Pillanthropy

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Starsky learns the real meaning of the word Philanthropy – and he learns it the hard way. Hutch can’t help him with this one – or will he?

 

There is smutty talk, smutty banter and smutty fun between the boys.  In general a lot of smutty light relief from my other darker characters. Not Slash but below the waist entertainment.

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Chapter One

“Well how long have you had it for?”

“Dunno…hours I guess. Woke up with the damn thing. I tell ya’ Hutch it’s killin’ me. Ain’t never had one so bad before.”

“Seriously? That bad? Christ perhaps we should get you down to the Doc’s, see if we can get you in for a check over. Maybe you’re coming down with something, Starsky. ”

Hutch tried to give his partner an evaluating eye. It was almost impossible to gauge Starsky’s level of discomfort as he had a barometer that registered everything back to front. Intense sometimes-interminable pain was brushed off and gaping wounds never needed suturing in Starsky’s mind. But toothache, toenail ache, numb bum ache from long hours in stakeout cars, meant Hutch needed earplugs to block out the incessant whining. So if he was reading the Starsky pain barometer correctly, there was nothing to worry about with his partner’s health.

But just to be on the safe side he threw in another measurement tool.

“Hell and we’ve got tickets for that game tomorrow night.”

“Ha? Shit that’s right! The big game. Doc’s? Nah…and what? Sit around for an hour waitin’ to be seen just so he’ll stick something sharp and pointy in my rear and check another part of me that I prefer not to have checked. ‘Sides I ain’t gonna be missin’ that game. ”

Hutch rolled his eyes. Assessment complete. It was just a simple headache.

“Starsky. If you go there about a headache he’s hardly going to be examining your….well …..you know….your rear end.”

“And how would you know what he’s capable of huh? You don’t know how these medical people think! Guy has a headache so it must be connected to his ….well if not the rear end, maybe the other part that I don’t like getting prodded at by no guy.”

“Oh Brother! Well all I say is you can’t be suffering that much if you won’t consider seeing someone professional about the pain. How’s your appetite?”

“Terrible.”

“Terrible? Not hungry? Nauseated?” Hutch was starting to look concerned again.

“Terrible – coz I haven’t been able to please it. My appetite is unhappy, sad – in need of at least two chilidogs with the lot. Trouble is my freaking headache is stopping me from driving down to the corner to get two of Sal’s Specials of the Day.”

“Then your appetite is not terrible Starsky. It is perfectly normal and fine. Though come to think of it you might normally go for three, not just two.”

“How can you say my appetite is not terrible when it is crying out – crying out to be fed? But with this head…”

“Don’t look at me with that look Starsk.”

“What look?”

“The look that says go and pick me up two of Sal’s Specials with the lot and bring them back here for me with a soda and oh…a couple of donuts while you’re at it.”

“Jeez Hutch. That’s real kind of you – and good add on about the donuts. Now that you mention them the extra sugar could help.”

“Ok, I know when I’m sucked in. Stop looking like that with those puppy dog eyes. This is the last time this week you’re going to do this to me.”

“Thanks partner. You’ll be saving my life. You know we’ve got that meeting with the Relieving Captain this afternoon – got to be on my top form for that.”

Hutch was standing gathering keys and jacket.

“Shit yeah. Almost forgot. They want us to show our faces down at that community hall on Seventh where BCPD are hosting those new self defense classes for women don’t they?”

Starsky rubbed at his temples again.

“You’ve obviously forgotten Hutch. It’s not just our faces he wants us to show – Dobey wants our bodies too – well come to think of it I think that is why he really wants us there. For our bodies.”

He tried his best devilish Starsky eyebrow waggle but he stopped halfway with a grimace and another rub of his temples.

“Dobey wants us to show the new Captain what upstanding officers we are. He wants two busy undercover street cops to show the ladies some moves they can use to protect themselves. Ha! Someone should tell Dobey I’m a busy man with things to do. Like going home and climbing into bed with my headache.”

“Maybe you but not me partner.”

Starsky decided he’d be obtuse – he couldn’t miss the opportunity to get a smart call over his partner.

“Huh? I didn’t mean for you to climb into bed with me too Hutch – just me and my headache.”

That got him scowling.

Mark one up for Starsky!

“Not that you Moron! The defense stuff. I have no intention of getting thrown on some mat by some Amazonian woman with hairy legs and armpits. And if you – partner – don’t get something for that damn headache, you won’t be even going to the meeting.”

Starsky loved the Hutchinson finger even when it was pointing at him and even when he had a headache.

“Already had aspirin twice – no help.”

“Well I’ll get your chili dogs – maybe they’ll help – better not take any more aspirin just yet. Drink some water too, you never drink enough. Take that glass and go to the water fountain outside and fill it to the brim….or no chili dogs.”

“Yeah yeah ….go Mom. Get my dogs.”

oooOOOoooOOOooo

Water. He thinks it’s God’s answer to everything. Water and carrot juice. Hmm…and goat’s milk…yeuccckkkkk. How he drinks that shit I have no idea.

But he did as he was told and stood filling his glass obediently at the water fountain and wondered what was the world record anyway for the longest recorded headache? Would it be in the Guinness Book – he’d check that one up when his own record headache was finally gone.

Three of the squad room’s uniforms were gathered around the vending machine in deep discussion. They all looked enthralled and interested in the topic.

Hmmphhhh…Can’t be about work.

Starsky’s first thoughts were correct.

It was about their wives – not a subject he was inclined to join in with on. Besides his head was hurting too much to bother being sociable.

He sipped and caught the gist of their conversation. Wasn’t hard. They weren’t exactly being quiet about it after all.

“I tell you Joe, you have never seen anything like it – took a little while to work, but God when it did!” Mike was all smiles. He was shaking a small glass bottle with what looked like pills in it in front of Joe’s face.

“Good results hey?” Joe looked a little unsure.

“Incredible. The wife’s already asking me if I can get some more for her. Worried the supply might run out. ”

“You’re kidding me. That good?” Joe was interested now.

“Absolutely fucking great! She hasn’t had a single headache in weeks now. She’s a different person in fact. They are fantastic pills.”

“Yeah Joe.” It was Eddie, the third uniform talking now in agreement with Mike.

“It was exactly the same for my Shirl. Headache? Not a one. She’s never been fitter if you know what I mean. Should be written on the bottle. These little babies cure all headaches in record time and keep them away!”

Laughter all around and lots of back slapping between the three.

Jeez, those guy’s wives must surely have had some mother of all headaches to have them celebrating so much over how some pill had cured them.

Starsky sidled over to them and they all looked up from their cavorting, suddenly a little more serious.

“Starsky? Hey? Don’t look so good? Tie one on last night?”

“Nope. Wished I could say I did. ”

Starsky sidled a little closer.

“Mike heard you mentioning some pills that are great for headaches. Well right now I’ve got a doozy of a one and Hutch and me are s’possed to meet up with Dobey’s temporary fill in this afternoon. Need to shake it quick.”

The three men all looked at each other and back at Starsky then back at each other.

“Oh hey…yeah that new Captain…what’s his name? Stephens. Yeah Stephens, from over at the twelfth – you know the man, Starsky?”

“No, never met the guy.”

More glances between the three men. Some quickly smothered, knowing smiles – missed by Starsky who was eyeing off the bottle in Mike’s hand.

“And you want to try to shake that headache quick? So you might be interested in these pills – these pills our wives like for their headaches?”

Starsky raised his shoulders and looked just a little embarrassed.

“Well I mean – are they only pills for women? Like you said – made your wives’ headaches go away real quick? Maybe I shouldn’t take em’ – like if they’re ladies pills.”

He leaned in closer toward the men, lowering his voice now and looking up and down the corridor a little anxiously.

“You know – well – these pills are not like for ladies problems only are they? I mean – shit – I mean – jeez – its not like they’re gonna make me funny like? You know lady’s hormone stuff and that?”

He was getting himself tied in knots of worry now but the men quickly reassured him even though they seemed to think his concerns were hilarious. He watched them all doubled over in laughter.

Jeez – it’s not like it was that funny.

He was a little chagrined that they had discounted his fears about female hormone medication. After all he did keep up with current developments in fields that might impact on females and their sexual functioning.

Well, c’mon we all know that women do take pills for hormones and headaches and stuff like that.”

Of course they did. He read enough about it in reputable magazines like Cosmo.

“No Starsky! They’re not ladies pills. Not at all! ” Mike laughed and Eddie scowled at him.

“Good. Then if can you spare me one or two I’d be really grateful Mike. I really need to get rid of this freakin’ headache and aspirin haven’t worked.”

“Sure, Starsky. No problem. Here take three that will really get your spirits ‘up’.”

Mike shook them out of the bottle.

“Hey they’re blue. Why are they blue? Ain’t seen blue pain pills before.”

Mike faltered and looked at Eddie.

Eddie was fast. He wasn’t known as “Fast Eddie” in the squad room for nothing.

“Oh that’s why they’re so special. The Doc we both go to gets these imported from China. That’s why they look different to ours.”

“Huh you don’t say? China hey? Hah! Well as long as they’re not some weird herbal shit like Hutch is always takin’ coz I don’t reckon that stuff works.”

“Starsky believe us. These pills will work. They will definitely work and by this afternoon you will be feeling like a new man. Promise you. You’ll be firing on all cylinders and shooting for the stars.”

Mike added to Eddie’s imagery.

“That’s right Mike. Starsky’s health will be solid as a rock. You’ll be able to go on and on and on…with your renewed energy and ah…..no headache.”

Starsky thought they were getting a little over the top with their hopes for what a simple headache pill could achieve but he was grateful for the support.

“Well thanks guys. I’ll just settle for having no more headache and then go home to bed. Not so much concerned about shooting for the stars today. Just get this meeting over with this afternoon and crash out.”

Mike looked sympathetic.

“Yep you’ll need bed I’m sure. Best place to be after you take these pills – home to bed. But, well once that meeting with the new fill in Captain is over, guess you can do that.”

Mike handed Starsky a fresh glass of water.

“Here you go Starsky. Down the hatch.”

He swallowed the three pills and smiled at the men.

“Ok better get back to the desk so that Hutch thinks I’ve been doin’ somethin’ while he’s pickin’ up my lunch.”

“Yeah. Sure thing Starsky. We’re out of here too. Our shifts finished. Home to the wives hey boys?”

Eddie laughed. “Yep home to the wives with no headaches.”

Starsky wondered about the lame humor that men must lapse into once they were married. It was a bit tragic really. The guys actually thought they were cracking some big ones here just now.

But he smiled good-naturedly as if he too found the humor in the marital tedium.

Which he didn’t.

“OK…say hi to the wives for me then. I’ll let you guys know how the pills worked when I see you tomorrow. Ok?”

“Starsky – you won’t need to tell us – I’m sure you’ll be more than happy with the results.”

They all walked off and not for the first time while sharing time with the other squad room boys, Starsky was secretly pleased to still be able to call himself a bachelor.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo

Hutch watched as the third chilidog disappeared down his partner’s throat.

Starsky’s appetite never ceased to amaze him.

“Feeling any better since you’ve eaten?”

“Ummmnnnn…guess so.” He shook his head a little as if to test it and Hutch covered a smile. Only Starsky would rattle his head to check on the status of a headache.

” Yeah guess so. Some…But hard to say whether it is the food or the pills.”

Starsky was mumbling through the last mouthful as he sucked on the dregs of his soda.

“Pills? You had those aspirin hours ago. Couldn’t be them.”

“No the other pills. So busy chowing down since you brought – kindly brought –”

“Don’t grovel Starsky it doesn’t become you.”

“Well since you kindly brought me my lunch, that I forgot to mention to ya’. The guys – Mike and Eddie were leaving at end of shift and were also kind – yeah – kindly gave – Hey Hutch, having a headache is sorta good, everyone is kind to ya’. It’s sorta like people act like pilantropists ’round ya when ya’ not feelin’ too good.”

“Philanthropists, Starsky – and that’s not really how you use the word anyway. It’s an act for the betterment of mankind, it’s not just being nice to someone.”

“Well I like the word and I can use it how I like. Hey it’s a joke too. Hutch I made a joke – whatda’ call those things? I made a pun.”

“Starsky how the hell is using the word Philanthropy a pun – a pun for what?”

“See Mike and Eddie are Pill –anthropists… . Get it? It’s a pun.”

Hutch sighed, took a patient breath and wondered whether it was worth bothering with taking this conversation further. Starsky tangential thinking processes were kicking in now that his carb load was up.

“No – I don’t get it. Not at all. Tell me why they are Pill – anthropists Starsky, I’d love to know.”

It clicked then. Eventually he could catch up his partner’s crazy trains of thought.

“Ah – so I see. Pills. They gave you some painkillers for your headache? Starsky, you shouldn’t mix your meds you should know that.”

Starsky frowned. Trust Hutch to be annoyingly sensible. Sometimes he just wished his careful partner would walk a little more on the wild side. Or at least allow him to. Even headache pills were up for censoring.

Jeez what could a coupla’ little pills do anyway?

That sentence stayed in his head because he realized Hutch would waste no time in telling all the things that little pills could do to him.

Hutch was like that.

A worrier. Sometimes Starsky wondered if his partner was born worried. Did he have the little crease between his eyebrows when he was in his diapers?

Probably.

“Well Mike reckoned they were like super pills. You know. For headaches. His wife and Eddie’s wife think they’re real great. So I thought I’d give them a go.”

“No such thing as a super pill Starsk – least not one you buy over the counter from the drugstore. Nothing legal that is – that you can get without prescription.”

“Yeah, but these ones are from China – special like.”

Hutch snorted so loudly he sprayed his coffee across the desk and Starsky flicked it off his sleeve without complaint.

“China! Oh that makes all the difference then. Special ones? From China? God Starsky! They gave you some herbal shit no doubt.”

Too late Hutch realized his mistake and tried to cover it. He stood up quickly and started gathering up the lunch wrappers.

“Herbal what? Herbal what? Did you just say shit Hutch? Did you just use the word herbal and shit together? You did! The great cure for everything according to Hutchinson – herbal remedies. Why you big phony!”

“Now wait a minute. There’s herbal remedies and there’s herbal shit – they’re not the same Starsky.”

He coughed loudly and stood up.

“Look I’m going to the john and then we’d better head off. Dobey wants us at this center for the defense class and meet with. …What’s his name…Stephens – by two pm? You about ready?”

“Ready? What’s to get ready? Yeah I guess I am feelin’ better. Mike’s right. I’ve already got some new energy flowing through my veins. Can sorta feel it I guess.”

He shuffled a little on his chair and stretched out his leg, shuffled a little more than stood up and pulled at his jeans that lay snug across his hips.

“Shouldn’t have had those chilidogs so close together. Now my jeans are cuttin’ me in half. ”

“You’re either starving to death or fit to burst. Can’t you find a happy medium with your food intake?”

As they both headed out of the squad room doors Starsky would have agreed with Hutch’s opinion that he tended to overdo it with the food and that often, yes he did end up with a stomach fit to burst.

He was just a little confused as to why chilidogs and a soda should be making his crotch feel tight and swollen and not his gut?

 

Chapter Two

“Anytime soon that you’re ready to unlock the car is good for me Starsky.”

It wasn’t like Starsky to be dragging the chain, he was usually the first one in the car with the engine gunned waiting for Hutch to climb in beside him. Maybe he really was unwell. It was not hard to see that he was walking at a pace far slower than normal and his posture was a little strange.

“Hey Buddy, your head still giving you grief?”

He watched as his partner climbed gingerly into the car, his face a little contorted as he squirmed uncomfortably.

“Shit Starsky maybe something really is wrong. This seems to be more than just a headache.”

Not only that, but Starsky had a worried and perplexed look on his face.

“That’s the strange thing Hutch. My headache’s almost gone completely. Guess the pills really did help – or the food. But…ahhh…yeah…I don’t feel …well…. something’s not normal that’s for sure.”

The squirming increased and he pulled at the leg of his jeans.

“What do you mean not normal? Have you got pain elsewhere now too?”

“You could say that. Hey, maybe the pains moved from my head to….”

He looked down.

