Pour Your Sugar On Me

It was the absolute mother of boring stakeouts. Nothing was happening. For days. Nothing. Nada. Zero. Zilch. Apart from boredom. That was happening in spades. Mind numbing, I-will-either-cry-or-die-probably-both-and-not-in-that-order-either boredom.

They were trapped in purgatory. Yes, that was it. If Purgatory existed it would feel like this, like the interior of this junk heap in the middle of fuck-this road, watching a jack-shit-happens building.

Hutch had forgotten how much time had passed since they had started this cursed from the gods surveillance. Possibly a century. He felt positively ancient. Mummified. He was an exhibit in a museum. A relic. A fossil.

This was the stakeout from Hell. And because of that, because of the paralyzing boredom, he didn’t catch it at first. It was right there, under his nose, staring him in the eye.

Something was off. Hutch could tell. What he couldn’t tell was exactly what. That was a mystery demanding his attention, waiting to be solved. The something off was Starsky. His partner, bestest friend and as of late, lover. It wasn’t something Hutch could put his finger on. More like a vibe. An energy. Humming like a high voltage wire.

The thing was he couldn’t outright ask Starsky about it. If he did, Starsky would deny it, pretend ignorance, clam up and good luck getting anywhere anytime soon after that. No, he’d have to either trick him or force him to reveal whatever it was that was bothering him. Because there was something bothering him and Hutch had come to the conclusion that it had to do with him. Could it be something he did? Or something that he didn’t do?

He spent the dead hours surreptitiously watching his partner. Starsky was fidgety but not because he was slowly dying of boredom. It was a different kind of fidgeting. He was anxious. He bit his nails. He wouldn’t annoy Hutch. His motor mouth was gone. He was distracted. He wouldn’t offer little useless information, his beloved trivia or even non-sequiturs and random thoughts. He gave Hutch weird glances and looked at him with a serious, pensive expression on his face when he thought Hutch wasn’t paying attention. It was driving him nuts. He could understand how Sherlock Holmes must have felt when an answer to a gnawing mystery eluded him.

What if it was something serious? What if he had offended Starsky? What if Starsky had changed his mind about them and wanted out?

Hutch squinted and looked at his friend from the corner of his eye. What if this wasn’t really Starsky? What if someone had replaced him while Hutch was sleeping?? What if this… was a changeling!?

“Oh great, now I’m going cuckoo bananas! Get a grip, Hutchinson!! You look great in white but that trendy jacket with the long sleeves that keeps the arms crossed and buckles in the back is not how you make a fashion statement!” Hutch thought.

He was going to lose his mind and it was the fault of this shitty stakeout! “Mmmmmm, steak!!” his brain happily chirruped and helpfully provided the image of a juicy slab of steak the size and shape of Godzilla.

“MotherFUCK!!” Hutch bellowed.

Starsky jumped. “What!?! What is it!?? What’s happening??”

“I am going slowly mad, is what’s happening! If this doesn’t end soon, I will go into a berserker rage!” Hutch was this close to start frothing in the mouth.

At that precise moment the radio came to life and a disembodied voice floated into the ether. They both froze for a second, then Hutch snatched the mike up to be patched through to his Captain who informed him to his great surprise and extreme joy that their torture was over. Another team had apprehended the suspects in another part of town.

Hallelujah, brothers and sisters!!! AND they were given the next four days off!! A miracle and a rare gift rolled into one.

Hutch was ecstatic. Hutch was floating. He felt like dancing in the middle of the street! His brain cells could stop offing themselves now and focus their energy on Starsky and his… what exactly? Misery? Was Starsky miserable? Had he managed to make the man of his dreams miserable already?

This had to be resolved quickly. He loved Starsky more than anything and anyone. He would get down on his knees and beg for forgiveness if that was what it took. First things first though, get away from this abominable place. Destination: home. He started the engine and drove off, tires squealing. He couldn’t leave this place behind fast enough.

