Because of trust issues, Starsky and Hutch split up.
Originally published in the zine, Double or Nothing 3 in 2002.
Dara Rose wrote this note on the Me and Thee Archive on 12/04/2004: This one of the last I wrote before my little hiatus. I’m in the middle of a new story now and I think my writing style has changed, I hope for the better. I doubt I will ever write a zine story again. It’s a little too much like work.
I bless the day I found you,
I want to stay around you,
And so I beg you,
Let it be me.
Don’t take this heaven from one,
If you must cling to someone,
Now and forever,
Let it be me.
Each time we meet, love,
I find complete love,
Without your sweet love,
What would life be?
So never leave me lonely,
Tell me you love me only
And that you’ll always
Let it be me…G. Becaud, M. Curtis, P.Delanoe
~~**~~
“Terrific,” groused Dave Starsky as he ripped a sheet of finished report out of the typewriter and it tore in two. He’d been trying so hard to get things cleared up so he could get home early and now it looked like he’d have to do this one over. “Screw it!” he decided. He slapped a big piece of scotch tape on it, slipped it on the bottom of the pile, threw the whole works into Dobey’s inbox and grabbed his leather jacket. He almost made it to the door before the booming voice stopped him.
“STARSKY!”
He winced as he turned to face the dark brown eyes that were scrutinizing him.
“Just leaving, Cap’n.”
“You tell that partner of yours happy birthday, Starsky, okay? I hope he enjoyed his day off on the city.”
“I’ll tell him, Cap!”
“And you, get some sleep, you look like you could use some. You two better not be out all night celebrating, then drag your sorry asses back here in the morning!”
“Yes, Cap!” he called back as he was rushing out of the squad room.
On the way home, all he could think about was Hutch. This was going to be the first birthday either of them had celebrated since they’d sat together and admitted the impossible, that they not only loved each other, but were “in love” with one other, something Hutch had recognized first. Then he’d taken the initiative to introduce his partner to the facts. That first night had been incredible and they’d found that they couldn’t get enough of each other. The partnership that had been there all the time had just moved into a new phase, a “wholeness” that bordered on perfection, except for one thing, as far as Starsky was concerned, Hutch’s possessiveness. The big blond was having trouble getting his mind around the fact that his dark-haired lover was willing to enter into a committed relationship with him. Starsky didn’t understand how the man could trust him to stand at his back and risk his life to protect him, and then find it so difficult to believe that he could give up women in favor of his partner. Hutch’s insecurities were beginning to wear on him.. He wasn’t used to having to answer for every minute of his day and he was starting to feel a little resentful. The tension was there, but he was determined to give his friend the best birthday celebration ever, followed by the most intense night of love-making the man had ever experienced.
He heard the phone ringing as he ran up the steps. He hit the front door, dove over the couch and caught it in mid-ring.
“Starsky,” he panted breathlessly.
“Hey, partner, where are you?”
“Just got home, birthday boy. I have to take a shower and make myself gorgeous for ya. Did you feel a little guilty luxuriating while I did all your paperwork, Blondie?”
“Nah, never gave it a second thought, Gordo. Just enjoyed the chance to unwind. What got into Dobey, anyway, giving me my birthday off as a present?”
“He’s gettin’ soft in his old age, partner, what can I say?” In truth, Starsky had asked for the day for Hutch and sworn Dobey to secrecy, even forging the papers necessary for the files. The team had been pushing it pretty hard lately and he thought it would do Hutch good to have a day to himself. He had his own ulterior motives. He wanted his lover good and rested for the night he intended to give him.
“Starsk? I’m lookin’ forward to tonight.”
“Me, too, buddy, so let me get going. I’ll pick you up in about an hour, okay?”
“I’ll be waiting.”
Starsky hung up, chuckling at the wistful quality in Hutch’s voice. He’d never realized what a sensual side the man had to his nature and it felt good to be the one who was able to bring those feelings out in his lover. He hit the shower with the beginnings of an erection and wondered if he was going to be able to get through the evening without falling on his partner and taking him in public. He left the shower and walked into the bedroom, towelling his hair dry. Suddenly he was grabbed from behind and thrown down on the bed. The towel was ripped from his hair and he inhaled the intoxicating woodsy scent of Hutch’s aftershave.
“Dammit, Hutch, you were supposed to be waiting at your place. What the hell are you doing here?”
Hutch let him turn over, laughing wickedly. “It’s my birthday and I didn’t want to have to wait to unwrap all my presents, so I called from the phone booth around the corner. What’s this, anyway?” he asked, indicating the way the towel wrapped around his partner’s waist seemed to have taken on a form all its own.
“Just something you didn’t give me time to gift-wrap, you idiot. You scared the crap out of me, sneaking up on me like that! What would you have done if I’d shot you?”
“What, with that? You don’t seem to be wearing your gun right now, officer. In fact, you don’t seem to be wearing much of anything at all, if I might make an observation.”
“You learn those amazing detective skills at the academy, Hutchinson?”
Hutch growled and ripped the towel away from the dark-haired man.
“They did teach me when I had the advantage over my opponent. Want me to show you?”
Without waiting for an answer, he lowered himself over the other man and brought his mouth down to claim the other’s lips. Starsky whimpered as Hutch thrust his tongue in to explore, then withdrew it to nip lightly with his teeth. Starsky grasped the blond’s head and brought it back down to his mouth and gave him a deep, penetrating kiss of his own, the two tongues sparing with each other for more attention.
Hutch broke free, slid down a little and started suckling on the bronzed column of Starsky’s neck, smirking as he elicited little, panting moans from the other man. He left a trail of red marks that would really piss Starsky off when he got a look at them later. He then licked his way back up and went to work on an earlobe, biting it lightly until he had his lover squirming and groaning. He nibbled until he had reddened the nub of flesh nicely, then started in on the other one until he’d duplicated the exact color.
“You know how hot you get me, baby?” Hutch murmured in a husky voice.
Starsky heard, but hoped it was a rhetorical question because there was no way he could have found his voice right at that particular moment.
The blond detective reached his hands under his lover and ran his fingers up and down the man’s back, feeling the tight, corded muscles just under the surface of the smooth, supple skin. He caressed the lush ass that lured and fascinated him, igniting fire within his partner as he ran his fingers between his buttocks and teased the opening he found there. Hutch wanted more with all his heart, but knew Starsky wasn’t ready, might never be ready for that, so he moved on, intent on massaging and relaxing his dark-haired lover.
He slid his body lower, attacking a sensitive brown nipple with his tongue, making it peak, then nipping at it until his partner started ineffectually pulling at him, to stop him so he could try to get in on the action. Gently slapping his hands away, he switched to the other nipple, continuing to kiss and nuzzle until that one, too, stood at attention. Starsky moaned with need and once again tried to pull Hutch back up, but was not any more successful this time. He started to say something, but Hutch covered his mouth with his hand and put his lips to the wriggling man’s ear.
“Now, now, officer, remember, it’s my birthday,” he whispered. “You’re the present, so you just have to lie there and be a good boy while I get to do what-ever I want.”
Hutch smoothed the dark, curly hair back from his partner’s forehead with his other hand and dropped a kiss there, while giving him a particularly evil leer. Starsky’s eyes widened and he immediately stopped struggling. He knew that when Hutch got like this, hot Viking blood overcame cool Nordic upbringing, and the best thing Starsky could do was lay back and enjoy it. Damn, the man must have been thinking about this all day. The big hand was replaced by the softly-moustached mouth and Starsky went back to his quiet whimpering, which only made the blond more aroused, if possible. The smaller man knew that he’d lost any control that he might have had over the situation, which gave him permission to relax and take pleasure in whatever was in store for him.
Hutch ran his hands all over the softly-furred chest and abdomen, while Starsky found his fingers in his partner’s hair and held on to the silken strands, holding the head in place for a few moments while he looked deeply into the light-blue eyes that looked back into his soul, their soul, he thought. He felt Hutch’s eyes penetrate him, knowing that his partner saw him for everything he was and still loved him.
“Baby blue,” he sighed deeply, then smiled, knowing that the nickname made Hutch wild with desire.
Starsky moaned deeply as the blond attacked his navel and started licking it, penetrating the crevice with his tongue. Hutch looked up at the erotic sight of his lover thrashing his head back and forth and making panicky, animal-like moanings in his throat. He smiled at the sounds. He thought he would never get used to the variety of noises that his less-inhibited partner made during the course of their foreplay. Hutch raised himself and cupped the tight buttocks and brought Starsky closer to him, rubbing his hard, thrusting erection. The dark-haired man murmured against his chest, then groaned as he was released suddenly.
It took some doing, but Hutch was able to free his own aroused and leaking cock from the constriction of underwear and cords and kick them loose. Then he went back to plundering the other’s naked body, running his tongue over Starsky’s inner thighs, reaching the sensitive sac, which threw the man into a sudden frenzy of activity. He paid careful attention to both round spheres, running his tongue over each in turn before focusing his attention on his ultimate goal, licking the thick, dusky cock up and down, then running his tongue around the crown, tasting the pre-cum that lingered there. Finally he took it into his mouth and pulled at it, feeding it deeply into his throat. He rubbed his own fiery red phallus on the bed, cupping it with his hand, creating a rhythm that they were both soon caught up in. He gave the man under him no mercy until he finally cried out Hutch’s name, triggering a response from his own body, causing him to ejaculate all over the spread, even as he swallowed every drop that his partner had to offer him.
