More Than Friends

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Hutch hasn’t been himself, and Starsky investigates.

Sequel to The Accident by Cheryl T.

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Part One

Starsky finished packing the last of his belongings. Glancing around the room, he felt a tinge of sadness as he realized they were leaving. Although he was happy and relieved that Hutch had fully recovered from the car accident that had left him paralyzed, part of him was going to miss being here. He could hear Hutch moving around in his room across the hall, as he finished packing. Despite the fact that Hutch was fully recovered and had been cleared to go back to work, Starsky still worried. Something wasn’t right with Hutch. He seemed distracted and, at times, even appeared depressed. When questioned, he denied anything was wrong.

Starsky heard the door close, as Hutch headed out to the car with some of his stuff. Grabbing one of the boxes, he also headed out to the car. Once outside, Starsky didn’t see Hutch anywhere. The box Hutch had carried out sat on the ground next to the Torino. Placing his box on the ground next to Hutch’s, Starsky went in search of his friend. He knew he would likely find Hutch down by the water.

Just as he had thought, Starsky found him standing, looking out at the ocean. The blond was deep in thought. From the look on Hutch’s face, Starsky knew something was troubling him. Taking the few short steps to his friend’s side, Starsky put his hand lightly on Hutch’s shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

Startled, Hutch turned to look at Starsky. “Nothing’s wrong,” Hutch answered in a somewhat defensive tone.

Starsky found himself looking into a pair of tortured blue eyes. The eyes confirmed what Starsky had already known. Something was very wrong.

As if realizing that his eyes gave him away, Hutch lowered his gaze.

“Hutch, we know each other too well. Don’t stand there and tell me nothing is bothering you. I’m not blind. It shows on your face, buddy. Talk to me.”

“There’s nothing bothering me. Let’s get the car loaded.” Hutch strode off toward the car. Within a half-hour, the packing had been finished in silence. They were ready to leave their home on the beach for the last time.

“I’m really going to miss this place,” Hutch said, breaking the silence as he took one last look at the water. Starsky was surprised to see what looked like tears in Hutch’s eyes.

Starsky wanted to reach out to his friend, to offer some kind of comfort for whatever it was that was troubling Hutch, but it was as if a wall had been placed between them.

As if reading Starsky’s thoughts, Hutch said, “Starsk. There’s nothing wrong. Really.”

“I know better than that, Hutch,” Starsky replied, as he slid into the driver’s seat of the Torino. “But I’ll drop it for now. Just remember, there’s nothing we can’t talk about. I’m always here for you. But you know that already, don’t you?”

“Starsky, I think you’ve proven you’re always there for me.” Wanting the subject dropped, Hutch turned and looked out his window.

* * *

After being back at work for almost a week, Starsky began to wonder if he was working with a stranger. Sure, he looked like the same tall, lanky blond, but inside that body was someone he wasn’t sure he knew. This person just seemed to be going through the motions. Oh, he was doing his share when it came to work, but there was none of the relaxed easiness they had always found between them. Hutch was silent and withdrawn most of the time. I miss the way it used to be. The way it should be.

Starsky’s stomach told him it had to be lunchtime. “Hey, Hutch, where you wanna go for lunch?”

“I’m not really hungry.” Hutch continued typing his report. Never looking up. “You go ahead and go.”

“Come on, Hutch…you know I hate eating alone. You’ve got to be hungry. You haven’t had anything since early this morning. It’s almost two o’clock.”

“I said I’m not hungry. Just go eat and don’t worry about me.” Hutch’s tone had turned defensive.

“Fine!” Starsky had just about lost all patience with his moody and brooding partner. He threw down the pen in his hand and grabbed his jacket. “Have it your way. I’ll be back later.” Shoving his chair angrily against his desk, Starsky stormed off.

Forty-five minutes and four tacos later, Starsky was back. The chair across from him was empty. He looked around, but no Hutch. Even his jacket was gone. Did he finally decide he was hungry? Damn fool!

“Starsky, I need to talk to you,” Dobey bellowed from his doorway.

Starsky jumped at the unexpected summons. “Sure thing, Cap’n.” Starsky bounded into Dobey’s office, still looking around for his blond partner. “What’s up?”

“That’s what I was planning to ask you. What’s up with Hutch?” Dobey drummed his fingers on his desk and looked expectantly at his detective. “Well?”

“I’m not sure what you mean, Cap’n, I mean, nothing’s wrong as far as I know, other than he’s been a bit on the cranky side the last few days.”

“Nothing, huh? Then why did your cranky partner just go home sick?”

“Sick? Honest, Cap’n, I don’t know a thing about Hutch being sick. ‘Course that would explain him being so irritable lately.” Starsky was beginning to feel uneasy. Could Hutch be sick? He didn’t seem sick, but…something’s wrong with him that’s for sure.

“Well, find out what’s going on and get back to me. Make sure he sees a doctor if he’s sick.” Dobey’s gruff tone was more bark than bite. He cared a lot about the team of Starsky and Hutchinson. “Now, get those reports finished up and on my desk before you leave today.”

“You got it, Cap’n.” Starsky’s step had lost its bounce, as he made his way back to his desk. Picking up the phone, he dialed Hutch’s number. He let the phone ring a dozen or so times, but no answer. The rest of the afternoon seemed to drag on, as he worked on finishing their backlog of paperwork. Paperwork was his least favorite part of the job. Hutch never seemed to mind it so much, though.

When quitting time rolled around, Starsky didn’t waste a second. He was out the door and in the Torino before anyone realized he was gone. As he made his way through rush hour traffic, he kept going over Hutch’s behavior in the last week or so. What happened to make you so withdrawn and irritable? You should be feeling great. You’re back on your feet and back to work. What’s eating you?

* * *

After knocking on Hutch’s door several times and getting no answer, Starsky pulled his keys from his pocket and let himself in. The apartment was dark, except for a light in the kitchen. “Hutch?” It didn’t take Starsky long to find the blond sitting out in the greenhouse. “Hey, buddy, what ya doing sitting out here in the dark? Dobey said you were sick. What’s wrong?” Starsky’s voice was heavy with concern. The memory of all they had been through in the last months was fresh in his mind.

“I’m not sick. I just told Dobey that.” Hutch’s voice came out of the darkness and held a hint of apology. “Sorry, you made the trip for nothing. I’m just a little tired.”

“Maybe you’ve been overdoing things. Think maybe you came back to work too soon?” Starsky asked as he moved closer to Hutch. It’s not like Hutch to lie about being sick. Something must really be bothering him.

“No, I don’t think it was too soon. To be honest, Starsk, I’m not really sure what my problem is. I…I just feel like something’s missing. I can’t explain it. But really, I’m not sick. At least not physically. Just feeling a little lost.”

“You want to talk about it?” Starsky settled in the chair next to Hutch.

“Not yet. Starsk, before I can talk about it, I have to figure out what’s wrong.” Hutch’s voice did sound tired and somewhat strained.

“All right, but remember when you’re ready to talk, I’m here.”

“I’ll remember.”

“Hey, did you eat?” Starsky asked, feeling changing the subject might be a good idea.

“No, not yet.”

“How about I fix us something?”

“Starsky, remember I’m not sick, I can fix myself something to eat.”

“I know you’re not sick, but you did say you were tired. And anyway, if I fix it, I know it will be something I can eat, too.” Starsky patted Hutch on the back. “Stay put and I’ll have a feast ready in no time.”

* * *

Hutch couldn’t help but smile as he watched Starsky, with his usual bounce, head off to the kitchen. I miss him being around all the time. I miss him? Where the hell did that come from?

Hutch could hear Starsky rattling around in the kitchen–cupboard doors slamming and dishes clattering. It sounded like old times. Is that it? I miss Starsky? That’s crazy, I still see him every day. But it’s not the same as him being around all the time and taking care of me.

“Hey, Hutch, come on. It’s almost time to eat,” Starsky yelled from the kitchen.

Getting to his feet, Hutch couldn’t help but think about the months when he couldn’t walk. The months when Starsky had been caring for him. I owe Starsky a lot. I wouldn’t be walking now if he hadn’t been there for me. He never gave up on me. He’s always been so giving and caring with me. No matter what I do, he sticks around. He accepts me as I am. No one has ever really done that before. Everyone has always wanted to change me in some way. It’s as if no one has ever liked me just as I am. Not Vanessa, not even my parents. Just Starsky.

“Hey, Hutch, what’s taking so long?”

The clattering in the kitchen had stopped, and Hutch could hear Starsky moving a chair around. “I’m coming.”

Taking his seat at the table, Hutch smiled his first real smile in days. “Thanks, Starsk.”

“Thanks, for what?” Not that it mattered to Starsky what he was being thanked for. The smile on Hutch’s face was all that counted.

“For always being there, never giving up on me. Thanks, buddy.”

“Any time, and I mean that. Now eat.”

Realizing just how hungry he was, Hutch quickly emptied his plate. Looking up, he found Starsky grinning at him. “What?”

“Nothing, I was just thinking. It’s kind of weird not living together, huh?”

“What?” For a brief second, Hutch wondered if Starsky was reading his mind.

“Us not living together anymore…feels kind of weird, huh? Well, I guess what I mean is that I sort of miss us living together. It was kinda comfortable.” Starsky paused. “Might sound sort of funny, but I liked taking care of you.”

“Well, I liked you taking care of me. I couldn’t have handled anyone else doing it. I miss us living together, too. And I miss our house. That was a pretty nice set-up we had there.” Hutch smiled, remembering the white sand and the blue water.

“But there is a plus side to not having to take care of you.”

“I’m sure there is.” Hutch laughed at the expression on Starsky’s face. He looked like he had just found a candy machine that was giving away free candy bars. “So what’s this plus side that has you looking so happy?”

“Women. Lots more time for women. I know some would say you’re good looking and all, but you’re just not my type. Not the right equipment, if you know what I mean.” Starsky gave Hutch a look that could only be described as lecherous.

“You’re the only one who’s ever complained about my ‘equipment.’ ” Hutch did his best to look offended, which suddenly wasn’t hard to do. I liked it a lot better when I didn’t have to share him. Share him? What the hell is this all about?

“Now, Hutch, don’t take it personally. I just prefer female equipment. If I was into…well…men, I’m sure I’d find you…” Starsky’s voice trailed off and he burst into laughter. “Hutch, I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.”

“That makes two of us.” All of a sudden, Hutch wasn’t enjoying the conversation very much. But he didn’t want Starsky to notice, so he laughed and pretended he was enjoying the silliness.

His performance was not as good as he would have liked, though. Starsky was watching him with a worried look on his face. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay. Just a little tired, I guess.” Hutch hoped that Starsky would accept that little lie.

“Tell you what, you take tomorrow off. I’ll tell Dobey you have a touch of the flu. Maybe by Monday you’ll be feeling better.”

“Starsky, remember I’m not sick.”

“Yeah, but maybe you’ll figure out what’s bothering you and we can talk about it and then you’ll feel better.” Starsky grinned at his friend.

Hutch couldn’t help but return the grin. Starsky seemed to think it would be so simple. He had to admire that in Starsky. Nothing was ever too complicated. “Yeah, maybe by Monday I’ll have it all figured out.”

“Okay, I’m gonna get out of here. Give you some time to get some rest and think. You know, maybe sort out what’s going on in that brain of yours.” Starsky stood and placed his hand on Hutch’s shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Call me if you want to talk. Any time day or night, okay?”

“Okay, Starsk. I’ll call you.”

“Promise? I know how you keep things buried inside. Seems like that’s how you get yourself into trouble. Don’t bury it inside. Don’t do it, Hutch.” Starsky’s tone reflected how serious he was.

“I promise I’ll call you. As soon as I sort things out, we’ll talk. Promise.” Reaching up, Hutch grasped the hand that rested on his shoulder. “Relax, I’m just feeling a little depressed. It’s not the end of the world.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” Starsky wasn’t entirely convinced he should relax, but Hutch seemed pretty confident that it wasn’t anything serious. And Hutch did have unexplained moody periods now and then. Hell, it happened quite often. Guess, I’m over-reacting. Not easy to let go of the worry after watching him suffer through the last few months. “I’ll get out of here, then. You get some rest. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Thanks, partner.” Hutch smiled, happy to see the worry had left his friend’s face. Starsky has spent way too much time worrying about me. Time for him to get back to his usual fun loving self. “Now get out of here.”

After Starsky left, Hutch cleaned up the kitchen and grabbed a beer. He settled himself back in his chair in the greenhouse. I honestly don’t know why I’m feeling so down. How can I miss Starsky when I see him every day? No, it’s not missing him exactly. It’s wanting more. Wanting more. Hutch felt sick as he realized what he really wanted. What the hell am I thinking? This could ruin everything we have going for us. No! I’m not in love with my partner. I love him like I always have. As my best friend, nothing more. Hutch nervously got to his feet and began a slow pace around the greenhouse. I’m lying to myself and I know it. If I can’t admit it to myself, how will I ever be able to admit it to Starsky? I won’t. I won’t ever say anything to Starsky about my real feelings toward him. Not ever! He can never know.

* * *

The following week, Hutch’s performance was convincing enough that Starsky seemed satisfied everything was once again right in Hutch’s world.

After work on Friday, they went to Huggy’s for their usual beer and burgers. As Starsky talked incessantly about his upcoming date the next night, Hutch began to worry that the smile he kept plastered on his face would become permanent.

“Dana’s really something, Hutch. I can’t wait for you to meet her.” Starsky positively glowed just talking about his newest lady.

“That’s great, Starsk.” Hutch struggled to sound happy for his friend.

“Well, when do you want to meet her?” Starsky inquired anxiously.

“How about next week? You pick the day.” Hutch just didn’t feel up to meeting this wonderful creature of Starsky’s this weekend. He wasn’t sure he could continue his carefree, everything’s okay routine much longer. He desperately needed a break. Some time to get his thoughts in order again.

“You got plans this weekend?” Starsky looked inquiringly at his partner. He didn’t remember Hutch mentioning anything in particular.

“Not yet,” Hutch replied quickly, “but I was thinking of giving Erica a call.”

“Erica, huh? Can’t say I blame you there. Okay, next week it is.” As much as Starsky wanted Hutch to meet his new lady, he could wait. Just knowing Hutch was feeling better about things and getting on with life was all that was important.

Relieved that he wouldn’t yet have to come face-to-face with the woman responsible for the grin that had been plastered on his partner’s face all week, Hutch relaxed a bit. They finished their dinner with some of their back-and-forth bantering and joking.

* * *

Letting himself into his apartment after Starsky had dropped him off, Hutch collapsed on the couch. He was exhausted. Closing his eyes, he leaned his head back against the couch. When had everything changed? The question hammered at him. Why? Why do I suddenly want more than the friendship and love Starsky has always given so freely? Why not? My track record with women hasn’t exactly been fulfilling. Starsky provides me with more love than any one person could possibly ever need. And it’s unconditional. No strings. Nothing expected in return. Is it really so strange that I would find myself wanting to settle into a safe, secure relationship with someone who clearly loves me? Maybe not strange, but certainly selfish. Would I really expect Starsk to give up women and his dreams of a family? What the hell am I going to do about this? How does one turn off their feelings?

Despite the fatigue he was feeling, Hutch knew sleep was not going to come easily. Opening his eyes, he looked around, stretched, and then pulled himself to his feet. After a trip to the refrigerator, he returned with a cold beer. If I drink enough of this, maybe I’ll pass out. Is that the answer? Sit here every night and drink myself into a stupor? That’ll work; Starsk will never notice. The bitter chuckle that escaped Hutch’s lips echoed in the quiet room.

Memories of the months Starsky had spent all his time caring for him flooded over Hutch. I almost think that part of me was happier. I couldn’t walk…but Starsky was always there. Damn it, I’ve got to put these thoughts of Starsky out of mind. Drinking might not be the answer, but there has to be a way to do it. Still hoping that alcohol might do the trick, Hutch downed a few more beers before calling it a night.

* * * *

The next day, Hutch debated calling Erica. Going out with her would require more acting. On the other hand, if he stayed home alone, his thoughts would be of Starsky and Dana. Life had become very complicated. Sighing deeply, Hutch decided to concentrate on the things that needed doing around his apartment. Vacuuming the floor and washing dishes wouldn’t be much of a distraction, but it was better than nothing. Later, he did some laundry and tended to his plants. Before he knew it, the afternoon had passed. Now what?

The evening seemed to loom bleakly ahead for Hutch. The things he usually enjoyed doing didn’t hold much attraction for him. Wonder what Starsky’s doing right now? No, I don’t want to know.

After idly pacing for several minutes, without thinking, Hutch reached for his guitar. Then, realizing he wasn’t in the mood for music, set it back down. I have to get out of here. I’ll drive myself crazy staying in this apartment wondering what Starsky’s doing.

Grabbing his jacket and keys, Hutch headed out the door. Once outside, he debated whether to walk or drive. Walking won out, and he started off with no destination in mind. If nothing else, a good long walk should tire me out.

Any hopes that the walk would take his mind off his partner were quickly dashed. Every couple that Hutch passed reminded him that Starsky was out with some woman named Dana. Someone who seemed to have totally captured the attention of his partner. And how can I forget that I’m supposed to meet this lady next week. I might as well switch careers and go into acting. I’m gonna be doing enough of it.

After walking several blocks, Hutch found the flashing neon lights of a bar silently beckoning to him. Why not?

Hutch found a table in the back of the smoke-filled bar. The place was crowded and the noise was deafening. Not the kind of place he normally would frequent. Sitting down, he ordered a beer from the slightly frazzled looking waitress and sat back to observe the boisterous goings on of the somewhat seedy-looking surroundings. What the hell am I doing here? But the atmosphere did prove to be a bit distracting. As a cop, he was aware that there were several crimes taking place in the bar. But he was off duty. No badge, no gun. Tonight he was totally off duty and just observing. He watched as a hooker made her move on a slightly balding, middle-aged man sitting at the bar.

As Hutch finished his third beer, he heard a soft voice ask, “Mind if I sit here?”

Hutch turned and looked into the face of a young girl. Probably not much more than eighteen. Just a kid. Clearly, the girl was hoping to do some business. “Not a good idea,” Hutch said as he drained the last of his beer. Looking around for the waitress, he realized the girl was still standing beside the table.

“You look kind of lonely. I don’t bite. Well, unless that’s what you’re into.” The girl gave a nervous little laugh. Sitting down, she smiled at Hutch. “I’m harmless, really.”

“I doubt that.”

“You’re lonely; I can see it in your eyes. Nothing wrong with having a little company, is there?”

“It’s just not a good idea.” She’s so young. How did she end up here in this dingy bar hustling? Hutch got the attention of the waitress and motioned for her to bring him another beer. “I think you’d be better off to move on. I’m not good company right now.”

“So, we don’t have to talk. I’m sure we could find something we would both enjoy doing.” The girl slid her hand down Hutch’s thigh and the other arm around his neck and moved closer to him. “I could make you feel really good. I’ll make you forget whatever it is that brought you to this dump.”

Her mouth grazed his earlobe as she delivered a slow, shivery series of kisses along his neck and throat. Hutch was now finding it hard to concentrate. This is wrong. She’s too young…she’s a hooker. I’m a cop. But it’s been so long. Starsky… But I can’t have you…I can’t even tell you how I feel. I can’t take the chance on destroying our friendship. He pulled away from the lips that were reeking havoc on him.

Taking a deep swallow of the beer the waitress had set in front him, Hutch took a few seconds to study the young girl who had become the cause of the urgent desire that had taken hold of him. There was no doubt she was young. Also no doubt she was skilled in her trade, Hutch thought, as the hand on his thigh began a caressing movement, causing the bulge in his pants to harden. Her young face had a delicate, almost fragile, look to it. Her hair was honey colored and hung down past her shoulders in soft waves. Despite the skill demonstrated with her hands, the face still showed a hint of innocence. He knew he should get up and walk out of there and away from this temptation. But he also knew he wasn’t going to.

“I’ve got a room about a block from here. You know you want me, so let’s go.”

The girl got to her feet. Hutch found himself following her out the door. He was relieved that the rest of the bar patrons seemed to be paying no attention to them as they moved slowly through the bar toward the door. The aroused state he was in would be vividly evident to anyone who happened to glance in his direction.

Once outside the girl took his hand, giving him a little smile. “Hey, you got a name?”

“Ken.”

“Hi, Ken, I’m Sara.”

Hutch remained silent as they made their way down the street toward Sara’s room. None of it seemed real. I’m a cop, walking down the street with a hooker, going to her room to… The thought of what they were about to do made his pulse quicken and his heart pound harder. I’m about to do something I haven’t done in a long time. Hell, I’ve never done it with a prostitute. I need it…I want it…but I know it’s wrong. I should turn around and walk away from her now. She’s a hooker…and so young.

While Hutch was lost in his troubled thoughts, the young hooker studied him. Her first thought was how good-looking he was. He’s so blond and beautiful. And he certainly doesn’t look like he should be hanging out in that seedy, rundown bar. He’s hurting. Maybe a romance gone bad? For some inexplicable reason, it became important to her to make the blond stranger forget whatever it was that was causing him pain. More important than the twenty-five dollars she planned to charge him. He needs me. He may not know it, but he needs me. This man hasn’t said more than ten words to me, and I find myself caring about him. Wanting to make him feel better. There’s just something about him…

“We’re here.” Sara pointed to a shabby looking hotel two doors from where they were. The sign above the door was faded and the letters were barely legible, but Hutch managed to make out the name: “Silver Palace Hotel.”

Seeing Hutch look up at the faded sign, Sara said, “Not exactly fit for royalty is it?”

Hutch managed a feeble grin. Sara’s room was on the second floor. She pushed open the door and motioned for Hutch to go in. He hesitated briefly, then entered the room. The room was a pleasant surprise to Hutch. Sara had obviously worked very hard to make her surroundings homey. A bright curtain hung on the window. The walls were painted a soft yellow. A vase filled with fresh flowers adorned the nightstand. A nervous glance at the bed showed fresh, clean sheets and several fluffy pillows.

“Nice.” Hutch’s tone confirmed the nervousness he was feeling.

“I think I should go…this just isn’t right.” Hutch turned toward the door.

“Hey, come on, relax. You know I’m just what you need right now.” With a firm hold on his hand, she pulled him toward the bed. “Sit down.”

Hutch was pushed onto the bed. Any nervousness he was feeling was quickly replaced by hungry desire, as he watched her unbutton her blouse and then reach behind and unfasten her black lacy bra. Hutch watched as she let the bra fall to the floor and her small firm breasts were released. Any thoughts of leaving had vanished. Her skirt and panties soon joined her bra and blouse on the floor. Stepping over her scattered clothing, she moved toward Hutch. His gaze never left her naked body, as her hands began the task of unbuttoning his shirt. When the shirt was unbuttoned, she slowly slid it off and it dropped to the floor, joining her discarded clothing. She gently pushed Hutch down onto the bed. A low moan escaped from Hutch’s lips, as her experienced hands made short work of removing his pants and underwear.

As she straddled him, Hutch’s hands reached out to touch the rosy peaks of her breasts. His hands quivered as he made contact, and her nipples firmed under his touch. “Oh, God,” he whispered. His heart was pounding so hard he felt his chest might explode any minute.

Her lips started at his neck and moved slowly downward. As she licked and nibbled at his nipples, he thought he would lose his mind completely. “It’s not gonna take me long. It’s been a while and I don’t think I’m gonna be able to hold back for long.” Hutch’s voice shook as he fought the urge to come.

“That’s okay,” She softly whispered into his ear. How ’bout I get you off quick now, and later we can take our time?”

Before Hutch had time to reply, her hand had taken firm hold of his aching cock. She stroked and pumped him gently at first and then more firmly. He arched his body, pushing hard into her hand. “Yes, oh, yes.” Man, this is so good. I’d forgotten just how good this could be.

Sara’s hands kept up their stroking and pumping as her mouth continued its journey downward. Her tongue licked his navel, and she smiled as the blond shuddered. Moving back up to his nipples, she gently bit first one, then the other.

“What are you trying to do to me? You’re driving me crazy here. What happened to getting me off quick?” Hutch spoke in a husky whisper. “You’re torturing me.”

“You just hold on, boy. I’m gonna take care of you right now.”

Hutch felt her hands slide underneath him and his buttocks were stroked and kneaded and then her mouth descended onto his throbbing cock. She sucked and licked every inch of his starving organ. She kept her firm grip on his buttocks, holding him in place as she took him deeper into her throat. Hutch moaned loudly, as he arched his hips and thrust into the moist, hot mouth. “Oh, God.”

Sara brought one small hand around and gripped the base of his cock. Pumping it into her mouth, her tongue sucked at the sensitive underside as her teeth scraped delicately. Her other hand found his velvety balls and squeezed them gently, making him groan yet again.

Hissing with pleasure he arched upwards, his hands clenched into fists as his climax ripped through him. “Incredible…” Hutch struggled to catch his breath. “Just incredible.”

“Does that mean you liked it?” Sara watched as a small smile spread across the blond’s face.

“Did I like it?” Hutch reached down and pulled the young woman up and lightly kissed her on the forehead. “I think my heart stopped.”

Sara gave him a soft kiss as she laid her head on his chest.

“Sorry,” Hutch whispered.

Sara looked up at Hutch with a puzzled expression. “Sorry?”

“That was kind of one-sided. I was selfish. I didn’t even think about you.” Hutch felt badly, realizing he had acted in such a manner.

Sara laughed softly, “Ken, I’m a prostitute and no one ever worries about me or my needs. I get paid to satisfy men’s needs.” She shrugged matter-of-factly, “No big deal.”

Hutch gazed at the young girl, suddenly feeling very sad. “Why do you do this? You’re so young. You should be home with your family.” Guilt washed over him as he thought about the way he had just used her. I’m no better than some of the scum I deal with on the streets.

“Let’s just say this beats the heck out of being home with my family. Don’t look so sad. It’s really not all that bad. I’m doing okay. Really.” Sara ran her hand softly down his face. “You’re a really nice guy. Maybe I should ask you why you’re here? Some lady break your heart?”

“No, nothing like that.”

“I don’t think I believe you. I see something in your eyes. And I know that bar is not your usual kind of place. I could tell you didn’t belong there.”

“You’re pretty smart for someone so young. Just how old are you?”

“Don’t worry, I’m legal.”

“How legal?” Hutch asked, as he pulled himself up so he was leaning against the headboard of the bed.

“You sure ask a lot of questions. I’m nineteen. Okay?”

“Nineteen. So damn young.” Hutch’s voice held a faint tremor. “Don’t you want more out of your life?”

“You’re just too damn nice. Don’t worry about me. I’ve been doing this for three years. Now, how about we get back to business? I think we discussed getting you off quick and then taking our time on the next round.” She ran her hands down Hutch’s smooth chest.

His first thought was to get up, pay her, and leave. But somewhere in his mind he found that idea unappealing. He felt he owed her more than a twenty left on the dresser on his way out.

“Hey, come on back down here.” Sara pulled Hutch back down beside her as her lips began nibbling a path down his neck and shoulders. Wanting more for her this time, he rolled her off of him so now he was above her. His lips began a journey down her body. Her throat, her neck, and down to her breasts. His tongue slowly caressed her hard, pink nipples first one, then the other. He heard her whimper and knew he was on the right track. His mouth moved upward again and his lips found hers. As he forced her lips open with his tongue, he opened his eyes to see an expression of complete and utter wonder on her face. Almost as if she had been given some wondrous gift. No one has ever treated her like this. She’s never known the pleasure she’s entitled to.

As he continued his gentle assault on her mouth, he started a soft caress of her body. She shivered as he fondled her breasts. His hands moved down and slid between her legs. His fingers slid easily into her moistness and he moved them in and out, always making sure to hit just the right spot. Sara gasped at the sensations that had taken control of her body. This feels so good. I’ve never felt like this before.

