Love on the Other Side

11

After Gunther, Starsky and Hutch each talk to therapists, finding the courage to speak their truths.

---

Starsky fidgeted in the high-back chair, drumming his fingers on the armrests. 

He didn’t much like the therapist’s office. The furniture lacked personality, the upholstery felt rigid, and the decor was bland and lifeless. It reminded him of a hospital, with its sterile walls and nurses in squeaky white shoes. 

At first, Starsky didn’t want to talk to a therapist about Gunther, or about dealing with how close he came to dying, but the department had required it. If it wasn’t for the calming voice and heartfelt understanding of his therapist, Doctor Jane Tisdale, Starsky doubted he would have made it past one session. 

Doctor Tisdale was a striking woman, with piercing blue eyes and strands of graying hair that cascaded loosely onto her shoulders. 

“I may look older,” she told Starsky on his first visit, “but I pride myself on being progressive. I’ve worked extensively with various forms of stress and trauma. Rest assured, I’m not a spy for the police force, and our conversations are completely confidential. I take that oath very seriously.” 

Her genuine smile, the kindness in her eyes, and the way she listened without judgment immediately gained Starsky’s trust. Three months later, Doctor Tisdale gave Starsky the news he had been working to hear. 

“In my professional opinion, you are more than ready to return to work,” she said. “With your physical requirements already met, I can confidently recommend your complete reinstatement.” 

A surge of anxiety shot through Starsky. He pressed his hand to his lips, struggling to steady his racing mind. 

“Detective Starsky?” The doctor’s voice cut through his thoughts. “I’m not sure if you heard me. I said you’ve got a clean bill of health, from all sides. Isn’t that what you’ve been working towards these past few months?” 

“Yes, of course, it is,” Starsky replied, his voice muffled by his hands. “I’m very happy about that.” 

Doctor Tisdale peered over the top of her glasses. “So, why do I feel like you’re hesitating about something?” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, doc. I’m not hesitating,” Starsky insisted. 

“And I’m Billie Jean King,” she retorted with a wry smile. “Maybe we should change the subject? Tell me, how is Hutch doing?” 

“Hutch?” A faint grin touched Starsky’s lips. “Hutch is good.”

“You haven’t mentioned him in a while,” the doctor noted with a hint of concern. “When you first started coming here, you talked about him all the time.” 

“I did?” Starsky relaxed his grip on the wooden armrests, his fingers brushing along the smooth surface. “I hadn’t noticed.” 

“It’s a good thing I did, then,” she said, her voice comforting yet professional. “So, has something changed between you two?” 

Starsky’s gaze sharpened. “Why do you ask that?” 

“It’s just a feeling,” she replied, flipping through her notes. “A few months ago, you said, and I quote – ‘ Hutch is the best thing about my day. He puts up with every bit of my recovery, my bad moods, my poor appetite, all of it. He even shaved his mustache off, just for me, because I said growing it defied all rational thought.’” 

Doctor Tisdale looked up, her eyebrows raised, and continued. “Later you said, and again I quote – ‘Hutch smiles all the time these days. He says it makes him happy that I’m getting better. He smiles so much, he reminds me of a frigging toothpaste ad.'” 

She flipped through more pages. “And here you described him as not only the best friend you’ve ever had but the only person with whom you can truly be yourself. And here you said…” 

Starsky raised his hand, stopping her. “Okay, I know what I said. And I meant every word.” 

Tisdale nodded, continuing. “You mentioned Hutch was seeing a colleague of mine, Doctor Clarke.” 

“Yes, from what Hutch told me, Doctor Clarke seems to be helping him quite a bit. It’s the one good idea the department ever had -for Hutch to talk to someone.” Starsky said with a faint hint of sarcasm. “Not that Hutch was unstable or anything. But he did see his partner get shot and nearly die. That would mess with anybody’s mind.” Starsky inhaled, adding with a hint of pride, “Then, he goes and spends all his time helping me get better. If anyone deserves a medal, it’s him, if you ask me.” 

“I am asking you.” 

“What exactly do you want to know?” 

