Looking Back

47

After an encounter with a junkie, Starsky and Hutch have an overdue discussion.

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Hutch pulled the door closed behind him as he watched his partner head down the hallway. He could tell that Starsky was upset; it wasn’t the first time he’d acted this way in front of a junkie, and Hutch knew it wouldn’t be the last. They had never really discussed this behavior before, just accepted it for what it was. The problem was, Hutch knew he wouldn’t be able to finish the day without confronting it. And he knew THAT could bring on a whole new set of problems.

He caught up to his partner at the landing and grabbed his arm. “Starsk,” he began, but he could feel Starsky tense up at the touch. He let go of the arm.

“Yeah,” Starsky said as he turned back to Hutch. The look on his face was, well, Hutch was pretty sure it was regret, and he didn’t want that.

“Starsky,” Hutch began again, but Starsky wasn’t up for the discussion.

“Hutch, it’s okay. I get it.” Starsky had adopted a defensive posture, leaning against the wall of the stairwell, one foot on the step below, looking ready to run for his life.

“I don’t think you do. I’d like to explain.” Starsky observed the earnest manner, the need for his partner to tell his story, even if Starsky himself wasn’t ready to hear it. Hutch had placed his arm gently on Starsky’s shoulder, silently asking permission to go on. The dark-haired detective knew he was done in, but he didn’t want to lose it, not here. He didn’t want to address this at all. He was sure he wasn’t ready to feel the pain again. But he also knew he was unable to say no to Hutch… especially not this Hutch.

The slightest cock of the head told Hutch that his partner was ready to listen, albeit reluctantly. Hutch also knew that what he was about to say would likely not be said without some response from his partner. He hoped he was ready for that.

“I know we don’t talk about it much, but when I was addicted…”

“You weren’t addicted Hutch. You weren’t like her,” Starsky pointed back to the apartment they’d just left.

“Okay, you’re right. When I was strung out…” Hutch saw his partner’s reaction to even that choice of words, the tight closing of the eyes, the bowing and shaking of the head. He knew Starsky was still terribly pained about this episode in their past. The realization hit him that Starsky might never fully recover from what happened, that this conversation might only serve to throw salt on that wound, which was not what he wanted. He continued, hoping that the talk would have the opposite effect.

“When I was strung out… there’s no way I can properly express to you the way I felt. But SHE can SHOW you. Her whole being was ME back then.”

“No it wasn’t, Hutch.”

“Yes it was, Starsk. I was desperate. The only thing I wanted was another fix. I’m ashamed of feeling that way, but it was that way.” Hutch could see that Starsky wasn’t buying it, didn’t want to believe it.

“You have nothing to be ashamed about, Hutch,” Starsky said softly.

“I do,” Hutch began.

“You don’t!” Starsky said firmly, raising his head and fixing a stare on Hutch—as though his definitive exclamation of it made it so.

Hutch took a step down and faced his partner directly. “Starsk, you weren’t there when the first feeling hit. I wanted to die rather than face another minute without the stuff.”

“Hutch, if that’s so, then I don’t understand how you can do what you just did.”

“What I just did will help her make it through the day.”

“No, what you did will make her stay a junkie.”

“You think if we hadn’t shown up today that she wouldn’t be a junkie tomorrow?” Hutch could see that his partner was horribly conflicted about the money exchange. Or was it something else? Starsky’s reactions around junkies had always been… difficult, at best. Those reactions had only taken on a heightened meaning for Hutch since his own earlier troubles.

“I think that we shoulda left without you givin’ her money for her next fix.”

“Why?”

“What do you mean why? Because you’re feeding her habit, Hutch. That ain’t right. She needs help.”

“She needs compassion.”

“Of course she needs compassion.”

“You say that, but I don’t think you really believe it, buddy.” Hutch knew that observation would sting his partner. It was something that he’d noticed more than once in their dealings with drug addicts. Starsky’s entire demeanor would change when they got up close to this underside of society. Hutch had more than once heard his partner talk about ‘hypes traveling in pairs.’

“I do,” Starsky practically whispered.

“Sometimes it’s hard to see,” Hutch added, consciously making an effort to keep the conversation from going bad. He knew he was treading on a complicated subject where his partner was concerned.

“I know.” Starsky looked up again and took in his partner. He saw the concern in Hutch’s face. He wanted to make Hutch understand his behavior. He knew he had a tendency to close down when they needed to deal with these people. And he knew why, and he was pretty sure his partner understood that. Why did Hutch think that he could react any other way?

“I know you know, Starsk. But it seems it’s eating you up and I don’t think you should let it.”

“You don’t?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Well, every time I look at someone like Belinda Williams I think about what mighta been.” Hutch kept steady eye contact with his partner, understanding the depth of feeling coming from Starsky with that painful confession.

“And every time I look at someone like Belinda I think about how incredibly lucky I was to have someone around who cared enough to help me make ‘mighta been’ not be. She doesn’t have that in her life,” Hutch continued, pointing to the door for emphasis, “and I think how sad that is and then I look at what I can do to help ease her pain. There is really nothing I can do but try to help ease her pain. You and I both know we can’t help every addict through their addiction or get them into some treatment program that they’re just gonna drop out of because they don’t have someone like you to love them.”

“But Hutch, what you said in there…”

“You think what I said to her means anything? She didn’t hear a word I said. I like to think its meaning made its way into her messed up mind, but I’m not naive, Starsk.”

Starsky looked at his partner and knew he wasn’t going to give him the answer he sought. He wished he could tell Hutch that he understood, that his actions were compassionate, that helping one addict ‘die a little’ was something he could agree with. But his emotions were on edge, he didn’t feel the way Hutch did on this issue and didn’t think he ever would. But telling Hutch those things just then was not how he wanted to end this.

“Hutch, you are the most compassionate person I know. My life has more meaning than I ever thought it would because of you. Thinking of losing you the way I almost did back then is almost unbearable. And seeing people like this reminds me of it and no matter how hard I try I cannot get over the fact that people are out there doing this to themselves of their own free will. You didn’t have the choice.”

“Starsk….”

Starsky put his hand up to stop Hutch from continuing. “I know it’s not always of their own free will.”

“Then I guess I’m a little confused….”

“I know, Blondie. I’m not makin’ myself clear on this. I’m just trying to say it’s too close, it cuts too close for me. I am in awe every time I think about how you’ve managed to recover from what happened. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me.”

“Starsk, do you think I’m really any more recovered than you? Do you think my giving her money for her next fix isn’t a manifestation of my own lingering issues with that time?”

Starsky’s quiet acknowledgment that they were both still recovering was all that Hutch needed. For now. He reached out for his partner and pulled him into a tight hug. “Starsk, thank you, for being there.”

Starsky held tight to his partner and looked at the closed apartment door. He pulled back and smiled at Hutch. “Well, that was good for me. Was it good for you?” Starsky sniffled, wanting to keep the moment from becoming too soapy. “And you’re welcome,” he said, a slight nod signifying to his partner that he understood the underlying meaning in Hutch’s words of thanks.

“Come on, you goof. Let’s get back to work.”

Starsky followed his partner down the stairs, without looking back.

The End