After a short time of gasping, Starsky raised himself up on one elbow. “What in hell did ya do that for? I was supposed to be making you feel good tonight.”
Hutch chuckled, “Just for the record, my friend, there’s a wet spot the size of Lake Michigan down here by the foot of the bed. Where the hell do you think that came from? If I’d have felt much better, we’d have both floated away!”
“But, I mean…, Hutch, I had an agenda.”
“I know what you mean, babe, you’ll get your agenda, I’ve been looking forward to this all day. I’m going to hop in your shower and you’re going to clean up and get your ass dressed so we can go get this night started. I expect to be wined, dined and gifted with everything my heart desires.”
“I’m beginning to think that I shoulda called in sick today. I’m never gonna make it through the night.” Starsky was left muttering to himself.
~~**~~
Huggy’s was busy for a weeknight, but he’d been expecting them and motioned them to their favorite booth, which he’d been guarding like a rabid animal, chasing customers away by the score.
“Hutch, my man, birthday congratulations are in order! I’ve saved a bottle of champagne just for the occasion. What’s with tall, dark and lifeless, here?”
Hutch slid in next to his partner, who’d already dropped onto one of the seats. He caressed Starsky’s thigh under the table. “Oh, he’s all right, Hug, he should start reviving any minute now.”
“Are you crazy?” Starsky growled after Huggy had taken their order and left. “Or are you just trying to kill me? What’d you do all day, eat aphrodisiacs, or somethin’?”
“It’s aphrodisiacs, Starsk, and I don’t need ’em. All I have to do is think about you and I together and I’m ready, buddy.”
“Well, give me time to catch up with ya, will you?”
“Sure, no problem, babe.” Hutch playfully poked him in the arm and made a point of looking at his watch. Starsky groaned.
They’d both ordered steaks and the rich smell and taste of red meat revitalized Starsky, but the champagne went to his head almost immediately. He knew he was tired and that he was getting mellow a little too fast, but he was having fun. Huggy joined them for awhile and they talked about old times. Hutch had some laughs about the scrapes his two friends had gotten into and out of before he’d met them.
He loved to watch his partner when he was enjoying himself like this. He was irresistible. His exuberance lit up the bar and he turned heads. People, even those he didn’t know, were just drawn to him. It took everything Hutch could muster not to take the man’s face in his hands and turn it toward him and kiss the lush lips to stop them from talking and give them something better to do. He felt himself growing hard again and wondered how Starsky was able to affect him like this. It hadn’t started out that way. When they’d met in the academy, Hutch had been put off by the ragged-looking moptop with the nasal Bronx accent. If anything, he was the exact antithesis of Hutch himself. When he found out they were going to be roommates, he’d even thought of quitting, giving up, going back to the life his dad had wanted for him. But as Starsky struggled with the academics, determined to do well on the exams, which came hard for him, he found himself caught up in pushing the young cadet to excel. He grudgingly admired the man’s driving abilities and his performance on the shooting range was virtually unbeatable. He fought with the tenacity of a street punk and beat every other cadet in the self defense courses. It wasn’t long before Ken Hutchinson had to admit that he’d been wrong in judging a book by its cover.
After the academy, they’d had to go their separate ways. Starsky had landed at Metro under Captain Dobey, while Hutch drew one of the Beverly Hills precincts, which was the only thing holding his shaky marriage together. Still, they’d found a way to see each other as often as possible, to the disgust of Vanessa, Hutch’s wife, who saw Starsky as a “thorn in her side” from day one. Their divorce had been the best thing that ever happened to Hutch as far as he was concerned. When Starsky requested him as a partner and brought him over to Metro, that had been one of the happiest days of his life. Looking at his partner right now, though, he knew true happiness. They’d come through some tough times all the way to this point, where they were everything to each other. They needed nobody else to make them complete.
He was startled to see that Starsky had ordered another bottle of champagne while he’d been day-dreaming. The other detective was insistent on toasting Hutch every few minutes. At first he was amused, but as he saw his evening going down the drain, the blond began to get disenchanted, if not annoyed with his partner’s actions and tried hard to slow him down.
“Starsk, hey, Starsk, slack off a little! You’re gonna get shitfaced and I’ll be forced to drag you out of here and spend my evening listening to you snore. No, no more!” he scolded as Starsky reached for the bottle again
“Jeez, Hut-ch, wha’re you, my mom? Gimmee a break here, I’m jus- gettin’ started.”
“Oh, no, you’re cut off, that’s what you are, buddy. I’m not lugging your ass out of here over my shoulder.” Hutch got up to find Huggy and get him to make some really strong coffee for the inebriated detective. He took the remainder of the champagne with him.
Starsky was busy wondering why the booth at Huggy’s should be moving around in comfortable, lazy circles when a soft, sweet voice made everything stand still.
“Dave, David Starsky? It is you. It’s so good to see you again.”
Starsky looked up to see an angel. No, it was only August, nowhere near Christmas yet. But here was this beautiful golden-haired seraph with huge blue eyes looking down at him like he was a side of beef in a butcher shop. She had the most luscious red lips and a body that was his perfect 38-24-36. He knew this woman, hell, he’d slept with this woman. If he could just think where and when. Then he felt his body stir in remembrance.
“O’Reilly, Dee O’Reilly. I used to be in the traffic division at Metro until a couple years ago. Now I’m in Vice at the14th. Don’t you remember me, we dated for awhile?” There was a wistful quality in her voice that hinted that it hadn’t been her decision that they stop seeing each other.
Starsky finally put two and two together in his alcohol-fogged brain and came up with what he felt was close enough to four to suit him.
“Officer O’Reilly, uh, Dee, oh yeah, I r-member. Hey, how ya doin’?”
“Great, can I buy you a drink or something? Or are you here with someone?”
“Just Hut-ch, uh, ya remember him, dontcha, my partner?” There had been no love lost between the two of them, Starsky recalled, all of a sudden. They’d seemed to have it in for each other from the minute they met. Of course, she had been giving his partner a parking ticket at the time.
“How about that drink?”
“Should be askin’ you that, shouldn’t I?”
“Really, David, with women’s lib and all, it’s perfectly okay for me to buy you a drink. Beer, right? I’ll go get us one.”
She was back before he was able to think about what he was doing and set a beer down in front of him. He didn’t want to appear impolite, so he downed about half of it quickly. It got the warm glow started again in a hurry and he finished it off.
“David! Listen! You always loved to dance to that song. I haven’t been with anyone since you that could really dance. C’mon, dance with me!”
To his credit, Starsky knew he was treading on dangerous ground and tried to resist, but she pulled him up and onto the dance floor before he knew what was happening. Hutch came back to the booth bearing coffee to find two beer glasses, one empty and one full and his partner all over a hot-looking blonde on the dance floor. They were glued so tightly together, you couldn’t have slipped a condom between them. When he got an inkling of who the blonde was, his blood started to overheat like the LTD in 90 degree weather. He stalked over to where they were and yanked Starsky by the arm away from the young woman.
“O’Reilly,” he acknowledged, with clenched teeth. “I think my partner’s had about all the celebrating he’s going to be doing tonight, so you might as well just run along.”
“Hey, Hut-ch, ‘s rude.”
“You’re gonna think rude when I get you home, buddy,” also said through clenched teeth. “Let’s go out and get some air, okay? Right now!” He dragged the unresisting man off the dance floor, through the kitchen and out the back door, leaving Huggy standing there with his mouth open.
Once outside, he pinned Starsky against the wall and grabbed him by the chin, forcing him to look in his eyes..
“What’s going on, pal? I leave for ten minutes and come back to find I’ve been replaced?”
Starsky was caught by surprise and unsure of the question, let alone being called upon to actually come up with an answer.
“Re-placed? I was just…just”
“I could see what you were just doing. The same thing you’ve done as long as I’ve known you, charming the pants off some little bitch!”
“Bitch? S’not a very nice thing t’say about a fellow officer, ya know?”
“Which officer were you planning to take home tonight, Starsky, which one of us were you gonna do, me or her?”
“Hutch, how can you even ask that? Ya know we promised to be exclusive.”
“That didn’t look very exclusive to me. Were you going to use that old excuse about her not having a ride and take her home first, then come back to me when you were finished? Just what the hell do you think you’re doing to me, buddy-boy? Do you think I’m going to stand for you layin’ every woman you want and then coming home to me whenever you have a free minute to spare? You got another think comin’, hot shot!”
The cool air swirling around his head and Hutch’s angry voice yelling at him sobered the dark-haired man up fast. Blue fire erupted from his eyes.
“Oh, for God’s sake, Hutch, grow up, it was harmless! I’m gettin’ a little fed up with this bullshit of yours. I gotta tell you everywhere I go and practically call in every hour. I need a lover, not a mother! I ain’t got any interest in O’Reilly or any other woman. I love you! If you can’t get that into your head, then maybe we shouldn’t even be talkin’!”
Hutch’s pale-blue eyes blinked once and clouded up like a storm over the Pacific.
“You know, Starsk, that’s the smartest thing you ever said. I’ll find my own ride home.” He turned on his heel and walked away down the alley.
Starsky jumped when a hand landed on his shoulder. He turned to see Huggy standing there.
“Well, what in hell’s wrong with you? Go after him, man! Don’t just let him walk away like that!”
“No way, Hug. I’m not putting up with his insecurities anymore. I didn’t do anything wrong. Let him come to me.”
