Do I Dare?

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A first-time story. Hutch’s inability to admit his feelings for Starsky almost get Starsky killed. During his recovery, the two finally discuss their feelings — and Hutch is in for a surprise.

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As he waited to disembark from the plane, Ken Hutchinson did his best to hide his impatience at the waiting line. There was a time, he thought, when one flash of a badge would have me off here. Inwardly he gave a wistful sigh. The flash of a badge that no longer existed — at least in his mind.

He deliberately hadn’t told his partner when he would be returning. Hutch smiled sadly, remembering how often David Starsky had asked when they’d talked on the phone.

“Aw, c’mon Hutch, what’s the big secret?” Starsky had wheedled, using his best plaintive tone. “I know you’re not stayin’ up there forever, so why not just tell me when you’re comin’ home?”

“Because I won’t know until I get there.” They’d both known that was a lie. “Besides, you’ll probably be working. You know how I hate to fly at night.”

“Yeah, but you know the Cap’n. He’d gimme time to come ‘n pick you up.” Starsky had paused. “Unless you still don’t wanna see me. Like when you left.”

The hurt in Starsky’s voice had brought tears to Hutch’s eyes, choking his throat so he couldn’t immediately respond. Finally, he’d swallowed hard and forced himself to tell yet another lie.

“Don’t be an idiot,” he’d chided softly. “I’ll see you as soon as I can. I just — I’ll be back soon. Goodnight, Starsk.”

Hutch had been forced to hang up then, knowing his partner would hear the tears if he went on. He still had too much to mull over at that point, too much to decide. Less than 48 hours after that conversation, Hutch had been on a plane from Seattle, WA headed home to California.

A nudge in his back returned him to reality, and Hutch realized people were finally leaving the plane. Hitching up his shoulder bag, he blindly followed the woman ahead of him down the ramp. He was seeing nothing as he entered the concourse, his blond head lowered as he made his way inside.

“Well, it’s about time you got tired of all that space of yours.” The familiar voice sent Hutch’s head snapping up. “I was beginning to think you were gonna spend the whole summer there.”

“Starsky! Wh — what are you doing here?” For a rare change, Hutch was genuinely stunned. “How did you know — I didn’t tell anyone when I was coming home.”

“Hey, I figured you couldn’t hide out forever. I just had a friend watch the passenger lists.” Starsky’s blue eyes were sparkling as he dropped his arm around the blond’s shoulder. “So how WAS your vacation, anyhow?”

“Vacation? Oh, uh, fine. Great.” Hutch struggled to think past his partner’s presence and focus on his words. “And you?”

“Me?” Starsky shrugged. “Okay, I guess. Nothin’ big gone down. Tell ya the truth, I’ve been lonely. There’s nothin’ to do when you’re gone.”

“Oh, please!” Hutch gave a mock groan. “Like David Starsky has no friends? Go away.”

“No, really. I mean it.” Starsky paused to point toward the Emergency Only parking zone. “Figured I wouldn’t be long so I kinda stole a spot right here.”

Grimacing, Hutch wiped a hand over his eyes at the sight of the red and white Torino illegally parked, its red light whirling silently on the roof. Picking up his pace, he walked as quickly he could to the vehicle, tossing his bag in the rear seat and snatching the light off the roof at the same time. He refused to acknowledge his partner’s puzzled expression — Starsky never would understand why Hutch was annoyed by his blatant violation of the rules.

“Hey, what’s the big deal?” Starsky turned toward Hutch instead of starting the car. “I was only here for maybe five minutes, ten tops.”

“Just get us outa here, will ya, Starsky?” Hutch growled. “Now!”

Sinking down in the seat, Hutch deliberately closed his eyes, wishing he could buy back the preparation time he’d counted on when he got home. Though he was flattered by Starsky’s appearance at the airport, it also destroyed his carefully formulated plan. Now, instead of meeting his partner at Central Precinct the following morning, Starsky was here with him now. Hutch had no idea what to say or do next.

“Hey, blondie, you okay?” Starsky laid a hand on Hutch’s arm. “You look kinda, I dunno, sad? Did somethin’ bad happen up there in Seattle?”

“No, nothing. Not at all.” Hutch forced himself to sit up. “It was beautiful weather this time. Even warm.”

“That’s great. So what’s the matter? Didn’t you wanna come home?” Grinning, Starsky patted his partner’s arm. “Didn’t ya even miss my big baby blues?”

Oh God, Starsky, stop it! Hutch managed a grin as he screamed the words inside. “I really — nothing’s wrong, okay? I’m just tired, that’s all.”

“Well, you can have all the time to rest you want,” Starsky announced happily. “All of the next three days. When I found out you were comin’ in today, I convinced Cap’n Dobey to give us a three-day weekend. You’re officially off vacation but we both have till Monday mornin’ off work.”

