Where Unicorns Go

Home after Gunther with Hutch but still under heavy sedation, Starsky struggles with flashbacks of war.

Post Sweet Revenge.

Story Notes:

Warning: Some graphic war depictions.

He stood motionless, gazing out through the film of fog that dripped down the window. For the longest period of time he tried to focus on the distorted images of the outside world. Seeking in the night for the strength to carry on. He finally wiped away the moisture on the window to reveal the velvet black, polished sky. Tiny flames flickered against the blackened canvas that spread over the earth.

Come on, Hutchinson, you’ve got to pull yourself together here. It’s only been a few weeks since he got out of the hospital. Going to be rough for a while. Pain is part of healing, emotional and physical. You were taught that a long time ago. Not an easy thing to accept though, when it’s you that has to stare into the eyes of pain. The pleading eyes of your partner and best friend in the world. Pleading with you to make it stop. Pleading with you, not to give him another pill that will send him into a whirling cyclone of demon- filled sleep.

I can’t shake the images of that day. God they won’t leave me. The blood bubbling from his lips. The slow rise and fall of his chest; stealing away his life with every ragged breath. Each intake of air was coated with the sound of his dying. Rivulets of blood poured from his back and wound down the cement like tiny rivers breaking off into all different directions. I couldn’t build a dam fast enough or big enough to stop the blood flow. He fought like a lion to stay alive. Almost died. Hell, he did die. Somehow he made it back.

Can’t help but wonder where did he go in those few minutes of teetering between here and forever? Can’t help but wonder where he goes now? Painkillers drag him so far under sometimes even I can’t reach him. He’s somewhere though. I see it in those hollow eyes of his. His mind is somewhere, reliving something, feeling something. When he looks at me; he is seeing right through me. It’ s like he’s in another dimension.

Damn. I couldn’t prevent it. Couldn’t cover him couldn’t back him up. Couldn’t get to him. I-I j-just couldn’t do a damn thing to protect my partner, not a damn lousy thing. I watched the shadow of death creep across the police parking garage and spread across his face and…and. Hutch tried to shake the empty cold void in his heart his eyes screwing shut tight I-I can’t make it g-go away that picture in my head just won’t leave me alone. It plays over and over, frame-by-frame, in my head every damned day. I’ll live with that haunting image for the rest of my life. Even now that he’s safe, sleeping in my bedroom, alive. But all I see is that day. When I looked into his eyes and saw death.

The ominous silence in Hutch’s apartment suddenly faded as a curdling scream wafted through the air. “Damn those pills.” Hutch ran to his partner’s side stumbling and nearly knocking the table lamp off the nightstand. He grabbed it before it hit the floor. The shade still hung cockeyed, as he sat on the edge of the bed and scooped his partner up. Hutch clung to Starsky tight, rocking him in his arms trying to offer some small measure of peace and comfort. “Starsk, hey, hey. Your here with me, buddy. Wake up. Rise and shine.” Hutch closed his eyes to the small whimper that now escaped his partner. Where do those pain meds take him? Far away some place. Sometimes peaceful but more often it’s some place of horror, judging from the trembling and fine sheen of sweat that covers his face. “Aww Starsk? Where’d those pills take you this time pal? Huh?” Hutch got more situated on the bed and held his friend closer still, till he felt him relaxing against him.

It took a few more minutes of Hutch’s rocking and gentle voice in his ears before Starsky could pull himself out of his prescription induced dimension. He drew in a long, slow breath and exhaled it in weary recognition. “Hey Blintz. Time to eat yet?” He tried to chuckle but choked on the dryness of his own throat.

Hutch sat up and leaned Starsky against the headrest of the bed. “Hold on buddy. Going to get you some water.” Starsky sat up more and welcomed the moment alone to gather his senses. Painkillers huh. Those damned doctors don’t know a thing. More like an acid trip half the time, sending me around the world in eight hours. I hate those things. I’m not taking ’em any more. Hutch glided across the room in long strides the water sloshing over the rim of the glass and ice cubes clinking together. Hutch opened his mouth to speak but his now coherent partner beat him to the starting gate. “Hutch, I’m not taking any more of those pills. They knock me out and I don’t like how I feel when I wake up.” Starsky took the offered glass, also sloshing some over the rim as his hand quivered, taking small sips.

