Better Dead

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Hutch has been missing for nine months and only Starsky never gives up.

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Part One

Hutch was missing.

Missing, and presumed dead, for almost nine months now. Everyone had accepted it, even Hutch’s parents. But not Starsky. How could he? The cop in him saw no evidence, no body, no bits and pieces of Hutch’s equipment showing up down river, no irrefutable proof of anything except the calamity that had struck. Two bodies had been recovered and that gave Starsky hope that Hutch had managed to survive. Too many experts had prattled on at him with their statistics and charts and histories of similar events, proving that occasionally bodies weren’t discovered for years.

But still Starsky kept on. For he had something they didn’t have, something he couldn’t pull out of his pocket and lay on the table. Something ingrained so deep in him that he had no words for it. Huggy seemed to understand and did all in his power to support Starsky in his search.

Piles and piles of paper and maps accumulated in his home. Starsky, whether near or far, had checked out each incident of reported unidentified accident victims personally.

He had scrupulously traversed Hutch’s campsite in the Sierra Nevada’s, and surrounding trails. Ironically he was becoming quite the woodsman, something Hutch had been trying to instill in him for years. The Torino was left behind as a rented pickup was used to explore the small towns and ranches along the river’s track. Every hospital, medical clinic and doctor within a fifty-mile radius of either side of the river was visited.

And on June 2, 1981 Starsky found what he had been searching for. Dr. Arthur Little, long time resident of Parker Station and retired physician told him a story.

Parker Station was not even a dot on the map. It lay nestled in a long valley about ten miles east of the river, approached by a rarely used rutted road. Only the fact that he could see recent tire tracks led Starsky to it. The place itself consisted of five houses huddled together at the south end of the valley. One of the houses doubled as a kind of general store and enquiries there had led Starsky to Dr. Little who lived in a small four room cabin set in the woods a few miles from Parker Station.

An open gregarious man, he had invited Starsky in eagerly, sitting him down to coffee and food while listening intently to Starsky’s story. Afterwards he had sat back in his comfortable recliner and observed Starsky carefully.

“What is this man to you David? Why have you not accepted what everyone else has, that he is dead?”

Starsky paced in frustration. How could he verbalize what Hutch meant to him, what they meant to each other? Huggy had a gleaning, and maybe Dobey and his mother understood, but no one else even came close to accepting what they were together. If they did, they put their own interpretation on it.

“Dr. Little…” he started.

“Arthur, please.” The doctor said.

“Arthur. I don’t know if I can even begin to make you understand Hutch and me. We’re closer than brothers. From the moment we met we accepted each other, understood each other and loved each other. What we have is like those identical twins you read about. We feel each other’s pain; we anticipate what we each need. We move and think as one in our work, even in our play at times. Off duty or on we spend most of our time together and enjoy it. We’ve double dated together, vacationed together, cried and laughed together. And being without him has left a big hole in my life. I know. I feel inside that he’s alive but can’t prove it. If you know anything at all, will you help me?”

Night had fallen and Dr. Little proceeded to stoke the fire into a roaring blaze against the chill seeping in. He could feel the frustration, anguish and sincerity of the man with him, and after getting fresh coffee made his decision.

“David, sit down and I’ll tell you what I know.”

Starsky accepted the coffee and with it the overwhelming realization that his search was over. He prepared himself to listen and not let his impatience ruin his understanding. Dr. Little began his tale.

“Back in late September I got a call from Lily Marshall. She has a small spread south of here with a few horses, a BandB in season and an occasional program for kids. It seems she had stumbled across a badly injured man on the road into her place. And from the picture you showed, me I would say it’s your friend.”

Starsky couldn’t keep the joy and excitement off his face. He issued a deep sigh and collapsed back into the chair.

“But David, it’s not all good news. Your friend was unconscious and badly battered. He had broken ribs, one arm and a leg were broken, the leg very seriously, and had a large contusion on the side of his head. I honestly don’t know how he got as far as Lily’s place. He must have crawled for miles. His clothes were shredded and most of his one side scratched and scraped from the effort.

As you know, we’re miles from everything here and I didn’t want to move him further until he was stable enough to stand it. I didn’t feel he was in serious danger of dying, and Lily offered to let him stay until we could move him.

It was five days before he woke up, although he had been restless and mumbling incoherently before that. After he woke up it was another day before we could ask him anything. David, he couldn’t tell us anything about himself. The only thing he could remember was that his name was Ken, and that is true to this day.”

Starsky shot straight up on hearing that, shock freezing him in place.