“Monday?” Hutch repeated numbly. “Three day weekend? But — but I’ve been gone a week already. Are you sure?”

The whole afternoon was becoming Hutch’s worst nightmare. The last thing he wanted was three more days of hell. As he tuned in to what his partner was saying, he began to realize he wasn’t going to have any choice.

“Yep. No problem. He figured you’d want some time to just kick back when you got home. I convinced him I needed the extra day off too.”

“You could convince the sun to shine at midnight if you set your mind to it.” Hutch muttered the words under his breath. Aloud: “So what do you plan to do with yourself for three days?”

“What do I — ? Well, we got some catchin’ up to do — don’t we?” For the first time, there was hesitation in Starsky’s tone. “I mean, I thought you might tell me what you did all week up there all by yourself.”

“I — there’s nothing to tell.” Hutch kept his gaze directed at the road ahead. “I needed time to do some thinking. That’s all.”

“And did ya? Think, I mean?” He paused. “What about?”

Frustrated, Hutch released an audible sigh. “Just leave it alone, will ya? I just need to get home, okay? We can talk more — soon.”

Much to Hutch’s surprise, Starsky didn’t pursue the issue, and both were silent until they reached Venice Place. Starsky parked, reaching for Hutch’s arm before the blond could escape.

“I dunno what’s goin’ on in that blond brain of yours, but I know it’s got somethin’ to do with me.” Starsky spoke quietly, his sapphire eyes locked on Hutch’s face. “I’m not gonna push ya, but I wantcha to remember I’m here. Whatever’s happenin’ I wanna be there too, Hutch. Okay?”

He only met Starsky’s gaze for an instant, but even that was enough to fill Hutch’s eyes with tears. He felt Starsky’s tentative hand reach up to touch his face — in an instant he was outside the car, dragging his bag from the back seat.

“Thanks for the ride,” was all he could manage before he bolted for the safety of the house. He knew Starsky wouldn’t follow — and he was sure he wouldn’t hear from him again until Hutch called — or Monday whichever might come first.

*****

Little more than 24 hours later, however, everything in Hutch’s world changed. It was just after six on Friday evening when the ringing telephone jolted him from his reverie, and despite his hesitation he answered with a gruff “Hello.”

“Is this Detective Ken Hutchinson?” The formality in the woman’s voice sent a chill down Hutch’s spine. “This is City General Hospital.”

“Y-yes. This is Det. Hutchinson.” Unconsciously, he held his breath.

“I’m calling about a Det. David Starsky. You’re listed as his emergency contact. Is that correct?”

“Yes. Yes, what happened? Is he all right? What’s wrong?” Hutch closed his eyes, his hand tightly gripping the phone.

“He was involved in a hit and run accident,” the nurse explained. “Apparently he was crossing a street when he was hit. He was very lucky — he has several bruises and scrapes, but no broken bones. We really don’t need to admit him, but his information states he lives alone. We’d prefer someone stay with him for the next 24 hours so I was hoping you could provide us with the name of a relative we can contact so he can go home.”

“That’s me,” Hutch replied, breathing again at last. “I’m not a relative but we’re partners and — friends. Tell me when I can come and get him and I’ll be there.”

After receiving instructions on Starsky’s care and release location, Hutch raced out the door, grinning to himself at how his partner would hate riding home from the hospital in Hutch’s car. It was only then Hutch realized the nurse said Starsky had been hit by a car while walking — and Starsky almost never walked anywhere. Fleetingly Hutch wondered if his friend could have spent the past 24 hours as miserable as he had… he quickly dismissed the thought.

Far more familiar with the hospital emergency ward than he cared for, Hutch knew the routine well. He quickly signed Starsky’s release forms, received his pain medication, then was left to pace the waiting room. It seemed like forever before the inner doors opened to reveal a nurse with Starsky, clad in pale blue scrubs, in a wheelchair.

“Hey there, buddy.” Hutch hoped he was successful at concealing his true feelings when he saw his friend’s battered face. He kept his voice low as he bent over the wheelchair. “You know, if you wanted a ride home, all ya had to do was ask.”

“Uh, yeah. Right.” Starsky winced and touched the side of his face. “Later, huh?”

“Right.” Hutch straightened and faced the nurse. “You’re sure he’s okay to go home?”

“There’s nothing we can do for him here you can’t do at home,” she replied. “He’ll be stiff and sore for a few days, but the healing will just take time. We gave him a pretty stiff dose of pain medication about six o’clock; he’ll probably just want to sleep.” She paused, extending a plastic bag to Hutch.

“His clothes are in here,” she explained. “You can drop the scrubs off whenever you’re by here next time. It would have been too painful for him to get dressed again after the x-rays.”

