Too Many Balls in Play

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I should have the balls to walk back in there and prove that I wanted nothing more than to take him home with me, but I couldn’t. ‘Ironic,’ I thought. ‘Balls are the problem…we both have ’em and that’s what I can’t get past. Maybe it’ll take a referee to sort this one out.’ Hutch had come out here to declare his love and I’d done nothing but hurt him, physically and emotionally. Maybe he would be better off without me. I’d run from him and he’d come after me. I knew he wouldn’t do it a second time. He’d served the ball and it was now in my court.

 

Thanks once again to Annie Booker for helping me get the bugs out of this.

I’m dedicating this story to Dianne Sancetta.  She’s always there with comments and support and has almost single-handedly kept me from giving up writing.

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Morning smacked me awake suddenly and I flailed against it, my hands connecting with something solid. The reproachful ‘Ow!’ tipped me off and I turned my head to see Hutch, eyes watering, holding his nose.

“Sorry…not used to having a bunk mate. Is it broken?” I asked, mortified.

He moved the wounded structure back and forth carefully and smiled.

“My beak’s fine, but you definitely broke my train of thought.”

I scrubbed my face with my hands, making sure I got the gunk out of the corners of my eyes. Hoping my breath wouldn’t hurl him across the room, I turned toward him and propped my head up.

“Why the heck were you hovering, anyway?” Seemed like a logical question.

“I was watching you sleep and having some very erotic thoughts about waking you up.” He flashed me a devilish grin. “If I’d known you were gonna deck me, I’d have booked a room with two beds.”

I grinned back. “None of that, buddy-boy. From now on, we’re joined at the hip. When we get our own place…”

“Our own place.” His eyes sparkled like blue crystals. “This is really happening, isn’t it? I keep thinking I’m gonna wake up and it’ll all be a dream.”

I attacked him, wrapping my arms around his warm body. “M-m-m-m. You’re the only dream in this room, babe. Now how about tellin’ me some of that e-rotic stuff…wait…hold that thought, I gotta take a leak.”

“You have the soul of a poet, Starsk.” I evaded the smack he tried to land on my ass and ran for the bathroom.

I studied myself in the mirror while I brushed my teeth. I didn’t look much different for a guy who’d had his world rocked the night before. My mouth was chapped and I thought I’d outgrown hickeys a long time ago, but there it was, Hutch’s mark on my neck, branding me his property. ‘I should go out there and give him one to match before we go home,’ I thought.

My stomach lurched. Home…back to Ma and with very visible evidence of what we’d been doing. My euphoria went south and a feeling of shame stepped up to take its place. How was I going to be able to face her or anyone else who knew, for that matter. While this room had been our own little world, I’d been ecstatic, but now…? I didn’t even know if I could look Hutch in the eye again. What the hell was wrong with me? Last night had been the culmination of years of yearning, I loved Hutch with all my heart, but I was feeling shame, remorse, fear and what was worse, he would be the first one to realize it. He knew me too well.

The tap on the door startled me. “Starsk?”

“Yeah, I’ll be right out.”

“Better get a move on, babe. I just glanced at your watch and we need to pack up and check out, pronto.”

“I said I’d be right out, Hutch!” I snapped. And immediately bit my tongue.

“You all right?” He sounded hurt. ‘Dammit! Hadn’t I already hurt him enough?’ I opened the door and tried to brush past him without looking him in the eye, but he grabbed me by the arm and whirled me around.

“What’s wrong, Starsk? And don’t say nothing, because I know better.” He dissected me with his eyes.

“What is it? Did I hurt you?”

“I was just thinking maybe we could stay another night,” I muttered lamely, trying to look anywhere but into his eyes. “I don’t want to share you with anybody yet.”

He wasn’t buying it. He grasped my chin and made me look at him. “Are you ashamed of loving me? And don’t even try to lie to me, ’cause I’ll know.” The pained look on his face stabbed me in the heart. “Please don’t tell me it’s over already, that you’re having second thoughts. Don’t say one night of heaven is all I get.”

