Freaked Out and Still Freaking Out

Two connected stories.

Freaked Out: After the events of the episode “Fatal Charm”, Hutch is still freaking out. He’s not the only one who is rattled. Alternating points of view. First person.

Still Freaking Out: Hutch is still rattled and finding the thought of dating scary. Third person.

First published 2020.

Freaked Out

Hutch POV

“Hello?”

“Starsk, I need your h-”

The phone is down before I can finish the sentence. “Damn! I should have thought before I started speaking.” I try ringing back but it’s too late – he’s on his way. “Now, he’s gonna drive like a maniac and probably get in a wreck en route. That was so stupid of me! What was I thinking?”

In less time than it have should have taken, I hear the screech of tyres and then a car door slamming. I rush to the front door in time to open it and stop him crashing through. He tries to hide the worry on his face but I can see it.

“You okay?”

I nod. “Yeah, sorry. I didn’t mean to freak you out. I just wanted your help with something.”

“No problem.”

As he walks past, his hand brushes across my stomach. Reassuring him, or me, or both of us? It’s been less than twenty-four hours and we’re both still rattled.

Starsky POV

I’m dozing off in front of the tube when the phone rings. Half asleep, I pick up the handset and say, “Hello?”

“Starsk, I need-”

My response is automatic. Those three words are all I need to hear to spring into action. I swipe for my keys, ram my tennis shoes back onto my feet, grab my gun and jacket, and then I’m running down the steps, throwing my holster on over my shoulder as I run to my car. My heart is pounding and my brain has shifted into ‘Hutch is in danger’ mode. I can’t think; I just know I need to get there fast. A minute could make all the difference between life and death. It usually takes ten minutes to get to Hutch’s place; I make it in seven.

I slam on the brakes and hurtle out of the car, shoving open the ground floor door and running up the steps, taking them two at a time. Just as I reach his front door, Hutch opens it, an apology written all over his face.

“You okay?” I ask, slightly breathlessly.

He nods at me.

“Yeah, sorry. I didn’t mean to freak you out. I just wanted your help with something.”

I can see he’s upset because he’s worried me.

“No problem,” I say.

As I pass by, I touch his stomach. It’s something we both do when the need arises. The touch – a fleeting, fingers feathering, stroke across the stomach – has many functions; it restores communication, it revitalises energy, it reassures anxiety, it strengthens weakness, it bestows peace, it assures love, and so much more. This time, I touch him because I want to reassure myself that he’s here and he’s unharmed; and I want to let him know that my overreaction is my problem, not his, and he doesn’t need to apologise.

Hutch POV

“I’m sorry, Starsk,” I say again.

He was at the hospital with me until the small hours; then he had to work a day shift; and then he looked in on me to make sure I was all right, and bring me some more painkillers, before he went to visit Linda at the hospital. He has every right to be exhausted so it wasn’t fair of me to call him…But he’s always the first person I call when I need help and it was automatic to pick up the phone.

“I told you, it’s no problem, Hutch. What do you need help with?”

I hold up my sore right hand by way of explanation. I can’t lift my left hand – my arm hurts too much.

“I wanted some pasta for dinner but I can’t open the jar. This hand is too sore to grip with and my left arm…well, it throbs when I move it. If I’d have been thinking straight, I could have asked one of the neighbours to help me…but my head’s all over the place.”

“I should have thought about how you were going to feed yourself tonight before I went home,” Starsky says, sounding guilty. “Or maybe I should have stayed a bit longer. Sorry, pal, how about you sit down and I’ll cook up some pasta?”

A wave of tiredness comes over me and I sigh with relief.

“Thanks. That would be great.”

I sit on the sofa; it’s covered with a throw to try to hide the shredded fabric. Huggy and Starsky have done their best to mend what was damaged; and take away what couldn’t be saved. My plants are all back where they should be. There’s hardly anything to show that anything has happened here…but inside my mind, I can see it all; the destroyed furniture; the abused plants; the smashed glass and china; and, most painful of all, my broken guitar.

