Last Words

1K

Missing scene from “The Plague.”

 

Also archived on the Bay City Library Archive on 8/3/2003 here.

---

He was losing ground fast. Judith knew it. I knew it, and worst of all, Hutch new it. He’d been given the serum three days ago. I watched as most of the other victims of this damn plague got better and went home. I was there when Helen Yeager took her son Richie home. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy for them. It’s just that — well, every time I saw the others getting better and were well enough to be discharged from the hospital it actually scared me. It was a constant reminder that my partner wasn’t getting any better. He was actually getting worse. Anyway, I don’t mean to sound selfish and my last words to them always included well wishes and encouragement. I really was happy for them. What really scared me were the ‘last words’ I had to exchange with family members and friends of those who — who didn’t make it. This was hard. I swear, if anything happens to Hutch, no one will be able to help me. God, I need to stop thinking like this. I’m just really scared is all.

One man who didn’t make it was elderly and another was a boy in his 20’s. The younger one had been in remission from Leukemia when the plague hit. He didn’t really have a chance right from the start.

Sorry, I’m rambling. I usually talk to Hutch when I’m scared. He has this gift — this ability to always make me feel better no matter what the situation is, or how upset I am. I really need him now. I’m praying real hard, harder than ever, that He won’t take Hutch away from me. I don’t know what to do. I have to be strong for him. I have to make him fight.

Well, the nurse just came out of Hutch’s room and told me I could go in to see him. Thanks for listening to me — and — and please — please keep him in your prayers.

~~~

God, it was hard to see him like this. When I opened the door, his head lolled to the side and he looked at me. How he knew it was me every time I went into his room, I’ll never know, but he did. He’s been so tired lately. Stayin’ alive is taking every bit of energy he has left. I saw the moisture collecting in his eyes just before he closed them and turned his head away.

Okay Starsky — keep it together — don’t lose it in front of him. He needs me to be strong for him, and I can’t let him down. Not now. Not ever.

Next thing I knew I was holding his hand, and while I searched for my voice, I found myself gently rubbing away a stray tear with my free hand.

“Aw Hutch, what’s wrong buddy?”

He just shook his head, still not looking at me. Then his shoulders started to shake. He was crying. I touched his chin and carefully turned his face toward mine.

“Talk to me Hutch. Tell me what’s wrong.”

More tears. More shaking. More pain. I just wanted to hold him and rock him. He was so weak, too weak to keep his emotions from spilling over. That’s when the crying became audible. He wasn’t sobbing, he didn’t have the strength for that. The drawn out, subtle whimpers sounded so painful, so full of sorrow. It broke my heart to see him so sad. I tried again.

“C’mon buddy. It’s me you’re talking to.”

I tried to smile.

“You’ll feel better if you get it out.”

I rested my hand along the side of his face. God, he was hot. He did look like a little boy. A little boy who didn’t feel well — but still wanted to go out and play with his friends — but couldn’t. Kind of like when you’re so tired that you can’t sleep.

“C’mon.” I urged him.

“I — I can’t.”

“Yes you can. Aw Hutch, lemme help you.”

The tears kept rolling. He didn’t even try to wipe them away. He knew I’d do it for him. How’d I get so lucky — to have this man’s total trust? In life — and even in — even in death. Damn, now my eyes are burning. I took the hand I was holding into both of my hands and put my head down on them. I didn’t want to push him to talk if he didn’t want to.

We stayed in that position for a long time. Well, actually it was just a couple of minutes. I thought he’d fallen asleep, but looked up when I felt his hand grip mine harder. He was looking at me. Not just into my eyes, but into my soul.

“I’m sorry, Starsk. I’m so sorry.”

I was confused. What would Hutch have to be sorry for? I should have known what was coming. See, my partner can find a way to blame himself for anything. Thing is, he’s the kindest, most caring person I’ve ever known. We were working on that “guilt” stuff he’s always feeling before — before he got this virus and got so sick.

“Hutch?”

“I — I disappointed you. I let you down, Starsk. I’m so — so sorry.”

So, that was it? Now the big lug had me crying.

“Hutch.” I searched for the right words and tried again. I needed a quick recovery. “Babe — none of this is your fault.”

I wiped away more of his tears. God, he was so hot, and his face was all flushed, from fever and from crying. I tried to keep things light, and did my best to smile.

“You’re somethin’ else, you know that?”

Hutch knew where I was coming from. Then he brought his eyes up to meet mine again and I saw him starting to smile. Now he got it — finally. That’s my partner for ya. Sometimes things just take a while — and a good talking to, to sink in.

“What am I gonna do with you huh?”

I started brushing at the hair that was stuck to his face, from crying and sweat, and absentmindedly started tucking them behind his ear.

More seriously then, I told him again that none of what was happening was his fault, and that he could never let me down. He nodded in agreement.

I grabbed a cool cloth from the basin on his bedside table and started bathing his face and neck. The moisture dried into his skin immediately. I knew his fever was spiking again.

“Feels good.” He told me in his raspy voice. “Don’t leave me, Starsk.” He whispered as he drifted back to sleep. He just didn’t have any energy left, and was physically and emotionally exhausted. I continued to bathe his face and neck with the cool cloth. It seemed to relax him and it was the least I could do. I felt so helpless and useless at not being able to stop this infection that was torturing my partner and making him suffer so much. I was angry with myself too. There should have been a way — I should have been able to protect him from this! Why’d it have to be Hutch? Why not me? Why didn’t I get sick? I must have failed somewhere — missed something — wasn’t paying attention. I wasn’t protecting him! I came out of my reverie when Hutch started to moan.

“Okay — It’s okay Hutch.”

I rang for the nurse. I know he’s trying to be strong — for me. I can’t ever remember seeing him — hearing him, in so much pain. Isn’t it enough that he can’t breathe! God I want to be able to do something for him. I re-wet the washcloth and started bathing his face and neck again.

His back was arching from the pain. I didn’t know how much more he could take. It’s so hard, you know? I don’t want to lose him, and I don’t want to see him suffering like this. I just — Aw Hutch.

“Starsk?”

“Yeah babe — right here. I’m right here.”

“I hurt Starsk. I can’t make it stop — Starsk.”

I left the chair and sat on the bed and pulled him into my arms. By this time he was crying, moaning and writhing in pain. His body was burning with fever. He’d reached his limits, and I was scared. I just held him and rocked him, and — and held on tighter. I told him that everything would be okay. I didn’t know what else to do. He cried out my name just before his body went rigid and he started to seizure. He wouldn’t respond to — couldn’t respond to me. I thought he stopped breathing! My partner was dying, right here in my arms!

“Hutch? Hutch! HUTCH!!!”

Then I screamed for the nurse. Judith must have been nearby, because she came running in to the room when I yelled — just as Hutch’s body went lax.

“Hutch — Hutch — No — please be okay!”

I kind of lost it. In the distance I heard Judith telling me that I had to let him go. I couldn’t — I wouldn’t — I’d never let him go!

“Come on Dave. Ken is okay. He’s still with us. Come on now, I need to examine him. You can have him right back.”

Something must have gotten through. Hutch was still alive. If Judith could do anything to help him, I wanted her to do it.