“No…god, no, babe. I’m not ashamed of you. I’d love to be able to tell the whole world that somebody as special as you loves me…me…I don’t deserve you. It’s just stepping out of this room and havin’ people know what went on here…”

He shook his head in disgust and turned away. “I was prepared to deal with homophobia, but not from you.”

“Hutch, don’t give up on me. Give me a chance.” I pleaded. “Last night was terrific and I don’t even understand why I’m feelin’ like this. I need some time to get my mind wrapped around it.”

He slumped down in a chair. “Tell me something. You said yesterday that you’d realized you were in love with me long ago. Is this why you never said anything? Because you were more comfortable just thinking it than actually doing it?”

“No, that’s not it at all. I just didn’t think that you would be open to something like…that.”

“Like what? Something like love or something like homosexuality?”

“You know.”

“So, if you were to walk through your mom’s door with a woman after spending the night in a motel, you wouldn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed?”

I could see that this interrogation wasn’t going anywhere good. “Maybe a little, but…”

“But not nearly as much, right?”

“Hutch, can’t we just let it go for now?”

“Yeah, I already know the answer.” He sighed. “I guess I can understand, but I can’t say that it doesn’t hurt like hell. When you come right down to it, you are saying that you’re ashamed of me. Maybe it would be best if I just booked the room for a couple more days. You go home and see if you can come to terms with the whole idea.”

“Hutch, that’s not what I want.”

“Isn’t it? Just take the car and go, Starsk. I’ve got everything I need within walking distance.” He threw me the keys.

“Hutch…”

“Just go.” he said, more forcefully. “I need time to think, too.”

“Please come with me, Hutch.”

“I’ll come with you when and if you decide you value our relationship more than you do your macho pride.” He looked up at me, his beautiful blue eyes lifeless and cold as a frozen creek. “But I’m not waiting forever, Starsky. I have a job to get back to.”

I could see that there was nothing I could say at the moment that would make his pain go away. I walked out the door, knowing that I’d held the whole world in my hands and let it drop and shatter into a million pieces.

I sat in the car for awhile, wondering what to do. I should have the balls to walk back in there and prove that I wanted nothing more than to take him home with me, but I couldn’t. ‘Ironic,’ I thought. ‘Balls are the problem…we both have ’em and that’s what I can’t get past. Maybe it’ll take a referee to sort this one out.’ Hutch had come out here to declare his love and I’d done nothing but hurt him, physically and emotionally. Maybe he would be better off without me. I’d run from him and he’d come after me. I knew he wouldn’t do it a second time. He’d served and the ball was now in my court.

Was he right, would I have been content just to love him from a distance? Maybe I’d been running from myself when I left Bay City.

I started the car and headed home.

The house was empty and quiet. I was puzzled until it dawned on me that it was Saturday…Shabbat and Ma had gone to Tabernacle, as usual. Glad to have the house to myself for a little while before I had to face her and try to explain the situation, I went up to my room and flopped down on the bed. Tired and discouraged, I fell asleep.

The pounding on my door woke me and I slowly swam to the surface of consciousness.

I had been lost in a dream…alone on a beach, walking in the sand. I looked up to see Hutch through a mist, his eyes sad and his golden hair blowing in the breeze and I started to run toward him, but the more I ran, the further away he seemed to be and then he started to turn and walk away. I guessed I wouldn’t be needing a psychic to interpret that one for me.

I stumbled to the door and opened it. My mom was standing there and I could tell that she was worried.

“I’m sorry to disturb you two. I came home and saw the car, but the house was all dark and your door was locked and when you didn’t answer…” She looked around the room. “Where’s Ken? Don’t tell me he had to spend another night in the hospital. Was his head injury worse than they thought?”

Ma was a typical Jewish mother, a nurturer and a worrier. She loved her boys passionately and after Pop had been killed so suddenly, she’d gone into overdrive. That’s why she’d ended up sending me to California when I’d started to hang with the wrong crowd. She’d loved me so much that she was willing to make the sacrifice to be sure that I didn’t end up getting hurt, too. It had taken me awhile to understand that, but once I had, I loved her all the more for her over protectiveness.

“Ma, calm down…Hutch is fine. He just decided to stay at the hotel a couple more nights, that’s all.”

