Just Don’t Let Go

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He was proud of the work that Hutch was doing in the DA’s office as a senior lawyer, but it hurt Starsky to be cut out of that part of his life. It had never, in all the time they’d known each other, been like that for them.

 

Originally published in the zine, The Fix #22 in 2002.

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He’d lost track of exactly how many mornings he’d awoken like this, but he knew that it was entirely too many. Once again the pillow next to him was cold and empty. He could hear noises from in the hallway and he knew Hutch was getting ready to go to work. Rolling over to look at the clock, he saw that it was a quarter past six in the morning. Hutch hadn’t gotten home until close to midnight the night before and it wasn’t the first time. He’d lost track of how many late nights his partner had put in that month alone. He was proud of the work that Hutch was doing in the DA’s office as a senior lawyer, but it hurt Starsky to be cut out of that part of his life. It had never, in all the time they’d known each other, been like that for them. In their past life on the streets, they had both worked insanely long hours but since they worked it together, it never seemed to be a hardship. Even in the months after the shooting, it was always the two of them against the rest of the world.

Starsky’s inability to pass the department physical because of his diminished lung capacity meant the end of both their careers as street cops. As the reality of this set in they spent long hours in each other’s company, reminiscing about their shared past and making serious decisions about their future. The one thing they had known beyond all certainty was that whatever path they chose, they would continue to walk it together. They pooled their retirement pay and the money Starsky received in disability and both went back to school, Hutch to brush up on law and Starsky to try something that combined a few of his talents, photography and detective work. He wound up joining the forensics department, taking pictures and collecting evidence. It surprised him how much he enjoyed the niche he’d found and he liked the fact that he didn’t have to leave the force altogether. And somewhere along the line they’d fallen in love and chosen to spend the rest of their lives together.

Their drifting apart had been gradual and not conscious. It had gotten worse over the past six months or so as the normally high crime rate increased to outrageous levels. He knew that Hutch’s caseload had to be crushing just from the number of calls he’d been asked to handle lately but since Hutch never spoke to him about his files, he could only guess. Starsky had tried to talk to Hutch about it, had even gotten through enough once or twice to get him to cut back, for about a week before he had gotten drawn back into the same punishing schedule as before. The knowledge that Hutch wasn’t doing it intentionally didn’t make it hurt any less. They lived in the same house and slept in the same bed, and yet he missed his love so much. They’d fallen into a nasty cycle and there didn’t seem to be any way out of the circle. He thought about just letting it lie, but decided that it couldn’t hurt to try one more time.

“Hey Hutch,” he yelled down the hall.

“Yeah Starsk,” came the reply from the living room. Walking toward the front of their house to join his partner, Starsky asked, “Any idea what time you’re gonna be home tonight? I thought maybe we could go out and shoot pool or something, hang out together for a change.” He wasn’t holding out much hope that Hutch would be finished work anytime earlier then he was the night before, but he figured it was worth a try.

“I have no idea. This Alfredsson case keeps dragging on and then I’ve got to start prelim on two others and I know there’s at least two meetings that I can’t get out of this afternoon. I’m really sorry, babe.”

“Yeah, sure you are. Do you even remember that last time you got home before dark?”

“Come on Starsky, it’s not like we haven’t worked long hours like this before. What the hell am I supposed to do, let these assholes walk?”

“Long hours together are one thing, long hours separated are another, and one I don’t like very much. what’s more important here babe, us or the job?” In his frustration their usual endearment become one of anger, bordering on hatred, not for Hutch but for what had come between them.

“That’s not fair, Starsky. You’re just jealous that our office we gets all the coverage and nobody notices what you do.” came the reply in an equally angry tone.

“Trust me, I ain’t jealous of the work load you’re dying under or of half the idiots you work with and you know you couldn’t win half your cases without the evidence we give you, so don’t give me that shit. That’s not the problem here, and you know it.” That was enough to silence his partner for the moment.

“Hutch, what the hell happened to us? When did it become me vs you instead of me and thee? We can’t go on like this.”

“And this is all my fault, as usual, right?” Hutch wasn’t even sure that he meant what he saying any more. He just knew that he was being dragged in too many directions at once, that he was tired of forever playing catch up at work, tired of being so exhausted all of the time and most of all tired of all the time he was spending away from Starsky. But it seemed like there wasn’t anything that he could do about any of that, so he did what he always did. Took it out on the one innocent party in the whole fiasco, Starsky. And he hated himself for doing it. Or he would, if he had time to even feel. It seemed like his entire life was just one big treadmill and he was perpetually running just to try and keep from being thrown off.

