94 Starsky & Hutch Episodes* for People in a Hurry**

Table of Contents

*with apologies to Thomas Wengelewski, author of 99 Classic TV-Series for People in a Hurry

**Episodes will NOT be in order

Originally published in the zine, The Bay City Gazette, in 2014.

PILOT

Starsky and Hutch are two leanly-muscled plainclothes police detectives who patrol the gritty streets of Bay City.
Bad guys target Starsky by following his insanely easy-to-spot Candy Apple red Torino with a white stripe. Unfortunately, the bad guys hit the wrong insanely easy-to-spot Candy Apple red Torino with a white stripe and kill innocent people.
Starsky and Hutch track the bad guys by constantly taking off their plainclothes.
Bad guys lose. Aaron Spelling wins.

FIRST SEASON

Savage Sunday

A couple of old people don’t like being old, so they take some dynamite (where do old people get dynamite?), put it in the trunk of a car, and plan to blow up City Hall.
A couple of poor people don’t like being poor, so they steal the car they don’t know is filled with dynamite to pull off some heists (but not at City Hall).
A couple of cops (Starsky and Hutch) are called onto the case (but not by City Hall).
Neither Starsky, Hutch, the old couple, Huggy, the bad guys, nor (presumably) City Hall like institutional food. But they all love soul food.

Texas Longhorn

A rich Texan and his trophy wife are attacked by bad guys. The wife is killed. The bad guys steal her squash blossom necklace but leave the toe cap from a boot in exchange.
Starsky and Hutch track down the bad guys. Because it’s the right thing to do. The rich Texan tracks Starsky and Hutch so when they find the bad guys he can kill them for killing his wife. Because it’s the just thing to do.
Starsky and Hutch stop the rich Texan from killing the bad guys. Because it’s the legal thing to do.
A scorpion stings a frog. Because it’s the natural thing to do.

Death Ride

Starsky and Hutch blow their job of protecting a witness and allow him to be shot by bad guys. To make up for their ineptitude, they are allowed to protect the witness’s daughter from the same bad guys.
The witness’s daughter lives far away from Bay City, so they take a taxi to bring her back. Bad guys keep trying to hail the same taxi.
Starsky and Hutch think they’ve done a good job this time by reuniting the witness and his daughter.
But the job was fake. Just like the lemon meringue pie. Just like the patient on the gurney. Just like the daughter. Only Starsky and Hutch’s love for each other is real.

Snow Storm

Starsky and Hutch allow three narcotics detectives to work with them on a $3 million cocaine bust. Big mistake.
Because $1 million of the coke is missing. (Coke = Snow, get it? Both are white powder.) Starsky and Hutch are suspected, because their names are in the title of the series.
The bad guys are really either the three other detectives, the drug lord who lost the cocaine, a Dalmatian, or Captain Dobey’s deceased partner. (Hint: It’s not the dog, the dead detective or the drug dealer.)
Starsky and Hutch are cleared, as pure as the driven snow. (Get it?)

The Fix

Hutch is dating not only the dumbest pretty girl in the world, but she’s the ex-girlfriend of a mobster. Maybe Hutch is the dumb one. The mobster doesn’t like sharing even his ex-girlfriends, so he takes back the dumb pretty girlfriend. But he lets Hutch have a bunch of heroin in exchange. He’s not totally heartless.
Starsky goes crazy trying to find his junkie babe partner, because the mobster has suddenly become heartless and tells his henchmen to hit Hutch. (Not “hit” as in do some heroin, but “hit” as in hose him.) (And not “hose” as in penis, but “hose” as in kill him.)
Starsky finds Hutch. Starsky loses Hutch. The mobster finds Hutch. Hutch finds a fence. Starsky finds the mobster. The mobster gets hit (“killed”). Starsky gets Hutch (and maybe a kiss, we don’t know, it’s still iffy).
Hutch finds the dumb pretty ex-girlfriend and dumps her. But Starsky lets Hutch have the Torino in exchange. He’s not totally heartless. Just smarter about pretty girlfriends.

Death Notice

A gaggle of strippers–uh, exotic dancers– has been marked for death by an unhappy critic. How do they know? Someone is sending them a heads up. A “death notice.” Get it?
Starsky and Hutch are assigned to protect the strip exotic dancers because good looking undercover cops always get the plum assignments.
Somewhat confused as to what a gaggle of str artistic dance enthusiasts actually are, they accidently protect a gaggle of mannequins.
Realizing their mistake, Starsky and Hutch not only save the mannequins but also the artistes by covering them all in black bean soup so the killer doesn’t know who is who.

Pariah

Starsky goes all Robocop when trying to stop an armed robbery suspect and ends up losing one of his bullets in the suspect.
Everyone is upset by this, but especially a Really Bad Guy, who decides to punish Starsky by killing all cops except those named Starsky.
Hutch knows his name is “Hutchinson,” not “Starsky,” which makes him a target. So he and Starsky chase the Really Bad Guy into a zoo.
Starsky wants to lose another bullet in the Really Bad Guy, but Hutch says no, then someone else might get upset and start the whole thing over again, and who wants that? Certainly not a cop not named Starsky!

Kill Huggy Bear

Did you know there were other regularly-occurring characters in the series besides Starsky and Hutch?
In order to prove it, regularly-occurring character Huggy Bear is made to mess with the mob. So the mob messes back with Huggy Bear.
Hoping to unmess the mess Huggy Bear is in, Starsky and Hutch mess with some bad guy muscle men, who have been messing with steroids.
In the end, all messes are cleaned up, and the series remains titled “Starsky and Hutch” and no one else.

The Bait

Starsky and Hutch decide to prove they are really undercover cops by donning the garments of the modern-day pimp.
Discovering clothes make the man (or men, in this case), everyone mistakes them for modern-day pimps.
Taking advantage of their pimpdom, Starsky and Hutch pimp out a pneumatic hooker and a stamp, because they are not only pimps, but numismatic pimps.
The pneumatic numismatic hooker helps with their scheme, which has something to do with getting rid of all the other pimps in Bay City, and Starsky and Hutch become the Kings of Pimps. Or something like that.

