In SHareCon zines, the editors usually look for short works to fill out partial pages. In 2012, Suztm was kind enough to submit a variety of short and very short parody works we could use. These short shorts appeared throughout the zine.
Originally published in SHareCon 2012 zine.
Animal House
Chief: Harold, what is the worst police partnership in this precinct?
Dobey: Well that would be hard to say, sir. They’re each outstanding in their own way.
Chief: Cut the horseshit, son. I’ve got their disciplinary files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of condoms into the women’s locker room? Who delivered morgue cadavers to the Academy graduation ceremony? Every Halloween, the black & whites filled with Fatburgers. Every spring, the toilets explode.
Dobey: You’re talking about Zebra Three, sir.
Chief: Of course I’m talking about Zebra Three, you TWERP!
***
Synanon
Starsky: You’re watching a movie about rehab?
Hutch: Well, you know… but you gotta take a look at this actor! He looks like a skinny Dobey!
Starsky: Nah, I’ll pass. That place gives me a funny feeling….
***
The Muppet Movie
“No really, look: You fluff up your hair, you stop shaving your back, and you are a Muppet of a man.”
***
The Dirty Dozen
“You eat leftover pizza that’s fallen on the floor. I don’t see what the problem is with a few dropped eggs.”
***
True Grit
“Fill your hand, you son of a bitch!”
“Starsky, put down the guns and get the steering wheel out of your mouth.”
***
Terms of Endearment
“It’s past ten. My partner is in pain. I don’t understand why he has to have this pain. All he has to do is hold out until ten, and IT’S PAST TEN! My partner is in pain, can’t you understand that! GIVE MY PARTNER THE SHOT!”
“Okay, here ya go: One shot of Glenfiddich.”
“Thanks, Hug.”
***
Grease
Hutch: No, Starsky!
Starsky: Hutch, don’t worry about it, nobody’s watching.
Hutch: Starsky, get off me!
Starsky: Come on, Hutch, what’s the matter with you? I thought I meant something to you!
Hutch: Meant something to you! You think I’m going to stay here with you in this? This red tomato sin wagon? You can take this piece of tin! [Hutch throws his badge at Starsky and runs away.]
Starsky: Hutch, you just can’t walk out of a drive-in!
***
The Dark Knight Rises
“But why do you keep calling it your “dark knight?”
“Because it rises.”
“Oh.”
***
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Starsky: I was in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Hutch: I don’t think I was.
Starsky: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Hutch: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
Starsky: No, it’s too perilous.
Hutch: Look, it’s my duty as a cop to sample as much peril as I can.
Starsky: No, we’ve got to get to Huggy’s. Come on.
Hutch: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
Starsky: No. It’s unhealthy.
Hutch: I bet you’re gay.
Starsky: Am not.
***
American Graffiti
(Dobey catches Starsky dipping Hutch)
Dobey: All right, all right, Starsky, break that up. You know the rules. You and your partner want to do that, go someplace else, huh?
Starsky: Hey, Dobey! Why don’t you go kiss a duck?
Dobey: What did you say?
Starsky: I said, go kiss a duck, marblehead.
Dobey: Okay, Starsky, you are suspended. Don’t-don’t you even come in on Monday. You’re out, you’re out!
Starsky: Hey, hey, Dobey. I threw my badge in the ocean last week. Remember?
Hutch: No no no. That’s still years away.
Starsky: Sorry. Got my scripts mixed up.
***
More American Graffiti
Hutch: Did you see it?
Starsky: No, did you?
Hutch: No.
Starsky: Saw “Star Wars,” though.
Hutch: Want to dip again?
***
Reservoir Dogs
“Hey Hutch! There are 269 f-words in Reservoir Dogs.”
***
Casino
“Hey Hutch! There are 398 f-words in Casino.”
***
Goodfellas
“Hey Hutch! There are 300 f-words in Goodfellas.”
***
Summer of Sam
“Hey Hutch! There are 435 f-words in Summer of Sam.”
“Hey Starsky, I said the f-word on television and no one noticed.”
“You win.”
***
Top Gun
“I feel the need….”
“…the need for speed!”
“I thought you preferred heroin.”
***
Ghostbusters
Starsky: Bay City is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions.
Dobey: What do you mean, “biblical”? Did one of you catch the plague again?
Hutch: What he means is Old Testament, Captain, real wrath of God type stuff.
Starsky: Exactly.
Hutch: Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! The Bay City River and the Bay City Sea boiling!
Starsky: Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes, people running around with poison-filled syringes….
Hutch: The dead rising from the grave!
Starsky: Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, police partners living together… mass hysteria!
Dobey: All right, all right! I get the point! No one will go ballistic as long as you two have separate mailing addresses. Dismissed.
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