Reflections

I’ve never been one for resolutions, but I do like some reflection at the beginning of a new year.

And it’s funny, the thing I most often reflect on is the year I’d really rather not remember at all.

1979.

The year started off horrible and went downhill from there. Hutch was in a downward spiral of self destruction, and had been for months. We were just not in sync in any aspect of our lives. He’d sunk so low, even I couldn’t pull him back.

I started the year thinking I couldn’t live with him anymore. But by the end of May, I knew I couldn’t live without him.

Looking back on it, the thing that nearly killed me, without question, saved him.

He first brought me to this stretch of beach late in the fall of ‘79. It was so secluded; no houses at all. He’d bring me here in the late afternoons after he got off work. I’d been out of the hospital a few months and we’d been sharing a bungalow in Venice. I couldn’t handle the stairs at either of our apartments, and neither of us was ready to be on our own. He’d bring a chair so I wouldn’t have to struggle getting up off the sand. Then he’d go for a swim. Used to scare the shit out of me. I worried if a big wave or shark came I wouldn’t be able to get to him. I can still hear him at my suggestion that he just swim in a pool. “Oh come on, Starsk. Are you kidding me? All those chemicals they put in the water? And the piss? Nope, only good, clean Pacific Ocean is gonna touch this body.” Apparently he’s never looked that closely at the water quality off the coast of Bay City.

He told me he’d found this spot one night after a particularly bad fight with Vanessa. And then he just kept coming back. A year or so later he saw a For Sale sign. It was tight, but he managed to put enough together to buy the tiny piece of land. At the time, he had no idea what he’d do with it, but he just knew he had to have it. Over the years, as more parcels went up for sale, he’d bought them, little by little. The end result was over three acres of California beach front property. When I asked him how he’d done it, he kinda chuckled and said, “Starsk, think about my cars over the years. I like nice cars, but I just kept buying land instead and never had the money.”

Years later when he told me he used to come here and swim alone I made him agree to some rules. No swimming without me there to watch, and now that we’re older I make him wear a wetsuit in the winter. Many, many years later when he told me he’d come a few times in early ‘79 with the intention of not coming back out of the water at all, I made him go to therapy.

Once I was able to qualify to go back to work, I didn’t want to. Oh, I still wanted to be a cop, I just knew it was time to get off the streets. Hutch knew it before I did. While I was out of work, Dobey kept him busy behind a desk doing “odds and ends” as Hutch called it. But Dobey was also pushing him to take the Lieutenants exam. Apparently, he had a lot of down time on desk duty and used that time to study. Of course, he really never had to study much for anything. By early 1980 he’d passed with flying colors.

He went on to head up a new Cold Case division, eventually being promoted to Captain. I ended up teaching at the Academy; surprised both of us when I passed the Lieutenants exam. We wondered how we’d manage not working together, but the time at home more than made up for it. And just like we started at the Academy together, we went out together, finally retiring on December 31, 1999. A new century felt like the right time to start a new chapter.

It’s hard to believe we’re now in our 80s, still in the same house on this same stretch of beach where we truly started our life together.

It was on this very spot that we finally admitted that we had everything we ever needed in each other.

And it was at this spot that he gave me my Christmas present in ‘79. It came in a long brown tube, and I had a brief flashback to the years when his presents weren’t all that great. But that year he outdid himself. It was plans for a house he wanted to build for us – to share for the rest of our lives.

This is where I proposed to him. And when we finally could, this same spot is where we chose to be married, in the place we loved surrounded by those who truly loved us.

I never regretted not having our own kids. Our make-do family more than made up for it. Between Molly, Kiko, Cal, and Rosie, we’re honorary granddads to so many kids I can’t keep them straight. Add Huggy’s grandkids in and we’ve got our own football team.

Every once in a while I’ll mention it might be time for us to move to something a little more manageable. Hutch won’t even discuss it. I guess he’s right. This is where our lives started together, and this is where we’ll be to the end.

Until then, I’ll enjoy my time in this spot. Watching the man I love, graceful as ever, swimming on New Year’s Day.