever he needs. I will give him whatever he needs, everything, anything. Nothing else matters.

Starsky, still silent, hugged Hutch tightly, desperately. Then suddenly, he broke out of the embrace and walked to the window, facing away from Hutch.

Bewildered, Hutch came up tentatively behind him.

“Starsk,” he began. “Buddy – I’m here. Whatever it is, let me help.”

Starsky looked down, keeping his back to Hutch. Moments passed while Hutch fought his panic. Starsky finally spoke, his voice wavering.

“I’m a moron, Hutch.”

Hutch was the one speechless now.

“Why – why do you think that?” he finally managed. “You’re one of the smartest people I know.”

Starsky was silent again for long moments. Hutch didn’t know if it was because he was too full of emotion to speak, had done something awful, or was physically hurting. All Hutch knew was that he ached to comfort this man he loved.

“Babe,” Hutch said softly. “I want to help you. I don’t know why you walked away from me. I want to touch you, comfort you. Please.” He moved closer to Starsky. “Tell me what’s wrong. Don’t pull away –“

Starsky whirled to face him, tears in his eyes.

“But that’s exactly what I did,” he said brokenly. “When it was the last thing I wanted to do.”

The sight of Starsky’s tears wrenched Hutch’s heart. “What…what do you mean? I…I don’t understand, Starsk. Please, help me understand.”

Starsky turned back to look out the window, still open, the evening breeze gently wafting the cheerful chirping of the birds into the room. He finally gathered himself enough to speak coherently.

“I was outside,” he said quietly, his voice still halting. “The window…I heard you singin’ and playin’, Hutch.” He sighed deeply. “So I stopped to listen. It was the most…the most beautiful sound I ever heard.”

Hutch’s pulse quickened. So Starsky had heard his song. How much, how clearly could he have made out the lyrics? Does he know…he must know…that I wrote that song for him?

But Hutch was still afraid of what had brought Starsky back early from his vacation. And why was he calling himself a moron? Buddy, what is it? Please, let me help.

“I’m glad you like it,” he said shyly. “It’s brand new.  I wrote it while you were gone, just finished it.” Emboldened by Starsky’s finally speaking to him, he gently touched Starsky’s shoulder. “But you still haven’t told me what’s wrong. Why did you come back early?  Are you ok? Did something happen?”

Still looking out the window, Starsky sighed again. Hutch saw his strong back tremble.

“I’m ok, Hutch. Nothing happened, except…except I finally figured out I’m a fuckin’ idiot.”

Hutch felt a huge burden lifting, his fear dissipating. Whatever this was, Starsky was all right.

“You’re not a fucking idiot, buddy,” he soothed, daring to put both of his hands on Starsky’s shoulders. “It can’t be that bad. Please…tell me. Tell me what’s got you so tied up in knots.”

Starsky shook his head. “It may not be what you wanna hear, Hutch.” His voice wavered. “But…I sure hope it is.”

“Try me,” Hutch said gently. “It’s just me here. Your partner. Your trusted…partner.” How Hutch longed to say something else. Lover. Mate. Instead, he massaged his love into the broad shoulders he held. “Me and Thee, always.”

Starsky actually chuckled, but nervously. “You are that, buddy. You sure are.” His shoulders sagged under Hutch’s touch. “And then some, partner. You’d think I woulda figured this out before now, especially – especially with what just went down.”

Hutch could hardly bear the tension. But somewhere inside him, a ray of hope was struggling to free itself. Starsky had heard him playing and singing the song full of feelings about him, that bared his soul. And he hopes I want to hear whatever he has to say. Could it be? …

Suddenly Starsky couldn’t get the words out fast enough.  But he was still facing the window.

“So yeah, I’m a moron. As soon as I got over the fuckin’ poison, the first thing I did was run away from you. Run to score with every chick I could find. Run to prove that I was still a macho cop, still strong and manly and all that bullshit.” Hutch could hear the regret creeping into Starsky’s voice. “But after a few days, it was all so hollow. Sure, I can still attract women and screw ‘em and look like a stud on the beach. But you know what, Hutch?  I had to come back. I came back because…”

This declaration was costing Starsky dearly, Hutch knew. He waited as patiently as he could, squeezing Starsky’s shoulders to convey his support and strength. He desperately wanted Starsky to turn and look at him, but his partner stayed facing the window, head hanging on his chest.

“None of that matters anymore, Hutch. You know why?”

Hutch kept massaging the slumping shoulders. He waited, but no further words came from his partner. “No,” he breathed. “Why?”

