Arousing Loving Care

Hutch declares his love for his partner, thinking it might be his last chance to do so.

Note: This story was written for the 2023 SHarecon zine.

I’m in the hospital, sitting in a chair next to my partner’s bed. He took three bullets in the back and is still alive—in a coma. I thank God for that because he’s still here. I’m looking at all the machines and tubes connected to him. He’s lying there motionless, and it scares me. My normally animated best friend is so still that it seems like I’ve already lost him, but only the constant beeping of the heart monitor lets me know that I haven’t.

I lean down and place my mouth to his ear. “Hey buddy, are you there? Can you hear me?” I watch for any signs of movement in his face or body, but there aren’t any. The doctor doesn’t know when he’ll wake up from the coma. He said it could be weeks, months, or even years.

Starsk, to have you away that long. I don’t know if I could handle it.

I remember the last time I was at his bedside like this. That was when he was poisoned. At the eleventh hour, I got an antidote and saved his life. He recovered completely, but this is different. I can’t save him this time, and if he wakes up, what condition will his body be in? Will he have brain damage? Will there be memory loss?

God, will you forget me? Us?

I closed my eyes, recalling everything we’d been through. We’ve been to hell and back many times, and through it all, it’s always been me and Thee. Him and me. We had a special bond from the beginning. A bond that most men don’t have—mostly straight, heterosexual men, that is. Neither of us ever thought twice about all the touching and sustained eye contact there was between us. It was just the way we were. It was comfortable and natural, but one moment changed everything.

It was when I was caring for him after he was poisoned and during his recovery. He was so vulnerable. It hurt my heart to see him like that. I’ve always loved Starsky, like a best friend or a brother loves a brother. However, during that time of caring for him, the love I felt for him intensified. It was a warm sensation that began in my heart, moved down to my belly, and ended in my groin.

After 48 hours, my impatient partner insisted on being discharged, but the hospital wouldn’t discharge him unless he had someone to care for him, so without hesitation, I stepped up and told them I’d do it. Once he was released into my care, I took him to his apartment because he’d be more comfortable in his own surroundings. On the way, I stopped at my place to pick up a few things and called Huggy to take care of my plants while I was away.

That first day, Starsky was as weak as a kitten. He needed my help to do most things, especially bathing. I started with sponge baths. He’d lay there with his eyes closed. When I reached his genitals, he insisted on doing it himself, so I turned away and let him.

After a day or two, he really wanted a shower but wouldn’t ask me to help him. While I was sitting in the living room reading, I heard noise and hurried into his bedroom, and he wasn’t in bed. The noise was coming from the bathroom, and when I got to the open door, I found him sitting on the floor of the shower stall. Apparently, instead of asking me to help him take a shower, he managed to get out of bed and hobble to the bathroom. In his attempt to do it, he had fallen.

When he finally did, I assisted him to the bathroom, stripped off his pajama bottoms, and got him into the stall. Even though there wasn’t much room, I needed to get in with him, so I stripped down to my boxers. While he leaned against the wall, I washed him. When I got to his cock and balls, I hesitated and glanced at him. His eyes were closed, so I went about washing his sensitive region. The force of the spray was pretty loud, but I think I heard him moan.

Once I was done, I noticed that he was semi-erect. I looked at him, and he shrugged, smiling sheepishly. I acknowledged him with a smile, then dried him off. When I glanced down at myself, my shorts were tenting. I hoped he didn’t notice as I got him back in bed, then quickly handled it in the bathroom. The next day, he was determined to do it himself to avoid another incident. I stayed close by in case he had any trouble, but with his resolve, my help wasn’t necessary.

Now that encounter has sparked new feelings in me. Feelings that weren’t really there before. I say ‘weren’t really’ because, if I’m being completely honest, in the past I have been titillated by my very sexy partner. I’ve noticed that amazing ass of his, especially when he’s wearing those skin-tight jeans. I’d never let him, or anyone catch me looking, but those feelings were there.

After Starsky recovered and returned to work, I found it difficult to be around him. I couldn’t stop thinking about our brief moment in the shower. The way he got hard and how my cock swelled as I washed him. I started daydreaming about doing it intentionally. Stimulating him, touching him with my bare hand, skin to skin, and taking his cock into my mouth. Soon, being with him in the Torino proved awkward. I’d sit in the passenger seat beside him, like I’ve done hundreds of times, but this time my heart fluttered when he’d glance at me while driving or when his hand brushed my knee on the way to retrieving something from the glove compartment. Most of the time, I’d keep my eyes on the road to avoid any eye contact that might give away what I was feeling.