Hutch followed the direction of his partner’s gaze with his own eyes. They settled on the object that was holding Starsky’s confused look, widened then snapped back to Starsky’s face.

“What the -? You’ve got a hard on. No wonder you were walking like a ninety year old. A hard on in the middle of the day on the way to meet the new Captain! Jesus Starsky what the hell is causing this? You know something about this new Captain I don’t? Should have shared it buddy. Is it a she? Built? Gorgeous? Hell maybe we won’t want Dobey back after his leave is over.”

Starsky cringed uncomfortably as Hutch’s elbow jabbed him in the ribs.

“Owww! Take it easy will ya’? Sudden movement is not good for… it.”

“So?”

“So what?”

“Spill it – the lowdown on this new foxy Captain. Bet you heard it from the guys. Mike and Eddie know the Captain from their time over at the Twelfth Precinct. Now it figures. They were laughing about it yesterday and said we were all in for a surprise when the new boss started. Funny though, they didn’t mention it was a she.”

“Don’t have any lowdown on the new Cap’n. Know nothin’ about him or her. This – this – ” he pointed lamely at his crotch.

“Just decided to show up by itself.”

“Well partner one thing for sure is that you’re feeling better. Another thing for sure is that you’d better get rid of that before we go meet Dobey and Stephens and – a roomful of women who want to protect themselves from the very thing that is right now filling your jeans.”

“Oh very funny Hutchinson. Wipe the grin off your face. Let’s get there. You can cover for me while I get inside and deal with this…problem.. in the john.”

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo

“What? Why are we stopping here, Starsky? We’re already going to be late. ”

“Can’t – can’t drive no more Hutch. You’re gonna have to take over. This is terrible. I’m gonna burst open here.”

“Oh God! Enough with the details please. It’s just a hard on after all. Since when can’t you drive with a hard on? Not like you haven’t done that before.”

“But Hutch this is no ordinary hard on – I am in freakin’ pain here. Every movement hurts. Here let me move….ah….over ….you come here and….”

“Starsky! What the hell? Just get out and walk around will you. You’re damn leg is caught – look – out Starsky! ”

“I’m not getting out of this car and walking around. There’re people out there on the sidewalk and I can’t walk anyway. Oh God this is getting worse. Here let me move under you – Owww- shit ….get your ass off my…..not there…don’t put pressure there…Hutch…that’s torture.”

“Christ Starsky control yourself will you. People are looking at us and you’re making us look like idiots.”

“I can’t help it Hutch. Nearly, just move your leg a bit more – yeah that’s it. Shit! Ok. Right.”

He blew out through clenched teeth.

“God just hurry up and drive Hutch. I need to get to a john and fast.”

“Ok, just waiting for a break in the traffic and then- STARSKY! You can’t do that here.”

“I’m only lowerin’ my zip to take some of the pressure off. I’m not gonna yank off here …Jeez Hutch, whatda’ ya take me for? Just drive will ya’?”

“Those people back there probably thought you were going to do it right there in their full view.”

“Don’t keep lookin’ at it.”

“It’s damn hard not to look at now you’ve virtually undone yourself. What did you do that for? Now you’ll never get that zip back up with the size of that thing. Starsky no wonder you had a headache this morning? How long since you’ve….? I thought you and that little number whatshername? The one from the travel agency we met?”

“Suzy, and yeah we did. Three times in fact. But that’s was two nights ago? Well technically one night ago, if you count the fourth time in the morning before she left.”

“Shit never knew you had to clean your pipes every day Buddy. You mean to tell me that’s” he gestured at the sizeable bulge with his hand ” Normal for missing one day. Hell Starsky! And I thought I knew everything about you, but I guess there are a few things I still don’t know.”

“Stop grinning will you. You know damn well this is not normal. How many times have you seen me with a woody in the middle of the day at work?”

“Oh now that is an incriminating question – incriminating for you partner, because you know I have.”

“Ok, ok…but not like this. I can’t even begin to control it. It’s …Hutch its like it’s got a mind of its own.”

“Now what are you doing?”

Hutch scowled as he slowed the Torino to a stop at the red light.

“What’s it look like. Reclining the freakin’ seat. Glad I changed that bench seat to buckets, God that’s better… oh yeah…”

“You can’t lie back like that with your jeans undone and a massive erection while I’m driving.”

“Why the hell not? If I don’t , I’ll cut off the blood supply to my dick and balls. Just don’t look.”

“Starsky it’s not me looking you should be worried about, its that’s big burly driver in that truck in the next lane who’s looking down at you. In fact he’s having a great time – and so is the guy next to him who’s now looking over too.”

“Shit! Shit!” He yelped and twisted to look up toward where Hutch was looking and smiling smugly.

“Drive! Hutch drive. Oh My God he’s perving at me Hutch, he’s –”

“Can’t very well drive through a red – especially when I have a passenger splayed out on the seat with his dick displayed to the whole world – his very hard, erect dick. What would the black and white behind us say do you think? When they pull us over at the next block? Maybe we could say we were running for a call out, but then….hmmm…they’d see that…and well…within hours everyone in the precinct would know.”

“No! There’s not, tell me there’s not. I can’t move to get up and see, Hutch.”

Starsky quickly lost concern for the truck drivers with the fresh fear of cops behind them.

Hutch looked with false concern into the rear vision mirror. It was no black and white but a private car, but he just couldn’t resist. Besides the result, the stricken look on his partner’s face was just so worth it. Maybe there was a little more mileage in it yet. As he accelerated slowly from the intersection he pretended to ponder the faces in the mirror.

“Hey? Is that – ? Yeah, thought so. Gibbons and Frazer. Hell, wonder if they’re heading to the meeting too?”

“Oh Christ Hutch! What if they come up to us when we park out front of the Community Centre? Hutch it’s only up here about half a mile. You’re gonna have to go around the block. Wait for ’em to go inside.”

He was groaning now, one hand on his face in mortification, the other pulling frantically at his jean leg trying to ease the pressure from the pull of the denim.

“No, no – phew! Looks like they’re headed elsewhere. Turned at that last corner. Shit that was close Starsky. ”

“Thank God. That would’ve been t’rrific – I’d be the laughing stock of the squad room.”

Hutch felt a little guilty. He’d come clean over a beer later.

“Ok. This is it. No damn parks outside. Must be one hell of a crowd inside.”

“T’rrific, just what I need. Crowds of desperate women hoping to wrestle with a cop. Hutch you can’t park way down here, ya’ need to get closer.”

“And where do you suggest we park buddy?”

“Double park for Christ’s sake. We’re the freakin’ police. We can do what we want! ”

“Oh Starsky, you know we can’t do that. What would the new Captain think of us?”

“I don’t give a shit what the new Captain thinks! I can’t walk like this and can’t risk being seen like this. Hutch what am I gonna do here? I can’t even ram it back in now. Can’t get the zip up at all. Hutch it’s seriously like a rock. I’m not kiddin’ ya’ – my dick is a fuckin’ rock.”

“Well what do want me to do about it buddy? Hardly something I’m prepared to help you with – it’s in your hands now.”

The laugh was all it took to have Starsky’s face suffusing with anger.

“Very funny. Verrrrrry funny, smart ass.”

He reached over to adjust the lever for the seat incline and grunted with the effort of twisting to get the seat back upright.

“So this is as close as I can get to the entrance. Starsky, you’re going to have to take your jacket off and cover it somehow. Don’t worry about your harness. That jacket has more important things to hide right now. That’s if it’s big enough…”

Leaning forward Starsky struggled to shrug out of his jacket and between the two of them they eventually got his arms out and fought ferociously with the cracking leather until his upper body was entirely free. Starsky was panting with the exertion.

“I can’t even move my arms properly or think. Hutch – I think all my blood has gone to my dick. My head feels really light. Something’s really wrong. Hutch you don’t think I ‘ve got one of them surgical emergency things goin’ on down there do you? I’m gettin’ pretty worried here .”

“What sort of surgical emergency are you talking about Starsky?”

Hutch stopped. He turned his head and looked down again at the ramrod hard on projecting out of the top of the partially unzipped jeans. He looked at Starsky face, he looked back at his crotch and he rubbed his eyes.

It all clicked for him.

“Well I’ve seen photos of guys with big swollen balls and – oh no! My balls, let me look….”

“Starsky.”

“Just gotta lift up a bit and push this …..aside…a bit….and then…”

“Starsky.”

“Hmmmmnnn…can’t quite see ’em….just ….ow! Can’t even move it – so damn hard, feels like its gonna snap off. No they look ok…..”

“Starsky. What color were those pills the guys gave you at lunchtime?”

“They don’t really look like they’re got no blood supply or nothin’. They don’t really look like they’re – ”

“The pills Starsky. What color were those pills you took?”

“Blue. Nah can’t say they look what you’d call blue.”

He turned now and realized that Hutch was waiting for an answer to a question, which he hadn’t really concentrated on enough to hear.

“Blue? Blue Starsky?”

“Yeah, my balls. They’re not blue.”

“Not your balls you idiot. The pills. The pills! What did they look like? What color were they?”

“Blue.”

“Your balls?”

“No the pills.”

“Oh, for crying out loud. Forget your balls.”

“Hard to forget when they feel like cement.”

“Shut the fuck up for a moment will you! What – color – were – the – pills- that you took at lunch time. That Mike gave you for your headache?”

“Oh them. Why didn’t ya just ask? Don’t have to get all shitty on me. I’m sufferin’ enough here. They were blue. Little blue pills from China.”

“And they had these pills because?”

“Well because they’re real good for headaches.”

“So Mike has headaches?”

“Dunno ’bout Mike, but his wife sure has ’em, so does Eddie’s. They were talking about the pills curin’ their wives headaches real fast. They were tellin’ Joe ’bout the pills. Maybe his wife had headaches too.”

Hutch’s brow raised and his mouth did that strange thing Starsky always noted he did with his mouth when he looked like he had just worked something out.

“Oh Starsky.”

“What? You agree now Hutch? It’s bad isn’t it? Perhaps this is one of them surgical emergencies.”

“The pills they gave you –”

“Yeah the little blue ones.”

“Have caused what is between your legs Starsky.”

“Huh?”

“Starsk. How many did you say you had again?”

“Three.”

He choked on the word and his voice was suddenly squeaky. Maybe his balls were being squeezed to death after all.

“Three? You had three. Why would you have three? No, don’t answer that. I know why. Because –”

“Mike gave me three” “Mike gave you three”

The unison of their words said at exactly the same time had them both locking eyes in shocked surprise.

“Hutch? ”

“Well at least we know you’re not just some oversexed guy who needs a few screws everyday of the week.”

“I’m not?”

“Nope. You’re just some dumb smuck who fell for typical boys in the squad room toilet humor. Admittedly pretty harsh humor.”

“Not makin’ sense here Hutch and my dick is getting sorer by the moment.”

“Starsky I know you read Cosmos? The fresh copies that keep getting put out in the reception area keep disappearing. I think they’ll all be found in your desk drawer or bedside table at home.”

“Hey I take ’em back as soon as I’ve read them.”

“So when you read these Cosmos – and other literary masterpieces, have you read about the emerging magic drug for older men who can no longer get it up?”

“Huh?”

“Viagra* – Viagra Starsky. I’m fairly sure the pills that Mike gave you were Viagra. That means Starsk – that hard on there is not going anywhere fast so you had better get used to its company.”

 

Chapter Three

“Viagra!”

Starsky squealed the word out in shocked dismay. That was a second before his shock gave way to anger.

His face took on a dark edge. Not happy, thought Hutch.

“Not happy here Hutch. This is no time to mess with me and I don’t like ya’ sense of humor while I’m sittin’ here with the world’s biggest hard on and about to go into a meetin’ with two Captains and a bunch of crazy women. ”

“Think about it Starsky. Simple deduction. You are a detective right? Cause and effect.”

“Yeah cause and effect. You’re right there buddy. You take the piss out of me and I lunge across and smack you one in the jaw. Well I will as soon as I can move again. Viagra! What the hell? Only old men take that stuff and why would Mike and Eddie give me that shit?”

“Oh Starsk. Come on! They’re probably all down at the bar right now laying bets on how long that… thing… is going to stay pointing north.”

They both looked down at the “thing” that was certainly still pointing north and showed no sign of changing its compass points.

“But the pills….the headache pills…..?”

He was looking doubtful now and just a little green.

“Headaches Starsky. Their wives’ ‘ headaches’. It’s a euphemism.”

“A youforwhat? Christ will you stop with those big Hutchinson show off words. Hard enough to think properly when there’s no blood in my head as it is. What the shit are you talking about?”

“You know what Starsky? A conversation with you can get pretty damn exhausting. You need to read more than just car and porno mags and then you might just extend your vocabulary to include words and terms other than about engines and tits.”

“And if you learned to speak normally and not in words of more than ten syllables you might find you have more conversations coz people can actually understand what ya’ sayin!”

“Ok…..let me try to explain this in veeerrrryyyy simple terms for you. Women use the term “headache” when they actually mean they just don’t want sex. There, is that simple enough for you dummy?”

“Well that is just plain stupid. No woman has ever said to me that she has a headache.”

“Yeah but you’re not married Starsky and you in particular change your bed partners like you change your underwear. They don’t get a chance to get sick of having sex with you. Wait till you’ve been married for more than two years….no make that one.”

Hutch looked a little reflective, a little bitter.

Starsky knew who he was thinking about but he was too hurt himself by Hutch’s comments to feel any sympathy for the way Hutch’s ex had treated him.

“So you have experience in this area with headaches and women Hutch? You mean you bore the shit out of women in bed?”

“Look shut up will you. I’m talking in general terms here. We’ve got to get inside to this meeting. Just listen to me. The pills – Viagra, mean that the guys can sustain their erections and well….um…well you know….have a lot longer to pleasure their wives’ needs, their sexual needs. Mike and Eddie probably normally have a couple of thrusts and roll off their wives and are snoring within minutes.

They both took the time to grimace at the unsavory mental picture of the more than portly Mike, rolling around on the marital bed.

“Somehow they’ve gotten their hands on the new wonder drug for sex that keeps on giving – mainly to their wives. Presto! Suddenly Mike and Eddie’s wives like their husbands’ new found ability to keep them happy for more then two minutes. So – no more headaches – not when they can have all night with a dick that never deflates no matter how many times they use it. The wives that is…”

Starsky was secretly impressed with Hutch’s knowledge of bedroom politics. Maybe he had read more advanced literature on the subject than Starsky was able to discern from his secret stash of Cosmopolitans. He made a mental note to check under Hutch’s bed next time he was in his apartment.

“You’ve somehow walked into their dirty little sex gossip session and they found a perfect way to set you up for some fun. They did not give you headache pills Starsky. They gave you – THREE – Viagra pills. ”

“Oh Christ Hutch. Oh Christ! Are you really sure about this?”

“Sorry buddy, but its pretty obvious. Just look down between your legs. Have you ever been that hard and errr…that…..err….enlarged before?”

“Oh Man….Hutch how could I be so dumb?”

I ask myself that same question about you every day. Several times a day in fact.

“Don’t even start me on that one Starsky.”

“Those bastards! What a low trick. I’m gonna kill those assholes.”

“Worry about that later. We’re late and you’ve got a problem that needs immediate attention. Let’s go. I’ll cover for you . I’ll head straight for the class and Dobey and Stephens. You head straight for the John, do what you have to do and get back to us. And don’t stint on it. You really need to work that …that… Look just give it a good belting ok Starsky? ”

“Thank God, once I get to thwack this rock a few times it’ll all be better.”

“Errr….Starsky. You really do need to read those Cosmos more closely.”

“Huh?”

“It’ll take more than one session in the John to keep that piece of granite down.”

“You’re shittin’ me?”

“Nope. Remember what I said. Happy wives because of long, long sessions of hard, hard lovemaking. Well hard dicks anyway.”

“T’rrific. Just terrific.”

He staggered painfully from the car.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo

The first thing that hit Hutch when he entered the large auditorium was the buzzing sound of giggling, chatting women. The second thing was the sight of so many of them, all attired in yoga pants, cropped tops and leg warmers. The third thing that hit him was how all of this was going to hit Starsky when he came in here after completing Round One of the Battle with Lil’ Starsky in the John.

