Bread Therapy

Hutch makes some bread. After The Fix.

First published 2023.

“Mmmm.” Starsky couldn’t help salivating at the delicious smell of fresh baked bread that hit his nostrils as he walked up the stairs to Hutch’s apartment. It had been a few days since he’d gone back to his own home but he was still checking in regularly…or at least as regularly as he could get away with. It was tricky finding the right balance: he didn’t want Hutch to think that he thought he wasn’t safe to be left on his own; but he didn’t want him to think he didn’t care or wasn’t there if he were needed.

Starsky sighed as he reached up to the lintel for the spare key. Life had got complicated in a way he had never dreamed possible. They faced danger every day. They lived with the knowledge that they could get shot at or assaulted trying to quell a perp but what had been done to Hutch was something that Starsky would never have thought possible. He felt the anger rising in his chest again and did his best to tamp it down. Hutch was hyper sensitive to his moods so Starsky knew he had to hold it together for his partner’s sake.

As he opened the door, the smell of bread grew stronger. Clearly, Hutch had been baking. He followed the scent to the kitchen, where he spotted a golden brown, freshly rescued loaf sitting on the side.

Before he could give in to the temptation to break off a large chunk, Hutch appeared, waving a finger and saying, “Not yet, Gordo! It’s too hot. Give it a few minutes.”

Starsky scowled halfheartedly but pulled his hand back.

“The smell reminds me of Aunt Rosie’s kitchen on a Monday afternoon. She’d always bake a fresh loaf and let me have the crust.” He smacked his lips. “Delicious!”

“Have you ever made your own bread?” Hutch asked.

“Nah.”

“Want me to show you how?” Hutch offered quietly.

Starsky nodded.

“Take your jacket off and roll up your sleeves,” Hutch advised as he pulled packets of flour, yeast, salt and seeds from a kitchen cupboard.

Starsky noted that Hutch had his own long sleeves pulled down tight and understood that Hutch was avoiding seeing the smallest mark on his skin that might remind him of what he’d been through. He felt upset on his friend’s behalf.

A second later, Starsky realised Hutch was talking to him and made himself focus. In his ‘encouraging teacher’ mode, Hutch instructed Starsky on the amounts required of each ingredient and showed him how to mix the dough up with his hands.

“Now this is the fun part,” Hutch said.

A genuine, relaxed smile lit up his face and Starsky was happy to see it. Hutch sprinkled flour over the kitchen table and then slammed the dough down onto the surface and began kneading with gusto.

“It’s a good tension reliever,” Hutch observed.

“I can see that!” Starsky chuckled. “Looks like you’re pulverising someone.”

Hutch looked up, momentarily frozen. Then he nodded confirmation.

Starsky held his partner’s gaze and then nodded back. He didn’t have to ask who was being pulverised. He knew full well.

“Your turn,” Hutch said and stepped back to let Starsky take a turn at kneading.

It took a couple of attempts before Starsky got into the rhythm of it but soon he was kneading and stretching the bread with determination. His thoughts wandered as his hands worked. Flashes of last week’s hellish days and nights consumed him and he pounded the dough even harder.

Suddenly, he felt a gentle hand on the back of his neck, soothing him in a gesture of comfort and calm.

Hutch said softly, “I think you’ve pummelled the life out of that bit of dough…Feel better?”

Starsky looked sideways. “A little.”

Hutch patted his partner with an understanding look.

“Let’s get the dough in the oven. It’ll probably still turn out all right.”

They quickly placed the bread tin in the oven and tidied up. Then Hutch cut two thick slices of the now pleasantly warm bread and Starsky buttered them. They took the bread over to the couch and sat side by side as they ate.

“Well?”

Starsky smacked his lips. “Delicious.”

Hutch smiled. “Simple things bring the greatest comfort.”

“And joy.”

“Yeah…” Hutch looked uncertain for a moment.

Starsky spoke without speaking, his eyes assuring his partner: “You will feel joy again, Hutch. One day this nightmare will be forgotten and you will be whole and fully healed.”

Hutch allowed Starsky’s conviction to flow through him, filling every corner of his mind and heart. After a moment, he nodded, indicating his acceptance of that belief and that he knew without it being said that his partner would help him get to that place of peace and joy through his unconditional love and support.