Starsky decided not to go home yet. He went back to find O’Reilly and apologize to her for the way they’d treated her. They started talking about police work and a couple hours went by before he headed for his car to leave. When he got home, the phone was ringing. He had a pretty good idea who it was.
“Talk to me, Hutch,” he answered.
“You just can’t leave ’em alone, can you, Starsk? You love me, but women have something that I can’t give you, that I’ll never be able to give you. I can’t deal with that, man. I’m requesting a new partner tomorrow. I just wanted you to hear it from me first.” Hutch sounded resigned and also very sure of what he’d made up his mind to do.
“Dammit, Hutch, can’t we talk this over? I know you’re mad, but another partner? Don’t I at least get the chance to tell you how I feel about it?”
“No, ’cause I can’t look you in the eyes and refuse you anything. That’s what you do to me, but I’m not going to let you use me like a “two-dollar whore,” Starsky. I can’t do that and respect myself. Just let it go, let it die, right here, right now.”
“Hutch…” The phone line went dead. The dark-haired detective sat holding the receiver to his chest as if it were a knife buried in his heart.
~~**~~
His entrance into the squad room the next morning was punctuated by Dobey’s voice yelling his name as if he were on another continent. He stepped into the office to find Hutch already there and waiting. Wondering if he would get a blindfold and a last cigarette, he sat down in the chair indicated by Dobey’s beefy right hand. He snuck a sidelong look at Hutch, but the man’s head was fixed in another direction, immobile and totally opposed to the idea of turning to look into the eyes of his partner.
Dobey moved to shut the office door, for whatever good that would do, given the volume of his voice when he turned to face his best detective team.
“Okay, I don’t have the time to waste here figuring out what in hell’s going on with you two. Who’s going to tell me exactly what I want to know? This idiot tells me you want new partners. Is this true?”
Starsky flashed a quick look at Hutch. Partners? Trust him to decide to make it a unanimous decision, put words in his mouth that he didn’t, wouldn’t have said! That made his blood boil.
“Okay, yeah, that’s right, Cap’n!” he snapped, ignoring the twinge he felt in his gut when he saw Hutch turn and stare at him.
“Would you mind telling me how in hell you decided this?” Dobey yelled, practically in his face.
“We found out we’re just incompatible, Cap’n. We can’t work together anymore.” Starsky’s eyes pleaded with Dobey to let it ride, give it some time. Luckily, the Captain was on the same wave-length.
“Incompatible,” he snorted. “I’ll tell you what I’m going to do with the two of you. I want you at your desks for the next thirty days. I can find a helluva lot of paperwork that needs doing. I want to see you two sitting there, facing each other, thinking this over. If you’ve got a brain in your heads between you, talking it over! In one month, if you feel the same way, come see me. Now get the the hell out of my office and stop taking up my valuable time with your petty differences!”
“But, Cap,” Hutch began.
“Would you both prefer traffic detail? I can make sure you’re standing in the street, out in the weather for thirty days instead of sitting in relative comfort at your respective desks! IS that what you’d prefer, Detective?”
“No, sir,” Hutch said, defeated.
“Then get out of here!”
They both scrambled to leave, managing to bump into each other on the way out. They ignored the puzzled stares they got in the squad room and Hutch went right to his desk, while Starsky went to the coffee maker. He grabbed two cups before he thought about it, then carefully replaced one of them. Looking up, he made sure the gesture hadn’t been wasted on Hutch and saw a glimpse of something soft and vulnerable pass quickly across his face. Starsky, you’re a real shit, he thought to himself. He fell into his chair and reached for a stack of papers. It was going to be a long thirty days.
The day itself seemed to stretch on forever. The effort of trying to keep busy and look anywhere but into those soft sky blue eyes had him ready to snap by mid-morning. He made so many trips to the john that his bladder lurched every time he approached the door. The candy machine had a path worn to it. He had to admit he wasn’t getting much work done, while Hutch seemed to be calmly sitting there, cutting a wide swath through the pile of papers in front of him. It really pissed him off that the other detective seemed to be so unaffected by the situation.
He decided to do something that, in retrospect, he would have to admit was one of the lousiest things he’d ever done. He picked up the phone and asked for a line to the 14th precinct. He very loudly and deliberately left a message requesting that one Dee O’Reilly call him back when she was available. He looked over to see the blood drain from his partner’s face. He looked so hurt, like a puppy that he’d just kicked the shit out of, Starsky’s stomach roiled. He started to get up to go to him, to hold him and tell this man that he loved above everything, that he was so sorry, he didn’t mean it. He would have gotten down on his knees in the middle of the squad room in front of God and everybody and laid his head in the blond man’s lap, if it would have erased the look off Hutch’s face. But Hutch was gone, grabbing his jacket off the back of the chair and running as fast as he could out of the room. Starsky put his head down on the table, hating himself, trying to wish things back to the day before yesterday when he’d been so happy.
Every day found them at their desks, each doing his best to avoid the other. Hutch was hurting. You only had to look at the man to see that. His usually well-groomed hair and mustache looked like they’d not been touched and Starsky was sure that he hadn’t changed his clothes for the last two days. He was well enough acquainted with the man to be certain of what he was doing with his private time. He was spending it with a bottle of scotch and a lot of introspection. He could picture Hutch moving around his apartment like a ghost, neglecting himself and everything around him, including his precious plants. He’d seen it happen before. His heart ached for his partner, but he wasn’t going to make the first move. He hadn’t asked to be treated like that. He’d promised Hutch he would be his alone and he’d meant it. But he wasn’t going to spend the rest of his life accounting for every moment, explaining every person he talked to or touched. Maybe he had been a little out of line that night, but he’d tried to explain. Starsky wished with all his heart that he could just reach out to Hutch, but was spending so much time banging his head against the wall, that he had talked himself into believing that Hutch would be much better off without him. Finally, out of sheer boredom and loneliness, rather than bravado, he sought out Dee O’Reilly’s company.
The night they walked into Huggy’s was a night Starsky would remember for a long time. When Huggy caught a glimpse of him with the lovely, honey-colored blonde, his friend threw him an accusatory look that froze his blood. He settled Dee in a booth and went to the bar for drinks, meeting Huggy’s dark-brown eyes with his own that had darkened to the indigo of an ocean swell. They dared Huggy to light into him. They weren’t disappointed.
“You and me’ve been friends for a helluva long time, Starsky, but I never knew you to act like such an asshole, man! Who do you think you are? You’re playin’ God, now. Not with one or two, but three lives. You know who you love, what are you doing with her? What are you doing here at all? Why aren’t you at home with Hutch where you belong, givin’ him what you both need? I’m ashamed to call you my friend. Why don’t you take her home before it’s too late and go beg the big blond to forgive ya?”
“Forgive me? He’s the one who’s acting like he doesn’t care, Hug! We sit across from one another every damn day and he won’t even look at me. What do you think, I’m going to live like a monk the rest of my life because he can’t cope with me bein’ around anybody but him. Bullshit! If he wants me back, he can come and get me.”
“Come and get you? You ain’t exactly standing around waiting for him, are you? What are you doing with ‘what’s-her-name?’ Don’t you think that’s gonna give him the wrong idea, you imbecile? I went by his place yesterday. I don’t suppose you have any idea how he’s living, you who know him better than his own mother. How can you let him suffer like that?”
“He’s a damn sight better off without me, Huggy. I hurt people. He said let it go, let it end, that’s what I’m trying to do. Just butt out of it and it’ll go away by itself. Please.”
“Fat chance, Curly. You two were born to be together and you know it. If you weren’t so busy licking your own wounds, you’d look at your partner and really see him.”
~~**~~
The next day, Starsky remembered those words and snuck a furtive glance across the desk, which had taken on the look of an armed camp. Piles of papers had been raised to unheard-of-heights and it was obvious to anyone coming within twenty yards of the men that there was a bad moon rising between them. His heart twisted inside him when he saw the dark bruised blotches under the slightly blood-shot eyes that avoided his and the ruddy complexion which Hutch always took on when he was drinking too much. He saw the shaky hands and noticed the slightly staggering gait when the man walked, something only he would have noticed. Okay, okay, he thought, maybe something had to be done about it, but what? Hutch certainly wouldn’t believe that Starsky loved only him now. There was nothing he could say to him that would help. But he couldn’t just let this go on like it was. He had to let go of some of his pride and try.
That night found him in front of Venice Place, looking up at an apartment that was totally dark If Hutch’s car hadn’t been parked in front of the building, he would have believed that there was no one home. He wasn’t quiet going up the stairs and pounded on the door for awhile before yelling. “Hutch, I know you’re in there! Open up this goddamn door so I can talk to you or I’ll kick it in!” He heard movement in the apartment and Hutch opened the door. “Key’s ona doorframe, or did ya forget?” he sneered sarcastically, slurring his words badly.
Starsky pushed his way past the man and went immediately to the fridge to forage for a beer, finding that any beer that might have been there had miraculously turned to scotch. There were bottles everywhere, mostly empty, trash cans overflowing. The reek of liquor had an underlying odor of spoiled food, cigarettes and unwashed clothes. Not to mention Hutch himself, who looked like he hadn’t bathed in a few days. Any anger Starsky had left, died a quick death, seeing the mess Hutch was in and knowing it was because of him. Suddenly Hutch’s insecurities didn’t matter. They could have worked through them, if Starsky hadn’t screwed everything up. Now he’d lost the trust of the one person who really mattered a damn to him. His eyes blurred.