“Oh shit…”

“Hutchinson! You say something?”

His big black sweat adorned captain eyed him from his place near the podium. He was standing next to a man unfamiliar to Hutch and who was obviously the mystery relieving captain, Stephens.

He was definitely not a woman.

Well he certainly appeared to be a man – though he was dressed in some fairly loud and constricting gym pants and t-shirt that looked suspiciously like Lycra.

So, if the new captain was not some sexy She Woman why all the sly laughs and rib jabbing amongst the other guys in the squad room who knew him from the other precinct?

Hutch walked toward them, hoping that his muttered expletive had not carried across the room. He was uncomfortably aware that at least forty pairs of eyes followed him as he crossed the room. Female eyes.

He prayed that the classic Hutchinson klutzy moves would not assail him now. Last thing he needed was to trip over his feet in front of a sea of hungry looking females. They looked at him with predatory awe and for a moment he saw himself splayed out on the gym floor, flailing to get up as they descended upon him in their hordes.

Perhaps Starsky’s Viagra induced state was having the exact opposite effect on his own gonads. He felt his own balls and dick shriveling with the imagery in his head.

“Hutchinson, Glad you could finally make it.”

Dobey looked pointedly at his watch. Their Captain was frequently looking pointedly at his watch whenever they were in his presence, or rather when they eventually managed to arrive in his presence.

It was invariably Starsky’s fault – Hutch took no blame for Dobey’s pointed watch checking.

He took the opportunity to make that clear now.

“Sorry Captain. Starsky had a bad headache – had to get him some food, load up his sugar levels.”

“Hmmmphh… Let me introduce you to Mark Stephens from the Twelfth. Captain Stephens as you well know will be relieving me of my duties while I’m on extended leave for the next month. Mark – Kenneth Hutchinson.”

As soon as Hutch shook hands with Stephens and caught his roving eyes, Hutch now knew with certainty what all of the guffawing in the squad room had meant. If the hideous gym outfit hadn’t given it away completely, his body language certainly did.

Not a woman, but definitely, absolutely – gay.

No big deal in Hutch’s eyes – but a big deal for the Police Department.

And not just homosexual, but effeminately homosexual. An effeminate homosexual police Captain. Unusual to have risen up the ranks with such a prejudicial identity. But stranger things could happen in the force. Maybe it was a strategic move by the brass to push him into an administrative position as quickly as possible. Get him off the streets and out of the public eye.

Must be damn good at his job to have survived in this regiment of homophobes.

Hutch shook, or tried to shake – it was more like Stephens was stroking his hand – the limp, dry thin hand of the new Captain. He caught the man’s eyes and tried to use his own to direct them back up to his face. Stephens beady little eyes were far too busy with a full circumnavigation of his body.

“So lovely to finally meet you Kenneth. I’ve heard such wonderful things about you and your partner, David.”

Jesus! What a voice! Is that for real? Why can’t he at least tone that down a little when he’s on the job. Rather tone it up? Sounds like his balls have been caught in a lawnmower.

“Ah, Ken actually. I prefer Ken and Dave, Dave Starsky.”

Dobey was clearing his throat and looking irritably about the room as if Starsky might be loitering in a far corner – perhaps with one of the women?

Not improbable thought Hutch. In fact highly probable if this was any ordinary day and Starsky’s anatomy was behaving itself.

“Ah, he’s in the rest room Captain. You know Starsky and his habits of hitting the rest rooms before, well before – meetings and performances.”

Hutch cast his eyes around the room. Speaking of performances, the natives were getting increasingly restless.

“Performances? Well good point Hutchinson. Captain Stephens and I have been waiting for you two to arrive. Where is that instructor? There she is over there. She has asked that we run through a few basic strategies with the women on common self-defense manoeveurs. Now that you’re here I’ll go and discuss the program with her and we can get started. Did you two bring your gym gear?”

“Ah gym gear? No – were we meant to?”

“Hutchinson! You obviously didn’t read the memo I left for you both yesterday. Why can’t you men ever read your in-tray mail?”

“Now Harold. Don’t get all flustered. It’s quite fine really. This being a noteworthy social program run by the Bay City Police Department in conjunction with the Women’s Community Centre is an excellent opportunity for some good PR for our department. The Commissioner agreed that we should have some official gym uniforms with our departmental logo printed on them for the occasion. That way when the press cover us we will look professional – and-”

adding as he gave a long look at Hutch’s tall lean frame,

“… attractive. I have in fact taken the liberty to bring the gym attire with me today.”

“Obviously I have already come prepared wearing my gym attire.”

Obviously. No kidding? God have you seen yourself in the mirror?

“It’s important that the women – err the community gets to see the Police Captain getting involved in the program don’t you think?”

What I think is that you are an over the top fairy. By the look on Dobey’s face I’d say he agrees.

“Let me just get the bag with the outfits. They’re just up here behind the curtains.”

As he climbed up onto the stage, his tight gym pants accentuated his more than generous behind. The body molding material was not the most flattering of fabrics for the copious flesh and Hutch felt a little sick.

It seemed that Dobey was not too impressed with the Captain’s dress sense either.

“Tell me Hutchinson, that the gym outfits he has in that bag do not resemble in any shape of form what he is wearing.”

“We’ll soon find out Cap’n”.

“Well I sure as hell won’t be partaking in any demonstrations if that is what we have to wear.”

Hutch was tempted to agree that there would not be a gym suit big enough for his robust captain to wear so he needn’t worry – but he held back the remark.

After all Hutch wanted his paycheck signed off on before Dobey went on leave.

Thinking of cramming flesh into Lycra, Hutch was brought back to the problem at hand. Well the problem that was probably at this moment in Starsky’s hands actually – but it was still a big problem.

How the hell would his partner get his burgeoning package into gym pants like those that Stephens was wearing? His stubborn erection would be showcased for all to see.

And he thought Starsky’s jeans were revealing! God help everyone in this room when they got an eyeful of him in Lycra with the current state of his manhood.

Dobey was growling again.

“I’m going over to let the instructor know we’re ready to start. Where the hell is Starsky?”

Trust me. You wouldn’t want to know Captain.

Just as Dobey’s voice was threatening a low bellow, the detective in question appeared at the doorway, jacket back on, covering his holster now that he was in the midst of a roomful of citizens.

Starsky walked carefully toward them. His usual strutting style not on display. But even from across the room Hutch could tell something else was still very much on display!

Starsky squirmed, looking at Hutch with desperation. Hutch swept his gaze downward, surreptitiously assessing the crotch situation.

Was it any smaller? Less obvious?

Not really.

Was it any bigger? More obvious?

Perhaps it was.

Didn’t you jerk off at all?

Yes of course I did , what the fuck do you think I was doing in there?

Their silent conversation had Hutch brimming with laughter and Starsky looking more panicked than we he had left to go into the John.

Starsky suddenly noticed the large female contingency that had now moved their eyes from the tall blond to him instead. He blanched and his hands went automatically to drop below his waist.

Don’t do it Starsky! Don’t put your hands down there to try to cover it. That just makes it more damn obvious! Those jeans – you’ve got to get those jeans off and fast.

“Starsky! You know this meeting was supposed to kick off fifteen minutes ago at least. Captain Stephens and I are getting tired of waiting. So are all of these women. How can you possibly take so long in the John?”

Hutch decided to help him.

“I think I can help you with that query Captain. Starsky has been complaining of feeling incredibly stiff this morning isn’t that right partner? ”

So what if he was emphasizing some of the words – only Starsky would pick up on it. Besides he couldn’t, just couldn’t miss the opportunity.

Starsky dark blue eyes were smoldering – with fire and threat.

“So – I advised Starsky to go to the rest room and do a bit of pre – stretching before the class starts.”

Wait a moment. Don’t get angry. I’m trying to help you here….

“Starsky, this is Captain Mark Stephens our new temporary Captain while Cap’n Dobey takes leave. Captain Stephens is going to do some of the demonstrations for the defense class this afternoon and he’s organized some new gym gear for the officers to wear during these community classes. Ah…very smart new gym wear.”

He tried to warn his partner with his eyes, as if the comments he had just made hadn’t been enough, but he could tell Starsky was only half attentive. His mind was still in his pants.

“Pleased to meet you Sir. Dave. Dave Starsky.”

“Oh My….Please not Sir. Call me Mark or Captain but never Sir. I like to be more familiar with my senior officers. We need to all get along together. Harold had told me all about you two daredevils. I think you know also that the two of you are known throughout most of the city and the county. It’s so lovely to have the opportunity of working closely with you both. Now Dave, Ken – time to get our gym gear on and get this show on the road. The women are getting restless.

Let’s show them what the fine officers of this city can do to help them feel safer on the streets. I’m sure you both have some impressive moves you can show me – ah show them.”

Starsky was staring hard at Hutch now.

What the Fuck? Who is this clown?

“Well Cap – ah Mark. I think I will leave the moves up to Starsky today. He needs to work out some of that stiffness don’t you partner?”

“Hutch….”

“Don’t try to be modest partner. Mark you should know this about Starsky. He welcomes these sorts of opportunities to show the community how street cops can be seen as upstanding men – men that fearful women everywhere can depend upon. Cops are not just law enforcers – Starsky always says he likes to be seen as a pillar of society. Upstanding and solid Solid as a rock aren’t you Starsky?”

“Hutch….”

“No don’t try to deny it buddy. You’ve got a damn good detective here Captain even if I say so myself…after all I am a little biased.”

“Hutch I’m warning you… ”

Could Starsky’s voice get anymore like the growl of a bear on heat?

Dobey had returned to the men’s sides and had heard the last of Hutch’s glowing speech. He was looking at Hutch as though he had two heads.

“Well I don’t particularly care who’s dependable or damn upstanding. But one of you sure better be real soon. I want this show over so I can get back to the office and finish my paperwork before my damn leave starts. Now go get changed Starsky. Captain Stephens wants to be part of the demonstration and the instructor only wants two of you on the floor. Hutchinson – go tell those reporters out in the foyer that we’re ready to start and they can set their cameras up for some media shots.”

“Sure thing Captain. Photos? Media shot? Starsky this time tomorrow you’ll be all over the local paper. How about that?”

Starsky grabbed the proffered gym bag and turned on his heel.

“Yeah, how about that? T’rrific.”

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo

“Look this is getting ridiculous. Go and see what is taking him all of this time again will you Hutchinson? How long does it take to get a pair of gym pants on anyway?”

If only Dobey knew how leading his questions were.

If you could see what he had to try to stuff into them you’d know.

“Captain, don’t worry. The women are going through some warm ups anyway. I’ll get him. I think I know what the problem could be.”

And right about now Starsky would be sweating buckets trying to get himself into the offending gym outfit. At least Hutch thought that he had a solution for that part of the problem if not the problem itself.

“Yes move him along Ken. I’m keen to go through a few moves with Dave. Show these ladies a thing or two about how to handle men.”

I bet you could.

Hutch was amused to see Dobey turning away – struggling with his own smirk at Stephen’s double Entendre. Then again, given the glint in Stephen’s eye, maybe it it wasn’t a double Entendre at all.

Perhaps he better get ready to jump onto the mat himself afterall if things started to get a little too close for comfort with this new Captain. He might need to protect his partner’s honour. After all Stephens was an unknown quantity and Starsky was in a very “delicate” condition.

He hurried off toward the foyer and the restrooms outside. Starsky’s car keys were still in his back pocket after the drive here. A quick jog back to the car would only take a minute. Then it would be easy to retrieve his own gym bag from where he knew it was still stashed in the Torino’s trunk. His old loose and frayed cut offs would be his sympathy offering to his suffering partner. Maybe this would stop Starsky from complaining about how Hutch used his car as a mobile wardrobe.

 

Chapter Four

“Starsky open the door.”

“No damn way ….you are NOT seeing this sight! Freakin’ gym outfit! Who would wear this piece of shit? Even if my dick wasn’t the size of a bowling pin I’d still look indecent in these things.”

“Starsky open up – I’ve got my gym shorts for you.”

The door opened a crack and wild blue eyes blazed in the bright fluorescent light of the men’s change cubicle.

“Whatda’ mean you have ya’ gym shorts? You had no gym bag with ya’ when we got here.”

“That’s what your car trunk is for remember? To store all my shit. Look hurry up – Dobey’s out there having a mental attack waiting to get this show up and running. I’ve got them ok? Now here – put them on. At least they will cover a bit more than those skin tight gym pants.”

“You aren’t kiddin’. Hutch I look like one of them ballerina guys – but with a package to show, not those small peanuts they usually have down there.”

“Starsky male ballet dancers are not ballerinas. Now hurry up will you.”

“Hutch if you knew how hard it was to get these things on in the first place….”

“Must be easier getting them off surely. Just pull the damn things.”

“Ok, Ok…..ahhhhh….shit….come on you bastards….finally!”

“Got them off? Good now hurry up and put these on and lets get out there.”

“Right – ready. Oh man I can breathe again…these shorts are so much better. Oh the relief….letting it all hang out. Hey I kinda like these t-shirts – Bay City PD. Pretty cool. Yeah pretty cool.”

“Starsky stop admiring yourself in the freaking mirror and come on! You can look at yourself all you want later on at home.”

“Hey if you want me to be the scrapegoat for this gig with the ladies out there then you’d better shut up with the smart talk Hutch.”

“Scapegoat – and you’re not. You’re just the nominated officer to run through the defense moves.”

“Nominated by you you mean? Well hope they’re ready for me coz I sure know how to move a lady.”

He stepped out of the cubicle.

Hutch exploded into laughter.

“What? What? You can’t see it so much now can ya’?”

“No – no. Much better Starsky. Much better.”

It wasn’t.

How could Starsky possibly think it was?

But then he supposed Starsky was comparing the view to the one he had of his crotch caught in the headlights with the Lycra number he had just removed.

“Ya sure Hutch?”

“Yes sure. You look nothing like a ballerina with a big bulge now.”

You just look like Starsky with a massive erection which you are trying to disguise in a pair of loose cut offs.

But he didn’t point that out to his partner. He had an agenda here.

There was no way he wanted to be out there in front of all of those women demonstrating male virility and being leered at by some fairy in lycra.

There were just some things in life that Starsky was better at doing, at handling , then he was – and public displays of physicality was one of them. Starsky didn’t have a klutzy clumsy move in him.

Yes, Starsky would handle it better – hard on and all.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOoooOOOooo

“Oh Dave ….no special gym pants? I had them specifically ordered in for the Department officers to wear at these classes.”

Hutch could not miss the close ups the new Captain Stephens was giving Starsky’s lower half. He had locked eyes on him as soon as he had re-entered the room and his focus had not shifted from below Starsky’s waist since then.

“Ah No Cap’n ah – Mark. They just didn’t seem to be my size. Hutch here luckily had some gym gear with him….so…”

“Not your size? But Dave, they are designed to stretch and fit with the body. From where I’m standing I would’ve have thought the training pants would have molded very nicely to your body.”

Hutch looked down, biting so hard on his inner mouth to stop the laugh erupting that he tasted blood. He caught Dobey looking hard at a piece of paper with the same painful expression on his face.

Starsky was glaring at Hutch.

Stephens kept focused on Starsky’s crotch.

Hutch and Dobey exchanged knowing looks.

“Ok Starsky – head on over there to where that mat is. Mark you know what the instructor wants you to demonstrate. She is going to do the talking – all you need to do Starsky is show your stuff and take the falls. Mark is going to be the aggressor is that right Mark?”

“Oh definitely Harold. I’ve got all the moves worked out. In the first round I will play the role of the attacker – Dave you just need to go with me and fall as safely as you can. In the next round you can dominate me and I will have the defensive response actions ready to show ladies. So first up I dominate – then your turn. ”

Hutch thought he would not last another moment without losing it. At least the inside of his mouth would not last.

Starsky threw one more baleful look at his partner, shuffled the cut offs around, winced and sauntered with difficulty over to the floor mats. He waved congenially to the female audience and did his best Starsky lopsided grin and little boy head tuck. His dark blue eyes and cheeky grin always hooked the women in. True to form the front row of women were captivated as women often were by Starsky.

But this time Hutch thought it had little to do with the dark blue eyes and cheeky grin and a lot more to do with where their eyes were all looking now.