Starsky was subdued for the duration of the drive, staring out the window but not really paying attention to what he was seeing. Hutch was thinking the whole way home how to approach the subject. He had thought to trick or force Starsky to talk but those weren’t fair ways. There was another option and that was sincerity, openness and empathy. His partner deserved that.

So when they finally entered the living room and took their jackets and holsters off Hutch took a deep breath and asked quietly, “Are you going to tell me what’s eating you?”

Starsky blinked, surprised. “What are you talking about? Nothing’s eating me.”

“Come on, Starsk. I may not have noticed it immediately, what with my body and mind slowly decaying in the twilight zone we’d been trapped but it finally registered. There’s something bothering you and I want you to tell me what it is.”

“Nothing’s bothering me, I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Starsky half mumbled without looking at Hutch.

“Babe, don’t. I know you, the same way you know me. I know something’s bugging you, I know it has to do with me, I just don’t know what it is and I need you to tell me. We promised we wouldn’t keep secrets from each other. So come on, out with it.”

Starsky apparently was finding the carpet extremely interesting. You’d think, with the intensity and attention he was studying it, he had discovered a colony of tiny creatures living on it and it utterly fascinated him. “It’s nothing, really” he said in a hushed tone.

“It’s definitely something if you’re giving it that much thought. Is it something I said?”

“No, you didn’t say… I mean, it’s not anything you said.”

Ahh, that was telling right there. Was it something he didn’t say, then? What was it he didn’t say?

He approached Starsky slowly. Starsky retreated but the couch was behind him and he found himself sitting with a mild oomph. Hutch didn’t waste any time. He quickly made his way to the coffee table, sat on it and boxed Starsky’s legs with his own. Gotcha now, tiger!

He placed his hands on Starsky’s thighs and started rubbing little soothing circles with his thumbs. “Talk to me.”

“It’s silly.”

“I like silly especially when it comes from you.”

Starsky’s color was starting to rise, he was fast becoming a beguiling shade of rosy red. Hutch realized Starsky was embarrassed and a little shy. Hutch was intrigued! What was it that made his man feel this way?

“You’ll think I’m stupid…”

“I already think you’re stupid.”

“Hey!” Starsky looked at Hutch, hurt blooming in his eyes and was about to reply but before he could open his mouth to speak he saw the mischievous glint in Hutch’s eyes and the barely concealed grin and realized Hutch was doing it on purpose to lighten the mood and make him feel more at ease.

He smiled crookedly. “Asshole!” he said affectionately.

Hutch leaned forward, propped his chin on Starsky’s chest, tilted his head so he could look up at him and with a goofy expression he said “Your asshole, mushbrain.”

Starsky chuckled. “Yeah and I wouldn’t trade you for anything in the world.”

“Tell your asshole your secret, then.”

Starsky laughed out loud. “Your phrasing babe, so charming!”

“I didn’t go to college for nothing! Made you laugh though. Now spill. You know you can tell me anything. I love you. I’m your Hutchie, aren’t I?”

Starsky nodded, keeping his eyes down. He took a deep breath. “Why haven’t you…” He cleared his throat and started again. “Why don’t you call me…”

Hutch waited patiently. Starsky turned his head to face slightly away from Hutch and said in an exhale, “…I mean, use endearments? Pet names? Even when we’re really intimate?”

Now it was out he felt both relieved and scared. He decided to make his request more explicit and plunged in.

“I’ve seen you with the women you used to date, I’ve heard all the names you had for them… all the tender things you called them. So I know it’s in your nature. I know it comes naturally to you. And you are – I mean, we are romantic and affectionate and loving and downright mushy when we want to be and I love that but you never really call me… You call me babe but it’s not exactly what… I mean you called me that before we got together, it’s kinda generic and… I use pet names for you and you like it but you don’t… Is it me? Am I the reason? Or is it because I’m a man?”