~~~

It was a long night and I fell asleep holding on to him. I willed him to live. I woke up hours later when I felt something moving on top of me. I thought they were trying to take him away from me again. Had something else happened? I opened my eyes only to see my partners. He was awake. He didn’t question why I was on the bed with him; he just put his head back down on my chest and put his arm around me as best as he could and squeezed, like he couldn’t get close enough. I returned the hug and told him I loved him. I didn’t care about ‘soapy scenes’ at that point. My partner was alive!

~~~

Judith told me later that morning that Hutch’s latest lab results were looking better. She said it was a miracle, but Hutch had turned a corner and she really felt he would be okay. He had a long recovery in front of him, but he’d be all right.

“Thank God,” I responded. I didn’t trust my voice to say much more at the time. I could tell she understood. She smoothed back Hutch’s hair and then tousled mine a little bit, telling me I had to get some rest too.

I gotta admit that I didn’t like her all that much at first, but now she was like royalty in my book. She helped to save my best friends life. I’ll never forget her for that.

~~~

I was able to take Hutch home about a week later. I’d be staying with him for a while of course. He was still very weak and would be on a lot of medications for some time to come. I didn’t want him to do anything but relax and get better. I planned on enjoying spoiling him rotten. Once again, we’d beat the odds.

~~~

Well, I have to run now. Hutch is having an argument with the remote control for the new TV I got him for his bedroom, and it sounds like the remote control is winning. I gotta show the guy how to do everything — and I’m damn glad to be able to do it.

We’re gonna be okay now. I thought we said our last words to each other in that hospital room. Well, I really better go now. I think the remote control just flew across the room. My partner is getting better and I can’t remember ever being more thankful in my entire life.

END