She narrowed her eyes and studied me. “What did you do?”

“What makes you think I did anything?” I bristled.

“Because that boy was so happy when he left here he was walking on air. Did you reject him?”

“You know I didn’t, Ma. I stayed with him last night, remember?” Even that much was hard for me to say.

“Then what happened? Weren’t you able to…?”

I cringed. “Mother, I’m not about to discuss my sex life with you. I’m fine, Hutch is fine…just leave it at that for now. We both need time to work some things out. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Do I have to call him and get the facts?” she asked sternly. “I’m not about to let you ruin the best thing that ever happened to you.”

“But maybe I’m not the best thing that could have happened to him.” This was going way beyond the bounds of my comfort zone.

“And you think you’re the best judge of that? Davey, you don’t know all that went on while you were in a coma. Do you know that Hutch called me every night and I never heard anyone sound so lost in my life. He thought you were going to die!”

“Well, maybe I should’ve.” I snarled. “Maybe then he would have gone on to have a normal life with a wife, kids, a house with a picket fence. Do you think God decided that we belonged together? He must have one helluva sense of humor.”

“Don’t you dare second guess God, David Starsky! Love is a gift and you’re ready to throw it all away like so much trash.”

“And if Pop was alive? Do you suppose he would be proud that his oldest son turned out to be a fag?”

She recoiled as if I’d slapped her. “I feel sorry for you, David. But it tears my heart out thinking that Ken is alone in a hotel room, in a strange city…eating his heart out, wondering if his life is over.”

“Go ahead and twist the knife, Ma. Do you think I’m happy about all this?” I asked, saddened that I’d now managed to disappoint the two people who loved me the most. “I don’t even understand why I’m feeling this way.”

She reached out and laid her hand on my cheek. “Do me one favor, Davey. Call your Captain Dobey and ask him what life has been like for Ken since you left him. He’s the one who asked me to call and see if I could help him. Will you do that for me?”

“I’d do anything to end this conversation, believe me.”

She started to leave, then turned and hugged me. “Baby, isn’t it wonderful to have so many people who love you so much?” She planted a kiss on my cheek. “If you want to talk after you make that call, I’ll be in the kitchen. I’ve planned a big dinner for tomorrow, all of your favorites.”

“The Paul Muni special?”

She grinned. “I know my son. And I know you’ll work your way through this.”

‘Isn’t it wonderful to have so many people who love you so much,’ I thought. ‘Almost the same words Gillian had said when I literally tried to force her out of Hutch’s life because I thought I knew what was best for him, or had it really been because I thought it was best for me, even then?’

I was reluctant to call Cap’n Dobey so late at night, then I remembered that it was three hours earlier on the west coast. I fished the number out of my desk drawer and dialed the phone.

It was good to hear his voice again and I realized how much I missed my old life, even with all the risks and the pain it had caused me…and Hutch.

“Starsky, it’s good to hear from you. Are you calling to get your job back? We could sure use you and Hutch back here.”

“I don’t know, Cap’n. It’s something to think about.” I hadn’t expected that. “Something I need to know, though. You called Ma and asked her to talk to Hutch. Would you mind telling me why?”

“I don’t know how you’re going to take this, son, but I’ve had my suspicions for a long time that you two meant more to each other than partners. The truth is, he fell apart when you left. He started drinking pretty heavy and I had my hands full just trying to keep him on the job. He refused to accept a new partner and I had to keep moving him from one job to another because nobody wanted to work with him. He was too unstable. I was going to be forced to put him on unpaid leave of absence for punching one of our young guys out cold just for asking about you when he came and told me he was taking leave to go to New York.”

“Cap’n, I’m having trouble accepting that…”

“You don’t have to tell me, Dave. I used to feel the same way I think you’re feeling.” He paused. “I had a really religious upbringing and things were different when I was growing up. The world is changing and I’ve had to change with it. Especially after John Blaine. I spent a few sleepless nights thinking that one over.”

“Yeah, I lived next door to him…he was like a father to me and I never knew he was gay.”