Stephens leaned down to his bag to pick up his own sheet of paper with the run through of moves. As he went to follow his mat partner he suddenly turned to Hutch and leaned in with a conspiratorial hushed tone. Hutch jerked his head back quickly before realizing he was only going to ask him a question…

“Ummm Ken…tell me, is Dave married? In a steady relationship?”

“Starsky? Nooooooooo…he’s more of a …modern thinking man….you know free spirit …..free love….a seventies man. Whereas me – well – yep – the conservative type I guess. Been there, done that – the married bit you know. But Starsky – no. ”

“Well that’s interesting to know. Oh and Ken – perhaps don’t mention to him that I asked. I just like to know these things about my men. It’s important to know these things.”

I bet it is. I bet there are a hell of a lot of things you like to know about your men.

Hutch was re-calculating just how many beers he would owe Starsky tonight once Stephens was finished with him on the mat.

Stephens walked off and now with Starsky’s back to him as he greeted the instructor, Stephens had no option but to change his focus from Starsky’s crotch to his ass.

“How are we ever going to survive a month with this guy? Particularly Starsky?”

“You say something Hutchinson?”

“Ahhh…just wondering how Starsk was going to survive this little show. Not that he normally gets stage fright…but”

“Hmmmphhh…. Thought you said that you didn’t have your gym gear with you today?”

“Yeah – ah – Well Starsky reminded me that it was in the trunk of his car. Forgot that.”

“Yeah, I’m sure you did. Just as well you had those shorts though.”

Hutch looked up quickly.

What did Dobey mean by that?

“Can’t imagine what Starsky would have looked like in that ridiculous get up Stephens had got on…”

The big captain was grinning slyly now and Hutch tried to fathom his humor.

“They were certainly tight..”

“Tight? Tight? With the gun that your partner is toting today, I would say they would have been downright indecent! ”

And then in his false serious tone he slapped Hutch hard on the back.

“You should see that he gets out a bit more Hutchinson – it looks like he could use some …err. Activity….no wonder you said he had a headache today.”

Hutch could only stand with his mouth half open and Dobey changed his facial expression entirely – his gruff, semi bored, Captain’s persona back in place.

“Now where are those people from the newspaper? If we don’t get some shots of this little act the Commissioner will be wanting the money back for all of this promotional hype.”

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo

By the time the demonstration, and the choreographed shots were taken and Stephens had painstakingly talked his way through each of his defensive ploys, Hutch was actually starting to feel sorry for his partner.

In fact by the look of him and the sound of him (as he hit the mat over and over, sometimes landing precariously close to his troublesome crotch) Hutch thought he might be coming close to disgracing himself – and doing so in his favorite gym shorts.

Every time he caught his eye the warning was clear…

Get me the fuck away from this man NOW.

This was getting serious – Hutch was worried whether he would in fact be buying every drink round for the next month if he didn’t do something and fast.

“Ah Cap’n Dobey – I think that maybe Starsk has had enough…”

“What the hell do you mean? He’s a fit young cop – this is nothing to him. What’s a bit of a wrestle and a roll? You guys do this sort of thing every other day out on the streets. I’ve seen you fight rougher in the damn squad room when you’ve got nothing better to do.”

“Well you see….”

“See what Hutchinson?”

“His head – Starsky’s headache is back.”

“And how do you know that? Oh don’t tell me – partner telepathy?”

“Exactly – ”

“Well I didn’t come down in the last shower despite what you two like to think. I know the real problem here.”

“You do?”

His voice sounded almost as squeaky as Starsky’s often did when he was incredulous with surprise.

Dobey took on the air of wisdom.

“Yes and I have to say Hutchinson I would never have thought that you would be like that.”

“Like what?”

His voice was rising even more…what the hell?

“You’re jealous of your partner’s….let’s call it …..Stature…ah, his prowess in certain areas. That’s why you made him put those loose shorts on and now its clear that the women are still very taken with him – well –”

“Oh My God Captain! It’s nothing like that. Seriously…. I …look…I should explain but it’s a….”

Dobey was almost bending over in mirth now, his hand hard on his copious belly and his whole body shaking with contained laughter.

“Captain?”

The big man straightened up now but he was pulling his handkerchief out and wiping at his watering eyes.

“Hutchinson. No need to worry – see they’ve finished. Starsky’s a free man. Now get him out of here and make sure he takes care of whatever is ailing him today. Never seen anything like it. ”

A watery tear escaped out of his crunched up face and he laughed again.

“Thought that Stephens was going to eat him up at one point –if he didn’t kill him first by sitting on his …on his….”

He was too far gone now, spluttering so hard at his own joke that some of the women looked over at the commotion. Realizing that people were starting to look he headed for the curtained area – away from the crowd and a dumbstruck Hutch.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOooo

Hutch was waiting for him again outside of the John. Some of the crowd of women had begun to leave and Dobey and Stephens were still in the auditorium doing an impromptu interview with the local paper. Even from here Hutch could see the traces of humor still on the big Captain’s face.

He knew he was in for it when Starsky came out – if he ever came out.

When the demonstration ended Starsky had bowed and waved quickly to the cheering applauding women. Stephens tried to throw his arm around his shoulders in what could have passed as a pact of police brotherhood. More likely though Hutch thought , Stephens tried to just get a grope of Starsky before the opportunity vanished. Starsky moved so quickly that Stephen’s arm slipped down and in a strange ironic twist his arm ended up around Starsky’s waist instead.

It was around that time that Hutch started backing back to the doorway.

Perhaps he should wait in the car?

The look of thunderous rage on Starsky’s face as he hobbled toward him told him differently.

“Wait here! Don’t move. I’ll be a while.”

So he settled up against the wall as he was told to and ran through some scenarios of how to solve the problem of the recalcitrant erection. Maybe Starsky would be in a better move if he had a plan for “recovery” at his finger tips…

He groaned at his own pitiful pun. It hadn’t even been intentional.

Where were all of these puns coming from today? Starsky had started it with his damn stupid “Pillantrophy”.

“YoooHooo!”

Who? Who the hell was this woman?

One of the group had detached herself from the crowd and had dragged a few friends in tow with her out to the foyer. She was waving madly at Hutch now and seemed to recognize him.

For some reason he thought she did have a vague familiarity. But where? Who?

“Detective Hutchinson isn’t it? Oh I thought it was you standing over there on the other side of the room. I said to my friends – I know that guy. Hey, shame you weren’t in the demonstration just now. Is the other man your partner – Dave? Detective Starsky? I’ve never met him but have heard Mike talk about both of you…and of course I’ve met you a couple of times now at those drinks nights for the Precinct….”

You have?

“You have. That’s right yes. Mike – Mike’s wife…”

Of course! That’s it. Mike the Pillantropist’s wife.

“Gloria. It’s Gloria. Now where is the cute partner of yours, our hero of the day?”

“Starsky? Oh he’ll be along soon enough. He just has his hands full at the moment …with something hard he’s been working on…”

Sometimes thought Hutch – fortune and opportunity just walked right up to you , smiled and said Hello.

 

Chapter Five

The minutes crept past and still Starsky did not emerge from the john. Sweat was starting to slither down Hutch’s back as the little knot of women around him continued to swell.

Swell, grow , increase – God Hutchinson stop with the freaking erection puns will you. There is more to this day than Starsky’s stiff dick!

Well that was not entirely true as the issue of Starsky’s unrelenting erection was in fact turning out to be a sizeable issue.

Yes, Starsky’s Viagra induced bulge was a problem and for the moment it was foremost in his mind as no doubt it was also for these leg warmer swarm of giggling ladies. And that was saying nothing of what it must be like for Starsky.

Gloria, Mike the Pillantropist’s wife had not drawn breath in three minutes or more.

Mike the Pillantropist…..Oh God, why had Starsky put that stupid reference in his head? Never again could he look at the guy across the desk without thinking of him as some benevolent pill pusher – which of course he wasn’t – malevolent was more the word to describe the asshole who had pulled this dirty low trick on Starsk.

Either way, benevolent or malevolent Mike’s freaking wife was a sufferer of verbal diarrhea. In five minutes she already had his head tensing and he could feel the headache thrumming from the drone of her incessant prattle.

To make matters worse she kept calling more and more women over to her so that she could introduce him as her ” personal acquaintance.”

“Look girls, come meet the other half of our curly haired macho man. Detective Hutchinson’s a Detective down at my husband’s precinct you know – and he’s our cute instructor Detective Starsky’s partner. ”

The oohs and aahs were almost as bad as the blinding array of hot pink slinky gym outfits that danced before him as he pushed himself harder into the wall.

One rather oversized woman, who Hutch thought to himself did not have a particularly favorable relationship with Lycra, began gushing enthusiastically.

“Oh so that hottie is your partner? We girls thought he was the best thing we’ve seen in our fitness classes since they began. If he’s here every week I’ll almost consider that it’s worth it to get out of bed to exercise.”

“Ah…well …no, you see this is just a one off program by the police department to highlight the importance of self defense for women.”

“You mean he won’t be here again?”

“Hmmmnn…no I don’t imagine so. I’m sure he’d love to – but he’s just so busy cleaning up the scum from these city streets – to make them safer so that you ladies won’t need to learn how to defend yourselves against them.”

Yeah for fucking sure…not. Starsky and I would need to be a battalion to even make a dent on the scum out there.

Cries of disappointment rose up from the small throng of pink and fluorescent yellow.

“But maybe some other officers will come in to do similar demonstrations.” Hutch hurriedly tried to placate them. He was not sure what they were capable of if he didn’t.

There were lots of whining and moans – obviously Starsky was the one they wanted. They’d seen him and now they wanted him. Or rather, they wanted a big part of him.

“But what if we request him? Maybe the Police Department will agree if enough of us sign a petition or something.”

A petition! A petition? When had Starsky ever been so in demand? Sure he was renowned for pulling the women in with his flirtatious behavior but Hutch hadn’t seen one shred of flirtation today. In fact his buddy had looked almost coy. Had to be the big dick that was pulling them in. Just had to be….

“A petition? No – I really don’t think our Captain would agree to spare him to do these classes when there are so many bad crims out there just  waiting to be brought to justice.”

God how lame. Did I just say that shit? Yes you did Hutchinson and it sounded like some B grade soapie that Starsky loves to watch.

“Oooohhhhh God yes! ” Another woman was licking her lips now. “Hey girls imagine getting to see him in real action – with that gun of his! That fully loaded gun!”

Hoots of laughter bounced off the walls and the women all made lots of what he would term suggestive motions with their bodies and their mouths.

Jesus, these women were wild. What did their husbands think they were up to down here at the Community Centre twice a week?

Well, one thing was for sure ….the women had noticed what was below Starsky’s waist today – and they liked it – a lot…

“And how about you honey? Why didn’t we see you in some action today? You’re so big and tall and I’m sure you know how to fight like your partner. You should have been up there with your partner and not that other guy.”

“Yeah! Instead that cutie pie got teamed up with that chubby older guy. Not fair when you were here on the sideline all the time. We could have had double the fun! Hey its not too late – the two of you can come back in right now and show us your stuff. That’d be great wouldn’t it girls?”

“Hey Honey, Do you have a gun as big as your cute partners.”

A chorus of encouragement and wolf whistling was almost the last straw.

“Ahh mam, ladies – please remember you’re addressing a police officer here. Perhaps you’d all better tame it a little.”

Hutch wanted to sink right into the wall. Was this place a Community Centre or a front for some sex parlor for women?

Starsky, where the fuck are you?

I’m going to be eaten alive out here soon.

When a second later the door to the john opened and when Starsky walked out doing a slow version of a John Wayne wide based stride, Hutch knew what had taken him so long. He had put back on those painted on jeans!

“Hey buddy! There you are. These ladies have been waiting to say hello.”

Starsky took one look at the group of women clustered around his partner and did a double take. His hand went backwards to the push door from where he had just exited. He retreated back in through the doorway.

Hutch lunged.

“Ah – excuse us for a moment ladies.”

Following quickly on Starsky’s heels he grabbed at his shirt just inside the door to the restroom.

Leaning in closer he growled lowly in his partner’s ear.

” You stay put. You’re not leaving me out there again with those…..crazy sex starved women.”

“Shit look at ’em all out there Hutch. Why’re they all crowding ’round you? You look like one of them rock stars where all the fans are pushing’ to get ya’ autograph.”

“Hey buddy it’s not me they’re waiting for – its you you big stud. And it’s not your autograph they want, its another sort of souvenir. Seems you have made quite an impression on them with your ‘loaded gun’ .”

“What! You mean my …..”

Starsky looked down at said gun with a mixture of shock and pride on his face.

“How ’bout that hey? You know maybe this thing ain’t so bad after all –’cept it hurts like hell.”

“I’m telling you – they saw it and they want it. You and your hard on have got their instincts all fired up – the savages can smell blood – or maybe the male pheromones you’re putting out”

Hutch laughed at his own joke and Starsky scowled deeply.

“You should have seen the way some of ’em were lookin’ at me Hutch. It was scary.”

“Don’t tell me Buddy – I’ve seen them in action just now.”

Now lets get the hell out of here and quickly, these women are one step away from jumping your boner – ah your bones.”

“Don’t start Hutch….”

“Sorry – just had to … And talking of boners why the hell have you got those damn jeans on again. Now you’re just drawing attention to “it” again.”

“Umm…had to take your shorts off Hutch…..”

“But why? They were so much better at hiding the problem than…”

He caught the sheepish look in Starsky’s eye and looked down at his gym bag held slightly behind his partner’s back.

“Starsky?”

“Err…well…I just couldn’t make it here in time – that damn Stephens had been grabbing at my cock left right and center Hutch. I was lucky to hold it in while I was out there in front of the crowd. Just made the door here when – well – when…”

“My favorite cut offs Starsky. My very favorite chilling out pair of cut offs. ”

“Hey they’re still ya favorite pair of cut offs. Nothin’s changed.”

“No only you’ve creamed them haven’t you? Oh Yeuckkkk! Couldn’t you just have controlled yourself for one more moment?”

“No I damn couldn’t and it’s all your fault partner. Putting me out there with that raging queen who did nothing’ but grope me from top to bottom. You knew he was gay, you knew it and you set me up.”

“I knew no such thing Starsky. Never met him or heard of him till this afternoon. It was just all a case of bad timing. You and him and your loaded gun.”

“Oh yeah. And I suppose the fact you let drop I was single and open to the swingin’ life was just standard conversation you’d have with ya’ new Cap’n hey partner? Do ya know he kept mutterin’ in my ear that he was lookin’ forward to getting’ to know me a lot better in the next weeks. Oh My God his tongue was drippin’ with saliva – terrible, it was terrible Hutch.”

Christ that does sound terrible.

Hutch was quite shocked that the new Captain had covered so much ground in the space of just one short demonstration class. And in front of a whole roomful of women! Stephens would be someone to watch if he got you near the water cooler by yourself – or God help you if he got you in his office pinned near the desk. It was going to be a long month while Dobey was away….

“Starsky he asked me I told him – no big deal. What was I supposed to say – that you were hitched?”

“Ya coulda told him that I am getting twice weekly treatment from a shrink for my heterophobia. That would have put him off.”

“Not likely Starsk. Not likely. Might have caused you a few more problems with Stephens than you already have.”

“Huh?”

“Don’t worry – just brush up on your Latin when you get a chance. Might keep you out of trouble.”

“Sometimes Hutch I think ya’ get some sort of sick joy outta makin’ me look and feel stupid. Just speak in plain English and stop confusin’ me.”

“I do speak English Starsky – its you who seems intent on inventing your own language.”

“Is that so? Well for that you can wash your own cut offs.”

“You can keep them buddy. I’m hardly going to wear them again after you’ve – err- left your mark in them like some sort of dog on heat. Now let’s get out of here. Do you think those man-eaters out there have given up and gone yet?”

“I don’t care Hutch …I just really need to get home, get these jeans off and get in a nice cool bath with a nice cold beer. I’m worn out from all this jerkin’ off and my pride and joy is gettin’ red raw.”