Hutch knew she was close and wanted to make it as good for her as he possibly could. His fingers were moving faster as Sara began thrusting against his hand. His other hand stroked one breast, while his mouth sucked the other. “Oh, my God, what are you doing to me?” Shuddering and shivering, she moaned. Hutch felt her tighten up and her body convulsed. She continued to quiver and shake, her eyes still closed.

“Look at me,” he whispered.

She opened her eyes and managed a weak whisper. “What did you do to me? I never….”

It hit Hutch then that this nineteen-year-old hooker had just experienced her first orgasm. He pulled her tightly into his arms and just rocked her gently.

“What was it you said? ‘Incredible?’ That doesn’t even begin to describe what you just did to me.” Sara sighed, and Hutch could see tears forming in her dark eyes.

Does that mean you liked it?” Hutch couldn’t resist asking as he grinned down at her.

“Yeah, I liked it.” She was barely able to keep the laughter from her voice as she reached down and stroked his neglected erection. “Seems to me I remember you saying something about one-sided.”

She moved down and started to take him in her mouth.

“No, not like that,” Hutch insisted, pulling her back up then shifting around so that now he was on top of her. He kissed her and began to once again caress her body. Sensing her renewed arousal, he parted her thighs and slowly entered her. Shivers of delight raced through her body as he–gently at first, then harder–thrust into her.

Hutch smiled to himself as he felt her tighten around him as she came again. Only then did he let himself fully enjoy the sensation. Rolling off her, he pulled her close, and soon their relaxed and sated bodies drifted into sleep.

* * *

Hutch opened his eyes and struggled to remember where he was. Then recalling the events of the previous night, he couldn’t help but feel some shame. But he felt something else, too. Something he couldn’t quite put a name to. Looking at the young girl in his arms, he felt a rush of tenderness. She’s a hooker, yet in some ways so innocent. He quietly got out of bed, trying not to disturb the sleeping girl. The clock on the nightstand read five-thirty. He dressed quickly, now anxious to get out of there and do some serious thinking about what he had just done. And even more importantly, why he had done it.

Stopping at the dresser, he pulled his wallet out of his pocket and took out several bills, then pulled out a few more. First time he’d ever paid for it.

As he opened the door to leave, he turned and took the remaining money out of his wallet and placed it on the dresser. Like money will take away the shame. “No, nothing will take away the shame.” The words were uttered out loud and Hutch looked nervously around, hoping he hadn’t woken Sara. But she continued to sleep, undisturbed.

* * *

Arriving home, Hutch sank on the couch. So many emotions had built up inside him, he didn’t know what to think anymore. What the hell would Starsky think of me if he knew what I had done? Just one more dirty little secret to keep from him. We never used to have secrets from each other. Damn, I’m tired.

Hutch got up and moved into the bedroom. Not even bothering to undress, he just flopped onto the bed. Sleep would be his escape.

* * *

The ringing of the phone jolted Hutch from his deep sleep. Groggy, it took him a few seconds to realize what it was that had disturbed his sleep. Staring at the phone, he somehow knew it was Starsky on the other end. I have to answer it. It could be an emergency. Could even be Dobey.

“Hello,” Hutch mumbled as he spoke into the phone.

“Hutch? Guess I woke you up, huh? Sorry.” Starsky’s voice, unlike Hutch’s, was alert and cheerful. “I can call you back later.”

“Damage is done, Starsk. What’d you want?” Hutch pulled himself into a sitting position and looked at the clock. It was ten-thirty. “I didn’t realize how late it was.”

“Late night, huh?”

“More like a late morning,” Hutch groaned softly.

“Well, you go back to sleep. I didn’t want anything important. Just wanted to know if you wanna join Dana and me later in the park? Anyway, if you get a chance, stop by. The usual place.”

Hutch was silent for a few seconds. “Tell you what? Let me take a shower and get some coffee into me. If I feel halfway human, I’ll stop by for a little while.”

“Fair enough. I take it Erica musta worn you out last night.” Starsky gave an amused chuckle. “Maybe you’re getting too old for those late night activities.”

“I’m glad you find me so amusing this morning. I’m gonna hang up now and take a shower. And for your information, it wasn’t Erica.” Hutch hung up the phone. Now he’ll want to know who it was that kept me up so late. I just can’t keep making up lies.

Hutch closed his eyes as the hot water cascaded over his tired body. Damn, I’m confused. How long can I keep secrets from Starsky? And if he finds out about the prostitute… Hutch grabbed the soap and began a vigorous scrubbing of his body. No matter how hard I scrub, I won’t be able to wash away what happened last night.

As the last of the soap was rinsed off him, Hutch stepped out of the shower. He wrapped a towel around himself. Coffee was the next order of business. As he waited for the coffee to brew, he threw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, then combed his hair and brushed his teeth. Guess I’m as ready to meet this lady of Starsky’s, as I’ll ever be. Damn it, think of Starsky’s feelings for a change. He’s happy. That’s all that matters. Yeah, think of Starsky. That’s almost funny. Was I thinking about him last night…when I… No, I was trying to forget him.

Swallowing down two scalding cups of strong black coffee, Hutch nervously paced the kitchen. Damn, I’m nervous. Nervous about seeing Starsky. Time for another performance. Guess that makes what I’m feeling, stage fright, huh?

Even from across the park, Hutch could see the happiness radiating from Starsky. Starsky and his lady were sitting on a blanket underneath a large tree. As Dana looked up at Starsky, he leaned down and gave her a kiss. They were the picture of bliss. Be happy for him. Ignore the breaking of your heart and be happy for both of them. He deserves it and you certainly owe him.

“Hey, break it up, you two. This is a family park.” Hutch forced a wide grin on his face, as he joined the happy couple.

“I’m glad you made it.” Starsky’s smile was one of pure delight at seeing his friend. Standing, he reached down and helped the pretty brunette sitting on the blanket to her feet. “Dana, I want you to meet my partner, who also happens to be my very best friend. This is Hutch. And, Hutch, this is the lady I’ve been telling you about, Dana.” Starsky positively beamed as Hutch reached out and took Dana’s hand.

“It’s a real pleasure.” Hutch smiled as he took the small hand. Looking down into her eyes, he could see she was genuinely happy to meet him.

“I’m happy to finally meet you; Dave talks about you all the time.” The smile on her face let Hutch know that she didn’t seem to mind hearing about him.”

“He must be boring you to death.” Hutch shook his head, smiling in the direction of his partner.

“Not at all.” She smiled at Starsky.

“Come on, Hutch, sit down. Tell us what you’ve been up to.” Starsky motioned toward the blanket that was spread out on the ground.

Hutch nervously paced around the blanket, as Dana and Starsky took their places back on the blanket. I can’t sit here and make small talk with them, and I sure as hell don’t want to talk about my so-called date last night. I’ve got to get out of here. “I think, I’ll just take off, Starsk. You know the old saying, ‘three’s a crowd’.”

“Not with us, buddy. You know that.” Starsky noticed the nervous state his partner was in. “Is something wrong, Hutch?” Starsky got to his feet.

“No, nothing’s wrong. I’m sorry, Starsk, guess I’m just not good company today. How about the three of us go out to dinner next week? My treat. And I promise to be more sociable then.”

“Okay, I’ll let you off the hook for today. But I’m holding you to dinner next week.” Starsky watched as relief spread over Hutch’s face. “You’d tell me if there was anything wrong, right?”

“I wouldn’t have any choice, would I?” Hutch managed a weak grin. “Really nothing’s wrong.”

“Okay, partner, I’ll see you tomorrow.” Wanting to believe Hutch when he said everything was okay, Starsky could only grin back. “I’m driving, so I’ll pick you up in the morning.”

“I’ll be ready.” Looking down at Dana, who still sat on the blanket watching the two partners, Hutch smiled somewhat apologetically. “Sorry to be taking off so soon. It was nice meeting you, and I hope we can all get together for dinner one night next week.”

“It was nice meeting you, Ken. I’m looking forward to having dinner with you.” The warm smile she beamed in Hutch’s direction suddenly made him feel guilty. Guilty of what, he wasn’t sure.

Starsky and Dana watched as Hutch walked back across the park toward his car.

“What’s wrong? You look worried.” Dana pulled Starsky back down on the blanket. “I don’t think there is anything for you to worry about.”

“It’s that obvious that I worry about him?”

“Yeah, but I think it’s nice.” Dana leaned forward and kissed Starsky lightly on the cheek.

“What makes you so sure there’s nothing to worry about?” Starsky asked, as he leaned back and settled his head in her lap.

“Just that from what you’ve told me about your relationship with your partner, if it’s anything serious, when he’s ready he’ll want to talk it over with you.” She ran her hand through his dark curls and smiled down at the face in her lap. “It sounds like he’s been through a lot lately. Both of you have. Don’t you think it’s kind of understandable that he might need to some time to adjust to everything that’s happened? You, too. You’ve become used to worrying about him, and you can’t seem to stop now that he’s back on his feet.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right. But it’s so damn hard not to worry about him. Especially after all he’s been through. But you’re right, when he’s ready he’ll tell me what’s bothering him.”

“So relax and let’s just enjoy our afternoon.”

“You got it!”

* * *

Hutch drove away from the park, feeling nothing but disgust for himself. Starsky’s so full of enthusiasm, feeling good about his new relationship with Dana and what do I do? I run off. Why? Because it hurts to see him so happy with someone? And it makes it worse that she’s so darn nice. I have to come to terms with this somehow. But how? What do I do until then? Maybe just keep my distance from the happy couple as much as possible. And if I can’t come to terms with it? Do I spend the rest of my life living behind a façade?

Not anxious to return to his empty apartment, Hutch found himself driving somewhat aimlessly. It didn’t take him long to realize he was heading toward the area of the beach house he had shared with Starsky during his convalescence. I went through a lot of ups and downs there, but somehow it was one of the happiest periods in my life. Pathetic… really pathetic. You were crippled, totally dependent on Starsky for everything and you were happy. Hutchinson, you’re one sick bastard.

Pulling up in front of the beach house, he was surprised to find a “for sale” sign in the yard. The place appeared to be empty, so Hutch parked his car next to house. Unable to resist the lure of the sand and water, Hutch made his way down to the beach. He gazed out across the water, as the warm afternoon sun beat down on him. A feeling of peace seemed to envelop him. The thought of walking barefoot along the water became so appealing to him that he slipped off his shoes and socks. The warm sand felt good between his toes, as he began a slow stroll down the beach. I think I could stay here forever. I feel so relaxed and at peace here. It is for sale. I wonder…?

Sitting down on the sand, Hutch pulled on his socks and shoes. Task completed, he sat for a while, his thoughts wandering back to the time spent here with Starsky. Starsky had sure been determined that I would walk again. And it really is because of him that I can walk today. He wouldn’t give up. He…he deserves his happiness now. I owe him that much. Hell, I owe him more than I can ever repay. My feelings don’t count now. Starsky is the only one that matters now. He put me first when I needed him. Now it’s my turn to do the same for him.

The decision made–that Starsky’s happiness was what mattered not his own selfish needs–Hutch stood and took one more quick look out over the water and then made another decision. Tomorrow he was going to look into buying this place.

* * *

Monday, they followed up some leads on a case they were working on. Leads that led nowhere. All in all, it was a pretty frustrating start to the new week. To make matters worse, Starsky was once again eating lunch alone. Hutch had left to go to the bank. He had been a little surprised to hear that Hutch had spent all his money over the weekend and had nothing left to make it through the week. You must have had one heck of a weekend, partner. But why so secretive about it? Starsky had tried his best to find out how Hutch had spent Saturday night. All he knew for sure was that Hutch had had a few drinks with some mystery lady.

After Hutch returned from the bank, the detectives spent the rest of the afternoon finishing up some of their endless paperwork. Tomorrow morning, it would be back out on the street trying to shake something loose. Hopefully, with better luck than they had had today.

* * *

As the Torino came to a stop in front of Hutch’s building, Hutch realized he was not looking forward to another night alone. “So, you and Dana have plans tonight?”

“Yeah, we’re gonna take in a movie.”

“Oh. Well, you two have fun. Oh, and by the way, Starsky, I really liked her. Very nice lady. I’m just trying to figure out what it is that she sees in you?” Hutch hoped he was hiding the disappointment he was feeling. He’d thought he and Starsky could go by Huggy’s and grab a burger and a couple of beers.

“Funny, Hutch, real funny.” Starsky flashed a grin in Hutch’s direction. You know you’re more than welcome to join us at the movies. And I don’t want to hear that ‘three’s a crowd’ crap.”

“Okay, I won’t give you that ‘three’s a crowd crap’ but I’ll pass on the movie. Maybe some other time. I’ve got some things I need to take care of anyway. You two have fun.” Hutch opened the door and slid out of the car, but before shutting the door, he leaned in and said, “She’s nice, Starsky. Really nice. Oh, and you two decide what night you want to go to dinner and I’ll make reservations somewhere nice.”

“Sounds good, Hutch. You want me to pick you up in the morning?”

“No, I’ll drive in myself. I need to do some grocery shopping and run a few errands after work.”

“Okay, buddy, you have a good night.”

“You, too, Starsk, and say hi to Dana for me.”

Hutch stood and watched as the Torino sped off down the street. I think that went well. And I did truly mean it when I said Dana was nice. She is. I really do want him to be happy. Maybe this will get easier with time. But right now it hurts like hell.

After showering and changing clothes, Hutch looked through his empty refrigerator. Still feeling a little disappointed that Starsky had plans, he shut the refrigerator and sat down at the table. Well, I have to eat. No reason I can’t go to Huggy’s by myself.

But once seated in his car and pulling away from the curb, Hutch found himself driving in the opposite direction of Huggy’s. He ignored the voice inside telling him not to do this. What difference does it make where I have a burger and a beer? Huggy would just want to know where Starsky was.

Seeing the flashing light on the sign in front of the bar, he slowed down. Finding a parking place just down from the bar, he parked the car and got out. Looking up at the flashing sign, he actually took a moment to read the sign this time. Charlie’s Place–Charlie, you may just become my new best friend.

The crowd inside Charlie’s looked about the same as it had Saturday night. Hutch made his way through the smoke-filled room and found a table in a somewhat secluded spot in the back of the bar. The same weary, brassy looking waitress took his order.

Waiting for his food, he sat drinking his beer and watched, with detached interest, the goings on around him. A group of guys in a heated discussion on which basketball team was the best. All of them too drunk to barely stand. A young couple cuddling at a corner table, oblivious to everything around them. Just a normal night at Charlie’s.

“Hi, Ken.”

Hutch looked up to see Sara, the young hooker he’d met Saturday night. “Hi.”

“Feel like a little company?”

“I wouldn’t mind some company while I eat. You hungry?”

“I’m always hungry,” Sara replied with a soft laugh.

Hutch caught the attention of the waitress and Sara placed her order.

“You sound like my partner.” Hutch smiled, thinking of Starsky’s never ending appetite. “He’s always hungry, too.”

“Your partner?”

“Actually, he’s more than my partner; he’s also my best friend.” Hutch regretted bringing Starsky up. But he didn’t really want to lie to Sara either.

“What do you mean when you say, he’s your partner? Or am I being too nosy?”

“I’ll answer your question, if you’ll answer a few for me. Fair enough?”

“I guess. So, tell me about your partner.”

“Okay. Well, his name is Dave.” Hutch paused; he wasn’t sure how Sara would take the news that he was a cop. I shouldn’t even be telling her this.

The waitress arrived with her food, and Hutch ordered another beer. His hopes that the subject of his partner would be dropped were quickly dashed.

“So tell me about Dave?”

“You don’t give up, do you?”

“Nope.”

“We’re cops.” Might as well just be blunt.

“Cops?” Sara stared at Hutch, her eyes wide with fear. “Are you gonna arrest me?” Her voice was almost a whisper.

“No, Sara, no. I’m not going to arrest you.” She shouldn’t have to worry about being arrested. She should be home with her family. She should be having fun with friends her own age. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I couldn’t exactly arrest you without arresting myself, now, could I?” Hutch smiled encouragingly at the young girl. He reached out and patted her hand. “Come on, let’s eat before our food gets cold.”

Sara ate silently for a few minutes, then stopped and looked at Hutch. “I was hoping I’d see you again, but I didn’t think I would. Why did you come back here?”

“I wish I knew the answer to that.” I really do. Hutch took a long swallow of beer. “To be completely honest, the reason I came back here is that I was hoping to see you again. I know I shouldn’t be here. It’s so damn wrong, but I can’t seem to help myself.” Hutch slid his plate away and motioned for the waitress. He needed another beer.

“Is it because you’re a cop that you think it’s so wrong?” Sara studied the troubled face of the man across from her.

“That’s certainly reason enough. But there are other reasons, too. Let’s just say I’m pretty messed up right now and leave it at that.”

“Okay, if that’s what you want. But if you ever want to talk, I’m a real good listener.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Hutch slid the empty beer glass away. “I’m going to order another beer. Can I get you anything?”

“No, nothing for me. Why don’t you skip the beer and let’s go back to my place?”

“Sure, why not?” Hutch knew there was no point in debating the issue of whether to go or not. When he had turned his car in the direction of this bar, it had already been decided.

“Hey, Ken, you still here?” Sara grinned down at Hutch and brushed the blond hair, damp with sweat, off his forehead.

Hutch groaned, “Yeah, I think I’m still here. Are you trying to kill me?”

“No, I just wanted to make you feel so good that maybe, at least for a little while, you would forget about whatever it is that’s eating away at you.”

“You certainly succeeded in making me feel good. But I don’t think there’s much that can be done about what’s bothering me.” He reached up, took hold of her face, and held it gently. “It’s not your problem. Don’t start worrying about me.”

“I know it’s not my problem, but I like you. You’re a nice guy.”

Hutch sat up and leaned back against the headboard. “You don’t know anything about me. If I were really a nice guy, I wouldn’t be here right now. I wouldn’t be using you the way I am. I’m not proud of any of this. I don’t even know why I’m doing it.” The pain was not only evident in his voice, but seemed to be etched on his face, too.

“This is my choice. If I’m being used, I have only myself to blame. And you know what? I don’t feel one bit used by you. You’ve been so nice to me. Nicer than anyone has ever been.” Sara paused to catch her breath. But she wasn’t finished. Hutch opened his mouth to say something, but Sara held up her hand to stop him. “Don’t say anything. I’m not done.” The expression on her face was thunderous, and Hutch quickly shut his mouth.

“Yeah, you’re a nice man. If there’s one thing I know in my line of work, it’s men. And you’re one of the nice ones. And I bet it never even entered your mind that maybe I’m using you, too.” Sara’s eyes softened as they met Hutch’s confused blue ones. “Yep, it’s true; I use you. I use you to block out all the ugly things in my life. You’re a cop, you know what I’m talking about. You’re different than the rest. You smile at me, you call me by my name, and you’re so considerate and gentle. So why shouldn’t I care a little about you? Don’t worry, I’m not looking for anything more than you’ve already given me. I’m not gonna fall in love with you and make a fool of myself or anything like that. So is what we’re doing really so wrong if it gives us both some comfort? Makes us forget some of the pain we’re feeling.”

Hutch hesitated, torn by conflicting emotions. But he couldn’t deny that she had some very valid points. Or was he only grasping at straws trying to justify his actions?

Sara could sense the struggle going on in Hutch’s mind. “I think you spend way too much time feeling guilty. Are we really hurting anyone?”

His hands reached out for her arms and he pulled her closer. “You’re pretty smart for someone so young.” She’s right about me and guilt. Looking over at the clock on the night table, Hutch knew he should get going. He did have to be at work tomorrow.

“I’ll try to work on the guilt thing.” He kissed her lightly on the forehead. “Now, do I get to ask you a couple of questions?”

Sara looked puzzled for a second, then remembered the deal they had made at the bar. Sighing deeply, Sara moved next to Hutch and she, too, leaned back against the headboard. “Okay, two questions.”

“First, why aren’t you back home with your family going to college and breaking all the young men’s hearts?”

“That sounds nice, Ken. But my home really wasn’t all that great. I don’t ever want to go back there.” Biting her lip, Sara turned her face away.

“Is this really all you want out of life, Sara?

“No, I guess not.” Her voice was a little resigned.

Sara watched as Hutch pulled on his clothes. “Will I see you again?”

“Yeah, you will. And we’re going to talk some more about you going home.”

Hutch paused at the door and pulled out his wallet, placing some bills on the dresser.

“One more question. What’s your last name?”

“What’s your last name?” Sara grinned.

“Fair enough,” Hutch sighed. Mine’s Hutchinson.”

“Matthews.”

“Good night, Sara Matthews.” Hutch pulled the door closed behind him.

* * *

“Dave, what’s wrong?” Starsky had been quiet all evening. And Dana knew a quiet Starsky had to have something worrying him.

“The usual, my partner. I know, I know…I worry too much about him.”

“I realize you know him much better than I do, but he seemed very relaxed and happy the other night when we had dinner.”

“Oh, I agree he was in high spirits the other night. But it’s the rest of the time that has me worried. I mean, he’s always busy when I ask him if he wants to grab something to eat or take in a movie. And he never wants to tell me what it is he’s so busy with.”

“Dave, it seems to me that you’ve been spending most of your time with me lately. I’ll bet there have been times that Hutch mentioned doing something, and you had to tell him you were busy. You don’t expect him to just sit home waiting for you to have a free evening, do you?” Dana couldn’t hold back a grin, as she watched Starsky mull over what she had just said.

“Well, no, not exactly. But…I just can’t believe he’s busy all the time. And with who?” Starsky knew he was being a little unreasonable. But he missed Hutch.

“Maybe you should make a little more time for Hutch. I’m sure if the two of you spent some time together, he’d talk more about what he’s been doing.”

“Do you think maybe he got sick of me after spending so much time together after his accident?”

“No, I don’t think he got sick of you. Take my advice and make some time for just the two of you. Now, come on, I’ll treat to you some ice cream.”

“Now you’re talking.” Starsky grinned and pulled Dana to her feet. “I never turn down ice cream.”

* * *

Hutch glared at the alarm clock. It was three-twenty in the morning, and he had been tossing and turning for several hours now. He knew why he couldn’t sleep. He was feeling bad about avoiding Starsky. I know he’s not buying any of my lame excuses. Well, some of them weren’t so lame. I did have some things to take care of at the bank the other day. But I know he was waiting for an explanation of what kind of things. I should’ve told him the minute I decided to buy that house on the beach. Now when I tell him, he’s going to wonder why I kept it a secret from him.

Secrets…something we never had a need for. Our relationship has always been based on trust. How can anyone trust someone who starts keeping secrets? One secret–my changing feelings toward my partner–seems to have led to more…the beach house…Sara. I really didn’t intend for things to get so messed up. So now what do I do? Sit my partner down and tell him how I feel about him? Then tell him about the nights I’ve been spending with a prostitute? Hutch groaned out loud at the thought of such a thing. I need to get some sleep.

Tossing back the blankets, Hutch slid out of bed. I can’t do this. I can’t continue living like this.

As Hutch turned on the bathroom light, his tired blue eyes blinked, struggling against the intrusion. As his eyes focused, he rummaged through the medicine cabinet. Finding what he was looking for, he opened the pill bottle and shook out two of the white tablets into his hand. Sleep…I need some sleep. After swallowing the sleeping pills, Hutch wandered back into the bedroom. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he stared at the phone that sat on the night table. Call him. Go on, call him. Call him and say what? Hey, Starsk…I’m sitting here unable to sleep because of all the lies I’m living. Hutch’s eyes stayed fixed on the phone. Do it! Get it over with. With an unsteady hand, he reached for the phone. He listened as the phone rang only once, before it was picked up. Starsky’s sleepy voice answered, “Hello. Hello. Anyone there?”

Hutch sat filled with panic, as he listened to the voice of his best friend on the other end of the line. Answer him. I can’t…I can’t.

“Hey, anyone there?” Starsky’s voice was louder now. Hutch could hear a tinge of concern in Starsky’s voice. He’s wondering if it’s me. And he could picture Starsky, now sitting up in bed, with a somewhat disturbed look on his face.

Damn, what was I thinking? If I ever do decide to tell Starsky what I’m feeling, it can’t be over the phone. Hutch started to hang up, but found himself automatically responding to Starsky. “Sorry…”

“Hutch, what’s wrong?” Starsky’s voice now clearly sounded worried.

“I’m sorry, Starsky. Nothing’s wrong. Really. I just couldn’t sleep and before I knew what I was doing, I dialed your number.”

“Hutch, you want me to come over?”

“No, Starsk, that’s not necessary.”

“You sure? Hutch, it’s no trouble.”

“No, Starsk. I just took a couple of sleeping pills, so there’s really no need for you to make the trip over here.” Hutch hated hearing the concern in Starsky’s voice.

“Hutch, how come you can’t sleep? What’s wrong?” Starsky knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep if he didn’t find out what was troubling Hutch. “Hutch, what’s keeping you from sleeping? Talk to me.”

“Just a little of this and that, Starsky. No one thing in particular.” The temptation to let go and get all his feelings out in the open was almost too much for Hutch. He was relieved that the sleeping pills seemed to be taking effect. “Starsk, I’m getting sleepy now. Sorry for waking you up.”

“Hutch, how about we grab a couple of burgers and shoot some pool after our shift Monday?” There was no doubt in Starsky’s mind that they needed some time together to just relax and have some fun. Like old times.

“Sounds good, Starsk. I’ve missed you,” Hutch’s drowsy voice answered, as he hung up the phone.

* * *

Monday, Hutch was humming as he drove to Huggy’s. He was looking forward to the evening with Starsky. It had been a while since they’d spent any time away from work–just the two of them. He knew it was mostly his fault, he had been avoiding Starsky. But he missed him.

Last night he had gone to see Sara, and for the first time, he had attempted to put his feelings for Starsky into words. Talking to her about Starsky seemed to have helped. She was a good listener. He hadn’t been sure what her reaction to his confession would be, but she hadn’t seemed surprised at all and had taken it in stride. She’s quite a girl.

They had also talked at length about Sara’s future. Hutch was determined to get Sara out of her life of prostitution. He had done some checking and, between what he had found out and what Sara had told him, going back to her family was out of the question. They were going to talk later in the week about what her options were.

Hutch parked his car behind Huggy’s. He was starting to feel a little nervous. No reason to be nervous. Just relax and enjoy the evening with your best friend. And tell him about the house. No reason to keep that from him.

Minutes after Starsky joined Hutch, Hutch felt himself relax. They joked back and forth with Huggy and Diane, as they ordered their burgers and beer. Once finished with their meal, they played a couple of games of pool. Each winning one game.

Taking their seats back at their table, Hutch patted Starsky’s back and grinned, “You know I let you win that one.”

“Sure, you did.” Starsky laughed as Diane set another beer in front of each of them.

“So, Dana get sick of you already?”

“Not on your life, buddy.” Starsky leaned back in his chair. Actually, her younger sister called. She’s getting married soon and wanted Dana’s help planning her wedding. So Dana’s gone back home for a week.”

“That’s too bad, Starsk.”

“It sure is, now I’m stuck with you.” Starsky reached over and ruffled his partner’s pale blond hair.

“I think it’s more like I’m stuck with you, partner,” Hutch teased playfully.

Starsky was relieved to see what seemed to be the same old Hutch sitting across from him. Maybe Dana had been right; there was nothing to worry about.

“So, Hutch, what’ve ya been up to lately? You been seeing Erica?”

“No. Not really seeing anyone.” Hutch paused briefly, not at all happy with the fact that he had just lied to his friend. “I did make a major commitment, though.”

Starsky gave Hutch a puzzled look. “A commitment? What kind of commitment?”

