Forever, My Love

Everything had changed or, more to the point, Hutch had changed. Tonight he would know if what they had left could be worth saving. Could he take Starsky’s rejection? Could he survive if Starsky turned him away?

Originally published in Dangerous Lives, Dangerous Visions 4 in 2006.

This was a place he knew, a place he was supposed to feel safe; their home. Hutch stood in the bathroom as if it were a refuge. Outside the door he knew he’d find Starsky, waiting. What he didn’t know was what reaction he would be met with. Each time he looked into Starsky eyes, the change in himself was apparent. And each time, Hutch wondered when Starsky would say it was too much. He was not the man he had once been. Hutch would never be that man again. Was he a man at all? The shell he wore seemed familiar, but the longing inside was new.

Hutch stared into the mirror and was met with nothingness. It still shocked him each time he saw it. If you could not be seen, were you really there to begin with? He could no longer look into his face and recognize himself. He could only rely on his memories. He could only hope that what he had become inside had not changed who he really was. Was the man who he was now a monster? Could Starsky carry over that love he once had for Hutch and make them one? Hutch had to know.

He opened the door slowly, taking a tentative step into the bedroom. Starsky was waiting for him on the bed, propped against the headboard. Had it only been a few days since they had played out this scene for the first time? It was different then. They had been living, breathing as one. Now, everything had changed or, more to the point, he had changed. Tonight he would know if what they had left could be worth saving. Could he take Starsky’s rejection? Could he survive if Starsky turned him away? What kind of existence could he have with no connection to the past?

Hutch opened his mouth to say something, and then quickly closed it again. There were no words, nothing he could say to bridge this gap, but Starsky understood. His lover simply dropped his eyes and nodded. It gave Hutch courage to inch forward, finally joining Starsky on the bed, but not yet touching him. Hutch hadn’t been in love with this bed when they had first purchased it. He kept telling Starsky that it was too big, that they’d lose each other in the night, but Starsky had insisted on it. Now, he was glad for its spaciousness. He needed the room to build up his courage slowly.

What could they have had, if this had not happened to them? Would they have grown old together, still in love? Were they destined, now, to die apart, the survivor alone and broken for years afterward? But none of that mattered; it had happened, everything had changed. They had to accept it and adapt. They could still be together, but they both had to want it more than fear it.

Time was meaningless to him, like many things now. He stared at his lover across the distance separating them. But Starsky reached out for him, unwilling to wait. When Starsky’s warm flesh touched Hutch’s cold hand, it startled Starsky. It seemed to take Starsky a moment to realize that Hutch had changed. But Starsky’s moments of disbelief were shorter each time.

Starsky grasped Hutch’s hand, pulling it up to give a light kiss before placing it on Starsky’s beating heart. Starsky was alive, after all those close calls and dark days when death seemed to be waiting for him. Hutch had seen him win that battle many times. Sadly, Hutch had failed to win his own fight, and now they faced an uncertain future. But Starsky was with him, giving Hutch strength to seek out answers.

Hutch moved his hand towards Starsky’s face, then cupped his lover’s cheek, soaking in the warmth that radiated beneath his palm. Starsky smiled and leaned into the touch.

Hutch was tentative, trying not to over-step any boundaries. He slowly moved forward, closing the distance between himself and Starsky. His lips met Starsky’s, afraid to ask for more for fear he’d be denied. Starsky was not pulling away, but Hutch had to be sure this was what they both wanted. Soon, Hutch opened his mouth and felt Starsky’s kisses grow more forceful. Hutch could feel Starsky’s tongue along the edges of his teeth, playing along the sharper tips. Eventually, Starsky pulled back, as if waiting for Hutch to return the favor. Hutch sought entry into Starsky’s mouth, tasting Starsky, cataloging the essence that made up this complicated man.

Starsky pulled back from their fevered kisses and looked at him with eyes blue and compelling. Hutch often knew what Starsky was thinking with a glance. It had served them well through many close calls. There were times when they had even cheated death. This time, though, Death had caught up to him when Starsky wasn’t there to save him. How could their silent communication help them now?

But Starsky seemed to understand his desires and fears. His lover’s hands left Hutch and for a moment he felt the chill of being alone. Starsky reached down and pulled off his own shirt. When that was done, Starsky leaned back, making his body taut. Then Hutch understood. Starsky bared his throat. Hutch’s lover, his mate, offered himself to Hutch. They had been partners and what Hutch had become did not change that. Hutch still loved Starsky. Starsky was assuring him that the feeling was mutual. They were forever.

Hutch kissed a line down Starsky’s neck, licking at his warm skin. He could taste the salty sweat that signaled Starsky’s growing anticipation. Starsky trembled, as if anxious for what was about to happen.

Finally, Hutch picked one vulnerable spot on Starsky’s throat and concentrated on it. Starsky gasped as Hutch’s teeth broke through his skin. Hutch wondered if he should stop, but he couldn’t, not yet. He needed this, needed Starsky, and the gift Starsky granted him.

The surge of Starsky’s warmth spread through him, first pooling in his mouth and then traveling down his throat. Hutch could taste the hint of iron on his tongue, mingling with other tastes that should be foreign and wrong, yet tasted like home. It felt like knocking back a shot of whiskey, but this shot filled him with strength rather than numbness. He didn’t want to be numb to this, never to this. He and Starsky merged together as one, yet again.

As if a fog lifted from him, he heard Starsky’s gasps. He knew that sound; it was the sound of ecstasy. He had heard it many times before.

Drawing back from his lover, Hutch could see a trickle of blood escaping one of the wounds. Hutch watched, fascinated, as the red liquid slowly made a path towards Starsky’s Adam’s apple. Then, he descended and latched onto the warm skin.

Hutch could hear Starsky moan as he lapped at the blood, teasing Starsky’s throat with his tongue. This was power, control. Everything Starsky was, had been, and would become, he gave to Hutch. Hutch owned him, and Starsky granted it without reservation. This was life, death, love. Every nerve in Hutch’s body was on full alert. He had a fleeting thought that he could die happily now, but then he realized it was too late for that. Their futures were eternal. No fears, no worries, just bliss.

He moved to place a kiss on Starsky’s lips. Remnants of blood clung to their mouths as Hutch deepened his kiss. Starsky made no protest, and seemed to revel in the love that they shared. Hutch finally moved away from Starsky’s willing mouth and returned to Starsky’s throat. His wounds looked red, angry, but they tempted him to return. Sucking on Starsky’s skin started the flow of blood again; Hutch sank his teeth into Starsky’s tender flesh once more.

This time, Starsky’s gasped more softly. Hutch grew drunk on this feast. He had never felt such pleasure and desire. He could feel Starsky’s heartbeat slowing, his breathing becoming more shallow, but still, Hutch couldn’t stop. This was a force greater than them both. He had to take this from Starsky so they could be together.

Hutch continued drinking, increasing his pressure until the blood flow lessened, then finally ceased. When he pulled away, Starsky lay still. Hutch placed a delicate kiss on Starsky’s mouth.

It was only the beginning.