Eunice

Eunice’s (Lonnie’s Mother) thoughts.

How did my son end up six feet under in concrete before he even had a chance to grow up?

When her child is born a mother’s heart and hopes are as open as a fresh piece of paper.

Lonnie was a happy little boy, though quiet. Always smiling, but shy. We didn’t have much, but we were rich in love.

Then his father died. Shot in the street and they never caught the guys. Lonnie was only 10 and he was angry that no one cared or tried to find his father’s killers. ‘A bunch of young men out for a good time’ was all the explanation we got.

Our lives changed. I had to work. I hated leaving my little boy alone. He became even quieter and never smiled anymore. And he had such a lovely smile. His eyes used to twinkle, then they dulled. He stopped caring about things; me, himself, his schoolwork, his things.

My bright, happy baby boy became withdrawn and lazy. I suspected he was skipping school and hanging out with the wrong crowd. I worried he was getting into drugs, but there was never any proof. And the authorities weren’t very supportive.

Then Lonnie got killed by a cop. A white cop. I was angry. Angry at the cop, angry at Lonnie, angry at his father, society and everyone else I could think of. Why my son? He had so much life left. I was hopeful that he would turn his life away from his wildness and get his life back together. But it wasn’t to be. He’ll never get the opportunity…to graduate, to go to college, to meet a nice girl, to have a family…to grow up.

But the cop had no choice I guess. Lonnie had robbed a grocery and was waving a gun at the officer and other witnesses. I just wish he didn’t have to kill my son.

Sitting and listening at the inquest to all those people talk about my son like that nearly broke my heart. I’m a good God-fearing Christian woman. It took all my faith in the Lord to let go and trust in him, that he would make things okay. And he did by making sure that the young man who Lonnie hung out with went to jail so he couldn’t influence any more young boys.

But still I wonder late at night…

Where did I go wrong? What could I have done differently? So many questions and now it’s too late for any answers.

Most people would blame the parents and ask where they were. But those critics have never raised a child alone before.

It’s so hard being a young single black mother trying to raise her son in a violent, crime ridden neighborhood. I couldn’t take time off work to meet with school officials, or be with Lonnie. I was focused on trying to keep our heads out of the water. Wrong or right, it’s what I had to do. And I have to live with the decisions I made.

Try to do it yourself and then you can cast the first stone if you haven’t any problems.

You see it wasn’t my fault. It was circumstances. Lonnie didn’t have the strength to say no or walk away. It took some serious soul searching and forgiving myself to realize that. They always say hindsight is 20/20.

When the police officer who shot Lonnie stopped by, I told him that I was learning to forgive myself and that he needed to also.

Learning to forgive is the hardest thing to do, but faith in the Lord will see you through.