Lady Blue

Starsky proves he’s not much better at picking pretty girlfriends when his lady cop girlfriend decides to become an ex-cop and ex-girlfriend.
She becomes the dumb one when she gets herself killed. (Plus, leaving someone who looks like Starsky is pretty dumb, too.)
Starsky and Hutch learn there are many uses for aluminum foil, including blocking signals meant to scramble people’s brains.
Turns out Starsky isn’t so dumb when picking pretty girlfriends, as his lady cop wasn’t really an ex-cop but only undercover and only pretending to be an ex-girlfriend. But she’s still dumb for getting herself killed.

Captain Dobey, You’re Dead

Captain Dobey is another regularly-occurring character on a series not named after him.
An escaped con who was put away in prison by Dobey decides to put away Dobey and his family. (Not put away in prison, though. Put away in coffins.)
Out of all the detectives under Captain Dobey’s command, only Starsky and Hutch care enough to save him. That tells you something about Dobey’s management skills.
In the end, Captain Dobey also remains out of the title of the series.

Terror on the Docks

Hutch has a childhood friend who is in trouble. As we shall discover, the only kind of childhood friends Hutch and Starsky have are troubled.
Hutch’s childhood friend is engaged to a bad boy. Why do girls always fall for the bad boy? What’s wrong with Hutch? Hutch is a nice boy. Why didn’t she fall for Hutch?
There is some kind of hanky-panky (nothing that could reach the level of “terror”) going on on the docks, involving guess who! The bad boy fiancé! See? Hutch would never involve himself in hanky-panky!
Everyone celebrates the called-off wedding by throwing wedding cake. There’s the terror.

The Deadly Imposter

Starsky and Hutch have a childhood friend (okay, young adulthood friend) in trouble. What did we tell you?
Their troubled friend was either troubled at the academy or became troubled after he was drafted into the war. Or maybe he was troubled in childhood. Hard to tell. Certainly Starsky and Hutch couldn’t.
Regardless, their troubled friend is also an expert hit man, who is after his ex-wife’s new husband, or maybe she’s not his ex-wife, but then how does the hit man have the same name as the dead husband, or are they all the same person?
Doesn’t matter. It’s all a figment of Hutch’s concussed brain anyway.

Shootout

It was a dark and stormy night. So Starsky and Hutch decide to go to an Italian restaurant for a romantic dinner for two.
Starsky is shot by a disgruntled diner, who isn’t happy with the restaurant’s gravy and was really aiming for the chef.
This works fine for Hutch, because it gives him a chance to show off his brawn AND his brain in front of the wounded Starsky.
Starsky dies of his bullet wounds, but is brought back to life by a kiss from Hutch. The End.

The Hostages

A young man and his pregnant wife become the pawns in a series of robberies by bad guys.
Starsky and Hutch twig to the game, and set themselves up as knights to protect the realm.
The (c)rooks try to run the board, but are checkmated by Starsky and Hutch.
But we have to give the collar to Hutch, because Starsky doesn’t know how to play chess yet.

Losing Streak

It’s jazz, man. Not the blues, but it can bring you the blues, man.
A jazz man sings the blues when he steals some money owed him, but it turns out that money is counterfeit. Bummer, man.
The mob wants its phony money back, man, but Starsky and Hutch don’t sing that tune.
Starsky actually can’t sing much of any tune, he’s got a bum tooth. Dental blues, man.

Silence

Hello darkness, my old friend. No, wait, the victims are deaf, not blind.
A couple of deaf entrepreneurs are being used as fall guys for a series of robberies. Starsky and Hutch are at first blind to their innocence.
But the fall guys are as innocent as kittens. Once Starsky and Hutch see the light, they go after the real bad guys.
Starsky and Hutch save the hearing impaired pair, but reject a pair of innocent kittens. Remember to spay and neuter your pets!

The Omaha Tiger

Starsky and Hutch meet up with a retired cop colleague, who later turns up dead. Proving you don’t have to be a childhood friend of theirs to turn up dead, just a friend.
The dead friend was suspicious of some funny goings-on in the world of professional wrestling, so Starsky and Hutch decide to investigate.
Is it real, or is it fake? Hutch says fake, because he used to do the real thing in college. Who cares, says management, as long as it brings in the dough!
Starsky and Hutch shut down the illegal dough-making side of the business, but leave the fake side. Because as we all know, you fake it till you make it.

JoJo

Starsky and Hutch do the right thing and blow a Federal investigation by stopping a bad guy from attacking an innocent citizen, which means no evidence to convict him.
And all the bad guy’s previous victims are too afraid of him to testify against him. Plus the Feds want him free to lead them to the badder guys.
When the bad guy turns up dead, one of his previous victims is blamed. Because why suspect the badder guys or the Feds? Let’s blame the victim!
But Starsky and Hutch are on the side of the innocent! They exonerate the falsely accused! They are…The Good Guys!

Running

Starsky’s pretty childhood friend (uh oh), now wrestling with an alcohol addiction, is the only eye-witness to a brutal murder. She is also an ex-model. So Starsky is nice enough to invite her to stay at his place for a while. Being old friends and all.
Did we mention Starsky’s pretty childhood friend is a model? That’s probably why he lets her model his shirts.
The bad guy murderer comes after the model, but Starsky interferes. Starsky not only saves the pretty childhood friend and model, but dries her out and drives her back to her family.
Hutch spends the entire episode reminding Starsky that what he’s doing is not only against procedure, but dumb. Hutch would never give up a model, would he?

A Coffin for Starsky

OMG, look at Starsky’s semi-naked body!
Oh, and a bad guy has injected him with a poison which will kill him in 24 hours. But what a body!
Hutch and Starsky go on a mad bad guy hunt to find the syringe-wielder who injected Starsky, because a kiss from Hutch just isn’t going to do it this time.
But…who put the pellet with the poison in the flagon with the dragon?
The mad chemist! Who misses out on his chance to inject Hutch with the same brew and instead gives up like a wimp, allowing an antidote to be pestled and Starsky’s life to be saved.