Hutch let out a nervous laugh. “You’re not going to believe it. I bought a house.”

“You what?” Starsky’s look had turned to one of stunned disbelief.

“Just what I said, I bought a house. I sign the papers and pick up the keys on Friday.”

“You bought a house? Why?” Starsky was still staring dumbfounded at his partner across the table.

“Starsk…not just any house. I bought the beach house. The one we lived in while I was recovering from my accident.” Hutch was smiling broadly now, excited about his announcement.

“The beach house?” Now it was Starsky’s turn to smile. “Hey, that’s great. I always thought it suited you.”

“You don’t think I’m crazy?”

“I know you’re crazy,” Starsky laughed. “But crazy doesn’t have anything to do with this. I think it’s great you bought the house.”

“You mean it?”

“You bet I do. So when are you moving in?”

“Moving in?” Hutch started to laugh. “You know, I hadn’t even given a thought to moving in. I was just so anxious to buy the place because…well, because.” Hutch struggled to find words to express how he felt about the beach house.

“Hey, I know what you’re trying to say.” Starsky’s voice held a hint of emotion, as though something Hutch had said touched him. “Despite everything that happened, that house holds a lot of memories. Most of them good.”

“Yeah…sometimes I find myself missing the days when it was just you and me. I owe you more than I can ever repay.” Hutch pushed his empty beer glass nervously around the table, worrying that maybe he had said too much. Revealed more than he ever wanted to reveal.

“I know what you mean.” Starsky reached out, placing his hand on Hutch’s and halting the movement of the beer glass. “I miss it, too. But you don’t owe me anything. All I ever need is to know you’re okay and that we’ll always be friends like we are now.”

Starsky was silent for a few seconds. Hutch waited, knowing something was coming. And he was right. “Hutch, I owed you, buddy. If I hadn’t screwed up that day and had picked you up when I was supposed to…”

“None of that, Starsk. I never blamed you. Let’s not ruin this nice evening with you wallowing in some kind of misplaced guilt. Guilt is my thing, not yours. And I hope you didn’t devote yourself to taking care of me because you felt guilty.”

“No, I would’ve taken care of you anyway; you’re my best friend.” Starsky smiled. “you’re right, let’s not ruin our evening.”

“I think maybe we better call in a night, though. We do have to work in the morning. How about catching a movie this week since Dana has left you high and dry?”

“Me, high and dry…when I’ve got you? A movie sounds good. Heck, I’ll even let you choose one.” Starsky pushed back his chair. “But you’re right, we should call it a night.”

When they parted company in the parking lot, both men were smiling and content.

The rest of the week passed in a happy blur for Hutch. Several evenings had been spent at Huggy’s, and one night they had gone to a movie. But deep down, Hutch knew things would change when Dana returned. She would be returning from her sister’s tomorrow. Maybe I’ll just surprise Starsky tonight. He didn’t mention having any plans. This could be our last chance to spend time together for a while.

* * *

Once the decision was made, Hutch soon pulled up behind Starsky’s Torino. We can order a pizza and play some monopoly or watch some old movie on TV. I’m going to be happy for him and let him get on with his life. But I still have to have him in my life, too. I can’t give him up completely. He means too much to me. I just can’t let things change between us because my feelings are going off in a new direction.

After knocking several times on Starsky’s door and receiving no answer, Hutch slipped his key into the lock. Probably in the shower. Once inside, the apartment was quiet. No sounds of water running coming from the bathroom. Hutch stood listening to the silence, wondering if he had missed Starsky outside somewhere.

The silence of the apartment was broken by the sound of a voice speaking in low tones coming from the bedroom. It was Starsky, and Hutch heard the words, “I love you.” Must be talking to Dana on the phone.

Hutch heard a soft female voice and felt his heart almost stop beating. “Does that mean you missed me? I’m going to show you just how much I missed you.” Dana’s in there with Starsky. Shit, she must have come back early. I’ve got to get out of here.

The bedroom door was just slightly open, not enough to see into the room, but enough so the voices and sounds coming from the bedroom were clear. Oh, God, they’re going to fuck. As much as Hutch wanted to leave and as much as he knew he should, he seemed bolted to the floor. He stood as if paralyzed, listening to the creaking of the bed as the weight of two bodies fell onto it. The rustling of clothing being removed and then the sound of shoes hitting the floor brought an image of Starsky’s naked and aroused body to Hutch’s confused and befuddled mind. Starsky’s hot, aroused body pressed tightly against Dana’s welcoming body. Hutch clenched his eyes tightly closed, trying to block the image from his mind.

The sounds coming from the bedroom seemed to intensify. “That’s good…so good,” Starsky moaned. Then Starsky gasped loudly and Hutch’s eyes flew open. He knew exactly what was going on. The picture–vivid in his mind now–was of Dana’s head bent over Starsky, sucking his cock deep into her throat. Hutch’s hand rubbed against his own rock hard cock. Starsky…that should be me in there with you.

“Oh…like that…just like that.” Starsky’s voice sounded husky and somewhat out of control. I want to do that to you, babe. I want to be the one giving you so much pleasure. I know I could do it. Hutch almost groaned out loud at the thought of taking Starsky into his mouth. Between the sounds of Dana greedily sucking Starsky’s cock and Starsky’s vocal enjoyment, Hutch thought he would go out of his mind.

The bed shifted and now it was Dana moaning, as the creaking of the mattress became louder and faster. “Don’t stop…Dave…” He’s fucking her. She’s going to come any time now. I have to get out of here. I can’t be standing here outside Starsky’s bedroom with a hard-on when they come out. Do I really want to be here when Starsky sends her over the edge? But it was too late. Dana was evidently a screamer and from the sounds of her screams, Starsky had done his job well. Hutch felt himself break out in a sweat. He knew he should get out while he still had time, but he stayed. He was waiting to hear Starsky cry out his release. Hutch knew it wouldn’t be long now. Then he heard a harsh groan…

“That’s good…so good…oh…” From the sounds of sweaty flesh hitting sweaty flesh, Hutch knew Starsky was thrusting hard and fast. What did she just do to you, Starsky? Is she playing with your balls? Did she thrust one of her long fingers inside you? A feeling of such intense jealousy hit Hutch hard. I love you, Starsky. A loud strangled cry of satisfaction from Starsky jolted Hutch back to reality. He could hear Starsky’s heavy panting, and pictured him exhausted and limp in Dana’s arms. I’ve got to get out of here. As silently as he could manage, Hutch made his way to the door. He felt weak, as if he’d been the one to come rather than Starsky. But the aching bulge in his pants reminded him that he hadn’t had the pleasure.

Closing the door quietly behind him, Hutch stood gasping for air, like a drowning man. I never realized just exactly how much my feelings toward Starsky had changed. I’ve never been jealous of any woman Starsky was dating. But then I’ve never admitted to myself that I want Starsky in a physical sense. Maybe I didn’t want to admit it. But now I have to face it. I want him.

 

Part Two

Twenty-five minutes later, Hutch unlocked the door to his apartment. He honestly didn’t remember much about the trip home. His mind was still replaying the sounds and images of Starsky behind the bedroom door with Dana. With shaking hands, he removed his jacket and tossed it onto the couch. His mind was still struggling to absorb this new revelation concerning his feelings for Starsky. Was I really so naïve to not have considered where my feelings were leading? It’s not like I’m young and innocent. Shit, I can’t even remember what young and innocent was like.

With a cold beer in hand, Hutch wandered through his apartment. I can’t believe I stood outside Starsky’s bedroom and listened to him making love to Dana. I’m turning into some loathsome person I don’t even know. Don’t even want to know. First sleeping with a hooker, now listening outside bedroom doors…eavesdropping on my best friend. Even worse–what I was thinking? Just thinking about his repulsive behavior brought on a wave of nausea.

Part of him wanted to rush off to find Sara. I can’t do that. Because there’d be no doubt in my mind this time that I’d be using her. This time, I’d have to face the fact that she was a substitute for Starsky.

Standing next to the bed, he swallowed the last of his beer and set the empty bottle down on the nightstand. Now what? Acting natural around Starsky is going to be a lot harder now. I’m not even sure I can look him in the eye.

Sinking down on the bed, Hutch sat, shoulders slumped. What the hell happened to my life? Ever since the accident, everything’s been such a mess. Sometimes I wish…wish what? That I had died? Never regained the use of my legs? Just what is it you wish, Hutchinson? Despite the fact that it was so early, Hutch stood and removed his clothes. Leaving them in a pile on the floor. I wish I hadn’t gotten up one morning and discovered that my feelings for Starsky had…changed my life…or is that ruined my life?

Hutch’s hand slid over the still evident sign of his arousal. Starsky is out of the question, Sara’s off limits tonight, so that just leave me. Been a while since I’ve had to jerk myself off. Pulling the blankets back, Hutch slid under the covers. Closing his eyes, his imagination took over and it was Starsky’s hand on his firm flesh. He groaned aloud as he caressed his rapidly growing erection. While his right hand worked his throbbing shaft, his left hand moved up to his chest and fondled first one nipple, then the other. Needing more, he lightly pinched his nipples, groaning at the increased sensation. His hand trembled as he gripped his cock harder, remembering the sounds of Starsky in his bedroom. This isn’t going to take long. Oh, Starsk…I need you.

Hutch arched his hips, as he pumped harder and faster, almost frantic for release. The driving need he felt was almost unbearable. His breathing had become agonized gasps, and he could feel the sweat that beaded his flushed face. As the right hand continued its rhythmic stroking, his left hand joined in gently squeezing the base. Faster and faster, harder and harder, and then he felt himself stiffen in release as his body shuddered and convulsed, and warm fluid erupted onto his hand and heaving stomach.

Hutch felt hot tears slide down his face as the truth hit him. Jerking off had taken care of the physical need, but inside he felt nothing but cold emptiness. I don’t know what to do. Where do I go from here? He escaped his tortured thoughts as he drifted off to sleep.

* * *

Waking to a sticky mess several hours later, Hutch groaned as he rolled out of bed to clean himself up. Returning to bed, he couldn’t seem to get warm. It was like a chill had settled deep inside him. And sleep wouldn’t come. His mind raced with thoughts of the shambles his life had ended up in. I don’t know how long I can go on like this. Just when I thought I could handle things, I realize just how lost I really am. How can I go on working day in and day out with him without losing my mind?

The night seemed to drag on forever as Hutch drifted in and out of sleep. Despite the morning sun filtering through the window, he couldn’t bring himself to crawl out of bed. He just didn’t have the energy or motivation. By late morning, a blinding headache forced him out bed. After swallowing several aspirin and putting on a pot of coffee, he collapsed into a chair. Forcing himself to move, he took a shower and somehow managed to shave without cutting his throat. The face that stared back at him from the mirror had a haunted look. One look at me, and Starsky is going to start demanding answers.

Even after three cups of black coffee, Hutch could barely drag himself back to the bedroom. Hell, I don’t have any plans today. Might as well go back to bed. He ended up sleeping most of the day. With Dana back in town, it was unlikely that Starsky would come around.

By Sunday afternoon, Hutch was feeling physically ill. Bouts of nausea kept him running to the bathroom. This is just great. As if I don’t have enough problems.

Monday morning, Hutch knew there was no way he was going to be able to function well enough to work. An unhappy and somewhat irritated Dobey took his early morning sick call. He could still hear Dobey grumbling as he hung up the phone. Since he’d been planning on driving himself to work, there was no need to call Starsky. No need to call Starsky? Maybe it’s a case of no guts, Hutchinson. Being sick gives you a good excuse to put off facing him.

* * *

Walking across the parking lot, Starsky looked around for his partner’s car. Not seeing it, he chuckled softly, finding it humorous to think that his usually punctual partner was running late.

It wasn’t until he was pouring his second cup of coffee that he became concerned that Hutch hadn’t shown up yet. He poked his head inside Dobey’s office door. “Hey, Cap’n, you heard anything from Hutch this morning?”

“Seems your partner is sick today.”

“Sick?”

Dobey could hear the worry in Starsky’s voice. “I don’t think he’s dying, Starsky. Probably just some kind of bug that’s going around. Now, how about you getting some work done?”

“Yeah, sure, Cap’n.” Starsky shut Dobey’s door and returned to his desk. He always hated it when the desk across from him was empty. He thought about calling Hutch, but common sense prevailed. No point in disturbing him now. I’ll just stop by after work.

By lunchtime, Starsky was anxious for some company so he headed to Huggy’s. The place was jumping with the usual lunch rush. “Hey, Starsk, where’s that blond partner of yours?”

“He’s off sick today.”

“Nothing serious, I hope.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Well, since Hutch isn’t around, there’s something I been wanting to talk to you about.”

“What’s up?”

“That’s what I’d like to know. What’s going on with that partner of yours?”

“What do ya mean?”

“Well, there’s a rumor going around that our Hutchie boy’s involved with a certain young hooker. Turns out it’s not just a rumor. I checked it out, and the fact is that our boy has resorted to paying for sex. I can’t for the life of me figure that out. The dude’s like a magnet when it comes to women. And now he’s paying for it? Think maybe he’s into something kinky that only a hooker will do for him?”

Starsky stared dumfounded as Huggy’s words began to sink in. “Huggy…are you positive about this? I mean…I can’t believe it. Not Hutch. I don’t believe it. This is a joke, right?”

“That was my first reaction, too, Starsk. But I checked it out. I had to see it with my own eyes to believe it. A young hooker named Sara; he meets her at a bar called Charlie’s. Then they go to her place a few blocks from there.”

“No, not Hutch. You’re wrong.” Starsky refused to accept what Huggy was saying.

“Starsky, are you listening to me? I said I seen ’em with my own eyes.”

“Why? I don’t understand. This makes no sense.” Suddenly Starsky wasn’t hungry, anymore. Food was the furthest thing from his mind. “I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later.”

Huggy watched as Starsky made his way to the door. He couldn’t help but wonder if he had done the right thing by telling Starsky. None of it made any sense.

Back at the station, Starsky found it impossible to concentrate on anything but what Huggy had told him. This is crazy. Hutch is no saint, but this…it just goes against everything I know about Hutch.

“Starsky, if you’re just going to sit there staring into space, you might as well go home.” Starsky hadn’t even noticed his captain standing beside his desk. “Better yet, go check on your partner. But I want you back here on time first thing in the morning with or without your partner. Understand?”

“Yes, sir. Thanks, Cap’n.” Starsky bolted for the door.

Once on his way to Hutch’s place, Starsky pondered how he would find the words to bring up the subject of the hooker. If Hutch is sick, the timing isn’t good, but damn it, I have to find out what’s going on with him.

* * *

How could I have slept most of the day and still be so damn tired? Hutch forced himself out of bed, groaning as he glanced at the clock. Three forty-five already?

Emerging from the bathroom, still damp from the shower, Hutch froze as he heard the sound of a key turning in his door. Starsky. I’m not ready for this. If I could just hide somewhere–anywhere. Hutch actually found himself looking around for a place to hide. Sure, just crawl under the bed like some little kid. Hutch fought the sudden feeling of nausea. I can’t face him yet.

“Hey, partner, how you feeling?”

Hutch turned around to see Starsky watching him.

“I’m not sure how I feel. It comes and goes.” Hutch’s voice shook slightly with nervousness. It’s just not fair. I shouldn’t have to feel so uncomfortable around Starsk. It’s like he can read my mind.

“Yeah, well, you look like hell.” Starsky took in the haggard appearance of his partner. “You think it’s the flu or what?”

Hutch ran his hand through his still damp hair and shook his head. “I don’t know.”

“You eat anything today?”

“I don’t have much of an appetite. I’ll eat something later.” Hutch was wishing Starsky would just leave. He couldn’t deal with being in Starsky’s company right now. Not yet. “Starsk, you didn’t need to come by. I’ll be okay.”

“Hey, what are partners for? You’d do the same for me.”

Hutch knew he was right, but he still didn’t want Starsky fussing over him, and he just didn’t feel comfortable around his partner right now.

“Come on, sit down before you fall down. What about seeing a doctor?” Starsky hovered over the blond as he took a seat on the couch.

“Starsk, if I don’t feel better in a day or two I’ll call a doctor. It’s probably just some bug going around.” Just go home, Starsk. Go see Dana, go anywhere, just go.

“Starsky, there really isn’t anything you can do for me. I’m just gonna go back to bed and try and get some more sleep. Why don’t you just go on home?” Hutch’s stomach was telling him that he wasn’t going to be able to hold on much longer. If I have to make a rush trip to the bathroom, I’ll never get him to leave. “Starsky, really, just go home. I’ll call you in the morning and let you know if I’m going in to work.”

Starsky knew the timing was wrong, it was obvious Hutch wasn’t feeling well, but he just had to know if what Huggy had told him was true. He knew Huggy wouldn’t lie to him, but maybe there was an explanation for it. And maybe there is no explanation. At least not one I want to hear. I’ve got to know. I may hate myself for this, but I’ve got to ask him about it.

Starsky nervously took a deep breath and sat down next to Hutch. “Okay, I’ll go, but before I do…I need to ask you something.”

Hutch waited, not realizing that things were about to take a very unpleasant turn. “All right, ask and let me get back to bed.” Whatever it is he wants to know, I’ll tell him and he’ll leave and I can go back to suffering in peace.

“Well, I was…” Starsky cleared his throat as his apprehension grew. “I was wondering…are you working on some case without me?” He couldn’t sit still as he waited for Hutch’s reply. Getting to his feet, he paced across the room and waited–his back to Hutch.

“I don’t understand, Starsky. What makes you think I’m working on something without you? We’re partners, we don’t work alone.”

Starsky stood quietly, his back still to Hutch. Now, how to do I ask him if he’s spending time with some prostitute?

“Starsk?” Hutch was on his feet now. “What’s going on?” Hutch had the uneasy feeling something was wrong.

Nothing to do now but ask. Just blurt it out. “Hutch, do you have something going on with a prostitute?” It didn’t come out so well, but it was out in the open now.

Hutch felt as if he had just shattered into a million tiny pieces. A cold, dark silence seemed to surround them. He knew Starsky was waiting for some kind of reply. The nausea he’d been fighting since Starsky arrived could no longer be controlled. Hutch bolted for the bathroom.

Hearing the choking retching sounds, Starsky hastened toward the bathroom. I should’ve waited. He needs to see a doctor.

Hutch hadn’t bothered to turn on the light, so the bathroom was just dimly lit with light from the other room. Starsky could see Hutch on the floor, leaning weakly against the wall. Flipping on the light, Starsky grabbed a towel and soaked it with cold water.

“You okay, buddy?” Starsky wiped the sweat from Hutch’s face and then ran the cold towel around his neck.

“No, I’m not okay,” Hutch replied through clenched teeth. “My best friend is spying on me. Following me around. Prying into my personal life. Just do me a huge favor and leave me alone. Go home, Starsky.”

“Hutch, I wasn’t spying on you. You’ve got to believe me.” He took hold of Hutch’s arm, attempting to help the blond to his feet.

Hutch jerked his arm away. “Leave me alone. Go on, get out of here. I don’t need you.” Hutch’s voice shook with anger.

“Hutch, you’re sick. Let me take care of you.” Starsky regretted even mentioning the subject of the prostitute. He didn’t even know what to say in his own defense; he couldn’t let on that it was Huggy who had informed him of what was going on.

“I can take care of myself.” The expression on Hutch’s face was dark and angry. Along with the fury he was feeling toward Starsky, there was also a feeling of revulsion and regret at the things he’d been hiding from his friend.

“Hutch, please, I’m sorry.” Starsky was almost begging now.

But Hutch was in no mood to be reasoned with. He was angry with both himself and Starsky and didn’t feel up to discussing anything, let alone the time he’d spent with Sara.

Hutch pulled himself to his feet and stood facing Starsky. “In answer to your question, yes, I am seeing a prostitute.” His voice held a hint of warning, as he spoke in a tense but clipped voice. “My personal life is my business. Now get out of here. I might be sick, but I swear if you don’t leave now, I’ll throw you out.” Hutch turned and walked out of the bathroom.

Starsky stood almost dumfounded, as he watched Hutch walk away from him. He had never planned on things turning out this way. This can’t be happening. I’ve got to try to smooth things over; I can’t leave him like this.

He found Hutch sprawled out on the couch, one arm flung across his face. “Hutch, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” He wanted to reach out and touch the blond, but somehow he knew his touch wouldn’t be welcomed right now. “Maybe we can have a long talk when you’re feeling better.”

“There’s nothing to talk about. Do I have to get up and throw you out of here? Get it through your head, my personal life is just that–personal. Now get the hell out and let me get some sleep.” Hutch spoke without removing the arm that lay across his face, his voice cold and impersonal. He knew he didn’t want to witness the hurt that must be showing on Starsky’s face about now.

Starsky knew Hutch was serious about taking any necessary steps he needed to get Starsky out of there. Too much has gone wrong here already, I’m not going to get into any kind of physical altercation with him. I’ll leave for now, but this isn’t over.

“Okay, I’m going, but this is far from over.”

Hutch listened as Starsky’s footsteps moved across the room, and then he heard the door close. He rolled over, burying his face in the couch. He had never felt so empty inside. He’s gone, and that might just be the end of our friendship. I’m all alone now.

* * *

The next morning, Starsky waited as long as he could for Hutch to call before heading to work. With Dobey’s voice still ringing in his ears about being back first thing in the morning–and on time–he knew better than to be late. No point in having everyone mad at me. He knew deep down that Hutch wasn’t going to call, anyway. I’ve never seen Hutch angrier than he was last night. Well, at least never that angry with me. It scares me to think there’s a chance we won’t be able to work this out.

Captain Dobey was standing at the water cooler when Starsky walked in. “I just talked to your partner; he sounds awful. Did you check on him yesterday? How does he seem to you?”

“Yeah, I stopped to see him after I left work yesterday. He looks like hell, if you want the truth. I didn’t stay long; he just wanted to sleep.” I told the truth, I just left out a few things.

“What did he say to you?” Dobey asked. “Do you think it’s just the flu?”

“I’m not sure. He sounded awful, but he said he’d try and come in tomorrow.”

Dobey paused before entering his office. “If he’s no better tomorrow, you make sure he sees a doctor. Come to think of it, you don’t look so good yourself. Hope you’re not coming down with the same thing.”

Starsky poured himself a cup of coffee. Me, I’m just tired. Kind of hard to sleep after what went down between Hutch and me last night. I wish I could blame it on him being sick, but I know there’s more to it. And after all that, I still don’t know what’s going on with him and this hooker. Hutch and a hooker makes no sense at all. But none of that matters. What’s really important is that Hutch starts feeling better. What if it’s more than a bug?

More than anything, Starsky wanted to call and check on Hutch. But common sense told him to just leave him alone. At least for today. But tomorrow, partner, if you’re not sitting at that desk across from me, I’ll have to say to hell with common sense.

Thankfully, their caseload was light. When Hutch had returned to work after the accident, his doctors had insisted on him taking things easy for a while. Last week, the doctors had given the okay for Hutch to resume his usual duties. Dobey had just been getting ready to hand them some new cases when Hutch came down with this so-called bug. I’m still not convinced it’s only the flu that’s making Hutch so sick.

Starsky had made up his mind that if Hutch was not at work the next morning, he was calling his doctor. If I have to take him in handcuffs, he’s going to see a doctor.

* * *

Starsky was both surprised and relieved to find Hutch in the familiar spot at his desk the next day. “Hey, good morning.” Starsky was positively beaming he was so happy to see Hutch.

Hutch looked up and nodded, the smile on his face a bit forced. “Morning. Dobey just handed us a few more cases.” Hutch tossed a couple of folders onto Starsky’s desk, then resumed looking over the file in front of him.

After pouring himself a cup of coffee, Starsky took his seat across from Hutch. With a few discreet glances in Hutch’s direction, Starsky determined that Hutch didn’t look all that much better. Dark circles under his eyes…he looks exhausted. Maybe he’s feeling better, but still needs a couple of days to get rested up.

They got lucky and the cases Dobey had turned over to them were fairly open and shut. Just after lunch, they’d made an arrest. One case solved. Hutch had been pretty quiet all morning as they had looked through the files. But out on the street, asking questions and looking for leads, he seemed to be more like himself.

When they had stopped for lunch, Starsky had to force himself not to beg Hutch to eat a little more. But there was no way he was going to get into any arguments with Hutch today. Neither of them had mentioned the events of the other night, and for now that was just fine with Starsky.

When they were ready to leave the squad room that night, Starsky could tell the day had taken its toll on Hutch. “Want me to pick you up in the morning?” Starsky asked, hoping Hutch would take him up on his offer.

Hutch paused next to his car, “Sure, pick me up.” Reaching for the door handle, he paused again. “Starsk, I’m sorry about the other night.”

Before Starsky had a chance to reply, Hutch was in his car and closing the door. I wish I knew what was going on in that mind of yours, partner. Something’s wrong. Something besides the fact that you’re not feeling well.

* * *

As the week came to a close, Starsky didn’t see much of a change in Hutch, no better or worse. Hutch came to work, but still looked and acted tired. And Starsky was pretty sure Hutch had been sick to his stomach several times. I just wish I knew what to do or say to put things right between us. As long as he’s so distant, I’m afraid to try to talk to him. I don’t want to make him angry again like he was the other night. If I push too much, I might just push him further away.

“So, do you have any plans this weekend?” Starsky asked Hutch as, they cleared off their desks.

“No, nothing special. I’m still not feeling as good as I should. I think I’ll mainly just take it easy and try to get a little extra sleep.”

That’s progress, he’s actually admitting that he’s still not feeling well. “Well, if you feel like doing something, give me a call.”

“Yeah, I’ll do that,” Hutch said. Not much chance of me calling you. I know sooner or later you’re gonna want to talk about Sara. Actually, I guess you know what’s going on, but you’re gonna want to know why. “I think you’d just better plan on spending your weekend with Dana.” Hutch even managed a feeble grin. “I’m sure you’ll have a lot more fun with her, anyway.” As a matter of fact, partner, I’m sure of it. You seemed to be enjoying yourself quite a bit last weekend with Dana. And it still hurts just to think about it.

“Well, have it your way, buddy. But don’t forget you can call me any time.” Starsky had the feeling Hutch was withdrawing from him. Why, what did I do?

“I know you’re always there for me, Starsk. I just don’t feel well, and there’s nothing you can do. I just need to rest.”

“You could see a doctor,” Starsky said, regretting the words the minute they left his mouth.

“If I think I need a doctor, I’ll see one. You’re not my mother. I can take care of myself.” Hutch stood up, grabbed his jacket off his chair and headed for the door.

Starsky was right behind him. “No, I’m not your mother. I’m even closer; I’m your partner. I worry about you. And from the looks of you, you’re wrong–you can’t take care of yourself. But you go ahead be the tough guy that doesn’t need anything from anyone.” Starsky shoved past his partner and was out the door before Hutch could even react to his partner’s comments.

All the way home, Hutch kept hearing Starsky’s angry words echoing in his head. I’m becoming more and more screwed up. I love him. Hell, I’m in love with him. So what am I doing? I keep pushing him away. Do I really want to push him completely out of my life because he doesn’t love me the same way I love him? I just don’t want to deal with any of this. I wish I could just go to bed and never have to get up.

Starsky’s trip home was filled with his own regrets. He’s sick and I gotta go and fight with him again. What’s wrong with me? I can’t shake the feeling, though, that something else is going on with him. And I can’t forget him admitting he’s seeing a hooker.

