Tearing Down the Walls

Hutch realizes how his feelings for Starsky have changed while waiting for his partner to come out of his coma.

The seated figure cast a long shadow down the dreary white hallway, but was nowhere near as long as the shadow that was cast over its owner’s face.

It seemed set alone, cast apart from its standing counterparts. The shadows of Huggy Bear, Dobey, and a uniformed guard standing sentry to the silent, still figure in front of them.

Several times Captain Dobey had attempted to get a response from his blond detective, but Hutch remained silent. More silent and still than the man he watched over on the other side of the window. At least Starsky’s chest moved with each forced breath of the ventilator; and the sounds of the machines assured the older man his irreverent subordinate was still with them. He couldn’t be as sure about Hutch.

It was as if he was watching two men slowly die before him. Starsky’s body and Hutch’s soul.

Huggy couldn’t take much more of the waiting and stepped away. Besides, he needed to call his latest conquest and cancel their day of entertainment.

As he walked away, Huggy wondered why he’d never caught on to the signs before him. Oh, he knew that Starsky and Hutch loved each other, but he’d never realized the depth and breadth of that emotion before now.

Barely registering his conversation with Daniella, the thin man vowed as he hung up the pay phone receiver, to stand by Hutch and help him heal through this difficult time. Maybe a little hope will interject some spark in Hutch.

Out of the corner of his eye Hutch couldn’t miss the tall figure in bright orange take his leave and then return a few minutes later. The only acknowledgement an adjustment of his tightened fingers as Huggy returned with some platitudes to make him feel better.

Only one thing could accomplish that…

That’d he awaken from this nightmare so he could tell Starsky what he’d finally come to realize.

That his curly haired, highly energetic best friend was his life.

Huggy’s words did evoke a response. But there was little belief behind them and Hutch knew it. He’s dying. He repeated the spoken phrase in his mind to force himself to believe it, just as the doctor stepped out of Starsky’s ICU room after settling his critical patient.

With a nod the doctor gave Hutch permission to sit with his friend. In two long strides, Hutch was through doorway, but then stopped and with trepidation he walked to the hard plastic chair sitting next to the bed where his partner lay.

Hutch was afraid to touch his partner, even though his soul cried out for contact. Not only did he not want to disturb any of the medical paraphernalia, but somewhere in the back of his mind he didn’t feel like he deserved it. Instead he let his dulled, weary eyes wander around the room before resting on the prone man in the bed.

Choking back a sob, Hutch lamented, I’m sorry Starsk. I’m so sorry for wasting this past year. For making it hell on earth for you. I really, honestly didn’t know how much I need you. And now it’s too late to tell you…to show you.

Was that what the Kira thing was all about? It bothered me that Starsky spent more time with her than with me, but was it more than that?

Then the focus of his emotions changed, Dammit, Starsky, why didn’t you get down when I told you? Hutch shook his head. What the hell am I thinking – blaming you for getting shot? If anything it’s my fault. I should’ve done something, jumped over the hood to get to him, shot a tire out the moment I heard the car scraping, done SOMETHING, to protect my partner. And now it’s time to pay the dues. We’ve lost…I’ve lost.

How long he sat there reeling in his guilt and sorrow, Hutch didn’t know. But eventually his temperamental back cried out for relief. Finally giving in to the need for physical contact with Starsky, Hutch laid a hand on his dying partner’s wrist as he got up from his chair.

After checking with Dobey, Hutch stepped into the bathroom with the intent to wash the fear and tears from his face, and with the hopes that a splash of cold water would revitalize him. Once inside and staring at the drawn countenance before him, the floodgates opened and inside he collapsed.

How can this be happening? He scolded himself. What, Hutchinson, did you think the two of you were immune from the same violence that touches the victims you see all the time? The last few years should tell you differently; hell you’re only months removed from almost getting a bullet to the heart yourself, why did you think the same wouldn’t happen to Starsky eventually? Hasn’t all the past times he’s gotten shot proved that he isn’t?

I don’t want you hurting anymore, Starsk. If God needs you with him, then go. If I could take the pain away, I would. But I can’t, so with a heavy heart, I’ll let you rest in peace. I’ll learn the Kaddish and not forget to say it. Each Christmas I’ll…I’ll decorate a tree, then share it with the kids at the mental health facility to remember you and Terry. I won’t forget you, or us. And to honor your memory, I’ll survive. That’s my punishment for not realizing what you meant to me. To live with the regret of my unacknowledged love, and the terrible way I treated you for your honesty and openness.

Chapter End Notes:

Part of the “Wedges and Glue” series. Sequel is Building A Home.