The First Day

Hutch and Starsky talk after his graduation.

“Congratulations, partner.” Hutch’s voice was warm and eager, though he kept his eyes carefully guarded, his strong hand grasping Starsky’s and drawing him into an equally warm hug.

Starsky responded with a bone-crushing hug that caused Hutch to make a “woof” sound and draw back with a sparkling smile on his face and in his eyes.

Starsky fairly bounced back into his arms with excitement and joy.

“I did it Hutch! I really did it!”

Hutch couldn’t help but respond to Starsky’s enthusiasm.

“Ah Starsk. How could you even doubt it? I always knew there was more than hot air and rocks in that head of yours.”

He gleefully rubbed Starsky’s dark hair and then cuffed him lightly with his hand.

Starsky’s pretended offence at this remark was easily seen through.

Suddenly they both stilled in the embrace, two pairs of blue eyes connected: searching, reading, assessing and acknowledging what time had wrought.

“Man, it’s good to see you Hutch. You just don’t know…” Starsky’s voice trailed off as he stepped back in recognition of time and place.

Hutch composed himself and somewhat reluctantly let Starsky step back. He glanced guiltily around.

“Um… you got plans now Starsk? I won’t keep you. Maybe we can get together later huh?”

Starsky quickly countered.

“No, no plans. Come on let’s go get some food. I haven’t eaten all day I was so nervous.”

He flung his arm around Hutch possessively as if afraid to lose him and started to move off. Hutch followed obediently, his arm falling into place across Starsky’s shoulder. His eyebrows quirked questioningly as they approached the Torino.

“Yeah,” Starsky said “She’s still running although I haven’t been able to keep her in top shape. Moneys been tight.”

Hutch valiantly refrained from comment, knowing Starsky’s pride and also knowing that at some point they were due for a long talk.

He had vowed to stay silent and not let his personal feelings of rejection, fear and abandonment colour his first sight of Starsky in almost three years. His greatest fear that Starsky would bolt when he saw him had magically vanished, especially after he had felt that mysterious connection fall into place when Starsky first appeared on stage.

He knew Starsky felt it too, watched him try and find him in the hall. He also knew that the speech Starsky gave was not the one he had planned. It had almost brought him to tears as he listened.

This was a new Starsky. Still the street-wise, confidant believer, but tempered with a wisdom that had nothing to do with the piece of paper he’d been handed. And beneath it all Hutch thought he had heard an understanding and awakening of a personal demon long fought.

Starsky’s natural buoyancy returned as they drove to the restaurant he was assured would meet his weird criteria.

Starsky’s speech as he rambled from one topic to another was not altogether nervousness. Hutch heard almost incoherent comments on the school, the ceremony, his courses and professors. All accented with Starsky’s remembered body language. Hutch had only to interject appropriate one-syllable utterances and Starsky would be off again. It felt so familiar, comforting and warm, but his contentment he knew was coupled with a fear of the unknown.

After being seated in a quiet booth of a surprisingly agreeable restaurant, Starsky quieted and over a sip of his wine looked into Hutch’s eyes.

“Hutch, I’m sorry. I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t face the future so I ran.”

Hutch had no problem following Starsky’s train of thought. He had known for some time before Starsky had left that Starsky was seriously considering a future that to him contained no hope or offer a life worth living. All Hutch’s assurances could do little to ease his friends despair.

So Starsky had left just before he was scheduled for assessment, leaving Hutch an emotionless short, curt note. And now after three years, he was saying ‘I’m sorry.’

Hutch let out a deep sigh and sat back against the booth.

“Starsk, you have no idea what I went through after you left. I felt completely betrayed and useless. You wouldn’t trust me; let me help. God, I almost gave in and considered taking the cowards way out.”

Starsky paled at Hutch’s deeply felt heart-wrenching words. He had felt so desperate and alone then, not seeing what was right in front of him.

He no longer had confidence in his ability to return to the job. Within himself he knew he was incapable of doing the job with enough agility to protect himself and Hutch. He was devastated and thoroughly degraded to realize that his entire life’s work was lost, along with his partnership with Hutch. It was as if heaven had closed its doors on him, leaving him in the dark. He was panicked and completely out of control when he took off, unable to rationalize his decision or its impact on those he left behind.

“I wanted so much to find you and drag you back home.” Hutch continued. “If not for Huggy and Edith Dobey, I would still be wandering like a lost soul.”

Hutch smiled slightly. “Huggy and Sweet Alice kept me sober, and Edith preached at me, finally waking me up enough to figure out where you would end up eventually.”

The depth of Hutch’s pain poured out of his eyes and echoed in his voice as he relived the most devastating time of his life.

“I missed you so much, Starsk. Even after I knew where you were and what you were doing, it took everything I had not to come.”

“How did you find me?” Starsky barely whispered.

Hutch’s smile was open and warm.

“Your mother.” he said.

Starsky’s slight raise of an eyebrow acknowledged Hutch’s logic.

“She never told me,” he replied.

“I asked her not to once I realized that however much I wanted you back, if you didn’t come on your own, it would be no victory. She argued with me though because she was afraid of what you might do.”