“I’m not the one who let his job take over his life,” came the bitter reply. Not being able to stand staying still for another moment, he started to pace around the room, keeping a wide berth around Hutch. He was almost afraid that he’d haul off and hit him, just to get something across to the stubborn man.

“So I’m supposed to just walk away and quit, is that it?” Hutch was standing by the table near the door, holding his keys and looking like he was getting ready to bolt.

“Don’t you dare put words in my mouth. I didn’t say that. You’ve got to figure out either what’s more important to you or if you’re gonna do both, how in the hell you’re going to balance it all. I’m sick of having this argument with you and I’m sick of fighting and I’m sick of living with you and not having you here with me. This isn’t the first time we’ve had this argument but its gotta be the last. Something’s gotta give here and I’m tired of it being me.” This last outburst drained all the energy from Starsky’s body and he slumped back against the living room wall. Seemingly without conscious thought, he started to play with the silver wedding band he always wore, angrily twisting it around his finger. The metal left small red marks as it dug into his skin but at that point the pain was not among Starsky’s concerns. At least it felt like something to hold onto, when everything else seemed to be slipping out of his grasp.

In the lull that followed the storm, Hutch turned to look at him. In the quiet he softly pleaded, “Don’t, please don’t.”

Without looking up at him, Starsky asked, “Don’t what?” The edge in his voice scared Hutch but he managed to force out of his closed up throat, “Throw your ring at me.”

There was a long silence before Starsky answered him. He stood there in front of Hutch, still looking down at his left hand. Finally, only slightly above a whisper he asked, “So what’s more important here, babe?”

A long, strained silence followed. Breaking it was Hutch’s voice, “I have to go, I’m going to be late for work.” in a tone that was an eerily normal voice considering what just happened between them. Without a glance back, he left.

Slumping down to sit on the floor, Starsky muttered, “And I know damned well I won’t see you before midnight, if I’m lucky. And the point of all this is what, babe?”

This latest blowout was indicative of the norm for them of late. Starsky couldn’t help but think when the used to kiss each other goodbye. At first they take time for a long deep kiss or two or three. Then it dwindled down to just a short peck and in recent times he was lucky if Hutch said goodbye before he left. And other than a dropped name here and there, he had no idea what Hutch was doing. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust him, they had promised to be faithful to each other and there was no doubt in his mind that Hutch had kept that promise. Maybe it really was too good to last forever. They had had something special for all those years, and it had become stronger in the five years since the shooting. It had taken them far too long to build their home together, a home that involved far more than just the house they shared. He hadn’t expected the ongoing battle to hang on to what they had. It shouldn’t be so easy to break them, not after what they’d been through and what they’d built with each other over the years. He hated watching it all fall apart and the sensation that no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t do a damned thing about it.

Starsky sighed and decided he might as well get ready to go to work. He also decided he’d better start thinking about what to do for dinner that evening since he’d probably be on his own again.

Five hours later he was almost caught up with cataloging the pictures related to his most recent case, a nasty double homicide involving a married couple, when the phone rang. Picking up the receiver, he barked, “Forensics, Starsky,” in a manner that would have done his former captain proud.

“Hey babe, its me,” came a familiar and usually much welcomed voice. However, with the taste of that morning’s argument still fresh and the memories of their previous fights adding to the mix, Starsky was in no mood to be conciliatory.

“What do you want? I’m a busy man here. And I know you are too.”

“How busy can you be? They’re not going to get any deader,” he said, in the hopes of getting Starsky to laugh or at least sound a little less stressed. It didn’t work.

“Come on Hutch, what do you want already.” came the somewhat harsh reply.

Hutch figured he’d better get to the point before Starsky hung up on him. “I was wondering if you wanted to go out for dinner tonight at La Chara’s?”

After a long pause a slightly less gruff voice asked, “What time?”

“Six. I already made a reservation. And before you ask, I’m leaving here by 5:30 come hell, high water, or anything else they want to try and get me to do. You were right this morning, and you’ve been right every time you’ve tried to get me to pay attention to what I’ve been doing to us. You’ve been doing all the work, and its way past time I did my part.”