The Bounty Hunter

A bail-jumper kills a cop, which angers Starsky and Hutch. (To be fair, the cop was not named Starsky, and should have been more alert.)
Starsky and Hutch trail the bail-jumper’s girlfriend, because she is prettier than the bail bondsmen. Bondspersons. People who process bonds.
Starpey and Hup should have been tailing the people who process bonds, because they are killing every bail jumper they can find. Which means they get their bonds back.
You know, Starpey and Hup could have done everything illegal they did as cops legally as bounty hunters. Just sayin’.

SECOND SEASON

The Las Vegas Strangler Part 1

Road trip! Las Vegas! With great enthusiasm, Starsky and Hutch go “Guys and Dolls” on unsuspecting Las Vegas.
Unfortunately, it is Starsky and Hutch who are unsuspecting, as it turns out they’ve been lured to the Strip to catch a bad guy killer who’s strangling casino beauties.
And the Las Vegas police suspect Hutch’s childhood friend (uh oh!) of strangling said casino beauties. (Note: The childhood friend is a guy, so he’s not pretty.)
And Starsky has found himself a casino beauty of his own! But she’s not a childhood friend, so she’s safe.

The Las Vegas Strangler Part 2

But is it Hutch’s childhood friend who’s the strangler? Or is it the psychotic mama’s boy who’s delivering goods and strangling-type sundries to casino beauties?
Luckily, it’s not Hutch’s childhood friend, because he’s (uh oh!) dying of a brain tumor. (Get used to it, childhood friends of these two never fare well.)
No, it’s the psychotic delivery boy! Who knew?
Starsky and Hutch catch the strangler, then run off to join the circus. Because circus beauties are more fun than casino beauties.

Murder at Sea Part 1

Road trip! The circus didn’t work out, so Starsky and Hutch have decided to become cruise directors on a cruise ship.
Because bathing beauties are more fun than circus beauties.
While onboard, they discover a gaggle of gangsters looking for love and fun on the high seas. Also murder.
Damn! Back to undercover work!

Murder at Sea Part 2

Is this a lobster cruise? Doesn’t matter, everyone’s going to be too dead to eat when that hidden bomb goes off!
In honor of finding the bomb, Starsky and Hutch do a handkerchief dance with one another all over the ship.
Road trip! The bad guy gangsters have disembarked, so the boys must go after them in a dune buggy.
Starsky and Hutch catch the bad guy gangsters, then run off to join the French Foreign Legion. Because desert beauties are more fun than bathing beauties.

Gillian

Road trip! No, wait, we’re back in Bay City.
Hutch has fallen in love with a pretty hooker prostitute paid escort writer. Yeah, she’s a writer.
The pretty writer’s pimp panderer procurer publisher kills her, because she refused his editing suggestions.
Starsky and Hutch rub their leathers together, and no one cares anymore about the writer and her publisher.

Bust Amboy (aka Nightlight)

Non-writerly prostitutes are become junkie prostitutes thanks to the drug dealings of a bad guy funeral parlor owner.
Being a prostitute is one thing, but being a junkie is another, so Starsky and Hutch decide to bust this business.
The drug dealer’s name is Amboy, therefore giving us the title of the episode, “Bust Amboy!” Brilliant! (Where “Nightlight” came from is anyone’s guess.)
One of the young junkie prostitutes, de-junkified by Starsky and Hutch, decides to become an Amway salesperson. Because it’s less deadly than becoming a writer.

The Vampire

It was a dark and stormy night.
A vampire is feeding off the dancing beauties of Bay City.
He is cutting into Starsky and Hutch’s pool of potential girlfriends.
So Starsky and Hutch trick him into jumping off a stage catwalk to prove he can fly, but instead he kills himself. Because there are no such things as vampires. And regular people can’t fly.

The Specialist

A psychotic ex-government spy believes Starsky and Hutch are assassins out to get him.
So he decides to get them first. Because he has all these special skills from being a psychotic ex-government spy.
Starsky and Hutch are forced to go into hiding from the psychotic ex-government spy by sharing a motel room. Because one motel room is all the Bay City Police Department can afford.
So much for the special skills of the psychotic ex-government agent. Starsky and Hutch get him first. This is where your tax dollar is going: toward poor training of government agents.

Tap Dancing Her Way Right Back Into Your Hearts

Some dancing beauties are conducting a blackmail business within a conventional dance academy. Because people who go to dance academies are automatically rich.
Starsky goes undercover as a dance instructor, and Hutch goes undercover as a rich Texan ripe for being blackmailed because the only dance he can do is the Horizontal Mambo.
Too bad for Starsky, Hutch is the only one who gets to have the sex in this episode.
Starsky makes up for it by teaching Hutch how to “dip.” After that no one really cares about the blackmailers.

Vendetta (aka The Monster)

Hutch has a pretty girlfriend. Uh oh!
Because Hutch also has a bad guy stalker. Uh oh!
The stalker blows up Hutch’s hand and beats up Hutch’s girlfriend. Uh oh!
So Hutch’s girlfriend leaves Hutch, leaving Hutch to Starsky. Yay!

Nightmare

A pair of bad guys go after a young friend of Starsky’s and Hutch’s. Fortunately, she’s not a childhood friend, so she’s safe.
Starsky and Hutch trust the legal system to bring their young friend justice, but instead the system protects the bad guys. Which never happens in real life.
So Starsky and Hutch bring their own form of justice to the bad guys without consequence. Which never happens in real life.
Then Starsky runs away to become a train conductor, and Hutch just watches him, because after the circus and the cruise liner and the desert nomad thing, he is tired.

Iron Mike (aka Captain Mike Ferguson)

Starsky and Hutch run away from Captain Dobey’s squad to work for Captain Mike Ferguson. Or maybe Captain Dobey gave them away. It’s unclear.
Good move for them, though, because Captain Ferguson likes to ignore the rules by ignoring bad crimes in favor of getting information about worse crimes. Whereas dumb old Captain Dobey just plays by the rules and gets nothing!
But dumb old Captain Dobey remains alive while Captain Iron Mike gets himself killed, thereby learning ignoring crime for more crime does not pay, especially for him.
Starsky and Hutch learn crime paying cops with more crime so cops will ignore crime is a crime. Or something like that.