Starsky slammed on his brakes and quickly made a U-turn, ignoring the blaring horns of the other drivers. I don’t give a damn about whatever it is you’re doing with a hooker. But I do give a damn about you shutting me out. And I do give a damn about you being sick. Enough is enough, Hutchinson. Two things are about to happen. You’re going to the doctor, and then we’re gonna have a long talk. I didn’t spend months getting you back on your feet and walking again to stand by now and let you screw things up.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, he skidded to a halt in front of Hutch’s building. Taking a deep breath he entered the building, climbing the steps two at time to Hutch’s apartment. Making no effort at all to be polite, Starsky didn’t bother to knock. Using his key, he let himself in, slamming the door behind him. “Hutch…Hutch?”

Hearing the now almost familiar sounds of Hutch in the bathroom throwing up, Starsky shoved open the bathroom door. Startled, an ashen-faced Hutch turned to find his partner standing in the doorway with a don’t-say-a-word look on his face. Wetting a cloth, he wiped the perspiration off Hutch’s face. “What the hell are you doing to yourself, buddy? I’m taking you to the doctor. You can’t go on like this. I’m gonna go make a phone call. I’ll be right back.” The tone of his voice made it clear Hutch would have no say in the matter.

Hutch leaned back against the bathroom wall and sadly watched his partner leave the room. He didn’t have the energy to fight. Not that it would matter if he did; Starsky was clearly not going to take no for an answer.

“It’s all set, I called Dr. Martin. We’re meeting him at the hospital.” Starsky was back and wiping the cool cloth over Hutch’s face again.

“The hospital?” Hutch muttered under his breath.

“Yeah, the hospital. It took me a while to track the doctor down, but I found him.” Starsky tossed the cloth into the sink. “You think you’re going to be okay long enough for us to get to the hospital?” Starsky’s touch was gentle, but his tone was firm and controlled.

“Damn it, Starsky, no hospital. I’ll make an appointment and go see Dr. Martin in his office.” Hutch was not happy with this new turn of events. “Starsky, I’m a grown man; I can go to the doctor by myself. I don’t need you to hold my hand.”

“Really?” Starsky raised his eyebrows. “Sorry, but it’s all set, Dr. Martin is expecting you. If it’s just a bug I don’t think they’ll keep you in the hospital. We’re only going to the hospital because that’s where the doctor happens to be right now.” Starsky pulled Hutch to his feet.

Starsky steered a speechless and defeated Hutch out of the bathroom. The hold Starsky had on Hutch’s arm was one of firm determination. Why do I have the feeling that if I make a move to pull away from him, we could end up having a knock-down, drag-out fight?

The ride to the hospital was quiet. Each one sneaking occasional glances at the other from time to time.

Watching his partner, Starsky wasn’t sure he liked this sudden quiet manner of his. He’s quiet now, but how long before he blows up and tells me to go to hell? I really expected more of a fight.

Hutch stared out of the passenger side window. He could feel Starsky’s eyes watching him. He’s won this one. I’m too tired to fight about anything right now. Things just seem to be going from bad to worse.

After arriving at the hospital, both men continued their silence as they waited. It was only a short time before Hutch was called in to see the doctor. As he left the waiting room, Hutch turned at the door and gave Starsky an angry look.

Starsky flipped idly through a magazine, occasionally glancing around at the other occupants of the waiting room. Bored, Starsky got up and headed for the vending machines located just down the hall outside the waiting room. As he stood eating his candy bar, Starsky noticed Hutch and Dr. Martin down the hallway. Hutch looks pretty upset. Dr. Martin seemed to be trying to convince Hutch of something. Starsky watched as Hutch shook his head and appeared to surrender. Then both men moved down the hall, Hutch with slumped shoulders and head down.

Something’s wrong. Where are they going? Starsky stood in the hallway, waiting for Hutch and the doctor to return. When they didn’t immediately return, he wandered back into the waiting room. Tossing the half-eaten candy bar into the trash, he finished off the last of his soda and sat down. The clock on the wall showed that an hour had passed since they had arrived at the hospital. What was taking so long? Where had Hutch and the doctor gone? Starsky was beginning to feel very nervous. Something wasn’t right. If Hutch doesn’t walk through that door in the next few minutes, I’m going to…going to what? Kick down doors ’til I find him?

* * *

Forty-five minutes later, a worried Starsky nervously paced around the now almost empty waiting room. Something must be seriously wrong. I’ve got to find out what’s going on.

Just as Starsky started to go in search of his partner, Hutch appeared in the doorway of the waiting room. The initial relief Starsky felt quickly faded as he took in the stricken look on Hutch’s face. Hutch had looked bad when they arrived but now he looked… “Hutch?”

Starsky found himself looking into a pair of blue eyes that seemed to be drowning in some kind of pain. Somehow, Starsky didn’t think it was physical pain Hutch was feeling right then. Had the doctor given him some bad news?

“Hutch, what’s wrong?” Starsky pushed his growing anxiety away. Hutch was all that was important now.

“Everything’s fine, Starsky. Just take me home.”

Starsky watched as his friend turned and left the room. “Hey, wait up. What did the doctor say?” He reached out and caught Hutch by the arm. “Talk to me.”

“I don’t want to talk right now. I want to go home and go to sleep.” Pulling free of the hold Starsky had on his arm, Hutch started off again, then stopped suddenly and looked back at the sad figure of his partner. “I’m sorry. I don’t feel good and I’m tired, but I shouldn’t take it out on you. Look, Starsky, I’m not dying or anything. It’s nothing to worry about. Forgive me?” Hutch’s eyes pleaded for forgiveness.

“Yeah, I forgive ya, for being such a jerk.” Starsky grinned with relief. “Let me take you home and fix you something to eat. Then I’ll tuck you into bed and you get some sleep. We can talk after you’re rested.”

“That sounds nice, Starsk.” Having Starsky take care of me does sound nice. And we do need to talk. Especially now. Damn doctors.

“Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go.”

Hutch was silent most of the way home, his head back against the seat, eyes closed. Starsky couldn’t help but notice the strain that seemed etched into the pale face. He’s exhausted. He really does look ill. Maybe he was just trying to make me feel better by telling me it’s nothing serious.

Hutch’s quiet voice broke the silence. “Starsk, Dr. Martin thinks I need to see a shrink. We set up some appointments. Guess I’m crazy, huh?”

“What?” Starsky took his eyes off the road briefly to look at Hutch. He didn’t like what he saw. Not only did Hutch look ill, but he also looked defeated. Like life had become more than he could handle. Why?

“Tell me about it, Hutch. Why does Dr. Martin think you need to see this shrink?” Starsky’s voice was calm and soothing.

“He doesn’t think I’m sick. He thinks it’s all psychosomatic. It’s happening again, Starsk. Maybe I really am crazy. I mean, think about it. For years, I kept all my feelings of guilt about that car accident when I was a teenager all bottled up inside of me.

“You’re not psycho anything. Hell, you’re not even crazy. Damn it, you’re the sanest person I know.”

“Maybe you need to see a shrink then, Starsky.” Hutch shook his head, “I’m really screwed up. And it’s psychosomatic–meaning all in my head.”

“I know what it means. But I just don’t think it applies to you.” Starsky pulled the car to a stop in front of Hutch’s place. “Come on, I’ll fix us something to eat. We can talk later about how crazy both of us are.” Starsky’s attempt to lighten the mood didn’t seem to help much.

Hutch sighed deeply as he opened the car door and muttered, “I’m not really very hungry.”

“Tough. You’re gonna eat something.”

“You can be a real pain in the ass sometimes, Starsk. I hope you know that.” Hutch slammed the car door.

“Yep, I know it and I’m proud of it. But I’m also a nice guy sometimes and so I’m gonna forgive you for slamming my car door like that.”

Hutch turned to see his partner with a huge grin plastered on his face. “Yep, Starsky, a real pain in the ass.” Hutch had softened his tone. And I wouldn’t have you any other way. “I do hope you’re going to feed me something edible.”

“I doubt I’ll find anything I would consider edible in your kitchen,” Starsky grumbled as they made their way up the stairs to Hutch’s apartment.

While Hutch showered, Starsky rummaged through Hutch’s cupboards and refrigerator. Finding only the makings of a salad and some yogurt, Starsky decided to settle for a salad and a pizza, and quickly dialed the phone for pizza delivery.

By the time Hutch was done with his shower, Starsky had assembled a salad and set the table. Starsky watched as Hutch set several prescription bottles down on the counter and then kind of slid them back out of sight.

“Something to help you feel better?” Starsky asked in a matter-of-fact tone, as he watched Hutch shove the pill bottles to the back of the counter. Not sure what Hutch’s mood was, he didn’t want to come across as prying or pushy.

“Yeah, the usual drugs for the crazy person.”

“You’re not crazy, damn it!” The pizza delivery guy at the door interrupted Starsky.

After paying the young delivery kid, he placed the pizza on the table. “Come on and eat.”

Hutch pulled out a chair and sat slumped across the table from Starsky. Hutch watched as Starsky filled both their plates with pizza and salad, but said nothing. Starsky, who was hungry, quickly began eating. Pausing as he reached for another slice of pizza, he noticed Hutch still wasn’t eating.

“Hutch, come on, eat something.” Starsky’s voice took on a pleading tone. Hutch looked up to see the big blue eyes of his partner also held a pleading look.

“Don’t do that, Starsk.”

“Do what?”

“Give me that look.”

“What look? All I did was tell you eat something.” Starsky’s attempt to look innocent didn’t fool Hutch one bit.

“That pleading look you get on your face when you’re trying to talk me into something you think is good for me. You know, that mother hen look.”

“Oh, you mean like when you’re acting like a little kid who won’t eat his vegetables?”

“Yeah, you can be a real pain in the ass sometimes.” Hutch shoved his chair away from the table.

“Hutch, I think you are really over-reacting about this whole situation.”

“That’s easy for you to say, you’re not the crazy one.” Hutch slammed his hand down on the table. “I don’t know what the hell is happening to me. I want things in my life back the way they used to be before that damn car accident. Nothing has been the same since.”

Starsky felt a sudden rush of guilt as he remembered the day of the accident. He was supposed to pick Hutch up that morning, but instead had let himself be distracted by a toy store. My childish behavior caused Hutch to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Now is not the time to do this to yourself. Think about Hutch.

“Take it easy, Hutch.” About to say that Hutch was over-reacting, he caught himself in time. “Look, whatever the problem is, we can handle it. Remember, we make a pretty good team.”

“Good team, yeah, we make a good team.” Hutch’s voice had a somewhat wistful sound to it.

He sounds like he thinks our good team is a thing of the past. “Hutch, if you’d just talk to me about what’s going on, maybe we can figure out what to do next. You know, I bet if we had a good long talk, we might even figure out what it is that’s causing you to be sick. I mean, it’s obvious that something must really be bothering you.”

“We do need to talk but not right now, okay? I can’t think clearly right now. Can we do it later, Starsk?” I know what’s causing it, I just don’t know how or even if I should tell you. What will it do to our friendship? I don’t expect you to feel the same way, but I feel like I need to tell you. Maybe that’s not fair. I don’t know what to do. All I know is if I can never have more with you, I don’t want to lose what I have now.

“Sure, we can talk later. After you get some sleep, things will probably look a lot better, too.” Starsky pushed a slice of pizza toward Hutch. “Try to eat something. At least some salad. Then I’ll clean up and you can get some sleep.”

Hutch nodded, grateful that Starsky was willing to wait for their talk. He needed time to find the words to tell his best friend how things had been changing for him. Hutch took a few bites of the pizza and then moved on to the salad.

Starsky, relieved to see Hutch eating, stood up and carried his empty plate over to the sink. As he rinsed off the plate, the prescription bottles caught his eye. “You know it might be a good idea for you to take these. You do trust Dr. Martin, don’t you?”

“Of course, I trust him. I just hate the thought of taking any kind of drugs. especially when it’s not something physical.” Joining Starsky, Hutch placed his dishes in the sink. “I never thought I’d see a time I needed a couple of pills to make it through the day, and then another one to get through the night.” Starsky could hear the embarrassment in Hutch’s voice. He hates pills. He hates the idea of a shrink.

“It’s not forever.” Starsky pulled Hutch into a light embrace. “You go get some sleep now. We’ll talk later. You never know, I might make a pretty good shrink.” Releasing Hutch, he pushed him in the direction of his bedroom. “Go on.”

“You going to come back later?” Hutch turned to ask his partner.

“If it’s okay with you, I thought I’d just stick around here for a while. Hey, I promise to keep the TV down.”

“It’s okay, but wouldn’t you rather be with your lady than sitting here in front of my TV?”

“I’ll give her a call. She’s a very understanding lady. Plus, she finds me completely irresistible.” Starsky gave Hutch a wicked grin.

“And they think I’m crazy?” Hutch shook his head. “Suit yourself, Starsky.”

Hutch flopped down on the bed. Lacking the energy to even undress, he simply kicked off his shoes and pulled the blanket up over him. Closing his eyes, he tried to put everything out of his mind, wanting only to lose himself in sleep. But the upcoming talk scheduled with Starsky wouldn’t budge from his weary mind.

No way I can get out of it, either. He’s camped out in my living room just waiting. If he knew what was coming, he’d probably run like hell. Hutch rolled over on his side trying to get comfortable. Can I really say the words? Can I take the chance of losing the most important person in my life? The actual thought of losing Starsky brought Hutch to a sitting position. I can’t lose him. I can deal with him not feeling the same way, but I can’t lose him. But it’s a chance I have to take, because I sure as hell can’t go on like this. The familiar feeling of nausea hit Hutch and he half stumbled into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

Starsky bolted to his feet, hearing Hutch’s mad dash for the bathroom. Finding the bathroom door closed, Starsky could only stand there, helplessly listening to the painful sounds of retching. “Hutch, you okay?” No answer. “Hutch?”

“I’m okay.” Hutch’s voice sounded strained. Starsky then heard running water. Still respecting the closed door, he waited.

Finally, the door opened and Hutch stood in the doorway–an utterly pitiful sight. His face was flushed and his whole body seemed to be trembling. “Maybe I will try that stuff Dr. Martin prescribed.” His voice was weak, and the fact that he was willing to now follow the doctor’s orders told Starsky that Hutch had nearly reached the end of his rope.

“I’ll go get them. You sit down there on the bed. You don’t look so good.”

But Hutch had other plans. He followed Starsky out to the kitchen. It’s now or never. Tell him!

Hutch nervously cleared his throat as he stood watching Starsky fill a glass with water. “Starsk, there’s something I need to tell you.” Hutch felt himself break out in a cold sweat. He gripped the back of one of the chairs tightly, fearing that his knees might give out at any time. “Damn, I don’t know how to say this.”

“Here, the label says to take one now and one in the morning.” Starsky held out a pill and a glass of water. “Hutch, just tell me whatever it is. Just say it and get it over with.”

Swallowing the pill, Hutch set the glass down on the table and, with a trembling hand, wiped his mouth. “Just say it, huh? Get right to the point? Okay. Starsk, I’m in love with you.” Hutch collapsed into the chair he’d been holding onto so tightly. He held his breath, waiting for some reaction from Starsky.

“Hutch, you know I love you, too.” Starsky looked in bewilderment at his friend.

“No! I’m in love with you, Starsky. I love you as more than a friend.” The words rushed out of Hutch’s mouth as if afraid if he paused to catch his breath he would lose what little courage he had left.

Starsky stared at Hutch, the look on his face one of utter shock. “Hutch, what are you talking about? You can’t mean…” Starsky found himself at a loss for words. He couldn’t believe what his best friend had just said. “You’re kidding, right?” It had to be some kind of joke. “Hutch?”

Starsky stared at Hutch in disbelief. One look at Hutch’s face and Starsky knew it was no joke. “Oh, my God, you’re serious. This is crazy, Hutch. Totally and completely crazy.” Starsky nervously paced around the small kitchen area. “No, it’s more than crazy; it’s disgusting…perverted. We’re partners, best friends. What the hell are you thinking?”

Starsky stopped his pacing suddenly and turned to face Hutch. “Are you telling me that you’re gay?”

“No, I’m not telling you I’m gay. I’m just telling you that I’m in love with you. I’ve never felt this way about another man.” Hutch struggled to breathe. His chest heaved, and he knew that at any minute he was going to be sick again. “I’m sorry if you find the idea of my loving you so disgusting. Maybe you’d better leave now, Starsky.”

Hutch pulled himself to his feet and moved to the sink, where he splashed cold water on his face. Now is not the time to be sick.

Turning back to face his partner, Hutch found Starsky looking at him like he was from another planet.

“I thought I knew you, Hutch. I don’t know you at all. You don’t really expect me to….”

“To what, Starsky? To jump into bed with me? No! I don’t expect that at all. All I expected was, I don’t know, maybe a little understanding, a little compassion. Damn it, Starsky, you’re the one who wanted to talk.” Hutch knew he was losing control, but he didn’t care. Starsky had hurt him. He felt like he had been betrayed in some way. “Yeah, we’re quite a team, partner. Glad to know I can count on you.”

“Hutch, come on, you’re not being fair. I mean…. Well…it’s just not normal for you to suddenly….” Starsky knew he wasn’t handling this well at all. “Hutch, just calm down a little.”

“Normal? Calm down? I don’t think so, Starsky. Remember, I’m the one taking anti-depressants and Valium. I’m the one they think needs to see a shrink. I’m the crazy one.” With one swift movement, Hutch sent the pill bottles flying across the room. “Go on, get out of here.”

Starsky stared for a few seconds at his out-of-control partner. Then shaking his head, he turned and headed for the door. “We’re not done discussing this.”

“Yeah, we are. We’re all done, partner.” Moving across the room, Hutch opened the door and motioned Starsky out. Shutting the door, Hutch collapsed onto the floor.

Well, that went well. My best friend now hates me. He looked so…so repulsed…so disgusted when I told him I was in love with him. Why didn’t I keep my mouth shut? Leaning back against the door, Hutch tightly squeezed his eyes shut. He would never forget the look on Starsky’s face. He found me disgusting. No, not me…it was the idea he found disgusting. Gay, he wanted to know if I was gay. I’ve really made a mess of things.

* * *

Starsky pounded the steering wheel with his hands, ignoring the smarting pain, angry at Hutch and angry with himself. What the hell was that all about? Maybe, I should’ve tried pounding some sense into your head, partner. I don’t understand any of this. Wondering if he should go back and try to make things right, Starsky looked up toward Hutch’s window. No, I need time to sort things out. I need to try and understand what just happened.

Taking one last look up at the dimly lit window, Starsky slowly pulled away.

Hutch felt the all too familiar wave of nausea as it hit with full force, causing him to make a hurried trip to the bathroom. But this time he didn’t even care. It didn’t matter anymore. What mattered most to him was Starsky, and he was gone. Probably for good. The way he looked at me… Weak and exhausted, Hutch curled up on the bathroom floor.

* * *

Hutch spent the night alternating between restless sleep and pacing the apartment. By the time the early morning sun made its appearance, Hutch had come to a decision. He would spend the weekend tying up some loose ends–like Sara, and getting the papers signed on the beach house. The papers should have been signed last Friday, but due to his bouts of nausea he had postponed the appointment. Once things were settled, he was leaving. Getting out of town, running away, whatever you want it to call it, that’s what I’m doing. I have to; I don’t want to face Starsky. I can’t face him. For the first time in our friendship, I think we’ve both let each other down.

After making a pot of coffee, Hutch gathered up the scattered pill bottles from the floor. Reading the labels on each one, he set them back on the counter. Hating the very thought that he needed the drugs, he was tempted to toss them all in the trash. Don’t think about it, just take them. At least I can try them.

Almost feeling as if Starsky were there encouraging him to take the medication, Hutch swallowed the pills .I’ll try them, but just for a while.

After showering and dressing, Hutch made some phone calls: one to Dr. Martin, one to Captain Dobey, one to Sara, and the last one to the realtor concerning the beach house. He made arrangements to see all of them later that day. As much as he hated to bother Dobey on the weekend, it couldn’t be helped. Dobey had grumbled a bit about his weekend being disturbed, but Hutch could tell he didn’t really mean it. Sometimes Dobey just grumbled out of habit.

Within three hours, Hutch had signed the papers on the beach house and arranged a medical leave. Dr. Martin had been concerned about Hutch leaving town and going off alone, but agreed it was probably best if he took some time away from the job. Dobey wanting only what was best for Hutch, promised to handle all the necessary paperwork first thing Monday morning. Hutch hadn’t mentioned he’d be leaving town for a while or the fact that Starsky didn’t know anything about Hutch’s plans. He wanted to be long gone before anyone missed him. I’ll have to make sure I cover my tracks a bit, on the off chance my partner may look for me.

Signing the papers on the beach house and picking up the keys just didn’t seem that important without Starsky to share it. Starsky’s enthusiasm would have made the event a celebration. Instead, it was just a legal formality, but it was over and done with and Hutch now owned a house. Starsky would’ve enjoyed this. I’d have made a big deal out of presenting him with his own key. A feeling of great loss came over Hutch. No point now in dwelling on what might have been. Maybe someday in the future?

Hutch pulled up in front of Venice Place and sat, trying to muster up the energy to move his tired body out of the car and up the stairs. It’s going to be a long weekend. So much to get done. Sara would be coming over soon. With a tired sigh, Hutch forced himself out of the car and up the stairs.

Rather than taking a nap before Sara arrived, Hutch made himself some soup. He didn’t have much of an appetite but he knew he should eat, so he forced down as much as he could. Rinsing out his dishes, he glanced up at the clock and realized Sara would be arriving shortly. Kind of strange having Sara coming here. But then it was kind of strange me going there. Might as well face it, Hutchinson, this relationship you have with a hooker is way beyond strange.

The phone rang, breaking the stillness of the apartment and causing Hutch to nearly drop the glass he held in his hand. He stared at the phone, wishing he’d thought to take it off the hook. He didn’t feel like talking to anyone. Especially Starsky. What if it’s Starsky? What do I say to him? And what if it’s not Starsky?

Never having been able to ignore a ringing phone, Hutch reached out and, with some foreboding, picked up the receiver. “Hello.” His voice sounded awkward and fearful, even to himself. What am I afraid of…that he’s going to tell me he wants a new partner…a new best friend. Yes, damn it, I’m afraid. I don’t want to hear that disgust in his voice again. And I know I’m not ready to hear him say it’s over.

“Hutch?”

Hearing Starsky’s voice on the other end of the phone, Hutch hesitated, torn by conflicting emotions.

“Hutch, talk to me.” Starsky’s voice was thick and unsteady. Come on, buddy, somehow we have to deal with this. I’m not sure how, but we have to try.

Talk to you? I did that last night and look what happened. Hutch broke out in a cold sweat. I can’t. I can’t go through it again. Not now. I’m sorry. With a trembling hand, Hutch quietly hung up the phone.

He hung up on me. Starsky felt as if he’d been stabbed in the heart. Is this how Hutch felt last night? A disturbing thought began to form in his mind. What if this can’t be fixed? This could be the end of our partnership, the end of our friendship. There has to be something I can do.

I have to see him, face-to-face. We just can’t leave things the way they are. I canceled on Dana last night. It wouldn’t be fair to do it again tonight. But right after I drop her off, I’m going to see Hutch.

* * *

A panic stricken Hutch jumped at the sound of a knock at the door. Calm down. It can’t be Starsky. It’s probably Sara.

“God, you look awful,” were the first words out of Sara’s mouth when Hutch opened the door. She was shocked to see the good-looking detective so pallid and fatigued looking.

“That bad, huh?”

“Are you sick? Have you been to the doctor?” Sara’s voice was heavily tinged with concern. Despite the fact that Hutch had started out as just another paying customer, she cared a lot about him. After their first night together, she’d known he was someone special. Probably because he’d been the first person in a long time to show any kind of concern for her.

“Yes, for all the good it did, I did go to the doctor. Now can we talk about you instead of me?” Hutch spoke with a trace of bitterness. The memory of Starsky and the insistent manner in which he’d forced Hutch to seek help was still fresh in his mind. Was it only about twenty-four hours ago that my partner had hustled me off to the doctor? Only to later look at me with disgust.

“Remember it’s you and school we’re supposed to be talking about, not me and how lousy I look.”

“Fine. Whatever you say, but you don’t have to get so upset with me for being a little worried about you.” Sara sat down at the kitchen table. “Well, let’s get this over with.”

Hutch placed a pile of catalogs on the table. “You can look these over and see what you think. Any ideas on what you’d like to do?”

“I’m not sure. I never really thought I had much of a future to worry about. So I haven’t really given much thought to what I’d like to do with my life.” Sara’s voice was matter-of-fact. “I’m just happy I made it through high school. And I barely did that.”

“Sara, you don’t really want to continue on the way you are now, do you?”

“No, I don’t. But why are you so intent on helping me?”

“Why not? I like you. You need some help and I can help.” Hutch finally took a seat across the table from her. “Friends help friends.” Hutch handed her a piece of paper on which he had listed some possible job opportunities. “Maybe you can find something here.”

“You consider me a friend?” Sara looked thoughtfully at Hutch. “It’s been a while since I’ve had anyone I could call a friend.” A small smile curved her mouth.

“Well, I hope you consider me more than…” Hutch was embarrassed by what he had been about to say.

“Hey, I only think of you as a friend.” Sara’s spoke softly trying to keep the blond from going off on one of his guilt trips. It had been obvious from the very beginning that he felt a tremendous amount of guilt about the relationship they shared. “I’ve never thought of you as just a paying customer. Hell, I never even wanted your money. I just enjoy being with you.” Sara’s face showed some sadness as she reached across the table and gently squeezed Hutch’s hand. “I sometimes wish things could be different. That we could be more than friends. I could very easily fall in love with you.”

“Believe me, that’s something you really don’t want to do.” Hutch patted her hand. “If I were a sane man with any sense at all, I’d take you up on that offer.”

“I kind of wish you would,” Sara sighed softly. “I like being with you.”

“You can do a lot better than a burned-out, middle-aged cop.”

“Could do a lot worse, too.” Sara grinned. “Am I making you nervous?”

“Maybe a little.” Hutch attempted a small grin. “I’d like to help you make your life better, not mess it up more.”

“Ken, you really shouldn’t be so down on yourself. Talk to me about what’s eating at you so bad that it’s making you sick. Remember, I’m a pretty good listener.”

“It’s you we’re supposed to be talking about.” Hutch pointed toward the catalogs on the table.

“I can look them over anytime. Remember…friends help friends. Let me help you.”

“You can’t help me. Nobody can help me. I just have to learn to accept certain things.”

Sara could hear the pain in Hutch’s voice. “You’re talking about your partner? It might help to talk about it.”

“I already tried that. I tried to talk to him.” Hutch pushed back his chair and stood up. “I just made a mess of things. I should’ve just kept my mouth shut.” Running his hands distractedly through the fine blond strands of his hair, he moved away from the table. “I’ve lost the best friend I ever had. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

The look of pain in Hutch’s blue eyes nearly brought tears to Sara’s own eyes.

“Don’t even think that. From the little you’ve told me, I’m sure the two of you will be able to work things out.” Sara was now out of her chair and standing next to Hutch.

“You know, I think if you got some rest, things would look a lot better. You look like you haven’t had a good night’s sleep in a while.”

“I can’t seem to sleep anymore, unless I take of couple of sleeping pills. God, I hate that.”

Sara reached and took hold of Hutch’s arm. “Come on, you’re going to bed now. I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep.”

Hutch’s first instinct was to object, but as tired as he was, he didn’t have the strength to put up a fight. Like a child, he allowed himself to be led to bed. Sleep would be an escape from his tormented thoughts.

With her hand still on Hutch’s arm, Sara gave him a gentle push, sitting him down on the bed. Reaching down, she slid off his shoes and socks. “There, isn’t that better?” Next, she unbuttoned his shirt, but just as she was about to slide it off his shoulders, Hutch took over.

“I can do it.”

After removing his shirt, Hutch stood and pulled off his jeans. Sara pulled back the covers and motioned for Hutch to get into bed.