Starsky raised his head toward the window, seeming to be listening for something.  The comforting sounds of the birds and the soft breeze blowing in the trees drifted into the room, poignant in their contrast to the tension of Hutch’s confused, anxious state.

“Hutch.  Hutch – what would you say if you knew I was standin’ out there…wishing that you were singin’ that beautiful song…to me?”

Silence hung in the air, swiftly charged with rampant emotion.

Suddenly Hutch gasped. Without thinking, he turned Starsky to face him, saw the tears glistening in the deep blue eyes, watched one trickle down the darkly stubbled cheek tanned by the Caribbean sun.

Tears of joy sprang into Hutch’s own eyes. He pulled Starsky close to him, kissed his partner’s wet cheek.

“Oh, Starsk,” he murmured. “I was, babe. I wrote that for you.” Now it was Hutch who couldn’t stop the words spilling out of him. “While I was here, missing you. Wondering why you didn’t love me…” he took Starsky’s face in his hands, caressed it. “..the way I love you! Wondering how you could leave just when – just when we almost lost everything and got it all back. A miracle.”

Starsky held Hutch tight in his arms, squeezed his partner’s lean, muscular body to him. Hutch melted into his partner’s embrace. Please love me the way I love you. With my whole heart. And soul. And body…

Starsky’s breaths came in short gulps. “God, Hutch,” he cried passionately. “I knew it when we looked at each other before they were gonna take me to the ICU. To die. Without you. I died inside, before I could really die. I couldn’t leave you. My heart…it broke! I knew I loved you more than anything, anyone, ever. But I wasn’t supposed to love you like that!” He let Hutch loose, began pacing across the room and back. “So like a total idiot I denied it. Ran to prove my masculinity, how much of a man I was. How much I love women.”

Hutch longed to follow Starsky, but gave him the physical space he seemed to need at the moment.

“You are a man, Starsk,” Hutch said gently. “A virile, strong man. And it’s just fine for you to love women. Or me. Or whoever you choose to love.”

Starsky stopped pacing, looked at Hutch with worshipful eyes. “Women are great, Hutch. But they aren’t you. My God. You’re so – so –“ He threw his arms out to show the enormity of what Hutch meant to him, his inability to express it, then dropped them as he shook his head in wonder. His voice became low, sensuous. “There is no one in the world I could ever feel this way about, except you.” Starsky’s eyes grew dark with desire. “And that includes…lovin’ you…in every way.”

Hutch was suddenly aware of his heart, feeling it pounding crazily in his chest.

Starsky smiled wryly. “I realized that in the middle of a mai tai on the beach, with a shapely blonde givin’ me her best come-hither smile. Not the blonde I want, need, love with all my…”

The look between them intensified as Starsky’s voice caught in his throat and his pleading eyes searched Hutch’s.

“I went straight to the airport and changed my flight. Went on standby to get back to you as fast as I could. To tell you. And hope I still deserved you and…you felt the same way.” Starsky looked down. “Still so scared…that maybe you don’t. Can’t believe it…would be too perfect… ”

His heart now soaring, Hutch couldn’t stop himself from going to Starsky, pulling him into another close embrace. Starsky clutched him tightly.

“And the whole time you were gone I was barely able to function. I…couldn’t…God, Starsk. I missed you, wanted you so much! I couldn’t imagine what I would do if you didn’t want me…the way I want you. I poured my love into writing you this song for you.”

Hutch kissed the pulse throbbing in Starsky’s neck. The low whimper that emerged from Starsky’s throat sent chills down Hutch’s spine.

“Starsk,” he whispered into Starsky’s ear, his head resting on his partner’s broad shoulder.  “You knew, didn’t you? When you heard me singing… that it was to you, even when I didn’t know you were there?”

Starsky’s sigh this time was wistful. “I prayed you were,” he murmured. “It seemed too good to be true. And I was sure you’d be mad at me for leavin’ without you.” He petted Hutch’s blond head, nuzzled it against his curls. “I was afraid you…wouldn’t love me anymore, let alone…the way I wanted you to.”

“Well I guess you are a moron, then, Starsk,” Hutch laughed softly. “Nothing could ever make me stop loving you. All of you. In every way.” He turned Starsky’s face to his, looked into the beautiful blue eyes rimmed with thick, wet lashes.

And captured Starsky’s lips with his own.

The kiss was everything Hutch had dreamed of, and more. Starsky tasted spicy, sweet, his powerful masculinity igniting Hutch with smoldering desire. Even as it was happening, Hutch knew it was a moment to be emblazoned on his memory forever, to be revisited and cherished the way he had just treasured the precious recollections that inspired his lyrics. This, was life. This man, this love.