“Oh god,” he whispered. “He remembers nothing, not even me?”

“Lily has told me that he will occasionally start to say something like “wait ’til Starsky…” then goes quiet and retreats into himself. His bodily injuries have healed well, although he walks with a limp now. He wouldn’t let us move him to a hospital after he was stronger, except for X-rays.”

“No, he wouldn’t have,” said Starsky. “He’s seen enough of hospitals over the years and gets really stubborn about going.”

“I guessed that from his various scars. Some of them were definitely bullet wounds.”

“Yeah,” said Starsky, “too many. What’s he doing now Arthur?”

“He’s still at Lily’s. He’s been a real help to her and they’ve really hit it off, maybe enough to get married, although it’s as if he can’t take that final step. He’s worked hard at getting her place in shape, refusing any pay for it, saying it’s in payment for his care and bed and board. Except for his leg, he’s in excellent shape.”

Starsky was up and pacing.

“What do I do now Arthur? I want to see him so bad, but what will it do to him? Will his memory ever return? If he sees me, will it cause him harm?”

“David, I don’t know about his memory. For a long time he was depressed, irritable and reclusive, not letting anyone near him. He would disappear for days into the mountains. He refused to see a professional so there was nothing I could do but assure him that with time he might remember. You could consult a specialist yourself. I could give you all my records to take with you.”

“What do you honestly think, Arthur?”

Starsky liked this man. Could see that he was compassionate and caring. And, he had been treating Hutch for months now.

“David, right now he’s happy and content. He seems to have come to terms with his memory loss, and is making a new life for himself. He’s Ken Parker, and…”

At Starsky’s startled look, Dr. Little responded with a chuckle.

“Yes, we came up with the name Parker for him. You can guess why. What seeing you would do I really don’t know. It may bring back his full memory or it may just trouble him more, confronting his ghost image and not being able to connect it to a past. Even if the worst happens, and he can’t remember, from what you’ve told me of your relationship though it just may comfort him to have you there, so he can go on with his life. I really don’t know what to advise you David.”

It was very late at this point. Dr. Little left Starsky sitting by the fire and went to bed.

Starsky could barely keep track of the thoughts whirling through his mind. He had found Hutch, but not the Hutch he knew.

What was the right thing to do? His last thought as he finally drifted off to sleep was that if Hutch’s memory loss was permanent and he was happy now, maybe he was better off dead.

 

Part Two

It must have been his awkward sleeping position that woke Starsky several hours later. A small moan escaped him as he attempted to straighten and stand. Feeling slowly returning to his limbs, he stretched into a gut deep breath and made his way to a window to see that dawn was lighting the eastern sky.

Dawn also slowly awoke his mind, and he hugged himself in the growing realization that Hutch was alive. Alive and close at hand, if he could only decide what he was to do about it.

Fear dwelt in the background of his thoughts, daring him to accept the reality of the worse case scenario. Tears momentarily blinded him as he thought of a life without Hutch in it. Could he walk away and leave Hutch to his current life if he remained a stranger to him?

Anger and disbelief stiffened his back. It wouldn’t, couldn’t happen! The gods wouldn’t be so cruel as to take from him another life that had so touched his own.

A plan, he needed a plan. Who to talk to, who to consult? Dr. Janice Ruth immediately came to mind. She had been his psychologist after Gunther, and had compassionately drawn him back from the edge of despair he had often perched on, re-awakening in him a belief in himself and his abilities. Even Hutch had liked her after attending a session with him.

It was way to early to call her, but he needed to talk right now to someone who understood and could comfort him until he had Hutch back. Huggy! He immediately searched out the phone and placed a time and charges call.

It was a very disgruntled Huggy who reluctantly answered his call, but perked up immediately after identifying the caller. Huggy’s whoop of joy and excitement at his news warmed his dejected spirit and he could barely contain his own bubbles of ecstatic energy that shot through him.

On hearing the rest of his news, Huggy immediately offered to join him and share the burden, but he realized that just might be overkill in dealing with an unknown. He and Huggy talked for a long time, Huggy doing his usual good job of recognizing what his friend needed.

He and Arthur spent several calming hours talking out the situation, with Arthur drawing out story after story of Starsky and Hutch, and offering what Starsky labelled as down home sympathy and common sense.

Dr. Little began to get a sense of the real emotion that hid behind Starsky’s concern and love for his friend, even if Starsky himself failed to recognize it. He readily agreed with Starsky’s need to talk with Dr. Ruth, and added he should also speak to Lily Marshall.

