I Can See Clearly

52

Hutch realises that Starsky has some things he needs to talk through after his brother’s visit.

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Hutch could see that Starsky was internally labouring over something that had deeply upset him. He had a fair idea it had something to do with Nicholas Starsky – the younger brother to his partner and best friend. Nick’s visit had been difficult in more ways than one. Hutch had hated seeing Starsky’s loyal heart sorely tested by his self-serving, morally challenged little brother. Not so little. A grown man who should know better and should be prepared to suffer the consequences of his own unwise actions.

Hutch knew that Starsky was blaming himself in some way for Nick’s choices and that just wasn’t right. Hutch wanted Starsky to realise the sad truth that he wasn’t his brother’s keeper but he was having trouble thinking of how to explain it so that his partner wouldn’t bite his head off out of misplaced family loyalty.

So for a few days they both kept silent on the subject, but each of them instinctively knew there were things that needed to be said out loud to clear the grey cloud that was hovering on the periphery. Several times Hutch went to start a conversation but thought better of it. He hoped he would know when the time was right and that it would happen soon.

The weekend arrived. Starsky washed and polished his car and then deliberated what to do with his free afternoon. He was sick of going over and over in his mind what had happened during Nick’s visit. He was sick of recalling the bitter conversation they had had. Nick’s words had hurt, leaving their barbs burrowing into his heart. But enough. It was time to think of something else.

Hutch had been very quiet this week, clearly chewing something over. It was time to set aside his own negative thoughts and check what was going on with his partner. Whatever it was, he was sure they could talk it out together.

Soon he was parking outside Venice Place and climbing the stairs. He knocked and then walked in. He could hear Hutch softly talking as he watered his plants and smiled to himself.

“Hey, pal!”

“Hey, Gordo.”

Hutch continued his watering routine but once or twice glanced over at his partner’s face.

“Everything all right?”

“Was gonna ask you the same thing.”

Hutch sighed.

“Guess we need to talk, huh?”

Hutch nodded. “Maybe we should go out for a walk.”

“That bad, huh?”

Hutch put his watering can down as he said, “Not bad. Difficult.”

“Okay. Let’s walk and talk it out, Blintz.”

*****

The two of them drove to their favourite stretch of shore line, where the only thing that might disturb their talk would be a seagull or two. They left their shoes on a beach mat and then headed, barefooted, towards the water. They stared out towards a ship in the distance and then silently began to stroll along, parallel to the waves.

“So?” Starsky asked.

Hutch took a deep breath then asked, “It worries me that you might be blaming yourself for how Nick has turned out. Are you?”

Starsky blinked, surprised that Hutch’s apparent problem was linked to his own problem, but a second later, he wasn’t surprised at all. This was just how it was.

He rubbed at his face before saying, “Yeah, I guess. I mean I’m his older brother. I shoulda looked out for him, kept in touch more, checked how he was doing. Maybe then he wouldn’t have made some of the choices he’s made.”

Hutch curbed the desire to shake some sense into his friend. Instead, he pointed out gently, “You were a young teenager when you left New York. Last time I checked teenagers aren’t expected to have adult responsibility for their siblings. You were nearly three thousand miles away so you couldn’t have kept an eye on him in any case.”

“I guess.”

“Your Ma was worried about you making some bad choices so she got you away from those influences. It’s not your fault that her choice got you out of that world but left Nick in it.”

Starsky paused and turned his attention to the waves rolling in. He was silent for a few minutes. Hutch let him have space so he could finally voice a question that had been bothering him.

“How come Ma didn’t spot the same thing was happening to Nick?” Starsky wondered softly.

Personally, Hutch thought she might have but had turned a blind eye, not wanting to make another incredibly hard decision that would mean uprooting her own life and leaving everything she knew behind. He didn’t say this out loud though. His friend found it hard enough to think even the slightest critical thought of his mother. If Hutch joined in, Starsky’s loyalty would kick in and the conversation would be over.

“Maybe Nick was good at hiding what he was doing. He can certainly talk his way out of most situations,” Hutch said wryly, trying to lighten the mood a little.

“True enough. He’s sure got the gift of the gab,” Starsky agreed.

“Your Mom did the best she could,” Hutch acknowledged. “It can’t have been easy. Widowed unexpectedly, grieving, suddenly forced into being a single parent. It had to be hard making decisions alone.”

Starsky nodded. “Yeah. Facing something like that alone is hard.”

Hutch nodded.

Starsky suddenly spoke, uttering words he had been thinking for days but never planned on saying outloud. Partly, because the words seemed unnecessary in many ways.

“You’re my brother, Hutch, in every real sense of the word. Nick’s my brother by blood and I’ll always go running if he needs my help but…I can see him clearly now. I know who he is…And I see you, pal. I know who you are too…You’ve always been my best friend, but you’re my brother, Hutch. Brother from another mother. Ain’t that how it goes?”

Hutch placed a hand on Starsky’s shoulder and nodded. “Sounds right. Or maybe more than that, maybe brother by choice as well.”

Starsky nodded.

“So can I give you some brotherly advice?”

“Sure.”

“Let the guilt go. Easier to say than to do, I know, but you need to set it down. Nick’s a grown man. His decisions have shaped his life. Just as your decisions have shaped yours. You can’t live his life for him. You can’t fix him. You can just support as best you can…but from a distance. That distance you feel between you isn’t a bad thing, it’s a shield for your loyal, caring heart.”

Starsky wiped at his eyes. “Thanks.”

Hutch pulled Starsky in for a hug then they started walking back up the beach.

“You make a good little brother,” Starsky said.

“Hey, I’m the big brother,” Hutch protested. “Wise beyond my years. You’re the little brother.”

Starsky playfully punched Hutch’s arm. “Wise beyond your years?” he mocked. “I don’t think so, Blintz.”

“Show some respect, Gordo.”

“Last one to the car buys pizza?” Starsky asked.

Hutch nodded and they both started running. Starsky made it to the mat first and slipped on his sneakers. Hutch had one boot on when Starsky grabbed the other one and ran towards the parking lot.

“No fair, Gordo!”

Starsky yelled over his shoulder, “All’s fair when it comes to pizza!”