“I’ve asked you two questions: First, how is Hutch doing? Second, why did you hesitate when I cleared you to return to work?” The doctor leaned back in her chair. “Feel free to answer in whichever order you prefer.” 

Starsky gave a rueful smile. Jane Tisdale was always direct and expected honesty. “I told you, Hutch is good.” 

“Would you elaborate?”

Starsky took a deep breath, his voice trembling slightly. “Hutch is doing better than good— he’s thriving. He’s sleeping better, eating well, and he’s smiling more. Hutch finally admitted that Gunther’s attack wasn’t his fault. No matter how often I told him, or Dobey, Huggy, or anyone else, for that matter, it was Doctor Clarke who finally helped him see that.” 

Starsky swallowed hard, his emotions barely in check. “Hutch could have been the one hit. If that had happened, he wouldn’t have blamed anyone—especially not me.” He looked at Tisdale with deep relief. “Hutch was finally able to process his feelings. It wasn’t just guilt he was dealing with; it was grief and fear. Now, he smiles all the time, since he’s come to terms with that.” Starsky chuckled. “The toothpaste ads have been non-stop.” 

A soft grin spread across Starsky’s face. “Hutch is beautiful when he smiles.” 

He caught himself and quickly added, “I mean, it’s just a fact.” Clearing his throat, he asked, “Was there another question?” 

Tisdale nodded. “Yes, the one about your hesitation.” 

“Who says I’m hesitating?” 

“I do. Normally, when I give my patients the all-clear, they practically run from my office. You, however, seem reluctant to leave that very uncomfortable chair.” 

“Maybe I like this chair.” 

“No one likes that chair.” 

“Maybe I like your smiling face.” 

“Don’t try to sweet-talk me now, Detective Starsky. I’ve told you before, I’m taken. It’s just not meant to be between us.” She folded her hands on her lap and smiled. “Seriously, David, talk to me.” 

Starsky shifted in his seat, averting the scrutiny in the doctor’s eyes. 

“Maybe I’m scared and don’t know why,” he said. 

Doctor Tisdale gave a nod of understanding. 

“Maybe we’re getting somewhere,” she said gently. 

——————–

Hutch peeked around the curtains and glanced out the window of Doctor Clarke’s office. From the twelfth floor, the city stretched out below, but his eyes always sought the metro police station down the street, hoping one day soon he would see the familiar striped tomato parked outside. Today might be his final visit with Doctor Ashley Clarke. Though he appreciated all the help she had offered over the past few months, he felt ready to move on.

“Detective Hutchinson,” Doctor Clarke said as she entered. “Thank you for waiting. Please, have a seat.” 

Hutch turned and offered a friendly smile. He thought Doctor Clarke was attractive, and he guessed she was probably in her mid-to-late forties. Her bright green eyes were prominent behind her large round glasses, and her dark hair, streaked with hints of gray, fell in a bob to her shoulders, framing her slender face. 

“It’s no trouble at all, doctor,” Hutch replied as he settled into the large wing-back chair across from her. “You’re worth the wait.” 

Doctor Clarke laughed. “You certainly know how to charm a lady, detective. I’ll give you that.” 

Hutch felt a flush on his cheeks, touched by her words. He respected her, both professionally and personally. “I’m not trying to charm you,” Hutch said with a shy smile. “At least, not entirely. I do think you’re worth the wait. And I want you to know, as much as I want to move on, I will miss our visits.” 

The doctor removed her glasses and raised an eyebrow, her smile teasing. “Last I checked, I’m the doctor, and you’re the patient. What makes you so sure this will be your last visit?” 

Hutch hesitated, stumbling. “Because you said you were pleased with my progress last week? I thought that meant…” 

“You thought it meant this would be your final visit. And it might be. But before we make that decision, I’d like to hear from you, in your own words, what you’ve learned from these sessions over the past few months.” 

Hutch straightened in his chair, taking a deep breath. “I feel like I’ve moved past the worst of the trauma and guilt. I see things much clearer now. The shooting wasn’t my fault; it was Gunther’s. Focusing on the present and what I have today, rather than dwelling on the past, has made a huge difference. With your help, I’ve made real progress. Starsky is about to be reinstated, and the future is looking bright. It feels like everything is coming together.” 