“I can take care of myself.”

“I know you can, but maybe I’d like to feel needed. You know, be a friend.”

“You remind me of another pain in the ass I know.” Hutch gave a tired smile. “I must attract them.”

“You should consider yourself lucky, then. You have two people who care enough about you to want to take care of you.”

“I’m not so sure about that anymore.” Hutch slid into bed and watched as Sara turned off the light. Expecting her to leave, he was surprised to hear her shoes fall softly to the floor and, before he knew it, she had slipped into bed and pulled him close to her.

“What are you doing?”

“Don’t ask questions, just go to sleep.” Sara began to rub Hutch’s back, and he couldn’t help but feel himself relax. “See, doesn’t that feel good? Now just close your eyes and let yourself drift off. Don’t fight it.”

Hutch had to admit it did feel good. I’m just so damn tired. Tired and scared. What have I done?

“Sara, do you really think there’s a chance I can work things out with Starsky?” Hutch’s voice sounded drowsy. “I miss him so much already.”

“Yeah, I’m sure things will work out. You just go to sleep now.” Sara kept up her gentle rubbing of Hutch’s back and shoulders.

When Hutch’s breathing had evened out and Sara was sure he was asleep, she silently slipped out of the bed, pulling the covers up around the slumbering blond.

* * *

Starsky pulled away from Dana’s apartment. He was relieved the evening was over and he could swing by Hutch’s on his way home. Dana had kept up a steady stream of excited conversation about a possible job interview next week. But it hadn’t taken her long to realize that Starsky’s mind was elsewhere. She had insisted Starsky take her home and go and try to fix whatever the problem was with Hutch. But she had also insisted that tomorrow was going to be their day. No problems. No Hutch. Just the two of them. And that’s just as it should be. Then why is so hard to put Dana first?

* * *

After writing a note to Hutch, Sara gathered up the catalogs from the table. I won’t let him down. I’ll look these over and make some choices. Looking in on Hutch one last time before leaving, Sara gazed down at the sleeping man. He looks so vulnerable. So childlike. And so sad and lost. That partner of his better come to his senses fast. Reaching down, she brushed some of the fine strands of blond hair off his forehead. You’ve given me so much hope, lately. I wish I could do more for you. But I promise you that I’ll make you proud. I’ll make something of myself.

Sara didn’t pay much attention to the red Torino that had pulled up outside the building as she made her way down the stairs. Her thoughts were on the sleeping man upstairs. She had decided she would return the next day to see how he was doing. Maybe he would feel more like talking.

Hutch’s car was parked outside his building, but Starsky looked up to a dark apartment. No light shone in the window. You sitting in the dark, Hutch? Are you sitting there thinking about how I let you down? I’m gonna make it up to you. I’m here now and we’re gonna talk. There’s got to be a way to make things right between us.

Just as Starsky was about to slide out of the car, the door to Hutch’s building opened. Hutch? The soft glow from the streetlight revealed it was not Hutch, but a young woman. Starsky studied the woman as she stood in front of the building, adjusting the books she carried in her arms. She was young and pretty, and had a look of innocence to her. Looking up toward Hutch’s window again, the thought crossed Starsky’s mind that Hutch was probably sleeping now. Sleeping after screwing this hooker through the mattress, Hutchinson? Man, you’re really messed up, partner. In love with me and fucking some hooker every chance you get. The idea of Hutch and this hooker made Starsky feel uneasy.

Starsky watched as the young woman headed down the street. Not really knowing why, he pulled away from the curb and slowly followed her. Why is Hutch spending so much time with you? Sex? You really don’t look like Hutch’s type. But then what type of hooker do I think Hutch would be interested in?

Suddenly unsure what approach to take with Hutch and feeling even more confused, Starsky watched as the young woman entered her hotel, then he drove on. For the first time in our friendship, I don’t have a clue what I should do or say. Starsky drove around aimlessly for a while, desperately trying to come up with a solution to the unexpected turn his life had taken.

I handled this all wrong. But, damn it, I don’t know how I was supposed to handle it. How is someone supposed to react when their best friend, who happens to be the same sex, announces out of the clear, blue sky that they’re in love with you? I’m afraid to see Hutch. What if I make things worse and hurt him even more? Part of me is almost even more afraid to leave him alone, though. He’s hurt and alone and I don’t know what he might do.

Not finding any answers, Starsky turned and headed toward home. Maybe tomorrow would bring some solution.

 

Part Three

The sun was just coming up Sunday morning, when Hutch awoke to an empty bed. Remembering that Sara had been with him when he fell asleep, he realized he was a bit disappointed that she was gone. Stretching, he yawned and then threw back the covers. “Sara?” he called out for her, half-hoping maybe she was still there. Despite the fact that he thought their relationship a bit twisted, he did find comfort in being around her.

A quick walk through the apartment proved Hutch was alone. Might as well get used to it. Finding Sara’s note on the table, he paused to read it. “Ken, I hope you slept well. Try not to worry about things with your partner. I’m sure you’ll work things out. I promise I will make some decisions about my life and will pick out some classes. I’ll make you proud. I’ll talk to you real soon. Love, Sara.”

Hutch smiled as he placed the note back on the table. She’ll be okay. Time for me to make some decisions concerning my own life. Loose ends are all tied up now. No reason I can’t get out of here for a while. No reason at all, except for one rather large curly-haired loose end I’ve called my best friend for years. Just thinking of Starsky brought a smile to Hutch’s face. I don’t want to leave, Starsk, but you’ve given me no choice.

After a hot shower and some coffee, Hutch took his medication and ate a quick breakfast. Now ready to face the day, he pulled a suitcase out of the closet and began tossing clothes into it. Then he gathered his things from the bathroom. Closing the suitcase, he stood and looked around his bedroom. The silver-framed photo on his dresser caught his eye. The two partners stood side-by-side, smiling broadly. Hutch remembered the day the photo was taken. It had been the last day of a long weekend of fishing at Dobey’s cabin. Hutch grinned as he thought about the huge smile on Starsky’s face. He was probably so happy because we’d soon be leaving the wilderness and heading back to civilization.

Grabbing the photo off the dresser, Hutch opened his suitcase and laid it carefully on top of his clothing. Closing the suitcase, he took hold of it and headed out to his car. Once he had the suitcase safely stowed in the trunk, he went back upstairs for one last look around. He hadn’t a clue where he was going or when he’d be back. Picking up his guitar, he closed the door quietly behind him.

Unable to help himself, Hutch ended up driving slowly past Starsky’s place. His eyes took in every little detail and committed them to memory to enjoy later. The red Torino parked in its usual place caused a lump to form in Hutch’s throat. He’d miss teasing his partner about his taste in flashy cars and watches. Taking one long last look, he drove slowly away. I miss you already, buddy.

Leaving the city behind him with no destination in mind, Hutch drove aimlessly for some time. His thoughts wandering almost as aimlessly as his driving. Memories of his grandfather and the peaceful times he’d spent at his farm helped him decide his destination. He would head for Duluth. Quickly calculating the distance in his head, Hutch knew he was in for one very long drive. But he had all the time in the world.

* * *

Several times Hutch fought the urge to turn the car around, go back to LA and beg Starsky to forget everything he had said. I’d take medication the rest of my life and go to therapy daily if things could just go back to the way they used to be. Hutch tried to force his mind back to the task at hand, which was getting himself to Duluth. Face it, things will never be the same between me and Starsky. It’s too late; the damage has been done. All the pills in the world won’t fix our friendship.

Hutch drove steadily for hours, stopping only when he realized he was low on gas. After filling the gas tank and getting a sandwich and cold drink, he was soon back on the road. Determined to get to Duluth as fast as he could, Hutch drove until fatigue forced him to halt for the night.

* * *

Starsky had planned a romantic evening with Dana at his place, complete with flowers and champagne, in an attempt to make up for the night before. It hadn’t been easy keeping his mind on Dana, while his thoughts continued wandering back to Hutch. What’s he doing right now? Is he still feeling sick? He’s probably feeling worse now. The knock on the door brought him back to the present. Taking one last satisfied look around, Starsky threw open the door with a flourish. The grin on his face plainly letting Dana know that he was pretty darn proud of himself.

“Looks like a celebration.” Dana looked around the candlelit room. “I’m impressed. Very fitting for my announcement.”

“You have an announcement?” Starsky popped the cork on the champagne and filled the two glasses. “So what are we drinking to?” Starsky lifted his glass and waited for her news. Somehow it doesn’t seem right to be drinking to anything…not with things the way they are between Hutch and me.

“Dave? I’ve been offered a fantastic job.” Dana’s voice almost shook from excitement and enthusiasm. “I still can’t believe it.”

“Well, I’m a bit confused, I thought you had an interview next week.” Starsky pulled Dana onto the couch. “Come on, give me all the details.” Starsky was happy to see her so excited.

“This is a totally unexpected job offer. It has nothing to do with the interview I have set up. I mean, I had sent them an application along with my resume months ago, but I never really expected to hear from them.”

With a soft chuckle, Starsky asked, “Are you ever going to tell me about it?”

“Okay, I admit I’m excited. How does the title ‘nursing supervisor’ sound’? Better yet, how does Chicago sound?”

His own excitement at Dana’s promotion suddenly turned to shock. “Chicago? The job you’ve been offered is in Chicago?” Starsky felt his stomach drop.

“Yeah, isn’t that great? I’ll actually be working at Cook County General in Chicago. Can you believe it?” Dana hadn’t yet noticed the change that had come over Starsky.

“What about us?” Starsky said as he got up from the couch. “I mean, I thought we had something good going here. A future.”

“We do have something good going, and I think we can have a future together.” Now, Dana looked confused. “This is a great opportunity for me, Dave. I’ll never get this chance here. I’m sure you can get a job in Chicago as a detective…” Her voice trailed off as she realized Starsky was no longer as thrilled about her job offer as she was. “What’s wrong?”

“Dana, I’ve never even considered leaving here. I like it here. I like my job. I feel like this is where I belong…” Now Starsky’s voice trailed off. “I have a partner here that means the world to me.” At least I hope I’ll still have a partner here.

“So, what you’re saying is that your job here and your partner are more important to you than what I want?”

“No, not more important. But at least as important. Be fair, Dana. You just drop this on me out of the blue and expect me to start packing? I can’t do that. It’s something I’ll have to give some major thought to.” Running his hands through his dark curls, he shook his head slowly. “I just don’t know.”

“I think I’ll just leave you to think this all over now. I’m no longer much in the mood for celebrating.” Dana set her glass on the table and picked up her purse. “Call me when you’ve come to some kind of decision. I really hope you’re not going to throw away our chance of a future together because you can’t leave your partner.”

Starsky stood staring at the door, speechless, as Dana walked out of his apartment. Damn. First Hutch, now Dana.

The bombshell Dana had dropped on him, was almost the last straw for Starsky. First Hutch and his revelation, and now Dana and this job offer in Chicago. The only word to describe the way he felt was numb. He couldn’t sleep or eat. Hell, he couldn’t even think. Normally, he would have gone over to Hutch’s and poured out his feelings about the situation he found himself in with Dana. But that was an option he didn’t have right now. Chicago, that’s so far away. I love her, but moving away just never entered my mind. Could it be I don’t love her enough? And what about Hutch? I’ve never even considered the possibility of not having him in my life. But can our friendship survive his new feelings and my damnable behavior?

* * *

When Monday morning came, Starsky was still undecided as what to do about the relationships in his life falling apart. He had had a little too much to drink the night before. It hadn’t helped anything and only left him with a hangover. Now he stared glumly at the alarm clock, watching the minutes go by. Between his hangover and his mood, he didn’t see how he could function at work today. Can’t function or can’t face Hutch? I’ll just tell Dobey I must’ve come down with whatever bug Hutch has.

After making the call to Dobey, Starsky spent the day with his thoughts rambling alternately between Hutch and Dana. I really care about Dana, but do I love her enough to change my whole life? And what about Hutch? Can I really just up and leave and go off to Chicago?

As Starsky’s mind wandered, thoughts of Dana were replaced with memories of Hutch and the tragic accident that had nearly changed their lives so drastically. I almost lost him. It was really rough on both of us for a while, but we made it. No matter what, we’ve always had each other. We’ve always been there for each other.

Thinking back to the night Hutch had revealed that he was in love with him, Starsky shook his head sadly. How could I have acted that way? The most important person in my life, and I don’t even take the time to listen to him and try to sort things sort. It must have been so hard for him to find the courage to finally tell me what was bothering him. God, it’s actually making him physically sick. How could I have been so insensitive?

Glancing at his watch, Starsky realized it was a few hours before Hutch’s shift would be over. I’ve got to see him. We’ll sit down and have a nice, calm talk. I’ll really listen to what he has to say. There has to be a way to fix this.

A hot shower and a sandwich later, Starsky was feeling better. He was convinced that things with Hutch would be patched up and back to normal by the end of the evening. We’ve always worked things out in the past. No reason we can’t do it now.

* * *

Starsky pulled up outside Hutch’s building and was disappointed to see his partner’s car was not there. It had been three days since Hutch had ordered him out of his apartment. I can’t blame him, though. What an unfeeling jerk I was that night.

Not bothering to knock, Starsky let himself in with his key. The apartment was quiet. Quiet and empty. Starsky walked through the silent apartment taking in the neat and orderly appearance. He’s gone. Starsky felt a little chill run down his spine. Something wasn’t right. Things just seem too neat. Taking a closer look around the apartment, Starsky’s eyes scanned the room, looking for any kind of clue as to where Hutch might have gone. Something’s missing. His guitar is gone. The beloved guitar was no longer in its usual spot.

Rushing into Hutch’s bedroom, he quickly rummaged through the closet. His suitcase is gone. His guitar’s gone. Panic began to build in Starsky. He’s gone. What have I done? Okay, okay, calm down. Starsky sat down on the bed and tried to focus on the important issue of where Hutch could have gone. Hutch is hurting and confused right now. Where would he go? Home to his parents? Not likely. Then where? I’m a detective, how hard can this be? Work it like a case.

Starsky started adding up what he did know. Hutch had been here Friday. The last time I saw him. Saturday I saw that girl leaving Hutch’s place so, I can assume he was still here Saturday night. So Hutch could have either left Sunday or today. Sunday while my relationship with Dana was beginning to sink, or today while I sat home feeling sorry for myself.

Deciding the girl might be the best place to start, Starsky headed off to talk to her. Then he would have to go see Dobey and let him know he would need some time off. I know he’s not going to be too happy about that. Wait a minute…Dobey, maybe he knows something. Hutch must have arranged some time off with the captain.

Pulling up in front of the building he had followed the young woman to the other night, Starsky was feeling confident. He was sure after talking to this girl and then Dobey, he would know where Hutch had gone. Kind of curious to see what this girl’s like. Hutch and a hooker, I still find the whole idea unbelievable.

As Starsky started to get out of the car, he looked up to see the woman approaching the building. She really is young. Sara’s hair was pulled back from her face, revealing her youth and that hint of innocence. Hutch, she’s so young. Even if she wasn’t a hooker, she just doesn’t look like your type.

Opening the car door, Starsky got out and moved toward the girl. He started to reach for his badge, but reconsidered. This wasn’t a case and she wasn’t a suspect.

Seeing the dark-haired man approaching her, Sara stood and waited for him. The thought he might be a possible client was quickly shoved aside as she remembered she wasn’t interested in possible clients anymore. She was starting a new life. He is kind of cute, though.

“Can, I talk to you for a minute?” Starsky asked as Sara stared intently at him.

“What about?” Sara couldn’t help feeling suspicious. “Are you a cop?”

Starsky hesitated for a second. He hadn’t been expecting that question. “Yeah, I’m a cop, but I want to talk to you about a friend of mine.” Starsky motioned across the street. “Can I buy you a cup of coffee?”

“Your friend have a name?” Sara suddenly had the sinking feeling she knew who this cop was.

“Yeah,” Starsky said softly. “Hutch…uh, Ken Hutchinson.”

Sara found Starsky’s eyes watching her. She knew he was looking for some sign that she recognized the name. But at the same time, she knew he was sure he was on the right track.

“Sure, coffee sounds good.”

Once settled in a booth in the coffee shop, they sat silent, both feeling somewhat awkward. A little embarrassed, Starsky cleared his throat, not sure how to proceed. He was about to start prying into his partner’s personal life, and it was not a good feeling.

Sara broke the silence. “I take it you’re Ken’s partner and you want to know about my relationship with him.” Her comment was more a statement than a question. “I can’t help you. You’ll have to talk to Ken.”

“I’d like nothing better than to talk to Hutch. But I can’t, he’s gone and I need to find him.” His voice had an edge of cold determination.

“Like I said, I can’t help you. He didn’t say anything to me about going anywhere.” Sara’s voice was steady but also tinged with determination.

“It wasn’t his relationship with me that made him go away.” Starsky felt a warm flush spread over his face at Sara’s words. She reached for her cup of coffee that had been sitting cooling in front of her.

“Look, I know you were at his place Saturday. Are you sure he didn’t say where he was going?”

“He didn’t say anything about going away. We didn’t really talk all that much.”

“I’ll bet.” Feeling extremely frustrated with the way the conversation with Sara was going, he couldn’t keep the sarcasm out of his voice.

“Hey, don’t take it out on me because you messed up with Ken. None of this is my fault. And not that it’s any of your business, but the reason we didn’t talk much is because Ken looked awful and I convinced him to get some sleep.”

For a brief moment, Starsky felt a sense of betrayal. It was obvious Hutch had told this girl about his feelings for Starsky. He confided in a hooker. He talked to her about me. And why not? He was afraid to say anything to me and it seems he had good reason. It was also obvious that this girl did care for Hutch. She’s not exactly what I expected.

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to take any of this out on you. I’m just worried about him. I guess you know things are kind of a mess between the two of us.” Starsky’s earlier confidence that he would soon find Hutch was quickly fading.

“I’m sorry, too. I know you’re worried about him. Maybe he just needs to be alone for a while. Do you really think there’s anything to worry about?” Sara had softened her tone. She reminded herself that Ken loved this dark-haired man sitting across from her, nervously stirring his coffee.

“I don’t know what I think anymore. I just want to try and make things right between us. I handled everything so badly.” Starsky paused for a few seconds. “I’m worried because I know how Hutch is. He’ll analyze and pick things apart until he’s convinced it’s all his fault. And once he’s convinced, he’ll let guilt eat away at him.” Starsky laughed softly. “You know, sometimes it’s a full-time job for me, trying to keep Hutch’s guilt from consuming him.”

“Yeah, I can believe that.”

Starsky looked up at Sara. “You noticed?”

“I do know about his tendency for guilt,” Sara shrugged. “You can imagine the guilt he’s been suffering about his involvement with a hooker young enough to be his daughter.”

“God, no wonder he’s making himself sick.” Starsky, for the first time, really studied the young woman sitting across from him. Young and pretty. She doesn’t really look like a hooker. She’s smart, too. And she seems almost protective of Hutch. Yeah, Hutch has to be drowning in guilt.

“I know you don’t want to talk about your relationship with Hutch, but I have to admit I’m kind of curious. I just don’t see Hutch…well…don’t see Hutch with a prostitute. No offense, it’s just that Hutch…he’s a pretty moral kind of guy.”

“No offense taken. I’m what I am. I understand your being surprised. Hell, even shocked. And you’re right, Ken is a very moral kind of guy. I think he’s been fighting some kind of battle within himself ever since the first night we spent together.”

“How did you two happen to meet? I don’t see Hutch going out looking for a…” Starsky was beginning to feel uncomfortable and tried to think of another, less demeaning word.

“No, I don’t think he was looking for anything except maybe drowning his sorrows in a few beers that night. I knew he was a pretty good candidate. He’d had a few, and he looked like he’d lost his best friend.” Sara smiled thinking about that first night with the blond cop.

“You care about him, don’t you?” Starsky saw the somewhat wistful expression on her face.

“Sure, I care about him. He’s different from what I’m used to. He’s nice to me. He seemed so lost and alone that night. I remember he changed his mind and started to leave, but I convinced him that I was just what he needed. I think I wanted to believe I could help him somehow. Somehow it just became important to me to make him feel better.”

“Did you make him feel better?” Starsky asked, needing to satisfy his curiosity and to try and understand what Hutch had been going through.

“Yeah, I think you could say he was feeling pretty good. Well, in a manner of speaking, anyway. That is, until he got to feeling guilty.” Sara couldn’t help but laugh softly remembering. “He didn’t think he’d been much of a gentleman and wanted to make it up to me. Can you believe that? I even reminded him I was a hooker and that it didn’t matter.” Her face grew very serious. “But it mattered to him. He was so gentle. He did things…he made me feel…” Sara got to her feet suddenly. “I think I’ve said way too much.”

Starsky could see she was blushing at having revealed so much. “It’s okay. This is just between us.” She really cares about him.

“I really shouldn’t have said anything. I think deep down he’s ashamed of needing me the way he did.” Sara struggled against the urge to cry. “I think he really did need me, you know?”

“I think he did, too.” Starsky felt a lump forming in his throat. “And I’m glad you were there for him. I may not understand how or why he found you, but I think I’m kind of glad he did.”

“You’ll let me know when you find him, won’t you? And when you do, make sure you get things settled between the two of you.”

“Of course I’ll let you know.” Starsky was on his feet now. “Come on, I’ll walk you back to your place.”

“Thanks for the coffee.” Sara paused as she turned to enter the shabby hotel. “You find him and take care of him, okay? He looked really bad. He needs you.”

“You can count on it. We always have taken care of each other.” Starsky pulled his keys of out his pocket.

“Give Ken a message for me when you find him. Tell him, I’ve been thinking about classes and I need a little advice from him.”

“I’ll pass that on, and I’m sure he’s gonna be happy to hear that. I’ll be in touch.”

As Starsky pulled away, planning to stop at the station and talk to Captain Dobey, he realized he had forgotten all about Hutch’s beach house. Could that be where Hutch went? Makes sense, he always liked it there.

Starsky hit the gas a little harder and turned toward the beach. Please let him be there. I really need to talk to him. Shit, if he thinks he’s confused, he should be in my shoes. Tell me there isn’t something wrong with a guy searching frantically for his best friend, while the woman he loves is waiting for an answer about their future. Something wrong? Maybe not…maybe I just haven’t figured out who is the most important person in my life.

Starsky’s hopes were dashed when he arrived at the beach house and there was no sign of Hutch’s car. Starsky walked around the small house, looking for any kind of sign that Hutch had been there. But there was nothing. Damn, I’m getting nowhere.

He found himself drawn to the water, much the way Hutch would have been. Staring out over the ocean, he couldn’t help but wish Hutch was there with him. This is where you belong, Hutch. You love it here. Where the hell are you? Are you okay? Please don’t hate me.

Starsky remembered standing in the window of the house and watching Hutch as he stood practically in the same spot where Starsky now stood. You looked so damn good, Hutch. You were on your feet and walking. Something you never really believed you’d do again. Even though I kept telling you you could do it, there were times I was afraid it might never happen, buddy. But I would’ve stuck with you. You know that, don’t you? I know we had a few bad moments here, but in some ways we were closer than ever during our stay here.

Starsky shook his head as if to clear out all the memories. Well, I can stand here living in the past or I can get busy, find you, and try to work things out with you so we might have some kind of future together. Partners, friends, or…

“Damn it!” Starsky slammed his car door. Well, that was a wasted trip. Dobey had been no help at all. All he could tell him was that Hutch was on leave. Medical leave. Great, I’ve got a partner who thinks he’s crazy and now he’s disappeared. Think, damn it! I can do this. I’m a detective and my partner is missing. I just have to think like Hutch. If I were Hutch, and I was hurt and confused, where would I go? Normally, Hutch would go to his partner. But since Hutch’s partner acted like a total bastard and is the reason Hutch took off in the first place, that rules that out. What about home to Duluth to spend some time with his parents? Nope, that’s not where an already hurting Hutch would go.

It would be so much easier looking for a missing person if I had a partner. As Starsky pulled out of the parking lot, his stomach let out a loud rumble. Not only do I need a partner, I need some food. Huggy’s.

* * *

Huggy had looked questioningly at a Starsky without a Hutch, but for once didn’t comment.

“What’ll it be?” Huggy asked as Starsky slid into a booth.

“A beer, one of your famous burgers, and some help finding my partner.”

“Is that all?” Huggy turned and yelled out Starsky’s order to Diane and took a seat across from the dark-haired, sad-looking detective.

“What’s up with Hutch?”

“He’s gone.”

“You two have a lovers’ quarrel?” Huggy joked.

“Yeah, something like that.” Starsky refused to let Huggy’s comment shake him. “I can’t give you the details, but Hutch has taken off. Sort of a combination of things piling up on him. I think he just needed some time alone. But I really need to make sure he’s okay.”

“Have you checked with his family?”

“No, not yet, but I really doubt he’s with his parents right now.”

“Well, Hutch does like the great outdoors. Camping, maybe, or how about Dobey’s cabin?”

“He does like the wilderness. But I don’t think he went to Dobey’s cabin. Dobey would have said something.” Starsky’s face suddenly lit up. “He may not be with his parents, but I’ll bet he’s not far from them.” Starsky set down the empty beer bottle, not even realizing how quickly he had emptied it.

“Where?” Huggy asked as he motioned for another beer for Starsky.

“His grandfather’s farm. Hutch is always talking about the good times he had there. He was close to his grandfather. The farm belongs to Hutch now. I was there once with Hutch. He loves it there.” Starsky couldn’t keep the excitement out of his voice. He was sure that’s where Hutch had gone.

Huggy shook his head, “How can you be so sure that’s where Hutch went?”

“I can’t explain it, Huggy, but I’m telling you, Hutch has gone to his grandfather’s farm. I know it.”

Swallowing the last of his second beer, Starsky got to his feet.

“Where you off to in such a rush?” Huggy asked, even though he knew Starsky would be on his way to Duluth as soon as humanly possible.

“I’ve got things to do. I’ve got to see Dobey about some time off, I’ve got to make a plane reservation, and I’ve got to get packed.” Starsky tossed some bills down on the table and then grinned at Huggy. “Time’s a wastin’.” Starsky was clearly feeling much better than when he had arrived

* * *

But his good mood was short-lived. Captain Dobey quickly denied his request for some time off. “I’m sorry, Starsky, but I just can’t spare you right now. With Hutch off on leave and three others on vacation, I’m shorthanded as it is.”

“But, Cap’n.” Starsky’s tone was pleading. Almost desperate.

“Starsky, I’ve explained it to you. No time off until Anderson comes back from vacation next Monday.” Dobey tried to keep the impatience he was feeling out of his voice, but he knew he wasn’t succeeding. “Starsky, look, I know you’re worried about Hutch, but he’s a grown man and can take care of himself. Right now, he’s following his doctor’s suggestion that he take some time off.” Dobey had softened his tone a bit. “Starsky, get out of here. Take the rest of the day off. But I want you back here first in the morning. Is that understood? None of this I’ve come down with a bug’.”

“Yeah, it’s understood.” Starsky stomped out the office, somehow resisting the temptation to slam the door. Shit, a whole week until I can fly out to Duluth and see Hutch. I don’t know why I’m worrying so much, but I just hate the thought of him alone. Alone and wondering what the hell has happened to his life. He wouldn’t do anything crazy, would he? Starsky shuddered at the thought but pushed it out of his mind. Nope, that’s not Hutch’s style at all. Then again, Hutch’s style seems to have changed quite drastically lately. Forcing his mind back on the task at hand, which was getting himself home, Starsky hit the gas and moved out of the parking lot.

As soon as he was through the door, Starsky tossed his jacket aside and dialed Hutch’s number, hoping maybe his partner had changed his mind and returned home. But no answer. Sliding off his holster and gun, Starsky next dialed the airport and made a reservation for a flight late Sunday night.