Hutch was in a bad way, weaving and barely able to stand on his feet. Starsky gathered him up in his arms and half-dragged, half-carried him into the bedroom. He took the bottle from the unresisting hands of the blond detective and poured it into the bathroom sink. Then he started to strip Hutch of his clothes, murmuring soothing words all the time. There was no opposition to what he was doing, he wasn’t sure his partner even realized what was going on. Starsky ran a hot bath, got the man safely ensconced in the tub and went looking for clean pajamas for him. He had to settle for sweatpants and a t-shirt and brought those into the bathroom with him along with a clean, thick towel. He shampooed and rinsed Hutch’s hair and washed him carefully all over, expecting the man to complain, but as he got him out of the tub and started drying him off, Hutch laid his head against his partner’s shoulder as if it was the only way he could hold himself up. Starsky got him into dry clothes, changed the rank-smelling bedsheets, which had more that one spot of vomit on them, then sat Hutch down on the edge of the bed. He went into the kitchen and found him some soup, which he literally had to spoon feed to the submissive man. Then he eased him into the bed and covered him up. Hutch was softly snoring in seconds.
Starsky spent three hours cleaning up the apartment, trying to restore the plants, pouring the contents of every liquor bottle he came across down the drain. By the time he was done, he was beat, so he curled up on top of the bed next to Hutch, but with the covers chastely between them.. He pulled an old quilt he’d gotten down from the closet over him. Hutch was sleeping very soundly. Starsky wrapped him up in his arms and reveled in the sensation. He stole a few kisses and pressed himself tightly against the other man’s back. He fell asleep with his cheek against his partner’s damp hair.
~~**~~
The sound of Hutch in the bathroom, retching, woke him and he quickly joined him in there, holding his head and offering him a drink of water and a warm washcloth when the blond had finally emptied the contents of his stomach.
“What are you doing here, Starsky? I don’t remember asking you for any help.” He looked around at the vastly improved quality of his surroundings, and smirked. “Feeling a little guilty?”
“Dammit, Hutch, I haven’t really done anything to feel guilty about. I just know you, and I could see you weren’t eating and it was obvious that you were drinking, typical M.O. for you. I thought I’d help an old buddy out. It evidently isn’t appreciated. Screw you!”
“That’s what it’s really all about, isn’t is? A little for old time’s sake, give Hutchinson a “pity-fuck”, maybe he’ll come around, huh? Maybe he’ll go back to the old arrangement where you have your cake and eat it, too. It’s not gonna fly, Starsky! I told you, I’m through with that shit!”
“Hutch, I know I’ve hurt you and I did some of it on purpose and I’m sure not proud of that, but, whatever comes down, I love you. Let me prove it to you. Give me a chance to show you that you’re what I want in my life, now and forever. I can’t cut off all my old friends and not talk to them, ya can’t put me in a box, babe, but I’ll be true to you, I promise.”
“I know you mean that right now, Starsk, but it’s just not your nature. This is the guy who’s watched you go after everything in a skirt that’s ever walked by. I don’t have all those sexy curves and soft skin. I’m just your male partner, good for a diversion. Once the novelty wears off, where does that leave me? Right where I am now. Wanting you so bad I can taste it, but hating myself for it.”
“What do you want from me, Hutch? I’d marry you if I could, I’d do anything, why all this insecurity?”
“When it comes right down to it, Starsky, what do you want from me that you can’t get from a woman? When do I get what I want? I’d like to flip you over that table and fuck you into next week. Would you like that? Would that be all right with you, partner? Are you ready for that step? Never mind answering, I can see it in your face. I repeat, what can I do for you that a woman can’t?” Hutch turned away from him. “I guess I could even live without that if I could just be sure of you, but I can’t.”
Starsky moved over to his partner and took him into his arms. He covered the blond’s lips with his and felt him melt into his embrace. He moved his mouth over the man’s and felt Hutch respond, deepening the penetration, exploring familiar territory. Then he ended the kiss and looked deeply into tormented eyes.
“What if I’m never ready for that step? That involves surrendering everything that’s me, submitting to you whatever I am and ever will be. Could you take me as I am, Hutch? Could you be happy with what we have right now?”
“You just made my point, you gotta be able to give me your all, that’s commitment, and until you reach that point, I can’t let myself be hurt by you. Thanks for what you did for me last night, but it doesn’t change anything. Your love comes with limitations. I’ll admit, you love me more than anyone ever has, you’d even lay down your life for me. But you aren’t ready to love only me, and I won’t settle for less.”
Starsky sighed deeply. “You gonna be all right now, Blondie? Can I get ya anything?”
Hutch gave him a sad smile. “You poured all my liquor down the drain, didn’t you?’
“It’s gone, babe.”
“Then I guess I have no choice, at least until I can get more, right?”
“I wish you wouldn’t, I worry about you.”
“I’m not your worry anymore, Starsk. My request for a new partner stands.”
The dark-haired man peered intently into the other’s eyes for a moment, then cupped Hutch’s cheek, running his thumb over the full lower lip.
“I’ll see you around, baby blue.” And he walked out the door.
~~**~~
Hutch came in to work early the next morning. He decided it was childish to barricade his desk the way he had been, so he worked the first half-hour reorganizing. He removed the tower of papers and brought order out of chaos. He felt, even though there would be no working or intimate relationship between he and Starsky anymore, the barriers had been broken down. Maybe the tension they’d been living under would smooth out. Around 9:45, he looked up to see Dobey standing there looking at him with a mournful expression on his face.
“What?”
“Hutchinson, it’s about your partner. There’s been an accident.”
Hutch’s blood froze. “A-an accident?”
“He was out late last night, apparently driving quite fast and he lost control of the car. The impact put his head through the windshield. They took him into Memorial, with a skull fracture. He hasn’t regained consciousness yet Even though there’s been bad blood between you two lately, I thought you should know as soon as possible, Hutch.”
“Was he alone?”
“Yes, apparently he was driving around out by the coast, took a turn too fast and went off the road. There doesn’t seem to be any foul play or alcohol involved. I’ve taken the liberty of clearing your schedule for however long it takes . I assume you want to be there for him?”
“Yeah, Cap, how can you even ask that? I gotta see him for myself.”
“Come on, I’m going over there now. You can ride with me. Do you want to contact Huggy?”
“I’ll call him from the hospital. I’d just as soon get there as fast as possible.”
~~**~~
Starsky was already in an ICU room by the time they got there. The fracture was not severe, but carried with it the threat of a dozen complications, not the least of which were intercranial bleeding and possible blood clotting. The longer he remained unconscious, the more reason for concern there was, too. The only other injuries were minor lacerations to his face and neck where he’d gone through the windshield of the Torino.
Hutch walked into yet another hospital room to stand vigil over this man that held the power over his happiness. There were the usual assortment of machines and tubes doing their respective jobs. Starsky looked very pale, but other than the bandages on his head and the cuts on his face and neck, he looked like he was sleeping naturally. Hutch settled in, he knew that even though he and Starsky were at odds, there was nowhere for him to go. He had to be here until his partner no longer needed him and God help anyone who tried to make him leave.
He picked up Starsky’s hand, the left one, and held to his chest. He looked at the ring finger. He wondered if society would ever reach the point where a man could choose another man to marry. Starsky had put the thought in his mind by mentioning it earlier. To be able to count on being together exclusively for the rest of their lives was his dream. He was able to envision them having a home of their own and sharing the domestic duties; cooking, cleaning, mowing the lawn. Knowing Starsky, he’d have to keep things up better than he did at his place, but being together for each other would be worth any sacrifice he might have to make. He only wished it meant as much to the man lying here in the hospital bed. He kissed the hand he held and placed it gently back on the bed.
Dobey came into the room and pulled the other chair over by Hutch.
“We need to talk, Hutch. I think you know that.”
“Yeah, Cap, I know.”
“Now, I wasn’t born yesterday and I see things. Can you just clarify for me that you and Starsky have been involved in an intimate relationship? And that this disagreement you’ve been having would fall under the classification of a “lover’s quarrel?”
Hutch stared at his captain in disbelief.
“How long have you known?”
“Probably before you two turkeys ever realized it yourselves. You’ve both spent so much time denying it that you had me and Edith wondering if you’d ever discover each other.”
“Edith?” Hutch’s voice went up an octave, then he clapped his hand over his mouth, remembering he was in a hospital.
Dobey chuckled. “We even had a bet on it. I told her you dumb white boys would never get the message, but she told me that love always finds a way. She won the bet!”
“Cap…”
“Don’t worry, there’s always been talk about you, but I don’t think it’s evident to anyone else and I’ll watch your back. Believe me, I’ve been a victim of prejudice in my lifetime. I won’t let you two be subjected to it if I can help it. This little feud of yours is’nt helping, though, you realize? You’re both letting your guts spill out all over the place. Right now rumor is that you’re fighting over O’Reilly. It wouldn’t be the first time you boys have had a woman in common, but if it goes on much longer, the shit’s going to hit the fan. You understand?”
“I understand, we’ll try to keep a lid on it. That is, providing Starsky…” He dropped his head into his hands.
Dobey put a big hand on his shoulder.
“He’ll be okay. You’ll both be okay. Remember what Edith said, ‘Love always finds a way.’ The woman’s wise. That’s why I married her, that and the fact that she can make the best Boston Cream Pie in the world. But don’t you tell her that.”
“Thanks for not looking down on us.”
“Hutch, I can’t say that I understand it, but I’m not going to judge you for it, either.”
