Gillian: Missing Thoughts from an Alley

Hutch has a lot on his mind.

Thanks to Barb D. who beta’d this eons ago.

As they rounded the corner into the alley, the only sound he could hear came from distant cars and their own softly treading footsteps. He slowed his pace and looked around, carefully taking in the new surroundings, his eyes searching the area for the bad guys.

Shit. Hutch hated situations like this, hated being exposed to unknown danger. He couldn’t see or hear anyone, but he knew that sure as hell didn’t mean anything. Like most back streets and alleys in this part of Bay City, the area was crowded with trash, garbage dumpsters, crates and boxes. He spied fire escapes that led up to rooftops and stairways that led down into basements. There were doorways everywhere. In short, the people they were chasing could be hiding anywhere. Or maybe they were already long gone.

That’s what Hutch was thinking. Hoping, anyway. I really don’t want to do this right now, he thought. What was I just thinking about? Something good… Ah, yes, Gillian. He was sure he’d had a silly grin on his face right before they had gotten this call. Her scent. Slowly, he felt himself being pulled back into last night. It had been incredible. She was incredible. Like nothing he’d ever experienced before.

That was why he was standing up straight, walking slowly, right down the middle of the path. The memory of her scent, however, couldn’t replace the pungent smell of rot and decay coming at him from all around.

The middle of the alley? he suddenly thought. Not exactly the best way to protect myself — or my partner. In a flash, all the crazy things they did for their job didn’t seem worth it to him anymore. He paused and lowered his gun.

Why are we always doing this? Running round and round, always blindly putting our lives in danger. We risk everything daily and for what? Let’s face it, working in this part of town, all we really do is rescue the small lawbreakers from the big ones. Is it worth it? I have so much now, a new girl and Starsky, as always. He’s the best friend anyone could ever want. Is it worth it for me to lose him? For him to lose me? These guys we’re chasing could be anywhere.

But Hutch continued to walk in the open — three, four, five steps forward — lost in his thoughts, leaving his own instinctual warning unheeded.

Then three shots rang out to counter the near silence. Starsky ducked and ran for cover.

Hutch…

W-What?! Frozen, Hutch stood there for a moment, unable to move. Even the sight of the second bullet — or was it the third? — kicking up dust didn’t jar him from his self-imprisoned stance. He felt like his feet were encased in cement.

With the sound of the fourth bullet ringing through the air, he finally started to move. Where the hell do I go? He stalled again. Why can’t I remember even the simplest things? A fifth bullet ricocheted off something metal, barely missing his head. Hutch found himself finally running and then crouching behind a crate on the right side of the alley. His partner was on the left, protected by a dumpster.

What…? W-w-what, what in the hell was that all about? Oh, God… God! What was I thinking? Am I crazy? Stupid? Both? How Gillian smells… while we almost get our heads blown off? Damn it! What am I? Some fucking rookie? How could I do this to Starsky?

Breathe, breathe, Hutchinson. Come on now. He’s okay, you’re o —

“You okay?” Starsky asked him.

Am I? NO! NO! I’m… breathe, Hutchinson… calm… I’m… NONONO! What? No!

“Yeah.” Hutch answered.

Wrong answer, liar.

Damn those bullets. I don’t know. Am I okay? Can I ask you, Starsk? Before we go and get shot at again? Before we almost lose each other. Before I lose everything? I can’t…. Please Starsky, please wait until I can ask you before you —

“Cover me!” Starsky shouted and then he ran out from behind the dumpster.

NO! I’m not ready yet! Wait! Damn it! Don’t you dare shoot at him, you bastards!

But they did, and the sound of gunfire once again filled his ears.

Then silence.

Don’t look. Close your eyes.

Don’t…. Can’t…. Can’t look. Might see what I don’t want to. Don’t feel either. My deepest fear at last comes true. Shut ’em tight. I don’t want to see light if all that’s left for me is darkness.

Oh, God, Starsk —

“Hutch.”

He’s still there! Took on those fuckers, while the best I could do was hide my pitiful ass behind this fucking crate. It’s absurd. I could’ve gotten him… gotten him killed. Me! His partner. Hopelessly inadequate piece of… It won’t happen again, buddy. I won’t let you down. I know you wouldn’t have left me to get shot at, to take on those guys alone. But it frightened me, buddy. All of a sudden, I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid. I don’t want to get shot. I don’t want you shot either, ever. Once was enough. Oh, God, once was enough for a lifetime. But I didn’t react to you. I let you take them on without my cover and you almost —

THAT’S NOT THE WAY WE WORK!

