TIEMPO

786

Hutch’s love for Starsky grows in intensity over time. Time isn’t always on his side.

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1.

If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that I’d like to do
Is to save every day till eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you

 

Hutch kicked off his shoes, hoisted weary legs up onto Starsky’s coffee table, and fell all the way back into the couch cushions.  He pressed his cold beer bottle to his forehead, releasing a calming sigh.  He put his head back and closed his eyes.

A familiar weight pressed along the length of his thigh and shoulder as Starsky eased himself beside him.

They’d had a light happy morning with the girls and Starsky’s surprise daiquiris.  Though Hutch would never admit it, he didn’t mind Starsky’s teasing when it brought that kind of smile to his face.  Hutch filed that smile away like he did so many others he cherished and wanted to remember.  The afternoon was exciting and the evening even better.  They enjoyed a movie and managed to escape, however briefly, the events of the last few days.

Although he’d planned a day to remember for Starsky’s sake, this was the moment Hutch had been waiting for.  The girls were off to catch their next flight and it was just the two of them again.  He needed this time alone with Starsky.  To capture what was fleeting, to seize what was escaping, to understand, to breathe.

Maybe Starsky didn’t realize it, but he could have lost him.  Hutch was forced to consider, not for the first time, that Starsky’s safety had become more important to him than his own.  And yet Starsky was reckless with it.  Starsky would throw all caution to the wind if it meant saving someone else.

“Starsk?”

A long pause.  Hutch shifted his weight and took a long pull of beer.  He didn’t push, though.  He knew Starsky had been tightly wound after recent events, too, but for different reasons.

“Hmm?” Starsky finally responded. But he never moved and his eyes didn’t open.

“Starsk, I..I..” Hutch rehearsed this in his mind all day, but now couldn’t manage the words. He’d never said them out loud before. “Starsk…”  What he wanted to say was “I love you.”  But what came out was “you’re important to me, you know.” A statement, not a question.

Starsky sat up and leaned over.  Eyebrows up in that what are you talking about manner he had. “S’matter, Hutch?”

Hutch didn’t mean for it to, but what had been scaring him just fell out in one big clump.

“Starsk, I could have lost you the other day.  With Prudholm, I mean.  You took off after him, ready to give your life to stop him killing.  But did you think?  Did you consider, for even a moment, what it meant to go after him alone that way? Huh?”  Hutch sat up now, too and the two were in each other’s breath.

“He was gonna kill a family, Hutch.  I had to.”

“He was going to kill you, Starsk. You!  God, what would I have done if that black and white wasn’t there, if I couldn’t have caught up with you, if Prudholm had gotten you?  And he would have.  You were a big bold target in that zoo, you had no idea where he was and he had you cold.  Starsk, he would have killed you!”

Hutch held Starsky’s eyes, waiting for a reaction.

“This been bothering you all this time, Hutch?”

“Look, Starsk, I know why you did it.  I mean I know you were upset by the other cops getting shot, but…”

“No but, Hutch, no but!” Starsky interrupted.  “Those guys are dead because of me.  I had to stop him.” Starsky moved off the couch now, put his beer on the table and stood staring down at Hutch.

“Starsk, I understand you believe that.  But trust me you were not responsible.  And just how was your dying going to bring those guys back, huh?  How was that going to solve anything?”

Hutch got up now, too, so they were standing face to face.  “How was leaving me alone going to solve one damn thing, Starsky?”

Starsky’s shoulders dropped at that and his face softened.  “Awe, Hutch.”

“Starsk, you and I both took the same oath those other cops took.  We know we put our lives on the line every day. But I am not gonna lose you to some mad man making demands for your suicide.  Either of us could get it in the line of duty.  We face that possibility every day on the streets.  But we are not going to hand ourselves over.  You understand me?”

Any argument Starsky had left seemed to dissolve.

“You’re right, Hutch.  I should have let you come, told you where I was goin’ at least.  I should have played it differently.  Prudholm rattled me.  But you’re right, Hutch.  I shouldn’t have let him.”

Starsky grabbed Hutch behind the neck and their foreheads met in that calm, unique way they relied on to transmit the acceptance and love they shared.  It lasted only moments but Hutch realized he didn’t have to get the words out.  Starsky knew.