Little Girl Lost

It’s Christmas in Bay City, so it’s time for a murder!
And murder it is, as a petty thief is murdered by bad guys for his knowledge of the whereabouts of Christmas ice (or diamonds, for those not in the thief business).
The petty thief’s daughter is the only clue to the murder and the diamonds, so Starsky and Hutch ignore the rules (behavior they learned from Iron Mike) and help the little girl avoid all contact with Child Protective Services.
The bad guys kidnap the un-child-protected child (duh), Starsky and Hutch are fired. They then run off with the diamonds, which apparently are fake because Hutch still doesn’t have enough money to buy Starsky a decent Christmas present.

Bloodbath

A bad guy psychotic cult leader is about to be sentenced for his bad guy psychotic criminal behavior.
But he has his bad guy psychotic followers kidnap Starsky. Free the bad guy psychotic criminal or Starsky will die a bad guy death!
This turns Hutch into a good guy psychotic detective (but not a cult leader), who takes advantage of Starsky’s absence to drive Starsky’s Torino, which he’s not normally allowed to do.
Psychotically driving the Torino, good guy Hutch saves Starsky from his bad guy death. Starsky then buys Hutch his own car so Hutch will never drive his Torino again.

The Psychic

For a change of pace, Starsky and Hutch are actually assigned a kidnapping instead of causing one.
They acquire the help of a psychic (not psychotic) short-order cook, who psychically predicts there will be two more seasons of Starsky and Hutch after this one.
Hutch tries out for the Olympics by running the Kidnapper’s K5 Marathon, only to be stopped short of the finish line by a stray bullet from a rogue biathlete.
Starsky really wanted to go to the Olympics, so he kills the kidnapping murderers, rescues the kidnap victim, forces the psychic to predict the winners of the next Olympics, makes a ton of money betting on the winners, and finances Hutch’s next attempt at the Marathon.

The Set-Up Part 1

What? A third two-part episode in one season? And it’s not a road trip?
So okay, there’s this guy with amnesia who may or may not be a bad guy and may or may not be an assassin.
Then there’s this mobster guy who paid for Starsky’s father’s funeral, who is currently under the protection of Starsky and Hutch. Whoa! Starsky’s father and a mobster knew each other! Who knew?
We all know how well Starsky and Hutch are at protecting people, so the mobster guy is basically dead. Actually, totally dead.

The Set-Up Part 2

Starsky and Hutch hook up (not that kind of hook up!) with the amnesia guy, and they all go to a bank to ask for a loan to start their own private witness protection business.
The bank turns them down (duh), so they inquire about starting a crop dusting business. The amnesia guy co-signs the loan.
The bank recalls its crop dusting loan when Starsky and Hutch mistakenly dust a castle in the desert instead of an actual crop. But finally a road trip!
Starsky and Hutch are left on the hook for the crop dusting bank loan. But what about Starsky’s father’s mobster involvement? Who is the amnesia guy? Why is there a castle in the middle of the desert? And what kind of interest do Starsky and Hutch have to pay?

Survival

Hutch’s brain suffers another concussion, causing him to wear silver disco jackets. A bad guy doesn’t like Hutch’s choice of fashion, so he has Hutch run off the road, resulting in yet another concussion and entrapment in his unsafe-at-any-speed car.
Eventually Starsky realizes he hasn’t seen that silver disco jacket in a while, and goes off looking for Hutch.
Hutch is able to use his silver disco jacket to reflect light and signal an SOS from his run-off-the-road car wreckage, which Starsky is able to decode using his military training.
In honor of the silver disco jacket, Starsky has it turned into upholstery for Hutch’s replacement vehicle, which was not bought with insurance money, as Hutch was only carrying liability. But insurance did cover both his concussions.

Starsky’s Lady (aka Revenge)

Remember the Really Bad Guy from Pariah? He’s back! Hutch shouldn’t have stopped Starsky from killing him last time!
And he’s after Starsky’s pretty girlfriend! She’s doomed! And it’s all Hutch’s fault!
The Really Bad Guy shoots Starsky’s pretty girlfriend, who eventually dies from the shot. But not before she makes Starsky suffer a lot.
But all that really matters is the tag, where Hutch lets Starsky win at Monopoly thereby pledging eternal love to him. However, Starsky’s still hung up on the pretty dead girlfriend.

Huggy Bear and the Turkey

Starsky and Hutch aren’t really in this episode.
And all we really care about is Starsky and Hutch.
So just pretend Starsky and Hutch are in this episode.
And we’ll rename this episode “Hutch Bear and the Starsky.”

The Committee

Starsky and Hutch, always eager to break the rules, discover an opportunity to join the Bad Police Guys Club.
Starsky gets in first, irritating Hutch no end. So Hutch decides to get back at Starsky by refusing to be friend’s with Starsky’s pet rock.
Starsky isn’t as in as he thinks, though, and balks at the Club’s final requirement of playing Throw Your Pet Rock at the Lousy Attorney and Kill Him or Find Another Club to Join.
Fortunately Hutch, feeling bad about rejecting Starsky’s pet rock, comes looking for the friendly piece of igneous and rescues everyone instead. The rock is never seen again.

The Velvet Jungle

There is no such thing as a velvet tree, so there is no such thing as a velvet jungle. Everyone knows trees are made of cottonwood, making them Cottonwood Jungles.
Nevertheless, bad guys are trying to sell the Bay City Garment Industry fake velvet thread made from fake velvet trees, and killing anyone who gets in the way.
Starsky and Hutch decide the best way to catch these bad guys is by becoming bad street performers who need fake velvet thread from which to sew their fake costumes.
“Esta Ramon aqui?” That means Starsky should have paid more attention in Spanish class and less attention to that pretty childhood friend who became a model and grew up to choose sobriety over Starsky.

Long Walk Down a Short Dirt Road

Starsky and Hutch decide to run away and become country music singers, because many girl country music singers are pretty.
A pretty country music songstress takes them under her wing and vows to make them country superstars, but she is having trouble focusing as a bad guy is trying to kill her.
So Starsky and Hutch have to go back to being policemen to catch the bad guy would-be killer who’s standing in the way of their music careers.
They catch the bad guy killer, but the songstress finally hears them sing, changes her mind, and runs off with George Jones. Or was that Tammy Wynette who ran off with George?

