When Hutch wants to do something special for Starsky as he gets ready to come back to the streets, Hutch goes to see Sugar for advice…..
Response to Sue’s ‘Dress Hutch’ challenge.
1980
Starsky had a special birthday coming up. It was special because for a while, no one was sure if he’d ever have another birthday.
So Hutch wanted to do something special. Not just the usual surprise party or dinner. Something that would mean something to Starsky while still making him laugh.
That’s why he was here to see Sugar. Here, being the ‘Green Parrot.’
Hutch was hoping Sugar could set him up in a dress.
Just as busy as the last time they were there, the place didn’t appear to have changed much, though the people in it did. The bartender wasn’t someone Hutch recognized, but Nick was still hanging out (and probably still ripping people off), and he vouched for Hutch and reminded him how to reach Sugar’s dressing room.
*****
The beads were still hanging in the doorway to the dressing rooms, but now Sugar’s name was on one of the doors as well. When she heard the knock, the female impersonator answered the knock without questioning who was there.
A tall, handsome real man stood in her doorway. She squealed, “Oooh, Barbara Eden did make my wish come true!”
“Coming up in the world?” Detective Hutchinson indicated the star on her door.
Sugar answered slyly, “Now that you’re here, I am, honey.”
Not unfamiliar with her style of banter, Hutch smiled bashfully. “Hello, Sugar. Can I come in?”
Willing to let Detective Hutchinson off the hook for now, the performer asked Hutch what brought him down to her neck of the woods. “Unless you’ve come to visit the other side of the street.” Okay, not that willing.
“Got a few minutes, Sugar. I need a favor.”
“Oooh…. I’ll give you a favor. I’ll make time for it, handsome!”
Blushing more, Hutch answered, “Calm down, Sugar. Not that kind of favor.”
“Too bad. I’ll bet you blush all over.” The drag queen could do this all day, she’d been an expert at innuendo and barbed lines for years; it was part of the drag queen lifestyle.
“Listen, Sugar, I’m looking to surprise Starsky. I’d like you to help me dress like you do, as a female impersonator.”
Sugar blinked. Then blinked again. Make this very masculine man into a female? “You? With your broad shoulders and chest, muscular legs, and big hands into a woman? Your partner, possibly. He’s really built to be a beautiful drag queen with a figure both the men and women will go for.
But I like a challenge. You do have beautiful hair and an angel face. We’ll start there; learning poise and mannerisms, and worry about the rest later.”
Hutch was confused, “Poise and mannerisms? It’s just a one-shot thing. I’m not planning a new career.”
Chuckling, Sugar was thankful. “And Thank God you’re not. You’d put me out of business, big boy.
She pulled out her Mae West voice, “So when do you want to come up and see me some time? Right now, my audience needs me. “
“When? It has to be before the following to next Saturday. That’s the day of Starsky’s surprise ‘Happy Life-Day’ party – as we’re calling it.”
That reminder sobered Sugar up. It wasn’t anything many of his friends hadn’t been through, down the years. Being singled out for violence, attacked for who you were or what you did… and if the rumor through the bar racket were true – i.e. Huggy – then the two detectives had even doubly more to be persecuted for – and to celebrate.
“Today’s Thursday. Are you working on Saturday or Sunday during the day?”
“How about tomorrow during the day? Starsky and I are off, since we’re working the weekend day shift. I don’t want to wait until after Monday since the party’s in a two weeks, and I know it’s going to take all that time to come up with something that’ll fit me.”
“But not too early. I need my beauty sleep. You don’t get this beautiful keeping late hours, drinking alcohol and smoking!”
Hutch laughed as he opened the door, “But Sugar you work late hours, keep that sexy voice by smoking, and appear every night onstage with a cocktail!”
“I know! Like I said…” she answered impishly.
*****
“So, where you off to, Hutch?” Starsky was suspicious. It seemed now that he was just about back on full duty, Hutch was off running somewhere all the time, rather than doing things together.
Like things related to their new relationship.
“It seems like you don’t wanna spend time with me anymore.” Maybe a good old Starsky pout would work. They worked in the past; and he wasn’t opposed to using the shooting for leverage, either.
“I guess I’m not the same guy since the shooting.”
“Starsk. It’s Friday morning, we have the day off, and I’ve just got things to do.”
“Like what?”
“Like personal business I’ve let slide while I was taking care of you.”
Starsky now felt low. “So, it is my fault, then. That you don’t want to spend any time with me.”
