Existence

The day before Starsky returns to the streets, Hutch breaks down and makes a confession to Starsky.

The blond detective knelt down in the copse of colorful wildflowers. Selecting a handful of the bright buds, he inhaled the fragrance. He craved these moments in time; peaceful and clean.

Looking toward the water, he saw his best friend slowly walking along the river’s edge. Each tentative step was another miracle to behold. Gunther had stolen so much…but not everything. He hadn’t succeeded in taking away the most important thing in Hutch’s life.

His stubborn partner had been so determined to find his way back to the streets. Clawing his way through hours of painful rehabilitation. Tomorrow was to be the moment of triumph – their first day back at work as a team. And while Hutch was trying to be happy for his friend, he felt another emotion instead: fear.

For weeks on end as the big day loomed closer, Hutch’s heart had raced, threatening to burst out of his chest despite his attempts to remain centered and calm.

Increasing the duration of his yoga and meditative exercises, it was all he could do to hold on. But hold on he did. He had no choice. Starsky was relying on him. The pressure was building though and Hutch was terrified of what would happen if he could no longer keep it together.

Like a broken string on his guitar, Kenneth Hutchinson was ready to snap.

Starsky looked over toward his friend. The dejected figure stood still, clutching a bunch of flowers in his hand. Hutch had been like this lately, doing odd things, but Starsky remained quiet, sensing his partner’s need for peace.

Walking over to him, Starsky could see that Hutch had drifted off somewhere again. He just wished he knew where his partner kept going. Some place safe and serene, where bad things never happened to good people, Starsky suspected. He tapped lightly on his friend’s shoulder.

“What?” Hutch sounded startled as he threw the flowers down on the ground, his face turning crimson in embarrassment.

“Watcha’ doin’ Hutch? Makin’ a bouquet for me?” Starsky snickered.

“Very funny, Starsk. No, just thinking about Spring and how the flowers always bloom. Like a renewal of life in a way.”

“Oh so we’re in a poetic mood today?” Starsky waited for his partner to laugh or come back with a witty reply.

Silence.

“Hutch, ya wanna’ talk about tomorrow? It’s a big day for both of us, but I get the feeling you have some reservations about it.” Starsky kicked a rock with his toe…

“Is it me, Hutch? Do ya think I’m not ready to go back to work yet? That I won’t be able to watch your back like I used to? Cuz if that’s what you feel, ya gotta tell me.” The apprehension in Starsky’s voice broke Hutch’s heart even further.

Reaching over, Hutch unexpectedly pulled Starsky into an embrace. He wanted—needed—to reassure him that he did trust him, that there was no one else he would rather be working with. But the words would not come, and instead Hutch pulled back and buried his face in his hands.

“Shhhh…aw come on Hutch. Ya havta’ talk to me.”

Hutch lifted up his head. Opening his mouth, he searched for the right words. “Starsk, I just don’t know if you’re ready yet. Sss-orry.” Hutch was stuttering, not a good sign Starsky thought as he stared at his friend.

“Go on. Say it all, tell me everything you’ve been wanting to say to me these past weeks…but haven’t.” Starsky felt the perspiration start to form on his brow and wiped his face with the palm of his hand.

“I – I can’t, Starsk.”

“Can’t what, Hutch? Tell me the truth? Explain to me why you’ve been acting so crazy lately?”

Closing his eyes, Hutch was bombarded with images of Starsky, bullet ridden and laying near death.

Snapping his eyes open, and pulling his body erect, Hutch looked at his friend with a renewed sense of self-determination.

“Starsk, face facts. You just can’t keep up. I’ve seen you working out, trying your best, and well…your best just isn’t good enough. Not for the strenuous type of job we have to do everyday.”

Starsky hesitated, his face hardened. “Liar!”

“What did you say to me, Gordo?”

“I said you’re a liar. A liar who is scared. Scared to tell me the truth and scared to let me go. Cuz if you really want to know the truth, Hutchinson, it’s you who ain’t ready to hit the streets again.”

Hutch stared at his friend in disbelief. Was he really that transparent?

“God, Starsk. You’re right. I’m not ready. I’ll never be ready again. I can’t go back…. I – I don’t want to go back!”

“Then we won’t,” Starsky stated emphatically.

“We won’t?” Hutch stood shell shocked, confused.

“You just need more time.”

“I don’t understand Starsk, time for what?”

“I know it was my heart that stopped beating, but I think it was your heart that broke in two, Hutch. Take time for that.”

“You’re talking crazy now, Starsk. You’re the one who was shot, the one who was hurt. Not me buddy. I’m fine.” Hutch turned away no longer able to look his friend in the face.

“Aw come on, Hutch. It doesn’t mean you’re weak. Just that you’re human.”

Hutch spun around, eyes filling with unshed tears. “I don’t know how to start, Starsk. I’ve been trying… searching for a way to feel better inside, but nothing works.”

“Then quit trying so hard.” Starsky smiled sadly at his friend.

“Hey Hutch, you know that phrase..…’Take time to smell the flowers’? That’s what I thought of today when I saw you standing up on the hill.

Keep doing stuff like that. It’ll all fall into place.”

Neither man spoke. Stillness rent the air as the river babbled over the jagged outcropping of rocks. Starsky knew instinctually that Hutch was groping for the right words, that he needed to say something of importance.

A revelation:

“Starsky, I know guys don’t usually say stuff like this to each other, but… when you were lying in ICU, I had one regret. I just wasn’t sure if you really knew how much you meant to me, and I swore that if I had the chance again…I would let you know.”

“It’s okay buddy. I knew. I always knew. Give me your hand, Hutch.” Starsky reached over and placed the palm of his partner’s hand on his chest. “Feel my heart beating. I’m alive, Hutch, and all I want to do is get back to living… but not without you. You have to come along for the ride.”

After all Hutch had been doing, trying to alleviate the fear and quell the pain, it was this… the steady rhythmic heart beating under his hand that felt wondrous. Restorative.

Starsky was right, there was no time for regrets…Only time for living.

I Love You
By: Sarah McLachlan

I have a smile stretched from ear to ear
To see you walking down the road
We meet at the lights
I stare for a while
The world around disappears
Just you and me on this island of hope
A breath between us could be miles
Let me surround you my sea to your shore
Let me be the calm you seek
Oh and every time I’m close to you
There’s too much I can’t say
And you just walk away
And I forgot to tell you…I love you