I haven’t had chance to look for a new sofa yet but I want to as soon as possible. I can’t even think about replacing my guitar – at the moment, that thought fills me with sorrow. I want to try to erase all memories of what has taken place here…but I think it’s going to be harder than I thought it would be, especially now that my home, my safe place, is full of menacing shadows lurking in dark corners. I’ve put on as many lights as I can but the shadows linger.

Starsky POV

I can see Hutch is bone tired – the pain he’s in isn’t helping – and I know he’s going to have trouble sleeping tonight, even though he needs it desperately. I can also read his anxiety, coming off him in waves – the glances around the apartment to make sure everything is as it should be.

The place is lit up like a floodlit stadium.

My partner, my friend, the strongest person I know, is scared; scared to be in his own home. Thanks to Diana and her crazy obsession.

I should have listened when Hutch said he thought she was dangerous, but how was I to know? I’ve had jealous girlfriends before, and so has Hutch, but I’ve never come across anything like this. It was so far beyond the realm of normal, I can still hardly believe it.

As I get the water boiling and tip the pasta twirls in from the now opened jar, I wonder what I can do in the next few days to help Hutch get back to normal; to get back to feeling safe.

I decide the first thing is distraction.

“Linda’s woken up,” I tell him.

“That’s good…I was really worried about her.”

“Yeah, I popped in for a few minutes. I told her we’d both go see her tomorrow. She hates being in the hospital, and she especially hates the food.”

We look at each other and exchange rueful glances; we’ve both known long stays in hospital and the delights of hospital food. Then Hutch’s face darkens as he remembers why she’s there. I can see, as plain as day, that he’s blaming himself.

“Not your fault, pal.”

He just sighs and wrinkles his face.

I strain the pasta and add a little tomato sauce and carry the two plates over to the table. Hutch has some parmesan in the fridge so I grab that and the cheese grater.

“Food’s ready,” I say.

Hutch struggles to get up off the sofa but he manages it, weaves his way to the kitchen table and sits down with a weary sigh. We eat in silence; both too tired to try to come up with topics for conversation. When he finishes, I offer to wash up and send him back to rest on the sofa.

I wash and dry the plates and pans then put them neatly away. By the time I finish, Hutch’s head is nodding. I go to sit down next to him and his eyes fly open; the panic clearly shining in them before he registers my face. I pat his leg and he lets out a long, slow breath.

There’s no way I can leave him alone tonight in this condition. He needs a good night’s sleep and he’s not going to get it if he’s here alone.

“I’m too tired to drive home tonight, buddy. Okay if I crash on the sofa?” I say.

“It’s always okay for you to crash here,” Hutch says, then after a moment he adds, “Thanks, Starsk.”

I smile at him reassuringly, trying to take away his fears. “You look beat, buddy. Why don’t you go settle down? Do you need some more painkillers before you go to bed?”

He shakes his head. “I took some just before you got here…think that’s what’s making me so sleepy.”

Yeah, that’s what’s making you sleepy…not the knife wound, or the fight to stay alive, or the night spent in the hospital being patched up, or the fear of a maniac hiding in dark corners.

I nod. “Get some sleep, pal. I’ll be right here if you need anything.”

He looks relieved as he gets up and slowly makes his way to the bedroom. He pauses in the doorway and I can see from his posture that he’s checking it’s safe before he fully enters the room. I hate what Diana has done to him and I think it might be a long road back to anywhere near normal. All I can do is make sure I’m there every step of the way – just like he’d be for me.

Hutch POV

I am so tired. I just want to close my eyes but every nerve is jangling even though I am not alone – Starsky’s here so I don’t need to be afraid. I hear him walk around, making sure everything is tidy, checking the windows, locking the front door, and turning off the lights, both big and small, until only one small lamp is left.

He peers through the open door at me.

“Door’s locked, everything’s secure,” he says, and I feel myself start to relax.

For a moment, his eyes lock with mine, asking a gentle question. I nod and he turns off the bedroom light, plunging the room into momentary darkness…but it’s okay, the small lamp in the living room is on and Starsky is still here.

“I’ll leave the lamp on,” he says matter-of-factly, as if it’s okay for a grown man to be frightened of the dark. “I’ll be right on the sofa if you need anything…Sleep well, Hutch.”

“Thanks, Starsk, you too.”