“Starsky, doc’s orders. You can’t go without pain pills right now pal and you know it.” Starsky had a long drawn out speech; about where the doctor could file those orders and the pain pills to boot, but Hutch stopped him cold with his finger of authority. Starsky rolled his eyes; arguing with Hutch’s finger just took too much effort these days and besides even if he had a two-headed coin he still would lose that battle.

Hutch held Starsky up as they took baby steps toward the couch. “How about some soup and crackers for dinner tonight? How’s that sound, partner?”

“Terrific!” Starsky’s voice lacked enthusiasm. Just before they reached the sofa a spot deep in his chest began to burn like hot embers and he nearly slumped to the floor.

Hutch caught him quickly and half dragged him the last few feet to their destination. Starsky clutched his chest and his eyes slammed shut against the burning sensation. Hutch grasped at Starsky’s hand that clung to his chest and held on to it tight with his partner. It was pointless for Hutch to say a word Starsky would have to ride the wave of pain out on his own. All Hutch could do was hold on tight with him and hope the wave hit the shore quick. Hutch’s gaze went momentarily to the kitchen-stove clock. Still had another hour and a half before the next damned twilight zone pill could be swallowed. He wondered if it was worth the trip to that other world for his partner to escape the pain. Hutch’s eyes went back to his partner’s that were still squeezed shut. He slowly breathed in and out fighting back the pain. Starsky’s cloudy blue eyes finally reappeared to gaze back up at Hutch, who was looking so forlorn.

“You okay now buddy?” Hutch asked with hope in his transparent blue eyes.

“Yeah, yeah. S’okay now Blondie. How about that soup huh?” Starsky tried to steer the eyes of concern and worry away from him. It hurt more to see Hutch’s pain than to feel his own.

Hutch rummaged in the kitchen, pots and pans clunking. “Hey Starsk?” His words a little unsure. “Want to talk about the dreams you keep having?” Hutch’s words were more hopeful now. Maybe talking about his sleep world would help alleviate some of the nightmares his friend was having.

Starsky sighed heavily. He didn’t really remember all that much and he sure didn’t feel like using valuable energy talking about things that go bump in the night. He knew, however, Hutch deserved some explanation so he tried to give a quick synopsis. “I don’t know Hutch, it’s, it’s like living in two different worlds. There’s my awake world here and now, where I know you’re here and I’m here in the apartment and…and it hurts man.” He stopped for a steadying breath still fighting back twinges of pain. “But when I take those damn undercover jellybeans, I-I go to this other world. A world I just don’t care to be in. A world where you’re not there.”

Hutch stopped his clanking and went to sit by his friend. “Where’s this world partner?”

Starsky fidgeted a bit this conversation went too far. “Don’t really remember much.” He half lied. He did remember some.

The finger of authority bolted upright to his face again. “Starsk, come on now spit it out.”

Starsky grabbed the finger and gave it a squeeze and pulled it into a hand lock. “Hutch. ‘Nam okay. I think I dream of ‘Nam. Could we not talk about this anymore right now.”

Hutch knew enough when it was time to let his partner alone and, with a quick gentle squeeze of the hand that held his, he rose to finish making dinner. Starsky settled back on the couch, his chest feeling better for the moment. He contemplated his two worlds while listening to the soft musical whistle of his partner slaving over a steaming pan of soup. One world was the present full of pain yet comfort and love from his partner. The other dimension, that of doctor’s orders. The pills sending him back to a time he’d much rather forget. A time and world that differed so much from the one he lived in now. His dreams always shook him. The horror of that time in his life had been placed in a secured spot in his mind. Now the damned pills he took to ease the pain of Gunther’s attack were dragging up from the tar pits of hell things he’d half had forgotten and half didn’t even remember.