Hutch felt the stirrings of sympathy. He could imagine how sensitive Starsky’s crotch must be feeling. In his whole adult life he had never needed to self-service Lil’ Hutchinson more than once, maybe twice in a whole day.

“Ok buddy lets break out of here. I’ll go first and storm the crowd for you.”

“Hey don’t joke – with the looks on some of those ladies faces you might even have to pull ya magnum out on ’em.”

“So how you want to do this? You’ll have to go high because with the state you’re in there is no way you can go low.”

“Just the regular funny man today aren’t ya’ Hutch?”

Slowly they opened the door and the Hutch bit back more laughter at the look on his partner’s face. It was as though he was walking into a minefield and not just exiting the John to possibly have to say hello to a few female admirers.

“Hey the coast is pretty clear Hutch. Looks like they gave up and left. ” Starsky walked out warily, his legs stiff with discomfort.

“Oh the fickle whims of females. Maybe they’ve already got their eyes on the next class’s gym instructor. Oh well you were a star for a minute pal, take the glory while you can.”

“Yeah well the way this rod is really starting to throb I ‘ve decided that I never want to feel glory again if this is what it feels like. Shit this is unbearable. Oh no, the damn steps. Maybe there’s a lift or somethin’ or a back entrance out on to the flat.”

“Nope – just one way out of here Starsky and that’s down. Come on take a deep breath and hey…you could always slide down the banister. Seen you do that plenty of times.”

“Not today ya’ won’t see me. The pressure would probably snap my dick off and crush my already tortured balls.”

He began to hobble down one step at a time.

And while Starsky was concentrating on getting one leg in front of the other without crippling a very vital part of himself, Hutch suddenly realized where the women had gone to. They were just outside the entrance of the center and were listening with pretended interest to Captain Stephens’s alto voice as he held court over the small crowd. Still unattractively suited out in his hideous Lycra ensemble, gym bag on his arm like it was a handbag, he gesticulated flamboyantly as he spoke.

Hutch still couldn’t believe that this ‘man’ was going to be the precinct’s captain for the next month. No wonder Mike and the boys in the squad room had smirked behind closed hands.

Stephens caught sight of Hutch near the bottom of the steps.

“Ken! There you are. We were all wondering where the two of you got to?”

Excitedly now he came back through the entrance doors to greet him.

“And where is Dave? All the ladies are asking over him. They were very impressed with our demonstration.”

It was too late to warn Starsky as Stephen’s eyes looked up and locked on his self-defense partner immediately.

“There you are Dave! Come down here and talk to these lovely ladies. Seems you have taught them quite a lot today. I was just saying that you and I make a great team and perhaps we can make this a regular event. You and I just seem to meld so well together….”

Hutch could hear the unmistakable moan from Starsky from behind him.

Starsky had stopped still on the step, an acutely pained expression on his face – whether from Stephen’s remark or his distended groin Hutch would never be sure because in the next instant all hell broke loose.

Stephens bounded up the steps resembling for all the world, thought Hutch, like some oversized seal in his slippery Lycra suit, flapping his hands around in fevered excitement at the sight of Starsky. A very tentative Starsky.

A tentative starstruck Starsky who stood transfixed looking down at the women and Stephens with a nervousness that suggested he was debating whether to retreat back up the few steps. For one second his eyes slipped to his partner and yelled at him in silence.

You got me into this fucking mess now get me out!

Hutch’s brain was scrambling for a deterring response to the new Captain’s over the top zeal. Someone had to tell him he couldn’t have Starsky as a permanent play doll and he guessed the job fell to him. Suddenly with abandoned excitement Stephens bolted up the steps past him and all but flung himself at the affection of his eye.

When Stephens was only one step away from his goal he reached out with reckless abandon. Starsky shrank back as Stephens arm came out to grab at him and the swinging gym bag swung freely from the slippery Lyrca’d shoulder. It’s point of contact and aim couldn’t have been more strategic if Stephens had tried and couldn’t have found a more unfortunate point to contact than Starsky’s distended crotch.

Starsky’s howl of pain was really very impressive and so were the choice words that flew from his contorted mouth.

Even the wild women gasped. It was hard to tell whether they were impressed by his show of raw masculinity or terrified that their hero was no better than any other lowlife deviant.

“FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU FUCKING IDIOT! THAT’S MY BALLS YOU JUST RAMMED. AAAHHHHHHH….JEEZ..SHIT….JEEZ…FUCK THE PAIN!”

In suspended time Starsky howled, writhed and jerked back to try to grasp his ailing genitals and then teetered wildly on the step. To a background chorus of light female cries of warning, he staggered, his sneakered foot slipping off the edge of the step. The battle to regain his balance was lost. He went down hard on his back, smacking his head with that sickening sound that can only mean something very bad, as it made contact with the concrete steps.

“STARSKY!”

But Hutch’s alarmed cry for his partner was lost among the melodramatic screams of at least half a dozen women and one very high alto male scream.

 

Chapter Six

Starsky’s body fell backwards, impacted the edge of the step, slumped bonelessly and then rolled awkwardly down the few steps to land on the first flat level landing of the stairwell. It was a dramatic fall and for a moment a hushed silence descended. The small group was blanketed in shock.

The silence didn’t last long.

“Dave! Oh My God Dave! He’s fallen! Oh. Ken, Ken – he’s hurt. Someone …oh My Dear Lord! ”

Stephens flung himself bodily at the crumpled figure lying still on the tiled expanse. He dropped to his ample haunches beside Starsky and attempted to lift his lolling head off the ground.

“Oh My Goodness. His unconscious! He’s unconscious! Somebody call an ambulance. Oh My..Oh there’s blood…oooohhhh….blood. Dave ! Dave!”

“Starsky!” Hutch called again.

He bounded up the steps to where his partner was being nearly mauled by a frantic Stephens.

Roughly he pushed Stephen’s grappling hands away and reached down himself to gently support his partner’s head.

“No! Don’t move him. Stop moving him – that can be so dangerous. Please Captain – just sit aside and let me see.”

Stephens hung on with grim determination.

“Captain Stephens, let him go! I need to see how badly he’s hurt.”

Still their new relieving Captain seemed not to want to relinquish and kept a grip on Starsky for grim life.

“Stephens, I said….LET GO OF HIM!”

Stephens let go – he had little choice as he landed ass down on the floor after Hutch shoved him hard to the side. He rubbed at his Lyrca clad seat as he continued to make small keening sounds of distress.

“How is he Ken? What’s the situation? My God how bad is he?”

Hutch finished his gentle probing of the back of Starsky’s bleeding scalp.

“He’s ok I hope – just caught his head on the sharp edge of the step – but he’s knocked himself out well and good. Got a nice cut on his scalp to prove it. Jesus what a day! Starsk…Starsk…can you hear me?”

Stephens was crawling back toward them.

Hutch half turned to the women all assembled above them and all talking at once – calling advice to him, giving him directions.

“Ladies please calm down, lets have some quiet here. Can someone get me a clean towel if possible to staunch this bleeding cut?”

Six hands shot out almost simultaneously holding a variety of colored and fluffy perfumed gym towels.

What the hell? Huh? Of course…

Capacious designer gym bags held essential accessories for any lady who is always prepared.

“Ah – thank you. One’s enough for now.”

He took the nearest one proffered to him and folding it deftly he lifted Starsky’s head and pressed the softness of the towel firmly to the bleeding cut.

“So much damn hair Starsk – hard to see how bad the cut is….”

“Oh is he awake Ken?” Stephens voice was rising again and shrilling in his ear.

God what a God damn awful voice.

“No – I’m thinking out loud. ”

“Oh…I thought…”

“No, he’s still out to it.”

Hutch could feel the presence of a large female bearing down toward him and Starsky.

“Do you think we need to give him mouth to mouth? I’ve got my certificate! I know how to do it. Here let me.”

It was the woman with the bad relationship with Lyrca and she pushed her ample bosom into Hutch’s face as she made a grab for Starsky. Her fleshy mouth was already opening wide as if in anticipation of it’s contact with Starsky’s.

“Please lady move back! He does not need to be resuscitated! He’s breathing fine on his own. In fact he’s starting to come to now.”

He moved his head closer down toward his partner’s face. He did this partly to block out the inquisitive tittering ladies and to have privacy from Stephen’s prying eyes.

“Hey Starsk….buddy? Are you there? Can you see me? You had a fall – took a dive on the steps. Hey? That’s good you can see me now can’t you. You know who I am?”

“Well it sure looks like you’re about to give him mouth to mouth right now – one of us could’ve done it for him. What a waste hey ladies?”

Were they laughing? He couldn’t believe it! They were actually joking about tonguing his partner – his unconscious partner while he lay here on the floor like some sacrificial lamb.

“Lady I am NOT giving him mouth to mouth. I am talking quietly to him so as not to stress him like you and your friends are all doing now with your loud raucous voices. And if he did need mouth to mouth I’m more than qualified to administer it to him. He’s my partner – err my police partner and I’m fully trained in paramedical procedures. ”

Stephen’s tinkling voice chimed in.

“Oh so am I Ken. Being a Captain I make sure to keep on top of all of these core practical skill bases. Never know when I may need to throw myself down on a fellow officer..to …..put some life back into them.”

Beneath his hands Hutch could feel Starsky starting to move.

“”Utch? Urgggghhh …..whats’ ‘appening? What? Ow! My head…and my…ahhh my balls…”

“Can you see me ok? Do you know where you are?”

“Yeah – lying in your arms blondie. Feels kinda nice. How’s it for you? ” He snuggled in a little closer to Hutch’s chest.

“Starsk don’t joke here – this is serious. You could have a bad concussion and your head is bleeding.”

“That’s nothin’ …ya’ certain my balls ain’t pourin’ blood cos they sure do feel like they are?’

“No everything down there seems pretty much how it looked ten minutes ago. Now can you remember?”

“Yeah…yeah…damn stupid self defense shit thing….stupid ….that stupid…what’s his name …that fat idiot of a …..”

“Ah – Starsky. Captain Stephens is here right beside us now…”

He hoped Starsky took the hint.

Starsky didn’t take the hint.

Or perhaps he didn’t understand in his befuddled state.

“That stupid fuckin’ ….FAIRY…..hit me in the balls …..jeez Hutch! The pain.”

Hutch squeezed Starsky’s arm tightly and rolled his eyes sidewards. He did it again for added assurance but still wasn’t sure that Starsky got the picture.

Stephens was pressing alarmingly close again.

“What? I can’t hear him? What’s he trying to say Ken? He sounds disoriented.”

“You’re right there Captain. He is. He said – ummm- that’s he’s fairly sure he’ll be ok and that he feels like an idiot.”

Anyway if Stephens did hear what Starsky had mumbled he damn well deserved it. Fat idiot of a fairy, nearly bowling Starsky over with his gym bag and his amorous moves. He could have killed him. In fact he couldn’t be sure yet that Starsky was out of the woods.

What with the blood loss from his head and the rest of his entire blood volume trapped in his groin in was any wonder he could stay conscious or achieve a vertical position again.

Though a certain part of Starsky’s anatomy was having no trouble whatsoever maintaining its vertical position.

Stephens was back right up against Starsky’s side again. He looked a little warily at Hutch as though he didn’t trust the big blond not to shove him for a six again. Hutch didn’t entirely trust himself not to try it again either.

“Ken – look I really think that in situations like this it is recommended that the patient’s clothing be loosened to allow him to breathe and move freely.”

Before Hutch realized what he was referring to and what part of Starsky’s clothing he was considering loosening, the Captain’s hands made a beeline for the zip on Starsky’s jeans. It didn’t take much to lower the zip given that it was already under such incredible tension and with barely touching it Stephens had it down halfway.

The willful bulge that had strained at the front of the tight jeans leapt forward as though jumping for joy to finally free itself of the industrial stitched denim confines.

Hutch was horror-struck and Starsky gasped and jumped, his head nearly bouncing out from Hutch’s hands.

“What The….! Not the zip! Stephens what are you doing? Will you stop that! For Christ Sake we’re in front of a bunch of women here and …”

And Starsky never wears underwear when he wears jeans and Oh My God! Everyone can see half his manhood displayed. What is your game here Stephens? You dirty Fairy !

Hutch slapped hard at Stephens hands. Stephen fought back to get the hands once more on the prized zip.

“What do think you’re doing? You can’t undo his jeans here! Control yourself! Get your …..Get your…..hands …off …my partner’s ….”

“He’s clothes are constricting him – actually his jeans are constricting him – a great deal. We must loosen them.”

“How the fuck does taking his zipper on his jeans down help with a bang to his head?”

Hutch was hissing into Stephen’s face while pushing his hand away and still trying to hold Starsky’s lolling head and the bloody towel. But Stephens was resolute and would not relinquish his hold on Starsky’s jean front. Hutch decided to get heavy again and grabbed the top of the zip with both hands to keep Stephens from pulling at it.

“Owwww…..shit Hutch, my head.”

In his haste to block Stephens’s jean wrangling Hutch dropped his partner’s head and it landed back down lightly onto the floor.

“Oh – hell sorry about that buddy. You ok? ”

“No I’m not! You just dropped my sore head on the floor – now it’s sorer than before. Could’ve given me some warning.”

“Starsky – its either cushion your head or lose your pants and your pride in front of at least six women. I had to make an executive decision here and fast.”

“Ken – look at those jeans. They are cutting his circulation off. I’m not sure why they are quite so tight, but that can’t be helping poor Dave right now. ”

Stephens lowered his voice to a whisper.

“Actually Ken, I noticed – err couldn’t help but notice when we were on the mat before – well – err…Starsky is rather …well..”

He just had to say it didn’t he? Just had to put it out there!

“It’s just nerves. He gets like that all the time. Means nothing. It’ll go away – always does. ”

“Well he can hardly be feeling nervous now and when he was unconscious and it’s still as …..Big…as it was before…perhaps when the ambulance comes…they can have a look at it.”

“Ambulance – did someone say ambulance? No ambulance. Hutch you know I hate ambulances….’Sides they’ll see my …..Hutch make sure they don’t come please. My heads ok. It’s the other end of me that I’m more worried about.”

“Look don’t get all stressed Starsk. I don’t think anyone even called an ambulance and if they did, well you’re getting checked over whether you like it or not. You’ve had a big crack on that thick head of yours and besides you had that headache all morning. Needs to be checked. You might need a stitch or two -”

Hutch broke off to push at Stephen’s hands again.

“Stephens I’m telling you one more time…..leave the jeans alone. ”

“Some decorum please Ken – Captain Stephens please – or Mark. Now this is certainly a problem down here. This needs ….well….I’ve never seen…..I think that Dave’s at risk of some sort of stricture or something here. Ken let me take these down lower to relieve the pressure.”

“CAPTAIN Stephens. Until I can get Starsky moved from here and moved safely when he is able to stand without dizziness, you are not removing his jeans. Is that understood? He’s had them on like this for a while and it hasn’t killed him yet. Now will you kindly remove your hands from my partner’s groin?”

Hutch hadn’t realized he was coming close to a snarl until he saw the indignant flash in his Stephen’s eyes and the tightening of his face into something suddenly approximating pumped up authority.

“ SERGEANT Hutchinson, I am this man’s superior and as such I have a say in how we handle his welfare.”

“And I’m this man’s PARTNER which in my book ranks higher and right now I don’t like the way you’re handling him at all so once more – LET GO!”

Was that a snigger? Several in fact and not just from the women. Starsky was shaking under his hands – he could feel it. And it was not a shake from pain, fear or cold.

Still with his hands stubbornly holding Stephens off he turned quickly and glared down at the impish grin on Starsky’s face as he lightly spluttered with laughter.

“Oh you’re so masterful when you’re in a hissy fit Hutch. C’mon you two – stop fighting over my body. But hell, Stephens is right Hutch – these jeans are really killing me now. I might end up with a permanent disability down there. Perhaps you’d better – let him just loosen the jeans a bit so that I can sit up and then…..I’ve really gotta ….you know…what I need to do again Hutch…..”

“Ok Ok….But you really should stay lying down for another five minutes and then sit up gradually. Can’t it wait?”

“Nope – I…err…don’t think it can…no….sorta need to real soon.”

Stephens looked a little confused.