Starsky’s kisses traveled down Hutch’s jaw, his chin, his neck, while Starsky gave soft moans of pleasure that incited thrills through Hutch’s body. Hutch responded with kisses of his own, everywhere he could reach, and started unbuttoning Starsky’s shirt. Resting his face momentarily against the soft, dark hair on the well-muscled chest, he relished the scent of Starsky. How well he knew it. But this time it was mixed with powerful, male, sensual heat. The intense love he was feeling for Starsky leaped in seconds into raging carnal desire.  Starsk, my partner – you are one fucking sexy man. And you are about to become my lover.

“Hutch,” breathed Starsky. “Love you so much.” He pulled Hutch toward the bed. “Need you. Now.”

Hutch, giddy with want, almost laughed out loud. How Starsky was this. A man of action. No delay about doing what needed to be done, getting what he wanted. And Hutch was only too eager to answer that want with his own deep need.

Starsky grappled with the front of Hutch’s shirt, growled in frustration, and buttons flew as he removed it and flung it on the floor. Hutch finished unbuttoning Starsky’s shirt and pulled one arm out at a time while he licked and nuzzled Starsky’s nipples. Starsky moaned and reached for Hutch’s fly, tugging at it impatiently. Joy mixed with not a little trepidation bubbled up in Hutch’s throat while he quickly removed his jeans and boxers. Starsky stripped off his own pants and Hutch looked down at the beautifully sculpted, dark red cock that was begging for his attention.

“Oh, man,” Hutch said softly, worshipfully. “I’ve seen you naked hundreds of times. But never…like this.” He looked deeply into Starsky’s eyes. “Babe. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t want to mess this up. It’s so…important to me, to us.” He kissed Starsky’s forehead, his cheek, his neck, his lips. “You’re so beautiful.” Awestruck, he gazed at Starsky’s rigid erection wonderingly. “You really do want me.”

“Ya think?” Starsky laughed, pulling Hutch against him. “Let’s see. I left a gorgeous woman makin’ eyes at me on a tropical beach, jumped on a plane that cost me a king’s ransom in extra airfare, got here as fast as I could and spilled my guts to you, scared as I was to do it. Yeah, babe. I want you.” He leaned back and surveyed Hutch’s lean, muscular body, the long, flushed cock erect and needy. “And I see it’s mutual.” He whistled lowly. “Damn. You are one big, gorgeous, blond hunk of man.”

“Who loves you and wants you desperately,” Hutch murmured.

“Desperate men do desperate things,” Starsky said, grinning back at him ferally, his sapphire eyes full of passion. “Especially in the name of love.”

The next thing Hutch knew, he was being yanked down on the bed and pushed onto his back. Starsky pressed his strong body into Hutch’s, grinding slowly and erotically into his new lover.

Hutch reveled in the feeling of being overpowered in bed by raw masculine strength. It was heady, new, intoxicating. He didn’t know whether to push back or just enjoy. So much he didn’t know!

“Starsk,” he panted. “God, Starsk…this is…ohhh… fuck! What do I do now? What do you like?”

“Ahh, Hutch,” Starsky laughed. “This is us, babe. We always figure it out, don’t we?” He sucked on Hutch’s lower lip, licked it, then dropped gentle kisses all over Hutch’s face as he grasped Hutch’s arms and pulled them over his partner’s blond head, pinning them there. “Just stop thinkin’, shut up, and do what feels good.” He took Hutch’s mouth in a passionate kiss, tongue probing, then moved his eager lips to tenderly brush Hutch’s closed eyelids. “Well, you don’t hafta be totally quiet.  Sounds of love and pleasure are appreciated.”

The combination of powerful strength and loving tenderness overloaded Hutch’s senses.  Starsky. Omigodomigod.  It’s happening! He’s kissing me, rubbing his hard cock against mine. He’s so strong, so loving, so hot. I’m gonna blow any second. Don’t think…stop thinking…just feel…

Hutch gave in to the incredible sensations his body was experiencing and the fullness of love in his heart for Starsky. He opened his mind and being to accept all that Starsky wanted to give him.

Starsky had finished exploring Hutch’s mouth with his searching tongue and was moving down to suck on Hutch’s neck. He released Hutch’s arms and dropped to give one nipple a slurpy lick, then the other. Hutch pulled Starsky’s muscled torso against him, moaning.

“Yeah, babe,” Starsky breathed. “Love you. Love what I’m doin’ to you. Want you to love it, too. Show me how much.”