“Was he? I don’t really know and he can’t tell us, can he? What I’m trying to say is…does your loving Hutch mean you’re gay or does it just mean that you love Hutch?”

“Cap’n…”

“John would be proud of you if he could see you stand by Hutch and let the ones who care about you most know the way you feel about him and so would I, Starsky. Don’t let your past put an end to your future.”

“Thanks, Cap’n. You don’t know how much that means to me.”

“Let’s not get mushy about it, Detective. Just get on with it and get your butt back here where you belong.”

“No promises.”

“I can accept that. Give my best to your mom. She’s one of a kind.”

“She is, isn’t she?”

“I’ve got to go, Cal and Rosie are begging me to play Monopoly with them. I hate that game, but you gotta do what you gotta do.”

“Good luck.”

“I’ll need it. And talk to Hutch. We’re lost without Zebra three.”

I don’t even remember hanging up the phone. It came as a big shock to me to know that Captain Dobey was actually human.

I wandered in the direction of the kitchen, the familiar aroma of a cake in the oven taking me back in time. Ma was sitting at the kitchen table, lost in thought.

“Ma?”

She looked up and smiled.

“Feeling better?”

“There’s still a piece of the puzzle missing, but I guess if the three people who know me best don’t have a problem with my lifestyle, how can I?”

“Maybe I can provide you with that puzzle piece. I was just running a few old movies in my mind.”

I sat down across from her. “Dramas…or comedies?”

She laughed. “A little of both, I guess. Do you remember why I finally made the decision that you should go stay with your Aunt Rosie and Uncle Al?”

“‘Cause I was giving you gray hairs?”

“Be a little kinder to yourself, Davey. You were a 12-year-old, trying to deal with seeing your father, your hero, shot down right in front of you…then the trial…being called as a witness and having to live through it all over again.”

“So you’re reviewing horror movies, then.” I said sadly.

“You were mad at the world and everyone in it for awhile. Remember your friend Aaron?”

“I remember he got picked on a lot.”

“And why did he get picked on so much?” she urged softly.

A light bulb went on in my head. “He was different. The other kids thought he was gay.”

“Only gay wasn’t the word they used back then. When you used a form of the word a few minutes ago, it shocked me. I haven’t heard it in years.”

“I tried to tell him not to act the way he did, but he wouldn’t listen. So all I could do was protect him.”

“And?”

“It was guilt by association. They started calling me a faggot, too.”

“And one day you came home so beaten up that I could hardly recognize you. You were angry and all you wanted to do was fight after that. I knew I had to get you away from those kids before you got yourself killed. Unfortunately, for a long time you believed you were being sent away because I thought maybe you were …

“A faggot.”

“I don’t think you even knew exactly what that meant back then. You grew up and got past it, but maybe…?

“Maybe.” I got up from the table so fast I tipped over the chair. “Ma, if I’m lucky, we won’t be back until tomorrow.”

“You’re going to Hutch!”

“If he’ll still have me. Say a prayer for me.”

“He loves you, sweetie. He’ll understand.” She laughed. “And I’ve heard make-up sex is wonderful.”

“Ma! What am I gonna do with you?” I still wasn’t feeling that liberated.

“Just be happy, that’s all I ever wanted for you.”

“Love ya. I’m going home, that’s wherever Hutch is.”

“Dinner’s at one o’clock. Don’t be late.”

“Not a chance.” I picked the chair up and set it in its place. “Dammit, where did I put my coat?”

“Don’t curse. I laid it out on the back of the couch. I knew you’d be needing it.”

“Are you psychic, too?”

“I think every mother is a little bit psychic when it comes to their children. Call me…I don’t care how late it is. I’ll be up.”

“I’ll do it…thanks, Ma. You’re the best.”

“Don’t screw it up again, baby. Most couples only need one cupid to get them together. You’ve gone through at least three.” She chuckled. “I think you might be just a little bit dense.”

“Throw in some stubborn and I’ll agree with you.”

“That you got from me.” She all but pushed me out the door. “Get going. Ken’s waiting.”

Traffic was almost non existent, so I got to the hotel in record time. A lot of pressure on the foot feed could have been a factor, too. I didn’t care how many laws I broke.