Later when they’d were settled back on the couch Hutch noticed the beer was colder, the pizza tastier, the creature feature scarier, the couch softer and Starsky’s smile more beautiful than he’d ever noticed before.  And he wanted the evening to last forever.

 

2.

If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
I’d save every day like a treasure and then
Again, I would spend them with you

 

Hutch eyed the shoes going by him this way and that.  White nurse shoes mostly.  Occasionally loafers or sneakers.  The worst was brown doctor shoes.  Doctor shoes that didn’t stop in front of him so the doctor wearing them could look into his eyes and reassure him that Starsky was going to be okay.  Sometimes Hutch had to resist the urge to cry out and stop the body wearing the doctor shoes but he figured no news is at least not the worst kind of news so he left well enough alone.

He was determined to believe that he’d gotten that syringe to Dr. Franklin in time, that an antidote could be prepared, that Starsky hadn’t run out of hours.  Not being allowed to stay with Starsky was bearing down on him. The guilt and fear that he’d not made it in time refused to loosen the bonds entangling his thoughts so he kept watching the shoes, waiting for the doctor shoes that finally stopped, hoping they’d be Dr. Franklin’s, praying he’d say Starsky would live.

How had this happened yet again?  It was only a few months ago Hutch was fighting the clock to save Starsky from a different danger.  In the back of Giovanni’s restaurant, bleeding to death, body going numb with damage and shock and no way to get help.  Hutch felt nauseated every time he thought about how close they came to losing everything that night.  If he hadn’t been able to secure Theresa’s help, if there hadn’t been a gun, if, if, if.  And meanwhile the clock was ticking, Monte was coming, Starsky was dying.  It was the worst day of his life.  Until today.

And this time they had help, had a doctor, had a hospital.  And what did they do?  They walked away from it.  To fight the clock on their own.  Hutch squeezed his eyes shut to erase the thought that maybe they’d made a huge mistake, maybe it would cost Starsky his life.

Clocks. Goddamned clocks.  Hutch felt like he never wanted to see another clock in all his life.  And no more watches for Starsky either. That’s it. Done with time.

Hutch felt himself slipping into insanity with the waiting.  He remembered when they’d had to trade Starsky’s watch for a taxi to bring Mello’s daughter, or at least who they’d thought was Mello’s daughter, down from San Francisco.  That was back when time was just a point in the day.  Not a symbol.  Not life or death.  Not Starsky’s life or death.

Seemed to Hutch like time had a different meaning to him now.  If Starsky made it.  If?  No, not if, when! Starsky would be okay.  He had to be okay. And when he was, Hutch would look at time differently.  Treasure it.  Never let it slip away from him again.

“You can see him now.”

The brown doctor shoes that carried Dr. Franklin were stopped in front of Hutch and he hadn’t even noticed.

 

3.

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do, once you find them
I’ve looked around enough to know
That you’re the one I want to go through time with

 

Hutch sat watching Starsky and Nancy bowl.  He knew Starsky thought he needed babysitting, but the truth was, as much as he loved Gillian, he was actually okay.  He hadn’t joined them bowling to forget his woes, keep himself from tears or any other such maudlin thing.  The reason was much simpler.  Basking in Starsky’s joy made him feel good.  Being the object of Starsky’s concern was an honor Hutch held dear.  And the two together gave him happiness.

Starsky had always taken care of him.

It was his own fault he’d lost Jeannie.  The drugs, the weakness, giving her location up, inexcusable.  Starsky risked everything to help him kick Forest’s forced addiction.  Starsky could have lost his badge saving him the way he did, but he didn’t hesitate a moment.  And when Hutch revealed that he’d betrayed Jeannie, Starsky was right there for him, convincing him it was the drugs and not his fault. Guilt is destructive, however, and Starsky took the brunt of his anger until he was clean enough to think straight.  In the aftermath Hutch let Jeannie go.  It was one of the hardest things he ever had to do, but when she was gone Starsky was still right there for him.  As always.

“Your turn, Hutch!”  Starsky was yelling over to him from the lane, Nancy tucked under his arm.

“In a minute Starsk.  Bowl my turn, will ya?  I need some air.”

