The Inner Light

Plagued by doubt, uncertainty, and dissatisfaction in both his public and private lives, Hutch discovers that the answers to many questions may be closer than he thinks.

The setting for this is shortly after the episode, “Ballad For A Blue Lady.”

From his perch on the couch, Hutch took full advantage of the opportunity to closely observe his partner while not appearing to openly stare. Sprawled rather awkwardly in the middle of the living room floor — more or less where he’d dropped after losing their impromptu game of ‘film canister badminton’ — and currently giving his full attention to dropping film into the camera without damaging either, Starsky was inarguably a sight to behold. What Hutch was seeking was on a far deeper level, though. The vague awareness slowly seeping into his consciousness was still too insubstantial to suggest a recognizable form, but he knew it was important — even if he didn’t yet know its name.

Happily for Hutch’s quest, Starsky chose that particular moment to launch into a “first camera” anecdote from his youth. Undeniably funny though the story was, it had been re-told enough times in his presence for Hutch to accurately lip-sync the narration now and he felt only the slightest twinge of guilt in effectively tuning Starsky out.

It had been an off day from the start. Try as he might, he couldn’t summon any enthusiasm for going in to work. Ever increasing losses were no longer offset by the few wins and lately, even on those rare occasions when they did happen to come out on top, the price exacted tended to be extreme. The nagging perception that the days of having an unfailing raison d’etre were irrevocably lost now permeated every facet of his life. The frustration engendered by this painful lack of clarity found its outlet most often in lashing out at the one person to whom he could vent with near impunity…sadly, also the person he least wanted to hurt. Today had been such a day in a string of them. To his credit, Starsky had weathered the storm with grace and understanding, snapping back only when Hutch was at his most obnoxious.

It was just that nothing made sense anymore. Everywhere he turned to for answers just seemed to highlight more questions; everything that had once been sharp black or white now seemed painted a confusing monotone grey. He’d noticed something else today, though, something that made him nearly as uneasy as his own sense of being adrift: the overwhelming feeling that Starsky wasn’t. Oh, he became just as frustrated with the holes in the system; equally aggrieved at the grim realization that their ability to effect any real change was practically nil. There was a key difference though. While he himself had been busy struggling to find some rationale to explain the apparently senseless killing of an elderly man in a convenience-store robbery, Starsky had gone and comforted the new widow. While he railed against the injustice of a system that could release a convicted rapist to the streets with nothing more than a warning, Starsky had noticed a minor infraction that managed to slip by everyone else…something that bought them another seventy-two hours to gather more evidence. While he had been arguing with R and I for the better part of half an hour, Starsky had typed up all of their reports — not well, but good enough. Now, when he could hardly stand his own company, his partner had taken him home, baited him into an off-the-wall sport of his own invention, and appeared completely dedicated to the task of getting him to unwind.

Instead of fighting and analyzing, Starsky accomplished what he could. Was that the answer? Just do instead of think? Perhaps… He wasn’t sure he was wholly comfortable in finding the answers to so many of life’s pressing questions wrapped up in just one person, wasn’t even sure it was healthy. And yet…how did that old song go? He’d heard it on the radio just the other day — something about not having to go out your door to know all the things of earth, not having to look out your window to know the ways of heaven? Something like that. ‘The farther one travels, the less one knows’… that line he remembered clearly enough. The Inner Light. The song title announced itself to his consciousness with the mental equivalent of a trumpet blare, almost knocking him over with its immediate relevance. Starsky wasn’t really showing him his answers at all, just illuminating the path he could take to find them. The reason Starsky wasn’t tearing himself to pieces looking for answers somewhere ‘out there’ was because that’s not where they were to be found…his way was lit from within. The closer I stay to you, the less confused I am. Hutch smiled for only the second time that day as he felt the earlier tension begin to evaporate. Nothing actually solved, he at least had a starting point now, not to mention a sympathetic soul about a yard away eager to accompany him wherever that path might lead. Perhaps this was something coded into an altogether elemental part of their relationship: when one got lost, the other was never very far away with a compass and lamp. Inner light.

It was then that Hutch first became aware of the utter silence in the room. The story had obviously run its course and Starsky was now patiently awaiting some sort of comment reinforcing the notion that Hutch had actually been listening. Which he hadn’t. At all.

“Huh?” he said brightly. Busted.

Starsky grinned. “I don’t know where you’ve been while I’ve been jabbering away for the past twenty minutes, but welcome back.”

Hutch had the grace to blush. “Sorry. I just…”

“Forget it,” Starsky said with a wave of his hand. “Y’didn’t miss much. I was just telling you about that trick shot I read about in ‘Photography Today’, the one where you have to…” He must have found something lacking in Hutch’s expression, because he stopped mid-sentence, smiled wearily, and dropped his head down onto a hand. “Never mind. It wasn’t that interesting the first time round.” Lifting the camera, he glanced briefly through the eyepiece before gently laying it back down on the floor. “I’d show ya, but I can’t do it in here. The light’s no good.”

Startled by the eerily appropriate reference, Hutch stared open-mouthed for a few seconds before softening his gaze. “You’re wrong, you know,” he said fondly.

“What?”

Hutch smiled and reached out to tug on a dark curl — ostensibly to remove a stray piece of plastic film. “You’re wrong. The light here’s perfect.”

~*~

The Inner Light — Harrison
Lead Vocals: George Harrison

Without going out of my door I can know all things of earth
Without looking out of my window I could know the ways of heaven
The farther one travels
The less one knows
The less one really knows
Without going out of my door
You can know all things of earth
Without looking out of my window
You could know the ways of heaven
The farther one travels
The less one knows
The less one really knows
Arrive without travelling
See all without looking
Do all without doing