Hutch opened the door almost immediately, so I knew he hadn’t been sleeping. He looked tired, like he’d been sitting in the same chair I’d left him in…wondering…thinking, which could spell trouble for me. He didn’t say a word, just stepped aside and let me in.

I grabbed him and hugged him. I was gratified to feel his arms come up and tighten around me. I could have stood there like that for hours, feeling the warmth of his arms holding me close.

“Don’t you think I should close the door?” he asked.

“I don’t care. Let the whole world in on this if you want.”

He closed the damn thing anyway. I steered him to the chair and dropped down by his feet, my head in his lap.

“I don’t know how I could have been so stupid. You’re the most precious thing in the world to me and I’ve done nothing but hurt you since you got here. I’ve been acting like a idiot…a cruel, ignorant, immature…”

“Moron.” he finished for me.

“You’re right, I am a moron and you’ve always known it.”

“Starsk, when I call you a moron, it’s a term of affection, not an insult.”

“Term of affection or not, I am one. Can you ever forgive me?”

“I forgave you the minute I opened the door.”

“Then why didn’t you…”

“Let you off the hook? I was kinda enjoying the groveling, to tell you the truth.” His fingers combed through my hair.

“Sadist.”

“Besides, I knew you’d be back.”

“How? I wasn’t even sure of that myself.”

“Babe, look at me.”

I did what he told me. His face was radiant, full of love for me.

“We’re total opposites…I think things to death, you react impulsively. That’s what makes us a good team. We hold each other together.” He grinned. “Besides, who in their right mind would let a catch like me get away?”

“You’re right, but don’t get a swelled head over it.”

“Too late for that. Do you have a cure for it?” He laughed at my expression. “You really should choose your words more carefully. You walked right into that one.”

“I think even a moron could figure out a few ways to fix that problem. But one thing first.”

“Don’t make me wait long. I want a naked, willing body in bed with me soon…real soon.”

I got up on my knees and looked into eyes as blue as a sunlit Caribbean sea. I took his hand and held it tightly.

“Hutch, love of my life, would you do me the very great honor of sharing the rest of my life with me, starting with sitting by my side at the huge spread my mom is fixing to welcome you into the family?”

“It would be my pleasure, Starsk.” He pulled me up against him and kissed me, tangling his fingers in my hair.

“Now would you do me the honor of getting your ass in that bed with me?” he asked,

“Hold that thought.”

He groaned. “Not again. You know, your bladder takes all the spontaneity out of sex.”

“Not this time. I have to call Ma.”

“It’s really late. She’s probably asleep.”

“You don’t know Ma. I have orders to call.”

I started to get up off the floor and found out that it was more of a challenge than I’d expected, but Hutch jumped out of the chair and hauled me to my feet.

“A few months layin’ around and you get out of shape. Must be hell to get old.” he quipped.

“I’ll show you who’s old in a minute.” I growled.

While I dialed the number, he draped his body around me. I found myself hoping that when we got really old, it would still feel that good to have him hold me.

She answered on the first ring.

“Ma, guess who’s coming to dinner?” The squeal that came through the phone just about blew my eardrums out.

“Thank you for calling, Davey. Now I can sleep.”

As far as sleep was concerned, we didn’t get much. The housecleaning staff had to knock on our door a couple times before we had all our stuff packed up and ready to go.

It was Sunday, so the traffic was a little lighter, but the parking situation was worse. We finally found a spot a few blocks away and started walking back to the house.

“Do I look alright?” Hutch fidgeted.

“You asked me that at the hotel, and again in the car. You look like the gorgeous, long-legged blond I always thought I’d be bringing home to my mom someday, with a few minor alterations and I’m not just sayin’ that because I’m in love with you, either, before you start chewing on that thought.”

“I want you to be proud of me.”

“Now who’s got the jitters?” I whirled him around so fast that he almost tripped and gave him a kiss, right there on the sidewalk. “Does that feel like I’m ashamed of you, Hutch?”

The smile that lit his face rivaled the sun.

“Are you the same man that walked out on me yesterday or did you make a pact with the devil?”