He moves away and I hear him snaffling a pillow and a blanket from the cupboard I keep them in and then settling down onto the sofa. Within minutes, he’s asleep and snoring softly. The glow from the living room is tiny but it’s enough. Like Starsky, it’s a beacon of safety in a dark world. I feel his presence like a warm blanket soothing my fears and gradually I start to drift, knowing that however long the journey takes to make this anxious feeling go, Starsky will be there every step of the way.

Still Freaking Out

“Hey Hutch?”

“Yeah?” Hutch didn’t lift his head from the menu. Maybe, if he ignored Starsky, he wouldn’t keep asking awkward questions.

“So?…About last night?”

Even without looking at him Hutch could hear the wink and smirk Starsky was giving him. He still pretended not to cotton on to what he was being asked.

“What about it?”

“Come on partner, give. Did she stay the night?”

“Er no, we decided to call it night after you and Libby left…I think I’ll have the goats cheese and avocado salad. What about you?”

Starsky frowned at him but, before he could ask another question, the waiter was at their table asking for their order. Hutch took a sip of water and prayed Starsky would let the matter drop. The waiter scribbled their orders on his pad, gathered their menus and left. Starsky returned to his inquisition.

“She had second thoughts? She seemed as keen as her friend, if you know what I mean.” Starsky winked at him.

Hutch sighed. “Told you before Starsk, there’s more to life than ‘do-you-know-what-I-mean’.”

“But…you’re a guy; she was a gal with you-know-what-on-her-mind…So something happen after we left that put you off each other?”

“No.”

“You found out she owns a brand new Cadillac and had to dump her on religious grounds,” Starsky joked.

Hutch rolled his eyes.

“She’s married with three kids just pretending to be a gorgeous air stewardess?”

Hutch shook his head.

“Well…did she change her mind?…Or did you?”

Hutch shifted uncomfortably in his seat and his cheeks flushed slightly. “Does it matter?…Please, can we talk about something else?”

Starsky tipped his head to one side and contemplated his friend. Something was definitely wrong. He thought about pressing him for an answer but decided the obvious discomfort his friend was displaying was a pause for thought. The middle of a crowded restaurant might not be the best place for a difficult conversation. Also, Starsky felt like a little more research might be needed – he felt there was something staring him in the face; but he was looking past it somehow, not recognising what he was seeing.

“Sure. What do you want to do this weekend?”

Hutch breathed a sigh of relief as the conversation returned to safer ground.

*****

Hutch climbed the stairs to his apartment and felt the weight of Starsky’s questions dragging him down. He was only just starting to realise that there were still terrors lingering at the edge of his existence. Terrors he didn’t know how to overcome and terrors he didn’t think Starsky could help with.

“Did she change her mind?…Or did you?”

Oh yes, it had definitely been him. As soon as Starsky left with Libby, Hutch’s heart began to race. He had realised his hands were sweating and no matter how much he wiped them on his trousers, they never dried. Sylvia had said she needed the powder room before they left. Hutch took the brief respite to come up with a plan of escape. When she returned, Hutch had lied and said he had been called into work at short notice and he would have to drop her home. She’d been disappointed. She kissed him long and passionately after he walked her to her door and he had responded; but only long enough to not seem rude and then he had extracted himself from her arms, saying politely but in a non-comital way that he hoped they’d meet again sometime and then he had left as quickly as he could.

Hutch sat down on the sofa and nursed a beer. He stared ahead, wondering why life still wasn’t back to normal. The truth was he’d only been out on one date in the last six weeks and that was a double date with Starsky and two old friends of theirs who had come into town just for the weekend. Cathie had ended up going home with him and staying over for breakfast. They’d had a good time and he was really glad she’d come to visit. Cathie was beautiful, sexy, always made him feel good with no strings attached…and she was safe.

And that there was the word at the centre of all his problems. Safe. He didn’t feel safe.

He sighed as he thought to himself, “I thought I’d got over Diana. I really did. She’s safely locked away and Starsky’s seen me through the worst of my anxiety…or at least I thought he had…but it’s not over yet…will it ever be? Or am I going to stuck here forever – too scared to get into a relationship in case she turns out to not be what she seems?”