“Cap, you wouldn’t have had anything to do with fomenting that little rumor about us fighting over O’Reilly, would you?”
” I take the fifth on that one,” Dobey said gruffly, then his eyes softened. “Son, I’ve seen you two almost from the beginning of your friendship and if there are two people who share something special, it’s you.” He looked over at Starsky. “And that man right there is your heart and soul. Don’t let him go, Hutch.”
Dobey strode to the door. “By the way, I called Huggy and then I radioed for Metro to bring your car over and leave it in the lot. You’ll keep me posted of any changes, right?”
“Sure, Cap, I’ll keep you informed.”
Hutch stole a look at the fine, chiseled features of the inert body lying on the bed in front of him and willed Starsky to open his eyes. If ever he needed to talk to him, it was now. Damn, Starsk, you came back for me before, open your eyes and let me tell you how much I love you. Do it, Starsk, do it now! But the man just lay there immobile, locked in a world of his own.
“Well, buddy, if you won’t wake up and listen, I’ll talk to you anyway. They say people hear things on a subconscious level. Let’s see how well you do…there’s some things I’ve never told you about myself, about how I grew up. Now that I have a captive audience, it seems like the perfect time.”
He pulled the chair up parallel to the bed, so his head was close to Starsky’s.
“In the academy, they used to call me “the Golden Boy.” You remember that, don’t you? Raised in the lap of luxury, silver spoon and all. That’s what they said about me. It was all true. I had everything I ever wanted, everything but love. My parents wanted the prerequisite son to carry on the business and the family name and then a daughter, a matched set, one of each. That’s what they got. Once that was accomplished, we were pretty much turned over to the care of a nanny. They had their nightlife and their obligations to society. They couldn’t be bothered to raise us themselves, especially when we were small and messy. When we got a little older, they would sometimes have us brought down for meals, so they could talk to us and make sure we were getting the proper education. There was little affection, Starsk. We had Christmas morning together, if my father wasn’t off on a business trip. I guess that’s why I came to resent the holiday so much. It was a big pretense, they thought if they spent Christmas with us, it made everything all right, made us family. They had no idea what that word meant, babe. Any love that came my way was earned and acquired at great cost. Academics, sports, awards, those were the only things that counted for anything. Those sometimes even rated a hug. Buddy, you have no idea what that was like. I was like a puppy, hanging around waiting for a quick pat on the head and then it was gone all too soon and there was nothing again.”
Hutch moved to a more comfortable position in the chair. He was tired. He ran his hand over his face, then rubbed the groove between his eyebrows where tension always signaled the onset of a headache.
“When I met Val, she gave me what I wanted, “real love,” the works. I walked right into that one with my eyes open. She put on an act for me worthy of an Oscar. Once she got me hooked, things started to change, slide downhill. She didn’t love me either, man, you know that. She wanted to be a hot-shot lawyer’s wife. Once that dream was dead, she couldn’t wait to get out. Once again, I had to earn what I wanted.”
A nurse stepped in and smiled at Hutch. He started to get up to leave.
“No, stay right there. I just have to check his I.V. You’re doing more than you can know for him, talking to him, holding him here. You’re a good friend.”
After attending to the bewildering assortment of wires and tubes, she smiled again and left.
“You hear that, Starsk, a good friend. I’ve done you more harm lately than all the bad guys put together. I’m why you’re lying
here in this hospital room, I’m why you were out driving your car too fast last night instead of being with me where you belonged.”
Hutch banged his fist on the arm of the chair. He took a quick look at the other occupant of the room, afraid he’d alarmed him, but it seemed his slumber hadn’t been disturbed. Hutch smiled sadly.
“Just like Sleeping Beauty, only I’m not Prince Charming anymore, am I? God, when I met you, you were like a breath of fresh air, once I got beyond the holes in your jeans and those Adidas. You cared about me from day one, worried that I had the bunk I wanted, that I was the first one in the shower, that your light being on in the middle of the night because you had to study so much wasn’t bothering me. You cared, then you loved. You loved me through the way my father dumped me when I told him I wasn’t going to be a doctor, you loved me through my divorce, you loved me through Gillian and you’ve been loving me ever since. You didn’t ask me to earn it, either. It was just right there, whenever I needed it. Even when I stepped on it, called you moron or dirtball, put you down with all my “superior knowledge,” you were right there, loving me with every breath in your body. And the way I treated you through that thing with Kira. Starsk, that’s when I realized there was more than brotherly love between us. I couldn’t let you love her. I wanted you for me. I’ve never been able to tell you that. I was too humiliated, but we made it over the rough spots, anyway. We even beat Gunther, and it’s been so good. Why can’t I trust you, babe, why can’t I believe that I don’t have to earn your love? That if I don’t make the grade, you’re going to go out and find somebody who will?”
He heard someone at the door and looked up to see Huggy.
“Don’t beat up on yourself, Blondie, it’ll all work out in the end. You just need time, that’s all, and some cooperation from “Mr. Short Fuse,” there.
“That’s kinda what Edith Dobey says, but, Hug, what if I don’t get another chance to talk to him? What if…” He looked at Starsky lying so pale and still in the bed beside him.
” You gotta watch them what if’s, Blondie. Ya can’t even think like that! That cranium of his is tougher than yours and mine put together and so’s the stubborn streak that’s locked up inside it. He’ll be fine. Remember, I have many relatives who’re psychic”
“I’m not quite sure why that scares me, Huggy.” Hutch grinned at his friend.
“I’m devastated, my Caucasian compatriot, that you have so little faith in me.”
“Seems to be my problem, I don’t have enough faith in anybody.”
“You grew up with that hang-up, my man, ya can’t completely blame yourself for it.”
“But I should be kicking myself in the ass for a lot of it, huh?”
“Hutch, you care about that man and you know he returns that in spades. You trust him to put his life on the line every day for you and he does. Trusting him with all your love’s a different matter for you. Everybody you’ve loved like that has let you down; your folks, Vanessa, Gillian. This is still new, man, you’re insecure in it, but you have to either give him that trust or let him go. He ain’t the kind of man you can keep on a leash. He’ll wither away and die. You have to find some way to get it through your head he’s all yours, body and soul. This thing with the lady cop is nothing, started out with him gettin’ shitfaced and then he got pissed and wouldn’t back down from it. You know that in your head! It’s got to find a way into your heart.”
“I’m sure you think you’re right, Hug.”
“You’ll see, man. I’m going to get me a cup of coffee. Want one?”
“Yeah, that’d be nice, thanks. And Hug?”
“Yeah?”
“How’d you get to be so smart?”
“I’m a bartender, Blondie, who do you think everybody tells their troubles to?”
After Huggy left the room, Hutch carefully let down the siderail of the bed, knowing he’d probably get in trouble for it if they noticed, and laid his head right next to Starsky’s.
“Hey, Superman, you gotta come back to me. I need you; to walk on the beach with, to play basketball with, to make me crazy with that junk food you eat. Starsk, I’m sorry I was such a jealous fool. I know you hate that. I don’t know if we can ever go back to being partners, let alone lovers. It hurts too much. But I’ve had more love in the last few months than in my whole life. And, you have to come out of this. You still haven’t given me my birthday present!”
The nurse came in a few minutes later and smiled to see the blond man sleeping with his head close to his friends. There was another man with them, a tall, lanky black man. She started to tell him about the rule that there should be only one visitor in the room at a time, but relented and instead whispered, “Watch over them for me, would you?”
The man flashed a dazzling smile and said quietly, “I always do, pretty lady.”
~~**~~
Hutch didn’t go home that night. He stayed by Starsky’s side every minute that they would let him, talking to him about anything he could think of, good times they’d had together, old crimes they’d solved, people they knew. It was about one o’clock in the morning when he heard a groan and saw Starsky moving his head back and forth. He got up and leaned over him.
“Shh, take it easy, Starsk, don’t go thrashing around like that, it’s gonna make the pain a lot worse. Settle down, I know it must hurt bad, Hutch is here, babe. I’ll get you some help.”
He reached for the call light, but the nurses had already seen the rise in the injured man’s vitals and were hurrying into the room. Hutch started to step back just as Starsky’s eyes fluttered and began to open. The first thing he saw was Hutch backing away from him and he panicked.
“Hutch! God, don’t leave me!”
In spite of the medical personnel trying to force him out, Hutch made his way back to the bed. Grasping Starsky’s hand, he held on tight amid the whirl of activity that was going on in the room.
“Hutch, what happened? My head feels like it’s split wide open. Can’t remember what happened to me.”
Hutch started to tell him, but the nurse shook her head. “The doctor will want to see if he remembers on his own. If you can stand out of the way, we’ll let you stay. Hopefully, you’ll have a calming influence on him. Just don’t answer any of his questions.”
It seemed cruel not to tell him anything, but Hutch could understand the reasoning behind it. Starsky had a death grip on his hand and he knew he wasn’t going anywhere without literally prying the man off of him. He wasn’t about to do that, so he found a position by the head of the bed where he could be out of the way and still reassure Starsky that he was there.
The doctor arrived and started to examine the frightened man. After checking him out thoroughly, he seemed to be convinced that everything was in order.
He introduced himself to the two detectives as Dr. Branson. Then he reiterated the nurse’s instructions for Hutch not to answer any questions. He inquired if Starsky was in a lot of pain and when he confirmed that he was, asked him to hang in there a couple minutes until he could get him to answer a few questions for him. Starsky nodded, wincing as he did.
“Do you know your name?”