Nodding his understanding, Hutch went ahead to open the door to his car. Even he winced at the groan of the rusty metal hinges this time, but couldn’t help grinning when Starsky clumsily managed to cover his ears. Being as careful as he could, he shifted his partner from the wheelchair into the car then quickly shut the door, feeling awful when he saw Starsky’s grimace of pain at the sound.

There was so much Hutch wanted to say, to ask. Yet he didn’t say a word. Slumped against the door, Starsky’s eyes were closed, his face a mass of bruises and his right eye nearly swollen shut. Hutch took in the scrapes along both arms, and bruises that seemed to cover every visible inch of skin. The numerous white bandages under the thin fabric didn’t escape him either — Starsky was definitely lucky to be going home, or even to be alive.

Knowing Starsky’s ever-messy apartment, Hutch opted to take them back to Venice Place. There he knew where to find anything he might need to care for his partner, and he doubted Starsky would care if he even knew where he was.

Dazed by the drugs, Starsky barely grunted when Hutch helped him from the car then virtually carried him inside. He was glad the bed was ready as he threw back the covers and lowered Starsky’s limp form as gently as he could.

“You takin’ carea me ‘gain, Hutch?” Starsky’s words were slurred but Hutch clearly understood. “‘m fine.”

“Sure you are, buddy,” Hutch responded as he adjusted the sheet and blanket over his friend. “Just go back to sleep. You’ll feel better when you wake up.”

“Think so? Mebbe.” As Hutch adjusted the pillow, Starsky tried to raise his left arm but dropped it again with a wince. “Hurts,” he whimpered. “Everything.”

“I know, buddy,” Hutch soothed. “I know.” He sat carefully on the edge of the bed, unable to resist smoothing back a lock of dark curls that had fallen onto Starsky’s forehead. “I’ll be right here for you, okay? Just try to get some sleep.”

“Mmm. Here? You — won’t leave me?” Starsky managed to open one eye, fuzzily searching Hutch’s face. “Promise? Hutch?”

“Of course I won’t leave, you idiot.” Hutch managed a smile, and ran one finger down Starsky’s cheek. “Now stop trying to talk and go to sleep.”

Hutch saw the grimace but also determination as Starsky raised his hand in search of his friend. Taking it quickly, Hutch held it gently, nearly moved to tears when a peaceful smile crossed Starsky’s face. He had no idea how long he sat there, thinking — but darkness had fallen before he forced himself to move.

Determined to stay semi-awake in case Starsky called for him, Hutch settled himself on the couch, eventually falling into a light doze. The sharp ring of the phone on the nearby table almost shot him straight into the air. He grabbed it, hoping the bedroom extension hadn’t disturbed his partner’s sleep.

“Hutchinson here.”

“And hello to you to,” Captain Harold Dobey responded. “How’s that partner of yours?”

“Still sleeping, I hope. Sorry, Cap. What’s up?”

“Just thought you’d like to know we got the guy that hit Starsky. You can tell him he was right on about the car. Green ’66 Chevy Impala, just like he described.”

“That’s great, Cap,” Hutch replied. “Was it really an accident? Or somebody we know?”

“Sheer accident. And really, it was Starsky’s fault.” Dobey paused. “Driver just happened to be a dumb kid who figured he’d get busted if he stuck around.”

“It was Starsky’s fault?” Hutch repeated, frowning. “How? And where?”

“According to the kid, Starsky walked right out in front of him,” Dobey reported. “Said he didn’t even blink when the guy laid on his horn. It was close to Starsky’s apartment; he was comin’ out of the park like he was stoned.”

“Was Starsky able to tell his side of the story?” Hutch questioned. “He’s been too drugged to talk to me so far.”

“I guess he told the District car he didn’t see anything until he was hit. He knew the make of the car by the taillights, they said.”

“That’s Starsk.” The blond smiled fondly. “I dunno what to say, Cap’n. I’ll find out more when he wakes up, I guess. It was more than just a glancing blow, that’s for sure.”

“Is that your way of tellin’ me you two aren’t gonna be in on Monday?” There was a hint of humor in the Captains’ voice. “Again?”

“Well, I will but I don’t think Starsk’ll be up to it.” Hutch paused, debating how much more to say. “I need to have a talk with you Monday, Cap’n. First thing if you’re free.”

“You know what it’s like on Mondays,” Dobey grumbled. “What’s this all about? Somethin’ happen on your vacation? You need more time off?”

“No — that is, not exactly.” Hutch closed his eyes. “It’s a long story, Cap, and I don’t wanna get into it on the phone. I’ll explain Monday. All right?”

“Guess it has to be.” Hutch could envision the dour expression on Dobey’s face. “I’ll put Starsky on Sick Leave until I see you Monday. You can tell him for me.”

“Right, I will. Thanks, Captain. Good night.”