Before this, I’d never had feelings like this for a man. It was women all the way, but with Starsky, it was different. I had always tried to suppress such feelings for my partner—my very straight, woman-loving partner. But now, it seems the flood gates have been opened. All my love and emerging sexual desire for this man came to fruition, and I didn’t know what to do about it. I never felt that I could come right out and tell him, but now things seem different. Now, I might finally be able to.

My eyes wash over him again. He looks so peaceful, and I’m a nervous wreck. I can’t stop the panic that’s gripping my gut. The fact that I may never see those beautiful sapphire eyes again is unbearable. I feel like if I lose him, my heart will stop beating the moment his does.

I put my face in my hands, trying to suppress a sob. There were still no signs of life when I lifted my head to look at him. I let the tears flow, and then I remembered reading that some coma patients can hear when you speak to them. I need to speak to him. I need to tell him out loud. If he never wakes up, I want him to know how I feel.

I lean closer to him and grasp his hand. “Starsk, can you hear me? If you can hear me, please move something to let me know. Move a finger, flutter your eyelids, and make a sound. Please, Starsk, for me, do it for me.” I waited, watched, and listened—nothing.

I let go of his hand and sigh, shutting my eyes for a moment. When I opened them, they drifted over his sleeping form again. But is he asleep? If he were, I could wake him, so, no, he’s not sleeping. I wish I knew where he was. I wished that, wherever he was, I could get to him and be with him. The thought of him being somewhere without me, even if it’s in his mind, destroys me. I feel like I’m letting him down. I’m not trying to find him, but God knows I would if I could. I’d bring him out of this coma and back to me.

My anxiety is getting the best of me, and I need to get up and move. I glanced at him one more time before walking out into the hallway. I occupy one of the chairs outside his room. After laying my head back against the wall, I shut my eyes. Any passerby would think I was resting and calm, but the clinching of my jaw would tell them otherwise. Within a few minutes, I couldn’t bear to be away from him any longer, so I went back inside and stood next to his bed. I speak to him again. Even though I know he can’t see me, it feels easier to speak my truth without facing him, so I turn my back.

“Starsk,” I began. “I need to tell you something. I need you to know that… I love you… no. I’m in love with you. I know we love each other, but my love for you goes way beyond that kind of love. The love I felt has now changed. It’s changed into… desire. I want you, Starsk. I want you… body and soul. I want you the way a man wants a woman. I want that beautiful, sexy body of yours. I want to feel it pressing against mine. I want our lips to meet in a bruising kiss. I want…”

I glanced back to see if my declaration had any effect, but still nothing. Turning away again, I continue, “I know you probably find this shocking, maybe even disgusting. Your male partner and best friend, declaring his love and lusting after you, but I couldn’t have you leave me without letting you know that. With that said, Starsk, please don’t leave me. I need you. I need you in my life, and I don’t think I can or want to go on without you.”

Once more, I turned around, and when I laid my eyes on him, his indigo eyes were looking back at me. “Starsky?” I asked, astonished.

He blinked.

“Starsk, you’re awake!”

He blinks again.

I ran outside to the nurses station and shouted, “He’s awake! He’s awake!”

A nurse ran past me and hurried into Starsky’s room, with me hot on her heels. She saw that her patient’s eyes were truly open. Another nurse came in, and I was so excited that I picked her up and swung her around, continuing to shout, “He’s awake! He’s awake!”

Soon, most of the hospital staff were looking through the observation window to see the cop who’d come out of his coma. I saw him watching all the excitement with a small, amused smile on his handsome face. I can’t tell you how relieved and happy I was. My buddy’s back, and then the realization suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks.

What if he actually heard all those things I said? Heard me declare my love for him.

Starsky was in a coma for a few weeks. His doctor said he didn’t suffer brain damage, and his memory seemed intact, although the actual day of the shooting was fuzzy. I had to fill him in on everything. I’ve been at his bedside most of the time. The only time I left was to bring down Gunther.

They released him into my care two months later, but this time his recovery would be more extensive. He would need round-the-clock care. I stayed with him in his apartment for the duration, and it wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be. My dark-haired partner could be quite stubborn when he wanted to be. He would insist on doing things himself, even though it was apparent he couldn’t, but this time was different. He let me help him without complaining or fighting. When I washed him in the shower and got to his genitals, he’d lean against the wall and let me, which surprised me. He had the same reaction as the last time, and so did I, but this time he didn’t seem embarrassed. He just watched me with an expression that can only be described as…loving desire.