Murder on Stage 17

Seeing as how the music thing didn’t work out, Starsky and Hutch run off to become movie stuntmen in Westerns. Because they heard many stuntgirls are pretty.
A director takes them under his wing and vows to make them the best cowboy stuntmen ever, but is having trouble focusing as someone keeps murdering his movie cast.
So Starsky and Hutch have to go back to being policemen to catch the bad guy killer who’s standing in the way of their stunt movie careers.
They catch the bad guy killer, but the director sees their performances on film, changes his mind, and runs off to do Horror movies. Or was that David Cronenberg?

Starsky and Hutch are Guilty

Because Starsky and Hutch have run away so often from their jobs, another “Starsky” and “Hutch” have taken over their beat.
But the faux Starsky and Hutch are beating up people on their beat more than usual, which attracts the attention of the Bay City Chief of Detectives.
The Chief has been after Starsky and Hutch since even before the Pilot, and sees his chance to force them off the force forever.
But the real Starsky and Hutch find the fake Starsky and Hutch, and they send the fake Starsky and Hutch to be brow-beaten by the Chief so the real Starsky and Hutch can skip the whole “be better cops” speech.

THIRD SEASON

Starsky and Hutch on Playboy Island Part 1 (aka Starsky and Hutch on Voodoo Island)

Good heavens, not another two-parter!
And on Playboy Island! (Or Voodoo Island, depending upon what kind of dolls one prefers)
Seems the richest man in the world lives on Playboy Island, surrounded by beautiful women, but his associates live on Voodoo Island, surrounded by black magic.
And only Starsky and Hutch can unravel the mystery of what the island is really named!

Starsky and Hutch on Playboy Island Part 2 (aka Starsky and Hutch on Voodoo Island)

Starsky and Hutch go native, with lots of bare chests and short shorts.
They meet lots of beautiful women, and a witch doctor, so it’s still a toss-up as to what the island is called.
This episode should really be called “Starsky and Hutch on Hot Island.”
And then case is solved and Starsky and Hutch have to go home to, which is a shame, because they rarely wear shorts in Bay City.

Fatal Charm

Hutch meets a pretty nurse who likes him. Really REALLY likes him! Stalker like likes him!
She likes him so much she doesn’t want any other woman to have Hutch at all! Hutch sure can pick ‘em!
Unfortunately, she misses the fact it’s not a woman who is her competition, but really Starsky she needs to worry about.
The nurse attempts a very un-nursely stalkerly stabbing of Hutch, but is thwarted by Starsky and an especially strong shower curtain. She should have gone after Starsky instead. He has a really cheap shower curtain.

I Love You, Rosey Malone

Rosey Malone is a mobster’s daughter. Or maybe Rosie Malone is. That’s unclear. Either way, she’s pretty.
Either way, Starsky is forced by non-psychotic government spies to go undercover and go under the covers with one of the two pretty Roses.
Starsky plants his seed, Rosey blooms, and soon she’s forced to choose between her mobster father and her new gardener.
Because Rosie knows that girlfriends of Starsky and Hutch don’t fare particularly well, she chooses to go dormant with her father. Starsky and Hutch grieve by wearing shorts for each other.

Murder Ward

A number of unexplained deaths have been occurring at a local mental institution. Starsky and Hutch flip a coin to see who gets to go undercover as an orderly. Hutch calls “Heads!” using a double-headed coin. Hutch loses.
Starsky goes undercover as a mental patient by not combing his hair and wearing clam diggers. Hutch goes undercover by combing his hair and wearing glasses.
The undercover duo uncover a journalist undercover as a patient, a patient undercover as a private investigator, a bad guy undercover as a doctor, and a man named Gregor undercover as a cockroach.
Hutch eats from a poisoned apple and dies. Starsky brings him back to life by kissing him. Everyone is uncovered, except for poor Gregor, who is stuck in his own horror story.

Death in a Different Place

It’s Social Relevance Week! This week: Homosexuality.
The murder victim is a gay cop. Starsky and Hutch are equally suspicious of both gay and straight suspects. That makes this episode politically correct and socially relevant.
Starsky and Hutch meet a gay drag queen. And a gay politician. And a gay rent boy. And they treat them all fairly. More correctness and relevance.
Hutch tells Starsky he’s not a good kisser. This is the real relevance of this episode!

The Crying Child

Remember the ABC Afterschool Specials?
They covered all sorts of social topics relevant to children and teens. And possibly their parents, who were universally the cause of these children’s and teens’ afterschool problems.
Starsky and Hutch do an ABC Afterschool Special in primetime, making it an ABC Way Afterschool Special, or possibly an ABC Afterhomework Special.
Children cry because the “Starsky and Hutch Way Afterschool and Afterhomework Special” is on after they have to go to bed and can’t watch it.

The Heroes

A beautiful newspaper columnist follows Starsky and Hutch around to report on the new breed of cop. Which Starsky and Hutch are, because they don’t wear suits on the job.
Dressing to impress (but not in suits, because they are a new breed), Starsky and Hutch unknowingly consult the same Bay City Garment Industry stylist. Either that, or they’ve been sharing closets again.
The pretty columnist is not impressed with their sartorial splendor and spotlights Starsky and Hutch in her “Fashion Don’t” column.
A bad guy takes exception to this fashion slur and takes the pretty columnist hostage, but she is rescued. She’s lucky she hadn’t become one of their girlfriends, otherwise she’d be dead.

The Plague Part 1

Yes. Another one. And not a road trip, although they do mess around in an airport.
Starsky and Hutch are supposed to pick up a friend at that airport. Instead, Hutch picks up the plague. And to a pretty contagious diseases doctor.
Probably pneumonic, not bubonic, as Hutch still looks pretty good even after he’s quarantined. But not good enough for the pretty doctor to date.
But before he’s quarantined, Starsky and Hutch learn that Patient Zero is a dangerous bad guy hit man after a notorious bad guy mobster.