*****

It had been a long, tiring day and Hutch was very glad to know tomorrow was the weekend. He pulled up outside Starsky’s apartment and said, “Night partner. See you tomorrow for our trip to the beach.”

Starsky stayed where he was.

“What’s going on, Hutch?”

“W-What are you talking about?”

“Something’s going on, buddy. Something’s been going on for a while. You’re worrying about something…If you don’t tell me what it is, how can I help?”

Hutch looked out of the window.

“Everything’s fine. I’m just tired.”

“Rubbish.”

Hutch swallowed and turned to face him with eyes filled with turmoil. “W-What could be wrong?”

Starsky took a stab in the dark. “Hutch? About the date the other night…You changed your mind, didn’t you? It wasn’t Sylvia…Has this got something to do with Diana?”

Hutch swallowed again but didn’t speak.

“Hutch, talk to me. Please. What’s going on inside that brain of yours?”

“I don’t know, Starsk. I don’t. Everything was going fine and then you and Libby left and…”

“And?”

“And I think I had a panic attack,” Hutch said softly. “All I could think was what do I know about her? What if I woke up the next morning and she turned out to be unhinged? I panicked. I told her I’d been called into work and dropped her back at her hotel.”

Starsky looked stricken with guilt. “Oh…God, Hutch, I’m sorry I should’ve thought. It’s just I knew you’d been with Cathie a couple of weeks ago. I thought everything was okay now, back to normal.”

Hutch smiled ruefully. “So did I. No reason you should have thought otherwise…I didn’t think I had a problem until you left.”

“But with Cathie you were okay?”

“I know her. We know her. She’s safe.”

“Oh, I see.”

Suddenly Hutch wanted to tell Starsky everything he’d been thinking.

“I mean, Starsk, what do we really know about new people we meet? How do you tell whether someone’s a good person, or a raving psycho just by looking at them?…Yeah, I know sometimes we can tell – some of the weirdos we meet on the job stick out by a mile and we can see straight away that they’re dangerous – but what if someone’s got that initial-meeting camouflage painted on really well so they look just like you and me? It’s only when you scratch the surface to see what’s underneath that you realise all is not as it should be.”

Starsky looked thoughtful. “I guess you have to trust your gut to some extent.”

“Well, I don’t trust my gut…My gut is way off beam…It’s not just Diana. What about Vanessa?”

“She wasn’t a psycho,” Starsky protested.

“No, but she was gold digger. She wore a pretty face and told me what I wanted to hear and then when it got down to the nitty gritty she didn’t care about me one iota.”

“I don’t know what to say, pal…except it’s freezing in this car. How about you come in and I make us both some coffee and we talk this through?”

Hutch was shaken out of his melancholy for a second by the sight of Starsky blowing on his hands to warm them.

“Sorry, buddy. You’re right. It is freezing and yes, please, I’d like to come in and talk about this…even though I’m not sure anybody can help.”

The two of them walked up the steps to Starsky’s apartment. Once inside, Starsky got the beers and chips out while Hutch turned on the lamps and then settled on the sofa.

“Diana’s turned me into a freak,” Hutch said. “Do you think I’m going to feel like this forever?”

Starsky shook his head. “You just gotta give it time…It took a while to get over the physical attack; no reason why it shouldn’t take a bit of time to get over the – what’s the word? – the mental, the emotional side of it?…She did a number on you, pal, but it doesn’t mean you won’t get over it.”

“But how? How Starsk?…Sylvia was probably a lovely normal person and I felt like you’d left me alone with a lunatic, who was waiting to pounce on me…Oh, I’m really messed up in my head…maybe I should go see someone.”

As he was speaking, Hutch’s heart started hammering and his voice grew louder and more panicked.

Starsky placed a hand on Hutch’s shoulder. “Hey…Take a breath, pal.”

Hutch took a long, slow breath and nodded. He sighed.

“Maybe,” Starsky said slowly, “Maybe you do need to chat to someone who knows a bit more about this type of feeling…”

Hutch grimaced.

“Well…How about for starters we go on some more double dates but I don’t leave you? We just go out, have some fun as a group and take it slow.”

“I don’t want to be a drag and cramp your love life,” Hutch said, almost smiling.