He could tell by Hutch’s expression that now his friend felt guilty. Hutch hurried over to the couch and touched his shoulder reassuringly.
“No, Starsky. I don’t blame you. I wanted to be there for you. I could’ve hired someone, but you know I needed to be with you.”
“So why can’t you do this ‘business’ while I’m at counseling or doing my own stuff?” The pout obviously wasn’t working. A thought dawned on him; maybe it was something else.
“It is us?” He asked apprehensively. “Are you avoiding me because you don’t want to have that talk we’ve been meaning to have? About us? Where we’re going with this?”
Hutch kissed him lightly on the lips, and then the top of his head. “Starsk. I’m sorry if I made you think that. I love you. Nothing has – or will – change that. This is just some personal business I want to take care of while I can. We’ll have that talk this weekend.”
“Hutch, we’re working most of the weekend. We agreed not to talk about us while working.”
“Okay, then Tuesday, when we’re off. I promise.” Hutch kissed him again on the top of his head. “I have to run. I’ll be back later, with dinner. Chinese? Or greasy burgers?”
“Greasy burgers I guess.” He pointed at his friend. “No tuna burger this time! You keep trying to pull that one on me, and I can tell the difference. I want beef. Real beef.”
Hutch laughed and closed the door behind him as he left.
“What about talking tonight?” Starsky mumbled at the closed door.
*****
Hutch arrived at Sugar’s apartment around 11:30 that morning.
The female impersonator was in his male garb, and the dichotomy of seeing Sugar dressed as a man, always struck Hutch. Though he’d seen him dressed as a man before, most often he only dealt with Sugar in drag.
“Okay, I’m here, Sugar. What do we need to do.”
Sugar eyed Hutch up and down making him feel naked. So it surprised him when the drag queen told him to strip.
He laughed at Hutch’s surprise. “Not completely. You can keep your undergarments on.”
“I’m going to take your measurements, not jump your bones. As much as I’d love to, with those arms you’d break me like a twig if I tried anything, and then where would my career be? Unless you want to nurse me back to health?”
With the way Sugar was looking at him, Hutch wasn’t sure if this was the right decision.
“You can change in there. Then meet me in the spare bedroom to the right. I use it for all my gowns and costumes.”
“Oh.” Hutch felt foolish. After disrobing in the restroom, and feeling even more foolish, Hutch met Sugar in the spare room. He raised his arms and turned in a good natured manner.
“We drag queens have had to learn to sew our own clothes, since no manufacturer makes them in our sizes and very few tailors are willing to work with us.”
That seemed sad to Hutch. That someone would turn down business just because a potential client was ‘different’ from them. I wonder when if we’ll run into that someday.
As if to read his mind, Sugar answered put her hand on Hutch’s forearm. “We all see it at some point, Honey. People just don’t want our business. So we create our own businesses that cater to our people and we improvise everything else.” She finished with a flourish of her hands.
Then Sugar proceeded to take Hutch’s measurements, “Inseam, 34; waist, 32 – very nice”, and continued with neck 17, chest 42, biceps 10**”.
Hutch tried making small talk to allay his awkwardness, but was “shushed”, so not to get the measurements wrong.
“Well, if I was re-making Michelangelo’s ‘David’, you’re partner isn’t the only model I’d go with.”
Again, Hutch blushed in embarrassment. Sugar seemed to make him blush constantly.
“And I’d make him in color, using a shade of pink, just so, for his lovely…skin tone.”
Now Hutch was mortified, but more than that, he felt he needed to set Sugar straight – so to speak.
But just as he opened his mouth, Sugar laughed out loud. “Honey, you really need to learn how to deliver – and more important how to take – trash talk. It’s a time-honored tradition in the drag world.”
“I’m not trying to be a drag queen. I just want to make this special for Starsky. I have no intention of performing in front of anyone, now, then or at any time in the future. Especially dressed as a female.”
“Oh, but you have to! I’ve heard you sing, Detective. You simply must perform for Starsky at his party. You can do it seriously or as a joke, but it would just be the hit of the party to see such a deep voice coming out of such a beautiful woman!
“We’ll put you in black or deep green, make you a high society lady. You’ll need a loose skirt to hide all that. I don’t think we can tuck it all up.”
“Tucking?” Hutch wasn’t sure what she was talking about, but then when Sugar whispered something crude in his ears, Hutch began to get distressed. “Oh no… I don’t think so, Sugar. This… this was a mistake.”