“I hope you don’t think that taking out to dinner is going to be enough to fix this mess. I don’t want another temporary truce, Hutch. I’ve had it.” he said in a resigned voice.

“I know, sweetheart. And I know I haven’t been acting like it, but I’ve had enough too. I’ll see you tonight.”

As they ended the call, Starsky couldn’t help but smile. After all these years, it still made happy just to hear Hutch’s voice. And he was more hopeful than he had been in a long time that they could get this worked out.

Hutch was true to his word. When Starsky walked into the restaurant at 2 minutes past 6, he was already there waiting at a table in the corner. A bottle of Starsky’s favorite wine rested in front of him and he looked up from his menu as his partner slid into the chair across from him. Although wary as to what exactly Hutch had in mind, Starsky was not about to start another fight, so he settled for a simple hello and reached for the other menu.

Hutch had thought about cooking one of Starsky’s favorite meals but decided that it was probably better to get out of the house and away from the scene of the crime so to speak. The house that they had bought and arranged together had been the scene of so many of their arguments of late. La Chara’s was where they had gone to celebrate the night they had settled on their place and he thought that would be an appropriate place to try and work things out. He knew Starsky would appreciate the sentiment, even if he wouldn’t admit it.

“What are you getting?” Starsky finally asked.

“Eggplant parmigiana,” Hutch answered, having decided on that partially because it sounded good and partially because he knew it would get a reaction out of Starsky.

“Ugh. Still don’t know how you can eat that stuff. I’m getting lasagna, at least that’s real food.” Some things truly didn’t change. But in the next minute, Starsky was guarded again and in a cooler voice he asked, “So what did you decide to do?”

“I told Redden and White that it was time that I put my marriage first and that I was either cutting down to part time or quitting altogether,” came the reply in a steady but determined voice.

Starsky couldn’t help the warm flush that came over him at the thought that Hutch had said this out loud and in public, not to mention admitted it openly to his bosses. Early on they had come to a compromise decision not to keep their relationship a secret but not necessarily to advertise what they were to each other either. They wore their rings in public and didn’t lie when asked, but didn’t volunteer it either. Even in the mid-eighties it was often safer that way.

“Right now, I have fourteen open cases.” He stopped as the waiter arrive with their food. At Starsky’s look of surprise, he continued, “Well, you know about all the budget cuts and we were short-staffed to begin with. They weren’t real happy that I actually left on time tonight, but right now, I don’t really care what they think.” Starsky smiled at that. “I managed to pass off about six of them and two are finished except for the final paperwork. With luck, I’ll be able to get the rest of them wrapped up in a few weeks and I’m trying to talk Teresa into taking another one or two. I’m done being a prosecutor. I don’t think I could give it up altogether, at least not yet. We’re not as young as we used to be…”

“Yeah, I know some of us are younger than others, Starsky interjected referring to the fact that he was the slightly older of the two. “But then again, some of us act younger than others, Blondie.”

Smiling at the jab, Hutch kept going, “But I don’t think either of us is ready to call it quits all together. I told them I’d be willing to do part time consulting, and I mean part time. Three days a week max, maybe two. And if they try to pull me back into what I’m doing now, I will quit. At any rate, it’ll be about two more weeks of hell but I’ll try and get home at a reasonable time at least some nights. Then, I figured we’d take a couple of weeks off and get out of here for a while. You can even pick the place, within reason.”

“You know your idea of reasonable and my idea of reasonable are two different things,” Starsky answered in a devilish tone.

“Well, you know, I like to live dangerously. I’ve been doing it all these years with you, why should now be any different?” Hutch fired back. It felt wonderful that they could tease each other like this, in a way that they hadn’t been able to for far too long. Falling back into the old, familiar routine was like rediscovering an old friend. In a sense it was exactly that, their friendship, the bedrock of their relationship, had been in as much danger of failing as their marriage had been. All at once as he left their house that morning, Starsky’s words repeating in his head, the reality of how he had been poising their relationship struck him. It had frightened Hutch that he was just then realizing how close they had come to losing it all, angered him that it was because of the choices he had made, and awed him that Starsky was strong enough to pull them both back from the edge. Still, after these years and all that Hutch had put him through, Starsky loved him enough not to leave him alone.