Hutch knew Starsky wouldn’t deny him anything he needed right now.  And right now he needed to think.  He was on the threshold of something just out of reach and he had to figure out what it was.

Hutch stepped outside the bowling alley.  The sunshine was almost painfully bright so he rounded the corner, found a shady tree to sit under and continued his train of thought.

Abbey. Beautiful, sweet Abbey.  Hutch adored her.  After tricking Starsky and grabbing her for himself based solely on looks, it turned out they were actually a match made in heaven.  They enjoyed so many of the same interests.  One of their favorite pastimes was  grossing Starsky out with their health food choices, strange dinner menus, 48 hour fasting, and vitamin shakes that supposedly improved sexual stamina.  Starsky always took things in stride, allowed himself to be harassed with kale and banana chips, and was an all around good sport.

He could certainly have had a long relationship, maybe permanent relationship with Abbey.  He loved her.  But when that bastard Artie Solkin went after her he couldn’t blame her for leaving.  His job put Abbey’s life in jeopardy and of course she was scared.  She didn’t even give him a chance to choose her over the job.  She knew him.  She loved him enough to not make him have to choose.  And she was gone.  Just like that.

And who was there to pick up the pieces?  His rock.  Starsky.  As always.

“Hutch, you okay?”

Starsky had found him sitting back against a tree, staring at the sky, lost in thought. Something was there, taunting him. He was sure of it.

“Yeah, Starsk.  Okay.  Just thinking is all.”  He didn’t want Starsky to worry so he took the hand Starsky held out to him and allowed himself to be pulled upright.  He followed Starsky back inside.

He kept his eyes on Starsky and Nancy but again his mind wandered.

Gillian.  He loved Gillian, too. It wasn’t that long ago he’d introduced Gillian to Starsky in this very spot.  Little did he know at the time the complications she would bring to the relationship.  And she was killed before he ever found out about them.

And when she was found murdered, when he broke down in tears of loss and rage, Starsky held him tight, took his punch and his verbal abuse and loved him anyway.  Then Starsky set his head straight and led him to her killers.  Starsky was there for him.  Is still here for him.  As always.

It was at that very moment that Nancy decided to yell “Bingo!” instead of “Strike!” and how appropriate it was because Hutch finally grabbed what had been eluding him all day.  And it was suddenly so clear.

Starsky was all he needed.  Starsky would always be the most important person in his life.  The women would come and go and yes he’d love them, but without them he would go on and he would find happiness.

As long as he had Starsky.

This revelation was both comforting and frightening.  What would happen if it was Starsky he lost?

 

4.

If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty, except for the memory of how
They were answered by you

 

Leave it to Starsky to bring Captain Marvel into this.  He was dying and Starsky was trying to make him laugh.  He would have, too, for Starsky’s sake, if he could’ve found breath enough.  But there wasn’t time anyway.  Starsky was running out, and so he was running out.  Callendar was out there.  Somewhere.  If Starsky didn’t find him soon it was all over.  And so things had to be said.

He felt better, just having Starsky with him.  His touch really did take the pain away but he had to push him out, get him back on the streets because if he didn’t make it, Starsky would feel guilty he hadn’t been out there looking.  “Get outta here, will ya.” There, he said it.  And it had the desired effect.

He watched Starsky tear off the protective gown and mask.  He knew how he must be feeling.  He’d been there himself too many times not to know.  Starsky was being fueled by fear and rage now.  And that would help him on the streets.

Hutch would have liked to give in right then.  Give in to the pain, ride it into oblivion.  Stop fighting, find relief from the grip the bacteria had on his insides, let it be over.  But he couldn’t leave Starsky.  He had to fight this thing with all he had because he didn’t want Starsky coming back to find him gone.  He’d been on the other side, he’d lived that possibility.  Starsky always pulled through for him.  He had to pull through for Starsky.

It was the same thing when he was trapped under his car last year.  After being alone, unable to move, in constant pain, hungry, thirsty, bleeding, he nearly gave up.  It was too much, and when he closed his eyes and felt himself slip away there was comfort in it, an easiness of mind, and he wanted to let go so badly.

Then suddenly Starsky’s face would appear and he’d see the pain in his eyes, finding him too late.  Starsky would be devastated, racked with guilt, and alone.  He couldn’t do it.  He couldn’t let Starsky find him dead so he held on, held on with pure will and waited.