Ignoring his upset, Sugar ruffled the back of Hutch’s head. “Hmmmm… I wouldn’t want to hide this gorgeous head with a wig. Since it’s longer than usual, maybe we can curl it or do something with it as is.”
“I think I’ve created a monster.”
Chuckling, Sugar told Hutch to re-dress and left him to his privacy.
When done, he saw Sugar standing at the door. “Now, I’ve got just tons to do. So leave it to me to whip you up something special, but with class.”
“Um… I’d like to see it before next Saturday.”
“Oh, absolutely! We’ll need to do a fitting just to make sure it’s right. Wouldn’t want you ripping the costume and popping out all over,” Sugar leered. “Or maybe we would.” She winked as Hutch left, leaving him in discomfiture.
*****
The day of Starsky’s party arrived with much trepidation from Hutch. The party was being held at The Pits, which was closed. Hutch arrived early to help out Huggy.
“How you gettin’ my man here, oh Blond One?”
“Had Dobey cover for me, on a case that I handled while he was on leave. Told Starsky to meet me here after. I’m to call him when I’m ‘leaving work’. He knows I want to take him out to dinner to celebrate his coming back to full duty.”
“So Mr. Miracle isn’t expecting Captain-ess America?”
Hutch blushed, “That’s my idea. Actually no one knows except you and Sugar.”
“Well, if we do have to envisage your legs in stockings – and trust me that was a phrase I’d never thought I’d bespeak in regards to yourself – at least we get entertainment for the evening.”
If possible, Hutch blushed more. “That was Sugar’s idea. Somehow she convinced me, and I’m still not sure how.” They were speaking of Hutch’s singing in order to provide them with some good old-fashioned female impersonation entertainment. Though Hutch really had more of an idea to play it like a joke, rather than sing seriously.
“You do realize, that after tonight, some peoples’ gonna get the wrong – or maybe I should say right – idea? Ain’t no living it down, après tonight.”
Now Hutch was beet red. “Well, it’s nothing we haven’t heard before. We’ve survived it in the past, we can survive it going forward. Besides it’s a private party and only a couple of cops are invited or even know about it. Thank God the Dobey’s couldn’t make it.”
“You shouldn’t just be sittin’ like an ostrich sayin’, ‘oh well, that’s just the way it is, and there’s nothing we can do about it.’”
“I’m glad you’re so damned concerned over our love life, Huggy.”
“Hey, my good man, don’t cop that ‘tude with me. I know it’s hard for you guys. Remember, I’ve been there with you.” Huggy pointed to himself.
Immediately Hutch was contrite. “I’m sorry, Hug. I know you’ve stood by us, helped us out through some tough times and even tougher cases.” He had the grace to look sheepish. “I guess I’m just nervous about tonight. I’ve never done anything remotely like this.”
“I didn’t take it personally. I’m well aware enough that your ‘tude was hiding a definite lack of the ego re: the situation. Just wanted to remind you to whom you are speaking.” Huggy could be very formal when he wanted to get a point across.
“But as the curtain is about to rise, may I suggest you make yourself skedaddle to get dressed. Or undressed.”
“No, Hutch will be making an appearance and then disappear, only to have Sugar Snatch show up in his place.”
Huggy’s eyes got wide. “Sugar Snatch?! Should I even ask?”
He might as well be an American Indian, since red was apparently going to be his permanent color, Hutch thought. “Sugar gave it to me. She said that as my drag mother, she had to contribute to my name.”
“Drag mother?” Huggy eyed him warily. “Hutch, I think I’m starting to get a bit worried.”
Rolling his eyes as he remembered what Sugar said, Hutch explained that the former suggested that he do it right, as much as possible.
*****
It was almost approaching 7 pm, and Starsky was getting antsy, even though he knew firsthand that you could rarely set civil servant work by set hours. It was just that when Hutch went did police work alone, it was only natural that Starsky worry. Especially now that losing Hutch meant more than just losing a best friend and better work partner.
As he reached for the phone on the end table – and pulled his hand back – for the fifth time in half an hour, it rang. “Yeah, Hutch?”
Relief was evident in his voice and, he was sure, on his face, when his partner answered affirmatively and told him they were just wrapping up at the precinct and that he’d meet Starsky down at Huggy’s in about 20 minutes.
“Great, I’m hungry. I miss you. I was getting worried. And I’m still hungry.”