Starsky was hesitant to do that, his most obvious fear being that somehow she would keep Hutch from him, but he was understanding of the reasons Arthur put forward. She had feelings for Hutch too, and it was only fair that she was put in the picture whatever the outcome.

As the clock finally inched it’s way to the first wakeup-cup-of-coffee time, Starsky called Janice Ruth at the home number she had given him. Her normal, solid welcoming voice did a lot to calm Starsky’s nervousness, and after the pleasantries were out of the way, he was able to relate his story and questions in an almost professional way.

She offered an analysis that explained she thought Hutch was suffering from a form of traumatic amnesia, his injuries compounding the return of his memory, and the total dissimilarity of his current environment and the stress-free comfort was not forcing him to accept what was missing. She offered cautious optimism, and encouraged Starsky to confront Hutch in a quiet familiar place and to try and be relaxed and not expect miracles.

After conferring with Dr. Little, she hung up wishing Starsky well and offering her services if needed.

Arthur asked Starsky for privacy as he talked with Lily. Once again Starsky understood and took his nervous impatient self for a walk.

The two men approached Lily Marshall’s place in silence. Starsky had to admit it was a beautiful place: mountains in the background, large two story country home surrounded by out buildings, corrals and open fields. Horses could be seen in one of the far fields, and two mixed breed dogs offered a tail-wagging barking chorus of welcome. Hutch would love it.

A tall blonde woman dressed in work clothes stepped onto the front porch as they pulled the truck to a stop. She was a strong woman, Starsky thought, with a fresh country look to her, not exactly big-city beautiful, but with an aura of competence and practical sense.

She greeted Arthur warmly and turned to offer Starsky her hand accompanied with a skeptical hesitant emotions-under-control look.

“Mr. Starsky.”

Starsky accepted her hand and smiled as warmly as he could.

“Dave please, Miss Marshall. I appreciate your welcoming us under the circumstances. I can’t begin to tell you what it means to me to know that Hutch is alive and well. Arthur tells me that your care had a lot to do with that.”

“Thank you Dave,” Lily said, “please, come in. Ken is out in one of the backfields right now doing some repair work so we have time to talk.”

She led them through the house to a sunlit kitchen with coffee and muffins waiting on the large table.

After identifying Hutch’s picture, she proceeded to question Starsky on Ken’s background, growing more somber as they talked.

“Dave, I can’t lie to you. I love Ken, he’s come to mean a great deal to me, and I’m afraid to lose him. I can’t help but wish he didn’t get his memory back, although I realize that’s terribly unfair. I have lived with the fear for a long time now, not knowing what I would do if it happened.”

Starsky couldn’t help but respond to her fear and her caring.

“Lily I’m sorry. I know what it is to lose someone. I also know how strange and unusual this situation is, but I need to know if he remembers me, and our life. I love him too, as a brother and my best friend. He is important to me too.”

Lily returned the pressure of Starsky’s hand that covered hers, and issued a deep sigh, her voice quivering with tears.

“I know Dave, I can see that and I knew it would happen some day. I’m glad that we could talk rather than have Ken spring it on me without warning. Deep down I knew there was someone more important to him and I guess I’m not really surprised. I’m rather relieved in a way, I only want what’s best for him.”

If Starsky realized what she had said, he had no chance to question it, as at that moment Hutch walked in, talking as he entered.

“Lily, we’re going to have to keep an eye on that back fence and the stock, something’s been trying…” his voice trailed off as he noticed the visitors.

“Arthur,” he said, grasping the doctor’s hand, “what are you doing here?”

“Ken, nice to see you. You’re looking well.” Arthur replied. Then looking at Starsky and gesturing he said, “I’ve brought someone to meet you.”

At the sound of Hutch’s voice Starsky froze, unable to understand why his blood pressure rose dramatically at the same time he stopped breathing. At Arthur’s gesture he rose and turned to meet hutch. He couldn’t even imagine what he looked like, but knew he would appear a stranger even to himself. His voice was still frozen, and nothing would come out as he faced Hutch; so much for being relaxed and prepared.

Hutch turned naturally to greet Arthur’s friend, a welcoming smile on his face that slowly turned to confusion.

Lily sat, almost seeing her future slide away from her.

“I..I..,” Hutch stumbled. “I know you.”

Hutch stared at Starsky in bewilderment, his blue eyes lost in a desperate plea for recognition. He turned to Arthur and then to Lily, seeing in their faces an acknowledgement of his statement.

Starsky found a whisper of his voice.

“Hutch.”

At Starsky’s single word, Hutch turned back to him, shock of recognition distorting his face. Then he collapsed.

