The Dot on the Wall

27

Hutch gets pre-occupied with a dot on the wall in a restaurant whilst waiting for Starsky.

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The dot on the wall had been hardly noticeable when he’d first arrived. A tiny fleck of something – maybe it had been flicked upwards and stuck? Food? He wouldn’t be a bit surprised – it wasn’t exactly a high class place, but the pizza was good and that was the reason he’d picked it. Because his partner loved pizza.

Or maybe it was the remains of a dead fly? A fly halted in its tracks by a swat; its remains not completely dealt with. Uggh. He shuddered and tore his eyes away. It was just a speck, easy to ignore and yet somehow he couldn’t.

He didn’t know why it was bothering him so much. It was just now that he knew it was there he couldn’t seem to take his eyes off it. He sipped on his beer, trying to focus his thoughts. Starsky should be arriving soon.

Starsky, his friend and partner. The man who’d forgiven the unforgivable. Hutch looked at the dot again. Was he really forgiven? Or would there always be a tiny dot of distrust lurking in the background that would eventually sour their relationship? He still felt ashamed, which made him feel embarrassed and awkward around his partner although he tried to hide it during this last week since they’d talked things out.

Years of friendship had almost been thrown away: certainly they had been marred by one tiny dot of selfishness and clouded judgement. Like the dot on the wall, he couldn’t seem to ignore it.

He sighed.

Even though they’d talked it out, even though he’d been forgiven verbally, he couldn’t quite believe that the mistake was that easy to fix. But he didn’t want to voice this anxiety to Starsky and stir up feelings that were better left alone to subside.

No, rationally, he knew it was his own personal sense of failure and guilt torturing him. If Starsky said a thing, he meant it. Starsky was always transparent in the way he acted. Hutch just wished he could let the guilt go, but the person who would normally help him let go of this stuff was the person he’d wronged. Somehow it didn’t seem right to tell his partner how uncomfortable he felt. He just wished he could turn back time, erase the mistake and start over. He sighed again.

/\/\/\/\/\

Starsky walked into the restaurant, smiling with anticipation at the thought of the pizza he was going to order. He spotted Hutch and headed towards his partner, subliminally picking up that something was amiss. He couldn’t see anything that might make Hutch wary, no danger in sight. Seemed like something internal was weighing on his partner’s mind. Hopefully, he could work out what it was.

“Hey,” he said cheerily, “Thanks for picking Alfredo’s. We haven’t been here in ages.”

Hutch smiled back and said, “You’re welcome. How was your date last night?”

Starsky grinned. “Good. I think I’ll call her and ask her out again next weekend.”

Hutch nodded.

A waitress came over with a tray carrying two menus, a decanter of water, two glasses and a little dish containing nuts and olives. Hutch started looking at the menu while Starsky shoved some olives in his mouth.

“What did you do today?” Starsky asked.

Hutch shrugged. “Not much just catching up on myself. You?”

“Yeah. Me too. Usual Sunday stuff.”

The waitress came back and asked if they were ready to order.

“I’ll have the Pepperoni Supreme with a beer.”

“I’ll have the Gardener’s Delight and a beer.”

The waitress smiled at both of them and went to place their order. There was a silence. Hutch fiddled with a paper napkin, occasionally looking up but avoiding his partner’s eyes.

Starsky leant back and observed his partner. The silence between them seemed to be bothering Hutch when silences had never bothered him before.

“So…um, is it my turn to drive tomorrow or yours?” Hutch asked, trying to sound normal but wondering to himself why conversation with his partner was suddenly so difficult.

“Hutch? What’s going on?” Starsky asked quietly.

“Nothing’s going on. Everything’s fine. At least, I think it is.”

“You don’t sound sure. What’s on your mind?”

Hutch looked at Starsky with the briefest of glances. He looked to the side and his eyes fell on the dot and he frowned before looking down.

Starsky turned to try to see what had made Hutch frown. All he saw was a blank wall. Starsky decided he’d been mistaken in thinking something had gotten his partner’s attention. He started a conversation about baseball and Hutch breathed a small sigh of relief that didn’t go unnoticed. For a while everything was fine. The pizza arrived and they talked about their food choices and teased each other a little. Starsky was glad to see Hutch relax and hoped that whatever the problem was, it had passed by.

When it was time to pay, Hutch picked up the check.

“Hey Hutch, I should be paying,” Starsky said. “My turn, pal.”

Hutch went quiet then said awkwardly, “I’d like to pay.”

Starsky saw Hutch’s eyes skitter to the wall and back again. He turned to look. Nothing there…except the tiniest of specks. Trust Hutch to notice a tiny dot of dirt!

Starsky turned to tease his partner but saw the solemn look in his partner’s eyes. He interpreted it as a mixture of pleading and guilt. He nodded to Hutch to say he was fine with Hutch paying. While Hutch did so, he took a moment to think.

A tiny dot on a wall had stood out to his partner. A small thing marring an otherwise perfectly good, cream wall. And Hutch looking guilty. Guilty about what?

Ah. Starsky nearly shook his head in exasperation. Hutch was terrible at letting things go, especially if the thing that needed releasing was his own guilt.

How could he get Hutch to drop the burden he was still carrying around? Words didn’t seem to have been enough. Starsky could remind him that he was forgiven but Hutch didn’t seem to be able to accept that was true. How could he get through to his mule-headed partner?

“Hey, Hutch, pass me that clean napkin, would ya?”

Hutch did so. Starsky poured a little water from the decanter onto the napkin. Then he stood up and wiped the dot of dirt away. He sat down and said quietly, “It’s all gone, washed away, forgotten, forgiven, no need to fret anymore…you hear what I’m saying?”

As his eyes filled with moisture, Hutch nodded.

“Good. Let’s go.”

As they left the restaurant, Starsky clapped his friend’s shoulder and said, “First one to your place gets to drive tomorrow!”

As Starsky ran to his car, Hutch grinned and pretended to hurry. He would let his partner win this one because Starsky liked driving and he wasn’t that bothered. But also because Starsky had released the burden that had still been weighing him down and this was the least he could do to say ‘thank you’.