Rubbing a hand over his face, Hutch was surprised to find it was just past one a.m. Thankful the phone apparently hadn’t disturbed his partner, Hutch crept to the partially open bedroom door and peeked in.

He wasn’t surprised to find Starsky in the same position he’d left him, but a quick calculation told him the hospital medication would be wearing off soon. Knowing his friend would be in pain when he did awaken, Hutch wanted to be sure to be there — pulling a large pillow off the sofa, he settled himself on the bedroom floor against the wall where he could see and hear any movement Starsky might make. Once again, exhaustion won over, and he dozed.

“Nooooo!”

The scream was like nothing Hutch had ever heard, unearthly. He shot to his feet, instantly at Starsky’s side, catching his shoulders before he could fling himself from the bed. Hutch had to struggle to maintain his grip.

“Starsky! Starsk, babe, wake up! You’re dreaming.” He squeezed the broad shoulders as hard as he dared. “It’s okay, babe. It’s over. C’mon, wake up.”

Hutch knew his partner had returned to reality when Starsky’s body went limp in his arms. Hutch pulled him close, feeling the recurring shudders as he fought his way from the dream. When the dark head fell heavily on Hutch’s shoulder the blonde gently stroked the soft, damp curls.

“You okay now, buddy? Are ya with me?” Hutch made no attempt to move as he spoke. “Starsk?”

“‘m here,” he murmured. “Don’t wanna move.” Closing his eyes, Hutch pressed his cheek to Starsky’s head.

“You don’t have to move,” he whispered. “Ever.” He swallowed hard. “I just wanna be sure you’re okay.”

“I — think so.” Starsky shifted to wrap his arms around Hutch’s waist. “Everything hurts, but — Oh, God!”

The slender body shuddered with a strangled sob then, and Hutch pulled him closer still. He felt Starsky’s arms tighten around him as he struggled to repress the sobs accompanying his tears. Rubbing his back, Hutch fought to stifle his own emotions, determined not to let his partner realize how near tears he was as well. But when Starsky pulled back enough to rest his face against his partner’s, Hutch knew he was hopelessly lost.

“What’s happenin’, Hutch?” Starsky whispered. “I’m losin’ you and I don’t know why. Don’t you know how much you mean to me by now?”

“I know — you care. That we’re partners.” Hutch struggled with every word. “You mean a lot to me too.”

“Not enough to stay with me.” Starsky caught his breath in pain but persisted in pulling back to scan Hutch’s eyes. “I figured it out yesterday. You were gonna leave. Quit the force. Because of me. But I don’t know why.”

Oh God, don’t look at me like that, Starsky! Hutch had to look away from the piercing blue eyes that were searching his soul. You make it sound like you want me to tell you my feelings — God, maybe –do I dare?

“Hutch? Hey, you’re cryin’!” Starsky reached up to wipe Hutch’s silent tears away. “What’s goin’ on? Why are you leavin’ me this way?”

“Because I can’t STAY with you, damn it,” Hutch shot back. “Because I LOVE you too damn much.” The words came out before he could stop them, and there was no way to take them back. “I love you,” he repeated, softly this time, his eyes meeting his partner’s. “There, now you have it. Are you satisfied?”

Unable to face what he was sure would be disgust, Hutch dropped his head and closed his eyes. He was stunned when he felt gentle fingers caressing his cheek a moment later, followed by a hand cupping his face — still afraid, Hutch raised his head and found Starsky’s sapphire eyes filled with tears.

“You idiot,” Starsky whispered. “Ya know you can be a real goofball sometimes?” Wincing again at the movement, he reached up to Hutch’s hair and gently tugged.

“Will you get down here on my level?” he requested, using a falsely irritated tone. “In case ya haven’t noticed, I’m not movin’ too well right now.”

“Of course I noticed, but — Starsky, what –?” Then Starsky tugged harder on his hair, and Hutch yelped as his head dropped down.

The next thing he knew Hutch found himself engaged in a fierce embrace, immobilized by the strongest arms he’d ever known. At the same time his lips were being held captive by a kiss that was simultaneous power and the sweetest of love. Moaning, Hutch relinquished himself to his partner — and the most wonderful expression of love he’d ever known.

This can’t be happening, he thought. I’m dreaming. Starsky would never do something like this. Not with me. Yet Starsky WAS doing exactly what Hutch had so long dreamed of and yearned for — it was all Hutch could do to pull himself away.

“Starsky, do you realize what you’re doing?” Much as he hated to, Hutch had to ask. “And that you’re doing it with me?”

“‘Course I know, dummy.” Starsky drew a shaky breath as he loosened his grip on Hutch. “I wanna do a whole lot more too, but — it’s startin’ to hurt too much.” Biting his lip unhappily, Starsky held tightly to Hutch’s hand as he laid back down. “Damn! Bruised ribs sure hurt!”