Doctor Clarke folded her hands in her lap, her expression thoughtful. “There’s one last point to discuss—the point you made about the future.” She flipped through her notes. “You’ve often said, ‘Starsky is my future.’ Would you elaborate on that?” 

Hutch hesitated, pulling at his nose as he fought his nerves. He trusted this woman from day one. There was no reason not to trust her now. 

“Truth?” Hutch asked. 

“I expect nothing less.” 

Hutch met her gaze with conviction. “I love him,” he said, the words leaving his lips for the first time.

“I gathered that,” Clarke said with a knowing nod. “Given everything you’ve shared about him, it was never in doubt.” 

“Doctor, you don’t understand. What I mean is, I’m in love with him.” 

“I understand completely,” she replied with a smile, not missing a beat. “I’m glad you finally said it out loud. Now, let’s talk about what that means for your future.” 

Hutch felt a weight lift from his chest, impressed by the doctor’s intuition. He ran a hand down his face as he contemplated her words. “My future? I guess it depends on what Starsky wants it to be.” 

“So, you would base your future on his decision?” 

“Based on ‘his decision’ isn’t quite right,” Hutch said defensively. “Starsky doesn’t make decisions on a whim. What I mean is, I’m unsure how he’ll react to what I just told you. I know what I want—I want a life with him. The real question is whether he wants that too.” 

“That is an important question,” Doctor Clarke said. “But would the answer give you everything you need?” 

Her eyes held a look that Hutch recognized – a signal she was guiding him toward something he couldn’t reach alone. 

“What are you saying, doctor? What else could I possibly need?” 

“It’s not for me to say,” she answered. “But to find out, maybe you should be asking yourself a different question.” 

————————

“What do I have to be scared about?” Starsky asked as he rubbed his hands on his thighs. “I’m feeling better and have been fully reinstated, as you well know. Hutch is good, great even.” He tried to steady his voice. “Maybe I’m afraid of exploding with goddam joy, is that it, doc?” 

Doctor Tisdale gave him a knowing look. “You know me well enough by now to understand that I won’t let you off the hook easily, David. Has it occurred to you that my questions might be hinting at something important?” 

“Your questions? Do you mean how Hutch is and why I’m hesitating to return to work? How could those questions be related?” 

Doctor Tisdale’s silence was her answer. 

Starsky pursed his lips in frustration. “Hutch is great, like I said. And I’m not hesitating; I just don’t understand what’s eating me.” 

“How does that make you feel?”

Starsky smirked. “Isn’t that a question therapists only ask in movies? Are you going to ask me what kind of tree I am next?” 

Jane Tisdale let out a chuckle. “Alright, maybe that wasn’t the best phrasing. Let me try again. How does Hutch make you feel?” 

“How does Hutch make me feel?” he repeated, puzzled. “What exactly are you getting at?”

She tilted her head, her patience evident. “I think you know what I mean.” 

Starsky covered his growing smile with his hand, letting his thoughts crystallize. “He makes me believe that love is real,” he answered with a breath. 

“And that scares you?” 

“Yes,” Starsky admitted, “but not for the reason you might think.” 

“Enlighten me, then.” 

“It’s not the love that scares me. It’s the fear of losing that love. How can I return to work knowing I’m in love with my partner and still do my job? How can I protect him like I used to?” 

“That’s an important question. Does Hutch know how you feel?” 

“He knows I love him, but he doesn’t know I want more than friendship. Telling him that scares me too.” 

“What are you afraid will happen?” she probed. “Do you think Hutch would say no?” 

“That’s possible, but it’s not my biggest fear; even if he doesn’t feel the same way, he would understand,” Starsky whispered, “he would let me down gently.” 

“Ok, so you know Hutch is not going anywhere, even if he doesn’t return your feelings. What, then, is making you afraid?” 

“I’m more afraid of what happens if he says yes,” Starsky blurted out as he looked up at the ceiling, searching for the right words. “How do I explain to him that being in love makes me terrified of losing him? We’ve always faced danger together, and I’ve always had that fear. But now, the thought of losing him is…consuming me. After all his progress in overcoming things after Gunther, how can I tell him not to be afraid, and then justify being afraid myself? Doesn’t that make me a big hypocrite?” 

