Talking Underwater

Denying Starsky anything right now felt impossible, what with him lying there, pale against the dark blue pillow.

“He’s my brother, Hutch.”

And Hutch definitely knew that. Ducked his head and shook it slightly, remembering.

*~*~*

“I don’t give a damn about you, but I do care about your brother!”

Nick sneered. “I bet you do. I just bet.”

Hutch ignored the inference. “You’re putting him through hell with all your shit, and I don’t like it!”

“And I don’t like this…this…relationship you have going! Partners. Right. You think I don’t notice? You think I don’t see? Fucking faggot.”

Hutch didn’t remember crossing the room but he found his face close to Nick’s and the other man’s body pressed up against the wall, Hutch’s own hands having lifted him by the shirt.

“Our partnership is none of your business,” he grated out through clenched teeth.

He held Nick there a while longer, but Nick only glared at him, never breaking eye contact. Hutch finally, slowly, lowered him back to the floor and once he let go and turned away, Nick apparently found his voice again.

“It’s you that’s putting him through hell, making him keep you two a secret, turning him into a fag like you. You’re the one who’s ruining his life, not me!”

Hutch’s step faltered just as the door opened. He swore silently to himself. How like Nick to push precisely the right buttons, right before Starsky walked in.

*~*~*

How often after that had Starsky curled around him, sleeping the deep sleep of the well-fucked, while Hutch had lain awake, worrying he was denying Starsky the chance at marriage and a family and someone decidedly female that he could take home to Ma.

“Of course Nick should come to see you, Starsk. I’ll even set up the sofa bed for him. Okay? But I’m still sleeping in here with you.”

Starsky reached out and snagged the hand Hutch was pointing with. “Wouldn’t want you anywhere else.”

Hutch allowed himself to be drawn down to the bed, to sit and be caressed.

“Nick accused me of making you keep us a secret, the last time he was here. Before anyone really knew.”

“So we didn’t have a big party to announce our engagement.”

Hutch snorted, almost laughed.

Starsky continued patiently. “We both decided to wait until we felt it was the right time to tell, didn’t we?”

Except that time had come at the very brink of Starsky’s death. When Miriam, sensing Hutch’s feelings over the long-distance connection, had probed gently. Laying their very souls into her mothering hands, Hutch had given themselves up. It had been easier not seeing her face, three thousand miles of phone line between them, but it felt so important to have their relationship acknowledged by someone. And afterwards, when she finally arrived and held Hutch for a long time as they sat vigil, he knew her love.

Starsky sighed. Hutch felt him weave their fingers together, much as Miriam had.

“Whatever Nick thought then, it’s no secret now to him now. Even Ma didn’t screech.”

Not that they’d come out to everyone. Miriam, who had told Nick.

Huggy, during a hospital visit. He’d been surprised, but not shocked.

Dobey, who’d asked outright when, after Hutch asked for help moving Starsky’s things and his own into a new apartment, he’d realized there was only one bedroom.

They couldn’t lie to him anymore. He seemed disinclined to mention it to IA.

It was still a secret to Hutch’s parents. He often came away after phone calls with them feeling like they’d all been talking underwater – their communications frustratingly garbled and confused.

The way he imagined any conversations with Nick would be.

Starsky tugged gently on his arm. “Lay down with me, huh?”

Hutch kicked off his shoes and stretched out, fitting his head into the hollow of Starsky’s shoulder. The good one. The one that wasn’t still bandaged and damaged.

Starsky’s arm around him felt right. Nice. Comfortable.

Like home.

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, letting his palm rest against Starsky’s heartbeat and his tired mind sink towards oblivion. Starsky’s fingers in his hair lulled him like gentle, rocking waves beneath a rowboat.

“It’ll be all right with Nick. I promise. I’ll take care of you, Blondie. I’ll make him understand. Best I can.”

~end
September 10, 2007