Starsky slurped the last spoonful of soup. “Least your appetite is back, buddy. Good to the last drop huh?” Hutch took the bowl over to the kitchen sink.

Starsky’s eyes shot upward. “Oh yeah Blintz um, um good. I’ve been on a liquid diet for how long now? I need real food, Hutch. A chili dog smothered in onions and Tabasco sauce, jalapeno-covered tostada, a couple candy bars out of the hallway vending machine and a beer would be nice.” Starsky knew it would be an impossible feat for his stomach to handle those foods. But to say his four basic food groups out loud gave him some level of normalcy.

“Gordo, you’re lucky I’m not feeding you wheat germ shakes.” Hutch looked at the clock again. “Time for….”

Starsky interrupted “Yeah, yeah. Time for my trip to Never Never Land.”

Hutch brushed his friend’s shoulders lightly with his fingertips as he walked by to get the ‘undercover jellybeans,’ as his partner chose to call them.

*****

Images came to him slowly. He rung and twisted the sheets around him. His hands clenched at the bedding and his body was rigid and sweating. Starsky eased out of bed and padded quietly past Hutch. His drug induced sleepwalk took him to the green house where he unconsciously locked the door and sat upon the laminated floor against a large flowerpot. He was adrift now in the dimension of his drug-laden world.

Hutch woke to the soft hum of the refrigerator. Silvery shadows of the streetlights below bounced around the living room. He rose stiffly from the sofa. He had business in the john but first would take a look in on his partner. The floor creaked under his weight as he entered the bedroom. Tussled sheets and pillows lay upon the floor but his friend was not among the remnants.

Hutch’s quick sweep of the apartment brought him to the greenhouse. Through the glass door he could see his partner up against the large flowerpot that held his favorite plant. A mountain fir evergreen his mom had sent him for Christmas last year. His hand quickly wrapped around the door handle and gave a quick jerk before it slipped off. “Locked.” He huffed in aggravation. He could see his friend wrestling with the demons of his sleep world and wanted to be by his side. The key, where the hell was the key? He never locked that door; it could take him a month of Sundays to find the thing. Hutch decided to forego the thought of even trying to locate it. He tapped at the glass but he knew his friend wouldn’t waken. The pills pulled him down deep into cavernous waters. He scooted to the kitchen snatching a dishtowel and enveloped his hand in it. Punching through the glass door he gingerly reached in and unlocked it.

Sidestepping the mess he had made, his white socks caused him to skate across the waxed floor unceremoniously. Dorothy Hamill he was not.

Starsky’s mumblings were inaudible to Hutch. His eyes were open wide and flicking to the left and then to the right. Hutch reached out to him. “Starsky? Hey partner. Hey it’s me Hutch.” Before Hutch could even lay a finger on his friend Starsky flinched hard, slamming his back up against the flowerpot. His grunt of pain stopped Hutch’s hand in its tracks. “Easy does it, easy Starsk, it’s me. Come on, don’t you recognize this ugly mug?” Hutch tried to laugh but this just was not funny. He feared all this thrashing around would cause his friend severe pain or, worse yet, rip open his staples. “Starsk talk to me. Where are you buddy? Let me in. Let me see through your eyes partner.” Hutch was able to finally lay a hand on his partner’s twitching thigh. He anchored himself there hoping to provoke a response from his best friend and calm him.

Starsky could hear Hutch talking to him but couldn’t see him. He wasn’t in the apartment any longer. He stalked through the rice paddy in his green camouflage outfit. His rifle outstretched in front of him and the muzzle of the gun swaying back and forth wildly. A handful of other men in green also took the same stance as they trudged alongside him. “Hutch?” His eyes still wild and darting.

Hutch’s head snapped to attention as he recognized his name through the mumblings of his partner. His friend heard him but his mush brain had placed him in the other world. “Buddy. It’s me. I’m here right beside you.” Hutch gave a squeeze to Starsky’s thigh. “You feel me pal?”