“Nah, I won’t let that happen,” Starsky said with a grin, “But if you need a wingman for a bit, I’m that guy.”

“All right…Thanks.”

*****

Two weeks later, Hutch was sat at the bar of The Ocean View Restaurant waiting for Starsky to arrive. They’d been out the weekend before with a couple of nurses that Starsky had invited to go bowling with them and had had a fun time. Starsky had promised they would call the girls up again sometime and the evening had ended pleasantly enough. Hutch had felt more relaxed during the date than he had expected but was still glad his friend was by his side. He still wasn’t ready to go solo.

This evening promised to be uneventful. Libby was in town and had wanted to see Starsky. She’d also run into an old school friend and asked Starsky if it was all right if she came to dinner too. Hutch looked up as the door to the restaurant opened and Starsky and Libby came into view.

“Hi Libby. Nice to see you again.”

“You too Hutch,” Libby said and kissed his cheek. “Hope you don’t mind making up the numbers tonight. It was so good to bump into Laurie. We were quite close at school and then lost touch. It’ll be good to catch up with her and, if you’re here, Dave won’t get too bored if we get carried away reminiscing.”

Hutch smiled. “No problem.”

The door opened again and a blonde woman in her late twenties came in.

“Laurie!”

Libby hurried over and embraced her friend and then brought her over to the bar and introduced her to Starsky and Hutch. Then the waiter came over and took them to their table. They passed a pleasant evening. Hutch didn’t say much; he mostly listened and found out that Laurie was a secretary for a law firm. She had three brothers. Her mother was a secretary too and her father was off work at the moment with a broken leg – the injury happened when he fell out of a tree he was trying to prune and Laurie’s mother was still furious with him.

At the end of the evening, Starsky and Libby offered to drop Laurie home to save her getting a taxi back.

Hutch found himself saying, “I could drop Laurie home if you like. It’s on my way home whereas you’d have to drive one way and then back up town to Libby’s.”

“All right with you, Laurie?” Libby asked.

For a moment Laurie hesitated. She glanced quickly at Libby for reassurance. Her friend nodded.

“Okay, thank you, Ken,” Laurie said.

Hutch helped Laurie put her jacket on and led her out to his car. She grimaced slightly when she saw the state of it. Hutch was suddenly relieved that he’d cleared all the rubbish from the front seat earlier. He just hoped Laurie didn’t look in the back too closely.

As they drove along, Laurie was very quiet and Hutch glanced at her. He saw her twisting a ring on her finger and couldn’t help chuckling.

“What’s so funny?” Laurie asked quietly.

“Sorry,” Hutch said, “It’s just I think you’re as nervous being with me as I am being with you.”

Laurie looked surprised. “You’re nervous? How come?”

They had just reached Laurie’s street. Hutch pulled the car over and turned off the engine. He turned to look at her.

“I had a bad experience recently…the lady…she wasn’t what she seemed…It’s left me a little anxious.”

“Oh…It’s tricky, isn’t it? Meeting new people, I mean. I don’t usually go out with anyone unless one of my friend’s vouches for them…I got…a guy…a guy tried to…a guy tried to rape me once.”

Hutch swallowed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know that.”

“No reason you should. Libby said you and Dave were police officers and nice guys, that’s why I guessed it would be all right for you to drive me home.”

“Well, here you are. Safely delivered to your door. I won’t make you nervous by seeing you all the way to the front step if you’d rather I didn’t.”

“Thanks.” Libby put her hand on the door handle and started to open the door. She paused. “I think it would be nice to get to know you better, Ken. You didn’t say much tonight so I don’t feel I know anything about you…Maybe we could do something about that? Libby will give you my number if you want to call me sometime. I’ll leave it up to you.”

“Thanks,” Hutch said. “I’d like that.”

As he drove away, Hutch felt as if something had profoundly shifted inside him; the terror hovering around the edge of his life was gone. He felt as if he was once again free; to do what he wanted; to trust his own judgement; to try to meet new people without worrying; and to just be himself. He sighed with relief. He was going to try to be more careful about whom he dated, and maybe not rush into relationships quite so quickly from now on, but he was going to get on with living his life.

And tomorrow he was going to call Laurie and ask her if she’d like to meet for a coffee.