Part of my series of humorous conversations written for the FB group SHFAFF. Attempt at humour!
9th April 2026 (Older guys)
Hutch knocked and then walked into his partner’s home. There was silence in the house, except for a muffled muttering coming from the den. He followed the sound and then stood in the doorway, watching as his friend crumpled up another piece of paper and added it to the pile on the floor.
“What’s up?” he asked.
“Oh…Hey…I’m trying to write a story for Cassie’s birthday. She wants one about unicorns. What do I know about unicorns?!”
Hutch couldn’t help laughing as he suggested, “Take a break. Let’s go for our walk and maybe you’ll get inspired.”
Starsky sighed but then nodded and stood up. “Yeah, maybe.”
They walked, stopped for coffee, walked again, saw children on roller skates struggling to stay upright. Suddenly, Starsky’s eyes widened. Hutch recognised the look.
“Let’s get you back so you can write that story about a roller skating unicorn,” he said.
Starsky looked surprised and then just grinned.
10th April 2026 (Younger guys)
“You’re looking very gruntled,” Starsky said as he came back into the squad room.
“Gruntled? There’s no such word.”
“You can have disgruntled. Why not gruntled?” Starsky wondered.
Hutch just shook his head and returned to his report writing. Starsky sat down and ate a candy bar before he realised he’d got distracted.
“So partner, why the aura of ‘cat got the cream’?”
“Can’t a guy just be happy without the third degree?”
“Nope. What gives?”
“Well, if you must know I have a date Friday with Poppy, the new civilian aide. Seems she likes gardening, the beach and old movies. I’m taking her to the retro showing of Casablanca.”
Starsky blinked. “How long was I gone?”
Hutch rolled his eyes. “It doesn’t take long to ask someone out!”
“It does with you. You usually talk to ’em for hours before you make a move.”
Hutch refrained from sticking out his tongue – how did his partner manage to turn him into a child so quickly? – and frowned instead. He put another sheet in the typewriter and studiously ignored the grin on his partner’s face.
“She got a sister?…Pansy?…Or Peony?…Or….?” His horticultural knowledge let him down.
Hutch let the unfinished question hang in the air for as long as he could bear then said, “Penstemon?” with a hint of a smile.
“Nobody’s gonna name a kid that! That would be cruel!”
“Get that report finished, Gordo, so we can get out of here and maybe I’ll ask Poppy if she has a sister, or a friend, who might be desperate enough to want a date with you.”
“Hey!”
As Hutch stood up to take his report into Dobey, he asked, “What’s the matter, Starsky? You look disgruntled.”
As Hutch grinned, Starsky rolled his eyes.
13th April 2026 (Older guys)
S: Hey Hutch, did you see those great photos that fan, Maria, took around the Venice canals?
H: I did. Sure brought back some nice memories. I used to love jogging around there.
S: I used to enjoy feeding the ducks while I was waiting for ya to get back. Speaking of ducks, I’m taking my youngest grandkid out this morning to the park. Wanna come with us?
H: Sure. Shall I drive to yours? Are you going to the park along the street?
S: That’s the one. Come for around ten.
H: Okay…I might drive past Venice Place on the way, just for old times sake.
S: All right but don’t stop…someone might knock you on the head and kidnap you! That place attracts danger.
H: Only in fan fiction, Gordo!
24th April 2026 (Older guys)
Hutch was worried. He’d woken up feeling like he’d missed something important. He eased out of bed, careful not to disturb his wife, and padded downstairs to put the coffee and the kettle on. Laura wouldn’t be going anywhere without her morning cup of tea. He smiled as he filled the kettle and got her mug out – even that was a ritual. The morning tea had to be in her favourite mug or she would start the day grumpy.
As he waited for the coffee to percolate, he glanced at the calendar. Nothing on it for today. Nothing for yesterday. So why did he feel as if he’d forgotten something? Yesterday – April 23rd. Something niggled at him. He was sure there was a significance to the date. Suddenly remembering that his own diary had international celebration dates noted inside, he went through to his study and picked it up to check.
Of course! Shakespeare’s birthday. The day that over the last few years Starsky had taken to talking like the bard just to drive him crazy. Yet Starsky hadn’t even called yesterday – was his friend okay? Or had something happened? Hutch went back to the kitchen to get his coffee and make Laura her tea. He would get dressed and then give Starsky a call.
Half an hour later, he picked up the phone. It rang for seven rings and then a sleepy voice said, “‘ello?”
“Morning buddy, are you okay?”
Hutch heard Starsky grunt as he sat up. “I’m fine. Why are you ringing so early?”
“Just checking in. You didn’t call yesterday.”
“Was I supposed to?”
“Only if you wanted to torture me.”
“Huh?”
“You forgot Shakespeare’s birthday!”
Starsky chuckled. “Missed me talking like Shakespeare, did ya?”
“No, of course not, I’m relieved!”
“Sure you are. For your information, I decided this year I’d give Will’s birthday a miss and celebrate a special birthday tomorrow instead.”
Hutch grimaced as he asked, “Whose birthday?”
“Al Pacino!”
Hutch didn’t know whether to laugh or sigh. “Please tell me you won’t be quoting from The Godfather all day tomorrow?!”
“Why not? There’s a phrase for every occasion.”
Hutch couldn’t think of a reply.
“See you later for a walk?” Starsky asked.
“Sure…Keep your friends close but your enemies closer?” Hutch offered.
Starsky chuckled. “Nice, but save the quotes for tomorrow! See you at midday.”
Hutch smiled as he put down the phone. Life with Starsky was never dull and he was very grateful for that fact.