Feeling empathetic pain watching Starsky’s movements, Hutch squeezed his hand. “It’ll be better in a few days,” he promised. “From what I’ve heard, you got hit pretty hard. Do you want some food or another pain pill instead?”

“Pill. But I wanna talk first.” Starsky ran his tongue over his lips. “Can you get me a glass of water? I feel like I’ve been out in the desert for a year.”

“Sure. No problem.” Hutch ducked into the bathroom, returning with a half full water glass. “You don’t wanna drink too much and make yourself sick,” he cautioned. “I’ll get you more in a little bit.”

“Thanks.” Greedily but slowly, Starsky drained the glass then sighed. “That’s better. Maybe now I can talk.”

“Don’t you think this can wait till you’re better? Tomorrow maybe?” Forced to confront the facts, Hutch was clearly nervous now. “The Captain has you on sick leave, so you don’t have to go to work. We’ve got plenty of time.”

“Maybe from work,” Starsky relented, “but not a lotta time with you.” He held out his hand, silent until Hutch accepted the grasp. “You were gonna go in Monday and quit, weren’tcha? That’s why ya didn’t want today off. You wanted to go in to Dobey and resign.”

“Yesterday,” Hutch corrected him automatically, his gaze focused on their clasped hands. “It’s Saturday morning now.”

“Whatever. I’m right, though, aren’t I? Hutch?”

Unable to lie to his partner, Hutch kept his head down and gave a slight nod. “I couldn’t work with you anymore,” he murmured. “I knew I’d give myself away. Going somewhere else was the only way.”

“That’s what ya went away for too, isn’t it?” Starsky gave a heavy sigh. “Aw, Hutch, after all these years, you still couldn’t trust me? Even if I didn’t share your feelings, didn’t you think I’d understand?”

“After the way you acted when you found out about Jake, no. I didn’t think you’d understand.” Hutch looked over to meet Starsky’s eyes. “I knew you didn’t feel the same way, and I – I couldn’t bear to see the hatred in your eyes.” He swallowed hard. “I wanted us to be able to stay friends, don’t you understand, Starsk? At least if I left now, I knew we could still have that.”

“Aw Hutch, you idiot.” Still lying back on the pillows, Starsky opened his arms. “C’mere, will ya? I need a hug.”

Stifling a moan, Hutch bent over his partner, being extra careful as he wrapped him in a tender hug. Pulling him tighter, Starsky emitted a tortured groan.

“If only we coulda been honest, none a this woulda happened,” he murmured, his breath a gentle breeze beside Hutch’s ear. “Now I know why I didn’t see that car comin’ — I was thinkin’ too hard about how to keep you here.”

“That’s why you were out walking?” Abruptly Hutch broke their contact and sat up. “Me? You got hurt because of ME?!”

Realizing that was exactly what had had happened, guilt washed over Hutch like a wave and his stomach turned. He’s hurting like this because I couldn’t be honest. Because he felt betrayed. Oh God, Starsk, forgive me! he begged silently, covering his face with his hands.

All I ever wanted was to love you. And all I’ve done is hurt you instead. Clutching his churning stomach, Hutch raced to the bathroom where he was violently ill.

“Hutch? Babe, don’t do this.”

Sitting on the floor by the toilet, Hutch was drenched in cold sweat and exhausted, drained both inside and out. He managed to raise his head when a soft hand and cool washcloth brushed his face, looking up to find a pale Starsky hovering over him.

“Hutch, it wasn’t your fault I was stupid, but I know you’re blamin’ yourself. Just think how much worse you woulda felt if I’d have died.”

“Starsky! That isn’t funny.” Hutch pulled himself to his feet. “And what are you doing out of bed, anyway?”

“If you must know, I have to use the john,” Starsky responded haughtily. “Besides, I had to come and look after you. I knew what was goin’ through that blond brain of yours. I never shoulda said what I did.”

“All you did was tell the truth.” Hutch flushed the toilet again for good measure then stepped aside. “You need a hand or –” Realizing what he’d said, the blond blushed deeply as Starsky laughed.

“Ooh, that hurts,” he groaned. “Don’t make me laugh yet.” He paused to regain his breath, holding onto his ribs. “I think I can manage. But — thanks anyway.”

Deciding silence was his best recourse, Hutch left the room, using the time to change into a fresh shirt and jeans. He had just finished dressing when he glimpsed his partner in the bedroom doorway — holding onto the door frame and starting to sag.

“Whoa there, partner.” Hutch got an arm around Starsky’s waist and helped him back to bed. “You’re not quite ready for the Olympics yet.”

“No, but I am ready for another pain pill.” Starsky sighed heavily as he laid down. “But Hutch? You gotta make me a promise first.”

“Anything. What?”