Starsky’s head shook back and forth in no fashion. “Where? Where are you Hutch?” His eyes still wide with fear.

“Right beside you pal. You’re in the greenhouse.” Starsky’s mind couldn’t unfold from the grip the pills had on him. His frustration increased and he tried to scramble away. Hutch held him in place pushing softly against his chest and gripping tighter still to his thigh. Hutch bit down hard on his lip. How could he help his friend? He was alone somewhere trapped in the far regions of his mind. Again he tried to reach through the mist of his partner’s confusion. “Come on Starsk. I know you hear me. Trust me, partner, just trust me. You hear me?”

Starsky nodded his head yes, hearing but not seeing. “Okay, okay I’m there with you buddy right beside you all the way got that?” Hutch kept his voice low and steady. Wild eyes still darted and his body stiffened as his head shook yes he got it. “Let me see what you see Starsk. Let me in, talk to me. Just talk to me.”

Starsky still pressed back against the flowerpot eyes open but not seeing the greenhouse. His shaky voice did as his invisible partner asked of him. Blind trust took over where angels dare not tread. “Rice paddy. I-I’m in a rice paddy. My platoon’s surrounded. We’re scared, all of us. Mitchell, he’s next to me. I can smell the fear on his breath. He’s so young, only eighteen.” Hutch watched as fear flooded over Starsky’s face. “They’re setting the field on fire. We’re trapped, there’s nowhere to go.”

Starsky shuffled pulling his legs up to his chest Hutch let him move but kept a hand on his knee. “Keep talking, Buddy, I’ve got you. I’m with you.” Hutch wasn’t sure if this were the right thing to do. But his friend was not waking from his nightmare. In the morning, he would take him in to the doctor. Find out if this was the result of the pills, or maybe some deep-seated flashback surfacing now because of Gunther’s failed attempts.

Starsky jolted violently, as if a shock of electricity vaulted through his body. “Buddy what, what is it? Tell me Starsk.” Hutch’s hand left his partner’s knee and reached to stroke a stray hair away from his friend’s face. Starsky jolted again at the touch and Hutch quickly removed his hand. “It’s okay. Hey, easy now, what is it?” He asked, keeping his own fear at bay and speaking only in gentle soft lulling tones.

A red fireball filled his vision. Screams of pain reverberated through the air. He ran with Mitchell by his side looking back only once to see most of his platoon engulfed in flames, bodies floundering to the ground. Hutch watched his partner closely. His breathing was rapid; wheezing and puffing out short and quick, in agony. Beads of moisture trailed down the lines on his face. His pallor colored in flushed pink casts. Hutch grabbed his friend’s wrist in fear and felt his pulse. His worry escalated. Starsky’s heartbeat was steady paced but he could feel the throbbing vein pulsing against his fingers. “Slow buddy, slow, try to slow down, ease up. I’m here. Don’t you go forgetting I’m right here.” Hutch wrapped his hand around Starsky’s knee and continued to stay at his post beside his friend.

He and Mitch reached the north end of the rice paddy. Flames swept over the field and the screams of his platoon had stopped. Starsky tried to listen to the invisible tones of his partner but they felt so remote from where he found himself now. “W-we’re, m-me and Mitch w-we’re. Captured, they’re all around, we have to lay down our guns.”

Hutch looked at the face of his friend in shock. “POW Starsk? You were a POW?” The nightmares his friend was experiencing were becoming devastatingly clear to Hutch now.

Starsky doubled over and slid to his side on the floor. Hutch lifted his head to his lap. Starsky grunted and pulled into himself convulsing. “What, what’s happening pal? Talk buddy. Keep talking to me.” Hutch still kept his voice smooth but his insides where churning like toffee.

“Threw us in the stockade. Beating us to bloody pulps. No, no I won’t confess.” Starsky curled up tighter into a ball, quaking.

“Won’t confess to what, buddy?” Hutch pulled his friend close trying to let him feel the warmth of his reality. Hutch’s eyes blurred with tears.