1st May 2026: May Day (older guys)
Hutch walked into Starsky’s kitchen to find his pal staring contemplatively into a mug of coffee. Drinking coffee was normal. The serious look on his face was not. Hutch squeezed his friend’s shoulder before pouring himself a cup of coffee and then sitting on a stool beside him.
“You okay?”
Starsky nodded. “Fine. You?”
As Hutch sipped his drink, he saw his friend’s eyes return to the middle distance…and the past. He nudged his shoulder with his own.
“What’s on your mind?” he asked softly.
“Huh?…Oh, just the date got me thinking.”
Hutch furrowed his brow in thought. “The first of May?” He couldn’t recall any associated anniversaries.
“Yeah…First o’ May. May Day…Just thinking about the times we used our code and survived an ambush…and feeling grateful…grateful for you especially.”
Hutch swallowed and couldn’t think of a thing to say. Starsky turned and held his gaze for a moment and then with a quick-silver change he was grinning.
“Come on, ya big lummox, we ain’t got all day, we got dogs to take to the beach.”
He leapt off his stool and went to let Rusty in from the yard. Rusty, much like his owner, bounded in grinning – if a dog can grin – and licked Hutch vigorously. For once, Hutch didn’t immediately stop him.
Starsky dragged Rusty back and got his lead on him then looked up at his friend.
“Ready to go?”
Hutch nodded. As he followed his partner out of the house, he clapped him on the shoulder and Starsky knew exactly what he meant.
7th May 2026 (Older guys)
Hutch answered the phone on the third ring.
“Morning pal.”
“Hey, they’ve started sprouting already!”
Hutch grinned at the excitement in Starsky’s voice. His friend was always delighted (and somehow surprised) when his sunflower seeds started to grow.
“Mine started last night.”
“Mine probably did too. I just didn’t check.”
They both laughed. They’d started growing sunflowers a few years ago. The first time was with their grandkids for a school project. Now, they grew their own every year and competed to see who managed to grow the tallest one.
“You coming around for a coffee? If you can tear yourself away from your seedlings, that is,” Hutch teased.
“Yeah, I’m not you. I won’t be talking to ’em all day,” Starsky shot back.
“I’ll talk to mine until you get here,” Hutch said with a chuckle. “They’ll put a spurt on. You’ll see.”
Starsky laughed. “See ya later.”
“See you.”
Hutch put the phone down with a contented smile and went off to encourage his seedlings to grow faster than Starsky’s
30th May 2026 (Younger guys)
“How many chucks would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?!” Starsky said exuberantly for the fifth time.
“Starsky!” Hutch growled a warning.
It was too hot to be listening to Starsky chanting tongue twisters and after five renditions, he was about to lose it.
Starsky turned childlike, innocent eyes towards him and said, “What?”
Hutch ran a hand over his sweaty face and sighed.
“Did you know woodchucks can move about 5,500 pounds of earth when making their burrows?” Starsky asked.
“Hmm.”
“And their teeth never stop growing.”
“Hmm.”
“Their top speed is ten miles per hour.”
“Hmm.”
“Says here they can climb trees…Do you think that’s true?”
“Yes.”
“You do?”
“I’ve seen them do it. We had woodchucks by the hundred in the woods around Duluth.”
Starsky blinked and looked at Hutch in amazement.
“Our quarry is here,” Hutch said.
Starsky was still staring at him as Hutch climbed out of the car. He leaned in the window and asked, “You coming, partner?”
“Oh…yeah, on my way.”
Starsky hopped out of the car and followed his partner along the sidewalk, whispering under his breath, “How many trees would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck trees?”
Hutch turned and rolled his eyes at his partner then chuckled.
21st June 2026 (Younger guys)
Starsky watched in fascination as Hutch pulled a pair of socks out of the icebox and slipped them on to his feet. Then Hutch put on his shoes as if this was perfectly normal behaviour.
Starsky shook his head as he observed, “You’re definitely getting weirder!”
Hutch just shrugged.
“It’s going to be hot out there today and I read in the paper that wearing cold socks was a good way to help you cool down enough to sleep. I thought I’d see if it helped in the daytime too.”
“But aren’t your feet cold?! I hate having cold feet!”
Hutch considered. “Yeah, they’re cold but I can feel the rest of me cooling down so it’s worth it.”
Starsky shook his head again, a bemused expression on his face as he followed his partner out of the apartment.
*****
At the end of a long, hot morning, Hutch seemed to be coping better with the temperature than normal and better than his partner. As Starsky wiped his brow, he decided he’d be putting his socks in the ice box that evening.
26th June 2026 (Older guys)
Fifty years on and Hutch still didn’t like heat; even though he lived in an air conditioned house, which meant he could hide away in the cool on the worst days of summer. Starsky knew Hutch was grateful for his air conditioning but he also disliked it, complaining of being too cold and hating having to wear a sweater in July.
Starsky listened to his old friend grumbling and started to grin.
“You know what, Hutch?”
“What?”
“I think you’ve turned British.”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“Well, the nut from Devon says moaning about the weather is a national pastime over there and her last email was full of the joys and horrors of air conditioning. Think you’d fit right in!”
As Starsky chuckled, Hutch lifted the Hutchinson finger, went to speak and then froze, considering the truth of the observation. He snorted and nodded.
“Time for an iced coffee?” Starsky asked.
“No, that means going out. We’ll have regular coffee and stay in and enjoy the air conditioning,” Hutch said with a chastened smile.
Starsky chuckled as he followed his friend to the kitchen. He knew what he’d be telling the nut about when he emailed her later.
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