When he felt Starsky’s hands on his cheeks he didn’t believe at first it was real.  He thought maybe he’d been lax and let go and this was death, this warmth, this comfort, this touch. Then he heard the relief and love in Starsky’s voice and he knew he’d been found.

And Starsky would be okay.

 

5.

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do, once you find them
I’ve looked around enough to know
That you’re the one I want to go through time with

 

It took only seconds.  Hutch heard the scraping of car against car, saw the glint of a weapon, repeatedly screamed Starsky’s name.  And he felt the pounding of his heart slamming against his ribs when Starsky didn’t answer.

And it was done.  Starsky never had a chance.  There was nowhere to go.  So he took the split second he had to try to save Hutch.  But he never even got a round out.

There simply wasn’t enough time this time.

Hutch’s world had just collapsed.

 

Hutch hung up the phone and slowly made his way back to where Dobey was still standing, peering in the window at Starsky’s too still form.  Dobey had wanted to make the call.  But a long ago promise to be the one “if ever” made it Hutch’s responsibility.

To his credit, Dobey didn’t ask how it went or what she said.  Only said, “I’m sorry you had to do that, Hutch.”

“Somehow it changes everything, Captain.  Makes it all the more real.  If he was gonna be okay, I wouldn’t have had to call.  He wouldn’t have wanted me to.  He’s never wanted me to.”

“Hutch…”

“Don’t, Captain.  Don’t say he’s going to pull through this.  We don’t know that.  And the doctors don’t believe it anyway.” His voice cracked at the end and the anyway came out only a whisper.

The balance began to leave his legs and when Dobey noticed he found him a chair.  Hutch turned it around to lean his hands on the back and sat there lost and alone as he stared longingly at what used to be the most vibrant person he knew.

He’d known their time together could be cut short. He’d known for a long time.  He knew it after they hit the streets as a team and Starsky’s safety became more important than his own.  A reality that grew each and every day, never ending, even now.  He knew it when Starsky was shot way back when, nearly dying at the hands of those hired guns in the back room of a lousy restaurant.  And when Bellamy and Jennings decided to make Starsky spend the last hours of his life searching for his own killer, Hutch had made a promise that when Starsky lived through it, he’d look at time differently.  He would hoard it, treasure it, make the most of every minute of it.

He had forgotten this promise for a while.  Their relationship took a few punches.  But they were a solid team again now, their partnership stronger than ever.  They’d long ago made up after the last year of periodically shutting each other out, of drifting apart, of Kira.  But today was the first day in a long while that Hutch really felt all of that was finally behind them.  The sharing was back, the banter unforced, the communication clear.  It felt free.  It felt easy.  When they walked outside headquarters Hutch even promised Starsky the dinner he’d won.  Hutch didn’t even want to tease and threaten to renege.  A play he would certainly have pulled a year ago.

Huggy approached and once again Hutch had to say aloud, “he’s dying.”  He battled himself to hold back his tears and when the doctor finally let him in to see Starsky it was just in time.

Hutch never imagined a person could be wrapped in that much gauze and tubing and still be alive.  He wondered how far gone you have to be to not even be able to breathe by yourself.  And the battle was lost, the tears fell.

He didn’t know how long he sat silently watching.   Without Starsky, time no longer mattered, anyway.

It was a couple years later by the time all the trials were over and Gunther was finally put away for good.  They sat together on the couch watching the news for the third time that day.  Hutch never got tired of seeing confirmation that Gunther was going to prison for life or watching the clips of Gunther being led away.

Hutch put his hand on Starsky’s leg.  “We really got him, Starsk.  It’s over.”

“So no more thinkin’ about him, Hutch.  The best revenge is us, still here, still on the streets.  It’s our time now.”  Starsky smiled.

It was another smile Hutch could file away with the recently hard won smiles he’d collected when Starsky walked again for the first time, when he ate a burrito again, when he was reinstated, and the day when finally they were back together on the job again.

“Starsk, I love you.”

“I love you, too, Hutch.”

They no longer had trouble saying it out loud.  And the beer was colder, the pizza tastier, the couch softer, and both their smiles brighter than ever.

 

Song credit:  Time In A Bottle by Jim Croce

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