Settling down on the couch with a cold beer, Starsky jumped as the phone rang. Hutch? Almost spilling his beer in his haste to get to the phone, he reached out with a trembling hand. “Hello. Hutch?”

“Sorry, Dave, it’s only me. You do remember me?” Dana’s voice didn’t hold its usual cheery tone.

“Sorry, Dana, I’ve been trying to get a hold of Hutch.” No point in telling her my problems with Hutch. I already have enough problems with her.

“Don’t worry about it, Dave. I just wanted to let you know that I am flying to Chicago tomorrow to look for an apartment. I’ll be starting my new job in two weeks. I guess this is the end of what might have been a really good relationship. Sorry it had to end this way. Guess we both want different things.” Dana’s voice had softened and Starsky could hear the sadness she was feeling.

“Dana, it doesn’t have to end like this. There must be a way for us to work things out.”

“No, I don’t think so, Dave. Face it, if you have to make a choice, it’s going to be Hutch. I think you made that decision a long time ago, you just haven’t realized it yet.”

“So it’s over?” There was a faint tremor in his voice as her words began to sink in. “I don’t know what to say.” Everyone’s leaving me.

“You don’t have to say anything, Dave. If you should at some point realize that you need more than Hutch, I hope you’ll call me. Good-bye.”

Starsky heard the click of the phone as Dana hung up. Terrific just terrific. Maybe I should consider getting a dog. Man’s best friend and all. Then again with my luck even man’s best friend wouldn’t stick around long.

* * *

Hutch stopped driving only when necessary to eat or sleep. The memories of his grandfather and the farm kept him moving. The farm had always symbolized peace to Hutch, and peace was something he was in dire need of now.

Three days after leaving his home and partner behind, he arrived in Duluth. He stopped in town long enough to stock up on groceries and other essential items. Thinking of how close he was to his parents made him feel a tinge of guilt. No way I can deal with them now. They’d have a ton of questions about what I was doing here. The thought of dealing with his parents sent Hutch quickly on his way out of the city. He had about a forty-minute drive to the farm.

Hutch drove slowly up the driveway toward his grandfather’s house. He halted the car halfway up the winding drive and sat quietly, as memories of his grandfather and the time he had spent here with him washed over him. I miss you, Grandfather. We had such good times here. Peaceful times. This place was always a refuge whenever life became too complicated and difficult for me to deal with. And here I am again, looking for refuge. Only wish you were here, too. Grandfather, I sure need to talk to you. You always had the answers I needed, or at least pointed me in the direction I needed to go to find my answers. And, boy, do I need some direction now.

Putting the car in gear, Hutch headed up the driveway, his thoughts still lingering fondly on his grandfather. He took in the familiar sights of the sturdy old farmhouse and faded red barn. The garden was in need of some attention, but still looked beautiful in the late August sun. Both the house and barn were a bit more weathered looking than he remembered. Hutch struggled to swallow the lump in his throat as his hand wiped at a tear that had begun to trail down his cheek.

Before taking his suitcase into the house, Hutch walked slowly around it. The house was in need of a fresh coat of paint. The barn, too. Nothing like some good, old-fashioned hard work to keep one’s mind occupied. A neighbor down the road had been acting as caretaker since the death of Hutch’s grandfather, but the elderly man was only able to do the most basic maintenance. Clearly, Hutch would have plenty of work to keep him busy during his stay.

Later, with the car unloaded and things put away, Hutch sat outside on the front porch. The late afternoon sun felt good and Hutch closed his eyes. Wonder what Starsky’s doing now? Probably something with Dana. The thought of Starsky and Dana together brought to mind the time he had stood outside Starsky’s bedroom door. Thank God Starsky doesn’t know about that. If he found the idea of me being in love with him disgusting, what the hell would he think if he knew I had listened to him and Dana making love? And then gone home and…I’m so sorry, Starsk.

I should never have told him about the way I was feeling. I should have kept it to myself, gone into therapy and learned to deal with it. I don’t want to lose the most important person in the world to me. He’s my best friend and I need him in my life. Starsky and his damn talk to me crap. Talking is why things are so messed up now. The thought of losing his best friend hurt so badly, Hutch felt the all too familiar feeling of nausea as he wiped at the hot tears he now found trickling slowly down his face. Okay, pull yourself together. Keep taking the medication, learn to deal with your feelings in some way, and then go home and beg Starsky to give your friendship one more try.

The long drive to Duluth had taken its toll and Hutch could no longer ignore the fact that he needed some sleep. Forcing himself to his feet and into the house, Hutch was soon asleep in his childhood room.

* * *

Hutch’s sleep was interrupted on and off throughout the night by dreams of Starsky. Always the same dream–an angry and out-of-control Starsky screaming his disgust at Hutch. The dreams were so real that every time he awoke, he was almost expecting to find Starsky ranting at him from the foot of the bed. Damn, usually Starsky comforts me after a bad dream. Now, suddenly, he’s the cause of my nightmares.

The medication seemed to be making a difference in the way Hutch felt physically. But nothing could take away the pain he felt deep in his very soul. It was always with him. During the day he kept busy working around the farm, but sometimes, despite his best effort, thoughts of Starsky intruded and the pain was back. The nights were worse. Night after night, he relived the time he had told Starsky how he really felt. And night after night, he relived the shame he felt as he saw the look of disgust on Starsky’s face. At times, he worried he’d spoken before thinking. Did I really love Starsky that way? Or have I destroyed the most precious thing in the world to me for no reason? Maybe it was just some sort of damned after-effect from the accident? Could I have become too dependent on Starsky?

No matter what he did to try and force Starsky from his mind, Hutch’s thoughts always came back to the emptiness he felt without his friend. He’s always been there for me. But this time I demanded too much. He’s had enough…he was there through that damnable divorce mess with Vanessa, and he was there to pick up the pieces when Forest finished with me. And he took such good care of me when I couldn’t walk. He’s the only reason I’m walking again. Without him I’d be sitting in a wheelchair, probably bitter and hating the world. Instead, we’re still working together as partners. And I ruined it all by wanting too much from him.

* * *

By Thursday, Starsky was frustrated and irritable and was snapping at everyone. His fellow officers had quickly learned to keep their distance. He knew he was behaving badly; he knew it, but he didn’t seem to be able to stop it. He was worried about Hutch and that was all he could think about. He had asked himself time after time what he was so worried about. Hutch needed some time away. Should that be cause for concern? Probably not. But at some point, Starsky wondered if what really worried him was that Hutch’s feelings might change again. Not only might Hutch no longer be in love with him, but maybe he didn’t even like him anymore.

* * *

Saturday morning, Dobey poured a cup of coffee and watched as a bleary-eyed Starsky straggled in. “Good morning, Starsky.”

“And just what’s so good about it, Cap’n?”

“There’s a lot of things good about it, young man. Take, for instance, the sun is shining. Then there’s also the fact you’re young and healthy. Better yet, maybe you should consider it a good morning just because you still have a job despite the nasty attitude you’ve displayed all week.” Dobey’s tone was always kind of gruff, but now it held a tinge of anger.

Starsky flushed slightly at Dobey’s words. “Sorry, Cap’n, you’re right. I know…I haven’t been easy to get along with this past week. I’ll work on that.”

“Don’t bother Starsky, I don’t think anyone around here could handle so much as another hour with you. So, get out of here. Go find Hutch if that’s what will improve your mood.”

Starsky stood almost dumbfounded. “You mean it?”

“Yes, I mean it. Now get out of here. Oh, and don’t think I’m doing this for you. I’m doing it for everyone who’s had to put up with your nonsense this week. And when you get back, there had better be a major change for the better in your attitude.” Dobey motioned toward the door. “Get out of here before I change my mind.”

Not wanting to give Dobey a chance to reconsider, Starsky was quickly out the door after thanking him one more time. Arriving home, he wasted no time calling the airline. He was relieved to hear the voice on the other end of the phone tell him there was no problem with him switching tomorrow’s reservations for tonight. Grabbing the pad of paper that sat by the phone, Starsky scribbled the flight number and the departure and arrival times down. Another quick call assured him he would have a rental car waiting for him. Now all he needed to do was pack and somehow occupy himself until time to leave for the airport. I wish I could have gotten an earlier flight. But then again, I need to figure out what I’m going to say to Hutch when I get there. What’s his reaction going to be when he finds out that I let the woman I thought just might be the one leave town without me because I couldn’t or wouldn’t leave him? So, Hutch, I think I might be just as screwed up as you are.

By the time Starsky boarded the plane that evening, he still hadn’t a clue what to say or do when he finally came face-to-face with his best friend.

* * *

Hutch was tired after putting in another day working on the many repairs that needed doing around the farm. He had already painted the outside of the house and weeded the many perennial flowerbeds his grandparents had so enjoyed. He had felt only a slight twinge of guilt when he had made a trip into Duluth for paint and other things he’d needed. Truth be told, if anyone should feel any guilt about me being in Duluth and not seeing my parents, it should be them.

If it hadn’t been for Starsky’s shadow seeming to hover over him at all times, Hutch might have enjoyed the time working on the farm. Even the utter exhaustion and the aches and pains of so much physical labor were not enough to guarantee Hutch a good night’s sleep, though. Most nights, he swallowed down the prescribed sleeping pills, grateful he had thought to have the prescription refilled before fleeing.

The sun was just setting when Hutch decided to call it a night and fix himself something to eat. After a quick wash-up, Hutch moved around the kitchen, preparing dinner. Saturday night usually meant a pizza and some beer with Starsky. Then maybe a game of Monopoly. Now it means a pork chop, baked potato, and a salad. Alone. Somehow the thought that he might be eating better without his partner provided no comfort at all. I miss him.

Taking his dinner outside, he sat at the weathered old picnic table where he had shared many meals with his grandfather. Even the picnic table needs work. Hutch mentally added that to the growing list of things he wanted to do before he left. Leave and go where? I can’t see myself going back and facing Starsky anytime soon. And even then what would I do? I think our partnership is pretty well finished.

Realizing his dinner was getting cold, Hutch picked up his fork and started to eat. It was a perfect late summer evening. The breeze that drifted softly was warm with only a hint of the coming of fall. He remembered his last trip here a few years ago. Starsky had been with him. They had only stayed a couple of days, but those days had become another fond memory of the farm. Hutch had shown Starsky around, and they had talked and shared some of their childhood experiences with each other. Looking out across the familiar yard where he had spent so much of his childhood, he wished with all his heart he could just surrender himself to the quiet peacefulness of the farm. Put the pain behind him and just enjoy the serenity of being someplace he loved so much. But being who he was, Hutch knew he couldn’t do that. He wasn’t made that way. He had to dwell on every painful thing that came his way. It really wasn’t necessary to run away to the farm was it? No peace here, just memories of better times. And still the pain. Realizing he wasn’t as hungry as he had thought, he gathered up his plate and silverware and returned to the kitchen.

Fifteen minutes later, the kitchen was clean and he had found something to read amongst his grandfather’s varied collection of books. Settling into the big armchair that had sat next to the fireplace for as long as he could remember, Hutch opened the book. But he had barely turned a page when his thoughts wandered back to Starsky. No, it wasn’t just some stupid reaction to my accident that makes me feel this way. Damn it, I do love you, Starsky. No, I’m in love with you. But why couldn’t you just have said, “thanks, but no thanks?” Why did you have to…but, hell, why wouldn’t you go off the deep end if your best friend suddenly admits that he wants to jump your bones? If you had only let me explain. I would’ve told you that it didn’t matter if you felt the same way. Nothing had to change. I just didn’t feel right keeping something like that from you. I need you in my life, Starsk. I can settle for just being friends. Can I? Yes, damn it, if I have to I can. I’ll even learn to live with the fact that you have Dana in your life.

Dropping the book onto the floor, Hutch leaned his head back and closed his eyes. Dana, I’d almost forgotten about her. Hutch felt his stomach churn. Who am I kidding? I can’t even face Starsky, let alone try to pretend my feelings haven’t changed. And Dana, I know I couldn’t deal with seeing her with Starsky all the time.

Despite the turmoil churning through his mind, the day’s physical labor and the resulting exhaustion won out, and he was soon asleep in the chair. Loud and incessant pounding on the front door rudely interrupted the peace he had found in sleep. Confused and still numb from sleep, it took Hutch a few seconds to realize the racket that had wakened him was coming from the door. Coming out of the fog he seemed to be in, Hutch, stumbling slightly, made his way to the front door.

Opening the door, Hutch stared into a pair of familiar blue eyes. The sight of his slightly ill-at-ease partner standing in front of him literally took his breath away. He had to remind himself to breathe. Torn between sure sheer joy and absolute terror at seeing Starsky, he wasn’t sure what to say. But the terrified part of him won out and all he could utter was, “How did you find me?”

Starsky had never been this nervous around Hutch in his life. Trying his best to disguise that fact, he grinned and replied, “Hey, what can I say, I’m a good detective.”

“Okay, why did you find me?” Hutch felt himself steeling to protect himself at any cost, determined to keep his guard up at all times around Starsky. I won’t allow myself to get hurt.

“Why? We’re partners and I thought we were friends.” This is going to be harder than I thought. “I was worried about you.”

“As you can see, I’m just fine. You can turn around and go on back to your life.” Hutch hated himself for his coldness, but right now it was the only weapon he had to use. Unsure of what Starsky was up to, he was taking no chances.

“Hutch, it’s late. I’m tired. I don’t even know if I can get a flight out of here tonight.” I’m not going anywhere until I’ve had my say. Starsky hoped his pleading tone would have an effect on Hutch. If I have to sleep in my rental car tonight, I will. I’m not going anywhere until we settle things. One way or another. “I really think we need to talk.”

Hutch felt himself weakening but only a little. “Okay, you can stay. But only for tonight. That’s it. I came here to be alone. Understood?”

“Understood.” Round one is over and I won it.

Hutch stepped aside and let the relieved Starsky through the door. “You can sleep in the guestroom.”

Starsky followed Hutch up the stairs, noticing the rigid set of the blond’s shoulders. I definitely have my work cut out for me.

Starsky sat his suitcase down and then tried to help, as Hutch quickly made up the bed with fresh linens. “If you need anything, just let me know.” Hutch turned and walked out of the room.

Who the hell was that? I feel like I’m staying in a hotel.

* * *

Hutch spent half the night tossing and turning. Even though he wouldn’t admit it to Starsky, it was comforting knowing he was just down the hall. Comforting, but at the same time, just a little unsettling.

* * *

The next morning, Starsky woke to the scent of fresh coffee wafting its way up the stairs. Stretching, he threw back the covers and quickly pulled on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Might as well get started on our talk. Get things smoothed over and then I can enjoy a few days off from work.

“Good morning, Blondie.”

“And just what’s so good about it?” Hutch was hanging on to his cold, indifferent attitude. He didn’t trust this unbelievably cheerful Starsky. Not while he still had a clear image of the disgusted Starsky who had lashed out at him.

“You better not ever ask Dobey that.” Starsky couldn’t help smiling, thinking about how he’d asked Dobey that exact question yesterday.

“Thanks for the warning. Now how about you get on the phone and get yourself a flight back home?

“How about before I do that, we do some talking about what’s going on with us?”

“Talk. You want to talk? Well, count me out, buddy. That last talk we had will last me a lifetime. Thanks, but no thanks!”

“Hutch, come on, be reasonable here. We need to get things cleared up between us. We can’t let this go on any longer. Doesn’t our friendship mean anything to you?” Starsky’s good mood was quickly being replaced by a panicky feeling that maybe their friendship didn’t matter anymore to Hutch. “I said things that night I shouldn’t have said. I admit I was a jerk. Come on, Hutch, let’s talk this mess out and get our lives back on track.” Starsky was begging now. Please, Hutch.”

“Get it through your head, Starsky, I don’t want to talk. Not now. Not ever.” Hutch’s blue eyes held an almost lethal calmness. “Now, I’ve got things to do. Help yourself to some breakfast and then make that call.”

Starsky cringed at the sound of the back door slamming. He’s pissed! Starsky watched as Hutch angrily lurched toward the barn. A few minutes later, Hutch came out of the barn with a ladder and a bucket of paint. From the way Hutch was stomping around and throwing things, it was clear he was angry.

Damn you, Hutchinson. I admitted I was a jerk for reacting that way. I’ve apologized and I want to talk about it. But, no, you’ve got to be totally unreasonable. Well, I’ve had enough. Starsky pulled open the door and loudly and angrily shouted, “Hutch, you get off that damn ladder and get in here now.”

Startled, Hutch turned at the sound of Starsky’s angry bellow, causing the already unsteady ladder to topple over. Starsky watched in horror, as the blond seemed to hurtle to the ground in slow motion. The ladder clattered noisily to the ground as Hutch’s body hit hard, landing half on top of the ladder and half on the now paint-splattered ground.

Hutch! Starsky fought his rising panic, as he made his way to where his friend lay sprawled on the ground. Stay calm. Starsky’s heart was thumping madly as he knelt beside Hutch.

Starsky was almost afraid to touch him. But needing to know just how badly Hutch was hurt, he reached out a trembling hand. Hutch had landed partially on his side across the ladder. Gently, Starsky rolled his partner toward him. “Hutch? Hutch, come on, open your eyes.” Starsky quickly scanned his partner’s body for any obvious signs of injury. The only thing noticeable was a gash above Hutch’s left eye that already showed signs of swelling and bruising.

Hutch’s eyelids fluttered, and then his eyes opened to meet the concerned eyes of his partner staring down at him. “Starsk, what happened?” Hutch made an attempt to get up, but Starsky held him firmly in place.

“You and that ladder took a nasty fall. I don’t think you should move around too much until we find out how bad you’re hurt. You could have some broken bones.” Starsky ran his hands across Hutch’s chest searching for signs of broken ribs.

“I don’t think anything is broken. Just help me up.”

“Where does it hurt?” Starsky didn’t want to take any chances on complicating any injuries Hutch might have.

“It hurts everywhere. Just help me up, would you?”

“Take it slow, buddy.” Starsky told a firm hold on his partner and slowly helped ease him to his feet.

Hutch groaned loudly when his weight on his ankle brought a jolt of pain. “My ankle,” Hutch gasped.

“You think it’s broken?” Starsky looked anxiously at Hutch. “You know it might be a good idea to let a doctor look you over. You did hit pretty hard. And that’s a nasty looking cut on your head.” Hutch just shook his head. It was clear to Starsky that Hutch was in a lot of pain.

“Nothing’s broken and I don’t need a doctor. Just get me into the house, okay?”

“Sure, let’s take it slow and easy.” After what seemed an eternity to both men, they finally made it to the house. Starsky tried to ease Hutch into the chair next to the fireplace as gently as possible, but despite his best efforts, Hutch groaned loudly, complaining about the pain in his back.

“Your back? Hutch, are you absolutely sure you don’t want a doctor?”

“I’m sure, Starsky. I’ve had my fill of doctors for a while. My ankle’s not broken and my damn back gives me problems all the time.”

“All right, we’ll do it your way. But I think we need to get you settled and comfortable, get some ice on that ankle, and take care of the cut above your eye. I don’t think you can handle the stairs right now. How about I get you settled in the downstairs bedroom?”

“I guess that’s probably the easiest thing to do.” The pain was now forcing Hutch to speak through clenched teeth. “Let’s get it over with then.”

Both of them were exhausted by the time Starsky had managed to get Hutch settled as comfortable as possible under the circumstances. Starsky had brought extra pillows from Hutch’s bedroom upstairs and arranged them behind Hutch. The blond had remained silent except for an occasional moan. “Okay, I’m gonna get some ice for that ankle and then clean the cut on your forehead.” Starsky patted Hutch’s arm before heading for the kitchen. “I’ll be right back.”

Hutch’s eyes wandered around the bedroom that had been used for so many years by his grandparents. The room looked exactly the same as it had when he was a child. The old oak rocker still sat by the window. The gold-framed photo of their wedding day was still proudly displayed on the dresser. Remembering how the two elderly people had fussed over each other brought a smile to Hutch’s face. I’d always hoped that I would be that lucky. They were just so perfect for each other. So much love and respect between them. Never an unkind word spoken. Never an angry exchange. Just the love. Van never had a clue what love and respect even meant.

Hutch groaned aloud at the idea that he had actually at one time thought his marriage to Van could be the same as his grandparents’. Van and I, like my grandparents? No, just the opposite. No love, no respect. Just a lot of anger.

“Pain’s pretty bad, huh?” Starsky had heard the groan as he entered the room. The sadness on Hutch’s face couldn’t be due to just the physical pain he was in.

“It’s not that bad. This room just brought back so many memories.” Hutch’s eyes were dark with emotion, and his voice held a tinge of bitterness.

“Good memories, I hope.” Starsky set down the ice pack and other first-aid items.

“All the memories in this house are good. I guess it’s the regrets I have that cause the pain.”

“Don’t think about the regrets. Think about the happy memories you’ll make here in this house yourself. You spend way too much time dwelling on the things in the past that you can’t change. Best to think about the future and what you have to look forward to.” Starsky started to reach for the ice pack and then hesitated. “Maybe we should get you into something more comfortable than those jeans. I’ll go get you something else to put on.”

“Starsky, you don’t have to stick around here. Remember we agreed you’d go on back home today. Why don’t you go call about a flight?”

“You must’ve hit your head pretty hard if you think I’m leaving here now with you in the shape you’re in.”

Damn it! Hutch unbuttoned his shirt and then struggled to sit up enough to pull it off. He’s not going to be easy to get rid of now.

When he returned, Starsky paused in the doorway, watching as Hutch struggled with the shirt. “Here, let me help you.” Starsky slid the shirt down Hutch’s shoulders. “Oh, man, Hutch.” Starsky stared at the dark bruising that covered Hutch’s side.

Looking down to see what Starsky was staring at, Hutch muttered, “I guess that’s where I hit the ladder when I fell.”

“Hey, I’m sorry about that. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that while you were on the ladder.”

“Yeah, what was that all about?”

“I wanted us to talk. Damn it, Hutch, you know it drives me crazy when you refuse to talk to me. We need to talk about…well, about you being in love with me. We can’t ignore this.”

“I don’t want to go over it all again, Starsk. We each know where the other stands. The best thing for us to do is just forget what I said that night.” Hutch groaned softly as Starsky pulled a t-shirt over his head.

“I don’t agree.” Starsky picked up the pair of sweatpants he had placed on the bed. “Here, let’s get those jeans off.”

Hutch unzipped his jeans and lifted his hips, while Starsky tried to gently remove the jeans. The look on Hutch’s face let Starsky know his efforts to be gentle had not been successful. “Sorry.”

Once the sweatpants were in place, Starsky propped Hutch’s injured foot on a pillow and secured the ice pack around the ankle. “We’ll keep the ice on it for a while and then put this elastic bandage around it.”

“So, are you still in love with me?” Starsky was working on cleaning the gash on Hutch’s forehead. That’s it, just blurt it out.

Hutch pulled away from Starsky, sighing deeply. “I don’t know anything for sure anymore…but I think so.”

The misery revealed in Hutch’s face brought back all the guilt Starsky had been feeling the past week. “Hutch, I didn’t mean any of the things I said that night. I’m sorry for the way I acted. I just wasn’t expecting anything like that.” Starsky’s voice trailed off. “Really, I didn’t mean any of it.”

“It’s okay, Starsky.” Hutch closed his eyes, unable to look Starsky in the face. “I don’t blame you for reacting the way you did. I can handle it.”

“Well, I don’t think you’re handling it very well. Hell, I’m not even handling it.” Starsky stood up. “I’ll go get you some aspirin for the pain.” Okay, Hutch, you don’t want to talk. That’s fine with me, but little by little I’ll have my say.

After swallowing the aspirin, Hutch handed the glass of water back to Starsky. “Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it. Anything else you need?”

“No, I don’t need anything.”

“Okay, I’ll be back in a while to get rid of the ice pack and put the bandage on your ankle. You try and get some rest.”

“Thanks. Oh, and, Starsk. I am trying to handle it. Really.”

“How? By running away and refusing to talk about things?” Starsky left the room without giving Hutch a chance to reply.

Hutch shifted carefully, trying to find a position that his back didn’t balk at. What the hell is his problem? When did he become the injured party? Nobody asked him to come here. Even with his mind clouded with anger toward Starsky, Hutch couldn’t overlook the fact that Starsky, as always, was once again there for him. Why am I being so stubborn? Starsky came all the way here to try to fix things, and now I’m being the jerk.

* * *

“How you doing? Is the aspirin helping any?” Starsky sat down on the foot of the bed. “You want some more ice for that ankle or should I put the bandage on now?”

“I’m doing okay, Starsk. You can get rid of the ice and I can wrap the bandage around my ankle.”

“I’ll do it.” Starsky removed the icepack and set it aside and began wrapping the injured ankle. “I did a lot of thinking this past week.”

Hutch gave a soft laugh, “Me…I’ve been trying not to think.”

“Did it work?”

“Not really. But I keep trying.”

Starsky hated hearing the sadness in Hutch’s voice.

“Been kind of rough, huh?” Starsky’s tone was gentle, his gaze steady as he watched Hutch’s emotions play across his face. There’s a battle raging inside him.

“Yeah, it’s a little rough waking up one day realizing you feel differently about your best friend. Damn confusing, too. I’ve been trying to figure how and why this happened. I didn’t mean for it to happen. I never thought about something like this happening. Damn it, it wasn’t something I wanted to happen.” Hutch was suddenly overwhelmed by the torment of the past few weeks. “I’ve made such a mess of things. I’m so sorry.”

“You didn’t make a mess of anything. We’re still friends and we’re still partners.” Starsky moved up on the bed so he was now sitting next to Hutch. “Maybe our relationship is heading in a new direction and maybe it’s not. But I think we need to find out.”

“What’s with this sudden change in your attitude? And what do you mean ‘maybe our relationship is heading in a new direction’?”

“Like, I said, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. And I’ve realized that, maybe…well, maybe, you’re not the only one with some changing feelings.”

“Starsky, what are you saying?” Hutch stared in disbelief at his friend. “Great, now we’re both crazy?” Hutch made an attempt to get up from the bed, suddenly needing some space. Some fresh air. But the pain that flared through his back brought any movement to an abrupt halt. “Damn…”

“Take it easy. You’re in no shape to be moving around right now.” Starsky eased the blond back against the pillows. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“You didn’t exactly upset me, but you’re sure as hell adding to my confusion.” Hutch shook his head. “I don’t understand you at all. It sounds like you’ve made an abrupt turn around here. Care to explain?”

“Hey, buddy, you’re not the only one feeling confused. I thought I was in love with Dana. I even thought she might just be the one.” Now it was Starsky shaking his head. “I was probably just as shocked as she was when I ended our relationship.”

“You ended your relationship with Dana?” Hutch stared, complete surprise on his face.

“Yeah, she got a job that meant moving out of state.” Starsky took a deep breath and hesitated. “She didn’t think I would have a problem quitting my job and moving with her. And I shouldn’t have had a problem, but I realized that I couldn’t leave you. Seemed logical to me.” Starsky laughed softly. “But not to her. Then, I started thinking about our relationship–our partnership–and I realized maybe I wasn’t admitting the real reason for not leaving you. Not to her and not to myself.”

“Well, now that we’re both crazy, confused, or whatever you want to call it, you got any ideas on where we go from here, Einstein?”

“Me? I thought you were the brains in this partnership.” Starsky, feeling a bit relieved now that he had admitted his own confusion, flashed Hutch a warm smile. “At least that’s what you’ve always told me.”

“You picked a hell of a time to finally admit that, buddy.” Hutch found himself smiling for the first time in a long while. I haven’t lost my best friend.