“That you’ll be here when I wake up and feel better? That we can talk about everything then?” The sapphire eyes never flickered as they locked on Hutch. “You won’t leave?”

“I won’t leave. You have my word.” Hutch had never meant anything more. “Besides, I think we BOTH have things to get out in the open now.”

“I think you’re right.” Starsky grimaced again. “How ’bout that pill now? Please?”

Ruffling the dark curls, Hutch went to the kitchen for the pill and water without delay. He sat beside his partner until the medication took effect and Starsky fell into a deep sleep once more. For the first time in longer than he could remember, Hutch realized he didn’t dread his next contact with his partner — it was actually a time he looked forward to.

*****

It was Sunday morning before Starsky recovered enough to eat and let the pain medication start to wear off. Though he was moving slowly, and Hutch knew he was still in pain, Starsky insisted on getting dressed and staying up.

“You said Cap’n Dobey has me on sick leave.” Starsky was settled on the sofa against several pillows, as comfortable as he could get. “He say anything else?”

“Only that you were right about the car that hit you,” Hutch responded. “It was a ’66 Chevy like you said. They found it Friday night. It was a kid driving, said he was afraid he’d be arrested if he stopped.”

“Did they — I hope they let him off.” Starsky’s voice was somber and soft. “It wasn’t his fault I didn’t see him. I think I remember the whole thing now. Dobey say anything else?”

“Only that the kid said you came out of the park looking like you were stoned.” Hutch paused. “Didn’t you even hear him honking at you? See the car moving? Anything?”

“Nope, not a thing. Nothin’.” Starsky ran a hand through his hair. “I hadn’t had any sleep for a couplea days and kind of a ‘liquid’ diet, so I prob’ly WAS pretty stoned. I was gettin’ dopey sittin’ around the apartment so I went to the park to try’n clear my head. Next thing I remember was rollin’ off the bumper of that car.”

“It’s a miracle you weren’t killed.” Hutch got up from his chair to pace. “What was wrong with you, Starsky?” he demanded. “Why didn’t you sleep? And if you were so tired you couldn’t even think straight, why did you go out? Why in the hell didn’t you CALL me?!”

“Well, you made it pretty damn clear Thursday you didn’t want anything to do with me, in case that slipped your mind.” Now Starsky was standing too. “Besides, YOU were the whole problem. What good would it’ve done me to call you?”

“Because we might’ve been able to figure it out together,” the blond shot back. “Instead, look at you,” he waved his hand. “You look like some stoned hippie with a paintbrush got a hold of you!”

“Yeah, well you don’t look so great yourself, hotshot,” his partner retorted. “If you’d bothered to look in a mirror lately you’d see that you look like you’re comin’ off a two week drunk.”

As he opened his mouth with yet another comeback, Hutch paused, meeting Starsky’s eyes. Filled with fire, they definitely held anger but Hutch recognized something else as well — fear. It was something he couldn’t recall ever seeing in his partner before, and it stopped him cold.

“Starsk? What’re we doin’?” Hutch spoke softly as he crossed the room. “Why are we beatin’ up on each other this way? It isn’t right.”

“I know.” Starsky’s voice was barely audible as he lowered his head. “I just — I dunno — I’m afraid.”

“Afraid of what? Of me?” Now standing directly in front of his partner, Hutch gently rubbed the bruised arms. “Don’t you know I’ve never meant to hurt you? Especially now?”

“I used to believe that. Now I don’t know anymore.” Almost like a frightened child, Starsky raised his head very slowly, his gaze pausing on Hutch’s throat before moving on up to his eyes. Hutch felt his heart break when he saw the sapphire eyes filled with tears.

“I love ya, Hutch,” Starsky whispered. “More than anything. I love ya enough to wantcha to be happy — even if that means ya have to leave to get away from me.”

Unable to stifle a low moan, Hutch pulled the injured man into his arms, holding him gently but firmly enough he couldn’t pull away. Avoiding the bruises, Hutch rubbed his whisker-rough cheek against Starsky’s then slowly drew his head back… his eyes were locked on his partner’s as he lowered his lips to present a soft, tender kiss.

It was similar to the kiss Starsky had initiated, but different too. This time Hutch had no doubt they were both aware of what they were doing, and Starsky appeared to have no qualms. Yet the persistent fear of rejection nagged at him, and reluctantly Hutch pulled away.

“What’d ya stop for?” Starsky murmured, nuzzling at the blond’s neck. “That was startin’ to feel pretty nice.”

“Damn nice, but — Starsk, look at me.” Gently Hutch raised Starsky’s skin. “I have to know — are you doing this because you really WANT to or because you think if you don’t I’ll leave?”

“A little of both, prob’ly.” It wasn’t in Starsky’s nature to lie. “I didn’t KNOW it was what I wanted until I figured out you did — seems like a pretty good idea now.”

