My Only Guiding Star

A journey with Hutch through the episode Sweet Revenge.

I was experimenting with a different style of writing for this–trying to capture that state you find yourself in when your whole world seems to be turning upside down.

The title comes from a line in the song The Next Right Thing from the movie Frozen II where Anna sings about her only guiding star when it seems that her whole world has been ripped apart from her. Seriously if you’ve never heard the song, look it up on YouTube or somewhere because it is perfect in describing Hutch’s journey through the episode of Sweet Revenge.

“Starsky?”

Feet frozen in place. Can’t move. All that blood and I can’t move. People around me—help? Are they helping him? I can’t get my fucking feet to move. Until…ambulance. That’s good, right? An ambulance means he’s alive. Right? He’s alive and I need to be with him and my feet won’t move.

Hand on my arm—brown skin, steady voice. Captain Dobey. Ken, he’s calling me Ken. Not good—he’s added son. My feet move but his hand doesn’t leave my arm.

Can’t speak. Can’t move. Hear the sirens—ambulance—black and whites—Dobey’s.

Don’t die, Starsk. Don’t. Please don’t die. Didn’t tell you. Need to tell you but I can’t.

Bright lights and loud noises. Dobey still at my side. Sit down. Get up. Pace. Sit down when Captain Dobey puts an arm over my shoulders.

“Ken. Son.” His hands fold over mine—his hands are shaking or are mine? His eyes close. I think he’s praying. Is there a God? Where was He when Starsky was…No. Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t feel.

Time passes. Clock ticks. People swirl around me. No one comes to talk to us—is that good? Does that mean he’s still alive? You don’t operate on a dead man.

Cold. Hands shake. Shiver. Blanket over my shoulders. Quiet voices say my name. Ground me.

Alive. He’s alive. Critical and the doctor is frowning. He’s gonna die. Nothing I can do. Starsky is gonna die. Body can only withstand so much before it gives up.

There isn’t always hope, Huggy. Not always. Sometimes no matter what we do, we’re doomed. It’s too late. I never told him. Never let him know. And now he never will.

No. No one will have him before his time. Even if it’s…don’t feel. Don’t give in to emotion. You’re a Hutchinson.

So small. So…diminished. Reach out my hand but don’t touch. Hold myself together. Starsky, don’t die. I need to tell you. Words fail. Mouth dries. Helpless in the face of death.

Knife flash. Gunfire echo. Yell. Fear. Pain. Don’t give in. Don’t feel. Time to move. Time to find out who is responsible.

No! No! Car speeds. Run. Hit doors and run. Have to be there if he…no. Can’t. Too strong, Starsky. You’re too strong to give up. Please. Please.

He’s alive. Hanging in there and alive. Knees weak. Heart pounds. Glimpse of curly hair and bandages. Starsky, I love you. I want to kiss you senseless and worship your body. Please stay so I can tell you.

Blue eyes open. Smile. He’s awake. He’s awake! Look at me. See me. Joy. Joy. Happiness. Now there’s time. But he’s asleep again.

Gunther. Mission. Kill me, Gunther. You’ve tried to take the most important thing from my life. You’re a coward hiding behind what you think is your power. You have nothing. You are nothing. Cuffs on. Hand him over to others. Whispers of the Feds being involved. Doesn’t matter. I’m going back to my home.

He smiles. Blue eyes show pain. I’d take it from you if I could. Afraid to touch, afraid again. What if…what if you don’t feel the same? Sleep, Starsk. Sleep and rest and heal and come back.

I’m here. I’m here. Hold on. Squeeze tight. Let me feel your pain. Let me be with you. Let me in.

Hang on. Lean on me. You can do it. You can take a step. You did it! Another. And another. You’re doing it. Tired. Yes, you rest. Oh Starsk, if I could have taken those bullets for you I would have.

Rest. I know. I know you need to rest. No? Me? I’m fine. I’m here for you. One step, one breath, one moment. I’m here.

“I love you.” Words tumble out when he looks at me. “I love you.” Hold my breath.

Hands touch, lips meet, breath mingles.

“I love you, too.”

World rights. Light appears. Hand on my head. Sleep, my love, sleep my Hutch, I’ve got you.

And I can finally let go. Dark has a dawn again.