The Plague Part 2

Starsky is apparently immune to this particular variety of the plague. The secret of his strength is in his hair. The longer he grows his hair, the more immunity he has.
Using the voodoo knowledge he picked up on Playboy Island, Starsky paints the magical word STARSKY on Hutch’s ICU window.
Using the vampire knowledge he picked up in Bay City, Starsky finds and sucks the blood from the bad guy hit man.
Starsky regurgitates the Patient Zero blood, which is turned into a plague antidote, and Hutch looks really good for having been on death’s door just a little while ago. But the pretty doctor still won’t date him.

The Collector

What happens to Hollywood child stars when they grow up? They become agoraphobic, acrophobic loan sharks.
Why become a loan shark when you can’t leave your home to collect the loans? Why build your home on stilts when you have a fear of heights? Why give your dog a name no one can understand? Because child stars are really messed up.
There’s a bad guy collector who really wants the ex-child stars autograph, so he tries to be her #1 fan by collecting her debts for her. This doesn’t work and she refuses to sign. She’s trying to up the price on her autograph.
Somehow Hutch’s pretty jailbait girlfriend is involved in all this. Why is Hutch dating someone so young, even if she is pretty? Is Hutch having a mid-life crisis?

Manchild on the Street

Starsky and Hutch have friends outside of each other. Really! Could one of these friends be a manchild on the street?
Could it be the father of a poor but decent family, accidentally killed by a bigoted rookie cop? No.
Could it be the poor but confused son of the poor but decent father, out for revenge for the accidental killing of his dad? No.
Could it be Hutch, who has been dating a pretty girl clearly too young for him? Yes!

The Action

Another friend (really!) of Starsky’s and Hutch’s is brutally beaten because he owes money to a different illegal gambling consortium which Starsky and Hutch have yet to shut down.
So Starsky and Hutch go undercover as gamblers looking for some gambling (and revenge) action.
They find the action in the back of an 18-wheeler that wheels around Bay City with a casino set-up in the trailer. So the truck is in action while the game is in action!
They say the house always wins, but since this is a truck, Starsky and Hutch win. And their friend becomes a regular at Gamblers Anonymous meetings.

The Heavyweight

Having successfully solved a crime in a wrestling ring, and a circus ring, Starsky and Hutch become involved in a boxing ring.
We never see them involved with any finger rings, although Starsky has some cute pinkie rings.
Starsky and Hutch must solve the murder of a cop who was working undercover on the docks, so you could say they are also involved with a docking ring.
Don’t ask for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for the guy who rings the bell in the boxing ring.

A Body Worth Guarding

Starsky and Hutch are assigned to protect a pretty Russian ballerina, whose life has been threatened by a bad guy political faction.
Because the pretty ballerina can only dance with one partner at a time, she chooses “Hootch” as her balletomane.
Hootch is smitten with his ballet swan, leaving Starsky as the only one with unmushed brains and the professionalism to solve the case.
Poor Hootch, the pretty ballerina was just toying with him through her Communist ways, leaving Starsky to unmush his brains.

The Trap

The time the jailbait is with Starsky, not Hutch. But at least Starsky has enough sense to not date her.
A bad guy with an axe to grind against Hutch lures him and Starsky to a deserted farm house, where Starsky and Hutch become trapped in the barn.
Unfortunately, Starsky’s jailbait didn’t take the hint to leave Starsky alone, and managed to get herself trapped with them.
Everyone escapes but poor Starsky, who is still locked in the sights of the jailbait. Hutch thinks this is funny, because he got in a good deal of trouble with his jailbait.

Satan’s Witches

Starsky and Hutch go to a cabin in the woods.
Starsky forgets to pack any clothes except a bright red pair of long johns.
Hutch forgets everything period when he sees Starsky in his red long johns.
Satan’s witches also forget everything when they see Starsky in his red long johns. Starsky is spectacular in his red long johns.

Class in Crime

Hutch decides to further his education by going back to college. Maybe join the wrestling team again.
Starsky decides to who needs more education or a wrestling coach when one can strut like him?
Hutch gets a B- on his midterm and decides to have a talk with the class professor.
The professor doesn’t like it when Hutch questions his professorial knowledge, and tries to have Hutch kicked out of the class. Starsky objects. He likes it when Hutch is out of his hair for a few hours a week.

Hutchinson for Murder One (aka Hutchinson: Murder One)

If you think being one of Hutch’s pretty girlfriends can be dangerous, try being his pretty ex-wife.
Hutch’s pretty ex-wife attempts to use Hutch in her diamond-stealing scheme without success. Instead she is killed. See?
Bay City PD decides Hutch is the bad guy responsible for his pretty ex-wife’s death, and tries to arrest Hutch. Starsky objects. It’s one thing for Hutch to take a few classes every now and then, it’s another if he’s imprisoned. Finding time for visiting days is hard!
Starsky and Hutch decide to become bank robbers and move to Bolivia. There are lots of pretty girls down there.

Foxy Lady

You would think by this time Starsky and Hutch would know better than to mess with a pretty girl.
But they do, and end up messed up in some kind of stolen cash scheme involving a dead guy and some bad guys.
The pretty woman manages to con them both AND the bad guys into helping her make a mint off of the stolen cash.
Maybe next time Starsky and Hutch should just go for the cash and not the pretty girl.

Partners

Clip show!
Starsky drives Hutch into a concussion, so Hutch retaliates by (SPOILER ALERT) faking amnesia.
Fake amnesia requires lots of time spent in hospital beds and lots of reminiscing. It also wastes a lot of resources that could be better spent on really sick people.
Hutch finally admits to faking his amnesia, and he and Starsky end up sharing a hospital bed (unfilmed).

Quadromania

Cab drivers are dying! And Shakespearean actors can’t get to the theater because of it!
Starsky goes undercover as a cab driver to catch the bad guy killer, because he has less college education than Hutch.
Hutch goes undercover as a Shakespearean actor, because he took Acting 101 in college.
Hutch gets attacked by the critics. Starsky gets attacked by the bad guy cabbie killer. Hutch saves Starsky, but Starsky can’t do anything about Hutch’s acting.