“What exactly does he need…?…Oh ….Oh…..Then we’d better quickly undo them now or we’ll have a disaster here.”

“You can’t undo the fucking jeans I’ve told you! That’s the only layer he has on….Are you totally stupid, can’t you see that?”

“Yes …Yes I certainly can see now….yes my word…..well….my word….”

The unmistakable booming voice of Captain Dobey dropped down into the stairwell from above.

“Hutchinson! What is going on here? Can someone please tell me what is going on here? Turn my back for five minutes and….

Hutchinson! What the hell is happening? Why is Starsky on the ground and why are you and ….Mark? Why are you both holding onto Starsky’s pants?”

Hutch pivoted to look up at his burly and prickly Captain. Stephen’s face deepened to a deep red and he quickly snatched his hands away from Starsky’s crotch.

“Ah Harold there you are…you see Dave took a spill on the steps and we were –” He pushed himself up from his haunches feeling suddenly that it was important to be upright and away from the scene at his feet. As he levered himself up he unbalanced a little and quickly steadied himself with his right hand, his arm outstretched. His hand, like some heat seeking missile found its target again and pressed down into the bulging rigidity of Starsky’s groin.

With one deep yelp and shudder Starsky’s hand closed in spasm around Hutch’s wrist.

“OOOhhhhh…..Man…Oh that is so …Hutch let me get up ….oooohhhh…..no…Hutch…its gonna happen again…oh JESUS!”

Hutch’s head whipped back from Dobey to his groaning partner.

Stephen’s eyes looked down to where his hand had landed and his eyes bulged like golf balls in his head.

Starsky’s eyes started to narrow, glazing over with physiological frenzy.

His hand was squeezing Hutch’s forearm tightly and his breaths were accelerating with alarming speed…

“Hutch…..Oh God…..Oh God….Can’t stop it…Aaaagghhhh….”

Hutch snapped into action.

“Just wait, one second….one second more Starsky.”

He snapped his fingers loudly and held out his hand as if waiting for a scalpel – the women around him, his dutiful nurses.

“Towel! I need another towel now! Quickly!”

More towels were thrust at him. This time Hutch took every one of them.

One of the women asked the obvious – of course.

“Why do you need more towels?”

“I have to keep the patient warm and covered. Covered…. entirely….”

Frantically he layered Starsky’s tenting jean front with fluffy hot pink, powder blue and canary yellow towels. They kept slipping off as Starsky’s body bucked and his hips thrust wildly on the floor.

Hutch was sweating profusely with anxiety and effort to control his orgasmic partner.

Again the women screamed lightly. Some looked away.

Most moved closer and pushed each other for a better view.

“Oh My! Is he having a fit? Perhaps he really banged his head hard?”

“Yes…it looks like one of those epileptic seizures. Poor man and he was so cute too. Maybe he’ll never be the same again.”

I’m the one who’ll never be the same again lady. I’m a Detective Sergeant in the City Police Department and I’m presently holding my partner down while he is having one very memorable orgasm in the middle of a public stairwell in front of a crowd of sexually depraved woman and one sexually starved fairy who by the way happens to be our new boss. Oh and add in there – whilst being watched above from our totally disgusted Captain of Detectives.

Hutch wondered whether he might actually need to forcibly sit on top of his partner to control his gyrations. He vetoed that one quickly when he realized it would only probably serve to turn Starsky’s already electrified erogenous zone on more.

Another female voice chimed in.

“My cousin’s an epileptic and I tell you that looks nothing like the fits he has. Nothing at all. There’s no white froth coming out of his mouth – look.”

Lady, there may be no froth coming out of his mouth but…

Hutch tried to perish the thought as he valiantly struggled to keep the towels in place to disguise what he now suspected was lurking beneath. He could feel the dampness penetrating the towels.

Starsky! That must be a bucketful.

One thing for sure is that his partner was at the top of his game in virility.

The women weren’t all so dumb.

“I don’t know about you girls, but I am almost certain that was no fit he just had.”

“Yeah that little dance cutie pie just did on the floor looked more like something my son does in the television room when he thinks I can’t see him from the kitchen. After he’s been watching those naughty foreign late night movies.”

They all moved closer. Hutch could feel and smell their scented breaths on his neck.

It was one hell of a floorshow and he was certain that the local Community Centre had never seen anything like it before and never would again.

 

Chapter Seven

Suggestion to the Reader: This continuing little story is best consumed with a liberal dose of salt.

And then as suddenly as it had begun it was finished.

The storm that had ravaged Starsky passed over.

Huddled so close before, the small crowd drew back a little now – a reprieve for the man who held onto his partner (and his towels) with stoic determination to get him through the worst of it.

The lusty black demon that had flowed into his partner’s body and taken him for the ride of his life all but levitating him off the ground, had swept out again with an audible whoosh.

Well – that’s how it seemed to Hutch, but then again the sound was more likely Starsky’s sonorous exclamation at having reached the pinnacle of physical fulfillment. Either way Starsky was no longer racked by bone jarring rigidity and his iron grip on Hutch’s arm finally relaxed. Which was just as well as he feared that any longer and his wrist would have been snapped in two.

And Thank God!

Starsky had stopped moaning his name in steadily escalating gradations as he spiraled upwards to crest the wave of orgasm and release his own wave of what was now steadily soaking through the towels of many colors. Hutch was still busily tampering them down to conceal the worst of the evidence of his partner’s cataclysmic release.

Starsky’s body crumpled like a deflated pool toy and Hutch could only hope that the situation beneath the now damp towels was also in a state of deflation.

The semi deflated Starsky roused himself enough from his death knell to utter some passion filled words.

“Oh My God… that was so … so…ah…. so…..” But then the slurred words halted mid sentence and like some B grade movie finale, Starsky’s head slumped dramatically and his now weakened grip on Hutch’s wrist, slid away completely, his hand falling with a slap to the ground.

He sagged heavily into Hutch’s arms like some sort of swooning heroine.

If Hutch hadn’t known better he would have sworn that his partner was hamming it up. But the depth and quality of his breathing suggested otherwise.

Starsky was completely out to it.

The clustered ring of ladies were now divided on how they read the scenario.

There was obviously still one or two of them who retained a completely naïve appreciation of the performance that Starsky had just laid on for them.

“Oh No! Has he passed out again? Is he dead? He looks dead? Must have been one of those Grand things – grand fits –”

“Grand Mal and – no I told you Carol, it was not a Grand Mal seizure.”

“Then what the hell was that?”

“Oh come on you can’t be serious? You’re going to stand there after twenty-five years of marriage and tell me you don’t know what that just was?”

“Yeah – well of course – I’m not that dumb – but how? Why? Out of the blue like that?”

These women were amazing. It was though witnessing a grown man – a cop for Christ sake have a full blown orgasm in front of them for no apparent reason other than it just seemed to happen – really didn’t faze them one bit. Those who had looked shocked in the beginning had fast gotten over their squeamish reaction and had embraced the experience like they were privy to some live water birthing class.

It was too much. Just way too much! Were men ever this – this – gauche?

Or, Hutch considered – were they just prudish in comparison to these women of the world? Perhaps he should start catching up on some of those Cosmopolitans that Starsky’s closeted. Or maybe he was just getting too old and too conservative. Had the sexual revolution really had such an impact on Southern California? Were girls ever like this in Minnesota? Were the girls in Minnesota like that now? Did that mean he should go back for a quick visit? Or did it mean he should stay away?

These and many other social quandaries would have to wait because in front of him lay a more urgent matter – a far more pressing quandary.

A dead to the world partner covered in a mass of damp, odor of male pheromones towels – predominately pink in color.

“Ladies! Please! My partner has obviously had what is a perfectly normal biological reflex to a sudden blow to the head. These sorts of medical reactions often follow trauma to the brain.”

Shit that sounded good Hutchinson. Convincing? Hell yeah. You haven’t lost it. Still can rattle off enough medical jargon to fool anyone.

Besides his hypothesis wasn’t that far out of the realms of scientific possibility. Especially where Starsky was concerned. He could have a knee jerk reaction to just about any negative stimuli – and frequently did. This one was just a bit further north of the knee and well – a bit stronger in its force.

All very plausible and Starsky would owe him later for his smart mouth and his stint in college.

He wondered if that evened out some of the beer tab tally that his guilty conscience had already started chalking up earlier in the afternoon.

“Well then if that’s his reaction – he looks like he’s not responding – he sure looks bad again.”

Lady – that’s because he’s dead to the world asleep. Great, just freaking great! Now what?

“It looks to me like he’s just crashed out to grab some Z’s after shaking his Tootsie all over the floor. I think girls, that our cute instructor is all spent. He’s all used up. Can’t go the yards. ”

This lurid observation was rewarded with a cacophony of hoots of laughter. Insider laughter. Female humor and scary female behavior. Dark places where humble dumb men weren’t permitted to go and were too afraid to anyway. Hutch was starting to feel like he had stepped into some sleazy bar in the late afternoon where the patrons were all women and the strippers were all male.

“Typical male. Two minutes of action and sixty minutes to recover.”

“Should just get him a pillow and a blanket and let him sleep there for the night.”

Oh so very very clever aren’t you all?

But, the women were spot on.

Starsky’s post climatic stupor was always heavy and long – he had been known to remain semi comatose following a descent into its abyss. Many a time Hutch had despaired that he would never be able to get him to wake up for work after an all night sexual marathon with one of his hot new little numbers. This sexual release had to be up there with the biggest and the best of those all night marathons so the question was – how was he going to get him to wake up and move?

And move is what Hutch wanted to do now more desperately than ever. He was through with this live theatre where there was too much smutty dialogue and way too much skin. He was through with the gaggle of pushy opinionated women who had Starsky pinned like a butterfly and most of all he was through with the effeminate pompous Stephens who had caused all this drama in the first place.

If not for him he and Starsky would be long gone now and he could be nursing his first beer of an afternoon that if ever an afternoon called for a beer it was this one! Starsky could have taken his tortured lower half to the bedroom where he could do with himself whatever was required to bring it to submission and leave him in damn peace.

“Starsky come on buddy. Got to get you out of here now. We’re clogging up the stairway and my knees are giving in. Starsky. Starsky. Wake up. ”

“Looks a bit like my Frank – though Frank would be snoring like a train by now too. He’d be hardly lying there like some half dead dog.”

She looked a little incredulous, a little overwhelmed when she wholeheartedly added.

“Wow your partner really dies after a big session doesn’t he?”

Hutch flinched at the three-letter word in the same sentence as his partner It was something that they both never liked to hear made about each other – even in jest. He studied Starsky’s dormant body and shook him again, this time more purposefully.

“Starsky? Starsk. Wake up. Hey wake up!”

With all the melodrama of the last five minutes he had relegated the importance of the fall and the head blow. Had he actually missed the fact that Starsky was seriously hurt?

Was this just really deep sleep or…something more serious?

God now he was worried…..what if Starsky was concussed and not just sexed out zombified?

Hutch carefully pulled the bloodied towel away from the back of his partner’s head to check whether the bleeding from the cut had completely stopped. It had – so that was a relief. He moved the towels completely away now and put Starsky’s head back down.

“Hey…quit movin’ my head around. I was comfy like it was.”

So another false alarm…sounds like his normal self.

“OK – now Starsky stay awake. We’ve got to get you up and down the stairs. Think you can stand up now? Head not spinning or anything?”

“Nope…just want to go to sleep – can’t you turn off the lights and leave me alone.”

“Starsky you’re lying on the floor in a stairwell at the entrance of a building. You can’t go to sleep here – rather, you can’t go back to sleep. Let’s get you up.”

Hutch watch the redness creep up Starsky’s neck. Even for him, with his deeper coloring – it was an impressive blush.

“Remembering now?”

“Ahhh …shit….ahh…I didn’t ya’ know? I didn’t did I? Hutch? I did, yes I did…Oh.”

His voice croaked and then stopped when he caught sight of the hovering female faces.

Hutch merely raised his eyebrows north and bent lower to the beet red face.

“Ummm…let’s put it this way buddy, you should be feeling a little better in a particular part of your body if you get my drift.”

“I should?”

Starsky appeared to tune in to that particular part of his body.

“Hey! You’re right Hutch. I do….Oh the relief. Oh…..never thought it would feel normal again.”

“Yeah well it may not last. Could build up again soon – so let’s get going.”

Together they got him up to a sitting position.

Stephen’s jumped once more into the fray to assist and Starsky pulled back so violently that Hutch nearly lost his grip on him again.

“Captain – Mark…we’re fine here. We’ll manage. I’ve got him.”

“No not at all Ken – here let me help you stand him up. Dave you may be very dizzy.”

“Really Captain we’re fine.” Hutch held his hands up to ward Stephen’s back. The look on Starsky’s face suggested that if Stephen’s laid one more finger on him again he would deliver a violent uppercut to his new relieving Captain.

It seems that Stephen’s got the message just in time and Starsky’s fist unfurled. Hutch breathed again.

Would this nightmarish afternoon ever end? That’s all we need – Starsky taking down the acting Captain. Not that he didn’t deserve it.

He looked up now at the pole-axed Dobey who was still standing looking down on the scene – assimilating each piece of the mayhem. He was not helping in the least to put a stop to Stephen’s persistent interference. His broad creased face was masked with false severity. Hutch knew his captain better than that. Beneath the disapproving huffiness, he knew that Dobey was barely holding himself together.

He was enjoying this!

“Cap’n – please?”

If you don’t do something soon I won’t be responsible for Starsky putting Stephen’s through that plate glass window – in fact, I will be happy to help him.

Hutch implored his Captain with just the right amount of disapproval at the fact that his superior could find this whole denigrating experience – humorous.

His Captain didn’t let him down, and pulled himself up tall as he attempted to pull the Rank card and sort out the live comedy in the stairwell.

“Now ladies – it’s time you all moved along. Please – this area needs to be cleared and we need to get this officer moved – urgently. His partner needs to get him to an Emergency Centre for assessment – so everyone – step back please while we move him.”

“Reckon the only emergency treatment he needs is shower and a bed.”

“Or perhaps a cigarette!”

More squalls of laughter and Hutch couldn’t be sure but he thought that the small crowd had even swollen in size as other women had sidled up to see what all the fuss was about.

Dobey voice dropped a few levels and he pulled out the big guns now.

“Captain Stephens can you please escort these ladies out so that we can clear this area. Hutchinson I suggest you bring your vehicle up to the front entrance now and we can load Starsky – ah – the patient in as quickly as possible. I’ll stay here with him until you get back. Once more – ladies move away please. This is no laughing matter. An officer is down here and we need to get him up and out of the public walkway. ”

Stephens was rounding the women up like some mother goose – clucking at their queries and directing them toward the exit door.

“Hey what about our towels?” One of the women shot at Hutch.

Would you seriously want them back? Seriously? How can I hand back a bunch of hand towels covered in …

At the same time Starsky looked down at the small bundle of colored terry cloths bundled near his hip and swallowed convulsively.

He looked from the towels to the women to Hutch.

Did I do that?

You sure did partner – all your handiwork – and you’ll be the one washing them.

Hutch was grateful for Stephens’s feminine alignments as he parried the question with grace and speed.

“Now ladies I will ensure that your towels are all laundered and returned to this Centre by tomorrow afternoon. You were all so kind with your assistance to provide the towels to Sergeant Hutchinson at his time of need.”

Not my time of need you Fairy – Starsky’s…. But, well said all the same Stephens. At least you’re useful for something.

As the brightly coloured ensemble of leotards filed out there were plenty of parting wishes for “Cutie’s recovery” “Teddy Bear’s head” and ” Honey Pie’s sweet tushie.”

The blush was back again with ferocity but this time Starsky was smiling broadly at his small fandom. With a regal wave he lightly thanked his well wishers and visibly sparked up from his sleepy state.

Hutch moaned inwardly and wondered how long it would take for Starsky to let him forget the adulation he was receiving. There would be more than his lower anatomy that would remain swollen if he took those sugary comments seriously.

Out of the two, Hutch decided he would far prefer to deal with Starsky’s inflated groin than his swollen head. At least his erection would eventually shrink. The Starsky ego when it came out to play took a hell of a lot of beating to bring it down to size.