“Here, try some of this. It won’t kill you.” Hutch held out a forkful of eggplant and with a skeptical look on his face, Starsky leaned forward and gingerly tasted it. “Not bad. Still not real food though. Do you want some of this?” Responding to the eager look on Hutch face, Starsky reciprocated with a generous forkful of lasagna. “You just wanted a taste of my dinner,’ he accused.

“Yep,” came the answer with an accompanying smirk. “I’d rather kiss you to get a taste, but I don’t think that would go over so well with the other customers.” Glancing around at the mostly elderly couples sitting around them caused Starsky to answer, “Good thinking. But I plan on collecting when we get home.”

“Count on it.”

“So, how did you manage to pull all that off, get them to let you go to part time and all that. I would think that they wouldn’t let go of their star lawyer that easily. It’s not that I don’t believe you, babe, but I hope you mean it this time. I know why you do it, you see all this bad stuff going on and its just like that big heart of yours to want to fix it all. But you can’t. You deserve a life… we deserve a life. We’ve done our bit, at least of the heavy lifting. I’m not telling you to quit, but I love the idea of you cutting back.” He took a deep breath and looked from his plate to look straight at Hutch, “If you actually do it this time. I wanna trust you, but …”

“Stark, I can’t blame you, I haven’t exactly given you good reason to trust me about this . But I meant what I told them, this comes first. What I have with you is the most important and I am very sorry that I lost sight of that. I promised you I’d to put you first and I haven’t kept that promise. That changes now. Once I get through this backlog, then I’ve tried my last case. No more. Unless they let Gunther’s sorry ass out. Of course they wouldn’t let me have that one anyway.”

“Major conflict of interest on that one.”

“About as major as you can get, ” Hutch agreed, smiling. “Guess I’d just have to shoot him.” Finishing up his last bite of eggplant, he continued. “Among other things, it’s way past time I got back into the greenhouse. As badly as I’ve neglected the poor guys, I’ll probably have to start all over.”

“I tried, watered them and all, but they don’t like me as much.”

“That’s because they have taste, Gordo.”

“Yeah, you’ll be lucky if they remember what you look like. Hell, I’m lucky I remember what you look like.”

“Well, now I’ll have plenty of time to remind you. In great and repeated detail.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Starsky laughed, holding up his glass to clink it against Hutch’s. After they had both taken a drink and settled back Starsky said, “You know I wouldn’t have left you.”

“I wouldn’t have blamed you if you had.”

“I wasn’t even thinking about throwing my ring, or even taking it off. I was just kinda playing with it, you know, to remind me of what we promised each other. I remember helping you find Van’s when she threw it at ya a time or two.”

That had been one of Vanessa’s favorite tricks. She used to do that to him often after a particularly bad fight. Every time she’d done it he’d gone looking for her ring and given it back to her, but she hadn’t let him put it back on her finger. She took it back from him without a word and a day or two later put it back on herself. That usually happened before she went out with her friends, it wouldn’t do to let on that the Hutchinsons had a less than perfect marriage.

On impulse he reached across the table and gently picked up Starsky’s left hand. He slowly brought it up to his lips and gently kissed the shining band that rested, as it had since Hutch had put it there, on Starsky’s finger.

Starsky being Starsky laughed at him, of course, but his eyes were smiling and Hutch knew the gesture meant as much to his partner as it did to him. He lowered their joined hands back to the table but didn’t let go.

“So, do you want me to quit or cut back too? I can you know. I’ve got about as much seniority as anyone, counting our time on the streets and all.” He squeezed Hutch’s had as he was speaking, enjoying the contact between them.

“You have to do what you want but your work schedule is much more reasonable then mine, always has been. I’ve always envied how you managed to get everything in your life balanced and keep it that way.”

“I still really like the idea that what I do, what we both do, backs up what the guys who are still out there on the streets do. It’s kinda of like paying back the guys who helped us when we were out there.” Starsky always had a way of seeing things with such clarity and with such a sense of fairness, something else that Hutch envied.

“And I like the idea that its something that we can both still do,” he continued. “I want to know more about what you’re working on. I know you can’t give me all the gory details but just a general idea of what you’re up to would be nice.”

“I promise I’ll let you in on things, but not tonight. Tonight I want to enjoy a night with my love.”

“And who what that be?” Starsky said in a teasing voice, pretending to look around the restaurant.

“I guess I’ll just have to show you. Ready to go home?” Starsky nodded in agreement, and they rose as one.