“Of course, Starsky, Dave Starsky.”
“And what year is it, Mr. Starsky?”
“I’d rather you just call me Dave. 1981, the last I knew.
“Do you know who the President of the United States is, Dave?”
“Jimmy Carter. Doc, is this really necessary? My head feels like a whole herd of elephants are tap-dancin’ on it.”
“I’m sure it does. Just one more thing. Do you remember what happened to you?”
“Wha’ happened? You mean why am I in the hospital?”
“Yes, what brought you to the hospital.”
“Probably a…an ambulance?”
“Not funny, Starsky! You’re stalling.” Hutch scolded.
“Okay, sorry, no, I-I’m damned if I can remember. Did I get shot again?”
The doctor looked questioningly at Hutch.
“We’re cops, Dr. Branson. It’s happens in our line of work.”
“No, Dave, you weren’t shot. You had a car accident. Do you remember driving and losing control of your car?”
“Oh, Jeez, the Torino, is it totaled?”
“I don’t know yet, Starsk, that wasn’t my primary concern.”
“Dave, do you remember going off the road?”
“No, Doc, I can’t remember driving anywhere at all, let alone going off the road. Am I hurt bad?”
“I think you’re going to make a full recovery, but you do have a skull fracture. You went through the windshield of your car.”
“You’d think I’d remember that, wouldn’t you?”
“That’s what concerns me. I’m told you were driving along the coast road quite a distance from your home, you seem to have no idea of where you were or why or what happened to you. Tell me, what’s the last thing you remember?”
“Well, my friend, Hutch, he was having some problems and I was going to visit him and see if I could help him, but I guess I never made it there. I don’t know what stopped me.”
Startled, Hutch moved around to where he could get a clear view of Starsky’s face. He could usually tell when his partner was evading an issue or even outright lying and he could tell that, in Starsky’s mind, he had never been there at Hutch’s the night before last.
He motioned the doctor out of the room for a minute while the nurse was giving Starsky a pain injection.
“I don’t know what’s going on in his mind, Doctor Branson, but he was at my house the night this happened. He was there for several hours. I wasn’t, uh, feeling well and he came by and fed me and cleaned my house for me and helped me into bed. He slept there for awhile and left, like, about three in the morning. Why wouldn’t he remember that?”
“It could have something to do with the trauma of the accident or it could be an emotional reaction to something. It could even be tied up together. Has he been having a lot of extra stress in some area of his life lately?”
“Would a relationship gone sour qualify?”
“And the young lady in question, had they broken up?”
“Dr. Branson, is what I tell you confidential?”
“If it concerns my patient, yes, it is.”
“Well, I guess you could say I-I’m the young lady in question.”
“You’re telling me that…?”
“My partner and I have been in an intimate relationship for a few months. It’s important that it doesn’t get out or it means our jobs. My captain knows, but no one else.”
“When he left that morning, did you fight?”
“No, but we had been for a few days and I told him that I definitely was going to end the relationship and wanted a new partner.”
“Did he get angry?”
“No, that was unusual for him. He’s doesn’t always have the firmest grip on his temper, but he just took it like he was resigned to it and his last words were, “I’ll see you around.”
“That fits the profile. He accepted that you were done with him and then the trauma of the accident allowed him to block that whole incident out of his mind. It was too painful for him to remember. The question is, what do we do about it now?”
What do we do now? God, what a nightmare, Hutch thought, he loves me so much that he can’t even deal with that last scene. What have I done to him? I could have talked it through, he asked me to enough times, but I knew better, that it would never work out for us. I’m such a prick. I was thinking about being magnanimous and allowing him to be my partner again, just partners. Cripes, what a hypocritical bastard I am!
“Do I tell him, Dr. Branson, or pretend it didn’t happen and just hope he never remembers it? I’m trying to make an intelligent decision about whether I should relent and stay partners with him. If it’s affecting him this much, maybe I should. Can’t we just leave it at that?”
“No, because it’s actually buried there in his subconscious. He’s got to remember it on his own and deal with it and the pain that it brings. Then, if you want to continue to be partners, you’ll have to reach that decision together.”
“Can I go back in now? I’d like to stay with him as much as possible.”
“Sure, we’ll have him under observation for another twelve hours, then move him to a room if everything’s going okay. I’ll tell the nurses to let you stay as much as you like. You really need to rest, too, though.”
“I’ll rest right here. I couldn’t relax at home.”
Starsky was dozing when Hutch went back into the room. The blond walked over to the bed and smoothed the dark curls off his partner’s forehead, being careful not to touch the bandages. The thick, dark eyelashes fluttered against the bruised skin, then the sapphire eyes opened.
“Doing better, partner?”
“Down to two elephants, that’s progress.”
“Mind if I sit here with you for awhile?”
“Sure you want to, the way things have been going down between us lately?”
“Starsk, that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. You know there’s nowhere else I’d want to be.”
“I feel better with you here, bronco.”
“Starsk, what’d you call me?”
“Bronco.”
“You haven’t called me that in a long time. Where did that come from?”
“I don’t know, I just remember a time when it made me feel safe…good to call you that. Do you mind?”
“No, of course not, I’d just forgotten, that’s all.”
Starsky’s eyes slowly closed again. Hutch lowered himself into the chair and tried to find a comfortable position. One of the nurses brought him a pillow and a blanket and apologized for the discomfort of the chairs.
“Don’t give it a second thought. We’ve spent a lot of time here.”
~~**~~
A little over a week later, Dr. Branson gave the okay for Starsky to go home, provided his partner was there to take care of him. Given the tension they’d been under before the accident, Starsky balked. Hutch pointed out to him that he could just as well stay in the hospital for another week and the matter was settled. Dr. Branson and Hutch felt it would be a good idea to take him to Hutch’s apartment, because it might trigger a memory of the night the accident happened. He grumbled, but took it in stride.
“You didn’t have to have somebody clean up just for me. I know what this place must have looked like. Huggy told me you weren’t taking care of yourself, as if I couldn’t see that for myself.”
Hutch hated lying to him, but wasn’t able to tell him he’d been the one who’d cleaned the place up, so he told him he’d hired one of Huggy’s many relatives.
The ride home in the car had started one of Starsky’s almost constant headaches again, so Hutch got a couple pain pills down him and got him into bed. As he turned to go, a hand reached out for his. “Stay with me for awhile?”
Hutch obligingly lay back down beside the man, spooned up against his back and wrapped his arms around him. Starsky hugged his partner’s arms from the front.
“I feel so safe here, Hutch.”
“Safe from what, ya big lug?”
“I don’t know, it’s just scary knowing you can forget parts of your life like that.”
“Shhh, Starsk, just let the pills work and go to sleep, you need your rest. It’ll all work itself out in time.”
“How about us, Blondie, are we going to work out in time, too?”
“Just go to sleep, buddy, don’t overwork that cracked nutshell of yours.”
“‘Kay”
The man was still just long enough for Hutch to think he’d dropped off, then he whispered, “I love ya, baby blue.” Seconds later he was asleep.
Hutch lay there for a long time. Being this close to Starsky had given him an unwanted erection and it rested in the crease of his partner’s ass. What he longed for so badly lay just within his reach, yet eons away. He laid his cheek against the dark curls and kissed the vulnerable neck that presented itself to him. Then he extricated himself from Starsky’s grasp. Going into the bathroom, he turned on the shower, setting it as cold as he could stand. Soon the water from the shower was joined by warm tears. He slid down the wall to the floor and sat sobbing there until the water turned icy cold.
~~**~~
The time went by slowly and the two detectives began to feel easier in each other’s presence again. Hutch took care of his partner with the same love and affection that he always had before. The partnership, to all concerned but one, seemed to have gotten back on track. In time, they were back to their desks and joking about food, cars and whatever else came up in the course of the day. Few could see the sadness in Hutch’s eyes, still present at times, and those who did put it down to the lingering after-effects and worry over his partner’s accident. Starsky was well-liked and there was great relief that his collision hadn’t been much worse. Minnie, especially, babied the curly-haired cop unabashedly, bringing him cookies and coming up to talk to him everyday, causing a lot of amusement on the part of his fellow officers, which he took without comment. Hutch wasn’t surprised. He knew his partner. Once you became one of Starsky’s “special people”, he was as loyal as a German Shepherd, loving that person back and giving of himself without regret.
The Torino, much to Starsky’s relief, had been salvageable and Merle was in the process of repairing the damage done. The detective had been cited for speeding and reckless driving, much to his disgust. He felt he’d been punished enough and this added insult to injury, but he didn’t get any sympathy from Dobey when he complained about it. Even though he ranted bitterly that he hadn’t been “himself”, which was what they were calling his loss of memory, Dobey reminded him that at the time, he was aware that he was driving and therefore he knew, of all people, what kind of responsibility that carried. The loss of memory came after the accident, not before it, therefore he’d better pay up.
Because of Starsky’s injury, their desk time had been extended and Hutch thought how ironic it was that he was so happy to be doing paperwork. There was no return of Starsky’s memories of that night, but the time when Hutch would have to make the ultimate decision whether he could allow himself to go back on the streets with Starsky or not loomed ever closer. He knew his limitations. The two of them working alone in such close proximity would throw them back into a position that he didn’t want to be in, but would be powerless to resist. He knew that now. Starsky was his love for life, his soulmate, but he wanted it all and he couldn’t afford to allow this man to send him back from “White Knight” to “Living Wreck” again. On the other hand, how could he cut Starsky’s heart out once more, seeing what his declaration of independence had done to him previously. He felt like he was being torn into little pieces. After a couple of weeks, the tension began to escalate once more.