Hutch suddenly grinned mischievously.

“There’s a lot of her in you Starsk, so with all my years of practice I was able to convince her to let you find your own way.

At first we talked almost every day. It was good therapy for both of us, and gradually we relaxed when you showed some signs of commonsense and direction.”

Again that silly grin as Hutch paused and then placed his right hand over Starsky’s left, gently turning it to hold.

“Your mother is a wonderful woman, Starsk. It didn’t take her very long to understand why I was falling apart and practically begging her to help me.”

Another slight pause before Hutch continued.

“You know I even came out to see her for a few days last year.”

Starsky’s surprise at that caused his mouth to drop open, but he kept his grip on Hutch’s hand. Hutch’s voice softened.

“She held me and let me cry, and then fed me.”

Hutch’s light laugh cheered Starsky.

“Now I know why you’re always hungry Starsk. It’s your mother’s remedy for everything. And it works. I felt cleansed, relaxed and loved after that visit: and able to wait for you.

It took me a long time to get over the anger and guilt and accept that you were right. Despite my attempts to paint rosy pictures about your recovery, I was wrong; I was so happy at just having you alive I couldn’t see the truth. I was offering you false hope and being a false friend at the same time.”

Starsky tightened his hold on Hutch’s hand at that, and started to protest.

“No Starsk, it’s true. I had to do a lot of growing up, just as you did, and I can only hope that it’s enough to allow us to continue on together.”

Starsky was numb as his partner’s truth silenced him. They still hadn’t ordered dinner, and as Hutch paused, Starsky jumped in.

“Hutch, let’s eat and then go back to my place. O.K.?”

Hutch agreed, releasing Starsky’s hand. He felt calm, drained and pleasantly hungry. They settled in for a companionable meal, Hutch bringing Starsky up-to-date on all the happenings in Bay City and their friends. Hutch had eventually returned to work, taking the lieutenants exam to avoid having to return to the streets without Starsky. He kept Starsky entertained with his new perspective on life at the top, and Starsky kept Hutch equally entertained with his comparisons of college life with life on the streets.

Several hours later they were at Starsky’s small, but as usual, neat apartment with a bottle of wine between them.

Starsky had settled back into the sofa corner keeping his gaze on Hutch as if memorizing every detail of his appearance.

Softly Starsky spoke.

“I couldn’t ask any more of you, Hutch. When the reality of the assessment got closer, I went to Dr. Charles and asked him for an evaluation of what I could do. I begged him to be honest with me, and boy did he let me have it. After that it was like David Starsky disappeared and this stranger took over.”

Reliving his misery made Starsky lean forward, elbows on knees, shaking his head.

“You know, it was three months before I came out of it, and if you asked I couldn’t tell you where I had been during that time. I just kept moving, not thinking feeling or living really. It wasn’t until I saw a New York border crossing sign that I seemed to wake up.”

Starsky looked up at Hutch, his pain obvious on his face.

“When I realized where I was, and what I had done, I panicked again, not knowing what to do about it. I felt stupid and selfish and very small over what I had done to you. But I also knew I couldn’t go back. I was hurting so bad and felt so lost, I just headed to Ma’s.”

Starsky smiled gently remembering his mother’s response to his sudden appearance.

“Ma didn’t say much, gave me a long hug and kiss then sent me to my room to shower and change while she fixed dinner. It felt so good Hutch to be there, I just let it all wash over me. I think I slept for two days after that. I guess you know most of what happened then?”

Hutch nodded, waiting for Starsky to get the courage to answer the really important question herea33;why he had rejected Hutch and their life in Bay City.

Starsky was up and pacing slowly, finally resting against a wall and turning to Hutch.

“It took weeks for me to start to think again, and during that time I just couldn’t make myself pick up the phone and call you. There were too many unanswered questions about my future and until I could gain back my self-respect on my own I didn’t want you dealing with my insecurities. I wanted to return a whole man to you with a future to offer, because if I had let you, you would have turned yourself inside out for me, as you had already done. I couldn’t let it happen again. This was my fight and it cost everything I had to hold on to the belief that I made the right decision.

Starsky returned to sit by Hutch, claiming his hands.

“Don’t think I didn’t shed tears and rage against myself for putting you through that. Hutch, I had to try. Had to find out if I could find a new way. God I wanted you here so many times! Everything I did was always with your spirit behind me, your voice whispering in my ear. But I hurt you and I can never forgive myself for that.”

Tears were now flowing down both faces and they were desperately clutched to each other, pouring three years of want and desire into the frantic embrace.

Slowly Starsky realized that Hutch was spreading soft little kisses over his face and neck, murmuring barely heard words of love and remembered endearments. He carefully held Hutch’s face in his two hands, raising the head to gaze intently into those eyes that let him into his soul. The two gazed at each other with perfect honesty, openly allowing the other to see the pain and the love, the fear and the hope, the passion and the need.

In the most natural movement, Starsky brought his lips to Hutch’s in a gentle, promising kiss, his heart pouring out its long disguised love.

As the kiss ended, Hutch issued a cleansing deep breath that wiped the slate clean and made this the first day of the rest of his life.