“Confess our crimes. Condemn our government. Lies all lies. No w-won’t. Won’t let them w-win.” His convulsing lessened as he felt the warmth of his partner. Hutch kept him tight in his grasp. At least he wasn’t flinching at his touch any longer.

Starsky’s lurid vision continued. Mitch was in a bad way, the young kid was at his breaking point. Guns were continually placed to both their heads the hammer cocked back and the trigger pulled only to the click of an empty chamber. Starsky’s head jerked back pushing against Hutch’s stomach time and time again. “Shhh, it’s okay partner, let yourself see it. I gotcha I gotcha.”

“Gun’s empty. Clicking, all I hear is clicking. They’re trying to scare us. Hutch knew what his partner was seeing. They were being tortured. A cruel game of Russian roulette. “Thirsty.” Starsky licked at his lips. Hutch didn’t want to leave him to get water; he doubted Starsky could swallow it right now anyway.

The two soldiers were trapped by the whims of others. Broken and beaten, lying on the solid bare rock. Little more to eat than the occasional maggot, which happened to crawl through the holes of the stockade. Not enough to sustain two grown men. They were periodically taken out into the bright sunlight only to hang by their thumbs from trees. The V.C. would walk past and spit or taunt them, as they slugged down deep, long drinks of water not offering a drop. Mitch and Starsky hung there gallantly, the enemy would not have the satisfaction of seeing their spirits broken. They were forced to witness the carnage of dismembering their fallen platoon’s charred remains. Starsky had taken up his cross and gone on, there was nothing else for him to do. Mitch was younger and not as headstrong and Starsky watched in despair as the soldier captured with him slowly was stripped of his life.

Another involuntary seismic ripple of activity shot through Starsky’s body. “Hutch y-you still with m-me?” Starsky stumbled barely holding the edge of consciousness. The jellybean’s still had a great hold on him and he was caught between the two territories of past and present.

Hutch held fast to his partner. “I have you partner. I have you. I have you.” Hutch chanted soothingly.” Not letting go. I won’t leave you alone Starsk.” Hutch was beyond misery as he realized the horrors his friend had to revisit. There was nothing he could do. Starsky was trapped in the dominion of his mind and he was locked out of it. Hutch wished he could pencil his partner into a happier dream, a happier image. He just didn’t know how he could do that. He just held him close to his heart, hoping the beat of his own life would give some peace to his friend.

Starsky’s flashback continued. He could see Mitch lying on the floor, his body twisted at an odd angle. No food or water for days had taken their toll. Cold damp silence filled the stone walls of the stockade and the smell of death loitered in the air. Starsky watched a few rats skitter away into the shadows only to reemerge. They nibbled at the bloody hands of his fallen comrade. Mitch didn’t even respond to the gnawing white teeth. “Get a-away from him, get away.” Starsky flung his body off Hutch’s lap and tried to crawl along the floor reaching to something in front of him with quivering hands. “Rat’s, damn rats, biting h-him.. M-Mitch…”

Hutch could see the visions his partner was reliving just as if he were right there in the dimension with him. He pulled Starsky back to his lap and ran his fingers through his hair. Starsky pulled himself upward and leaned up against Hutch, who maneuvered himself up against the flowerpot with Starsky leaning on his chest between his legs. Hutch let his partner nuzzle closer and he furled his arms around him in protection. “You’re safe partner. I promise, you’re safe.” Hutch was becoming unnerved at the horror that seemed so commonplace in the scope of his partners sleep world.

Mitch was near death, his skin blue-gray and his eyes dim and dull. His parted, dry, cracked lips bled as air ebbed in and out of his mouth bubbling foam appearing. “He’s dying, c-can’t help him.” Starsky shuddered in Hutch’s arms.

Starsky held Mitch in his arms and listened to the man’s drained voice so empty of life. “Dave y.. get ou..t promise m..e you esca..pe.” Starsky’s head rocked back and forth. “No, not leaving you. You’re coming too.” Hutch listened intently, still by some strange power he could picture his partners flashback as if he were looking into a crystal ball.

