Night Terrors

Hutch is seriously wounded and while waiting for the ambulance, Starsky must confront the bitter truth that brought them to this moment.

HELP ME! Somebody! Anybody! HELP!

Hutch, can you hear me? Just hang on! I hafta leave ya to go for help….

***

I’m back! C’mon, Hutch, open your eyes! Look at me! That’s it! Ambulance is on its way, but ya gotta stay with me! Take my hand. Just breathe—that’s it!—and don’t let go….

Goddamn crazy son of a bitch! What the fuck were you trying to do? Shhh! Don’t talk… I already know… and this is my fault… all my fault….

They said at the bar you were looking for a hooker. Had to be the one we shared the night Gunther died. We were drunk and hanging all over each other, arguing about whether to risk driving home. And that bitch came out of nowhere—big tits, tight ass, and a smile that went from bored to hungry when she got a closer look at you….

You didn’t even notice. But you saw me leering and were drunk enough to ask how much. I dunno who was more surprised—her or me—but she named a price and off we went. Next thing I know, we’re stumbling into a sleazy room with an unmade bed and dirty sheets.

And you didn’t care! Remember, Hutch? HUTCH! Can you hear me? God, you’re so cold…. I got you, buddy…. I’ll keep you warm… but where’s the blood? There should be more blood! Maybe… maybe this rain washed it away…. Maybe…. Fuck! Who am I kidding? I’ve seen enough shootings, been shot enough times…. Shot like that, no exit wound… it’s bad… it’s bad. Bullet ricochets, makes a mess inside…. You could bleed to death before the ambulance comes….

…And where the fuck IS it?! How long has it been? NO! Stay with me! Breathe, Hutch! Don’t let go! If you do, I swear, I’ll suck your gun like I should have sucked you….

Aw, Hutch, first times are supposed to be special. Why did ours have to go so wrong?

You wanted us naked, so we stripped. You told me to watch, so I climbed on the bed. And you put on a show, drove me outta my mind, working that whore with strong, calloused fingers ’til my nuts turned blue and she was begging to come.

Then I was begging, too. You pushed her at me, fed me her tits, nipples hard from all your teasing. I bit roughly and she moaned, pleaded for you to give her cock. You grabbed, but didn’t take her. You spread her legs and gave her mine.

I fucked her. And knowing you were watching was exciting as hell. But I didn’t come. I couldn’t. This was supposed to be a three-way. You were supposed to join in….

You just stood there stroking yourself, whispering encouragement under your breath. Then you yanked her off, tugged us into that damn sixty-nine and took her from behind while I licked her clit. But you were mechanical, a human dildo, uncaring ’til you felt my tongue. You slid against it and everything changed. You got hot! And I went wild, sucking mindlessly, tasting her wetness mingled with yours. It was the sexiest thing I’d ever done, but suddenly, it wasn’t enough. I wanted more. I wanted you.

You must’ve known, cuz you pulled out and urged us over before I changed my mind.

You mounted me. We fucked and came. But after… god, after…. Why couldn’t that bitch keep her big mouth shut?

Blondie wanted that sweet ass a long time, honey. What made you give it to him tonight?

You froze. I freaked. I didn’t mean to, but I did. We were tangled together on filthy sheets, half drunk, half asleep, stinking of sex and wanting more.

It might have happened. And if we’d been alone and there’d been time, I might have dealt with it and the discovery of what it meant to you.

But her words exposed precious things you’d kept hidden and her sulky attitude stung like hell. What we’d done was suddenly foul and ugly. And so was I… so were you. I rolled off the bed and grabbed my jeans, spewing obscenities as I dressed. At her, for witnessing our debauchery. At you, for fucking me, for turning me gay.

I was insane, Hutch. Out of control. Yelling, flinging things across the room….

The hooker slid off the bed and into her clothes. Bravely demanded her money from you.

But you were unresponsive, curled in shock on the bed. And when she tried to get the money herself, instead of your wallet, she found your badge. She threw it at you and fled the room.

I don’t know how long I ranted. I don’t even know how you got home, cuz when I stopped, I ran, too. Left you behind. Left you alone. We haven’t spoken since it happened. I took time off and blocked you out.

Huggy said you were drunk the first week. That’s not surprising. So was I. I couldn’t face being such a goddamn shit. And I couldn’t face what we’d done.

But when I think about it—hell, I can’t think about anything else—it’s not that hooker I remember. I couldn’t pick her out of a lineup if our lives depended on it. But I remember everything about you that night… like the scent of your fingers when they fed me her tits, they bore traces of an expensive cologne you wear only on the most special occasions, the one that smells of spice and musk….

…And I remember you touching yourself while I fucked. You weren’t watching us, you were watching me. Hungry eyes stroking me, whispers commanding me to feel everything and share it with you…. I surrendered screaming, hopelessly lost, and my blazing need for you made you brave….

You fucked her! And I felt—betrayed?—until I saw you moving where I’d just been. Felt you throb against my tongue. And I did as you commanded, licked away her wetness, eager for the taste of your cock in my mouth…. I wanted to suck you, but never got the chance.

I knew what you wanted when you rolled us over. And I held my breath when you exposed my hole. I was terrified, Hutch, that you wouldn’t take me, and I wanted to belong to you, body and soul.

Then you gave us what we both needed: you slid into me and made us one. I forgot about the hooker you had me sucking. I existed solely for your pleasure and I worked your body hard with mine.

I remember burning inside and out—from your hands on my hips when you pulled me closer, from the spurt of your cock as you branded my soul.

But mostly, I remember your whispered, “Mine!” in a tone so thick with undisguised passion, I came harder than I ever had and I hated myself and hated you for wasting it down some hooker’s throat.

I’m sorry for the way I acted that night. I’m sorry for the things I said. And I’m sorry I can’t say I love you, Hutch. Not that way. At least, not yet. But I can’t forget you didn’t take me. That hooker was right—I gave myself to you. I thought I was ready, but I wasn’t. I was embarrassed and I was ashamed….

Dammit, Hutch! It should have been different! We should have talked, been alone for that kind of sharing—clean sheets, clear heads, and freedom to touch. We’ve been too damn close for so damn long it was inevitable. I know that now. But with so much fear and denial between us, maybe it couldn’t happen any other way.

I know what you were doing here. I found the note when I broke in. It was left on the counter in your spotless apartment, weighed down by your badge, next to your gun.

You didn’t come here looking for a hooker. You came here for punishment, hoping to die. You knew goddamn well in a place like this, they’d kill ya for the nickels and dimes in your pocket. And you were seen flashing a fifty-dollar bill….

Fifty dollars, Hutch? You sold us cheap! What, you thought you were in this alone?

You wanted to know what I’m feeling. Well, listen up! What I’m feeling is rage! For the stupid, idiotic things I said. For all the things you didn’t say. And we deserve better than ‘I’m sorry’ and a bullet, but it’s too late now. It’s Me and Thee and we’re stuck with each other.

I hear the ambulance! It’s about goddamn time! I want the chance to do it over. I want to love you like you deserve. Stay with me, Hutch! We can work this out. Let go, and I swear I’ll suck your gun and pull the fuckin’ trigger! You hear me, Babe? Live or die, we do it together.

Hutch?

HUTCH!!!!

THE END