“Love you,” Hutch sighed, arching up to meet the urgency of the taut body pressing against him. “Starsk. Love the feel of you, everything you’re doing to me.” He reached down to cup and squeeze Starsky’s incredible ass, feeling it contracting as Starsky thrust against him. “God! Starsk, I’m gonna come if you keep that up…”

Starsky raised his head and looked at Hutch with a gorgeous, sexy smile and limpid blue eyes shining with love and desire.

Oh, please look back at me tonight with those sweet loving eyes…

Hutch thought he might burst with joy.

“That’s the idea, babe,” Starsky said sultrily. “I’m gonna join you.”

“But…”

“Shhhh.” Starsky traced his finger gently over Hutch’s lips. “Let it happen. We’ll have plenty of time later to take it slow. I’m plannin’ on hours and days and years of doing that with you…but right now, I’m so fuckin’ hot for you, I can’t wait.”

Starsky’s mouth descended on Hutch’s in a feverish, plundering kiss. Hutch’s eager tongue wrapped wetly around Starsky’s as they ground their bodies against each other. The sounds of hard flesh sliding together and uninhibited, guttural moans filled the room.

“Hutch,” groaned Starsky. “You’re so beautiful. So hot.” He thrust harder against Hutch’s long, muscled body. “Love you, babe!…”

Hutch’s senses were overwhelmed with the feel, scent, and taste of Starsky. His partner’s erotic humping,  passionate words and hot breath in his ear triggered an explosion of ecstasy that flooded his entire being with a blinding rapture that he knew even at that moment could only be one thing.

Love. Pure, selfless, trusting, sensual love.

Hutch cried out his joy in a shuddering, incoherent wail that arose from the depths of his soul, and clasped Starsky to him helplessly. Starsky growled deep in his chest at the feel of Hutch’s wet release between them, pumped harder against his lover’s slick flesh, and shouted Hutch’s name as he spurted his own essence into the hot, slippery fusion of their bodies.

Gasping, sweating, they lay while the enormity of what they had just shared focused into their incredible new reality.

Hutch whimpered softly. Starsky looked at him lovingly and gently kissed his lips.

“Hutch.” Starsky put his hand on Hutch’s cheek, touching it tenderly. “Babe?…”

Hutch’s lips formed a trembling smile. He put his hand over Starsky’s and pressed it into his own cheek.

“I love you,” Hutch whispered. “More than…more than I can say. More than my own life.” He closed his eyes, sighed, then opened them again to the beautiful sight of Starsky’s deep blue eyes looking back at him adoringly.

Starsky studied Hutch’s face for a long moment, then traced his finger again around Hutch’s mouth.

“I think you said…I mean sang…it very well,” he said quietly, the corner of his mouth sliding up into that crooked grin that turned Hutch’s heart inside out. “In fact…I was kinda hopin’ you would sing it to me again. When I can watch your sweet face, your gorgeous hands while you play.” Starsky picked up Hutch’s hand, kissed his long fingers. “I love you, Hutch! I don’t deserve all this talent and beautiful blondness, babe. I still can’t believe…you wrote that amazing song…for me.”

It was Hutch’s turn to smile. “Oh, Starsk,” he breathed, twining his fingers through Starsky’s. “You have no idea. How much love I put into it. How much I wanted…still want…to sing it to you.”  He rolled them on their sides. “I do. I will. Every day, if you want. But first… hold me? I don’t want this moment to end. Not yet. I want to be so close to you.”

Starsky put his arms around Hutch and held him tight.

“Every day, Hutch.” Starsky sighed. “Gladly. And every night, if you want. For as long as you want.”

A happy glow descended on the new lovers as they lay contentedly in each other’s arms, watching the sun casting shadows across the room as it set on the most wonderful day either of them could have imagined.  And they were filled with the promise of what each new sunrise would bring as they fell into a deep and peaceful sleep.

Hutch woke first to the early morning light filtering into the room. The sight of Starsky’s handsome, serene face framed by dark tousled curls on the pillow next to him took his breath away. Smiling at the memory of the night before, he carefully rose and padded to the bathroom without waking his partner, then quietly retrieved his guitar.  He sat gently on the end of the bed and softly began to play the introductory chord progression to his new song.

Starsky stirred and sighed. Hutch watched his partner’s thick eyelashes flutter open to reveal his beautiful deep blue eyes. In that moment, Hutch was filled with wonder and joy as he saw the love, passion, and sweet surrender he had longed to see in those loving eyes when he composed his song. Starsky’s song.

Then Hutch, and his heart, both began to sing.