~~**~~
Hutch heard a knock on the glass and looked up to see Huggy outside the squad room. He motioned for him to come in. Starsky had his curly head buried in a pile of paperwork and Hutch was sure his mind was elsewhere. He poked him in the arm and Starsky grinned to see his friend there.
“My centurions,” Huggy said, giving them a salute “I had business downstairs; one of my esteemed patrons got a little rowdy last night and I had to press charges, so I came up to visit the new breed. I haven’t seen you two around much, bros. The Bear can be hurt, you know.”
“Sorry, Hug, we’ve just been kinda keeping to ourselves.”
“Would that be ourselves, as in ourselves, plural or singular?”
Starsky jumped into the conversation at this point. “That’d be very singular, about as singular as you can get.” He looked over at Hutch antagonistically.
“Let it be, Starsky!” Hutch shot back.
“I’d like to, Hutchinson, I’d really like to, but there’s a chunk of my life I have a feeling you know a lot more about than you’re tellin’. I’d sure as shit rather you’d talk to me than have to sit here and rack my brains every day wonderin’ just what happened.”
“I can’t, Starsk, you need to remember on your own.”
“It’s got something to do with O”Reilly, doesn’t it, Hutch?”
“Dammit, Starsky, it’s got something to do with everything in a skirt that’s ever walked by you!”
He stared open-mouthed as the color drained from his partner’s face…”Starsk?”
“That’s what you said that night. Jeezus, I was there. You told me you were going ahead with requesting a new partner, didn’t you?”
He turned and stormed into Dobey’s office.
“Starsky, how many times have I told you to knock?” Starsky’s pale, shaken appearance alarmed his superior officer and he came around his desk to guide the other man into a chair. “What’s wrong, Starsky?”
“I want the truth, Cap, is Hutch’s request for a new partner still open?”
“Well, with all that’s happened, it’s never been… ”
“IS IT STILL OPEN?”
“Yes, Starsk,” Hutch said from the door, “I’m still requesting a new partner. We need to talk it through, though.”
“I guess there’s nothing left to say.”
Catching sight of Huggy, Dobey had a brainstorm.
“Huggy,” he whispered, “he’s headed for a meltdown. Take him down to one of the interrogation rooms to talk. It’ll be private there. Get him to completely come clean about his feelings for Hutch, if you can. I’ll call down and okay it.”
Huggy wasted no time doing it. He grabbed the shell-shocked detective by the arm and practically dragged him out of Dobey’s office.
“Let’s go someplace where there ain’t so many people, my man, come on.”
Dobey asked Hutch to remain in his office while he made a phone call from the squad room. As he came back, he turned on the blond and growled, “Come on, you’re coming with me!”
“Is that an order, Captain?”
“It’s an order, Sergeant. Any questions?”
“No sir.”
As Dobey and Hutch approached the interrogation rooms downstairs, Hutch began to feel that he should turn and run. But Dobey dismissed the officer who led them to a room and he entered, pulling Hutch in with him. It was an observation room and he could see Huggy and Starsky in the room next to them. Dobey motioned him to a chair. He sat, then started to get up again, but was shoved down firmly. Then Dobey went over to the door and leaned his none-too-inconsiderable bulk against it. Hutch decided he was going to hear what Starsky had to say whether he wanted to or not. It was not something he was comfortable with. Listening to a suspect spill his guts was one thing, but he didn’t know if he was ready for eavesdropping on his ex-lover, who had no idea he was listening.
Starsky was still very shaken. Huggy, who’d been informed by the officer Dobey called that there would be an observer, went right for the jugular.
“My man, what’re you feelin’ right now?
“I’d rather not talk about it, Huggy, I think I’ll just go home.”
“Starsky, you need to talk about it. What’s at home for you?”
“Nice touch, Hug, what is there at home for me? Brings it all down to words I can understand, doesn’t it?”
“I mean, I’m here for you now, man, doesn’t that count for anything? I’m willin’ to listen, to help do anything to get you over this. I’m your friend, too, Starsky.”
“I know you are, Hug, you’re a good friend. It’s just that Hutch’s my all, you know. He doesn’t understand how much he means to me. He had this rough time growin’ up, see. His parents didn’t love him, they tolerated him, he was just a trophy in a case to them, their golden boy…their gold-plated boy, ’cause they couldn’t see that he was pure 24 Karat through and through.
How’d he come through that so special, Hug? They couldn’t see what they had. He’s so smart, he makes me feel like some big dummy, oh, not on purpose, he just knows so much. And he’s gorgeous, you probably wouldn’t appreciate that part, but women want him. I get jealous, too, I just know he loves me. ‘ Let ’em look,’ I used to say, ‘he’s all mine.’ Now he’s not. How am I supposed to live with that, Hug?”
“If it is over, you go on, Starsky, just like you always have. You’ve been through hell, you always bounce back. Terry, being poisoned, Gunther’s shooting, you came through all that better’n ever.”
“But ya don’t understand, who was there through all that? Who stood beside me, holding me up, who brought me back from the dead by merely willing it to be, who the hell has bailed me out, kicked my butt, been by my side every minute? Now he’s gonna be gone, Huggy, and all I’m gonna have are a bunch of pictures and memories left.”
On the other side of the wall, Hutch had risen from the chair and come closer and closer to the glass, reminding Dobey of the way he’d stared through the ICU window at his friend lying there dying last year. The sorrow on his face at seeing Starsky so hurt was evident.
“Huggy, I think I should just go home. I’m not feeling so good right now.”
“I’m not about to let you go home alone in this frame of mind, bro, Is there anybody else you want to be with?” Huggy knew he was treading on thin ice, but also knew this was the crux of the matter. “You want I should call O’Reilly to be with you?”
Starsky had the front of his shirt gripped in his fist and was in his face before he could catch a breath.
“You fuck O’Reilly or any other damn woman. I’m so freakin’ sick of hearing about me wanting women. You know, I took O’Reilly home that night. It was the single most embarrassing night of my life. I couldn’t even kiss her, couldn’t take her to bed, couldn’t get it up, Hug! That doesn’t happen to me, ever. All I could do was see Hutch’s face and the hurt I was causing him.
All I could feel was wantin’ him so bad that I’d have given anything to be with him. But I couldn’t, so I went home. The next morning, the things you said hit home and I really saw how he was hurting, so I decided to swallow my pride and go over there after work. I was going to tell him I truly wanted it all, the surrender, submitting to everything, but that I was scared, I wanted to go slow. Then I never got the chance. He told me he still wanted a new partner.”
Starsky let Huggy go and smoothed the front of his shirt. “Sorry, Hug, I know you’re just trying to help.” He slumped down in one of the chairs and laid his head on his arms atop the table. “The only thing I can think about doing now is going home and eatin’ my gun. I’m not living without him, man, it ain’t going to happen.”
At this point, on the other side of the window, Hutch had his hands on the glass, trying to make a connection with a lover just our of reach of his outstretched palms. Tears were streaming down his face and he looked like a little boy who’d just discovered everything he’d ever wanted in his life under his Christmas tree and was afraid that it was going to be pulled away from him if he touched it.
He looked at Dobey, “What do I do, Cap?”
Dobey seemed a bit insulted. “Well, if you don’t know, don’t be asking me, son.” He stepped back from the door.
Hutch rushed from one room into the other, nearly knocking Huggy down. He gathered Starsky in his arms and pulled him to his feet, looking into the blue eyes that never failed to knock him out. Then he kissed the dazed man, running his hands through the dark curls and causing Starsky to almost lose his footing. Hutch steadied him and used the occasion to hold him closely.
Huggy and Dobey stood in the door of the interrogation room, manic grins on their faces and arms around each other’s shoulders, until they glanced at one another and quickly moved apart.
Dobey growled, “You two get the hell out of here. Either go home or get a room. And I don’t expect you back until after the weekend.”
Hutch grinned. “Yes sir!” He left, pulling a still very dazed and confused Starsky with him.
Dobey looked at Huggy and smiled. “Well, I think we did a good thing here today!”
Huggy chuckled. “What you mean, we, Kemosabe? You’re the brother that looks like Cupid!”
~~**~~
Starsky found himself shoved into the LTD and driven to Hutch’s place. He still hadn’t a clue why this sudden change in attitude and wasn’t sure he wanted to hear about it. He was getting a little tired of this “my partner/no partner” game and was ready to tell Hutch so. But it looked like the only way to get away from the big blond was to talk. Hutch actually came around to his side of the car before he could get out and opened the door for him, tugging on his arm when he didn’t move fast enough to suit the man. He opened his mouth to say something sarcastic, but Hutch stuck that damn index finger in his face, so he bit his tongue.
Once inside, Starsky found himself pushed down on the couch and attacked by his partner. Hutch covered his mouth and explored until they both had to come up for air. Then Starsky put both hands on Hutch’s chest and pushed him away.
“Whoa, buddy, if I didn’t know better, I’d say you were pregnant or had some kind of hormone imbalance. You’re switchin’ sides so fast, you got me dizzy. I don’t know my ass from a hole in the ground, I’m so confused. Why the big turnaround, all of a sudden?”
“Starsk, I was in the observation room, I heard everything you said to Huggy. I always knew you loved me, now I know how much.”
“What?”
