On Gillian

Hutch is trying to make sense of his loss.

Originally published in the Starsky and Hutch mixed anthology zine, The Fix #2 in 1988.

(for Gina)

I thought that Death
Was my old friend.
I’d seen it all…
So many ended lives.
Yet this—this sudden,
Brutal ending
Seems too much.
I protest, try to deny—
Why did he do it? screams my heart.
He couldn’t stand
To let you win.
To let you break away from him.
Was there something more
I could have done
To save you?
There must have been
Something.
Why didn’t I know?
Why didn’t I see?
I didn’t though—
Now all I see
Is your image in my dreams.
You, beautiful,
With tomorrow in your eyes…
Then falling,
Lying lifeless on the floor.
And all the Deaths to go before
Scream back
And mock me,
Turn my resignation
To new—blind fear,
Til nothing’s left of love
But tears.