Deckwatch

A seaman has a girl in every port. This seaman has a dead girl in every port. But they’re all pretty, or were, before they died. Especially the one who wounded the seaman before he made her not so pretty.
Hutch has a pretty ex-girlfriend. Lucky her, she runs into the bad guy seaman and his wounded self, who has taken the landlady Hutch’s pretty ex-girlfriend lives with hostage.
Lucky Hutch, his pretty ex-girlfriend runs to him to help. Or bikes to him for help. Either way, Hutch gets roped into helping them because he can’t say “NO” to a pretty girl.
Hutch pretends he’s a paramedic who’s going to help the wounded bad guy. Starsky pretends he’s a mountain climber. The bad guy pretends he’s going to live. One of these guys doesn’t pretend so well.

FOURTH SEASON

Discomania

A disco killer is killing pretty disco girls. Because neither Starsky nor Hutch is *that* good at going undercover, a pretty policewoman is brought in as bait.
Starsky teaches Hutch the Brooklyn Hustle. Hutch teaches Starsky the Venice Beach Hustle.
The poor undercover policewoman is hustled out of the disco by the killer and just barely manages to save herself.
This is what killed Disco.

The Game

A long time ago it used to be dangerous to eat unheated soup out of the can. Danger is Hutch’s middle name, so he eats unheated soup out of the can.
Then he decides to play Hide and Seek with Starsky while the soup bubbles around in his stomach, making Stupid his first name.
Detective Stupid Danger Hutchinson gets a bad case of food poisoning while (quite successfully for a sick guy) hiding from Starsky.
Fortunately, he upchucks over some bad guys, and everyone learns a lesson about eating unheated soup out of the can. Thus, the origin of the phrase “no soup for you!”

Blindfold

Starsky and Hutch are chasing bad guy robbers. Starsky attempts to stop one of the bad guys by shooting him, but instead hits a pretty girl.
The pretty girl is blinded by Starsky’s shot. Starsky is blinded by the girl’s prettiness. They fall in lust.
Hutch is not blinded by the girl’s prettiness and suspects she was the lookout for the bad guys.
Hutch is right, the pretty girl gets her sight back, and Starsky is left with only a clay bust of himself as a reminder of his adventures in poor marksmanship and poor girlfriend-choosing.

Moonshine

Bad guy moonshiners are brewing poisonous rheumatiz medicine. In fact, a couple of achy rotgut embibers have already died.
Starsky and Hutch go undercover as good ole boys looking for a little of that good ole bad ole mountain dew.
Starsky gets drunk. Hutch gets his guitar. Motorcycles and well-endowed ‘shiners cause problems.
Starsky and Hutch find the hidden still and arrest the bad guys. Hooch is safe again in Bay City (the firewater, not Hutch).

Strange Justice

A very bad guy is roaming the land of Bay City.
Starsky and Hutch can’t arrest him, and because of past professional incidents have decided not to violate his rights as a citizen. Their pensions have been threatened if they don’t cut out the violating.
Instead, another cop decides to violate the bad guy’s civil rights.
Starsky and Hutch are sad about the cop, but not about the bad guy. And they’re pretty relieved it won’t show up in their official files.

The Avenger

A pretty redhead claims she is being stalked by a bad guy ex-boyfriend, who is killing off her current lovers.
Starsky and Hutch immediately take the case, vowing to find the killer and protect the readhead’s prettiness.
But oh no! The pretty girl and the bad guy killer are actually one and the same! And Starsky has gone home with the pretty killer!
Leaving Hutch to figure out the pretty bad twist and rescue his partner from yet another poor choice in girls.

Dandruff

A bad guy international jewel thief has targeted a private auction of diamonds at a swank Bay City downtown hotel.
Rather than go undercover as diamond buyers or diamond sellers, they choose to go undercover as hotel hairdressers. Because international jewel thieves need shampoos, too.
Requiring aid in the case, Starsky and Hutch bring in Huggy Bear (still around), a small ladder, a scarf, a case of conditioner, and a clueless hotel dick.
Thank goodness for Huggy Bear, because the ladder, scarf, conditioner and dick are no help at all!

Black and Blue

Instead of Starsky taking a bullet, Hutch takes one from a bad girl pretty burglar.
This puts Hutch in the hospital, and pairs Starsky with a pretty new girl detective to go after the pretty bad girl Hutch-shooter. And because she’s pretty, they mess around. (With the pretty detective, not the pretty bad girl Hutch-shooter.)
The pretty bad girl Hutch-shooter gets the better of the pretty girl detective and Starsky. Leaving injured Hutch to get up from his hospital bed and go rescue the both of them. Still recovering from his wound. Hutch. In pain. Stumbling around. Because there’s no one else to do it.
And then Starsky has the gall to call this girl-detective “Partner.” Hutch needs to have a serious talk with Starsky about his choice of pretty girlfriends and partners.

Photo Finish

Who looks better in a tux–Starsky or Hutch? Discuss.
Starsky’s girlfriend has champagne wishes on a beer budget. So why is she with Starsky?
Oh yeah, she has taken photos of a murder which will reveal the murderer. She needs Starsky for protection.
But Starsky doesn’t need her. His caviar dreams will always be with Hutch.

The Groupie

A racketeering ring is taking over the Bay City Garment Industry. Again. Hutch goes undercover as a swimwear buyer and Starsky as a fashion photographer, ensuring both get to see a lot of pretty bikini babes.
Complicating the case is a pretty bimbo groupie, who can spot a cop at one hundred paces. And she spots Hutch.
Sex, shenanigans and bad fashion ensue.
But everyone ends up on a cruise ship enjoying the lobster buffet.

Cover Girl (aka No Deposit, No Return)

A pretty model, an ex-girlfriend of Hutch’s, is diagnosed with a not-so-pretty fatal disease.
Thinking with her pretty model mind, she hires a hit man to kill her before she loses her prettiness to the disease. Because looking good is better than feeling good.
Then doctors tell the pretty model she’s in remission, and she doesn’t need a hit man. This is where the stereotype of models having no brains comes from.
Starsky and Hutch find the hit man before the hit man hits the pretty incredibly brainless model, and everyone learns a lesson about looks not mattering. Because Starsky and Hutch never choose girls based on their looks.