The laughter that rang out from the earpiece was tinged with… caution? Maybe it’s the tinny-ness of the handset. But Starsky didn’t dwell on it, and hung up with ‘see you in a fews’. He was ready to go, just grabbed his jacket, checked his pockets for the keys, and bounded down the stairs to meet his lover for a celebratory dinner.
When Starsky walked in the bar not too long after, he was greeted with greetings of ‘congratulations’ and ‘good wishes’. There leaning against the counter beaming with pride and blushing in love, was the culprit – Hutch.
Kissing his lover in his mind and heart, if not in public, Starsky admonished Hutch. “You know, I was expecting something like this.” Turning to the barkeep, Starsky said, “and doesn’t it surprise me that you’re involved too, Hug?” Putting his hand out to shake Huggy’s, he said. “Thanks. For all the help you’ve been and everything else.”
“Is that why you don’t appear surprised, then?” Asked a slightly disappointed Hutch.
“Of course. You can’t get anything past me, ya big dummy. Beside, you like to indulge me and you know I love parties.”
Raising his eyebrows at Starsky’s impertinence as he walked away, Huggy remarked, “Oh, you will be!”
“I will be what? What’s Huggy talking about?”
“Oh, nothing. You know Huggy.” It seemed to him like Hutch was lying. But he let it go until Sugar came up behind him and kissed his ear.
“I think Huggy means, surprised, sweet cakes.”
“Why? There’s more?”
“Oh, there’s always room for more.” Looking down briefly, she made another observation, “except maybe in those pants of yours.”
Both Hutch and Sugar laughed at the ruddy blush that covered Starsky’s face. While Starsky closed his eyes briefly to calm himself, Sugar indicated with a toss of her head, that Hutch should start getting ready.
To keep the honoree busy and distracted, Sugar kept zinging one liners at him. Starskky looked around for help and/or rescue, whichever came first, but saw that Hutch had moved away and was now talking with other friends.
He tried to extricate himself from Sugar’s grasp, but the flamboyant star grasped his arm and held him in place for several more moments.
Eventually Sugar flitted away to gossip with others and taste Huggy’s delicacies, and Starsky found himself in constant attendance of friends, but only Minnie, Cheryl, Linda and Ginnie from the force were there. Surprisingly, Captain Dobey didn’t seem to be making an appearance. Starsky thought it strange that more cops weren’t at the celebration.
But then his thoughts were disrupted by Huggy and a bar tender bringing out a microphone, speaker, and a stool. Then they placed a guitar on the stool, which Starsky stared at. That looks like Hutch’s guitar.
Suddenly realizing that his partner hadn’t been hovering and hanging around him, Starsky looked around and found that Hutch wasn’t to be seen.
“Ladies and Gents! For your consideration, I would like to introduce someone who came out – literally & figuratively – to entertain us. Seeing as this is her first time performing, I hope that you give her plenty of praise so that she may come out more often!”
Her? She? Well, that rules out Hutch, but I’m sure that’s his guitar. Maybe it’s someone he’s been mentoring. Starsky looked quickly and saw that Molly was in the audience, so it couldn’t be her.
“Appearing for the first – and hopefully not last – time, I give you…. Miss Sugar Snatch!”
Out from the kitchen came a tall blonde who looked decidedly familiar, except for one thing – she was decidedly female. Or at least dressed like it! What the hell?!
Starsky stared at Hutch as he started at the top, categorizing and trying to take in the sight of Hutch in drag. His lover’s hair had been styled a la Farrah Fawcett Majors, though thinner and shorter. He wore a lot of eye make-up which made them sharper blue – like the ice. Big, round fake pearls on his ear lobes, to match the necklace hanging around a long sleeve black blouse that billowed out slightly on the forearm before tapering at the wrist. There appeared to be a pink top or bra beneath the very low cut blouse – and he had what looked like breasts! The blouse was tucked into a light pink skirt that fell to his ankles, and on Hutch’s feet… high heels! Pink Candies that strapped around Hutch’s ankle and criss-crossed the top of his foot. Bright pink Candies that matched his lips! Oh My God, is that what he’s been doing all those times he disappeared?!
Just then Sugar came up to stand with Starsky, as he watched his lover stumble trying to crack jokes and, blushing furiously.
“I think your partner needs some Aloe Vera. He’s been pink for the past few weeks, and I think it’s becoming permanent.”
