A Trick of the Light

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A SH vignette.

 

First published in Venice Place Chronicles, Volume VIII.

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It wasn’t like he thought about it all the time, only that the light made it seem so. Made the moments, now and then, when it caught Hutch’s hair, just so, making it shine like gold in the hot afternoon, seem to stand still.

Those were the times he could almost picture it, almost see how the two of them could fit together in a way that was so much more than how it had been with any woman, even Terry.

But then the moment would pass and Starsky would tell himself it was just a trick of the light.

Those weren’t the only times, though. Sometimes, sitting in the inviting darkness of the Pits, Hutch would turn his head, just so, and the low inviting light of the bar would turn his eyes deep and dark, like the midnight sky, and Starsky could swear he saw something more there, an invitation.

But then Hutch would turn away, turn to order another beer, turn to talk to the girl sitting next to him, and Starsky would know the moment for what it was. Just another trick of the light.

Starsky was never sure why the light seemed to enjoy those tricks it played on him, twisting his stomach and making him want so deeply his soul ached with it. He only knew that those moments had come to mean more to him than all the other moments in his life.

Moments in the interrogation room, when the light would make Hutch glow with righteous indignation at the injustice around him. When Hutch’s fury at the human failings around them made him more beautiful than anyone had a right to be. So beautiful that just looking at him made Starsky ache to touch.

But he knew better, knew it was just the light and the tricks it played on him.

Just like he knew the twinkle, the light that shown from Hutch’s eyes, in the moments when they were alone together, was just the light’s way of teasing him, showing him the things that might have been, but weren’t. Things that were only the tricks it played for him.

So, Starsky told himself not to think about it. Reminded himself as he went through his days to be happy with what he did have. A job that made him feel worthy. A car that thrummed with power and moved with him like they were a part of each other.

Hutch by his side.

If this was all he was to ever have, he could be happy with that. It was more than he knew he deserved, more than he thought he’d have in the lonely moments of his life.

But the light…no matter what he told himself, the light still loved to play its tricks on him. Made him see and want what was never really there, even as he told himself he was happy with what was.

The light, never happy unless Starsky was twisted in knots of want and need and can’t have, found new ways to trick and toy. Found ways to make it feel as if Hutch’s eyes grew soft and warm as they landed on Starsky. Made his bones feel as though those clear blue lights lingered longer and longingly on him.

Time passed, and Starsky thought with it the light’s interest in him would pass, too, but it didn’t. With each day it seemed to spend more time highlighting the soft curve of Hutch’s mouth, the warm glow of his eyes, the long, slender fingers that wrapped around his arm and lingered.

And Starsky wondered.

Wondered why the light chose him to show those things.

Wondered if maybe there wasn’t more to the light then just the taunting and toying.

Wondered if the teasing wasn’t something more.

Wondered if it wasn’t a gift. A revelation.

Wondered if he couldn’t have all the things the light showed him.

Wondered if the light wasn’t showing him the path he was meant to follow.

Until the day another light tried to lead him away and he heard Hutch’s voice, calling to him, telling him that he wasn’t allowed to go and felt the warm glow of their light surrounding Hutch and knew.

Knew what the light had been trying to tell him. Knew that what the light had been trying to show him had been the true way all along.

And so he followed. Followed it back to warmth and the glow of Hutch by his side. Followed it through the weeks and months of struggle to re-gain what they’d had. Followed it through the awkward stumble of words and first touches, of exploration and wonder.

Until finally it was just the three of them, where they belonged, him, Hutch, and their light.