“You know I can’t think on an empty stomach. It’s been a heck of a morning and it’s past lunchtime.” Starsky patted his growling stomach as he slid off the bed. “I sure hope you have something edible in that kitchen.”

Watching as Starsky practically bounced out of the room, Hutch suddenly felt better than he could remember feeling in a long time. It was as if a weight had been lifted off him. Even the pain in his ankle and back didn’t seem that bad anymore. No matter what direction this relationship takes, I know we’ll always be friends. Friends no matter what.

“I’m impressed, you actually had something in the refrigerator to make some pretty decent sandwiches.” Starsky entered the room carrying a tray with a plate of sandwiches and a couple of soft drinks.

“That’s a relief. I’d hate to have you starve.” Hutch’s whole face spread into a smile as he watched Starsky hungrily devour a sandwich. “I hope you made enough for both of us. I don’t want to starve either.”

“Don’t worry, I made plenty.” Starsky leaned back against the headboard and made himself comfortable.

The next fifteen minutes was spent eating, with occasional snatches of conversation. As Starsky gathered up the plates and glasses, he could see that Hutch looked like he could use a nap. “Hey, you look beat. Why don’t you get some sleep while I clean up in the kitchen?”

“I’m okay,” Hutch said, trying unsuccessfully to hold back a yawn.

“Even I know that falling off a ladder is hard work,” Starsky laughed. “Not to mention painful. Just close your eyes for a while. Trust me, I’ve had enough experience taking care of you to know what you need.”

Hearing no response by the time he got to the bedroom door, Starsky turned around to find the blond already asleep.

After cleaning up the kitchen, Starsky wandered around the house looking for something to occupy his time while Hutch slept. Wonder how Blondie’s been keeping busy? Nature boy that he is, he’s probably been outside hiking or something. Painting, he’s been outside painting. That’s it; I can start working on painting the barn. It’s my fault that he’s not able to finish what he started. Yep, it’s the least I can do.

* * *

Hutch awoke several hours later with an urgent need to use the bathroom. He quickly dismissed any thought of calling out for Starsky to assist him. Starsky has already gone above and beyond the call of duty taking care of all my needs when I was paralyzed. I should be able to take a pee on my own. All that’s wrong with me is a sprained ankle and sore back. Hutch slowly and painfully made his way to the bathroom. His task finished, he washed his hands and splashed some water on his face. Awful quiet, I wonder if Starsky decided to take a nap, too.

Slowly making his way to the kitchen, Hutch turned on the faucet, filling a glass with water. The medication the doctor had prescribed for him sat on the counter, reminding him that in all the excitement of the day he hadn’t remembered to take them. Swallowing the necessary pills, he nearly choked when he glanced out the window and spotted Starsky on the ladder, furiously slapping paint on the side of the barn. Choking and laughing at the same time, he pulled the door open and, wincing with each step, made his way out to the barn.

“Hutch what are you doing out of bed?” Starsky nearly fell getting off the ladder in his haste to get to Hutch.

“I think a better question might be what are you doing?” Hutch stared at his paint-spattered partner for a few seconds and then burst into laughter.

“What’s so damn funny?” Starsky was trying his best to sound indignant, but couldn’t quite pull it off as he, too, dissolved into a fit of uncontrollable laughter.

“I take it you haven’t had much experience painting. Starsky, the paint is supposed to go on the barn not on you.”

“It just took me a little while to get the hang of it. I’m doing fine now.”

Hutch looked at the barn and smiled. “Yeah, you’re doing fine. Thanks, Starsk. You didn’t have to do that.”

“I figured it the was the least I could do, since it’s kinda my fault you’re not able to do it yourself. Maybe we should sit down, huh?” Starsky put an arm around Hutch’s waist and began to help him toward the house.

“Maybe, I should sit down. You go wash up.”

“That’s an idea, too. And then I’ll fix some dinner and afterwards we can sit back and watch some TV. Hey, you got any popcorn in this place?”

“Starsky, you haven’t even had dinner yet and you’re already talking about popcorn.” Hutch once again smiled inwardly. Things seem almost normal. Whatever normal is for us.

 

Part Four

After they’d had dinner and Starsky finished the dishes, he decided to move the television from the living room into the downstairs bedroom that Hutch was using.

“Starsk, what are you doing?”

“We might as well be comfortable while we’re watching television. I know you won’t be one bit comfortable out here on the couch.”

Hutch watched as Starsky unplugged the television and headed toward the bedroom with it. Minutes later, Starsky returned.

“Your turn.”

“My turn? You’re certainly not saying you’re gonna carry me into the bedroom the way you did that television.”

“Relax, I’m only planning on giving you a helping hand. Not that I couldn’t carry you into the bedroom.” Starsky felt a warm flush spread over his face as he realized what he had just said.

Hutch chuckled softly, “Okay, partner, give me my helping hand.”

Once Starsky had Hutch settled in bed, with assorted pillows tucked around him and his foot propped on another pillow, he was off to the kitchen to make the promised popcorn.

Listening to Starsky clattering around out in the kitchen brought a smile to Hutch’s face. Seems just like old times. Could he really be in love with me, too? Could I be that lucky? But then again, just having him love me as a friend isn’t all bad either.

Starsky stood in the doorway, munching on hot buttered popcorn from the bowl he held in his hand. As he watched the unsuspecting blond, he was engulfed in a rush of emotions. It was as if looking at Hutch now suddenly took his breath away. He’s beautiful. I want to keep him safe and happy. Is this how Hutch suddenly found himself feeling one day?

“Are you just going to stand in the doorway and eat all the popcorn yourself?

“Huh?” Starsky was jolted back to reality. “Oh, sorry.”

“You looked like you were a million miles away. Anything wrong?” Hutch watched as a somewhat flustered looking Starsky made his way into the bedroom.

“Nope, nothing’s wrong. Just thinking.” Setting the bowl of popcorn on the bed next to Hutch, Starsky moved to the dresser where he had placed the TV and started changing channels. “You need a TV with a remote.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Hutch watched and waited patiently as Starsky kept up his constant switching of the channels. “Starsk, what are you looking for?”

Starsky shrugged, “I don’t know. Something we’ll both watch, I guess.”

“Starsky, just pick something you like and I’ll be happy to watch it. You’re driving me crazy with this constant channel changing.”

“Sorry. How about this?” Starsky stopped on an episode of “Hawaii Five-O.”

“That’s good, Starsky, maybe we can pick up a few pointers from McGarrett.”

“More likely, he could pick up a few from us, partner.” Starsky, still feeling a bit off balance, was trying to regain his usual composure. Leaning back against the headboard, Starsky tried to keep his mind on the TV but with little success. He found himself constantly sneaking peeks at Hutch, who amazingly seemed engrossed in the show.

“Hutch, you been feeling okay? I mean no more being sick to you stomach?” Starsky felt like he had a million questions to ask Hutch. Even though it had only been a little over a week since they had seen each other, suddenly, Starsky wanted to know everything that had been going on with Hutch during that time.

“Hutch?”

“Oh, sorry, what did you say?” Hutch pulled his attention away from the television show.

“I asked how you’ve been feeling. You’re not still getting sick to your stomach, are you?”

“No, I’m doing pretty good. Not sure if it’s the medication the doctor prescribed or just the fact that I’ve been eating better without you around.”

“Funny, real funny, Hutch.”

“Seriously, Starsky, the medication seems to be doing the trick.”

Hutch turned his attention back to the TV.

Starsky sat quietly, occasionally taking a handful of popcorn from the bowl that sat between them. I wonder if he’ll tell me about Sara. Does he have feelings for her? Without realizing it, Starsky sighed deeply.

“Now what?” Hutch asked as a commercial came on the screen.

“Can I ask you something sort of personal?”

“Personal? You’ve never asked permission before,” Hutch laughed.

“Yeah, I guess I haven’t,” Starsky chuckled softly. It’s just if our relationship is changing, I guess I’m not sure what’s allowed anymore and what’s not.”

“Starsky, our relationship is only going to change if you want it to. Got that? And if it does change…maybe change isn’t the right word. If it does go in another direction, I don’t see a whole lot of change. Other than maybe the obvious things.”

Blushing slightly, Starsky stammered a bit. “Now, I’ve got two personal questions for you.”

“Just ask, Starsky, just ask.”

“Well, I was wondering, have you ever thought about us…well, about us…doing it?” Starsky knew he was blushing but he couldn’t help it.

“As a matter of fact, I have. I mean that’s usually what happens when two people realize they’re in love.” Hutch started to stammer. “Does the thought of that still disgust you?”

“No. But I think I might be a little nervous about it.”

“Yeah, me, too. But before we even think about ‘doing it,’ you need to be sure it’s what you really want.”

“I’m sure about how I feel, Hutch. It sort of suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks.”

“Boy, do I know that feeling.” Hutch paused. “But even if you’re sure about your feelings, I think we should take things slow. What do you think?”

“Sounds like a good plan. This is all new to me.”

“Me, too, partner. Slow it is.” Hutch knew he had to have the stupidest grin on his face, but he just plain didn’t care. He feels the same way I do. He’s in love with me, too. “Hey, you mentioned two personal questions earlier. I’m ready, go ahead.”

“I kind of hate to bring this up, but I…I sort of need to know.” Starsky shifted uncomfortably. “I know it’s none of my business, but I can’t help but wonder.”

“Just spit it out, Starsky. Whatever it is, let’s get it over and done with.”

“You’re not gonna get mad are you?”

“How do I know?” Hutch shook his head. “But, no, I won’t get mad. Just ask.”

“Well, I just been wondering what your feelings are. I mean, if you have any feelings for that prostitute, Sara.”

Starsky watched as the color drained out of Hutch’s face. “Sara? You’ve been checking up on me again?”

“No, not checking up on you. I was looking for you. See, I knew you’d get mad.” He looks like he’s going to bolt from the room.

“It’s just that the subject of Sara’s not something I like to discuss. As a matter of fact, it…” Hutch paused and nervously ran his hands through his hair.

“It what, Hutch?”

“It makes me sick, that’s what. I can’t even imagine what you must think of me.” Hutch’s voice sounded hard and angry. “I mean, what the hell was I thinking? Was I even thinking? I’m no better than most of the scum we deal with every day.”

“Hutch, why do you do this to yourself?” Starsky hated to see Hutch once again beating himself up. That old Hutchinson guilt strikes again. Hutch was clearly getting himself worked up.

“I’m not doing anything to myself. Tell me I shouldn’t be disgusted with my own behavior. Better yet, tell me that you don’t find me disgusting when it comes to this mess.” Groaning loudly, he got to his feet. “God, I make myself sick.”

Looking at Hutch, Starsky didn’t doubt a bit that Hutch was feeling ill. He looked almost as bad as he had a couple of weeks ago. “Hutch, sit down. You shouldn’t be putting any weight on your ankle.” Reaching out, Starsky pulled Hutch back down onto the bed. “I’m telling you, it’s not that big a deal. A little surprising maybe, but not a big deal.”

Hutch allowed Starsky to settle him back against the pillows. “I couldn’t seem to help myself. I can’t explain it.” Starsky listened, thinking how it almost seemed as if Hutch were talking to himself. He seemed to have forgotten that Starsky was even there.

“I felt so empty inside, and it was like I needed something to fill that emptiness. Something, someone, I don’t know. And then there she was.” Hutch sighed heavily, his voice filled with anguish. “I didn’t go out looking for…I only planned on getting good and drunk so the pain would go away for a while. And then there she was. Next thing I knew, we were at her place. I did start to leave but…I didn’t. I told myself I wouldn’t see her again…but then I’d find myself back there. It was like I couldn’t help myself.”

“Hey, it’s okay.” Putting his arm around the blond, Starsky pulled him closer. Keeping his arm securely around his partner, Starsky quietly said, “The way I see it nobody got hurt here. I mean, you needed someone and so did she.”

“What do you mean, she needed someone?” Hutch was enjoying the feeling of security Starsky’s arms gave him.

“Come on, Hutch, Sara told me to tell you that she needs your help choosing some classes. Sounds like you’ve been doing some good work. She needed someone to help her get her life turned around. And who better than the White Knight? You’re doing something good. You can feel guilty all you want, but the lady thinks quite highly of you. So why don’t you just accept the fact that something good came out of it and be done with it?”

Ignoring the slight twinge in his back, Hutch raised himself up so he was looking down into Starsky’s compelling blue eyes. “Thanks. I think you actually made me feel better about my involvement with Sara. I do want to help her get her life back on track where it belongs. I’d like to think that more came out of this than just me getting some kind of perverted need filled.”

“Starting now, how about you let me take care of any perverted needs you might have?” Starsky’s voice was teasing as he smiled up at his partner. As their eyes met, Starsky reached up and stroked the face that looked down at him. And then, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, he touched his lips to Hutch’s in a gentle kiss.

The touch of Starsky’s lips on his sent shock waves through Hutch’s entire body, the gentle kiss became more urgent and demanding as all of Hutch’s pent up desire seemed to come alive. I’ve got to slow down. But he couldn’t control his urge to devour the mouth that tasted so sweet to him. How long have I waited for this?

Hutch reluctantly pulled away from Starsky. His heart was hammering, and he felt an aching need for another kiss.

“Hutch?” Starsky’s hoarse whisper broke the silence. “What’s wrong?” Starsky felt a tinge of fear. Is he realizing that he doesn’t want this after all?

“Nothing’s wrong, Starsk. But if we don’t slow down…let’s just say we’re going to have sort of a big problem here shortly.” Hutch struggled to bring his raging emotions under control. “We agreed to take it slow and I was so close to losing control.” Hutch closed his eyes and tried to slow his ragged breathing. I feel like a teenager about to do it for the first time.

As the full impact of what Hutch was referring to hit Starsky, his eyes moved to the growing bulge in Hutch’s sweatpants. The realization that, as a result of their kissing, Hutch had an erection that seemed to match his own sent such a tremor of desire through him, almost causing him to groan out loud.

“I think we might need a new plan.” Starsky shared an embarrassed grin with his friend.

Looking at the flustered man next to him, Hutch laughed softly, “Let me know what you come up with.”

“Me? I thought you’d have a plan.” Starsky was staring at the blond as if seeing him for the first time. “You’re beautiful, you know that?”

“Have you had your eyes checked lately?” Hutch had never understood the fuss some people made about his looks.

“My vision is just fine. The only problem I have right now is that I need another kiss.” Not waiting for any sort of reply from Hutch, Starsky’s mouth found the unresisting lips of his partner. His tongue slowly traced Hutch lips, and finding no opposition, he easily forced Hutch’s lips open with his thrusting tongue and began exploring the recesses of his mouth.

His emotions whirling and skidding, Hutch felt ready to short-circuit at any time. He had to think. Pulling away from Starsky, he caught his breath and said, “Starsk, you’re killing me. We need to slow this down or I’m not going to be able to stop.” Hutch’s voice trembled as he choked out the words. “We need to stop.”

A bewildered Starsky watched as Hutch left the bed and limped toward the door. “Hutch, where you going?”

“I’ll be right back. I just need some air.” Hutch turned and looked at Starsky. “I’m okay, Starsk. Nothing to worry about. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Nothing to worry about, huh? Why does the man have to think so much? Starsky got up and turned off the television. “Hawaii Five-O” had ended and the nightly news was now in progress. Sitting down on the end of the bed, Starsky pulled the popcorn bowl closer and took a handful. Munching on the popcorn, he tried to figure out what had happened. Things had been going so well. Kissing Hutch was just so damn good. And to think it wasn’t that long ago that the thought of something like that grossed me out. Now…now I don’t want to stop. I want to kiss him and never stop, and I want to feel his naked body underneath mine. I want to see Hutch out of control. Hell, I want to be the cause of him being out of control. Please don’t be having second thoughts, Hutch. Realizing that Hutch had been gone a while, Starsky picked up the bowl and went in search of his partner.

With no sign of Hutch in either the kitchen or living room, Starsky checked the bathroom and found it also empty. Remembering that Hutch had said he needed air, Starsky checked the back yard. But the beautiful summer night revealed no trace of Hutch.

That left only the upstairs. Quietly making his way up the faded carpeted stairs, Starsky headed for Hutch’s childhood bedroom. The bedroom door stood open, revealing the blond slowly rocking in his grandmother’s rocker, a lamp on the dresser casting a warm glow over the blond head. Starsky stood in the doorway; the scene before him, for some unknown reason, almost broke his heart. In that light he almost appears to have a halo. Hutch an angel? Starsky almost laughed out loud thinking what his partner’s reaction would be if he told him he looked like an angel.

Sensing Starsky’s presence, Hutch turned toward the door. “I was just getting ready to come back downstairs.”

“Hey, no hurry. I just wondered where you went. Just yell, when you’re ready and I’ll help you down the stairs.” Starsky turned to leave, but was stopped by the sound of Hutch’s voice.

“Can I ask you something, Starsk?”

“Sure.” Starsky came back into the room and sat down on the end of the bed. “Ask me anything.”

Hutch ceased rocking and sat quietly for a few seconds as if trying to find the right words.

“Hutch, you can ask me anything.”

“Starsky, I love you. I’m in love with you. But I’m worried about what will happen if this blows up in my face. I mean what happens if moving our relationship in this direction doesn’t work out? What happens to our friendship and our partnership? Should we risk it?”

” We’d be risking nothing.” Starsky’s tone was firm. “Absolutely nothing.”

“You really believe that?”

“Yep, I do.” You’re my best friend and partner. You’re closer to me than my own brother. Hell, I’d die for you. So, no, I don’t see anything ever screwing up our friendship.” Starsky had to smile at the sound of the small chuckle from blond. “Okay, poor choice of words, but I don’t see anything ruining our friendship.” Starsky got to his feet and moved around the room nervously. “You’re not having second thoughts, are you? I’m not.” Starsky now stood in front of Hutch who had remained sitting in the rocking chair. “Hutch?”

“Not second thoughts really. I love you; can’t change that. Don’t even think I would want to try and change it. I just want both of us to know exactly what we’re getting into and what we’ll be giving up.” Hutch slowly eased out of the rocking chair. “I don’t know about you, but it’s been a long day and I’m exhausted.”

“Yeah, it’s been quite a day. How’s your back doing? I’m really sorry about causing you to fall.”

“Starsk, we’ve been all through that. Forget it. It was an accident. My back’s already feeling better.”

“You’re not just saying that, are you?” Starsky watched as Hutch slowly and painfully made his way to the door.”

“Starsky, really, my back is feeling better. The ankle…now that’s another story.”

“And that’s exactly why you shouldn’t be walking around on it. Come on, we’re getting you back in bed with that foot propped up.”

“That sounds real good, but first I’m going to go take a nice hot shower.”

“You think that’s a good idea, Hutch?” Starsky didn’t like the idea of Hutch with his bad ankle slipping in the shower.

“It’s a great idea and I’ll manage just fine.”

Once back downstairs, Starsky paced outside the bathroom, waiting nervously for Hutch to finish his shower. If he falls and breaks his neck, I’ll kill him!

“Hey, Starsky, do you think you could quit your pacing out there long enough to run back upstairs and grab me something clean to put on?” Hutch had opened the bathroom door slightly and had been watching silently for a few seconds, as his partner had made repeated trips from one end of the short hall to the other. Back and forth. “You’re starting to make me dizzy.”

Turning toward the bathroom, Starsky found the sight of the tall blond standing in the doorway with nothing but a towel around his waist to be somewhat unsettling. Seeing Hutch without a shirt was nothing new. But wanting to reach out and run his hands over Hutch’s bare and still slightly wet chest was a new feeling. And the thought of what the towel was hiding… Tearing his eyes away from the tantalizing sight, Starsky rushed off to get the requested clothes, stumbling into the wall on his way.

“Starsky, there’s no hurry. Don’t kill yourself getting my clothes.” Running a towel over his still wet hair, Hutch wandered back into the bedroom and was quickly reminded of the warm and passionate kisses they had recently shared. It’s really happening. He feels the same way I do. So why do I suddenly feel like things are moving too fast? Maybe because I just want things to be so perfect. I don’t ever want to see Starsky regretting any of this. We both have to be sure this is what we want. Has he given any thought to what this would mean to our lives?

“Hey, what are you thinking about so hard?” Starsky tossed a t-shirt and briefs onto the bed.

“About the two of us.”

“I like the sound of that.”

Turning to look at his partner, Hutch said, “I like the sound of it, too. But, Starsk, have you really thought about what it will mean? We won’t be able to bring our relationship out in the open. We’ll have to hide it. And what about women? Are you sure you can give up women? Or don’t you plan on giving them up? Starsk, there’s so much more to this than just hopping into bed. So many things we have to consider.”

“Hutch, sit down and let me wrap that ankle back up.”

“Starsky, are you listening to me?” Hutch was fast becoming irritated.

“Yes, I’m listening to you. But I can’t discuss any of this with you standing there on an injured ankle. Not to mention the fact that you’re standing there in nothing but a towel and it’s very distracting. So if you’ll just get some clothes on and let me take care of your ankle, I’ll be happy to discuss anything you want.”

Hutch blushed a bright red as he glanced down at the towel that now hung rather precariously on his hips. “I didn’t think…I mean I didn’t realize. I’ll get dressed right now.” A flustered Hutch grabbed his briefs from the bed and, turning around, fumbled to get them on without losing the towel. Between the bad ankle and the bad back, the task was more than Hutch could accomplish. The towel slid to the floor in a heap, leaving Hutch with the briefs only half way up his backside. Uttering an embarrassed groan, Hutch quickly pulled the briefs snuggly up to his waist.

Starsky, who had thoroughly enjoyed the show, decided to show his appreciation by giving the star a loud round of applause and a couple of wolf whistles.

Now completely embarrassed, Hutch turned and glared at his partner. “I take it you enjoyed the show?”

“Yep, I sure did. And I must say, I never realized until tonight what a cute ass you have.” Starsky was enjoying himself so much he couldn’t keep the amusement from his voice.

“Cute? I have a cute ass?” Hutch was doing his best to sound offended, but was actually enjoying the back-and-forth lighthearted banter. It seemed like old times, except for the fact his ass had never before been the subject of their playful conversation. “Starsky, would you just go get the damned bandage and get my ankle taken care of? It’s been a long day.”

“You got it, partner. You just sit down on the bed on that cute ass of yours and I’ll be right back.” Giving the blond what he hoped was a lewd wink, he left to retrieve the bandage.

While Starsky was gone, Hutch managed to slip into a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt and then settled on the bed to wait for Starsky.

“You know it’s kind of funny that suddenly I’ve got the hots for you in a major, major way, and now you want to talk the subject to death.” Starsky finished wrapping Hutch’s ankle and placed it gently on a pillow. “There, how’s that?”

“You’ve got the hots for me? Sounds kind of weird, huh?” Hutch knew he was probably blushing again. This time because of the thoughts running through his own mind.

“Yeah, weird is right. Never in a million years did I think I’d be getting aroused at the sight of you in a towel. But you know what? I like it.” Starsky was now adjusting the pillows and getting Hutch settled. “I’ll be right back and then we can discuss all the things you think we need to deal with. But I still say you think too much. Me, I’m a man of action.”

Hutch watched as his friend left the room. Maybe I do think too much. But this is too important to not make sure we both know what we want. And I need to know if we both want the same things.

Out in the kitchen, Starsky grabbed a couple of soft drinks from the refrigerator. Knowing Hutch, this could one very long talk. And talking always makes me thirsty. Then noticing Hutch’s medications lined up on the counter, he snatched them up. Wonder if Hutch is remembering to take this stuff?

Tossing the pills on the bed next to Hutch, Starsky set Hutch’s soft drink on the night table next to him. “You remembering to take your medication?”

“Yes, Mom, I’m taking my medication.”

“Good.” Starsky settled himself on the bed next to Hutch. Still in his protective mode, he pulled the covers up around the blond. “Now let’s talk.”

“Okay, you start.” Hutch swallowed his pills and waited for Starsky to begin.

“You got it. I’ve been giving this a lot of thought. First off, Hutch, I think you should keep in mind that no guarantee comes with any relationship. You should know that from your marriage to Vanessa. But with us, no matter what happens, I know our friendship will survive. And, yes, I know we’ll sort of be living a lie from now on. But it’ll be worth it to me. I love you.” Starsky paused briefly glancing at his partner. “You with me so far, Blondie?”

“Yeah, I’m keeping up with you.”

“Good.” Now, as for your question concerning women. I’ll be totally honest with you. I can’t promise you won’t catch me looking at some great looking blonde or redhead. And I can’t promise I won’t ever be tempted. But I can promise you, I’ll always be honest and up front with you. And no matter what, you’ll always be my best friend.”

“You sound pretty sure of yourself. You’re not worried about our jobs?”

“Hutch, they’d have to prove something. I mean it’s not like we’re going to be doing it on Dobey’s desk for Pete’s sake. And anyway, everyone is already used to us spending a lot of time together. It might be necessary for us to keep up appearances when it comes to women. I mean we do have a certain reputation with the ladies. But I don’t think there’s going to be any noticeable difference in our lives that anyone will pick up on.”

“No, I guess not. As long as you don’t stare at my cute ass in front of any of our fellow officers.”

Starsky stared at Hutch, then burst out laughing. “I promise to show your ass the proper amount of respect while at work or in any other public place. But behind closed doors…well, let’s just say your ass is all mine.”

“You’re crazy. You know that, don’t you?”

“I’m not crazy. I’m in love. And you know what? The more I think about it, the more I think it was meant to be.” Starsky moved closer to the man next to him. “Think about it, Hutch, I think the only thing that’s ever been missing from our relationship is the sex.”

“Maybe, you’re right. I do know that you’ve been the most important person in my life for a long time now. I trust you completely. And the best thing is, I’ve always been able to just be me around you. You accept me for what I am and you’ve never tried to mold me into being something different.”

“That’s because I like you just the way you are.” Starsky lightly stroked Hutch’s hair, suddenly needing some physical contact with the man he was falling in love with. “There is one thing I want understood, though. No more running away. When things get tough, we can kind work through them together. Might not always be easy, but I know that together we can get through anything. Agreed?”

Hutch’s reply was soft and tired sounding, “Agreed.”

“You’re exhausted. I’ll get out of here and let you get some sleep.” Starsky’s attempt to move off the bed was halted by Hutch reaching out and pulling him back.

“Stay with me.”

“Gladly, partner.” Starsky leaned over and planted several gentle kisses across Hutch’s face. “Close your eyes and go to sleep. I’m not going anywhere.”

* * *

The next morning, Hutch woke to find Starsky snuggled tightly against him. He found the sound of the soft even breathing of his partner comforting. Somehow, waking up like this seemed so right. Like it was meant to be.

“What’re you thinking about so early this morning?” Starsky’s drowsy voice alerted Hutch to the fact that his partner was now awake and watching him.

“Nothing much. Just how it seems so nice and so right waking up next to you.” Hutch watched as a smile spread across Starsky’s face.

“I hope that means you’re ready to enjoy our new relationship and not spend so much time worrying about all the what ifs.”

“Yeah, I think that’s exactly what it means.”

Starsky laughed, “Good, I was beginning to worry about you. I mean, this whole thing was your idea. I was beginning to think you were going to change your mind.”

Pulling Hutch to him, Starsky pressed his mouth firmly to Hutch’s. Hutch hungrily responded, his tongue probing Starsky’s moist mouth. Knowing he would soon reach the point of no return, Starsky pulled back and gazed questioningly into the somewhat confused eyes of his partner. “I don’t want to stop. What about you?” Starsky’s voice was soft, but still held a hint of quiet determination. He held his breath, afraid that Hutch was going to get up and leave again.