“It makes you human, David. Nobody wants to face the idea of losing the people they love. After everything you and Hutch have been through, multiply that by a thousand. But you know what?” 

“What?”

“If you decide to be honest with Hutch, I believe you two can confront this together. Hutch has faced similar fears and is learning to manage them. He can help you, and you can help him.” 

“How exactly can I help him?” 

“By being truthful. If you’re reconsidering returning to work, have that conversation with Hutch, but don’t let fear dictate your decisions.” 

“It’s time Hutch and I talked, isn’t it?” Starsky asked.

“I would say it’s a conversation that’s long overdue,” she said softly. 

I’m not going to hesitate,” Starsky said, “not anymore.” 

The doctor gave him a satisfied glance. “Well then, detective, I suppose our work here is complete.” 

Starsky pushed his hands into the armrests as he stood, then extended a hand to her. “Thank you, Doctor Jane, for everything. But there’s one more truth I need to share.” 

Doctor Tisdale walked Starsky to the door and halted. “What’s that, David?” 

“I really didn’t like that chair.” Starsky kissed the back of her hand, then walked out the door, the sound of Doctor Tisdale’s chuckle lingering in his ears. 

————————-

What do you mean, I should ask a different question?” Hutch asked, shaking his head in confusion. 

“Maybe instead of focusing on how Starsky will react, you should ask yourself how you will react,” Doctor Clarke suggested gently. 

“Me?” Hutch replied, puzzled. “I’d expect to be very happy if Starsky, you know, agrees.” 

“I’m sure you would be,” she answered. “But what if he doesn’t? Have you thought about whether you have the strength to handle it if the answer is no? You’ve been so focused on Starsky’s response that you haven’t considered how you would cope with that possible outcome.” 

Hutch’s mouth fell open. He had been so consumed with thoughts of how Starsky might respond—dreams of kissing, imagining their bodies together, picturing the moment he would confess his love—that he had never stopped to think about his response to potential rejection. 

Until now. 

“Yes,” he said, nodding slowly as his thoughts became clear. “Yes, I think I know how I’d handle it. I would accept it.”

“Are you sure you can do that?” Clarke pressed. “It’s risky to be that vulnerable, to open yourself up to rejection.” 

Hutch straightened, meeting her eyes with determined resolve. “You don’t know Starsky. Rejection isn’t in his nature. Even if he said no, he wouldn’t push me away. He’d still want me in his life, I’m sure of it.” 

“You’re right,” the doctor said with an insightful smile. “I don’t know Starsky. It’s not my job to know him. My job is to ensure you, Ken Hutchinson, are prepared for any future, even one where you might face challenges, including ones from Starsky. And if something does happen to bring you down, I want you to have the tools to manage it.” 

Hutch nodded, understanding now. “Starsky could never bring me down, even if he says no. Living with uncertainty, always wondering about what could be – now that could bring me down.” Hutch added with confidence. “So yes. The answer is yes, I’d be able to handle it.” 

“That’s good. You’ve come a long way, Hutch. It seems today truly is your last visit. In my opinion, you’re ready for the next step.” 

“There’s only one way to find out, right?” Hutch said as he stood. He extended his hand, leaning in to kiss her cheek. 

“Right,” she answered, clasping Hutch’s hands. “Go talk to your partner.”

“I intend to. Thank you, Doctor Clarke.” 

“Ashley,” she corrected. “If we ever meet under different circumstances, you can call me Ashley. And Hutch?” 

“Yes?” he asked, turning to her as he opened the door. 

“Good luck,” she said, smiling. “I mean that.” 

“Thanks,” Hutch said, feeling a surge of renewed confidence as he exited the office, aware that the doctor’s smile lingered in his wake. 

———————-

Starsky jogged up the stairs to Hutch’s apartment, bursting with newfound energy. Thanks to Doctor Tisdale’s encouragement, he felt lighter than he had in ages. He reached for the key Hutch had given him long ago, unlocked the door, and stepped inside, closing the door behind him. 

Hutch was there, by the window, tending to his plants. He heard the door click open and turned to see Starsky. 

