Grin and Bear It

“Tell him, Hutch.”

Wide blue eyes met knowing brown ones.

“I seen you, how you were. Nothin’ you could hide then, him dyin’, you runnin’ after the one done it. Don’t worry ’bout me–the Bear can keep a secret. But you can’t.”

Still Hutch didn’t speak.

“Because there’s always next time. And you don’t know when that’ll be.” Huggy let that sink in. “He deserves to know how it is. You know. You know him.”

I know him, Huggy, and that’s why I can’t say anything.

He’s deeper than bone in me, deeper than dreams. I never see him when I’m dreaming, but he’s there all the same because there’s nowhere in my head or my life where he’s not. I feel him next to me when he’s not there. He’s my family. He’s my home.

Put another blindfold on me, Starsk, and maybe I’ll fall down the stairs again but I’ll always know where you are.

I fought it, fought so hard, wouldn’t sleep with him any more, wouldn’t tell him why, wouldn’t listen when he told me he wanted Kira, and though we’ve had threesomes and dated a woman at the same time this was different. I did ugly things, fed my own anger, drank too much, anything I could think of. Anything to make myself not care so much.

Couldn’t do it.

Can’t tell him so.

He can love me more than his life, he can have sex with me and I know he enjoys it, but he can’t love me, can’t prefer a man, can’t tie himself down, I guess, or really decide to do without kids and a little suburban home.

Can’t settle for me.

Not such a surprise. He’s not the first or even the second who couldn’t. After a while even I can’t blame them: some part of this has to be me, right? This can’t just be bad luck, not over and over.

He’s the closest, by a long shot. He hasn’t left or even died, yet, and even when I’ve gone down for the third time in despair and pushed him away as hard as I could, he’s never gone. Not too far away.

Never close enough.

Nothing I can do about that.

“Yeah, well, Huggy, thanks for the advice.”

“You take it.”

Hutch took a drink instead. When Huggy pursed his lips and turned away, Hutch knew he’d been understood.

**end**