 

Chapter Eight

“You stay in that tub any longer and you’ll have more than an erection to worry about. Your dick will shrivel up and fall off from being waterlogged.”

“Just shut up will ya’ Hutch and hand me another beer. It’s your shout. You still owe me plenty more from makin’ me jump around on that mat with the Fairy in the leotard.”

“That’s if you don’t end up drowning first from drunken and disorderly bathing. I’ve already had to dodge one near miss with giving you mouth to mouth today so don’t make me have to drag you out of a tub to resuscitate you tonight. I haven’t got the energy left for any more dramatic rescue scenes. ”

“Nothin’ else I can really do ‘kept sit in here and soak it in cool water. It’s damn well on fire and I swear my skin is gonna peel off if I yank off once more.

” Well I think its’ time you gave up on the bathtub because I for one am not going to spend another hour checking to make sure you haven’t drowned from delayed concussion or unconsciousness. The last place you should be after a whack to the head is in a bathtub unattended.”

“But I’m not unattended. You’re sittin’ there naggin’ at me.”

“Yes and I’m tired of sitting on this hard tile floor drinking my beer. I’d much rather be sitting on a nice soft couch watching some TV or reading my book. This has been a day from hell and sitting here watching you, watching your dick is not making it any better.”

“Hey? And what will happen to me if I fall asleep or go unconscious and slide down and drown?”

Starsky pushed aside the cooling bubbles and stared with weary fascination at his inflamed but persistently engorged erection.

“This is unbelievable! I can’t see why any normal guy would want to do this to himself. This Big Boy will not lie down.”

“That’s the whole point dummy. The Viagra is not meant to be taken by “normal” functioning men. Just old guys who can’t get it up anymore. You’ve just had an extreme reaction because you’re virile.”

“Why Hutch – is that a compliment or are you comin’ onto me? Maybe my superior masculinity is turnin’ you on too. Everyone seems to be noticin’ my special talent below the waist. ”

“Like I said, your ‘special talent’ is all due to the drug. By tomorrow it will back down to its normal unimpressive state. Anyway must be nearing the end of its effectiveness by now for Christ’s sake. It’s been hours and hours. ”

“Yeah, but as you said Hutch, I have extra male virility. Those gym ladies could sense it. They knew a real man when they saw one. They were all pretty impressed. Couldn’t take their eyes off a me.”

“Well it’s damn hard not to take your eyes off someone who’s having a full blown orgasm in a public place right in full view of a crowd. Jesus! What a spectacle you put on.”

Starsky finally looked a little sheepish, a little embarrassed.

“Wasn’t my fault. That stupid Stephens groped me right in my most sensitive spot. Just hit the Go button for me and well….you know how it ended.”

“Yeah – with you yelling and moaning my name out for all the freaking world to hear. Christ Starsky. I sincerely hope that you didn’t caught on the security tapes. Maybe we’ll have to find a reason to check that out and get rid of them if you were filmed. The footage would resemble some cheap porn flick.”

“Hey you know I wasn’t callin’ your name out like that…Jeez. It’s just that…you were there…and …it seemed natural to call out your name and let you know what a great time I was havin’. ”

“Oh don’t worry buddy, I was in no doubt about that one. Everyone in that room knew what a great time you were having.”

“Did I really moan out your name? Like in that sorta way? Shit you’re right. It would have looked bad.”

Suddenly Starsky’s worried face brightened.

“Hey but that could’ve worked to my advantage. Stephens probably thought we were …well …you know…like lovers. He’ll back off now that he thinks you’re my main squeeze. Yeah – like I’m already spoken for. Yeah – like, ‘back off Stephens, that man’s mine!’ ”

” Starsky that makes absolutely no sense at all. You’re saying that in order to deter a homosexual from coming on to you – you’d plan to pretend to be a homosexual who is already involved romantically. Wouldn’t it be better, simpler, easier – and just more honest to be who you are. A heterosexual who is not interested in your new homosexual Captain?”

Starsky chewed on that for a minute and sank down lower in the tub with a sulky pout.

“Why do you always have to act so logical Hutch?”

“Anyway even though you used my name I still think that Stephens got a real blast out of the whole thing. He looked like he was going to self implode with the excitement of it all so I wonder if it was as good for Stephens as it was for you Starsky? Have to ask him tomorrow. Maybe you and he could have some repeat performances in his office.”

“Now hold on Hutch. Not funny at all – and just remember smart ass that I might have got a bang to the head, but I clearly remember that you set me up with that Lycra’d Fairy.”

“How are you going to survive with him for a whole month?”

“What do you mean..how am I gonna survive with him? What about you? Last time I looked you were also a man. You’ll be in his sights too. ”

“Oh come on Starsky! It’s pretty clear that our new Captain only has eyes for you – and your super male virility.”

Hutch was laughing now and quickly dodged the slippery bar of soap that came flying across the room and hit the tiled floor with a thud.

“Next time I won’t miss.” Starsky growled.

“Do you know I actually think that Stephens thought your very stubborn display of umm – talent below the waist – was a direct response to him. I truly think he believes you were turned on by him and that’s why he was all over you.”

“Oh No! No! You can’t be serious Hutch. Oh God …I’m starting to feel sick. I …..you mean …..urgggghhhhh!”

“Well look at it from his point of view. You met him and straight away, boom – right in front of his eyes you produced a big hard on. Natural conclusion for him to make. Then on the steps, he touched you – well he did , don’t shake your head, he did. He grabbed your crotch and what happened? What was the immediate response you gave? You threw yourself around the place like you’d never been so sexually turned on in your life and had a huge orgasm. In his eyes – you were hooooooottttttt for him. So hot!”

“I’m gonna’ kill ya’ any minute Hutch if you say one more word.”

“HOT HOT….”

“Stop it…”

“Hot for Stephens.”

“Stop it now Hutch I’m warnin’ ya'”

“I could barely hold you down you were thrusting yourself at him like some wild dog. He’s already salivating waiting for you to arrive at the precinct in the morning.”

“That’s it!”

With a mad giggle Hutch was up and sliding on the damp tiled floor , swerving just in time to avoid the back scrubbing brush as it crashed near his head.

“Missed again, Hotshot!”

He had made it out the door and into the living room before he heard the loud yell and the sound of water slapping over the sides of the tub.

“Fucking hell! How’s a man s’posed to get up quickly and run with a ten inch hard on in the way?”

It was just too much to resist. He doubled back and taunted through the open door.

“Who’re kidding? More like four inch if you’re lucky.”

Obviously the bathroom has more ammo stocked in it than he realized. Another missile came sailing toward him with a four letter oath accompanying it.

“Hey Starsky, things are bad when you need to resort to throwing your rubber ducky. ”

“Just wait till I get out there and you’ll see what I can do with that rubber duck. You’ll be wearing it in places that rubber ducks were never meant to be.”

Still laughing Hutch grabbed another beer and flopped on the couch.

Well at least I managed to get you out of the damn bathtub.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooO OOoooOOOooo

“Hey did I tell you how good it feels not to have a stiff cock rammed into my jeans anymore?”

“Ah, let me think. Only fourteen times since you woke up this morning and I guess with this one – that takes it to fifteen. Yes you have.”

“You know I really could do without sex for the next week at least. Don’t think my balls and the skin on my poor Big Boy could take it.”

“Oh really – a whole week? Jeez Starsky don’t push yourself. After all a week is one hell of a long time…..”

Hell I’m feeling a little inadequate here. I can go a month without getting any and here he is thinking a whole week is a lifetime. But there’s no need for Starsky to know that – he’s already thinking he’s king in that department.

“Really? Hmmmnn. Strange that you say that Hutch. After all I know for a fact you can go a whole month without getting any and still don’t get uptight.”

Was there no privacy, no barriers, and no frontiers that their knowledge of each other had not crossed? Obviously not. Smart mouth!

“What are you referring to as Big Boy?”

Hutch looked down at his partner’s lap as they were driving along.

“Nothing big about it this morning. Told you, when the drug wore off you’d return to being a mere mortal man like the rest of us. Well like most men – myself excluded of course. Nothing mortal or mere about my ah. – Big Boy.”

Take that you smart-ass!

Miraculously Starsky offered no kick back.

“What – given up the fight of macho male quips already? Not like you Starsk?”

The big Starsky grin was in place and he waved his arms about expansively as they pulled into the precinct garage.

“Nope – just happy to have my groin feelin’ comfortable again. Enjoyin’ the freedom of my legs bein’ able to move and my jeans bein’ able to fit. Too happy to argue – ‘sides I’ve had enough dick puns to last me a year.”

“Well as much as I agree with that Partner – you’d better get ready for a lot more because as soon as we hit that squad room you know the boys will be waiting for a report on how their pill trick worked out for you yesterday.”

Starsky groaned.

“Shit yeah! I’d almost forgotten. What the hell? How should I play it do ya’ think? I don’t want to give Mike and Eddie the satisfaction of thinkin’ they got me good and proper.”

“Starsky – they did get you good and proper. Ten fold.”

Hutch suddenly took pity on his miserable looking friend whose brief delight in enjoying the benefits of a non-erectile penis were quickly forgotten. Crestfallen, his face showed the hesitancy of entering the building where he knew his fate was inevitable. Within minutes of opening the squad room doors he would become the butt of a hundred sick, dick puns by an office full of elbow jabbing cops.

Starsky had the air about him of a man about to walk to the gallows.

“They’re goin’ to make me a laughin’ stock Hutch. I wished I had time to figure out how to get back at em’. I guess there’s all sorts of ways I could get revenge but I haven’t had time to plan it for this morning. I’d need much more time and opportunity. So there it is, I’m stuck. ….. I had a terrible day yesterday and now I’m gonna have a worse one today. I shoulda’ called in sick like I was gonna do.”

“Starsky if you’d done that you’d have just been playing straight into their hands. They’d know then that they’d have gotten to you badly. Besides you’d only have to face them tomorrow and it’d be worse the longer you leave it. ”

“Dunno. When I was a kid it always seemed to work – putting things off. Hidin’ under the covers that sort of thing. Shit….I know…but ….”

Hutch decided to let him off the hook. The woebegone face was breaking down his defenses.

He sighed.

“Look. Let me handle them.”

“Huh? What do ya’mean? Handle them? Hutch I know we have each other’s backs but I don’t think it’d go down too well punching up Mike and Eddie when they duck out to the water cooler. ”

“No you big dope. I don’t mean let me rough them up, I mean just let me handle the situation – about what happened yesterday. I’ve got an idea.”

“You do? Really? An idea? What sorta idea? ”

Starsky’s expression was a classic Starsky special. Hutch never knew how he could convey so many different emotions with one pull of his facial muscles and eyes but he did. His guileless face registered doubt, optimism, curiosity, skepticism and admiration all at one time.

It made Hutch glad he had put the look there.

“You’ll see. May not work too well – in which case tomorrow it will be Plan B. Plan B – your idea of what I know you would think constitutes a suitable revenge.”

“Plan B – my idea of revenge? Oh yeah – you’re talking –”

“Don’t bother Starsky I already know you’ve got the shopping list worked out. Laxatives, fart pillows, fake blood, buckets of water over the doors, super glue on the toilet seat…..”

“Hey – gee – that’s amazin’ Hutch. How’d you know that’s what I’d been thinkin’ of gettin’ set up?”

As they climbed out of the Torino and headed inside, Hutch just rolled his eyes heavenward.

“Oh – I don’t know. Lucky guess I suppose.”

 

Chapter Nine

“Ah Shit Hutch. Wouldn’t ya’ know it? They’re both here already, punching the clock earlier than usual and at their freakin’ desks and it’s not even gone nine. They’re waitin’ for me I knew it! I just God Damn knew it!…”

Starsky swallowed as he caught sight of the small contingency in the squad room which included Mike and Eddie and a couple of other uniforms. They were perched lazily on their seats or corners of their desks but were still alert and looking expectedly at the two in the outer hallway. It was very obvious that he was the floorshow and that the audience were now sitting forward in their seats just waiting for the curtains to go up.

“Calm it Starsk. I told you, I’ve got this. If you show them you’re uptight they’ll have you. Now why don’t you go down to Records and get those two files we were supposed to pull yesterday but which we never got to.”

“Huh? What files?”

“There are no files Starsky… but just pretend that there are files – down in Records. Just take a little time while pulling those files and then come back to your desk ok? But make sure you do come back or they’ll think something’s fishy. And say nothing about yesterday unless you take my cue.”

“I dunno Hutch. I reckon it would just be easier to turn around and go home. After all I’m still not feelin’ too good…my private parts are red raw and I swear my left hand has got blisters on it from all the rubbing.”

“Well isn’t that just what your Mother told you would happen if you didn’t learn to keep your hand above the sheets?”

Starsky narrowed his eyes at him and exhaled.

Hutch gave him a long look and cocked his head in the direction of the squad room and then back towards the Records Room in the opposite direction.

“There’s no way you’ll get past this unless you walk through the middle of this Starsky. It’s just one of those trials of fire in life where you do it or perish.”

“Ok Ok I hear ya’. But ya’ know what Hutch?”

He turned in the direction of Records.

“What?”

“That headache I had yesterday? It’s nothin’ compared to the one I can feel comin’ on now.”

“Just promise me then that you won’t take any more strange pills from dubious characters lurking near water coolers ok? Keep your hands in your pockets and accept no offers of medication and then maybe you’ll be better able to keep your dick from busting out of your jeans.”

Hutch snorted at his own derision and pushed through the doors into the morning mêlée.

As soon as he threw his jacket down he sensed it. The hunters were waiting for the wounded prey to enter the lair.

Luckily however Starsky had headed in the opposite direction. The air was crackling with suppressed laughter and the non-verbals and smirking faces were about as subtle as a poorly disguised surprise party. Mike looked around the tall blond almost as though expecting the other half of the duo to be bringing up the rear. There was a moment of disappointment and deflation when the men realized that the star of the show was in fact missing.

“Hey Ken? Where’s ya other half? Thought he came in with you?”

Not half obvious, Mike. At least you could try for a small bit of subtly.

Hutch looked semi- preoccupied as he shuffled a few things about on his desk and scratched at the back of his neck.

“What? Oh – Starsky? Yeah he’s in, just had to go down to Records to pull some files on some damn case Dobey left for us to tie up while he’s gone. Why? Did you want him for something?”

Smirks and averted eyes passed between Mike, Eddie and two of the other guys who were by now in on the joke where Starsky and his wilful genitals had top billing.

“Ahh…No. Just wondering how he pulled up yesterday afternoon with that bad headache he had around lunchtime? Seemed like a real killer…when we went off shift he was still complaining about it. Thought he might have ended up …well….having to go home ….he was so bad. But I know he had the meeting with the new Captain in the afternoon.”

At the mention of Stephens Hutch nearly got sidetracked from his strategy and looked quickly over at Dobey’s closed door as though at any moment the relieving Captain himself might sweep out in all of his Lycra clad glory.

Thank God the door to Dobey’s office remained closed and there seemed to be no action forthcoming from it.

“Headache? Oh yeah…yeah he did mention that yesterday morning, but no it must have cleared up pretty quickly. We had that gig down at the Community Centre in the afternoon. Starsky had to run through some self-defense moves with the ladies down at the Centre. Well, shit, if Starsky had a headache then it sure didn’t seem to be bothering him then. Christ! Wow! I’m feeling just a bit inferior in comparison.”

The room suddenly became quiet as though sensing that this was the news they were all waiting for. Surely now Hutch was going to launch into a vivid description of the the disaster that Starsky’s erection had caused. All men leaned forward to focus in on Hutch’s words. He felt quite smug that his dramatic intro had them all lapping up his words.

They think I’m going to tell them all about Starsky’s embarrassing, painful and interminable penile erection.

And, God, there was a lot to tell them about Starsky’s embarrassing, painful and interminable penile erection.

But he wouldn’t.

He wouldn’t give them the satisfaction. Besides if anyone was going to use his buddy as an object of ridicule, it would be him – and only him. No one else got license to do that. And if they did, and if he became aware of it – well then – there were ways to take care of them.

No one messed with Starsky and came out unscathed.

Not on his watch.

“Actually – did I say a bit inferior? Jesus H. Christ – make that A LOT inferior.”