Starsky’s Brother

Starsky’s hitherto unknown little brother shows up in Bay City. Because their mother finally found the cajones to kick him out of her home.
Little Brother immediately becomes involved with bad guys. Which is why their mother kicked him out of her home.
Starsky needs to kick Little Brother out of his home. But he’s blinded by guilt. Hutch knows better. Hutch knows Starsky’s record of using guilt as an excuse not to get rid of bad girlfriends. Things don’t end well.
Starsky’s little brother almost gets everyone killed. In an unfilmed tag, Hutch ass kicks Little Brother out of Starsky’s home and tells him to find another continent to live on.

The Golden Angel

Starsky and Hutch, being long-time wrestling fans, insist upon protecting a masked wrestler who’s been threatened with death.
Starsky gets to go undercover as the masked wrestler who’s been threatened with death, because he looks so good in gold spandex.
Hutch then gets to go undercover as the referee of the bout where Starsky is undercover as the masked wrestler who’s been threatened with death, because he wrestled in college.
The masked wrestler is saved, and the secrets of pro wrestling are protected once more. Starsky gives the gold spandex to Hutch.

Ballad for a Blue Lady

Hutch is undercover as a cowboy songwriter. He is trying to get the local saloon’s chanteuse to rat on her bad guy brother and his mobster boss.
Hutch is not happy. The chanteuse is not as pretty as he’s used to. This is making the case difficult.
Starsky doesn’t care that the saloon singer isn’t so pretty, and tells Hutch to suck it up and just do his job.
Hutch mopes some more and ends up getting the not-so-pretty singer’s brother killed. Now no one is happy. Especially the brother.

Birds of a Feather

Hutch’s ex-partner’s wife has gambling debts up to her wazoo. She’s been playing in one of those Bay City illegal gambling rings.
So Hutch’s ex-partner agrees to murder an important witness to pay off his wife’s wazoo debts.
Hutch’s ex-partner then has to keep Hutch and his current partner from finding out his wife’s wazoo is more important than truth, justice and the law.
Hutch’s ex-partner’s wife keeps her wazoo, but Hutch’s ex-partner loses his wazoo in the aftermath. Starsky praises Hutch’s wazoo.

Ninety Pounds of Trouble

Remember the pretty jailbait from “The Trap?” She’s back. And she’s had at least one nose job since then.
The pretty jailbait is still longing for Starsky. Which is pissing off Hutch, who decides to become a hit man to take care of the problem.
Hutch gets a contract to take out Starsky, which pisses off the pretty jailbait.
The jailbait then decides being Starsky’s girlfriend is too dangerous, so she finds a nice high school boy. Now Starsky’s pissed off.

Huggy Can’t Go Home (aka Huggy Can’t Go Back)

Huggy Bear is actually still around, but he’s been spending his time with an old street mentor instead of with Starsky and Hutch, who really haven’t had much time for Huggy.
This makes Starsky and Hutch jealous, even thought they’re to blame, so they do a background check on Huggy’s old mentor and discover he’s involved in yet another illegal Bay City gambling ring.
Starsky buys some bagels and Dr. John sings a mournful song while Huggy decides if he’s going to be a good guy with his new friends or a bad guy with his old friend.
Huggy decides hanging out with Starsky and Hutch is much less dangerous than hanging out with his old friend. Which is saying a lot considering how dangerous it is to hang out with Starsky and Hutch.

Targets Without a Badge Part 1

Heaven almighty! It’s not only a two-parter, it’s a three-parter!
A new friend of Huggy’s (because he lost his old one) is in trouble and needs Starsky and Hutch’s help. This may be a bad idea. Maybe Huggy should fill his new friend in on Starsky’s and Hutch’s record of protecting people.
But Starsky and Hutch promise to protect Huggy’s new friend if he testifies against a corrupt judge. Huggy is to blame for this one.
So Huggy’s new friend agrees, not knowing that when push comes to shove, Starsky will always protect Hutch over everyone else. Even the bad guys know this! That’s how they kill Huggy’s new friend!

Targets Without a Badge Part 2

Huggy is upset because Starsky abandoned Huggy’s new friend to run off and protect Hutch, leaving Huggy’s new friend to go flying out a window. And as we learned from the fake vampire case, people cannot fly.
So Starsky and Hutch resign from the Bay City Police Department out of guilt. Huggy says not good enough, and he won’t ever be their friend again.
Starsky and Hutch need to pay their rents, so they go looking for new careers in professions that involve lots of pretty girls. Like porn.
The corrupt judge knows that porn is illegal, and goes to extreme lengths to talk Starsky and Hutch out of entering the business.

Targets Without a Badge Part 3

Starsky and Hutch, irritated at being denied careers in the porn industry, rejoin the police force so they can officially violate the corrupt judge’s civil rights.
A pretty girl from Starsky’s past becomes involved in the case, although she has nothing to do with the porn industry. But she is a pretty childhood friend, so things don’t look good for her.
She does, however, have something to do with the corrupt judge. Which eventually requires Starsky to shove her through a window. But not as high as the one Huggy’s new friend went through. No one tries to fly.
Starsky and Hutch get their badges back, but it is unclear whether either or both get the pretty girl, who has remained remarkably unharmed throughout the entire ordeal.

Starsky vs. Hutch

Starsky, Hutch, and a pretty policewoman go undercover at a dance hall. Someone is murdering pretty blonde dance hall girls.
Just to be clear, the pretty policewoman is undercover as a dance hall girl, not Starsky or Hutch.
While the bad guy murderer keeps killing pretty blonde dance hall girls, Starsky and Hutch have a spat over who can “dance” with the pretty policewoman.
Seeming to have had previous success sharing the pretty girl from Starsky’s past, Starsky and Hutch make the same offer to the pretty policewoman. She passes and instead resolves the case they were all supposed to be working on in the first place.

Sweet Revenge

The Biggest Bad Guy of all decides Starsky and Hutch must be killed.
Unfortunately, the bad guys he hires to do the job are not all that skilled, and only critically wound Starsky, missing Hutch completely.
This upsets Hutch, who vows to never rest until someone tells that Biggest Bad Guy to lay off.
Starsky finally admits to faking his near-death, and he and Hutch end up sharing a hospital bed (filmed).