“Hey, in the first place I didn’t walk out on you; you as much as threw me out and I’m glad you did. And secondly, it took two angels to make me see the light. No devil involved. It’s a long story and I’ll tell you about it sometime.”

“I’d sure love to hear it now.”

“Pace yourself, blondie. We have the rest of our lives to talk when we’re tired of screwin’ each other senseless.”

He started to laugh. “Do you realize that those were the first words you ever said to me?”

That stopped me dead in my tracks. “I never said anything about screwin’.”

“Not that, dummy. Do you remember running into me and hauling me off the floor the first day we met at the Academy.”

“I remember your clumsy ass runnin’ into me!”

“You said, ‘Pace yourself, blondie. You keep runnin’ into things and you’ll get yourself bounced right out of here.”

“So I guess we’ve come full circle.” I grinned. “But you’re still a clumsy ox.”

“I didn’t hear any complaints last night.”

“And you’re not gonna, either. At least, not right now. I’ll critique your performance later.”

“Oh, now that hurts.” He pouted comically.

“Get over it and while you’re at it, let’s get on with it. We don’t want to be late.”

Ma must have been watching for us because the door flew open the minute we hit the steps.

“What took you so long? I thought you’d be here over an hour ago.”

“Goldilocks here had to keep rushing back to the mirror to admire his image.”

She reached up and brushed back one of my stray curls. “Maybe you should take a lesson from him. Let me look at you.”

She studied my face and smiled. “Now that’s the look I hoped to see. Are you happy?”

“As a clam, Ma, but I’m hungry, too.”

She turned her attention toward Hutch. “Some things never change, do they?”

He smiled. “He’s definitely hopeless when it comes to food, Rachael.”

“I know you have a mother and I don’t expect to take her place, but I’d absolutely love it if you’d call me Mom someday, too, Ken.”

“I don’t think that’ll be a hard assignment at all.”

She hugged him and then pushed him back a little so she could look at him closely. “You’re happy, too?”

“I’ve never been happier.”

I was beginning to feel a little uncomfortable.

“I thought somebody said there’d be food, Ma.”

“Just sit down for a couple minutes and relax. It’s almost ready.”

“Anything I can help you with, Mom?” Hutch offered.

“It’s all under control.” She beamed at him, her eyes glistening with tears. “You know, I’ve considered you my son ever since those days Davey was in the hospital and you started calling me every night. It didn’t take me long to realize just how much you cherished him  Now it’s official.”

Hutch grinned at me. “Brothers, huh? Guess that makes our relationship even kinkier.”

“You keep up this conversation and our relationship could end abruptly.” I grumbled, anxious to change the subject.

Ma giggled. “You two even bicker like a married couple.”

“Okay, that’s about enough, this is bordering on lunacy.” I griped.

She glanced at me and smiled sweetly. “By the way, I like the new look.”

“What new look?”

“Well, that love bite on your neck looked a little one-sided. The new one on the other side balances it out quite nicely.” She winked at Hutch and disappeared into the kitchen.

“Ma!” I bellowed, outraged.

Hutch burst out laughing.

I glared at him darkly. “You’re enjoying the hell out of this, aren’t you, Hutchinson?”

“Aw, does it show?”

“Well, yuck it up. Just bear in mind, I expect to be making a trip to Duluth with you very soon to break the good news to your family. That is, if you’re not ashamed of me.” I flashed him an evil grin. “I haven’t given anyone a hickey in a long time, but I just might make an exception for you. Teach you not to act like a teenager.”

That sobered him up real quick.

“So help me, Starsky…”

“I think you’ll be needing all the help you can get, blintz. I have a notion that your folks aren’t gonna be quite so understanding. Maybe we could take Ma with us. She’d set ’em straight.”

“Soup’s on, boys.” She hollered from the kitchen.

I got up and motioned for him to go first. As he passed, I grabbed hold of a handful of butt cheek and squeezed, hard. He yelped, giving me a great deal of satisfaction.

“Just wait ’till she starts callin’ you Kenny and pickin’ out your clothes for you, little brother.” I whispered in his ear, taking the time to grasp the lobe between my teeth and bite down, just a little.

Never the end