“Inferior? Like how do you mean inferior Ken?”

There were leering smiles now and obviously they thought that this was where he was going to describe the end result that three deviously slipped Viagra pills may well have had on Starsky’s lower anatomy.

Hutch looked a little hesitantly to the door as if worried that at any moment the man in question might walk back in.

He leaned in closer to the all male circle and lowered his voice as though sharing some dirty locker room tidbits.

“I can’t explain it. There were all of these women – Jesus heaps of them, some hot babes too – all squeezed into their little shimmery leotards, curves in all the right places – Christ have you ever noticed how Lycra shows of a woman’s flesh almost more than if she was standing naked in front of you?”

No not likely, but by the excitement on their faces it looked like they wouldn’t mind the opportunity to experience what Hutch was describing. One of the guys licked his lips, another coughed self-consciously.

Hutch continued while he had their full concentration.

“Well anyway – Starsky got to do the moves on the mat – he is after all a hell of a lot better at that sort of stuff than I am. Moves like a panther – that’s what I heard one of the women say anyway. Like a ‘sleek panther’ that’s what she called it. Anyway I tell you – I don’t know what it was with him yesterday, but shit! Did he have IT ? I’ve never seen a roomful of gorgeous babes go so hot for him ever before. They fucking couldn’t take their eyes off him I tell you. I don’t know why? I mean what would be any different with him than any other day? But – well in the end it was like we had to fight our damn way out of the place. They were all clambering over him, trying to grab at him , calling him just about every hot come on name you can think of.”

The men were boggled eyed and Mike looked uncertain as to why this story was not unfolding how he had imagined it would.

“Dobey just about had a fit! All I can say, is that you never really know your partner. I mean, hell, I thought I knew Starsky – really knew him. But I guess I never had any idea that he has such raw magnetism with the ladies. Funny thing, he didn’t even to seem to think that it was out of the ordinary. As though he was used to women throwing themselves at him like that. But I have never seen it like that before. Maybe he is a dark horse.”

By now Mike and Eddie were exchanging heavy looks – Mike like the cat that has almost, but not quite managed to get the canary look , Eddie with a dumbstruck confused look. They looked, Hutch thought, as though they were waiting for the missing piece of information that so far he had not mentioned. The missing link that would explain all of this sexual magnetism that had oozed out of his partner.

Hutch knew what they were waiting for him to mention. That throughout all of this, the afternoon at the Community Center – that Starsky had sported a strange and inexplicable dominant and obstinate erect penis.

But Hutch didn’t add that at all. Mike and Eddie were left hanging – mouths slightly agape as though someone needed to egg Hutch along to finish the story.

He could almost hear them asking, insisting…..

“But what about his huge hard on! Tell us about that. The hard on! You haven’t mentioned it yet. That’s the most important part of the story and you haven’t said one word about Starsky’s dick! We want some suffering here! We want some value for those three fucking Viagra pills. They don’t grow on trees you know…”

Hutch waited a few moments and let them sweat a bit more. He then looked a little amused at his own thoughts as though he was recalling, thinking back on something humorous about the day before. He thought to himself that he had perfected that look quite well because they were once more waiting to hear what he had to say.

When the time was just right and the men were once more ripe for the picking – he shared it.

A light chuckle and a shake of his head as though he was incredulous at his own thoughts had Mike curious – desperate almost for something more that would tell him that his dirty little trick had hit home base with Starsky.

“So what’s so funny now? How did Starsky seem? I mean – you said he was not normally like that? So …..well I mean….what was different about him yesterday. Come on share it – we all wanna know don’t we boys?”

“No – not about Starsky.” Hutch shook his head. ” I’m having a laugh about those women. You know when Starsky was on the mat going through all the moves, they broke up into groups and well this one lot came over near where I was sitting near the stage and they were all talking among themselves.”

“Yeah? Yeah? And what?”

Hutch spluttered and then spluttered again for good measure.

“One said – and I kid you not – these were exact words….’Have you ever seen such a total stud before like that in your life? Look how he’s hung!'”

“No, don’t laugh boys, this is true. They were going on about how Starsky was built like some Greek Adonis and I don’t think they were just talking about his pecs if you know what I mean. They couldn’t get their eyes off his crotch. The whole fucking time we were there! Then they all joked about it. One woman said that the only way she has ever seen her husband ever look like that for more than five minutes was when he gets his hands on those – shit…..what are those damn tablets that old geezers have to take when they can’t ever get it up? Do you know?”

Hutch looked hopefully for inspiration from the other men but found only lowered eyes and red faces so he plowed on regardless.

“Oh …yeah,” he clicked his fingers as though it had just come to him,  ”Viagra that’s the name of them – Viagra – old man stuff for old saggy dicks – yes Viagra. So they were saying…that their husbands have to depend on taking these pills in order to get it up and keep it up for more than say five minutes. They were fucking gob smacked that Starsky had a hard on – I think the women were turning him on, I tell him he’s got to learn to control that damn cock of his when there’s hot babes around. I’m telling you this hard on of his just never gave up all the time he was in front of these babes – that just went on and on and on. And – well, obviously they loved every bit of it. “

He punched out the laughter now – pushed himself to bring tears to his eyes. His performance had to be good.

“So, here’s Starsky with this God Almighty woody that wouldn’t go down because he was so turned on by rolling around this mat with these hot little bods all trussed into their skin-tight leotards, and here’s these women all comparing him to what they miss out with their saggy dicked husbands who have to resort to taking geriatric medication to get it up at all. What a blast! Those women had a great sense of humor. I think most of them wanted to put Starsky in their gym bag and take him home! Can’t blame them if they’ve got husbands who have to swallow freaking little pills to give them some pleasure. No wonder they had the hots for Starsky. They were describing him like…”Now that’s how a man’s dick should look. Naturally standing up to attention.”

“Hell, what a bunch of feisty women. All in all it wasn’t a bad way to spend an afternoon on paid duty time.”

When he finally drew breath and looked up, the picture of the other mens’ faces was priceless. It looked like someone had just told the four of them that they were about to be castrated. Four pairs of eyes were looking down into their four laps and four bodies shuffled uncomfortably on hard chairs as if by simply moving their pelvises the center of their manhood might look more sizeable through their trousers.

Mission accomplished. He only hoped that he hadn’t laid it on too thick…

Hutch could see Starsky coming down the hall so he hurried on. Just one more nail in the coffin should do it.

“So you guys does that surprise you? That Viagra shit? Surprised the hell out of me! I’d never known that there were actually men out there – our age for Christ sake who must really need to take that stuff – that Viagra stuff. When I heard these women, I mean some of them were only in their early thirties, I’m thinking, hell that means their poor bastard husbands are so limp that they need to take Viagra. Shit did you know that? I sure didn’t. Live and learn. Live and learn – that’s what Starsky and I were laughing about last night over some beers. We just don’t know how lucky we are to have …..well…normal sexual function I guess. Just look at Starsky! Mid thirties and he can still keep a fucking impressive hard on for as long as it’s needed.  I’ve never known a boner to keep on keeping on. He’s obviously got the stamina – lasted hours. We should count ourselves lucky boys. Lucky that none of us ever need to take that old man stuff.”

Hutch finished with a flourish just as Starsky pushed into the room with a ridiculously large bundle of files tumbling out of his arms. It was not half obvious that he was trying to shield his face behind the towering pile.

Had he left ANY files back in Records, Hutch wondered.

“Hey Starsky don’t you agree?” Hutch called out to his partner. It’d be fucking embarrassing wouldn’t it?”

He tried to meet his partner’s eyes – which was not easy to do when Starsky was cowering behind the stack of files.

Take my cue – remember? Starsky take my cue!

“What’s embarrassing,” Starsky mumbled. “I missed it? “

“I was just telling the guys that we were having some beers last night and discussing how embarrassing it must be to be only our age and have to need to take pills to get it up. Like those husbands of the ladies in the class were talking about remember?  How their husbands take that new stuff, Viagra – to get it up.”

For one moment Starsky looked terrified that this was veering too close to an area that he thought Hutch was meant to have taken care of in his absence. Still he took his Hutch’s mark and played along, his face clearing into shared agreement with his partner.

“Oh that!” Starsky shook his head. “Yeah….fucking tragic. But I guess it’s out there. Seems its not just old wrinklies doing it, but well, guys who just can’t keep their women satisfied anymore. Guys who can’t manage to even get it to half mast. “

With an oath he relinquished his tenuous hold on the files and they scattered over his and Hutch’s desks. Hutch glowered at him and then quickly recovered to quickly resume the plot.

“Pitiful if you ask me. I said that to you last night didn’t I Starsky? Pitiful that a healthy grown man can’t rely on his own sexual stamina to keep on going.”

“Now Hutch don’t be so judgmental. You just never know – there could be men among us, good men that we know, who need that sorta help. “

“Yeah you’re right Starsky. There for the Grace of God and all that shit…Hey, but there’s one thing for sure buddy…there is no way in hell you’ll ever need to be checking into the Doc’s to get that sort of fake shit. Not with what those women got an eyeful of yesterday! Sergeant Stud is that what they called you? Detective Dick.”

Mike and Eddie looked directly at Starsky. Starsky looked directly at Mike and Eddie.

A brief silence ensued.

Don’t ruin it now Starsky!

A faint blush rose on the olive face and Starsky ducked his head in his best “aw-shucks” impression that was probably one of the best “aw- shucks” impressions done in the squad room in recent times.

“Don’t be modest buddy….I was just telling the boys here that you’ll be seventy and you still won’t need to resort to taking any shit like some guys need to take to keep a woody going on for hours. You’ll still be pulling the babes in when you’re an old man.”

“Well partner – I always did tell you I had the muscle in this outfit. Seems like those ladies yesterday agree – I think they kinda liked my muscle.”

Drum roll you bastards. Take that for an innuendo. That’ll teach you to try to force feed me your little dick hardening pills. And to think I called you Pillanthropists. What a waste of a good pun!

Whatever Hutch had said to these four buffoons when he was in Records, had certainly done the job. Mike and Eddie were cornered…trapped by their own attempt to trap somehow else in their stupid prank.

Starsky couldn’t believe that he was going to walk out of this unscathed. Not only had Hutch painted it so that he was Mr. Penis personified and proud to be tagged with the ribbon, he was also Lady Killer of the month. Mike and Eddie could never take the glory for it unless they fell prey to Hutch’s cruel ridicule of all Viagra taking desperadoes. It was highly unlikely that they would be keen to reveal themselves as being in the category of men suffering from prematurely soft cocks.

And just when Starsky was beaming at his partner thinking how very smart he was and how very devious too, Hutch just went and raised the bar one notch higher in the stakes of deviant avenger.

Mike and Eddie had just both conveniently decided that it was time to exit left and hit the hallway for some much-needed air and debriefing. It seemed that now that their egos were as deflated as their penises felt – there was only one thing to do – go to the men’s room and see whether or not they were as pathetically shriveled up as they imagined after Hutch’s delivery.

But before they executed their escape Hutch threw the last barb and it was a doozy.

“Hey Mike by the way!”

“Yeah?” Mike turned around, listless and stooped, looking more and more like he might truly be of an age where he might actually qualify for legitimate use of his little blue pills.

“Did your wife mention anything to you last night?” Hutch asked. “Gloria isn’t it?”

Mike seemed genuinely confused at the question.

“No. Why? What about?”

“Oh I thought she would have said something. No? Just that she was one of the women in Starsky’s class yesterday.”

Hutch winked mischievously at poor Mike who was now coloring redder than Hutch thought anyone could every color.

“Gloria? Gloria was there? I had no idea. She never said.”

“Sure she was. Nice lady. Oops, Oh no … damn that was insensitive of me. I know what you’re probably thinking , but hey don’t worry. She wasn’t in that group that was badmouthing their husbands. You’ve got nothing to worry about in that department, I’m sure.….”

For a moment Mike looked like he might say something, but in the end he just grunted lightly and walked away.

Beaten down. His ego, his manhood completely deflated.

The jokes today were on him and not on Starsky.

Starsky walked up to the desk where Hutch had now taken a seat and faced his blond partner. Hutch had turned his back to the door and to the two other men who still remained in the room.

Hutch smiled up at him and brushed his arm.

“Feeling better buddy? You walked through the fire and survived.” He spoke quietly so their voices did not carry.

“Buddy, I think it was more of a case of you doing a complete fireman lift and running through with me on your back. My feet didn’t even touch the hot floor. Looks like I won’t be needing those party tricks after all. Mind you I could still put a fart cushion somewhere near Mike’s ass later in the week…”

“Ha! I’d say that Mike’s whole lower regions are already feeling pretty compromised. Poor guy will probably spend the next week checking himself out in the bathroom mirror. Anyway …what’s most important is that by my calculations – partner – we are now back to a clean slate as regards how many beers I owe you. Wouldn’t you say?”

“Well that sure was a job well done – partner. But the beer tally depends.” He was facing the squad room windows and looking out to the hallway. His eyes were tracking something and he was not looking at Hutch as he spoke.

“Depends? On what?” Hutch demanded.  “Come on Starsky I just gave a performance of a lifetime. You came out of that looking like some Playboy of the Year and never ever will Mike and Eddie spread it around about you and your … very impressive hard on.”

“True, very true,” Starsky agreed. “I think it’s safe to say Mike will keep his mouth shut about what he did to me. But there remains one problem you need to come to grips with.”

“Huh? What? Come to grips with what?”

“Well put it this way, I’ve had enough of him ‘coming to grips’ with me. So now I figure Hutch – that it’s your turn. “

Suddenly the squad room door whoosed open behind Hutch.

Hutch tensed and groaned. He didn’t turn. He didn’t need to.

“Oh no….Starsky…”

“Oh yes…. Hutch.”

Hutch felt the light soft hand on his shoulder, weak and fluttering. Then he heard the voice – pure and alto as it sang across the squad room for the other two men to hear.

“Ken! Ken! This is marvelous! So pleased to hear what you’ve decided. I was down in Records meeting the staff and who should pop in but our Boy Wonder from yesterday. I was telling him the great news about the Community Centre already demanding an encore for yesterday’s defense lessons. Dave couldn’t wait to tell me that you had already decided to put your hand up if there was to be more demonstrations scheduled. He said you were really keen for it.”

Hutch turned slowly now and looked up at the shining face of Stephens. He then glared over at the even more shining face of his partner whose smile stretched from ear to ear.

“Did he now?” Hutch’s question was almost a low growl. He turned to look at his partner.  “Did you tell our Captain that Starsky?”

Starsky had his curly head tipped to the side like some loving black retriever who had just pranced back from the water with a pheasant in his mouth for his master.

“It’s okay Hutch. I’m happy to let you have a turn. After all Cap’n Stephens has four weeks here and I told him how you love to keep fit – you’d be a perfect match for him on that mat.”

Stephens smile was full of warmth.

“Yes –I’m so looking forward to having a few tumbles with you Ken.”

Starsky coughed under his hand and Hutch’s glare turned to a venomous strike.

“However Ken,” Stephens looked a little apologetic, “I don’t like to dampen your enthusiasm but God damn you’ll have your work cut out filling the shoes of this partner of yours. He is one hard act to follow.”

Starsky now leaned over and added his hand to Hutch’s shoulder. Patting him on the back firmly and chuckling with affected self-deprecation.

“Oh I don’t know about that Captain. Hutch here is every bit as good as me when he tries – and well to be truthful…I wouldn’t call myself a hard act at all. Nothing ‘hard’ about me is there Hutch? I’m just a big softie now and I tell you what – I like it that way!”

The End.

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*Now I know that all of you smart readers out there know very well that oral tablets of Viagra were not commercially available till the 1990’s and that prior to this, injections were used to assist with treatment of erectile dysfunction. But this is fiction and it gives me a certain degree of freedom to mess around with a few things. Namely – facts about pharmaceuticals, chronology of drug developments and most importantly of all … Starsky himself. Who wouldn’t want to mess with him?

So for the fun of this story, lets just pretend the little blue pills called Viagra were available as cutting edge treatment in the 70’s and therefore at the disposal of those nasty uniformed cops to use upon our poor unsuspecting and sometimes (but not always) gullible David Starsky.