Starsky forced himself to stop before he started babbling uncontrollably and made a complete fool of himself. He closed his eyes, swallowed and braced himself for anything negative. What if Hutch laughed at him? Made fun of him? Dismissed him? Or worse, what if Hutch got angry with him? Was he being ridiculous?

He felt Hutch’s hands cup his face, turning it towards him. “Oh baby,” he said and touched his forehead to Starsky’s.

“Of course it’s not you or the fact that you’re a man. It’s not your fault I’m an idiot! I’m so sorry I made you feel this way. I have so many names for you in my head but I just wasn’t thinking. I didn’t really think I wasn’t using any endearments. I didn’t realize ‘babe’ wasn’t enough anymore. Even when you used pet names, I… Shit, I can’t believe what an idiot I’ve been!”

“I thought you were supposed to be really smart,” Starsky smiled.

“Well, I’m both. It’s called being flexible.”

Starsky snorted. That was a good sign. Now the issue was being addressed, things were slowly getting back on track.

“I’m sorry I got jealous and insecure,” Starsky started to say but Hutch cut him off.

“There’s nothing to apologize for. This is new for both of us. We’ve had a try at serious relationships before but not like this. We’re both it for each other. We’ve never been more serious or committed and the only way we could be any closer would be if we crawled inside each other’s chests and lived there forever. Which sometimes I wish we could do. I’m sorry I made you feel like you had to compare yourself to the women I have dated. There is no comparison, you always came first and always will. You are my world. My soul. My everything. I have so much love, affection and tenderness for you that sometimes it gets so overwhelming all I want to do is recite sappy poetry and sing you mushy love songs. There are times I even want to stop the dirty talk and just say lovey-dovey romantic things until your teeth rot from all the sugar. Why I haven’t, I don’t know. Maybe I was insecure myself. Or a little scared even. Or maybe I thought there was always time for that later. It doesn’t matter though because I intend to romance you to death from now on!”

Hutch took hold of Starsky’s hand and kissed the pads of his fingers.

“God, I hope not! I want to be alive to bask in it!” Starsky exclaimed.

Hutch laughed and kissed Starsky’s palm. “Oh, you will bask in it alright! My love.”

He kissed Starsky’s wrist. “My darling.”

He kissed Starsky’s forehead. “My heart.”

Kissed his right eye. “My sweetness.”

Kissed the shell of his ear. “My star.”

Kissed his cheek. “My angel.”

Kissed his soft lips. “Love of my life.”

Kissed the tip of Starsky’s nose. “My peanut.”

Starsky started giggling. “I draw the line at pumpkin, don’t call me pumpkin!”

“Or what?”

“Or I’ll call you my snookie in front of Dobey!”

“You wouldn’t!”

“Try me, lover boy!”

“Oh you think you can intimidate me? I’ll call you bunny in front of Babcock!”

Starsky bulged his eyes comically and clutched at his chest dramatically. “You would do that to poor Babcock?? You stoop too low, Hutchinson! Muffin it is then for you in front of Babcock!”

Hutch doubled in two. “You should be ashamed of yourself!” he said when he could speak again. “How do you like cupcake in front of Dobey, then!?”

“I see your cupcake and I raise you a buttercup! See which one Dobey reacts best to!”

“And I’m going to Babcock with shnoodle-butt AND pudding!”

“I’ll give you some pudding!” Starsky exclaimed and grabbed Hutch, pulled him on the couch and started tickling him.

Hutch was laughing uncontrollably trying to defend himself and launch his own attack at the same time. Everything was right with the world again and they were both roaring with laughter.

They kept trying to one up each other with sillier, more ridiculous and outlandish names. Even as they started undressing each other. Even after their sweet love making. Silliness and shenanigans made for a happy shared life, after all. A life where love overflowed with abundance.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Meanwhile, in their respective homes, Dobey and Babcock couldn’t understand why their ears were bright red and burning hot!

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