Starsky turned to his companion, “Sugar, what the hell did you do to him?!”
“Don’t get your pants in bunch, hot stuff.” Sugar’s eyes narrowed in resentment. “This was his idea. He’s a big boy – and may I say how lucky you are – he doesn’t need any advice or ideas from me.”
In front of the bar as Hutch made a few off color jokes to get the audience warmed up, he picked up his guitar. He looked straight at Starsky when he said he was dedicating “this song – the only one Sugar Snatch will ever do – to his best friend and partner. The one person who stood by me during all my trials, and let me do the same during his.”
And then he – she? What is Hutch? Sugar’s easy. He’s girly even as a man – began to sing in his Hutch voice.
Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman,
Giving all your love to just one man.
You’ll have bad times,
And he’ll have good times.
Doing things you just don’t understand.
Stand by your man,
Give him two arms to cling to.
And something warm to come to
When the nights are cold and lonely.
Stand by your man,
And tell the world that you love him.
Giving all the love you can,
Stand by your man.
‘Stand By Your Man’ by Tammy Wynette
Closing his eyes, seemed to be the only way Hutch could get through the song, at least at first, but then the small crowd began joining in for the refrain.
By the last refrain, Hutch was singing in a decidedly campy, high-pitched voice.
Afterward, Hutch put down the guitar and walked, unsteadily, over to Starsky.
*****
As Hutch wound down the song, he looked out to catch his lover’s eyes and didn’t break his gaze. He was surprised at all the enthusiasm and commotion at his appearance, and his choice of song. I really thought they’d laugh at me.
Afterward, the applause was raucous, yet supportive. He put his guitar over and warily made his way to Starsky, who grabbed him by the face, pulled him down and kissed his lips. Which grew the applause louder.
When Starsky let him go, he remarked, “it’s a good thing I didn’t invite the Dobey’s did come!”
With a deepening twinkle that signified lust, in Starsky’s eyes, his lover remarked, “Yeah, but I think I’m gonna, just looking at you, babe.”
Starsky then chuckled at Hutch’s still bright flush. “I wondered why I didn’t see him at first, but yeah, it’s probably not a bad idea, considering your attire for the evening.”
Hutch’s eyebrows flew up. “If you think I’m going to continue to wear this get up, then I think you need to go back into the hospital. Because I am on my way to change. I do not know how women walk around in these things all day. Not to mention my chest feels constricted and tight with this tube top!”
“Oh, I thought it was a pink bra.” Starsky leaned in closer, “Is that how you got such luscious boobs?”
As Hutch saw his hand sneaking out to cop a feel, he smacked it. “Don’t mess up my blouse. Do you know how hard it is to keep this tucked in without a belt?”
Starsky chuckled. “You should hear yourself, Blintz? Or should I call you ‘Snatch’ now, for short?”
Seeing Hutch’s flaring nostrils, Starsky continued, “Don’t get your bra all twisted. Do you really think I would do that to you?”
“In a heartbeat.” He harrumphed.
“Before, probably. Now, nah. Well maybe only during sex.” Starsky joked.
“Starsky, I. Am. Not. A. Drag. Queen.” Hutch smacked his head and jostled his flouncy wig. “I’m sure to be asked when my next appearance is, or why I’m starting in the female impersonation business late? This was a one shot deal. I did it for fun for you. To make you laugh and have a good time.”
“I know you did and I appreciate it, big guy. You have nothing to prove though, Hutch. You’re all man – my man – and I never want you to pretend to be female again. I love you for the man you are.” Starsky smoothed down the front of Hutch’s black silk blouse. “Now let me straighten you up.”
“You’re going to find a way to feel me up, aren’t you?”
“You betch’a sweetheart. Now go get changed, so I can take you home and show you a good time.” And as he walked toward Huggy’s office, with a wink and a click of his tongue in appreciation, his lover swatted him on the backside, like Starsky’d do with any pretty female with a shapely derriere.
“Starsky!”
Chapter End Notes:
*True Story: I went to a website to “find your drag name” and entered Ken Hutchinson, and ‘Sugar Snatch’ is what spit out. It couldn’t have been more perfect, because the bit about Drag Mothers is somewhat true, though not written in stone. (i.e. legendary Cher performer Chad Michaels is Morgan McMichaels’ Drag Mother.)
Have any thoughts?
Share your reaction or leave a quick response — we’d love to hear what you think!
-
0
-
0
-
0
-
0
-
0
-
0
