In Time

122

Starsky’s brother taunts him that their mom never forgave him for loving Hutch.

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“How long you gonna sit there apologizing to mom? She can’t hear you and she wouldn’t have accepted it anyway.” Nicky slouched in the doorway, sneering at his brother sitting shiva by their mother’s body on the dining room table. The aunts and female cousins had returned to their apartments elsewhere in the building to rest after washing and preparing her body and would be back later to sit with him overnight.

“Go make yourself presentable, Nicky. You’re expected to be here tonight.” He didn’t know why he was following these traditions. His mom wasn’t especially religious, and certainly neither were he and Nick, but mom’s sisters were and they had insisted, so Starsky had agreed and let them have their way.

“Don’t tell me what to do, big brother.” Nick didn’t move. “At least you didn’t bring lover-boy with you. Mom thought your relationship was an abomination and—” He shut up abruptly when Starsky stood to confront him.

“Clean up or don’t, Nicky, but say another word about Hutch to anyone, and you’ll spend the night in the E.R. getting your jaw wired shut.” His voice was low, but the look in Starsky’s eyes was venomous and Nick beat it to his bedroom to get ready for the family’s return.

It took time for Starsky to calm down and he paced the room, desperately wishing he could talk to Hutch. But Nicky was right. His mother had tolerated Hutch at first, but when Dave chose to remain in Southern California away from her influence, and he had become Hutch’s lover, her dreams of grandchildren had evaporated. Nicky couldn’t have children and now that Dave wouldn’t, he and Hutch were an abomination, no longer welcome in her home. She died refusing his calls.

It went as he remembered from his childhood, when they still practiced, before his father died in the line of duty and his mom became agnostic—sitting shiva with the family, her service and burial the next day, making arrangements for her marker to be set on the first anniversary of her death. He left nothing to chance or Nicky’s indifference, arranging and paying for everything, in case he was killed in the line of duty. Then he said his goodbyes and went home.

Hutch met him at the airport. He only had a carry-on bag, so they hugged and went right to the car, but drove home in silence.

At home, he emptied his bag and took a quick shower, then slipped into clean sweats and flopped down on the couch.

“What’s wrong, babe?” Hutch asked. He stood behind Starsky and massaged his neck and shoulders.

“Was I inconsiderate, Hutch? Selfish? She wanted me in NYC, married, with grandchildren she could spoil. I wanted to be here, away from her influence, so I resisted. Then I met you, and fell in love. She never forgave me.”

“Did you want her to?”

He wasn’t trying to hurt his lover, but he honestly wondered about how he’d treated his mom. He wished he could tell how Hutch was feeling.

“You weren’t selfish or inconsiderate, Starsk. You had a right to live the life you wanted, so you came out here to do it. We met at the academy and were barely friends at that point. We had nothing to do with her attitude. You became a cop like your dad and dated a lot of women. She wasn’t happy because you wouldn’t do what she wanted you to do.”

He laid his head back on the couch and looked up at Hutch. “I wasn’t trying to hurt you, Hutch. I love you.”

“I know.” Hutch leaned down and kissed him.