“And Jake?” Much as Hutch wanted to stop talking, he knew the issues had to be resolved. “What changed your mind about that?”

“I don’t know that it HAS changed.” Wincing, Starsky wrapped an arm around his waist, placing more distance between himself and Hutch. “But Jake wasn’t — Jake didn’t love all those guys. We do. Love each other. That makes it all different for us.”

“I know. That’s how I feel.” Hutch had to repress the rush of euphoria he felt at his partner’s words. “But I — if we start, there’s no turnin’ back, Starsk. At least not for me. I’ve loved you too much too long to just get a taste and then nothing more.”

“So we’ll go for a full course meal.” Starsky ruffled the blond hair as he grinned for moment, then became sober again. “Look, Hutch, I know what you’re sayin’. And what you’re feelin’. But let’s not talk this to death, okay? Let’s just go with our feelings and see what happens. I don’t think there’s any other way.”

As Starsky reached out and pulled him close, Hutch closed his eyes and melted, the last of his resistance fading as their lips came together again. This time, he knew, there would be no more talk.

*****

The two devoured one another as if they were starving, lips and tongues vying for power then succumbing to the other when it was time. The thought flashed through Hutch’s mind that his partner must still be hurting, that they couldn’t keep standing for long… then he felt Starsky’s hand slip under his shirt to run across his chest in lazy circles, and all thought vanished once more.

“Uh, Hutch?” When Starsky broke the contact, Hutch abruptly felt lost. “I hate to do this, but my leg hurts too much to keep standin’. Think we could go lay down?”

“I think that’s a great idea,” Hutch replied, his eyes sparkling. “Are you sure you’re okay? Otherwise?”

“Lemme lay down and I’ll show just HOW okay I am,” Starsky murmured. “C’mon, gimme a hand.”

Hutch needed no further encouragement to wrap his arm around his partner’s waist, and they moved together to the bedroom slowly, in silence — yet closer than ever before.

Before he could lie down, Hutch used the excuse of practicality to unbutton and unzip Starsky’s jeans. Though the absence of shorts didn’t surprise him, the eager penis that leaped toward him took him a bit by surprise.

“That tell ya I’m okay?” Starsky’s eyes sparkled like blue champagne when Hutch glanced up. “C’mon, don’t take all day. I wanna lie down.”

Much as he wanted to linger, Hutch finished stripping off the jeans, inwardly wincing when he saw the angry red road rash on his friend’s thigh. Ignoring temptation, he held Starsky’s waist as he stripped off his shirt — this time Hutch grimaced in pain.

“My poor Starsk,” he murmured, easing him down to the bed. “If only I could just kiss it and make it go away.”

“Well, ya might just be able to do that. With some things.” Starsky grinned and glanced down. “‘Cept ya gotta even things up first. You gotta get rid of some of those clothes.”

Reaching over, Starsky tugged at Hutch’s t-shirt, smiling as the blond obediently peeled it over his head. He responded to his partner’s pointed glance at his belt by undoing that also, but then was halted by a familiar hand.

“Let me do it,” Starsky said, his voice husky. “C’mere closer so I can reach.” He nodded approvingly when Hutch moved to stand beside the bed, well within his partners’ reach.

“Mmm, that’s better.” With deliberate slowness, Starsky pulled the strained zipper down. “Whatcha got hidin’ here, Hutch? A secret weapon? I better check that out.”

Before the extended hand could touch him, Hutch quickly pulled off his jeans and kicked them aside, sighing with relief. A moment later he gasped as light fingers stroked his swollen length. His eyes closed but quickly reopened at the sound of Starsky’s soft laugh.

“That’s quite a concealed weapon, all right,” he teased. “If I’d known you were packin’ that, I mighta done this a long time ago.”

“You like what you see?” Hutch edged closer. “It’s all yours. Do whatever you please.”

The next several minutes — an eternity — passed in a blur for the blond as his partner stroked, caressed, squeezed and fondled every inch of his cock and balls. Hutch was aching, moaning, barely able to stand as he lost himself to Starsky’s touch. It was everything he had ever imagined or dreamed of — and much, much more.

“Starsk? Uh, better slow down there.” Hutch swallowed hard as he moved a step away. “I haven’t even touched you yet.”

“You will. Don’t worry. Just come back here.” Starsky worked himself into a sitting position against pillows at the head of the bed. “I wanna do somethin’ special. Get over here!”

Unable to disobey, and equally unwilling, Hutch stepped closer, watching his partner’s hand wrap around his thigh to pull him up to the bed. His eyes went wide as he realized Starsky’s intent.

