Four Times Starsky and Hutch Said I Love You without Saying I Love You and the One Time They Admit It

Exactly what the title says!

The storm rages outside—lightning illuminates the small office and there’s the sound of rain hitting the window.

Hutch stands with his hands braced against the wall, afraid, weary, and sick with the thought that, despite everything he’s doing, Starsky might die. But he braces his shoulders, straightens and then crouches beside his friend, his partner, the man he’d die for, the person he loves more than anyone else in the world. He places a hand on Starsky’s shoulder. He can’t say the words, not here, not now, can’t place the burden of his love on Starsky, but he leans his forehead against Starsky’s curls and sends all his love into him.

Starsky fights to stay awake and wonders why the pain is gone. He can’t feel much any longer, but he feels Hutch’s presence, the press of Hutch’s head against his, the warmth of Hutch’s fingers just barely grazing his neck. He’s afraid—afraid of what’s going to happen when Hutch leaves this room, afraid that maybe, just maybe, their luck has run out. He trusts Hutch with his very life and knows Hutch feels the same. He summons up all his courage, the need to send Hutch, his partner, his friend, the person he’d die for, the man he loves more than anyone else in the world out into danger with a smile. So he says something inane about teeth being capped and then realizes that he what he wants Hutch to know is that he wishes he could go out there too.

“I was just kidding,” he says and he doesn’t even need to see or hear Hutch’s reply to know the I love you is understood.

* * * *

Hutch puts on the vest, aware of Starsky’s appraising stare. This is a dangerous game they’re about to play and yet he knows that it’s a young girl’s only chance to survive. He pushes down the jitters—the fear, not for himself, but for Starsky, who will be riding a motorbike, exposing himself as a cop if the kidnappers catch on. They haven’t ever said the words to each other—maybe, he thinks, they don’t need to or maybe they are too afraid to risk it considering their track records. But he does what he can, asks Starsky all sorts of questions about the bike, making sure every possible contingency is covered. He takes a deep breaths, focuses on the task ahead, and knows that Starsky has his back.

Starsky watches Hutch put on the vest, watches as Hutch mentally prepares for the run of his life and the life of a young girl they’ve never met. He reassures Hutch that no matter what he’ll have Hutch’s back. He reassures Hutch that he’s done all he can to be as safe as he can be. He jokes in the way they always do—humor to hide the fear, humor to hide the knowledge that what they are doing could result in death. He knows Hutch is going to be out there, exposed, and he’s afraid. He wishes they could say more, show more, be more, but what they have now is enough, Starsky thinks. And when Hutch gives a final nod, Starsky says the only thing he can to send him on his way.

“Shoes tied?”

* * * *

Starsky has never felt so helpless. He can’t fight this with fists or bullets or even in the court room. There have been so many opportunities over the years to tell Hutch how he feels, to say three simple words, and yet he’s always chickened out. And now Hutch is in a hospital bed, struggling to breathe and Starsky can’t be there for him. He wishes there was a way to let him know, a way to remind him he’s not alone in the struggle. He asks Dr. Kaufman if she has a lipstick and when she hands it him and walks away, he writes his name as big as he can on the window so that whenever Hutch looks that way, he’ll see it and know that Starsky wants to be there. He writes so big he runs out of room for the y, but it doesn’t matter, he thinks. Hutch will know.

Every breath is fought for, every moment seems a battle, and then Starsky is there, holding his hands. Hutch looks at him, sees the exhaustion and the fear. He begs Starsky to take away the pain and for brief, miraculous moment it leaves. He takes the time to let Starsky know what he needs to do. He wants Starsky to be away from here if he dies. He wants Starsky to be out there, busy and active and being the cop he’s always been meant to be. Hutch is afraid but he can’t give Starsky the burden of his love—not this time. He tells himself that Starsky knows, that Starsky will find the answer and he hopes that when Starsky leaves, he knows he carries a piece of Hutch with him.

* * * *

They stretch out in the bed together—Hutch tipsy and Starsky high on painkillers, four to be exact. Their sides, hips, thighs, knees, calves, feet touch. It feels like electricity is sparking between them and they giggle like fools in the joy of knowing they are alive and Gunther is taken down and the world is still turning. And then the sprinklers come on and the magic is lost and the words they were close to saying get lost in the mess they’ve made.

* * * *

They sit in Starsky’s hospital room, a chess board on the table between them. Hutch looks at Starsky who is sitting in a chair and dressed in real clothes, not the pajamas or robes he’d been forced to wear. He smiles at the frown of concentration and thinks of how close he came to losing him, to losing the man he loves, his partner, his friend. He tries not to remember the dark moments after the shooting, tries not to think about driving to the hospital knowing Starsky was dying when Dobey called. He takes a deep breath as Starsky finally moves a rook.

Starsky looks at Hutch who is studying the board with a fierce look—the weariness that has shadowed his whole being for months finally lifted. He knows he still has a long haul ahead even if he is getting out of the hospital in two days. He knows there’s a good chance he won’t ever be out on the streets again. But they came so close to losing it all, he thinks. No, he corrects himself, Hutch came close. Because if Starsky had died, nothing would matter to him—he’d be dead. Hutch would have had to mourn, Hutch would have had to carry on alone. He takes a deep breath as Hutch moves a knight.

Their eyes meet and they smile over the chess board. Hutch reaches out a hand, Starsky meets the hand with his own. They both breathe and at the same time, they say the words they’ve held inside from the moment they met.

“I love you.”

They both laugh and the chess board falls to the floor as they meet over it, kissing as if it was the first kiss they’d ever kissed. And they know that now, no matter what, they won’t ever be afraid or unable to say those words again.