A few guards had come into the stockade. The determination on their faces shone in the dark like a thousand flashing cameras. These two Americans would break now or die in agony. They kicked Starsky away from the dying man. More threats filled the air. Starsky weakly reached for Mitch, as one of the guards picked up the limp man and brought his back down upon his knee breaking his spine. Starsky bolted from Hutch’s lap and stumbled across the green house toward an unseen demon. All he could hear ricocheting around him was the sound of vertebrate cracking. “They killed him. They killed him… oh God… Mitch.” His voice full of pain.

Hutch darted toward him snaring him before he could fall over a few bags of soil that lay on the floor. He pulled him down to the tile once more and cradled him in a strong hold. God, when would this nightmare end? He had to calm him down. Enough was enough. He had to reach in and pull his friend out from the dream of terror and back to him. Hutch didn’t take long to think of an image. He began to talk in low angelic tones close to his partner’s ear. He prayed it would bring him out of the dark evil past and into a place of serenity where he could rest and be at peace in his dreams.

“Starsk, hey, hey partner, listen, just listen to me.” Starsky fought against the restraints of his partner’s arms. “I’m beside you, buddy, right here. Relax, easy now, just listen to my voice, Starsk.” God please let me help him, Hutch silently prayed and shut his eyes, letting the conjured up image float through his soul and out his lips.

*****

Ebony black shadows coasted away, as swirls of smoky-gray jade crept over the land. From behind the stone wall, the flame of life rose slowly. The burgundy sphere’s light creeping over lush green, changing smoky-gray to a creamy, misty pink. Cold was gone and a fruitful warmth filled the garden dwelling. Cherry blossom snowflakes fluttered down all around. Where you walk now is a safe, arched trestle entwined with blushing sweet bramble roses.

Only love is allowed to flourish here. Stone walls melted away by the touch of the sun. Cold gales fan to feather warm touches upon your cheek. The breath of flowers fill the air easy and gently filling your lungs. This place frames your body with the gentle touch of passing hands. Warbling bird songs fill your ears with elated joy as you emerge out from under the rose trestle.

Babbling waters flow over slated rock, droplets splashing outward to dew drop upon pastel dusted colors of snapdragons along the brook’s edge. The water comes to rest in the simple circular opaque pool below. The immensity of this haven encompasses your soul and all else fades to nothingness.

Your eyes are drawn to the hedges of evergreen. A scent of vanilla and almonds are carried upon the breeze. Out of the creamy pink vapor she appears. Her cloven hooves strop with grace over the well-trodden path toward the pooling water. She’s magnificent and strong. Only love shines from her eyes. Pain and sorrow don’t exist for her. She knows nothing but peace and good will. The purest form of life, flaming brilliant, sparkling white.

Her twisted horn gleams and the colors of the rainbow swirl through the curves of the ivory tusk. Flowing white mane and tail softly speak of ancient lore. Discreetly she looks at you, tossing her head, her deep amulet blue eyes searching yours. You feel her burrow into your soul. She knows your heart, she sees your spirit and she is not afraid. Lowering her head, her soft muzzle sips at the pooling waters sending tiny ripples outward, spinning the lavender lilies round and round. All life around her appears to bow to her presence. You’re safe and the breadth of her aura causes you to lie down upon the tender green. The musical trickle of water; the caress of the warm, vanilla and almond scented puffs of air, and the peace and love of her magical heart spread over you like a blanket of serenity. Here you will rest, away from pain and away from evil, safe in the seclusion of her arbor.

A hush fell over the greenhouse. Starsky trembled no more. He lay in the refuge of Hutch’s lap. Breathing in and out with slow even steadiness. He was safe now, captured in the pyramid of his partner’s love. They would stay that way on the laminated tile greenhouse floor till morning’s light brought upon them another day of life. Locked away from the frightful world of pain and sorrow. They both traveled through peaceful dreams and slept together in each other’s arms through the night out of harm’s way WHERE UNICORNS GO.