I know… the way we work… think… I…. My gun. The metal feels so good in my hands. So strong. There’s power here. Power to protect you. Power to protect us and what we have. Power to prevent you from getting killed.

HA! Hutchinson, that’s a good one. A gun’s only useful if you use it. What a shit you are.

Shut-up! I need to think. Breathe, boy.

“Hey, Hutch.”

Buddy, mine, I’m here for you. I am. Really. I’ll make it up to you. We can plan. That’s right. We need to set this up. Set this scene up right. Hatch out a plan of action. I’ve been thinking of one right now.

Liar.

I have!

LIAR! You’re afraid. You said so just a moment ago.

I said shut-up! Wait! We need to work like always, buddy. In tandem, the way we work. Together. Simpatico. See, then I can prevent you from getting killed and my life from being turned upside down. There’s time, we have time, and I have a plan. I’ll tell you…

You never had to tell him before. Before, he just knew. You both knew what to do. What’s different this time, cop? How have you changed? Better yet, why are you changing? You better figure it out, Hutchinson. Quick. He might go after those guys again while you cower here contemplating. And this time you might not be so lucky. He could really get it. He might not make it without cover from you again. Hurry, what is it?

I know, but I’m afraid.

Of what?

Of….

“Ahhhh!”

Starsky’s yelling finally motivated Hutch to move out and away from the building and down the alley, running toward the sound of gunfire. But the guys they were chasing were gone. That was fine with Hutch. He just wanted to forget this whole miserable thing.

They’ve gone. Hutch took a deep breath. Good. I don’t want the bad guys this time. Let ’em go. They’d remind me too much of my failure in this partnership. I gotta sit.

“Never did see ’em. Did you?” Starsky asked.

Don’t wanna see ’em. Or anything else. Don’t make me examine this now. Please.

“I thought you got hit back there. What happened?” Starsky asked.

Ha. What happened? That’s the question of the moment. Answers, answers, anyone have an answer?

Well…

Not you! What happened back there? Oh, I don’t know, nothing much, buddy. Couldn’t you tell? Nothing much at all. I just froze for the first time in this partnership and almost got you killed. That’s all. No big deal. Sorry I failed you, Starsk, but I was just too scared of losing all the good things I’ve gained lately.

So you protect all those good things by freezing up? Come up with another one, cop.

“You’re shakin’,” Starsky said.

I’m scared, Starsk. My life has never been this perfect before. For once I have everything I’ve ever wanted. I’ve realized…. And now I’m afraid that… I’m going to lose it. That the balloon will burst. I’ll tell you, I think you’ll understand.

“I’m scared, Starsk. I’m scared.” That’s all I can say right now. Please understand me.

“Yeah. Me, too. Every time I pull this thing.”

NO! That’s not it! It’s more than that. So much more than that… you are so much more than that. To lose you? I… Can’t you see? It’s Gillian. But it’s more than her. So much more. It’s really you. It’s you and me and our lives together.

“That’s not what I’m talking about. I froze.” Down there. The scene of my crime. “For the first time, I got to thinkin’… I could’ve gotten you killed.” My fear almost killed you, partner.

“No way. See the way they took off?” Starsky asked.

Don’t make light of this, Starsky. Yell at me, hate me, damn it… but only for a moment. I hate myself for what almost happened to you. What if…?

“Yeah, but if they hadn’t! I didn’t move up the way you did. I didn’t cover you. I didn’t w – I-I didn’t work the way we work!”

“Forget it. Your mind was elsewhere.” Starsky said.

Oh, that’s rich, Starsk. I can hear it now. “Sorry. So sorry, Mrs. Starsky. Sorry that your son’s six feet under. I know it’s my job to protect him with my life and all that, but you see, at the time, my mind was elsewhere…”

“Ha.” Damn it, Starsk. Don’t stick up for me. Don’t make excuses. Not when I fuck up this badly. Not when I’ve just proven that I could cost you your life someday. Then where would I be, huh? I… I love you, and I know what you’re trying to do, but… but don’t. Don’t try to make this easy for me. Not when I —

“C’mon.” Starsky said heading out of the alley.

Oh, I’ll follow you, Starsky. I’ll follow you forever. I only hope that, after this incident, if you still want me to work the streets with you, our forever lasts a long time.

fin