The moment stretched between them, both men pausing as their eyes locked. Starsky took a step forward, and Hutch mirrored his movement.

“I have something to tell you,” they said in unison. 

Starsky chuckled, captivated by the shy smile on Hutch’s face. 

“You go first,” they said simultaneously. 

Starsky grinned and took a deep breath, his heart racing with anticipation. He closed the distance between them, placing his hands tenderly on Hutch’s elbows. With a playful look, he brushed a strand of Hutch’s hair back, his fingers trailing down his cheek until his thumb rested on Hutch’s lips. 

Hutch’s strong arms pulled him closer, and their lips met in a kiss that felt to Starsky like pure magic. When they finally broke apart, their faces were still inches apart. 

“You were saying?” Starsky asked, his voice low, and his heart full. 

Hutch’s beaming smile lit up the room, radiating warmth. He leaned in for another kiss, his lips hovering just above Starsky’s as he whispered, “I love you. Everything else I have to say can wait until later.” 

Starsky took Hutch’s hand, his heart swelling with love. “I love you too,” he said softly. “We have all the time in the world to say what we need to say. But there’s one thing I want you to know right now.” 

Hutch tilted his head. “What is it?” he asked. 

Starsky gently cupped Hutch’s cheeks, his gaze locked on Hutch. “That I’m not afraid anymore,” he said softly. 

He took Hutch’s hand, and they walked to the bedroom, fingers intertwined with unspoken understanding, side by side in perfect rhythm, sharing a connection that spoke louder than words. 

Their love-making was unhurried, burning, and intense like the deepening of their love. Starsky covered Hutch with kisses, cherishing his body like a precious treasure, savoring every moment, not worried it would end. Hutch’s eyes revealed an unwavering love, shimmering with tenderness that spoke volumes without words. 

They reached their climax in harmony, moans of ecstasy filling the silence, falling slowly back to earth where they belonged, in each other’s arms. 

There would be time later for talking, figuring it all out, deciding which problems were real, which needed solving, and which, in the end, just didn’t matter. 

Tonight, it was about love. Together, they were ready for anything. 

—————————

Epilogue

Jane unlocked the front door of her apartment and tossed her keys onto the entrance table with a sigh of relief. “Babe, I’m home!” she called out. “Sorry, I’m late. It was quite a day.” 

She glanced around the darkened living room, noting the lights were off. 

“I’m in the bedroom,” came the familiar, beloved voice of the person she cherished most. Jane quickly removed her jacket, hung it on the rack, and made her way down the hall. 

Ashley Clarke was waiting for her in bed with a wide smile. “I’ve been eagerly waiting for you to get home,” she said, holding a bottle of wine. “I thought we could relax before dinner. I’m celebrating the graduation of one of my favorite patients today.” 

Jane slipped out of her work clothes and climbed in beside Ashley. She leaned in to kiss Ashley’s nose, her heart swelling with love. “After twenty years together, you still manage to surprise me,” she whispered. “Without giving away too much, would this triumphant patient happen to be Detective Ken Hutchinson?” 

Ashley’s eyes sparkled. “Yes, how did you guess?” 

“I’m happy to report that his partner graduated today as well.” 

“So, without breaching any confidentiality, it seems we can both report that our patients have finally figured things out?” Ashley asked, her eyes twinkling. 

Jane nodded with a smile. “It looks that way. Do you think they’d be surprised if they knew we were together?” 

“I think they’d probably ask us for tips on keeping our relationship under wraps,” Ashley laughed, taking a sip of wine and pulling Jane closer. “Who knows, maybe we can have them over sometime after some time passes—not as their doctors, but as friends. If they’re up to it.” 

“I’d like that. If anyone can learn to figure things out, it will be those two,” Jane added. “They have a challenging road ahead, but you and I know it will be worth every minute.” 

Ashley nestled closer to Jane, savoring the quiet moment. “Absolutely,” she agreed, her heart full. 

Jane lifted her glass, her eyes shining with emotion. “Here’s to being with the person you love.” 

Ashley met her eyes, reflecting the same deep affection. “Hear, hear,” she said, taking a sip. “For as long as we both shall live.”