“Oh God,” he moaned. “Aw, Starsk!” As the wet lips closed around him, Hutch felt sure he’d died, having gone to the most glorious heaven anyone had ever known. He gasped, propping one hand against the wall as Starsky took him, lapping at the dewdrops on the end before running his tongue down the length of the heavy shaft. He forced himself to open his eyes, driven by the need to his partner’s face.

The look of pleasure on the handsome face stunned him. Hutch could only stare. Certain he would see at least reluctance, the unbridled joy brought tears to Hutch’s eyes. It WILL be okay, he thought jubilantly. He won’t hate me after all. Oh my God!

Later he was never sure what provoked that last glorious moment — his joyous revelation or Starsky’s incredible mouth. It didn’t matter — in a flash Hutch’s eyes flew open as he gave a combined shout and gasp.

“Starsk! Babe! Oh God I’m coming!”

Praying he’d given his partner enough warning to pull back, Hutch felt his hips lunge forward in an explosive climax more intense than he’d ever known. He rode the waves, alternately shouting and moaning, not realizing until later that Starsky went with him all the way… when the world stopped spinning and his eyes finally opened, Hutch’s fuzzy gaze found his partner laying back on the pillow, grinning up at him.

“Now, that’s one powerful pistol!” The grin continued as Hutch made his way onto the bed, falling limply at Starsky’s side. “Good thing I know you can’t use that on just anybody. We’d have the best arrest record in town!”

“Hnh? Starsk, what — You’re nuts, you know that?” Rolling onto his side, Hutch propped his head on one hand. “That was – God, I can’t even describe what you did to me! How did — was this your first time?”

“First time havin’ sex? Not hardly.” The dark head ducked as Hutch took a playful swing. “First time makin’ love? I think so — in fact, I know it now.”

Though still sparkling, the blue eyes turned somber then. “I love you, Hutch,” he whispered. “More than anything. What I did was — just what you told me you wanted. Needed. Just like I need you right now.”

“You’ve got me, babe,” Hutch murmured. “All of me forever. As long as you want me around.”

Deciding it was time to exchange words for silent expression, Hutch moved closer to kiss Starsky’s lips then moved on to nibble his way down the dark furred chest. He was careful to avoid any visible scrapes or bruises, but found plenty of places safe to kiss. He glanced up once, smiling at Starsky’s closed eyes and an expression of pleasure unlike anything Hutch had seen.

Oh God, how I want to love you! Hutch caressed the thick, thrusting organ with his eyes. How can I make this good for you? Good enough that you’ll come back for more? Unable to resist temptation any longer, Hutch wrapped his lips around the slick head as he took the heavy balls below in his hand.

“Hutch. Oh God, babe.” Starsky’s moans were music to Hutch’s ears. “Just like that. Oh yeah. Oh God, I love you, babe.”

The words enhancing Hutch’s already intense desire, the blonde continued what he was doing but this time took more of the heavy cock inside his mouth. He paced his actions to his partner’s increasingly loud and breathless moaning until he could wait no more.

Raising up on his knees, Hutch proceeded to truly make love to his partner, taking the now-throbbing penis deep into his throat while still lapping at the side with his tongue. He felt the slim hips bucking upward, asking even more from him, as the heavy nuts began to draw up tight.

“Hutch? Ohmygod. HUTCH!” The last cry of Hutch’s name was a protracted scream as Starsky gave all of his being to Hutch, filling the blond with his life force and love. Hutch stayed with him, fondling and suckling, evoking all Starsky had to give and more… it was only when he heard his friend gasping and felt his entire body fall limp that Hutch reluctantly pulled himself away.

There were no words to be spoken between them as Starsky weakly tugged Hutch up to nest by his side. Nothing could be said to express the depth of their feelings during those first precious moments. They had said everything with their exchange of love.

*****

“Was that whatcha wanted? Was it — any good for you?”

Hutch hadn’t realized he’d been dozing until he woke to Starsky’s soft words. “I didn’t know what to do.”

“Oh my God, Starsk, how can you even ASK that?” The blond turned on his side toward his friend. “You said it earlier — you gave me everything I needed. And wanted. And so much more.”

He paused, searching Starsky’s eyes. “But what about you?” he asked with concern. “How was it for you? I didn’t know how either. I just — made love to you.”

“Yeah, ya did. And it felt like heaven.” Starsky laid a hand on Hutch’s chest, over his heart. “It all came from here, Hutch. For both of us. Right where it’s been all along.”

“And you’re okay with that? That I – love you?” The words sounded foreign even to Hutch. “That I want you like this? It’s okay?”

“It’s more than okay, babe,” the dark man whispered. “You already know I love ya. Now I want you too. Me ‘n thee, remember? Only it’s always and forever now too.”

Wrapping Starsky in his arms, Hutch closed his eyes, this time welcoming the silent tears. Thank you, God, he said in silence. Thank you for letting me dare to love him at last.

END