After I got him into bed, I put on my pajama bottoms, then padded barefoot into his kitchen to get a beer from the fridge. I wandered into the living room and sat on the couch with my head against the back and my eyes closed. I thought about Starsky’s unperturbed reaction and the look on his face in the shower. I wondered if he heard my declaration while in the coma. There was something different about the way he was around me. I kept catching him looking at me with a knowing smile.

I went to his bedroom and leaned against the door frame, watching him sleep. A smile appeared on my face, and a feeling of well-being came over me as I observed him in slumber. I’m glad to know he’s actually sleeping this time. As if aware of my presence, he stirred and turned toward me.

“Hey. Did my being here wake you?” I step into the room.

He sat up with some difficulty, so I moved quickly to help him lay back against the headboard on a pillow. “I sensed you were here, but I wasn’t sleeping. I was thinkin’.”

“About what?” I asked, sitting in a chair next to his bed.

His blue eyes sparkled as he replied, “Us.”

My eyes widened, and I swallowed hard. “Us?”

“Yeah.” He watched me for a while before continuing, “I heard you. I heard every word you said.”

Despite my frantic urge to run, I managed to stay in the room. When I looked at him, he was smiling—a warm, loving smile. Then he beckoned me with a finger and patted the bed. I got up from the chair and sat cautiously at the foot.

“Come closer. I won’t bite… unless you want me to.” He grinned.

Now my heart was pounding. Did he flirt with me? He extended his hand, and I grasped it. He carefully moved over so I could lay next to him, and I did.

Oh God, I’m in bed with Starsky—my beautiful, curly-haired, sexy partner.

“I wondered if you were ever gonna bring it up. I wanted to, but I didn’t wanna freak you out. I knew you weren’t sure if I could hear you, but I did,” he told me.

We both turned to face each other, nose to nose. “So, what do you think about what I said?” I asked sheepishly.

“Here’s what I think,” he said, leaning in and kissing me.

The shock forced me to break the kiss and look into his face. I stared into his cobalt eyes, searching to make sure what just happened was real. He nodded and gave me a sweet smile to confirm it. I leaned in and kissed him tentatively at first, but soon the kiss became all-consuming. Afterwards, he touched my face.

“I’m in love with you too, you big blond beauty. I think I have been for some time now. When we first met, I thought you were the most beautiful man I’d ever seen. And like you, the feelings happened gradually. It started out as loving you as a friend. Having a deep connection, then it changed. I believe it really began when you were there with me through every step of my recovery. You were so caring and patient with me. It touched my heart to know that someone cared for me that much. Soon, the love I already felt for you turned into somethin’ more. You were the first man I felt like this about, but I knew I could never tell you. Then what happened in the shower made it real. I saw how it affected you too, and I knew there was no goin back for either of us.”

His words warmed my heart and touched my soul. “I didn’t know if you would ever wake up, and even though I wasn’t sure if you could hear me, I had to let you know. I had to say it out loud.”

“I’m glad you did, because who knows how long this would have taken?” He slid two fingers along my lower lip, then inserted them into my mouth. I sucked tenderly, imagining it was his cock.

“Ya know, as soon as I’m fully recovered,” he said. “I’m gonna show ya just how much I love you.” He removed his fingers and replaced them with his lips. He kissed me again, but this time it was hungry, our tongues battled for supremacy.

I want to ravish him, but I know I can’t. He still needs time to heal, but I want to let him know as well. No, I need to show him, so I have to come up with a way to do it. Suddenly, a thought emerged, and I sat up, looking into his indigo eyes.

“The doctor said if you’re feeling up to it, you can do some light activity. I know we can’t do much, but we can still do something. I want to show you how much I love you… right now. You’ve been through a lot, and I want to give you some pleasure if you’ll let me.” I cupped his face in my hands and gazed deep into his dark blue eyes.

He smiled. “Sure. I’d like that.”

I eagerly slid out of bed and helped him lay on his back. I put a pillow under his head, then pulled the blanket and top sheet off him.

“Do you have any lotion or oil?” I asked glancing around.

“Yeah, there’s lotion on the dresser,” he replied.

I got it, poured some into my palm, then rubbed my hands together.

“Have you done this before?” My dark-haired partner asked, his voice husky with arousal.

“No, but I know what I like.” I tugged his pajama bottoms down to his knees, exposing his cock and balls. Before continuing, I needed to stop and take him in. His dick is already erect, lying against his flat belly. His balls, nestled in dark, curly pubic hair. My eyes moved to his face, and he blushed under my scrutiny.