“I didn’t intend to eavesdrop, Starsk, Dobey ordered me in there and wouldn’t let me out until I heard everything you had to say. I believe you now.”
“Now you believe me? I’ve been agonizing, spilling my guts out to you, on my knees trying to get you to understand that it’s only you for the rest of my life. And the only way I can get through to you is for you to overhear me telling somebody else? Aren’t relationships supposed to be built on trust, Hutch? Aren’t you supposed to believe in the one who you love with all your heart?”
“Sure, but anyone’s capable of hurting you. Nobody’s perfect, Starsk.”
“Nobody’s perfect, and I’ve already demonstrated that I can hurt you and you’ve hurt me, but we’re still lovin’ each other. You ever watch a puppy, Hutch? He loves you so much, he comes up to you, wantin’ to be petted, just needing love. He rolls over at your feet, exposing his belly, trustin’ you to pet him, not kick him. What if you did kick him, do you think he’d stay away? He’d be back the next day, doing the same thing, hoping to be loved, but letting you make the decision. Ya can’t control somebody and force them to treat you right. I’m not saying if you get kicked all the time, you should stay in a relationship. But you have to hang in there and give the other person a fair chance. Have I ever let you down, babe, really let you down?”
Hutch hung his head. “No, you’ve always been there for me, Starsk.”
Starsky cupped the other man’s chin and raised his head back up so he was forced to look into the sapphire eyes. “I promise you I never will. If you’ll only let me, I promise I’ll love, honor and cherish you, and forsaking all others, cleave only to you for the rest of our lives. Everything a marriage is made of. You watch, Hutch, I can make you so happy, if you’ll just give me the chance.”
“I know that now, babe, and I promise the same to you. For as long as we have on earth.”
Their lips came together, sealing the bargain their hearts had made.
~~**~~
It was a month to the day from his birthday that Hutch came home after work to find a beautiful golden-foil wrapped package on his pillow. Starsky had already given him the presents that hadn’t been opened due to the aborted birthday celebration. He was in the process of shaking it to try and figure out what was in it when he looked up and saw Starsky leaning against the bedroom doorframe watching him. Struck again by how beautiful this man of his was, he forgot the package and just stared.
“Well, aren’t you going to open it,” the impatient detective asked. “It never fails to amaze me why you have to try for ten minutes to figure out what’s in the damn thing when you can just open it and find out.”
“All right, already, just keep your pants on!”
“You’re really gonna regret those words!”
Tearing open the package, Hutch found an oblong box. He flushed when he opened the lid and found a large tube of KY lubricant. He scanned his partner’s face to see if this was a joke. He saw nothing there that would give him the idea Starsky was not deadly serious.
“Starsk, are you telling me you’re ready for this? That you can surrender, what was it you said?… ‘everything you are or ever will be?'”
“I’m telling you I’ve already done that. I guess I had to learn a little bit about trust, too, Blondie. I was holding back from you what you wanted most because I thought you might see me as less of a man. I didn’t trust you, either. I had to realize that before I could put myself in your hands to do whatever you wanted.”
He came over to the bed and took Hutch’s hands in his. He kissed each palm in turn.
“I’m all yours, babe, where do you want me?”
“Whoa, Starsk, it’s not just all that easy. Sometimes it doesn’t happen on the first try or even the second and it takes a lot of preparation. Don’t get carried away. I want you to be very sure you want this.”
“Oh, I do, Blondie, I couldn’t think of anything else all day. I want this bond with you. I ain’t saying I’m looking forward to the act itself at first, but I know it’ll be good in time and I want to feel you inside of me, be one with you.”
“Stop talking,” Hutch growled, “or you’re going to make me come standing right here listening to you.”
Starsky smiled tremulously. “It’d be a lot less painful for me.”
“Shut up, Romeo,” Hutch said, chuckling. “C’mere.”
Starsky went into the arms he held out and reveled in the sensations; the smell of familiar aftershave, the feel of soft flannel shirt, the firm pressure against his own groin that was growing harder by the moment. He knew Hutch would be careful of his needs, just like always. They both knew that Me and Thee was forever now and together they could do anything.
Forever………….
Their mouths met, both open and ready for each other. Reveling in the tongues that were warring for supremacy, hands began to rip shirts from waistbands and attack buttons, some of which didn’t survive the assault.
The sensation of bare chests, so different from one another, spurred them on quickly and Starsky had Hutch’s jeans and underwear off and was enjoying the feel of the blond’s bare ass beneath his hands. Hutch cursed Starsky and his way-too-tight jeans and swore to throw every pair away and get him some that were a size too big so he could get them off him whenever he wanted to. Finally they had gotten each other undressed.
They spent a lot of time just caressing, Hutch trying to get his partner as relaxed as possible, but he was in danger of losing himself in the process. He turned Starsky onto his stomach, and making sure the KY was near, he started to kiss and lick his back, starting with his neck, planting little kisses and nips, trailing fire wherever he went. He went from one shoulder to the other and down to treat each shoulder blade with the same reverence. He trailed down Starsky’s spine, licking and kissing up and down, keeping the man guessing whether he was going to go back up and start all over or go lower and begin to explore new regions. Avoiding the smaller man’s ribcage, because Hutch knew how ticklish he was, he moved down to his tailbone. Starsky had been quiet throughout this long, drawn-out worship of his body, but he started to moan and Hutch knew it was time. He reached for the lubricant and squeezed some on his fingers. Running one finger down the crease of Starsky’s ass, he positioned it at the portal. Pushing in gently illicit only more moanings from his lover, so he pushed all the way in and back out for awhile, to let the man get used to it. Introducing another finger brought a grunt of discomfort and Hutch stopped for a minute, but Starsky urged him on. After a little while, he became relaxed again and Hutch continued to rub his fingers back and forth. He knew Starsky was getting highly aroused and the chances of actually achieving his goal before the man came were slight, but he was enjoying the pleasure he was giving his lover and knew there would be other times. He added a finger and carefully pushed all three in. Starsky froze. Hutch started to withdraw.
“Hold still just a minute, Hutch, I think I can take it.”
Hutch held as still as he could considering all he wanted to do was fall on the man beside him and take him, fuck him through the floor to the restaurant below. That picture in his head lightened things up considerably and he was able to hang on.
“Okay, try moving.”
Carefully he started his back and forth movement with three fingers, surprised when Starsky began to relax and whimper with arousal again after a few minutes.
“Starsk, are you ready to try this?”
“Just hurry up and get to it, Blondie, I’m dying here.”
Hutch grabbed a couple pillows and urging Starsky up, placed them under him, to make penetration easier on him. He coated his cock with the KY and moved over his partner.
When Starsky felt the blunt object about to be introduced into him, he panicked, but told himself, you asked for it, just do the best you can, let him enjoy this, if it’s the last thing you ever do. As he felt the size of the crown pressing against him insistently, he thought it just might be the last thing I ever do!
It was as painful as he’d thought it would be, radiating to all the body parts around the immediate area and he cried out. Hutch instantly withdrew and Starsky groaned. Now he’d never do it.
“Try it again, babe, it’ll be okay once I get used to it.” It’s like having a baseball bat shoved up there. How does anyone ever get used to that?
“No, Starsk, I don’t want to hurt you like that.”
“Just try one more time, Hutch, please.”
“Okay.”
He coated himself again and arrived at the portal once more. He pushed in a little and met the resistance. Starsky lay quietly, jaw tight, biting his tongue and Hutch pushed in a little further. His partner’s anus clenched down on the invader, causing pain to both of them now. Hutch instinctively reached around his lover, and feeling the erection, which had begun to go a little soft, started manipulating it with his lubricant-smeared hand. Starsky started to get hard again and soon relaxed, which caused both of them a lot of relief. Hutch began to slide deeper into his partner. He continued his slow descent until he felt his balls resting against the other mans flesh.
Starsky soon realized that he was caught up in it. Sure, it hurt more than a little and he knew the real pain would come later, but it was good, nobody had ever made him feel like this before. He sensed that it was unusual to feel like this the first time… he’d thought…then he quit thinking and gave himself up to his orgasm, which came out of the blue, like a lightning bolt.
Hutch had been trying to hold back, to give his partner pleasure, if possible. Then he heard the man scream out and felt the seed that was pouring all over his hand. He let himself go and gave a wild cry of abandon, never before heard from the carefully controlled blond under similar circumstances.
Hutch would have been content to lie there forever, but knew he had to get up and take care of his partner, who was going to need some help. He carefully pulled out of Starsky’s body, regretting that they couldn’t be as one like that all the time. He was relieved to see that there was little bleeding. He went into the bathroom and started to fill the tub. When he came back out, Starsky still hadn’t moved an inch.
“You okay, babe?”
“Oh yeah, just hurtin’ a little.”
“A little?”
“Well, maybe a bit more than a little.”
“I’ll get you into a hot tub. That’ll help.” He rescued the tube of KY and put the cover back on it. “Hey, this was some present you got me!”
“Oh yeah, trust me to find the gift that keeps on giving,” he said wryly and winced as he tried to move.
“It’ll be better next time, babe.”
“What makes you think there’ll be a next time?”
“I know you and I know it was great for you, even if it did hurt.”
“Uh, Hutch, just one thing.”
“What, Starsk?”
“When I got that tube of KY, I wasn’t planning to be the only one it got used on. Matter of fact, I bought one for myself, too.”
He chuckled as he took in the awestruck look on his partner’s face. Evidently that little scenario had never occurred to Hutch before. For once he was at a loss for words.
The End
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