Hutch’s only answer was his lips to beginning a long and delicious journey down Starsky’s neck. At the same time, his hands also began a journey of their own. Hutch didn’t want to miss an inch of Starsky’s body. His hands roamed down Starsky’s back, and then back to his chest. The faded t-shirt Starsky was wearing had become an unwanted obstacle, and Hutch quickly pulled it over Starsky’s head and tossed it onto the floor. Now his hands skimmed softly over the bare chest, pausing to gently caress the tiny nubs. Starsky uttered a soft groan and began his own slow thorough investigation of Hutch’s body, using both his hands and lips. “Damn, you’ve got way too many clothes on,” Starsky muttered as he yanked Hutch’s shirt over his head. Hearing Hutch wince, Starsky regretted his haste in removing Hutch’s shirt. “Sorry, buddy. Guess I’m getting a little carried away.”

“Don’t let me stop you.” Hutch’s voice shook as he fought to catch his breath.

“You feel so damn good.” Starsky’s hands had now wandered lower. Hesitating only briefly, he tugged at the sweat pants, anxious to get them out of the way. With Hutch’s assistance, they were soon added to the now growing pile of clothing on the floor.

“Fair’s fair, buddy.” Seconds later, as a result of another joint effort, Starsky’s pants had been removed. Starsky eagerly grasped Hutch’s firm, bare butt and pulled him tightly to him. Both men gasped as their bare skin connected for the first time.

Hutch almost lost it when he felt Starsky’s rapidly growing erection pressed tightly against his own now nearly rock hard flesh. “This is incredible. So damn, incredible.” The words came out in a hushed whisper.

Reaching down, Starsky took a firm hold of both their now throbbing erections, and began a slow easy stroking motion. Hutch groaned loudly, thrusting hard against Starsky’s hand, loving the feel of Starsky’s cock against his.

Starsky increased the tempo of the stroking. He knew they were both close to the edge. The highly aroused blond now arching uncontrollably against his hand was an extraordinary sight. Almost breathtaking. He’s responding to me. “Hutch, I love you.” Starsky barely got the words out before Hutch let out a deep, almost painful groan. Starsky felt the warm sticky outpouring flood his hand as Hutch’s body shuddered with his release. The sounds and feel of Hutch climaxing into his hand sent Starsky to his own shattering release. The only sound in the room for the next few seconds was the ragged breathing of the two men.

“I love you, babe. That was fantastic.” Breaking the silence, Starsky smoothed the damp blond hair off Hutch’s forehead. He couldn’t believe how something as simple as what they had just done could send such a rush of emotions flooding through him. I think I just made love for the first time.

“I’m speechless.” Hutch’s heart was still hammering in his chest. Seeing all the love that Starsky’s eyes reflected, Hutch felt relaxed and happier than he could ever remember feeling. “I love you too, Starsk.”

“Love sure is messy.” Starsky eased slowly away from Hutch, gazing down at the sticky mess. “I’ll get a towel and get us cleaned up.” Planting a kiss on Hutch’s sweaty shoulder, Starsky left the bed.

Returning, Starsky found Hutch still on the bed–unmoving, eyes closed with a trace of a grin on his face. “Feeling pretty good, huh?” Starsky tossed a warm wet washcloth onto the drying stickiness on Hutch’s stomach and began gently washing away the evidence of their lovemaking.

“Starsk, for some strange reason, I’m feeling the urge for a cigarette.”

“Must mean we were damn good, huh, partner?” Starsky had finished wiping them both off and sat looking down at his friend.

“It’s not like we did anything extraordinary. We didn’t really do much of anything. But it was good, damn good.”

“I don’t think it was what we did so much as the love we did it with.”

* * *

Breakfast was a joint effort. With plates piled high with eggs, bacon, pancakes and fruit, they ate ravenously. Conversation was almost non existent. Words didn’t seem to be needed. Frequent smiles were exchanged when their eyes would meet across the table.

Starsky, finally full, pushed his plate aside. He watched as the blond finished his last bite. “It’s nice to see you eating again.”

“Guess it’s the first time I’ve actually felt hungry in a while.” Hutch gathered up the plates from the table and placed them in the sink.

“Ankle feeling better?” Starsky asked as he watched his partner cross the room.

“Yes, it’s a lot better. Actually, Starsky, I’m a lot better.” Hutch turned to look at his partner. “I suddenly have this feeling of contentment. It’s like all my problems have disappeared. Life is worth living again, and I have a future to look forward to. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like this. Hell, it’s been so long, I can’t even remember when it was.”

Starsky had gotten up and now stood in front of Hutch. “Hutch, I’m so happy to hear you say you’re feeling like you have a future. You had me really worried there for a while. I thought I was going to lose you. You were so sick and depressed and seemed to have given up on everything. Welcome back, partner. I love you.”

“It’s all because of you, Starsky. You’re getting real good at saving me from myself lately. “It should’ve been enough that you got me walking again, but now you’ve given me a future I didn’t think I had.

Starsky pulled the blond into a hug. “I seem to recall you walking to save my butt. So I think you could say you gave me a future, too. Let’s just say we’re even, huh?”

“Sounds good to me. You know, I feel like we’re starting off with a clean slate. I want everything to be so perfect for us.”

“Hutch, let’s have another cup of coffee and talk for a minute.”

“Sure, Starsk.” Hutch took the cup of coffee that Starsky held out to him, sat back down at the table and waited expectantly for Starsky to say what he was feeling.

“Hutch, don’t insist on things being perfect. I think we both know by now that neither of us is perfect. And we don’t have to be perfect. We just need to be ourselves and just love each other. Don’t make things more difficult by setting some kind of standard that we have to live up to. That’s one of your biggest problems, buddy. You always think you have to be better than you are. That you’re somehow lacking.” Starsky paused as if looking for the right words. “Hutch, we’re not always going to find things easy. And if the wrong people find out about this, things could get kind of ugly.”

“Starsk, I know what you’re saying and I agree. I guess what I meant was I just want things to be the best we can make them. I want to protect us as much as possible from any of the inevitable ugliness.” Hutch reached across the table and gave Starsky’s hand a light squeeze. “I don’t want our love to be tarnished in any way by the outside world.”

Starsky returned the hand squeeze and smiled across the table. “We’ll just have to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

Taking the last swallow of his coffee, Starsky said, “I don’t know about you, but I have things to do today. That barn is not going to paint itself now, is it?”

“With two of us, we’ll have it done in no time.” Hutch got to his feet ready to head outside and get started.

“Whoa, only one of us is going to be doing any painting. Got that?” Starsky’s tone was firm.

“Starsk, I’m just fine. No reason, I can’t help you finish the painting.” Hutch’s voice was equally firm as he prepared to put up a fight.

“Sorry, Hutch. It was just yesterday that you tumbled off that ladder. I know you said your ankle and back are feeling better, but they’re still not a hundred percent, so no ladders and no painting today.” Seeing the familiar stubborn look in Hutch’s eyes, Starsky shook his head no. “Just humor me a little here, Hutch.”

* * *

Hutch spent the afternoon soaking up the late summer sun, reading magazines, and watching as Starsky happily slapped paint on the barn. By late afternoon, the barn stood in the fading sunlight with a fresh coat of paint.

“It looks great, Starsky.” Hutch smiled at Starsky who stood proudly admiring his work.

“It does, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, it does. Now how about we have some dinner and maybe turn in early?” Hutch gave Starsky an inviting grin and turned and headed toward the house.

* * *

The days passed quickly for the two. Repairs on the farm kept them busy during the day, and the nights were spent talking and loving each other. As if by unspoken agreement, the sex was kept limited to rubbing off against each other and a lot of mutual masturbation. It was a chance for them to learn about each other, their likes and dislikes. And both enjoyed the anticipation of postponing the more intimate things to come.

“Hey, Blondie, you awake?” Starsky had been awake for a while now, just listening to the soft sound of Hutch’s breathing.

“Barely. Why?” Hutch stretched and wiped the sleep from his eyes.

“I’ve been thinking.”

“You really shouldn’t do that so early in the morning, Starsk.”

“Seriously, Hutch, I’ve been thinking. And I’m glad that we’re taking things slow and not rushing into…well, I’m glad we’re not rushing into going all the way.” Starsky knew he was stammering and his face was probably about three shades of red.

“Are you blushing?” Hutch found the idea of Starsky embarrassed at, as he put it “going all the way,” a little humorous but endearing at the same time. “It’s okay. I’m glad we’re waiting, too. Waiting will just make it that much more special.”

“Hutch, are you at all nervous about it?”

“No, I’m not. Are you?”

“No, no not nervous. I just want it to be good for you.” Starsky snuggled closer to the blond. He was really enjoying waking up next to him every morning. “I’m not exactly experienced doing it with another man. Women have always been my expertise.”

As Starsky snuggled closer, Hutch kissed him softly on the forehead and then ruffled the dark curls. “I think we’re in the same boat here, Starsk. But we’re both pretty smart guys, so I’m sure we can figure it all out.”

“I guess if we can’t figure out where everything goes, there’s always books with pictures to show us.” Starsky laughed and pulled the pillow out from under Hutch’s head.

Hutch grabbed the pillow and shoved it back under his head. “You know you can be really annoying first thing in the morning.” Hutch’s attempt to sound mad failed. He was just too darn happy.

Totally ignoring Hutch’s weak attempt at playing angry, Starsky moved on to what he had been thinking about for several days now. “Hutch, you know I’m gonna have to be getting back to work next week. I’ve been kinda hoping that you were ready to come home and we could leave together.”

“I only see one thing wrong with that plan.”

“What’s that?”

“You hate my car.”

“Oh, yeah…your car. Your car actually made it all the way to Duluth?”

The surprise in Starsky’s voice made Hutch smile. “Yep, it made it all the way. And no problems at all.”

“Don’t suppose you’d consider leaving that garbage can on wheels here and flying home?”

“Not on your life, partner.”

“I was afraid of that.” Starsky shook his head and then smiled. “But I am glad to hear that you’re coming home.”

* * *

Starsky glanced at the clock on the wall to find only a minute had passed since the last time he had looked. This has to be the longest day in history. Actually, the whole week had seemed longer than usual. Going back to work on Monday without Hutch hadn’t been easy. Seems like I should be getting used to it by now. But the week’s almost over and Hutch is coming back in a few days. Hutch was spending his last week off helping Sara get enrolled in some classes. He had also helped her find a small apartment near the university, and the two of them were looking for some sort of part-time job for her. Sometimes I think the guy’s in the wrong line of work. He’s a regular Boy Scout.

Tossing the report he’d been working on, onto the pile of other completed reports, Starsky got up and wandered over to the water cooler. He glanced once again at the clock as he swallowed the last of his water. Tossing the cup into the trash, he sighed deeply. Will this day never end?

Starsky was anxious to get to the beach house. Hutch had called last night and told him to plan on having dinner at the beach house. He’d had plenty of dinners with Hutch, but somehow he knew this dinner would be extra special.

* * *

Hutch was humming as he moved around the beach house adding the finishing touches. He couldn’t wait for Starsky to see what he’d been up to. He’d spent a small fortune getting this place ready, but it would be worth it to see the look on Starsky’s face. Maybe they couldn’t openly live together, but they could still have a place to call their own. A place where they could come and shut out the rest of the world when they needed to. A place to get away from the hassles of their job and maybe a place to hide from new hassles if the change in their relationship was discovered. But I’m not going to ruin today even thinking about that.

Putting the finishing touches on the tossed salad, Hutch slid it into the refrigerator. Dinner would be ready just about the time Starsky arrived. Hutch had done some rearranging and now they could have their meals in front of the large window in the living room. Hutch loved the view of sand and water. It always brought him such a feeling of peace. But the new television and VCR would probably be the preferred view of his partner. Hutch smiled just thinking of Starsky’s reaction to the VCR. Like a little kid at Christmas. I can’t wait to see his face.

Hutch had taken a rather large sum of money out of a trust fund that his grandfather had set up for him. The trust fund had sat untouched for many years. But the time seemed right now to use some of it. Hutch had used part of it to pay for classes and books for Sara. The young girl had been reluctant at first to accept Hutch’s offer, but in the end his persistence had paid off and the classes and books had been paid for. Despite the rather strange circumstances of their relationship, both felt they had made a new, lifelong friend. A bond had been formed. Hutch had even begun to accept the fact that, despite the embarrassment he felt concerning his somewhat awkward liaison with Sara, they had both gotten something they needed from each other.

The rest of the money he had withdrawn had gone into things for the house. Starsky would love all the new stereo equipment and the TV and VCR. And Hutch had even replaced the somewhat worn and uncomfortable living room furniture. Two overstuffed chairs and a large and very comfortable looking sofa had been delivered yesterday. Hutch could just picture Starsky sprawled on the couch, remote in hand, having himself a great time.

Hutch had stocked the bathroom with new toothbrushes, razors and other various toiletries they might need. The bathroom closet was stacked with large fluffy bath towels. Two new bathrobes hung on the back of the bathroom door. I sure hope he doesn’t think I’ve totally lost my mind. If we’re going to spend any time here we’ll need these things.

Getting anxious for Starsky to arrive, Hutch slowly walked through the house. He wanted things to be perfect here. He wanted this house to feel like home to Starsky. Their home. Okay, maybe not perfect, but at least as nice as I can make it. Starsky’s right, part of my problem is I expect too much. Nothing’s ever perfect. I should have learned a long time ago that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. The important thing is the love, and we’ve had that for a long, long time.

“Boy, something sure smells good,” Starsky’s voice called out, as the back door slammed shut. “Hey, Hutch, where are you?” Starsky paused in the middle of the kitchen to breathe in the fragrant odors. Getting no answer from Hutch, he moved into the living room. His eyes were immediately drawn to the new entertainment center that seemed to have taken over the room. His mind barely registered the new sofa and chairs, he was so absorbed in taking a quick inventory of everything the entertainment center housed. His eyes lit up as he spotted the VCR.

“What do you think?” Hutch had been in the doorway watching as Starsky’s eyes had lit up like a kid on Christmas morning. He looks just like I thought he would.

“Did Santa come early? What’s going on, Hutch?” Starsky turned to look at his partner.

Hutch suddenly felt a bit embarrassed and a little silly for all he had done. “I…I just wanted to make this place nice…and sort of like a home for us.” Hutch stammered a bit. “And I wanted to do something nice for you. I don’t care what you say, I owe you. This past year alone, you’ve done so much for me. I would never have made it without you.”

Starsky watched as Hutch sank down on the sofa, his mind only now picking up on the new furniture. Quickly taking a seat next to the blond, Starsky slipped his arm around Hutch’s shoulders. “Hey, I certainly didn’t do anything this past year that you wouldn’t have done had things been reversed. And I didn’t do anything that I didn’t want to do. I’ve actually grown kind of fond of you through the years.” Starsky chuckled. Seriously, Hutch, as much as I love the great stuff you bought, you really didn’t need to go into debt just to get me something. All I really need is you.”

Turning Hutch’s head, Starsky found the lips he’d been wanting to kiss all day. He kissed him long and hard, and as he felt Hutch responding to him, he slid his tongue into the warm wet softness of Hutch’s mouth. The tremor that ran through Hutch’s body when their tongues met caused the arousal that was building in Starsky to leap into high gear. Starsky’s lips and tongue continued their passionate assault on Hutch’s mouth until both men felt like they were on the verge of losing their minds.

“Hutch,” Starsky mumbled into the blond’s mouth, as he slowly pulled away. “You think you could put whatever it is, that’s smelling so good out in the kitchen on hold for a while? I don’t think I could eat a thing right now. Well, except for maybe you,” Starsky murmured as he sank his teeth lightly into Hutch’s neck and then trailed slow provocative kisses along Hutch’s jaw and then down into the hallow of his neck.

“Starsk…I can’t think… Hell, I can’t even breathe, and you want me to do what in the kitchen?” Hutch was feeling as if every part of his body was being short-circuited.

“Just go shut the oven off and meet me in the bedroom.” Starsky unwillingly pulled away from the warmth of Hutch.

Already missing the closeness, and despite feeling completely off balance, Hutch managed to get to his feet. “Whose bedroom? Yours or mine?”

“Your room, it’s closer.” Starsky watched as Hutch made his way toward the kitchen on trembling legs. Starsky, his legs unsteady as well, headed for Hutch’s bedroom. I can’t believe how good this feels. I love him so much and I’m going to show him just how much. No holding back.

Entering the bedroom to find Starsky in the final stages of removing his clothes, Hutch stopped and watched. He found watching Starsky stripping off his clothing to be one of the most sensual experiences of his life. Hutch’s body was aching for Starsky’s touch. Their eyes met and each could see the love and passion that burned inside.

Starsky sat down on the end of the bed and motioned for Hutch to join him. Hutch’s heart was pounding so hard he was sure Starsky had to hear it. Standing at the foot of the bed, Hutch felt a shiver run down his spine as Starsky’s hand reached out and began to slowly unbutton his shirt. Once the shirt was unbuttoned, Starsky slid it down Hutch’s smooth, tan shoulders and let it fall to the floor. Running the palms of his hands down the naked chest elicited soft moans from both men. Then his fingers found the tiny nubs and began playing gently at first, then a bit harder. Feeling them harden from his touch, Starsky bent forward and slowly licked and then sucked the now rock hard buds.

“Starsk, you’re killing me.” Hutch’s knees felt as if they might give out at any second and the engorged flesh pressing firmly against his tight jeans was almost painful. Deciding he needed to take matters into his own hands, Hutch reached for the zipper of his pants only to have Starsky push his hand away.

“That’s my job, buddy.”

“I wouldn’t want to tell you how to do your job, Starsk…but just…do it.”

Starsky could hear the urgency in Hutch’s voice. “Getting a little impatient are we?”

Starsky’s tongue sent shivers throughout Hutch’s body, which only contributed to the problem he was having with his already trembling knees. “Starsk, please.”

Starsky’s hands went to work unzipping the tight jeans and yanking them down around Hutch’s ankles. Hutch now stood in front of Starsky with nothing but a pair of blue briefs and a throbbing erection. The sight of the bulge in Hutch’s underwear was nearly Starsky’s undoing. The roles had been reversed and now Starsky was the impatient one. He slid his hands into the waistband of the briefs, pushed them down and grasped Hutch’s ass with both hands, causing Hutch to moan with the sheer enjoyment of Starsky’s hands on him. “I think it’s about time you got in this bed with me and got down to business.” Starsky’s voice was filled with pent up passion. Pulling Hutch down, they both gasped when their naked bodies made contact.

“Starsk, let me get my pants and shoes off.”

“Hurry would you?”

Seconds later, Starsky greedily pulled Hutch down onto the bed. Neither of them could get enough of the other, as their hands roamed and stroked every inch of bare flesh. “Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think it could be this good. I can’t get enough of you.” Hutch could barely get the words out, as his mouth worked first one of Starsky’s nipples and then the other.

“Let me at you, babe.” Starsky quickly had Hutch on his back, and before he could even wonder what Starsky was up to, Hutch’s cock was engulfed in the warm moistness of Starsky’s loving mouth. As every inch of his throbbing cock was sucked and licked, Hutch could only moan out loud at the exquisite pleasure he was nearly drowning in. “Oh, Jesus, Starsk. So good, so damn good.”

Starsky’s hands had a firm grip on Hutch’s ass, as Hutch frantically thrust himself into Starsky’s mouth. “Oh, man, this is so incredible. Starsk, it’s never been this good before. Never.” Starsky thought he’d come just listening to the tortured sounds coming from Hutch’s mouth. “Starsky, I need to come. Ah, man.” Hutch’s breathing was ragged and labored.

Starsky kneaded the soft butt cheeks he still held firmly in his hands and then parted them slightly and let his index finger slowly tease the tight opening. All the while his finger was teasing the entrance to Hutch’s body, Hutch’s shaft continued it’s frantic thrusting into Starsky’s mouth. Sensing Hutch was on the edge needing only a slight push, Starsky slid the teasing index finger into the tight anus. Hutch screamed Starsky’s name loudly, shuddering and groaning in blissful agony as he climaxed harder than he could ever remember.

Starsky swallowed the warm rush of bitter fluid that flooded his mouth without a second thought. This was for Hutch. This was part of Hutch. Releasing Hutch’s now soft cock, Starsky pressed his lips to the warm flesh, “That was something else, buddy.”

“Starsk.” Hutch pulled Starsky up so he could see the face of the man who had just loved him so completely. “That was more than something else. I swear, I’ve never come so hard. Pulling Starsky in a warm embrace, Hutch knew he had never felt this content or happy in his entire life. Finding Starsky’s mouth, he caressed the soft lips with the tip of his tongue. “Your turn, babe.” Hutch could feel Starsky’s engorged flesh pressed against his thigh. “However you want it. Whatever you need.”

“God, Hutch, I love you so much. All I want is for you to hold me and let me do the rest.”

“You deserve more than that. So much more than that,” Hutch whispered softly as he stroked him from the neck down to his firm buttocks. “You feel so good. And you sure made me feel good.” Hutch cupped Starsky’s ass, as Starsky began a rocking motion against Hutch’s thigh. Feeling somewhat frustrated at not being able to do more for his lover, Hutch reached down and took Starsky’s rock hard shaft in his hand, fondling and stroking it until Starsky was panting and groaning his appreciation.

“You’re so beautiful, Starsk.” Hutch found the vision of an aroused Starsky to be one very intoxicating sight. He continued his stroking, increasing the tempo; he knew it wouldn’t be long now. The urge to take Starsky in his mouth became too much for Hutch. Releasing the throbbing organ he held in his hand, he slid down and took it deep into his mouth.

The emotions coursing through Hutch were almost as intense as the physical pleasure. Starsky’s cock in his mouth was such an incredibly intimate thing. Such an expression of his love for his partner. He found it almost as rewarding as when their roles had been reversed and it had been his cock in Starsky’s warm mouth. As he alternately sucked and licked the hot thrusting cock, he felt Starsky’s body tense with impending orgasm as he let out a long intense groan, and then Hutch felt the flood of warm semen fill his mouth. He swallowed it, almost savoring the taste. “I love you, Starsk.”

Starsky reached down and, with still trembling arms, pulled Hutch up into a tight embrace. “I love you, too.” Starsky brushed a strand of fine blond hair off Hutch’s forehead and then lightly touched the sweat dampened forehead with his lips. “Is it just me or do we seem to be getting better and better at this?”

“Well, you know what they say, practice makes perfect.” Hutch was enjoying the feeling of closeness. He had never felt more loved. “I’m looking forward to lots and lots of practice.”

Starsky loved the feel of Hutch in his arms, and he loved the sight of Hutch all flushed and satisfied. “You’re beautiful, you know that?” Starsky’s eyes roved over his partner, taking the time to appreciate every inch of the bare body that he held so snugly in his arms.

“As I’ve said before, you really need to get your eyes checked.”

“I’ll have you know that it hasn’t been that long since I had my eyes checked. And they were just fine.” Starsky slid his hands down his lover’s body, coming to rest on Hutch’s hip. “And my eyes tell me that you’ve gotten a bit on the skinny side. You’ve haven’t been taking very good care of yourself lately. That’s gonna change, right?”

“Yeah, Starsk, it’s going to change. My appetite’s back, so the few pounds I’ve lost will soon be back, and I’m going to start running again. Our lives will get back to normal. Well, maybe a bit better than normal.” Hutch grinned and then planted a kiss firmly on the furry chest of his partner. “I’ve never in my life felt this happy.”

“I’ve never been happier either, but…” Starsky sighed deeply, releasing his hold on Hutch. “I just wonder how we should handle things. I mean do we have to live the rest of lives hiding our true feelings for each other? I’m almost afraid people will know just by looking at me that I’m living some sort of lie. Like it’s engraved on my forehead or something.”

Hutch laughed softly and pushed soft auburn curls off his partner’s forehead. “Nope nothing engraved there. Seriously, though, Starsk, I don’t think we have a choice right now. We go on with our lives just like before, except now we sleep together. I mean we never were the kind who went into details of our sex lives with others. We’ve always spent a large majority of our free time together. I don’t think anyone will notice any difference in us. I think we’ll reach a point in our lives where we’ll be comfortable enough to share ‘our secret,’ as you call it, with a few close friends and maybe even our family. You know, people we trust. We have to think of our careers. That is, unless you’re ready to give up being a cop? Are you?”

“No, but I will If I have to. If it came down to a choice between you and being a cop, you’d win hands down, partner.”

“I’m happy to hear that.” Hutch snuggled closer to Starsky, his tongue finding an ear beneath the heavy curls.

“Hey, cut it out.” Starsky shivered helplessly as Hutch’s tongue explored his ear. “You’ve completely exhausted me, and I’ve had no dinner. I’m just about starving here. I need some nourishment before I can go another practice round.”

“So all I have to do is see that you get fed and then I can have my way with you again?”

“No, then I can have my way with you again.” Starsky laughed, then pulled Hutch into a tight hug. “I love you.”

“Yeah, I love you, too. Come on, I’ll feed you.”

While Hutch warmed up their dinner, Starsky took a quick shower. Drying off, he smiled seeing the two robes hanging on the back of the door. Looks like you thought of everything, partner. Razor, toothbrush, comb. Yep, you have everything covered.

“Smells great, Hutch.” Hutch turned to see his partner in the doorway wearing his new robe, dark curls still damp from his shower.

“And you look pretty good.” Hutch grinned as he watched a slight blush spread across the face of his friend turned lover.

“Now who needs their eyes checked?” Starsky shot back.

“So maybe we both need glasses. But you’d still look good to me.”

“Okay, enough on how good we both look, I need to know something. Hutch, you didn’t go into debt too far for all this did you?” Starsky motioned toward the living room indicating the entertainment center and new furniture. “I mean it’s really great and all, but you really didn’t need to do it.”

I know I didn’t have to. I wanted to do it. I want this place to be like our home. You know, a place for both of us. You know me; I’m happy just having my guitar and the beach. Thought maybe you’d enjoy the new TV and VCR.”

“Enjoy it? Hell, yeah, I’ll enjoy it. But remember, Hutch, I know how much money you earn.”

“Just thank Grandfather Hutchinson. This place and everything in it was paid for with money from the trust fund he left me.”

Starsky stared at Hutch for a moment, realizing he had forgotten about Hutch coming from a wealthy family. It wasn’t like Hutch lived like a wealthy man.

“Starsk, you don’t have a problem with that do you?” Hutch felt a slight wave of apprehension. I hope he doesn’t think I’m flaunting the fact that I have a trust fund.

Shaking his head, Starsky replied, “Nope, no problem. Guess it’s just as easy to love a rich man as a poor man. Of course, you do realize you’re stuck with a poor Starsky.”

Hutch shook his head sadly, “Yeah, just my luck to fall in love with a poor man. Tell you what, if you don’t let my money bother you, I won’t let your lack of it bother me.”

“You’ve got a deal,” Starsky laughed. “You gonna feed me now or what?

“Yeah, I’m going to feed you. Go sit down at the table, and I’ll even serve it to you.”

“Man, I could get real use to this kind of treatment,” Starsky chuckled as he sat down.

“Well, don’t.” Hutch placed a plate in front of Starsky and then gave him a playful hit along side his head.

“You know this is really nice, Hutch, having dinner here in front of the window.”

“You amaze me sometimes, Starsky. The window view was for me. I figured you’d be glued to the TV.”

“That’s what I meant, Hutch, it’s nice you have the window to look out of while I watch TV.”

Leaning down, Hutch pulled Starsky into a slow, thoughtful kiss. Releasing him, Hutch grinned. “Don’t ever change, partner.”

“I doubt you have to worry about that.” Starsky reached up and ran his fingers lightly though the blond hair. “You can stay the way you are, too. I love you just the way you are.”

Taking his seat Hutch leaned back, a smile on his face. “I think I’m going to like being more than friends.”

“That makes two of us.” Starsky smiled across the table.