“You are so damn beautiful and sexy as hell. I’m gonna make you feel so good.”

We exchanged looks, then I gently grasped his cock. I slowly licked the head and swirled my tongue around the crown. He’s watching me with heavy eyelids as I take the bulbous head into my mouth. As my mouth moved further down his length, he groaned loudly. I stopped and glanced up at him.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine; it just felt really good,” he said shyly.

“Okay. Now I want you to tell me if you’re in any pain or discomfort.”

The corners of his mouth turned up, and his eyes brightened. I gave him a bright smile of my own and returned to gratifying him. I continued to suck and lick the tip, tasting his salty essence. I devoured the entire phallus and moved up and down in a fast rhythm. Soon, Starsky’s hips rose off the bed as he trusted between my lips.

“Take it easy, babe. I know you want to rush this and come as soon as possible, but we gotta take it slow. I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

“I’ll… try, but your… mouth is amazing,” he admitted, panting.

I smiled and grasped his ball sac firmly with one hand, and the head of his penis with the other.

Starsky closed his eyes tightly, biting his lower lip. He has fists full of sheets in each hand, and I can tell he’s quickly approaching his release.

“Oh God, Hutch! I’m gonna come!”

“Come for me, babe,” I said, stroking him faster.

Moments later, his cock erupts, shooting warm semen into the air. I managed to catch most of it in my mouth. Then I sat back and watched his depleted organ fall limply between his thighs. As I licked his essence from my lips, I noticed that his eyes are still closed and he’s breathing heavily.

“Are you okay?” I asked, somewhat anxiously.

When his eyes opened, he gave me a crooked smile.

“I’m terrific. Hutch, that was amazing, and you said that was your first-time sucking cock?” He asked, lifting his hips to pull up his pajamas.

“Yeah,” I admitted, feeling embarrassed.

“Very impressive. Now I know what the future holds,” he told me, propping himself up on his elbows.

“Future?” I asked hoping I heard him say that.

“Yeah, future. After all the time we’ve wasted being afraid to speak the truth about our feelings, do you think this is gonna end anytime soon? We got a lot to make up for, Blondie,” he said, lying on the pillow with his hands behind his head, beaming.

Suddenly, I felt really warm, so I took off my long-sleeve plaid shirt, leaving on the green T-shirt I wore underneath.

“Keep goin’,” Starsky coaxed, with a devilish glint in his eye.

I looked at him wide-eyed with a puzzled expression.

“Come on, Blintz, show me your stuff.”

I blow out a breath to try to calm myself. I’ve never stripped for anyone before. I dragged my shirt over my head and threw it on the chair. I glanced at him, and he made a motion with his hand for me to keep going, so I toed off my shoes, then unbuckled my belt, zipped down the fly, and removed my pants. Now I’m standing in front of him in my boxers and socks. When I looked at him, his eyes were on my socks, so I pulled them off. Before I removed my last stitch of clothing, I locked eyes with him, and he gave me a smile and a nod, so I pushed my boxers down my legs and stepped out of them.

Immediately, his cobalt blue eyes washed over my naked body, making my cock twitch from his hungry gaze.

“You’re a golden-haired Greek god with a magnificent cock.”

I was chagrined, feeling heat engulf my face from the compliment.

“I wanna join the party,” he said, removing his pajama bottoms with some difficulty, so I helped him. Now the two of us are naked and ogling one another.

“C’mere and lay down with me,” he said, reaching out.

I padded closer to the bed and grasped his hand, then I knelt on the mattress and crawled toward him. He held up the blanket for me to get under, and once I did, he covered us both. The warmth from skin to skin was arousing and exhilarating. I bent to lay my head on his chest, careful not to irritate his wounds, and he wrapped his arms around me. I listened to his beating heart, remembering when I heard his life pulse from the beeping of a monitor. At the time, I prayed that the sound would never stop, and now I never want to hear it again.

His hands are in my hair, petting me like a contented feline, and I’m close to purring. Suddenly, my stomach lurched as panic swept through me, thinking about what I would have lost if the man beneath me had faded away forever.

“Starsk, promise me you’ll never go away again,” I whispered.

“I ain’t goin nowhere, Blondie. I’m yours for life,” he said, kissing the top of my head.

“And I’m yours, Gordo,” I told him, kissing the healing wounds on his chest and holding on to him, never wanting to ever let go.

The End