All three rushed to his side, Starsky and Lily giving way to Arthur, who after a brief examination stated that he had merely fainted. Starsky and Arthur carried him to his room, and after seeing Hutch comfortable Starsky left him in Arthur’s care, barely inches away from collapsing himself.

Lily had fresh coffee brewed and they each took a cup out to the back porch, each still wrapped in their own misery.

Lily knew Ken had remembered and been overwhelmed by it, thus closing her off from him. Strangely, she accepted it, almost thankful that her insecurity regarding Ken’s past was answered.

Starsky was left in a very unsettled state, accepting Arthur’s assurance that the shock to Hutch psyche had been too much, but still not knowing exactly how much Hutch remembered. He felt drained and lost.

“You love him, don’t you Dave?” Lily asked.

Starsky gave her a mild look of disbelief.

“Of course I do, he’s my best friend, closer to me than family,” Starsky replied.

“No Dave, I mean you’re “in love” with Ken,” Lily reiterated.

Starsky was speechless, struck dumb by her observation, and by the sudden recognition of the truth. Holy cow, and damn! Oh boy, now he knew what drove him, but what was he supposed to do about it?

Lily left him standing there, oblivious to everything but his suddenly up-side-down world. The truth worked its way through his body, leaving behind intense trails of liquid sunshine. He gloried in the sensations storming his senses, wanting to shout out to the world what his battered heart had been looking for so long.

When Arthur joined him sometime later he was still lost in reverie, but quickly returned to the present to ask after Hutch. Being assured he was fine, he returned to Hutch’s bedside. Arthur figured that Hutch was probably going to be out of it for sometime as his subconscious mind adjusted.

For the longest time Starsky just sat and watched his friend, completely devoid of emotion, reveling only in being with Hutch. Eventually he moved to sit on the bed, taking Hutch’s hand in his.

“Hutch, you don’t know how much finding you has meant to me. It was strange Hutch, but I just knew you were alive. I can’t explain it, but something inside me could hear you, whispering to me, driving me. Poor Dobey, he lost both of us when you went missing. I’ve kept your apartment and the jungle alive against everyone’s wishes, even your parents. I think they thought I was nuts and were just humouring me. Huggy was the only one who stuck with me. Now I think about it, he probably knew what I didn’t.”

Slowly raising their clasped hands, he turned Hutch’s and gently kissed the palm.

“Ah man Hutch, it hurt so much thinking I’d lost you, and my only hope is that you will wake up and be my Hutch again. I want that so bad. I want you back baby blue, want you so much.”

Lost in his feelings, Starsky raised shocked eyes at Hutch’s words.

“How bad, Starsk?”

Starsky just stared into those blue eyes that were clear of all confusion, then a stunning smile lit his face and his hands rose uncontrolled to cradle Hutch’s face gently. Words tumbled out.

“So bad that I’d do just about anything to be able to be with you, to love you, to watch over you and live and love with you.”

Tears streamed down Starsky’s face.

“I love you so much, Hutch that I just can’t find the words.”

Hutch took one of Starsky’s hands and gently returned the kiss Starsky had placed on his palm, inviting Starsky silently to show not tell.

In a gesture that bore all his heart and soul in it, Starsky slowly brought his lips to touch Hutch’s lightly, sealing his words forever between them. It was enough for now, and they relaxed into each other’s embrace and drifted off to sleep.

 

Epilogue:

Starsky couldn’t believe all the bureaucratic nonsense it took to prove that someone was actually alive. It was one of the most frustrating comic relief situations he had ever been in.

He and Hutch had stayed on in Parker Station with Dr. Little for a week, giving Hutch a chance to recover from the shock to his mind and soul, and to say goodbye to those who had cared enough to help. Lily said her goodbyes with regret but with an understanding and caring that helped Hutch deal with his guilt at deserting her.

At the moment they were still employed at the BCPD, but that was under review. Hutch’s leg prevented him from street work, so they tolerated desk duty and special PR assignments.

Hutch had seen a specialist about his leg, but the jury was still out on any hope of correcting the damage. But that was O.K. too, as they both were rethinking their priorities and changes might be coming.

Huggy had thrown one hell of a party to celebrate Hutch’s return, embarrassing Hutch no end. He had also privately congratulated the two on finally recognizing what he had known for years. They soundly beat him at pool as a punishment for his superior know-it-all attitude.

As for Starsky and Hutch, their acknowledged love for each other was consuming them. Their delight and joy in each other grew and grew, showing no signs of fading.

So begins the story.